Marriage Builders
Posted By: lsl they will not leave us alone - 01/01/15 11:08 PM
I am at or heading towards (hopefully) recovery stage now. It has been 95 days since D-Day. I am married 6 years, blended family, boys both grown, jobs and moved out. Affair happened thru a hobby, of which I have completely cut ties to the social circles involved in it. Changed my number, changed jobs, working on moving away, blocked email, took myself off all social sites, passwords given and emails monitored by BS. I saw the affair for what it was before I could get out of it (PA went on for 5 months). X lover controlling who made no promises to leave, and I was looking to get out of it quickly when X lover's BS found out, exposed the affair and me and my BS have been concentrating on our marriage thru the foundations of this website/books.
Problem we are facing is every now and again (we think) either the X lover or X lover BS is sending messages thru email, text, any sites they are not blocked on. Whoever it is keeps changing their email addresses, and spoofing landline phone numbers to get a rude message through. We worry that exposure may have backfired bc now all the ex-hobby friends know and it could be them messing with us. It hurts. I feel these emails are taking me back to Day 1; a stab and just ruining the progress we are making on our marriage.
X lover BS not only interested in informing my job, but my BS job as well (these were threats-not actually done that we know of). We have not threatened to do this to them. X lover BS is unemployed, one income household. All their immediate family members dead, one grown son (moved away) and grown daughter (estranged-doesn't talk to Dad over suspected molestation case with him-stepdad involved when she was a toddler).

We will continue to work on getting better, but these distractions are a setback.
What to do now?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/01/15 11:15 PM
Hi lsl, welcome to Marriage Builders. How is your husband faring? IT is great that you ended the affair and have come clean. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? Here is the checklist from SAA for extraordinary precautions. How would say you are doing on this checklist?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Posted By: SugarCane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/01/15 11:17 PM
Originally Posted by lsl
I am at or heading towards (hopefully) recovery stage now. It has been 95 days since D-Day. I am married 6 years, blended family, boys both grown, jobs and moved out. Affair happened thru a hobby, of which I have completely cut ties to the social circles involved in it. Changed my number, changed jobs, working on moving away, blocked email, took myself off all social sites, passwords given and emails monitored by BS. I saw the affair for what it was before I could get out of it (PA went on for 5 months). X lover controlling who made no promises to leave, and I was looking to get out of it quickly when X lover's BS found out, exposed the affair and me and my BS have been concentrating on our marriage thru the foundations of this website/books.
Problem we are facing is every now and again (we think) either the X lover or X lover BS is sending messages thru email, text, any sites they are not blocked on. Whoever it is keeps changing their email addresses, and spoofing landline phone numbers to get a rude message through. We worry that exposure may have backfired bc now all the ex-hobby friends know and it could be them messing with us. It hurts. I feel these emails are taking me back to Day 1; a stab and just ruining the progress we are making on our marriage.
X lover BS not only interested in informing my job, but my BS job as well (these were threats-not actually done that we know of). We have not threatened to do this to them. X lover BS is unemployed, one income household. All their immediate family members dead, one grown son (moved away) and grown daughter (estranged-doesn't talk to Dad over suspected molestation case with him-stepdad involved when she was a toddler).

We will continue to work on getting better, but these distractions are a setback.
What to do now?
Welcome to MB.

I don't think you really have blocked all avenues of contact. You must have the same email addresses if these people can get through on them, and you must have the same phone number. Why haven't you changed these?

I'm not sure why you've posted about unwanted messages on this site. It is not really difficult to block these, and if you think they are threatening or abusive you should go to the police.

I can't help but think that there is some other issue behind your question; something to do with your marriage, rather than with unwanted text messages. What is the real issue here?
Posted By: LearnedTooLate Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/01/15 11:21 PM
Use the court system for both of you to place a Resraining Order against both of them and make sure you save ALL documentation as evidence for the filing of the charges and the quick judicial hearing.

Also, if as you say, you and your BH followed all of the guidelines in SAA, then all of those people you are now concerned about finding out via the former AP and his BS should know about the affair already, which would minimize any potential impact they are trying to provoke.

Who was the Affair exposed to initially?

LTL
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/01/15 11:23 PM
Why don't you change your email?
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/01/15 11:28 PM
I left the email open so I could apply for another job instead of closing it right away. Lesson learned, and passing the email over to BS now. Hope now with new job I can close the account now.
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/01/15 11:34 PM
don't think you really have blocked all avenues of contact. You must have the same email addresses if these people can get through on them, and you must have the same phone number. Why haven't you changed these? Left the email and phone on to apply for new job, and now that there is a new job I am working on changing the number, closing the email.

I'm not sure why you've posted about unwanted messages on this site. It is not really difficult to block these, and if you think they are threatening or abusive you should go to the police.

Once I block an email address, a brand-new one is used...and the pattern goes on...I don't know if it is X lover, BS, or someone else...it keeps changing, and I keep blocking...they also make up emails and have accused me of creating the emails (turning tables)

I can't help but think that there is some other issue behind your question; something to do with your marriage, rather than with unwanted text messages. What is the real issue here?
Real issue is we want to Recover....and to be left alone by THEM.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/01/15 11:38 PM
Originally Posted by lsl
Once I block an email address, a brand-new one is used...and the pattern goes on...I don't know if it is X lover, BS, or someone else...it keeps changing, and I keep blocking...they also make up emails and have accused me of creating the emails (turning tables)
Who are they? How do you know this?
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/01/15 11:41 PM
Use the court system for both of you to place a Restraining Order against both of them and make sure you save ALL documentation as evidence for the filing of the charges and the quick judicial hearing.

Can't they turn around and do the same thing to us? We do not have enough proof to know who is sending the emails, it could be them, or it could be the many friends doing it. Not sure if I can take out a restraining order on all of them without proof. Also months have passed. A restraining order has to be done right away. They are not threats, just digs, sarcasm..

Also, if as you say, you and your BH followed all of the guidelines in SAA, then all of those people you are now concerned about finding out via the former AP and his BS should know about the affair already, which would minimize any potential impact they are trying to provoke.

Who was the Affair exposed to initially?
Exposed to my BS, by X lover BS. She hacked his email and copied emails over.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/01/15 11:44 PM
Originally Posted by lsl
Once I block an email address, a brand-new one is used...and the pattern goes on...I don't know if it is X lover, BS, or someone else...it keeps changing, and I keep blocking...they also make up emails and have accused me of creating the emails (turning tables)...

...Real issue is we want to Recover....and to be left alone by THEM.
What I meant was what I said first: you can change your own email addresses and phone numbers. It is really very simple. I still don't understand why you are posting about something technical, that has such a simple solution, here on a marriage building site.

