Marriage Builders
Posted By: Sheepdog At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 03:06 AM
Hello
MY wife has recently told be that she loves me but not in love with me, We been married for 11 years but together for 15, Im still head over heals with her.We been very in love of years it just been that last 6 months that she started to feel this way. she says she is not ready to try to work on us and says she has to figure out herself. I keep telling that its a us issue not a her issue. what to do
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 03:13 AM
Sheepdog, you have a great user name.

Your wife is likely having an affair. Do you have any ideas who she may be having the affair with?

At this point, you should:
(1) Read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley (it will help you understand how affairs operate)
(2) SNOOP! Place a GPS on her car, check emails, Facebook messages, phone logs etc.
(3) Hire a PI...ask him to determine if your wife is having an affair and with whom.

Posted By: Sheepdog Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 03:17 AM
There is no time for that she is either with her female best friend or at work by herself. I know there is no affair
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 03:42 AM
Originally Posted by Sheepdog
There is no time for that she is either with her female best friend or at work by herself. I know there is no affair

How do you know there is no affair? The fact that she says she "loves you but is not in love with you" means she has a new point of comparison. Unless you are with her 24/7, she does have time to have an affair. Even the dumbest wayward can hide an affair at work and never even be late for dinner!
Posted By: NevrStopLearning Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 05:24 AM
Originally Posted by Sheepdog
MY wife has recently told be that she loves me but not in love with me

There is no time for that she is either with her female best friend or at work by herself. I know there is no affair
You could find any number of posters here who were told the same thing, only to find their spouse having an affair - personal experience included.

Snoop. Today.
If you have a joint phone account, check the logs online.
Get her passwords for E-mail, Facebook, etc, and check all correspondence.

Can you be 100% certain that she is alone all day at work? How?
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 07:50 AM
Originally Posted by Sheepdog
There is no time for that she is either with her female best friend or at work by herself. I know there is no affair
Can you just pick up her phone and look through it or does she have it locked?
Posted By: Sheepdog Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 11:27 AM
OK my wife as recently got a job that is very stressful where she is working 50 to 60 hr a week in a locked courthouse where no one else is allowed after hours, also her best friend that she spends all her time with is going thru a divorce. Ive let her and her best friend go out almost every weekend for the last few months thinking that she is stressed and her friend needs her there. Well ive reallized that now we started to grow apart. I know now that i should have said something a while ago. What can be done to fix this. She just keeps saying that she needs to figure herself but also doesnt want to mess up our 2 kids 9 and 6 Im willing to do what ever.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 11:35 AM
Have you checked her phone?
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 11:41 AM
Have you seen this?
Snooping: Is it wrong? Or, is it the right thing to do in marriage?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 11:47 AM
Originally Posted by Sheepdog
OK my wife as recently got a job that is very stressful where she is working 50 to 60 hr a week in a locked courthouse where no one else is allowed after hours, also her best friend that she spends all her time with is going thru a divorce. Ive let her and her best friend go out almost every weekend for the last few months thinking that she is stressed and her friend needs her there. Well ive reallized that now we started to grow apart. I know now that i should have said something a while ago. What can be done to fix this. She just keeps saying that she needs to figure herself but also doesnt want to mess up our 2 kids 9 and 6 Im willing to do what ever.

If you want to save your marriage you need to start QUIETLY snooping because she is having an affair. We can't help you unless you investigate and find out the FACTS. Find out the FACTS and come back here. We will help you with next steps.

You are in denial, Sir. frown
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 11:48 AM
Don't ask her if she is having an affair. Quietly investigate and find out on your own.
Posted By: life4799 Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 12:01 PM
Sheepdog, I'm sorry to hear you going through this. Being in love and not being in love is not a switch. It takes a lot of time or something major happening, like an affair.

I know a few women that had a few affair while working a lot of hours. I have a hard time believing that your wife is isolated from the world for 50 to 60hrs. She may be part of a team that is isolated from the world, but she would go crazy and when she saw you she would be so excited to connect with someone.

You need to snoop and find out who, and don't fail to consider her girlfriend. The sooner you find the affair the more likely you will have a chance to save your marriage.

Until then don't doing any love busted.
Posted By: ItCanGetBetter Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 12:11 PM
Don't assume AP could only be male.
You said she has no opportunity for an affair but she is going out every weekend?
Could you drive by work after hours and check if she's really there?

