Wife affair-help needed. Lost!! - 09/30/14 10:24 AM
Sorry for the long story-i wanted to give as much detail as I could.
Hi all
I'm new to this and would love some help & advice throughout what I can only describe as the lowest point of my life. I also hope others can learn from the mistakes I have made.
My wife and I were together for 7.5 years (living together for 7) and married for 1 year 6 months. We had what we both thought was an incredibly strong and fireproof relationship and were so happy in each others company.
I'm am 33 and my wife is 32, we were planning (for the past few years) on children, had picked names and always said we would wait until we were 35. This year I went through a tough time personally due to lifes usual pressures and a bad accident which left me with two months off work (I'm fine now). I really withdrew into myself for around 3 months and stopped communicating with my wife and showing her affection/attention and didn't have much interaction with my friends either. At the time I didn't realize what was happening and my wife and I never spoke about this as we genuinely didn't realize there was a problem as each day rolled into the next and we just got on with things. I became very dependent on her and her time but when I was with her i wasn't the same partner she loved so dearly.
Then out of the blue she dropped the bombshell-I need to take some time away,-i'm going to go to my parents, things haven't been the same with us and I am confused. I feel like I have lost myself and need to talk to someone (she never did)-I asked her if she was breaking up with me and she said 'absolutely not'-I just need to take some time to work out what's going on. I did the usual begging, asking for reassurances etc etc etc but the more I did that the more she withdrew and closed off. She told her friends she just needed a couple of weeks away but this turned into a tragic situation.
Over that period I met with her 3-4 times and the girl I was looking at wasn't my wife, her eyes were blank, she was emotionally dead and couldn't talk about things-I have since discovered she wasn't talking to anyone, even her best friends or mom.
One of the times we met she said I feel like I am falling out of love with you and it scares me because I thought we were special and not like everyone else. Then 2 weeks later she withdrew further and said she maybe married me for the wrong reasons (because I was a great guy). Throughout this tike she completely changed and was like a different girl.
I knew at this point there must have been someone else involved and she was saying these things to justify her actions to herself-there was no way she meant these things which she has since admitted.
I also knew at this stage that she hadn't had an affair 'yet' but was very sure was having an emotional affair with a guy from work (who she previously despised) but spent alot of work time with recently.
Well-one month later she slept with him-I was tipped off that they were on a night out together, drove to the place I knew they were and seen them-i spoke with her and it was like speaking with and looking at a different person-she wasn't wearing much make up, dressed very poorly and she told me it was just a night out with friends- my relationship with her parents is incredibly strong and I went to tell them the situation-they couldn't believe it and told me to drive back and take her home. I was too late (Why I didn't do that in the first place I'll never know)
She didn't come home to her parents that night and I knew in my heart at this stage she had spent the night with him-i stayed awake all night and drove in he next morning to the place I knew she had parked her car. When I got there I saw them getting out of a car together and told her to get into my car-right then she told me she slept with him that night and looking at her she was vacant-I didn't judge her, shout or get angry-we drove straight to her parents.
The next few hours were horrible-to begin with she was staring into space blankly and wouldn't talk to anyone-then eventually she broke down as cried uncontrollably for hours-she said she didn't know who she was, didn't want anyone (even her parents) and did not know what she was doing. She was normally a very intelligent, solid and reliable person to all an so loving towards family and friends.
I left her parents and went to a friends-3 hours later she called and said she needed to see me-we met at our home, hugged and she said 'how can I make this right'-after that we lay on the couch and didn't really say too much for around 1 hour-we just needed to be with each other for some strange reason-then she left and went to her parents, I left and went to mine. I told her i wanted our marriage and would do anything for it.
We had some contact for a few days afterwards but she couldn't come home-she then she contacted me 2 weeks later-asked to meet and told me it was over. At this time i know (through her friend) that she still had feelings for the other guy-when she said it was over I asked -do you mean divorce-she said 'I hadn't even thought about that'-it hasn't been mentioned since. This was around the middle of June.