How have "they" accused you of creating the emails? To whom have they made this accusation?

If you don't know whether it is your exOM or his wife, then why are you accusing them of sending these messages?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/01/15 11:44 PM
Originally Posted by lsl
Once I block an email address, a brand-new one is used...and the pattern goes on...I don't know if it is X lover, BS, or someone else...it keeps changing, and I keep blocking...they also make up emails and have accused me of creating the emails (turning tables)

I agree the solution is to cancel your email address. That way no one can get through, especially the OM. All avenues should be shut down anyway.

Quote
What is the real issue here?
Real issue is we want to Recover....and to be left alone by THEM.

With all due respect, the OM's wife wanted to be left alone by you. She didn't invite you into her marriage.
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/01/15 11:45 PM
Who are they? They are either the X Lover, and the BS, or one of the friends in the social group who were exposed to the affair.

How do you know this? Nobody has my BS email except me and my X lover and X lover BS.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/01/15 11:46 PM
Originally Posted by lsl
Can't they turn around and do the same thing to us? We do not have enough proof to know who is sending the emails, it could be them, or it could be the many friends doing it. Not sure if I can take out a restraining order on all of them without proof. Also months have passed. A restraining order has to be done right away. They are not threats, just digs, sarcasm..
So you don't know who is sending you these emails, but you want to blame OM's wife. Why is that?

The solution is really simple. There is no need for a restraining order, which you certainly won't get if you have no proof of who is sending the messages.

Change your contact details!
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/01/15 11:56 PM
What is the real issue here?
Real issue is we want to Recover....and to be left alone by THEM.

With all due respect, the OM's wife wanted to be left alone by you. She didn't invite you into her marriage.

I understand that, and realize he stalked me, and contacted me. It is X lover's fault as well as mine. Actually, it is everybody's fault; we did nothing to affair proof our marriage. Which is why I am here...to Rebuild

It is hard to rebuild, but I will get rid of the emails and numbers now that I have found a new job.
Posted By: GloveOil Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/01/15 11:56 PM
Originally Posted by lsl
...Once I block an email address, a brand-new one is used...
Change your email address, lsl. It's not rocket science. Do you want your affair partner to be able to contact you, or not? If the answer is 'not', then change your address. Change your phone number. Do this for your spouse, as well as for yourself. I did it after my affair. You can, too.

Originally Posted by lsl
...I saw the affair for what it was before I could get out of it (PA went on for 5 months). ...
Was your affair partner holding you at gunpoint? Had you been kidnapped? If the answer to those two questions is 'no,' then I'd suggest not using this sort of language, and would suggest self-examining your thinking behind it.

Your affair lasted as long as you chose to stay in it. Not a day more, and not a day less. Kudos to you for finally seeing the light, but from the words you used here ("before I could get out of it"), it seems to me that you still haven't fully faced up to the fact that every day one stays in an affair is a matter of one's own choice.

Yes, I do understand the sense of feeling "trapped" in something one knows is wrong, when one is in an affair; but in reality, that isn't really being trapped, so much as it is being fearful of the consequences of ending it & of fessing up and/or of being found out. You weren't trapped in your affair. You were afraid of the consequences of leaving it & having it become known. You didn't really choose to face those consequences... until you simply found out one day that you were going to have to face them anyway.

Your spouse isn't going to be able to feel safe in your marriage before you fully face & own the choices you've made. That will give your spouse hope that you can and may make better choices going forward, and help clear the way for the two of you to rebuild. If you don't identify & acknowledge your bad choices, what's to give your spouse any sense of confidence that you can learn to make better ones in the future? Please think on this.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/01/15 11:57 PM
Originally Posted by lsl
Who are they? They are either the X Lover, and the BS, or one of the friends in the social group who were exposed to the affair.

How do you know this? Nobody has my BS email except me and my X lover and X lover BS.
So change yours and your BH's email.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/01/15 11:58 PM
Also, have you been tested for STDs?

Did you send a NC Letter to the OM?
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 12:00 AM
Hi lsl, welcome to Marriage Builders. How is your husband faring? IT is great that you ended the affair and have come clean. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? Here is the checklist from SAA for extraordinary precautions. How would say you are doing on this checklist?

BS is doing as well as can be expected. We do have the book Surviving An Affair: we read it to each other every night after taking a week off work (all we could afford). Great book! Which is why I am here.

We have followed the checklists, the fog is well over, and letting it all die down...
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 12:01 AM
Originally Posted by lsl
I understand that, and realize he stalked me, and contacted me. It is X lover's fault as well as mine. Actually, it is everybody's fault; we did nothing to affair proof our marriage. Which is why I am here...to Rebuild

Well, he might have stalked you, but you allowed him in your life and intruded on HER marriage. I am glad you are here to rebuild, but you asked for this. The betrayed spouses did not.
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 12:03 AM
I understand that, and realize he stalked me, and contacted me. It is X lover's fault as well as mine. Actually, it is everybody's fault; we did nothing to affair proof our marriage. Which is why I am here...to Rebuild

Well, he might have stalked you, but you allowed him in your life and intruded on HER marriage. I am glad you are here to rebuild, but you asked for this. The betrayed spouses did not.

You do realize He ruined HER marriage too.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 12:12 AM
Originally Posted by lsl
I understand that, and realize he stalked me, and contacted me. It is X lover's fault as well as mine. Actually, it is everybody's fault; we did nothing to affair proof our marriage. Which is why I am here...to Rebuild

Well, he might have stalked you, but you allowed him in your life and intruded on HER marriage. I am glad you are here to rebuild, but you asked for this. The betrayed spouses did not.

You do realize He ruined HER marriage too.

Yes, and I realize you helped him do that by sleeping with her husband. You do accept responsibility for your part, don't you?
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 12:15 AM
How have "they" accused you of creating the emails? To whom have they made this accusation? The Xlover BS emailed my BS and told him I had set up an email account (which I had not) and told him to tell me to delete it.

If you don't know whether it is your exOM or his wife, then why are you accusing them of sending these messages?
The Xlover and his BS are the only ones that have my BS email. BS has not posted his email anywhere. We are getting rid of my BS email too.
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 12:17 AM
Yes, and I realize you helped him do that by sleeping with her husband. You do accept responsibility for your part, don't you?

I have accepted responsibility for my actions. The WS on the other end has not.

Posted By: SugarCane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 12:20 AM
Originally Posted by lsl
Yes, and I realize you helped him do that by sleeping with her husband. You do accept responsibility for your part, don't you?