It certainly sounds like she is commiserating in far too much anti-marriage + possibly anti-man navel gazing. That can make her more vulnerable to rationalizing letting her boundaries slip.

Why don't you get a sitter and invite your w on some fun dates that happen to occur on her regular nights out? See if this causes a flurry of excuses that don't make sense. Put on a charm offensive (see plan A)
Posted By: ItCanGetBetter Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 12:17 PM
At a minimum, your wife is getting her need for intimate conversation met by her girlfriend. That is an element of an emotional affair.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 12:18 PM
1. "she is working 50 to 60 hr a week in a locked courthouse"

2. "Ive let her and her best friend go out almost every weekend"

Right there are some great opportunities to have an affair. People have affairs at work all the time. There are thousands of such cases over on the Surviving an Affair forum. And obviously, she can meet an affair partner when she goes out on the weekend.

The opportunities to have an affair in her case are so obvious and glaring that they would bite you if it was a snake!!
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 12:22 PM
Originally Posted by ItCanGetBetter
At a minimum, your wife is getting her need for intimate conversation met by her girlfriend. That is an element of an emotional affair.

That would define a "friendship" and this is not a friendship. Whatever is going on is an affair. And it probably is not with this woman. She has plenty of opportunity to meet up with a man. An affair is a romantic relationship.

This woman is in love with someone else.
Posted By: mrEureka Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 01:22 PM
Do you know for a fact that the 50 - 60 hours in the locked courthouse is real? It sounds like the perfect cover for an affair. With call forwarding, any dummy can make it look like they are in a locked building when they are really somewhere else.

I would check with the courthouse security and verify this.
Posted By: Sheepdog Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 01:25 PM
I guess that melodylane is right and she is getting her emotional needs met by her friend and not me. so how do i tell her to stop seeing her best friend? she needs someone other than me to talk to right now.
Posted By: FightTheFight Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 01:43 PM
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Whatever is going on is an affair. And it probably is not with this woman. She has plenty of opportunity to meet up with a man. An affair is a romantic relationship.

This woman is in love with someone else.

MelodyLane probably is right Sheepdog. The best thing you can do right now is listen very carefully and do exactly what she tells you to do.

I know you don't want to think the worst could happen, but do you realize that if your marriage is in fact not touched by infidelity, you are in the minority? Dr Harley estimates about 60% of all marriages have infidelity at some point.

Those kind of odds combined with "I love you but I'm not in love with you" make an affair VERY likely in your case.
Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 01:45 PM
The very first step for you is to quietly snoop and find out exactly what's going on. Keep any evidence you find in a safe place. Don't ask her anything about an affair, because waywards mostly ALL lie about any involvements with another person.

While you are snooping, why not set up a date for you and your wife this weekend and one even sooner, if possible. Just have a fun time. Don't talk relationship. Make sure you eliminate all your love busters. Meet any ENs she will allow. The important ones for most women are affection and intimate conversation. Make sure you look good and smell good.

ETA: and keep this forum secret for now. You don't want her to know your strategy right now.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 01:55 PM
Originally Posted by Sheepdog
I guess that melodylane is right and she is getting her emotional needs met by her friend and not me. so how do i tell her to stop seeing her best friend? she needs someone other than me to talk to right now.
Will you snoop and find out if it's only her best friend that she's hanging with?
Posted By: Gamma Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 02:27 PM
Sheepdog,

also her best friend that she spends all her time with is going thru a divorce.

You have to question why this friend is going through a divorce, and it could be that the friend is divorcing because she fell in love with your wife. The cover story about why the divorce is happening your wife told you may be very different from the truth. I might speak with the friends husband.

Does your wife have a history of same sex attraction or experiences?

God Bless
Gamma
Posted By: FightTheFight Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 02:33 PM
Originally Posted by Gamma
also her best friend that she spends all her time with is going thru a divorce.

I missed that. It's interesting because they were talking about a study on the radio show yesterday that found divorce to be "contagious". People were more likely to consider divorce if they had a friend that was divorcing or divorced. You can still listen to the rebroadcast from yesterday until about noon today by clicking on the "Listen Now" link at the top right of the page.
Posted By: Sheepdog Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 02:50 PM
so do i tell her to limit the time she is spending and texting her friend
Posted By: Gamma Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 03:04 PM
Sheepdog,

You need to read the texts your wife is receiving I think you will get your answer and it will put all this speculation and uncertainty to rest.

