Marriage Builders
Posted By: Perfect_Heart Question about Plan B - 10/24/14 06:15 PM
My first post here. Quick background, WW and I have been together for 12 years, married for 6 with a young child. D-day was 10 days ago. We have had a lot of honest discussions, but in essence, I want to work things out, she is on the fence (if not more out the door). We have both talked to lawyers already. She understands the pain she has caused and, initially, said she would agree to no contact. However, the OM keeps trying to reach her. She won't commit to a full no contact agreement (sending letter, giving me passwords, etc). She feels that he is her security blanket and only ray of hope in the dark world she is currently in. I mistakenly tried to give her a hard deadline to implement NC or I would file. I ended up backtracking. Now, I am in limbo. My question is the following - As I understand Plan B, you are supposed to limit contact with your spouse. However, how do you do that if you are still living together and have to share responsibilities for a young child?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Question about Plan B - 10/24/14 06:25 PM
Hi Perfectheart, you should not be in Plan B, you should be in Plan A for at least 6 months. Plan A involves exposure of the affair and committing to meeting her needs in the future IF she ends her affair.

Posted By: Perfect_Heart Re: Question about Plan B - 10/24/14 07:06 PM
I read the summary of Plan A. Is there a link to another post with another way of saying it? Does this mean I should give her six months to commit to NC? What if she sees the person again (and continues any of the physical contact?) I am willing to work on what has already happened, but I don't know if I am willing to do so knowing everything we have now discussed.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Question about Plan B - 10/24/14 07:15 PM
Originally Posted by Perfect_Heart
I read the summary of Plan A. Is there a link to another post with another way of saying it? Does this mean I should give her six months to commit to NC? What if she sees the person again (and continues any of the physical contact?) I am willing to work on what has already happened, but I don't know if I am willing to do so knowing everything we have now discussed.

Yes, give her 6 months [or as long as you can stand it] to end her affair. BUT, that means you do everything in your power to bust it up, exposure, confrontation of the OM, etc.

Have you exposed the affair? Is this OM married? A coworker, what?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Question about Plan B - 10/24/14 07:19 PM
I DO NOT mean you tell her she has 6 months to end her affair. I mean you DEMAND she end her affair now and cause as much havoc as possible in the affair in the meantime. But don't go into Plan B for 6 months, or until you can't stand it anymore.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Question about Plan B - 10/24/14 07:20 PM
p.s. if you choose to leave the marriage over the affair, we would support you in that too. I am just suggesting the 6 months *IF* you choose to save your marriage. That is your decision to make.
Posted By: Perfect_Heart Re: Question about Plan B - 10/24/14 07:29 PM
More info. The affair started out as an emotional one with an old friend. There was only one opportunity for physical contact. He lives far away. He is going through divorce with his wife. I want to work on reconciliation, but WW is not sure what she wants.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Question about Plan B - 10/24/14 07:31 PM
Originally Posted by Perfect_Heart
More info. The affair started out as an emotional one with an old friend. There was only one opportunity for physical contact. He lives far away. He is going through divorce with his wife. I want to work on reconciliation, but WW is not sure what she wants.

Have you exposed the affair?
Posted By: Perfect_Heart Re: Question about Plan B - 10/24/14 07:34 PM
Not in a broad sense, no. We have each told people in our own way, but not everyone. She initially agreed to NC - she asked him to back off and give her space - but she won't end contact completely. She will tell me if he tried to reach her if I ask, but she doesn't volunteer information either.
Posted By: Perfect_Heart Re: Question about Plan B - 10/24/14 07:41 PM
New question. When WW and I talk, she often highlights old fights and tells me why she was upset. I have tried to respond with, "thank you for your honesty" or "thank you for helping me to see your view". One, is that the best response, and two, what other ways can I respond?
Posted By: Nerlycrzy Re: Question about Plan B - 10/24/14 08:18 PM
Welcome to Marriagebuilders, Perfect_Heart.

Not a fun place to be but the best place to solve your relationship problems & rebuild your marriage.

Your answers to her past complaints are good.. very good. With Marriagebuilders you will learn new ways of resolving disagreements & problems that will allow you both to be heard and understood.

How are your W & the OM communicating? Email? Chat? Telephone (cell and/or home phone?) and/or text? Do you have any techniques in place to keep you informed without having to ask her about contact? If not, you need them!

And how old is your child?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Question about Plan B - 10/24/14 10:08 PM
Originally Posted by Perfect_Heart
Not in a broad sense, no. We have each told people in our own way, but not everyone. She initially agreed to NC - she asked him to back off and give her space - but she won't end contact completely. She will tell me if he tried to reach her if I ask, but she doesn't volunteer information either.

Exposure is your most powerful weapon against this affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy so keeping it a secret only fuels the affair.

Please go read the exposure thread in my signature and put together a plan.
Posted By: LearnedTooLate Re: Question about Plan B - 10/25/14 12:32 AM
Her telling Her Version is NOT Exposure.

Read Melody's link and follow it precisely.

LTL
Posted By: unwritten Re: Question about Plan B - 10/25/14 02:06 AM
Have you exposed to the OM's wife? If you got information about them divorcing from your WW, she is likely lying to you, or he is lying to her. If they are in divorce proceedings it is likely because of his A with your wife, she probably doesn't even know WHY her marriage derailed.

A full and widespread exposure is absolutely necessary. And it should start with the OM's wife.
Posted By: wenang Re: Question about Plan B - 10/25/14 03:34 AM
Sorry for what you are going through. Your WW is rewriting history to justify her actions. Don't react to that. How old is your child? Being a great dad and taking care of your son/daughter is one of the best ways to get her to see you as a wonderful husband/father. If you know the age of your child, we can help you more.
Posted By: Perfect_Heart Re: Question about Plan B - 10/26/14 08:11 PM
My son is 3. I think that I am now probably in the wrong forums. She seems to be complete gone - checked out of our marriage. I am very lost right now. My whole world has been up ended and I am struggling with my emotions.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Question about Plan B - 10/26/14 08:19 PM
Originally Posted by Perfect_Heart
My son is 3. I think that I am now probably in the wrong forums. She seems to be complete gone - checked out of our marriage. I am very lost right now. My whole world has been up ended and I am struggling with my emotions.

Do you want to try and save your marriage?
Posted By: Perfect_Heart Re: Question about Plan B - 10/26/14 08:37 PM
Yes, I have made it clear that I want to save the marriage. She doesn't think she wants to.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Question about Plan B - 10/26/14 08:47 PM
Originally Posted by Perfect_Heart
Yes, I have made it clear that I want to save the marriage. She doesn't think she wants to.

Have you read our posts?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Question about Plan B - 10/26/14 08:48 PM
We understand she doesn't want to save your marriage now. That is because she is having an affair. We have a plan to help you save your marriage by killing the affair if you will listen to us. But we can't help you if you won't listen and follow the advice.
Posted By: markos Re: Question about Plan B - 10/27/14 04:27 PM
Originally Posted by Perfect_Heart
My son is 3. I think that I am now probably in the wrong forums. She seems to be complete gone - checked out of our marriage. I am very lost right now. My whole world has been up ended and I am struggling with my emotions.

All of this is typical, and you are in the right place.
Posted By: black_raven Re: Question about Plan B - 10/27/14 04:38 PM
Originally Posted by Perfect_Heart
Not in a broad sense, no. We have each told people in our own way, but not everyone.

What does this mean? Do some people only know that you are planning to divorce or did you expose the affair with OM as the reason you are divorcing? I don't believe for one minute that your WW would expose her affair and OM.

You need to properly expose. OMW should be at the top of the list.

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