My question is whether children should know about a parent's affair, and if so, at what ages should they be told?

In my case, my firstborn was newly born when I exposed everything to my BH/family/friends, but we've since had more kids and I've been affair-free and our M is now truly amazing (thanks to following Dr. H to a T). My BH and I are so in tune about everything except this. He feels no need to tell our kids about my past, but I want to mainly because I don't want them to make my same mistakes one day (or find out from someone else and be more upset about why I didn't tell them). I want them to understand how devestating and horrible adultery is, though my BH thinks it's pointless to tell them. I'm not sure how I feel about that his perspective. I feel like honesty is CRUCIAL to every good relationship, especially given my past. Honesty is what keeps our family solid and my M so strong now, and I don't want to be dishonest with my kids about who I was. Yes, they may hate me for what I did, but the love BH and I have now would hopefully overshadow that eventually.

Would policy of joint agreement apply to this, I assume? And what would be the purpose of telling them if it's years in the future (since they are all too young right now to understand)?

And if I do get BH's agreement on telling them, when is the best time/age?

Thanks for any thoughts on this.

Yes, the POJA does apply to this. Does the older child know that your husband is not her bio father?

Well, that's actually a long story, but I'll simplify it for time's sake. It turned out that the DNA results were manufactured by OM and my BH is indeed her father. Sometimes I think it was a miracle that it turned out that way, especially after the court battle. (Side note: So for others who may be in a similar situation, don't trust OM/OW to handle the DNA test, since it CAN be altered!)

Needless to say, we are complete NC with OM and have been for a couple years and all kids are BH's. Does that change anything as far as teling them is concerned?

wh, this is incredible. I followed your posts over on the pregnancy board and I really hoped it could turn out that OM was not the bio father. I was disappointed when the test results appeared to show that he was.

Would you mind updating that part of the story over on your old thread? How on earth did OM manufacture the results? Didn't he bring a court case against you? Isn't lying to a court a criminal offence? Have you tried to get the police to prosecute him? - or maybe you decided to just breath a huge sigh of relief that he will be out of your lives for ever and let it be.

What an amazing story!! I am thrilled to hear this as I had worried about you.

As far as telling your children, I would POJA that with your husband and maybe wait until they are older.

Thanks for the kind words!

I'd be happy to update on the other thread. I've been meaning to, actually, but quite frankly, we've been busy having babies and romancing the crap out of each other that my time had been limited. I can't praise Dr. H enough for saving our lives and showing me the kind of wife I have always wanted to be.

About the DNA test, the court hadn't officially required a DNA test. They had used the test OM's lawyer presented as sufficient "evidence" to establish a custody arrangment, but when I went NC and OM had to deal strictly with BH, I think OM got tired of hoping I would return to him and took off. We did our own test at that point because we were suspicious about why he would just up and leave after dragging us to court for so long, and sure enough, the test results showed BH to be bio-dad and the original test had been tampered with. He must have printed out a fake result or doctored the DNA swab (it hadn't been done in a facility, rather was an at-home test). Anyone dealing with an OC situation: It is worth it to fight with everything you have to keep OM/OW out, because that's what delivered us!

When we found out the truth, we didn't want to take legal action since he's done with, and luckily the birth certificate was already under BH's name so we didn't have to contact OM about that. So we're happy and whole again. No point giving OM any reason to come back in our lives... and every day I thank God for rescuing our family from my horrible, evil selfishness that could have destroyed us.

I suppose you're right, MelodyLane. I have time to talk to BH about telling the kids about my past. If anything I want to warn them about how necessary it is to invest in your spouse and love them with EVERYTHING you have, lest you fall prey to the lure of infidelity.

wanthealing, what a wonderful, wonderful turn of events!

wanthealing, I just wanted to say how happy I am for you that things turned out the way that they did!

We've been struggling with this question for some time, as our OC still doesn't know about the affair or that my husband isn't her bio dad and she is almost 6 years old. I just have no idea how we're ever going to bring that up to a child when OM isn't a part of her life and she has no clue he even exists.

I'm glad you will be spared that dilemma.

Wanthealing,

I'll echo what Writer said, you've dodged so many difficult conversations and decisions.

Being an OC myself there are many identity issues that go along with that condition, as well as the forced secrecy of my bio-mother, adoptive parents and bio-father.

God Bless
Gamma

writer1, while my dilemma of explaining another bio-dad isn't my issue any longer, I still feel the burden of your concern. I hope that if ever the moment comes to explain things to your OC, that it is a moment that brings you closer.

Gamma, personally, I'm not really trying to dodge difficult conversations. In a way, I want to embrace them, since they have been a testament to my personal growth. My dad was always honest with me about his shortcomings/sins and his past, and it helped me in later life to trust him more than my mom, who seemed perched upon her pedestal of perfection. And I'd rather my children know who I was and who I now am so that they can learn from my mistakes rather than taking my same destructive path.

I dunno...I suppose this is for "future wanthealing" to figure out--when and how to explain my past. But forced secrecy like what you experienced, Gamma, sounds stressful!