At this time I would not ask her to limit anything, you need to snoop to determine what is going on, if your wife realizes you know what is going on she will hide her affair even deeper.

The meaning of "I love you but am not in love with you" is that she is in love with someone else, but feels guilty since you are a good person and does not deserve to be cheated on.

God Bless
Gamma
Posted By: life4799 Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 03:09 PM
Telling her to limit her time with her friend would be demanding. I would just work on spending 15hrs a week with her with undivided attention to meet each others top Emotional Needs.

Take her out on a date. When your all have time together in the evening spend that time meeting each others needs instead of watching TV. Even though divorce is contagious it only makes it easier for someone that was already leaning in that direction.

See if she would be willing to look at Dr. H's basic concepts.
Posted By: LearnedTooLate Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 03:17 PM
Originally Posted by Sheepdog
so do i tell her to limit the time she is spending and texting her friend

You make yourself the more desirable person that she would like to spend time with.

But, now that she has been sampling the partying lifestyle by going out to bars on a regular basis without you, she has started to get used to IB, Independent Behaviors, so you really need to relearn whatever you did in the past that drew her attraction to you.

Let her know that by acting single and excluding you from quality Undivided Attention time together, you feel the distancing occurring and you would like to reignite the bond you had earlier together.

If, (and she probably is), she is having an affair, unless you Blow It Apart with expisure, all the best Plan A changes and elimination of Love Busters will have No Immediate Effect, yet continue to do them anyways.

For snooping, plant several VAR, Voice Activated Recorders around, like under her cars drivers seat and in a room in the home where she goes off for privacy and the bathroom.

Install spyware on her phone before she locks it and changes the password, so you can find out what's going on in your marriage.

Install a keylogger on the home computer.

Install a GPS Tracker in Real Time on her vehicle.

Read the Basic Concepts on this site and then follow the links and read some more.

Buy the book, Surviving An Affair and also Love Busters and see the similarities and follow the plan.

Is her phone clutched in her hand when she goes to sleep?

Is it locked and/or password protected?

Post updates on a regular basis.

LTL
Posted By: walrus Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 03:25 PM
Sheepdog, You are getting some good advice.

Does your wife have(or had) any complaints about you? If so what?
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 03:47 PM
I would not tell her about MB yet.

Are you going to snoop?

We can't help if you won't rule out an affair. Why won't you look through her phone?
Posted By: Sheepdog Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 03:48 PM
I'm not going to put trackers in her phone or car that dishonest and untrusting I know she not having an affair and she not in love with her friend that way be I'd prob getting the emotional needs met by her friend and not me. I do need to take her on dates and spend the min 15 hr a week but right now she has a hard time spending time with me one on one because of how bad she hurt me. I don't want to force her to spend time with me. She say I need to spend more time with my friends which I'm going start doing.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 03:54 PM
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Did you read this?

Is she transparent with her phone? Will you look at her phone?
Posted By: pokerface Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 04:02 PM
Originally Posted by Sheepdog
MY wife has recently told be that she loves me but not in love with me

Sheepdog. When your wife comes home and tells you ILYBNILWY then it is a sign for you to find out WTH is going on!!

I know you love your wife and think it is incomprehensible that she is having an affair. We have all been there. We get it.

This is your family of 11 years. Snoop and find out the truth. The only way you can fix the problem is by knowing exactly what the problem is. Right now you are just guessing.
Posted By: Sheepdog Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 04:04 PM
Her phone has a lock on it and no im not going to look at it i dont care what it says i feel it still dishonst and untrusting i dont believe that she even realizes that she is getting her emotionals needs met from her friend. so somehow i either have to tell her thats what is going on or somehow get her to realize it for herself she is just confused what is going on
Posted By: Sheepdog Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 04:05 PM
is it possible she just fell out of love or is that not possible
Posted By: alis Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 04:14 PM
You do understand that when she goes out with this friend, she might be seeing another man? How would you know if you weren't with them?

Your wife is clearly comparing you to someone else. If you can't bring yourself to find the truth, be assured, she WILL divorce you and replace you.
Posted By: alis Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 04:16 PM
Originally Posted by Sheepdog
is it possible she just fell out of love or is that not possible

Women do this with extremely neglectful husbands. They tend to beg and plead those husbands to change. Your wife is out partying. This is not the same.
Posted By: catwhit Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 04:24 PM
Originally Posted by Sheepdog
I'm not going to put trackers in her phone or car that dishonest and untrusting I know she not having an affair and she not in love with her friend that way be I'd prob getting the emotional needs met by her friend and not me. I do need to take her on dates and spend the min 15 hr a week but [/b]right now she has a hard time spending time with me one on one because of how bad she hurt me. [b] don't want to force her to spend time with me. She say I need to spend more time with my friends which I'm going start doing.