I have accepted responsibility for my actions. The WS on the other end has not.
You really are here to talk about OM and the wrong her did you, aren't you?

It is not believable that you posted here on a marriage building site only because you could not work out that you needed to change your email addresses.
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 12:22 AM
Did you send a NC Letter to the OM?

Did not do this. X lover BS last email said do not send any further contact or they will do a restraining order. 95 days have passed and didn't plan on sending one now.
Posted By: LearnedTooLate Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 12:24 AM
You should ask your Betrayed Husband to open his own topic thread here so he can be more firmly in control of affair proofing the marriage and to ensure no vital steps do not get swept under the rug.

The most glaring ommission so far is the very 1st step, which is full exposure done by your BH to hold you accountable.

The exposure you spoke of was nothing so far.

LTL
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 12:27 AM
You really are here to talk about OM and the wrong her did you, aren't you?

It is not believable that you posted here on a marriage building site only because you could not work out that you needed to change your email addresses.

Is this taking me back to Day 1 every time I deal with this stuff? I do not really see any guidance on this. Is it Day 1 every time the emails came through?

Posted By: SugarCane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 12:29 AM
Originally Posted by lsl
Exposed to my BS, by X lover BS. She hacked his email and copied emails over.
Are you saying that the affair was busted by OM's wife? She read the emails between you and informed your husband about the affair?
Posted By: SugarCane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 12:31 AM
Originally Posted by lsl
Is this taking me back to Day 1 every time I deal with this stuff? I do not really see any guidance on this. Is it Day 1 every time the emails came through?
I don't understand. Are you asking me these questions?

Are you asking me whether you are taken back to Day 1 when you read the unwanted messages?

You should know the answer to this. I'm not clear why you are asking me, if that's what you are doing.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 12:32 AM
Originally Posted by lsl
Is this taking me back to Day 1 every time I deal with this stuff? I do not really see any guidance on this. Is it Day 1 every time the emails came through?

Can you be more specific? What happens when an email comes through? Are you saying your feelings for this woman's husband are triggered? What do you mean exactly?
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 12:35 AM
Are you saying that the affair was busted by OM's wife? She read the emails between you and informed your husband about the affair?

Yes
Posted By: LearnedTooLate Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 12:37 AM
Originally Posted by lsl
Are you saying that the affair was busted by OM's wife? She read the emails between you and informed your husband about the affair?

Yes

But if you thoroughly read AND FOLLOW the SAA book, you would know that THIS, by itself is NOT Exposure.

LTL
Posted By: SugarCane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 12:38 AM
Originally Posted by lsl
Is this taking me back to Day 1 every time I deal with this stuff? I do not really see any guidance on this. Is it Day 1 every time the emails came through?
Ah, I think I understand now. You are asking whether the contact caused by these emails are setting your recovery back to the beginning, wiping out any progress you and your husband have been making. You are right to ask that question.

Contact with OM will indeed set your personal and marital recovery back, and that is why you should have changed your contact details right at the beginning, when the affair was busted by his wife. If you have read Surviving an Affair as you say you have done, you must have seen that blocking all avenues of contact was a requirement. Recovery does not start until no contact (NC) has been established.

And once again: it is easy to do so. Change you emails and phone numbers. You should have worked out that you needed to do that as soon as the first unwanted message came through. Why was it so hard for you to see something that was so obvious? If his wife busted this more than 90 days ago, that is more than 3 months that you've had to think about this simple solution.

And please stop calling the other man (OM) your "X lover". That is disrespectful to your husband.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 12:41 AM
Originally Posted by lsl
Did you send a NC Letter to the OM?

Did not do this. X lover BS last email said do not send any further contact or they will do a restraining order. 95 days have passed and didn't plan on sending one now.
What did she mean by "any further contact"? Further than what?

After she busted the affair, did you contact either of them, whether to accuse them of sending the unwanted messages, or for any other reason?
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 12:44 AM
Can you be more specific? What happens when an email comes through? Are you saying your feelings for this woman's husband are triggered? What do you mean exactly?


I don't see any guidance to explain what triggers Day 1 on a WS. With alcoholics, Day 1 is triggered by taking another drink.

I do not have the answer to what Day 1 is. I do not make contact with X lover, we have followed all the steps, precautionary measures.

I am new, so I don't know....where are the expert WS
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 12:47 AM
Did you send a NC Letter to the OM?

Did not do this. X lover BS last email said do not send any further contact or they will do a restraining order. 95 days have passed and didn't plan on sending one now.
What did she mean by "any further contact"? Further than what?
She said no further contact of any kind. I would suspect this means no emails, messages, calls etc.

After she busted the affair, did you contact either of them, whether to accuse them of sending the unwanted messages, or for any other reason?
We did not contact them after that. We saw the emails, texts, and did not respond to any of them.
Posted By: alis Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 12:48 AM
You haven't followed even the most basic EP. Change contact info. Why don't you just change your phone number/email for heavens sake?
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 12:52 AM
But if you thoroughly read AND FOLLOW the SAA book, you would know that THIS, by itself is NOT Exposure.

So, my BS needs to contact X lover's friends and family. Right now, the social circle of friends knows, what is left of the family is blocked or unknown.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 12:55 AM
Originally Posted by lsl
I am new, so I don't know....where are the expert WS

There is no such thing as an "expert WS." We advocate Dr. Harley's program here, whether one is a WS, BS or has never experienced an affair.
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 12:57 AM
And once again: it is easy to do so. Change you emails and phone numbers. You should have worked out that you needed to do that as soon as the first unwanted message came through. Why was it so hard for you to see something that was so obvious? If his wife busted this more than 90 days ago, that is more than 3 months that you've had to think about this simple solution. I kept my email and phone to secure a new job, and will be changing them. Job took longer to find than expected.

And please stop calling the other man (OM) your "X lover". That is disrespectful to your husband.
I do not know all the lingo yet, not trying to disrespect anyone. I am new here.
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 12:59 AM
You haven't followed even the most basic EP. Change contact info. Why don't you just change your phone number/email for heavens sake?

Because I was trying to find a new job. I now have one, and will get rid of the email. Job took longer to find than expected.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 01:04 AM
Originally Posted by lsl
You haven't followed even the most basic EP. Change contact info. Why don't you just change your phone number/email for heavens sake?

Because I was trying to find a new job. I now have one, and will get rid of the email. Job took longer to find than expected.
When did you get the new job?

Will your BH post here?
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 01:06 AM
Here Acronyms and Abbreviations
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 01:07 AM
When did you get the new job? Very Recently-can't close account until paperwork is secured and start date sent.

