Hello. I am new to Marriage Builders. I live in Litchfield County CT and need names of good marriage counselors because my marriage is in jeopardy. I just got evidence that my husband is having an affair and I will confront him tomorrow when we are away from home, family and friends. I am hoping to save our marriage and I know we will need help. Does anyone have recommendations? I am devastated.

Listen to the pros make no excuses and hold on tight!

epeck, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. We can help you save your marriage and turn this around using Marriage Builders concepts if you are interested. WE saved our own marriages this way, but very few of us found much value in marriage counseling.

Can you give us more information? Are you married? How long? Any kids? What is his relationship with the OW? Is she a coworker? Is she married?

Hi epeck8, sorry you are here.

Take my advice and listen to these people. I have been very stubborn and it slowed down my progress. I have FINALLY realized that these folks do care and know what to do!

I would listen to them to the letter!

***EDIT***

Counseling does absolutely no good towards reconciling your marriage while there is an affair taking place. No matter how hard you try to improve, all you will hear is stuff like, this marriage has been dead for years, or i see your efforts, but it is Too Little, Too Late, or other similar wayward fog babble.

The only way to get through this is to expose the affair PROPERLY and immediately.

The sooner you do this, the less entrenched the affair becomes. Every day delayed gives the affair fantasy more addictive power.

While you go about this, you may want to gather more information, so snooping is recommended and you can read up about that in the Operation Investigate sub-forum.

LTL

I agree. Do not waste your money on marriage counseling when you have the best possible way to handle an affair right here.

Skipping over the crucial steps you must take prior to rebuilding and recovering your marriage will only bring you terrible heartache in the future.

Find the strength within yourself and do what needs to be done. Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect and cherished by your husband. That can not happen when he is directing all his attention towards someone else.

There really needs to be Marriage Builders Counselors available to help people who want in person help. But since that isn't available, use what you have available here and do the hard work for a better tomorrow.

You can reach professionals trained in MB. You can write to the radio program, mbradio@marriagebuilders.com, and communicate directly with Dr. Harley via the radio program. I did that, and it was painless. There are also coaching options available. Check out the Coaching Center.

Yes, those are wonderful options and highly recommended!

I have noticed that some people on here seem to prefer in person help as well. That's where having counselors who use the MB concepts would really serve a need.

The last thing people need is to learn here, and then also get help from a counselor in person who gives them poor advice or advice that is in direct conflict with what is taught here.

I agree. And that is part of the reason most of us highly discourage marriage counseling. It is always a huge crapshoot. That is why Harley set up this forum, in the hopes that people would use this free resource and not risk their marriage on a counselor. I have been here for 13 years and about once a month we hear a horror story some from person who just left a marriage counselor. Individual counselors are the worst, because they frequently recommend "trial separation" and convince the spouse that their spouse is "co-dependent" or somesuch marriage wrecking advice.

All that is required to get through this program is a serious approach to the steps, doing the lessons and making changes. The necessary books for that effort cost about $40 including the workbook. I think they sell the His Needs, Her Needs DVD series for $22 and it covers 6 lessons. The workbook for Lovebusters is $11.

The Harley's also offer a free radio show where anyone can write for free guidance. Many of us on the forum have been through Dr Harley's course ourselves and we volunteer our time helping others through the program.

If that is not successful, then the Harley's offer their online course where they assign a coach who speaks the couple every week and guides them through the lessons.

Like Harley has said numerous times, what counts is not what happens in a counseling session, but what happens AFTER. Since the goal of counseling, from a MB perspective, is not to go to counseling, but to execute this program, it is really not necessary to go to counseling.

Please listen to these.
Beware of Bad Counselors

Thank you for all the links. I appreciate it and I'm sure they will be helpful

Hi. More details. We have been together almost 33 years, married almost 27. We were the couple that everyone envied. It was clear to everyone how much we loved each other. We have 2 sons 20 and 15. We built our home on my family property and all our family and friends are near and dear to us. When I started to be concerned about my husbands co-worker he always assured me there was nothing to worry about. He really continued to show me love and respect and I felt things were ok. We traveled together and had such good times I thought I was just being paranoid. I was wrong. I didn't loose sight that at times there were signs of affair. Returning home late from work, many texts and phone calls. As I questioned this he began to delete texts etc. I decided to use technology to find out the truth. I did. I found out much more than I expected. The affair has been going on for many years. I did confront him 2 days ago and told him that he had to choose to sever all ties, work and "friendship" if he wants to keep his marriage. I told him I would be willing to try only under those conditions. He didn't hesitate to say he didn't want a divorce. But he still wanted to work with her. I explained if he did that then we are through. I can't live with the fear and wonder of what he is up to. I saw his texts to her today telling her he is sorry and that he loves her and he will miss his closest friend. I only wish the closest friend was me. Right now I feel that he still loves me but of course loves her too. My closest family and friends, the wonderful women in my life, are just as shocked as me. The assured me for many years that he would never do this. Right now he is willing and wanting to fix things (I hope he's honest). And so do I. I deeply love him and felt he was my soulmate. He finally said he would go to counseling but he doesn't want to. Here is where I seek advice. Thank you for responding. I hope I didn't give too many details!