What does this mean, sheepdog?

If she hurt you badly, and she feels guilty about this, then she would want to spend MORE time with you, not LESS...

Posted By: LearnedTooLate Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 04:25 PM
Originally Posted by Sheepdog
is it possible she just fell out of love or is that not possible

Yes, because she has someone else in her life who is giving her fresh new feelings. It is called The Contrast Effect.

If YOU are not interested in saving your marriage by not even considering the advice given, then your marriage is over, but you don't realize it yet.

Google, "I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You".

It is not just this forum, or any forum with Betrayed Spouses who are hypervigilent regarding knowing the true, and nearly identical signs and phrases your Wife will do and say, but it is the entire world who has studied behaviors during infidelity.

Would you mind if your Wife looked at YOUR phone?

Probably Not!!! That's because people who don't have anything to hide don't hide anything.

Unfortunately, you WILL discover what we already can clearly see, but then later on down the road when you are desperate to then finally want to do something about it, her affair will have become much more entrenched.

Act Now, while you still have a chance!!!

LTL
Posted By: Sheepdog Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 04:25 PM
we live a small town and my wife and i are very know if she was out with another man i would know my friends and family would know as well
Posted By: LearnedTooLate Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 04:31 PM
Originally Posted by catwhit
Originally Posted by Sheepdog
I'm not going to put trackers in her phone or car that dishonest and untrusting I know she not having an affair and she not in love with her friend that way be I'd prob getting the emotional needs met by her friend and not me. I do need to take her on dates and spend the min 15 hr a week but [/b]right now she has a hard time spending time with me one on one because of how bad she hurt me. [b] don't want to force her to spend time with me. She say I need to spend more time with my friends which I'm going start doing.

What does this mean, sheepdog?

If she hurt you badly, and she feels guilty about this, then she would want to spend MORE time with you, not LESS...

Right now, she has you believing this load of crud.

Tell her that if she wants to stop hurting the marriage and you, then you both need to be spending a "Minimum" of 15 hours of UA time together, which the 2 of you schedule together on the weekend and then that will show her true colors.

Only the strong and decisive Betrayed Husbands have a chance at reconciling their marriages.

LTL
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 04:36 PM
Originally Posted by Sheepdog
I guess that melodylane is right and she is getting her emotional needs met by her friend and not me. so how do i tell her to stop seeing her best friend? she needs someone other than me to talk to right now.

You don't understand. She is having an affair. The affair needs to be uncovered. Don't tell her anything. Start snooping.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 04:38 PM
Originally Posted by Sheepdog
so do i tell her to limit the time she is spending and texting her friend

NO. Don't say anything. Snoop on her. Her "friend" is not the problem. The problem is the affair she is having with a man.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 04:42 PM
Originally Posted by Sheepdog
Her phone has a lock on it and no im not going to look at it i dont care what it says i feel it still dishonst and untrusting

That is pure silliness. Are the cops "dishonest" when they catch drug dealers? Are they "untrusting" when they spy on lawbreakers? Of coures not. Your views about "honesty" are illthought and are going to lead to the destruction of your marriage if you don't wake up.

It is "dishonest" and "untrusting" to lie and commit adultery; it is not dishonest and untrusting to CATCH someone doing those things.

Your wife is hiding something from you so it would be foolish and against your best interest to "trust' an untrustworthy person.


Quote
i dont believe that she even realizes that she is getting her emotionals needs met from her friend. so somehow i either have to tell her thats what is going on or somehow get her to realize it for herself she is just confused what is going on


That is nonsense and I regret that anyone told you that. She is having an affair and she knows that. That is why she has a lock on her phone. She is hiding it from you. Poeple who have nothing to hide don't hide.

No one has the right to the privacy to destroy her spouse behind her back. You have a right to know everything she does since everything she does affects you.