Will your BH post here?
My BH is over my shoulder reading every word.

Do you want to ask him a question? Or do you want him to set up his own account?
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 01:16 AM
Originally Posted by lsl
When did you get the new job? Very Recently-can't close account until paperwork is secured and start date sent.

Will your BH post here?
My BH is over my shoulder reading every word.

Do you want to ask him a question? Or do you want him to set up his own account?
It would be nice if he could start his own thread under his own posting name.

Then we can help both of you through recovery.

Have you both been tested for STDs?

Could you please tell us what you've completed from the checklist that ML posted to you?
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 01:25 AM
Checklist for How Affairs Should End

__X___The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

___X__The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.*** Did not do, for fear of threat of restraining order.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse). Working on this now that new job is secured. BH has phone and all passwords

__X___Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

__X___Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

__X___Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary. Just got new job, waiting on start date. Working on getting a new residence.

__X___Avoid overnight separation.

__X___Allow technical accountability.

__X___ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 01:29 AM
Do you have children? If so, how many and how old?
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 01:31 AM
When did you get the new job? Very Recently-can't close account until paperwork is secured and start date sent.

Will your BH post here?
My BH is over my shoulder reading every word.

Do you want to ask him a question? Or do you want him to set up his own account?

It would be nice if he could start his own thread under his own posting name. It would be nice, but he says we are working on this together by him looking over my shoulder...and playing footsies with me...

Then we can help both of you through recovery.

Have you both been tested for STDs? HIPAA, not answering this on an open forum

Could you please tell us what you've completed from the checklist that ML posted to you? Sent checklist, please see other post. I know, it needs more work, but needed the new job. So am I at Day 95 or Day 1?

Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 01:32 AM
Do you have children? If so, how many and how old?

2 boys(adults), both grown and moved out.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 01:32 AM
Originally Posted by lsl
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse). Working on this now that new job is secured. BH has phone and all passwords

lsl, it sounds like you have done a pretty good job of affair proofing your marriage but I am concerned about the voicemail comment. That is in addition to changing your #s, right? Because it won't help if the OM can still get through and I think that is what you do mean. I just wanted to make sure.

Also, how close do you live to the OM? What about his workplace?
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 01:34 AM
All you have to tell us is whether you've both been tested. You don't have to tell us the results.

If you both haven't been tested I strongly recommend you both get tested.

Have you answered ALL of your BH's questions?

How much UA time are you getting a week?

Posted By: SugarCane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 01:34 AM
Originally Posted by lsl
I kept my email and phone to secure a new job, and will be changing them. Job took longer to find than expected.
This doesn't make any sense to me. Why was it necessary to keep your email and phone numbers while looking for a job? You just give your new email and phone number to the employment agency, or you put them on your CV when you apply directly for a job.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 01:35 AM
Originally Posted by lsl
Do you have children? If so, how many and how old?

2 boys(adults), both grown and moved out.
Have they been told?
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 01:37 AM
This doesn't make any sense to me. Why was it necessary to keep your email and phone numbers while looking for a job? You just give your new email and phone number to the employment agency, or you put them on your CV when you apply directly for a job.

Sometimes the jobs I apply for take 3 to 4 months to hear back from. Not all jobs answer right away.

I have made a new email account now and have turned the old one over to BH to monitor for jobs/ other information.
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 01:40 AM
All you have to tell us is whether you've both been tested. You don't have to tell us the results.

If you both haven't been tested I strongly recommend you both get tested.

Have you answered ALL of your BH's questions? Yes, it hasn't always been pleasant, but yes

How much UA time are you getting a week? 30+ on an average week. Enjoyable....not at all painful
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 01:45 AM
All you have to tell us is whether you've both been tested.

We do not have to tell an open forum anything WE do not feel comfortable answering. It is not an Enthusiastic Agreement on Both Sides to do this.

You don't have to tell us the results.

Posted By: SugarCane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 02:22 AM
Originally Posted by lsl
We do not have to tell an open forum anything WE do not feel comfortable answering. It is not an Enthusiastic Agreement on Both Sides to do this.
Okay - don't tell us. Just do it, if you haven't already.

You don't have to respond to this post. We just want to make you aware of the need for safety.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 02:29 AM
Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by lsl
We do not have to tell an open forum anything WE do not feel comfortable answering. It is not an Enthusiastic Agreement on Both Sides to do this.
Okay - don't tell us. Just do it, if you haven't already.

You don't have to respond to this post. We just want to make you aware of the need for safety.
Thanks SugarCane I obviously wasn't making this ^^^^ point clearly enough.

lsl,

This is what I was trying to convey.
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 03:57 AM
lsl, it sounds like you have done a pretty good job of affair proofing your marriage but I am concerned about the voicemail comment. That is in addition to changing your #s, right? Because it won't help if the OM can still get through and I think that is what you do mean. I just wanted to make sure.
Had to keep the number until I got the new job. Now BS has the phone.

Also, how close do you live to the OM? What about his workplace?
We do not live close at all. This did not take place in the workplace. OM travels doing maintenance. We live in another state from OM and plan on moving even farther away, possibly several states away if we can get jobs.

My main concern is the OM BS who has threatened my BS at his work. That upsets him and me. My BS left his job too and found a new one. Part of it has to do with OM BS, but mostly BS saw it was hurting our marriage. I think this is the main reason I (we) came here. To protect my BS.


Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 03:59 AM
It would be nice if he could start his own thread under his own posting name.

Then we can help both of you through recovery.

My BS is looking to see what happens to me out here before he decides whether he will brave the waters.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 04:29 AM
Originally Posted by lsl
It would be nice if he could start his own thread under his own posting name.

Then we can help both of you through recovery.

My BS is looking to see what happens to me out here before he decides whether he will brave the waters.
Well BH we only want to help marriages here and I can't imagine anyone doing anything against TOS. Please feel free to post.

Having both sides can really help you both.

Do you feel you're in recovery?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 05:01 AM
Originally Posted by lsl
My main concern is the OM BS who has threatened my BS at his work.

Threatened to do what exactly?
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 09:16 AM
My main concern is the OM BS who has threatened my BS at his work.

Threatened to do what exactly?
Blackmail, the same thing OM and OM BS threatened to do. OM threatened blackmail before the affair ended. OM was extremely jealous of BS in the end, and wanted me all for himself, without giving any reassurances he would leave his BS. I knew then the web I had weaved and how difficult/impossible (seemingly) it would be to get out of the affair.
We believe this would have had disastrous results for my BS and would have kept me and BS from ever getting hired at a new job to work in the field we were in.
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 09:20 AM
Well BH we only want to help marriages here and I can't imagine anyone doing anything against TOS. Please feel free to post.

