Please help... feedback welcomed - 12/01/14 02:47 PM
Hey all... new here. I'm a FWS (H). Long story made incredibly short: Long term family of origin and boundary problems plus me mishandling issues in the marriage resulted in me having two PAs this summer (one lasting a month, the other a one night drunk thing). I didn't realize what the hell I was doing until my W and I were separated for a month (I had asked for space to figure out what was happening with me), then it hit me that I was operating under thinking errors, emotional swings, and alcohol induced thoughtlessness... I believe some call it "the fog" (looking back on it, I was not the person I know myself to be). When I realized this, I ended the A and attempted to come back home and restore the marriage. BS (W) would not take me back. She had just started a 180 (even though she didn't know about the PA). She asked about A, and I told her of both. This was 3 months ago. I've since been open/transparent, doing all that I can to meet her needs, we're in MC, I'm in IC, I've stopped drinking, I've made other amends and protective measures (stopped all opposite sex friend contact, stopped opportunities for any inappropriate encounters), but she is still saying she is ambivalent to commit to the marriage now. Btw, married 5 years, together 10... no kids.
I know I have a long journey ahead for atonement, but I feel so worried and unsure of what I'm doing. When I say "I love you" or "I miss you," she says "I know." When I express my feelings in the form of wishes/hopes/wants, she says "sorry." She doesn't want to stop living like she is single right now, saying that she doesn't know if she can trust me or forgive me. Our MC is working on us having a dialog about the A and for her to work out her ambivalence.
My question: I know in the case of a BS dealing with a WS, the recommendation is Plan A for a month, and then Plan B after until there is a change. For a FWS dealing with a BS who is ambivalent or having a wayward-mindset and maintaining separation, what then? My impulse is to do Plan A and be contrite for as long as it takes unless I learn she is having an A or is saying she wants D. A few other people in my life say that I should go Plan B/180 (from Divorce Busting) if she doesn't respond to requests to enter mutual agreements about things. I'm confused.
I feel so stupid and ashamed for what I did, and so angry about what my life looks like now. I feel so sad, angry, and disappointed with what I did to her, but I know I won't let this happen again. I've learned my lesson, and am installing practices and safeguards in my life so this never happens again. I feel so lonely, sad, and worried that those feelings are going to last forever. My relationship/marriage has been such an important part of my life the past 10 years... I can't believe I fell into the A trap. One bad move and the chink in my armor revealed serious flaws in its construction, causing it to fall apart. This is my rock bottom.
What's a FWS to do other than stick to NC for the APs, work on meeting BS needs, be transparent and contrite and remorseful, and work out my own issues that led to this vulnerability in the first place?
I know I have a long journey ahead for atonement, but I feel so worried and unsure of what I'm doing. When I say "I love you" or "I miss you," she says "I know." When I express my feelings in the form of wishes/hopes/wants, she says "sorry." She doesn't want to stop living like she is single right now, saying that she doesn't know if she can trust me or forgive me. Our MC is working on us having a dialog about the A and for her to work out her ambivalence.
My question: I know in the case of a BS dealing with a WS, the recommendation is Plan A for a month, and then Plan B after until there is a change. For a FWS dealing with a BS who is ambivalent or having a wayward-mindset and maintaining separation, what then? My impulse is to do Plan A and be contrite for as long as it takes unless I learn she is having an A or is saying she wants D. A few other people in my life say that I should go Plan B/180 (from Divorce Busting) if she doesn't respond to requests to enter mutual agreements about things. I'm confused.
I feel so stupid and ashamed for what I did, and so angry about what my life looks like now. I feel so sad, angry, and disappointed with what I did to her, but I know I won't let this happen again. I've learned my lesson, and am installing practices and safeguards in my life so this never happens again. I feel so lonely, sad, and worried that those feelings are going to last forever. My relationship/marriage has been such an important part of my life the past 10 years... I can't believe I fell into the A trap. One bad move and the chink in my armor revealed serious flaws in its construction, causing it to fall apart. This is my rock bottom.
What's a FWS to do other than stick to NC for the APs, work on meeting BS needs, be transparent and contrite and remorseful, and work out my own issues that led to this vulnerability in the first place?