You need to buck up here and start taking steps to save your marriage or you are going to end up divorced.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 04:43 PM
Originally Posted by Sheepdog
we live a small town and my wife and i are very know if she was out with another man i would know my friends and family would know as well

You have no idea what she is doing becuase you are in denial, Sir. frown
Posted By: NevrStopLearning Re: At a lost what to do - 05/14/14 05:05 PM
Sheepdog, please read this:

The path to "I love you but I'm not in love with you"
Posted By: mrEureka Re: At a lost what to do - 05/15/14 04:01 PM
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Sheepdog
Her phone has a lock on it and no im not going to look at it i dont care what it says i feel it still dishonst and untrusting

That is pure silliness. Are the cops "dishonest" when they catch drug dealers? Are they "untrusting" when they spy on lawbreakers? Of coures not. Your views about "honesty" are illthought and are going to lead to the destruction of your marriage if you don't wake up.

It is "dishonest" and "untrusting" to lie and commit adultery; it is not dishonest and untrusting to CATCH someone doing those things.

Your wife is hiding something from you so it would be foolish and against your best interest to "trust' an untrustworthy person.
Is it an invasion of privacy when a lifeguard watches you while you swim? Should a lifeguard ignore you just because you would rather be left to your own devices?

You and your wife are each other's lifeguards in your marriage. You are supposed to watch out for one another. There is nothing noble about neglecting to do this. It is just simple neglect. You can try to wrap it up as "trust and honesty", but it really is a demonstration of your lack of care. Wake up. There is nothing dishonest about doing your job as a husband, and part of that job is not facilitating the formation of a secret second lives in your marriage.

Stop looking the other way just because your wife wants to swim in privacy. Do your job as her lifeguard.
Posted By: Sheepdog Not ready for divorce - 07/28/19 11:34 PM
Hello My wife and I have been together for 20yrs married for 16. I found out 3 weeks that she was cheating on me for the 2nd time. The first time was 6yr ago. Things seemed to
Be Going good I was finally over the first affair. She said that she doesn’t know why she did it and thinks she will do it again. That she let other guys get too close. I don’t know what to think we are going to separate and most likely divorce. However I love her so incredibly much that I think we will regret getting divorced. She says she loves me but not in love. We like the same things and have a great friendship. She also said that she has been just making me happy and knows we well enough that when things start to go bad she plays the part to keep me happy. But is done with that and can’t keep hurting me. I’m I crazy to think this could be saved or do I suck it up and move on even if it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Not ready for divorce - 07/29/19 03:10 AM
Welcome to MB and sorry for what has brought you here.

Who is the OM (other man)? Is he married?

Do you have children? If so, what are their ages?

Have you read Surviving an Affair?

The reason why your WW (wayward wife) had an affair is because she doesn’t have boundaries around men. Read up on exposure from this website.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Not ready for divorce - 07/29/19 03:15 AM
Read Start Here.

Read the exposure thread.
Posted By: HoldHerHand Re: Not ready for divorce - 07/29/19 10:06 AM
Sheepdog... buddy. Brother.

Consider her words; this is her second affair, she says she "doesn't know why," says she's going to do it again.... and then tells you why; "She lets guys get too close."

She's fishing for it.

So - could you salvage this?

Sure, but it is going to be a hard road. You would have to build a fully integrated life where she is fully transparent and all of her time and whereabouts are accounted for, at all times.

If she, or you, are unwilling to do this, you might as well cut your losses and bail.
Posted By: Sheepdog Re: Not ready for divorce - 07/29/19 10:42 AM
We have two boys 11 and 14. We had a long talk last night and i told if we are to try to fix this she would have to limit her relationship with other men. She works in law enforcement and is around men all the time. I also work in law enforcement just for a different agency. She feels that would be too controlling of me. We have been down this road when we first got married. she told me that i was being jealous. in our talk last night she said that she were to limit her relationship with other men she would feel resentment toward me and that would be worse. I think she is too far gone that i need to cut my losses even thou it really sucks.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Not ready for divorce - 07/29/19 01:05 PM
Originally Posted by Sheepdog
Hello My wife and I have been together for 20yrs married for 16. I found out 3 weeks that she was cheating on me for the 2nd time. The first time was 6yr ago. Things seemed to
Be Going good I was finally over the first affair.

When you were here 6 years ago you SWORE up and down she was not having an affair and insisted to me that it was "dishonest" to spy on her. So how did you finally discover the truth? Here is your old thread: https://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php/topics/2801384/2.html
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Not ready for divorce - 07/29/19 01:09 PM
Originally Posted by Sheepdog
We have two boys 11 and 14. We had a long talk last night and i told if we are to try to fix this she would have to limit her relationship with other men. She works in law enforcement and is around men all the time. I also work in law enforcement just for a different agency. She feels that would be too controlling of me. We have been down this road when we first got married. she told me that i was being jealous. in our talk last night she said that she were to limit her relationship with other men she would feel resentment toward me and that would be worse. I think she is too far gone that i need to cut my losses even thou it really sucks.