Having both sides can really help you both. BS says he doesn't feel that way to help. He doesn't feel you are there to answer WS questions on Day 1 or to give support to WS. He feels it is only support for BS.

Do you feel you're in recovery?
BS does; I do not. Is this support for BS? Is it support for WS?
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 01:51 PM
Well BH we only want to help marriages here and I can't imagine anyone doing anything against TOS. Please feel free to post. What does TOS mean? Not in acronyms.

Having both sides can really help you both. How I feel is with many of these posts are....WS you are on your own, we are not here to support you or help you, only BS. Perhaps I do not need to be here since just talking about the whole thing takes me back to Day 1, and we should just leave.

Do you feel you're in recovery?
BS does; I do not. Is this support for BS? Is it support for WS?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 04:25 PM
Originally Posted by lsl
We believe this would have had disastrous results for my BS and would have kept me and BS from ever getting hired at a new job to work in the field we were in.

lsl, I am confused. How can your husband be blackmailed if he has done nothing wrong?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 04:27 PM
Originally Posted by lsl
Well BH we only want to help marriages here and I can't imagine anyone doing anything against TOS. Please feel free to post.

Having both sides can really help you both. BS says he doesn't feel that way to help. He doesn't feel you are there to answer WS questions on Day 1 or to give support to WS. He feels it is only support for BS.

Do you feel you're in recovery?
BS does; I do not. Is this support for BS? Is it support for WS?

We support the marriage on Marriage Builders. We have helped thousands of couples restore their marriages.

Also, if you want to insert a quote in your post, do this: [*quote] paste the quote here [*/quote] <----just remove the asterisks.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 04:41 PM
TOS=terms of service

The board has helped thousands of WS and BS. Some FWS(former wayward spouse) are some of our best posters. When anyone truly gets the program they are a true asset.


One of the first things to happen is to establish NC with OM and we needed to ask questions to find out about it.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 04:42 PM
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
[quote=lsl]Also, if you want to insert a quote in your post, do this: [*quote] paste the quote here [*/quote] <----just remove the asterisks.
A quicker way is to use the quote button at the bottom of every post:

Top Reply Quote Quick Reply Quick Quote Notify Email Post

The "quote" button produces the quote fully formed. Post your text in underneath the quote, and use the "preview" button to check that your post looks the way you want it to, before you hit "send".

Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 04:51 PM
Originally Posted by lsl
My main concern is the OM BS who has threatened my BS at his work.

Threatened to do what exactly?
Blackmail, the same thing OM and OM BS threatened to do. OM threatened blackmail before the affair ended. OM was extremely jealous of BS in the end, and wanted me all for himself, without giving any reassurances he would leave his BS. I knew then the web I had weaved and how difficult/impossible (seemingly) it would be to get out of the affair.
We believe this would have had disastrous results for my BS and would have kept me and BS from ever getting hired at a new job to work in the field we were in.

If you are being blackmailed then you need to consult an attorney or the county prosecutor. People are typicAlly blackmailed by threatening to report a crime which has been committed. If you committed a crime then you should be speaking to an attorney.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 04:54 PM
Originally Posted by lsl
The Xlover BS emailed my BS and told him I had set up an email account (which I had not) and told him to tell me to delete it.


The Xlover and his BS are the only ones that have my BS email. BS has not posted his email anywhere. We are getting rid of my BS email too.

This is not blackmail
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 05:37 PM
We have already talked to county about the blackmail they said since a crime has not been committed a.k.a. blackmail they cannot do anything at all. The threat was enough for us to have us both leave our jobs. We have also changed vehicles license plates, etc.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 05:50 PM
Originally Posted by lsl
We have already talked to county about the blackmail they said since a crime has not been committed a.k.a. blackmail they cannot do anything at all. The threat was enough for us to have us both leave our jobs. We have also changed vehicles license plates, etc.
What was the threat? What did they threaten to do to you?
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 05:54 PM
Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by lsl
We have already talked to county about the blackmail they said since a crime has not been committed a.k.a. blackmail they cannot do anything at all. The threat was enough for us to have us both leave our jobs. We have also changed vehicles license plates, etc.
What was the threat? What did they threaten to do to you?
A restraining order is a threat to both our jobs. They also planned to send all emails to my work and BS work. This has a high probability of us losing our jobs. We didn't want to risk it, so we both left.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 06:02 PM
Originally Posted by lsl
A restraining order is a threat to both our jobs. They also planned to send all emails to my work and BS work. This has a high probability of us losing our jobs. We didn't want to risk it, so we both left.
1. There was no restraining order

2. Your husband has done nothing wrong. He is the victim of his wife's affair. Under what circumstances would an employer have had the right to sack an employee who had done nothing wrong, either in the workplace or in his private life?

3. The letters were not sent to the employers as far as you'll ever know. There was simply a "threat" from someone that you don't even know was actually this couple.

Yet you both left your jobs? For what on earth reason?

You are trying to paint this couple as blackmailing you, but very little of what you've described so far makes any sense to me. You husband chose to leave his job. Why?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 06:07 PM
Originally Posted by lsl
[
What was the threat? What did they threaten to do to you?
A restraining order is a threat to both our jobs.[/quote]

Was this threat made if you wouldn't leave them alone? Then the solution was to leave them alone.

Quote
They also planned to send all emails to my work and BS work. This has a high probability of us losing our jobs. We didn't want to risk it, so we both left.

But your husband couldn't lose his job if he did nothing wrong. A person can't be fired because his spouse had an affair so I find this explanation confusing.

I am not trying to be obtuse, but I don't see how you were "blackmailed." Am I missing something?
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 06:22 PM
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted by lsl
The Xlover BS emailed my BS and told him I had set up an email account (which I had not) and told him to tell me to delete it.


The Xlover and his BS are the only ones that have my BS email. BS has not posted his email anywhere. We are getting rid of my BS email too.

This is not blackmail
never said it was. Threatening to go to my BS work and send out all the emails is, and can get my BS fired (and me) from a job. So he left. And I did too.
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 06:29 PM
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by lsl
[
What was the threat? What did they threaten to do to you?
A restraining order is a threat to both our jobs.

Was this threat made if you wouldn't leave them alone? Then the solution was to leave them alone.

Quote
They also planned to send all emails to my work and BS work. This has a high probability of us losing our jobs. We didn't want to risk it, so we both left.