After that we had no contact for 5 weeks, my wife went back to we parents and I stayed at our home. After 5 weeks of soul searching and hell I asked to meet with her, she said of course and we met, talked for around 4 hours and for the first time I felt that I was speaking with the person I loved so dearly. I told her I felt I had played a big part in her actions inadvertently and understood she didn't want to hurt me. During our talk she was warm, affectionate, hugged me lots and i felt like her closed heart was opened to me again-I asked about giving things a go and she said she didn't want to give me any hope as she just didn't want me hanging on. We left things on good terms with a hug and kiss but didn't talk about divorce etc. She told me to come see her parents at any time and was more than welcome in her house.
That night we texted a bit and she said it was great to see me and I would always have a massive impact on her. Since then I have been inconsistent in my actions. When I have cut contact she has texted saying things like 'just saying hey xxx'-normally warm when she initiates contact-and when I have been feeling desperate/needy I have contacted her-anytime I initiate this she closes off.
Many of her clothes/belongings are still in our home, she is living with her parents and by all accounts is miserable (in her words, I am just trying to get through every day)-her mom has confided in me and told me she is still very quiet, not going out much and still not the same daughter she raised.
3 weeks ago she texted to ask if she could come to the house to get some things (this killed me) but came and only took 2-3 things. At this point I told her I would still do whatever it takes to save out marriage and she said 'my head just isn't I'm a place where I think it could work after what I did and all that has happened'-I told her I know things couldn't be the same but if we have learned from things it could make us stronger-she said she just can't see how it could after what she did.
I went on vacation for 10 days came back and had a night planned with her dad (tickets she bought for us last Christmas)-I went to her house to collect him, she was there, we hugged, she kissed me on the cheek, we laughed and she commented on how well I looked. It was again like seeing my wife and best friend again.
I'm really confused as to what to do now, I'm struggling to get through every day but trying to get on with things as best I can. I've been seeing a counsellor, have recently signed up for some coaching for consistency in my actions and have tried to implement a 180 but am finding this tough due to how I feel. I feel like my world has fallen down around me and all my hopes and dreams are shattered-I will never love anyone else and all I have ever wanted was a family.
People have told me that there is still hope but my fear is that my wife will be too afraid to face our friends family and face up to what she did.
I'm currently in a period of growth, reading a lot and trying to mentally prepare myself if she ever does return but I fear she never will and it kills me to think I have lost my best friend, hopes as dreams and my life has no purpose.
Where do i go next?
Hi all
I'm new to this and would love some help & advice throughout what I can only describe as the lowest point of my life. I also hope others can learn from the mistakes I have made.
My wife and I were together for 7.5 years (living together for 7) and married for 1 year 6 months. We had what we both thought was an incredibly strong and fireproof relationship and were so happy in each others company.
I'm am 33 and my wife is 32, we were planning (for the past few years) on children, had picked names and always said we would wait until we were 35. This year I went through a tough time personally due to lifes usual pressures and a bad accident which left me with two months off work (I'm fine now). I really withdrew into myself for around 3 months and stopped communicating with my wife and showing her affection/attention and didn't have much interaction with my friends either. At the time I didn't realize what was happening and my wife and I never spoke about this as we genuinely didn't realize there was a problem as each day rolled into the next and we just got on with things. I became very dependent on her and her time but when I was with her i wasn't the same partner she loved so dearly.
Then out of the blue she dropped the bombshell-I need to take some time away,-i'm going to go to my parents, things haven't been the same with us and I am confused. I feel like I have lost myself and need to talk to someone (she never did)-I asked her if she was breaking up with me and she said 'absolutely not'-I just need to take some time to work out what's going on. I did the usual begging, asking for reassurances etc etc etc but the more I did that the more she withdrew and closed off. She told her friends she just needed a couple of weeks away but this turned into a tragic situation.
Over that period I met with her 3-4 times and the girl I was looking at wasn't my wife, her eyes were blank, she was emotionally dead and couldn't talk about things-I have since discovered she wasn't talking to anyone, even her best friends or mom.
One of the times we met she said I feel like I am falling out of love with you and it scares me because I thought we were special and not like everyone else. Then 2 weeks later she withdrew further and said she maybe married me for the wrong reasons (because I was a great guy). Throughout this tike she completely changed and was like a different girl.
I knew at this point there must have been someone else involved and she was saying these things to justify her actions to herself-there was no way she meant these things which she has since admitted.
I also knew at this stage that she hadn't had an affair 'yet' but was very sure was having an emotional affair with a guy from work (who she previously despised) but spent alot of work time with recently.