She is not going to give up this lifestyle so I agree it is a good idea to get divorced. Someone who does this twice is not doing it by accident. She is out looking for action. Unless she is willing to quit her job and find an affair proofed occupation, you will be dealing with this forever. But, she won't do that.

I would add that since you were in denial of the last affair, no steps were ever taken to change her behavior. So here you are again. This is the natural outcome of not taking any steps to affair proof or recover your marriage after an affair. Marriages do not recover by sweeping the problems under the rug.
Posted By: Denali Re: Not ready for divorce - 07/29/19 01:17 PM
Threads have been merged.
Posted By: Sheepdog Re: Not ready for divorce - 07/29/19 03:52 PM
i finally listened to you all here and did some checking and you were all right.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Not ready for divorce - 07/29/19 04:02 PM
Originally Posted by Sheepdog
i finally listened to you all here and did some checking and you were all right.

How many affairs do you think she has had?
Posted By: Sheepdog Re: Not ready for divorce - 07/29/19 04:22 PM
After our conversation last night i know it was only the two but they we're months long not just one night things. And we did do a lot of work on our marriage over the last few years. I should have read the his needs her needs. instead we went to a marriage counseling but i don't think they covered the correct things. Again i felt like things were going good again was starting to trust again.Then she started to act distance the same way she acted before. so i check her phone and confronted her on it. I'm going to read this book his needs her needs. Their must be something i'm doing wrong to create the situation even if this marriage is done i don't want to do this same thing in a future relationship
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Not ready for divorce - 07/29/19 06:17 PM
You need to read Surviving an Affair.

Who are the OM? Are they married? Have you told your children?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Not ready for divorce - 07/29/19 06:31 PM
Originally Posted by Sheepdog
After our conversation last night i know it was only the two but they we're months long not just one night things. And we did do a lot of work on our marriage over the last few years. I should have read the his needs her needs. instead we went to a marriage counseling but i don't think they covered the correct things. Again i felt like things were going good again was starting to trust again.Then she started to act distance the same way she acted before. so i check her phone and confronted her on it. I'm going to read this book his needs her needs. Their must be something i'm doing wrong to create the situation even if this marriage is done i don't want to do this same thing in a future relationship

What you did wrong was a) trust too much and b) not create an affair proofed marriage. It is too much trust that creates the environment that allows affairs to happen. So here you are again. Your marriage never recovered from the last affair because your wife never changed the CAUSE, which is loose boundaries with men. With someone who has multiple affairs [very rare] it is usually caused because the person is actively looking for action. There is nothing you could have ever done to prevent that.

His Needs, Her Needs will teach you how to create an affair proofed marriage. So will the book Surviving an Affair.

I would also suggest that you expose her affair. Everyone should know about it. Otherwise, she will lie about the breakup and blame you. Exposure makes it much more likely that her affair will die off. And I would certainly expose at her workplace if that is where she is having her affairs. They need to know she is a loose cannon.

Is the OM married?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Not ready for divorce - 07/29/19 06:59 PM
Originally Posted by Sheepdog
After our conversation last night i know it was only the two but they we're months long not just one night things.

So you have no idea if she had other affairs. Do you suspect she did? Obviously you can't take the word of a practiced liar and cheater.
Posted By: Sheepdog Re: Not ready for divorce - 07/30/19 11:07 AM
At this point I it really doesn't matter. I can't expose her to the world because we live in a small town and i have to do what is best for my boys. if your not from a small town you wouldn't understand. Small towns suck and are very judgmental. We have not told them yet but will soon that we will be getting divorced. This doesn't need to Ugly i'm better than that.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Not ready for divorce - 07/30/19 12:43 PM
Originally Posted by Sheepdog
At this point I it really doesn't matter. I can't expose her to the world because we live in a small town and i have to do what is best for my boys. if your not from a small town you wouldn't understand. Small towns suck and are very judgmental. We have not told them yet but will soon that we will be getting divorced. This doesn't need to Ugly i'm better than that.