But your husband couldn't lose his job if he did nothing wrong. A person can't be fired because his spouse had an affair so I find this explanation confusing. **some workplaces do not have a tolerance for this. A restraining order guarantees we will not keep our jobs. It will guarantee firing from our jobs and unable to retain a new job in our career fields.....I can't tell you more than that, but we cannot have a restraining order or even a threat like that, Bc we can't afford to both be jobless right now.

I am not trying to be obtuse, but I don't see how you were "blackmailed." Am I missing something? [/quote]
Posted By: SugarCane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 06:42 PM
Originally Posted by lsl
A restraining order guarantees we will not keep our jobs. It will guarantee firing from our jobs and unable to retain a new job in our career fields.....I can't tell you more than that, but we cannot have a restraining order or even a threat like that, Bc we can't afford to both be jobless right now.
Yet you chose both to be jobless by leaving your jobs.

This makes no sense to me at all.
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 06:43 PM
Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by lsl
A restraining order is a threat to both our jobs. They also planned to send all emails to my work and BS work. This has a high probability of us losing our jobs. We didn't want to risk it, so we both left.
1. There was no restraining order.....***

2. Your husband has done nothing wrong. He is the victim of his wife's affair. Under what circumstances would an employer have had the right to sack an employee who had done nothing wrong, either in the workplace or in his private life? * a restraining order would lead him to be fired from his job, and prevent him from getting a new one. I Can't go any further with this. can't explain any further on it. We cannot afford a restraining order and will not take that chance, so we got new jobs as a precautionary measure and to get us further away from those two.

3. The letters were not sent to the employers as far as you'll ever know. There was simply a "threat" from someone that you don't even know was actually this couple. OM and OM BS did threaten a restraining order in email, we are not taking any chances.

Yet you both left your jobs? For what on earth reason? BC we can lose our jobs over a restraining order. So you think we should have stayed put and waited?

You are trying to paint this couple as blackmailing you, but very little of what you've described so far makes any sense to me. You husband chose to leave his job. Why? I'm I'm sorry, I can't go into details about what our jobs are. You either will understand or you won't . The mere threat scared me straight, and I was ready to move country to get away from them.
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 06:46 PM
Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by lsl
A restraining order guarantees we will not keep our jobs. It will guarantee firing from our jobs and unable to retain a new job in our career fields.....I can't tell you more than that, but we cannot have a restraining order or even a threat like that, Bc we can't afford to both be jobless right now.
Yet you chose both to be jobless by leaving your jobs. We are Not jobless! We got new jobs.

This makes no sense to me at all.
Stop please, stop asking now.
Posted By: LearnedTooLate Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 06:55 PM
I didn't have my secret decoder ring to even dare to interpret all of the cryptic content about the job situation.....

But,

The bottom line is, that you want them to leave you both alone and have zero contact, right?

Has that been accomplished now?

Wouldn't have a preemptive discussion with both of your employers explaining the potential concerns have been a way to alleviate and mitigate any potential job related turmoil and repercussions?

Was the affair job related?

What's going to prevent this threat from reoccurring at your new job positions?

Did you change your old e-mail address yet now that you both have new jobs?

LTL

Posted By: SusieQ Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 07:27 PM

Can you please ask your BH to post? It is very hard to follow you, lsl. This isn't making much sense.
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 07:29 PM
Originally Posted by LearnedTooLate
I didn't have my secret decoder ring to even dare to interpret all of the cryptic content about the job situation.....

But,

The bottom line is, that you want them to leave you both alone and have zero contact, right? Yes!

Has that been accomplished now? Have given my email info to BS to screen until paperwork for my new job comes through and a start date given. Then the account and phone number closes.

Wouldn't have a preemptive discussion with both of your employers explaining the potential concerns have been a way to alleviate and mitigate any potential job related turmoil and repercussions? My BS needed a new job anyways, as it kept him away for long periods of time. A new job was needed to prevent this from happening again. No point explaining this to his old job as it didn't work for either of our EN. Will give supervisor heads up on OM and OM BS upon my exit from work, will not give my boss my new job information, and ask him not to give any information about me to anyone asking.

Was the affair job related? NO. It was through a social group, whom I do not go with anymore. They are all informed of the affair.

What's going to prevent this threat from reoccurring at your new job positions? BS will not be on away for long periods of time again, we follow the steps to meet each others needs, and we do not disclose our new jobs or schedules to anyone other than immediate family.

Did you change your old e-mail address yet now that you both have new jobs? Will change email once new job ppwk is delivered. BS monitors and then will close.

LTL
Posted By: SusieQ Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 07:32 PM

lsl,

Can you please take the time to use the quote feature correctly?

It's pretty easy to do and it's difficult to read through when you post like ^^ the one above.

Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 07:36 PM
How close does the OM live to you?
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 07:42 PM
After struggling to read this thread, I think what has happened is you had an affair with a man. His wife found out by hacking into her cheating husbands email account and exposed it to your husband.
She has told your husband that you are still trying to contact her husband and that she will seek a restraining order.
At the threat of her seeking a restraining order, you both quit your jobs at separate employers.

Is that a good summation?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 08:26 PM
Originally Posted by lsl
[BS will not be on away for long periods of time again, we follow the steps to meet each others needs, and we do not disclose our new jobs or schedules to anyone other than immediate family.

I think this is a great first step, but would add one critical thing. The reason the affair occurred is because you have poor boundaries around men. Your husband could have met your needs 100% and been at home every night and you still would have had an affair if your love bank is open to others.

So what have you done to change the way you approach other men? Are you aware this is the major reason you had an affair?
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 08:41 PM
Can you please take the time to use the quote feature correctly?

Well I guess I'm not smart enough to do that! Have no idea how to do this from my phone

It's pretty easy to do and it's difficult to read through when you post like ^^ the one above.

Sorry I offend everyone on here.....

Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 08:44 PM
Bottom line- If OM or OMBS do not know where we work-they can't threaten us.

If they can't reach our phone lines- they can't threaten us (I AM working on this and will close soon!)

If they can't get through our email-they can't threaten us (Working on this too will close soon once I get paperwork for my new job)
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 08:46 PM
He lives in another State. My work is TOO CLOSE to where he lives. This is another reason why I got a NEW JOB in another State.
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 08:47 PM
Yet you chose both to be jobless by leaving your jobs.

We got new jobs, away from OM.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 08:48 PM
Originally Posted by lsl
Yet you chose both to be jobless by leaving your jobs.

We got new jobs, away from OM.
That is the best outcome.

Have you received the help you were seeking? Has the issue of their contacting you been resolved now?
Posted By: LearnedTooLate Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 08:52 PM
Originally Posted by lsl
Can you please take the time to use the quote feature correctly?