Well-one month later she slept with him-I was tipped off that they were on a night out together, drove to the place I knew they were and seen them-i spoke with her and it was like speaking with and looking at a different person-she wasn't wearing much make up, dressed very poorly and she told me it was just a night out with friends- my relationship with her parents is incredibly strong and I went to tell them the situation-they couldn't believe it and told me to drive back and take her home. I was too late (Why I didn't do that in the first place I'll never know)
She didn't come home to her parents that night and I knew in my heart at this stage she had spent the night with him-i stayed awake all night and drove in he next morning to the place I knew she had parked her car. When I got there I saw them getting out of a car together and told her to get into my car-right then she told me she slept with him that night and looking at her she was vacant-I didn't judge her, shout or get angry-we drove straight to her parents.
The next few hours were horrible-to begin with she was staring into space blankly and wouldn't talk to anyone-then eventually she broke down as cried uncontrollably for hours-she said she didn't know who she was, didn't want anyone (even her parents) and did not know what she was doing. She was normally a very intelligent, solid and reliable person to all an so loving towards family and friends.
I left her parents and went to a friends-3 hours later she called and said she needed to see me-we met at our home, hugged and she said 'how can I make this right'-after that we lay on the couch and didn't really say too much for around 1 hour-we just needed to be with each other for some strange reason-then she left and went to her parents, I left and went to mine. I told her i wanted our marriage and would do anything for it.
We had some contact for a few days afterwards but she couldn't come home-she then she contacted me 2 weeks later-asked to meet and told me it was over. At this time i know (through her friend) that she still had feelings for the other guy-when she said it was over I asked -do you mean divorce-she said 'I hadn't even thought about that'-it hasn't been mentioned since. This was around the middle of June.
After that we had no contact for 5 weeks, my wife went back to we parents and I stayed at our home. After 5 weeks of soul searching and hell I asked to meet with her, she said of course and we met, talked for around 4 hours and for the first time I felt that I was speaking with the person I loved so dearly. I told her I felt I had played a big part in her actions inadvertently and understood she didn't want to hurt me. During our talk she was warm, affectionate, hugged me lots and i felt like her closed heart was opened to me again-I asked about giving things a go and she said she didn't want to give me any hope as she just didn't want me hanging on. We left things on good terms with a hug and kiss but didn't talk about divorce etc. She told me to come see her parents at any time and was more than welcome in her house.
That night we texted a bit and she said it was great to see me and I would always have a massive impact on her. Since then I have been inconsistent in my actions. When I have cut contact she has texted saying things like 'just saying hey xxx'-normally warm when she initiates contact-and when I have been feeling desperate/needy I have contacted her-anytime I initiate this she closes off.
Many of her clothes/belongings are still in our home, she is living with her parents and by all accounts is miserable (in her words, I am just trying to get through every day)-her mom has confided in me and told me she is still very quiet, not going out much and still not the same daughter she raised.
3 weeks ago she texted to ask if she could come to the house to get some things (this killed me) but came and only took 2-3 things. At this point I told her I would still do whatever it takes to save out marriage and she said 'my head just isn't I'm a place where I think it could work after what I did and all that has happened'-I told her I know things couldn't be the same but if we have learned from things it could make us stronger-she said she just can't see how it could after what she did.
I went on vacation for 10 days came back and had a night planned with her dad (tickets she bought for us last Christmas)-I went to her house to collect him, she was there, we hugged, she kissed me on the cheek, we laughed and she commented on how well I looked. It was again like seeing my wife and best friend again.
I'm really confused as to what to do now, I'm struggling to get through every day but trying to get on with things as best I can. I've been seeing a counsellor, have recently signed up for some coaching for consistency in my actions and have tried to implement a 180 but am finding this tough due to how I feel. I feel like my world has fallen down around me and all my hopes and dreams are shattered-I will never love anyone else and all I have ever wanted was a family.
People have told me that there is still hope but my fear is that my wife will be too afraid to face our friends family and face up to what she did.
I'm currently in a period of growth, reading a lot and trying to mentally prepare myself if she ever does return but I fear she never will and it kills me to think I have lost my best friend, hopes as dreams and my life has no purpose.
Where do i go next?