There is nothing virtuous about hiding an affair. That is taking the low road. The affair should not be exposed to the "town" but to your children, family, friends and her workplace. I am from a small town and it is not the "best thing" for your boys to hide this affair. That is in her best interest and especially the best interest of your children. It might very well wreck her affair which is a good thing because you don't want to be dealing with a wayward spouse in a divorce.

You don't do your wife or your children any favors by covering up her affairs. Don't be an enabler. Your kids have a right to know the truth. Haven't you caused enough damage with your years of enabling?

Don't take the low road, friend.

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders
"The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Not ready for divorce - 07/30/19 12:49 PM
Is her boyfriend married?
Posted By: living_well Re: Not ready for divorce - 07/30/19 05:30 PM
Sheepdog, just to add to what Mel has written. Your children already know about the affair. There are never secrets from children because they are hardwired to know everything about the two people (their parents) that matter most to them. If you do not talk to them and tell them what is going on you are teaching them that you are ok with their mother's behaviour. If you and your wife get divorced, she will be able to spin out a story that she was forced to leave because of what you did. They will take that lesson into their own adult lives.

My serial adulterer ex-husband had a serial adulterer father. Nobody said anything so he grew up thinking that was normal behaviour. My mother-in-law could have alerted me but she did not for which I will never forgive her.
Posted By: unwritten Re: Not ready for divorce - 07/31/19 03:35 AM
Sheepdog, I am from a small town and based on that I am guessing a lot of people already know about her affairs (2 that you know of). Even as a young person I remember hearing the gossip of who did what with who, everybody knew everything and that which they didn’t know they speculated. At least you exposing gets the truth out vs gossip and speculation.
Posted By: Sheepdog Re: Not ready for divorce - 07/31/19 02:43 PM
After we expose this is there anyway to repair it or is it to far gone? I know her father had more that one affair and her Mother just swept it under the rug and they stayed together but are not happy. I know its crazy to think I love her so much i'm afraid that i will never find happiness again. I'll willing to do what work needs to be done just not sure she is.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Not ready for divorce - 07/31/19 02:55 PM
Originally Posted by Sheepdog
After we expose this is there anyway to repair it or is it to far gone?

Almost every recovered marriage on this forum attributes it to exposure. Exposure is therapeutic. That being said, I think this is too far gone because your wife is a serial cheater who has been enabled for many years. I don't expect exposure to save your marriage because this is too entrenched. The recommendation of exposure in your case is intended to get the truth out because secrecy only serves to enable your wife's destructive tendencies.

Is her boyfriend married?

Quote
I know its crazy to think I love her so much i'm afraid that i will never find happiness again.

Well, i have not observed that you are happy at all in this marriage. We have many men who have ended such marriages who are now happily and blissfully re-married. You can never have that as long as you stay in a marriage with a serial cheater.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Not ready for divorce - 07/31/19 02:58 PM
Was her last affair [that you know about] with a married man? If so, does his wife know what your wife did?
Posted By: Sheepdog Re: Not ready for divorce - 07/31/19 03:33 PM
No he is not Married

Is there a book or help on what to do after divorce and how to repair myself from being so hurt. Get myself self esteem back. I know i'm attractive i get hit on all the time and women telling me they wish i wasn't married but really don't feel like it.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Not ready for divorce - 07/31/19 03:36 PM
Originally Posted by Sheepdog
No he is not Married

What about her current adultery partner? Is he married?

Quote
Is there a book or help on what to do after divorce and how to repair myself from being so hurt. Get myself self esteem back. I know i'm attractive i get hit on all the time and women telling me they wish i wasn't married but really don't feel like it.

I am not sure about that. We do have a forum for divorced people and I am sure you could get lots of suggestions there. [once your marriage is over]
Posted By: Sheepdog Re: Not ready for divorce - 07/31/19 03:49 PM
The first affair the guy was married and yes the wife did find out the whole world found out. The 2nd no the guy is not married. In my state it take a min of 6 months to get divorced with kid. That a long time i'll making a post in that forum.
Posted By: HoldHerHand Re: Not ready for divorce - 08/02/19 03:54 PM
Formatting is broken, links are missing, but here is 50 forum pages focusing on self-recovery;

https://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php/topics/2719499/1.html


Don't roll over just because you are getting divorced. Do not hide the fact that you are divorcing because of your wife's infidelity.

You owe more than that to your sons.

Do not teach them to tolerate betrayal trauma as a "normal thing."

I wish my father would have. I wish my brother would have.

My daughters know better.
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