Well I guess I'm not smart enough to do that! Have no idea how to do this from my phone

It's pretty easy to do and it's difficult to read through when you post like ^^ the one above.

Sorry I offend everyone on here.....

You are not offending anyone, but it is extremely difficult to decipher what reply comments are yours.

Even on a cell phone, you can see the little boxes at the bottom right side of any post you wish to QUOTE.

Click that QUOTE button to the post you are replying to.

It will appear with Quote and /Quote surrounded by rectangular brackets, Quote at the beginning and /Quote at the end.

If you only are responding to just one sentence or paragrapgh, then you can delete the rest, or BOLD the section you are referring to, or even change the color of the portion you are replying to or just your response.

Usually, it is easier to follow if you put your response After the /Quote ending bracket.

I hope that helps.

LTL
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 08:56 PM
I think what has happened is you had an affair with a man. Yes


His wife found out by hacking into her cheating husbands email account and exposed it to your husband. Yes

She has told your husband that if you are still trying to contact her husband that she will seek a restraining order.


*****Yes, and this will impact us both job-wise. There are jobs where if you have a restraining order filed against you, YOU LOSE YOUR JOB. I know nobody believes me, but it is true.


At the threat of her seeking a restraining order, you both quit your jobs at separate employers. YES we did.

We did a horrible job of not closing my phone right away, because I needed the number while waiting many weeks for a phone call back for a New Job offer.

We did a horrible job of leaving the email open so I could get the final paperwork for my New Job so I could leave the AREA. OM IS TOO CLOSE TO MY WORK, even though it is NOT a workplace relationship.

Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 09:01 PM
You are not offending anyone, but it is extremely difficult to decipher what reply comments are yours.

Even on a cell phone, you can see the little boxes at the bottom right side of any post you wish to QUOTE.

Click that QUOTE button to the post you are replying to.

It will appear with Quote and /Quote surrounded by rectangular brackets, Quote at the beginning and /Quote at the end.

If you only are responding to just one sentence or paragrapgh, then you can delete the rest, or BOLD the section you are referring to, or even change the color of the portion you are replying to or just your response.

Usually, it is easier to follow if you put your response After the /Quote ending bracket.


OK, Thank you.

The phone I used will be shut off very soon, and I will have to relearn a new phone, different make and model.

Sorry for making everyone struggle through this. I hate phones, never liked the stupid things, and don't use them for day to day internet things.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 09:06 PM
It sounds like the issue has been resolved.
At this point just focus on following the program in Surviving an Affair
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 09:23 PM
I think this is a great first step, but would add one critical thing. The reason the affair occurred is because you have poor boundaries around men. Your husband could have met your needs 100% and been at home every night and you still would have had an affair if your love bank is open to others.


So what have you done to change the way you approach other men?
*** I do not go to any activities without my BS. MY BS works out with me at the gym before work every a.m. My BS goes with me on any recreational activities. I do not talk to men alone, ever, I do not talk to anyone alone, ever. I do not talk to my family, my "friends" (I have no close friends). I do not talk. I do my work. I do not go out in public with anyone other than BS, ever. I come home and talk to my BS. I don't "approach other men". To date, this is what I have done. Even decided not to go to any family gatherings for the holidays; just stay home, away from everyone.

HUGE trust issues, have been in place since before I could talk. Was taught never to trust anyone, not even my family. They hurt you too and cannot be trusted 100%.

Are you aware this is the major reason you had an affair?
Posted By: lsl Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 09:29 PM
Have you received the help you were seeking?
Not really, this forum just riled me up. My BS thought it was a bad idea to post, as he said they "will most likely will give little support or help to you."

Has the issue of their contacting you been resolved now? Yes, we can close thread. It was stupid to come out here and waste everybody's time. It was painful coming here-I should have stayed away.

I get that. I'm the horrible person and the ONLY ONE AT FAULT. BS NOT TO BLAME; he didn't know EN.


everything is my fault----always has been---always will be-----
Posted By: SugarCane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 09:57 PM
Originally Posted by lsl
I get that. I'm the horrible person and the ONLY ONE AT FAULT. BS NOT TO BLAME; he didn't know EN.


everything is my fault----always has been---always will be-----
Well, isn't it true that you are the only one at fault? Your BS isn't at fault for your choice to have an affair, is he? - unless you asked him first and he said "yes".
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 10:42 PM
Have you been to your doctor for some ADs to help you get through this?

Have you got rid of all things that remind you of OM, such as gifts, pictures, etc?

What has your BH said he needs from you?
Posted By: SusieQ Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 11:14 PM
Originally Posted by lsl
Have you received the help you were seeking?
Not really, this forum just riled me up. My BS thought it was a bad idea to post, as he said they "will most likely will give little support or help to you."

Has the issue of their contacting you been resolved now? Yes, we can close thread. It was stupid to come out here and waste everybody's time. It was painful coming here-I should have stayed away.

I get that. I'm the horrible person and the ONLY ONE AT FAULT. BS NOT TO BLAME; he didn't know EN.


everything is my fault----always has been---always will be-----

Yikes, if that is your attitude around your BH (and you've already told us he is reading this) then I wouldn't be surprised if he was frustrated.

You have gotten many MANY helpful posts - MANY MORE than I got when I first arrived here!

Being humble will go a LONG way. Good luck!
Posted By: LearnedTooLate Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 11:28 PM
Originally Posted by lsl
Have you received the help you were seeking?
Not really, this forum just riled me up. My BS thought it was a bad idea to post, as he said they "will most likely will give little support or help to you."

Has the issue of their contacting you been resolved now? Yes, we can close thread. It was stupid to come out here and waste everybody's time. It was painful coming here-I should have stayed away.

I get that. I'm the horrible person and the ONLY ONE AT FAULT. BS NOT TO BLAME; he didn't know EN.


everything is my fault----always has been---always will be-----

WOW!!!

How does your Husband feel when you throw such a big Pity Party for yourself?

My Wayward Wife said the exact same things to me.

How the heck does the guy who is trying to rebuild his marriage feel and how does he even respond to that?

I know in my case, all I wanted was for my Wife to realize how much I truly cared for and loved her, but she was too busy acting like a self absorbed martyr that nothing I did to try to breach the gap SHE created was ever even close to good enough or welcomed.

At least you supposedly have No Contact any longer with your playmate. But look at the destruction that was caused to two innocent families.

It's NOT all about you. Your Betrayed Husband doesn't truthfully know if things will get better or not, but he is still with you, trying, no matter how much pain you caused him.