I forgot to mention she is a divorced mother of 5 with a foul mouth and poor moral choices. Even though she goes to church every Sunday (Catholic). She is a liar too. I confronted her a couple times in a very calm manner with my concerns and she assured me she would never have an affair with a married man because it happened to her and she remembers how it felt. This conversation was during the affair I've found out in the last couple days.

Thanks for the answers, epeck. Did you read our posts?

Yes I did. It seems that finding a counselor that would be effective may be difficult especially with a spouse who does not want to go. I have been reading posts and links all over MB and i see so much that could help. I will need to organize a plan from what I am learning and hope that my husband will be willing to commit to it. At the moment I believe there is hope. I am overwhelmed and need to set time aside right away to really devote to putting this plan in action. He seems willing to do this.

Hi epeck8, how long has this affair been going on?

Has your husband agreed to quit his job so that he will never see her again?

He is self employed as a landscaper and lawn maintenance business owner and agreed at this point to quit working with this woman who has been designing and promoting landscape projects that included his expertise with the tractor etc and physical labor. A team so to speak. He gave up a profitable job last night because of my discovery of the affair. At this point he is trying to do the right thing. He seems to understand the magnitude of his mistake and is kind in his response to my requests.

epeck, will he agree to follow the necessary steps for recovery after an affair? Most couples do not recover after an affair because they don't take these steps. There is a very narrow path back. That path is in the book Surviving an Affair, but I can describe it you here.

First off, he should send the OW a no contact letter. I will post it in the next post.

He would then need to agree to extraordinary precautions that are designed to protect you from this happening again. Dr. Harley explains it like this:


Here is a checklist from Surviving an Affair..

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

He told me today that right now it is tough to break ties because of the work ties they have together. He said "she knows what's up and just give me time. I love you".

In other words, he wants you to sit tight while he continues his affair and keeps you around as an option.

Is there a reason why you would want to live like that?

Will he even do the basic first step? Will he write a NC letter for you to send?

I absolutely will not live like that and I told him this. I told him if he doesn't sever all ties he will have to leave. He told me it will stop. I will have to watch closely and see if it does. I am hoping we can get through this, I will try what ive learned here. i can't live like this any more. Thank you all for your help.

Will he write a NC Letter? Change all his contact information?

The first step is a No Contact letter to the OW. He will need to make it IMPOSSIBLE for her to contact him. If she lives nearby, you must understand that they will find it very easy to start up the affair again. Dr. Harley strongly recommends moving in this case, even with all the difficulties and challenges involved in a relocation.

You and he will need to make any further affairs impossible. He has a profession that makes it easy to have a secret second life. If you were to find a way to be with him 24 hours a day, an affair would become very difficult.

Have you exposed his affair to your friends and family and to the friends and family of the OW? Everyone needs to know so your H will be held accountable. You also desperately need emotional support throughout what is likely going to be the most difficult and stressful experience of your life.

Are you able to eat and sleep?

epeck, he told you he "needs time," though. He is not ending the affair, though. He is buying time so he can continue his affair.

It is real important that you follow the steps here to recover your marriage or you won't make it. Has the affair been exposed to everyone, for example? Has he completed all the steps on the extraordinary precautions check list?

Dear Epeck8,

Please listen to Melody Lane and other vets posting to your thread. Three years ago after discovering my FWH EA/PA, my husband told me "he had gotten in too deep, too fast" and needed time. Little did I know that was code for he wanted to keep juggling me and OW. This was before I found Marriage Builders. I could have saved myself months of additional pain if I would have known about the advice that you are getting here.

For your sake, I hope you ignore what your husband is telling you. You need to follow the advice you've been given. Your WH is gaslighting you. He's hoping you'll give him the time so he can continue with his affair fantasy. Don't fear your husband's anger. He will be mad when you press for NO Contact, but you need to blow their relationship up by exposing without warning to not only your family and friends but to the OW's family and friends also.

I will pray that you have the strength to overcome your fears and follow the advice of Dr. Harley.

BW

Epec8, my husband was a landscaper too when he had his affairs. Being a landscaper, he has more freedom to go wherever he choses, with you none the wiser. This OW may be a good referral source for him, but it's a big world out there. I'm sure he could find other sources for referrals. Builders, contractors, current and prior customers, etc.

If he's asking you for more time, he's yanking your chain. Do you know where he is all the time? How is he keeping himself accountable? How will you know that he is not working with this OW? Please don't say you trust him. Even if he checks in with a cell phone, he could be anywhere. In your situation, I would think about using a GPS tracker for awhile. He is not trustworthy at this point.