LTL
Posted By: SusieQ Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 11:29 PM
Originally Posted by lsl
All you have to tell us is whether you've both been tested.

We do not have to tell an open forum anything WE do not feel comfortable answering. It is not an Enthusiastic Agreement on Both Sides to do this.

You took what she said out of context. Her sentence to you about only telling us whether you have been tested vs telling us the result (which you left out of the quote) was in response to your comment about HIPPA laws (??).

We take STD's very seriously around here and her question to you was only out of concern for your health and your BH's. We have had posters who have died from STD's.

I am sorry that you are feeling so defensive but this was not a very nice way to speak to BrainHurts, somebody who is VOLUNTEERING their free time to help you in this mess that YOU created in your marriage.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/02/15 11:41 PM
Originally Posted by lsl
Have you received the help you were seeking?
Not really, this forum just riled me up. My BS thought it was a bad idea to post, as he said they "will most likely will give little support or help to you."
Can you kindly tell me what we have not addressed, that you were seeking help with?

I thought you came here for help with blocking contact with OM and his wife. That is the title of your thread, after all. We told you how to do that. I do not see what other help you have asked for, but perhaps I've missed it. Could you specify whatever it is we have missed?
Posted By: lslbs Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/03/15 12:08 AM
WOW!!!

How does your Husband feel when you throw such a big Pity Party for yourself? Have you read this post from the beginning?

She started by asking how to deal with the constant attack we have been receiving. In return she received no answer, but was bombarded by with prying questions and accusations.

My Wayward Wife said the exact same things to me.

How the heck does the guy who is trying to rebuild his marriage feel and how does he even respond to that? she doesn't do this to me, only the people who are here to attack aka "help" her. Of course she's defensive to this.

I know in my case, all I wanted was for my Wife to realize how much I truly cared for and loved her, but she was too busy acting like a self absorbed martyr that nothing I did to try to breach the gap SHE created was ever even close to good enough or welcomed.

At least you supposedly have No Contact any longer with your playmate. But look at the destruction that was caused to two innocent families. Yet this site advocates creating more destruction by outing everyone involved and spreading the hurt.

It's NOT all about you. Your Betrayed Husband doesn't truthfully know if things will get better or not, but he is still with you, trying, no matter how much pain you caused him. I appreciate this comment, but none of us truly know until we walk down the path, do we, and find out where it leads.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/03/15 12:18 AM
Mr Lsbs, welcome to Marriage Builders. Would you mind reposting with only your comments or with your comments under the post you are responding to? I can't decipher which are your comments and which belong to the original post. If you will just click the "quote" button at the bottom of the post to which you want to respond and then type your comments under the "[/quote]" then we can read your post.

Thank you so very much.
Posted By: lslbs Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/03/15 12:18 AM
You took what she said out of context. Her sentence to you about only telling us whether you have been tested vs telling us the result (which you left out of the quote) was in response to your comment about HIPPA laws (??). Look up HIPAA

The way it was stated. It could be said in a nicer tone. Example-we care about your safety. Not-You have to tell us!

We take STD's very seriously around here and her question to you was only out of concern for your health and your BH's. We have had posters who have died from STD's. Again, this could be stated better.

I am sorry that you are feeling so defensive but this was not a very nice way to speak to BrainHurts, somebody who is VOLUNTEERING their free time to help you in this mess that YOU created in your marriage.

Yes, I am sorry her comments were venomous at best to my WS. If you use an attacking tone, you should expect one in return. Do you save all your Love Busters to attack WS on this site?
Posted By: lslbs Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/03/15 12:21 AM
Yikes, if that is your attitude around your BH (and you've already told us he is reading this) then I wouldn't be surprised if he was frustrated.

She does not talk to ME in this manner, only people who continually attack her here. She has not talked to anyone about this openly, this was her idea not mine.

You have gotten many MANY helpful posts - MANY MORE than I got when I first arrived here!

Being humble will go a LONG way. Good luck!

She was hoping other WS would provide more insight on recovery process.
Posted By: lslbs Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/03/15 12:26 AM
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Have you been to your doctor for some ADs to help you get through this?

Have you got rid of all things that remind you of OM, such as gifts, pictures, etc?

What has your BH said he needs from you?


neither one of us is taking drugs.

we gotten rid of the mementos, and sent the gifts back to them (OM and OM BS)

I have told her that I need honesty, openness, and her love. I am trying not to make too many demands with her because she needs to decide if she wants to be with me and I can't force her to do that.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/03/15 12:26 AM
Originally Posted by lslbs
he way it was stated. It could be said in a nicer tone. Example-we care about your safety. Not-You have to tell us!

Sir, your wife is not a child who needs to be protected from direct questions. She was not attacked. She was asked many, many questions because she is so vague that her posts are incomprehensible.

Her initial question most certainly WAS answered: many, many times. The answer is to change her contact information and stay out of other people's marriages. Hopefully she has learned her lesson from this experience.

She was not attacked and no one was venomous to her. Let's keep in mind here that she is not a victim. It is a good experience for her to see how objective observers react to her views. I get the feeling she has been very PROTECTED from reality by you. That is a mistake that does not help her in the least.

Just know that we are on your side. As such, we are not here to coddle your wife. I have made many helpful posts to her and have not so much as received a thank you. Telling other posters how to post is very disrespectful.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/03/15 12:28 AM
Originally Posted by lslbs
She was hoping other WS would provide more insight on recovery process.

The advice given here is the same, whether it comes from a wayward or a betrayed spouse. The advice given here all comes from Dr Bill Harley, who is neither. The program of recovery is the same.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/03/15 12:30 AM
Originally Posted by lslbs
Yikes, if that is your attitude around your BH (and you've already told us he is reading this) then I wouldn't be surprised if he was frustrated.

She does not talk to ME in this manner, only people who continually attack her here. She has not talked to anyone about this openly, this was her idea not mine.

You have gotten many MANY helpful posts - MANY MORE than I got when I first arrived here!

Being humble will go a LONG way. Good luck!

She was hoping other WS would provide more insight on recovery process.

I am assuming the LAST sentence is yours? I can hardly decipher. Can you please use the quote feature and make your post UNDER the other persons post which is signified by "[/quote]"?
Posted By: lslbs Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/03/15 12:30 AM
Originally Posted by SusieQ
Originally Posted by lsl
Have you received the help you were seeking?
Not really, this forum just riled me up. My BS thought it was a bad idea to post, as he said they "will most likely will give little support or help to you."

Has the issue of their contacting you been resolved now? Yes, we can close thread. It was stupid to come out here and waste everybody's time. It was painful coming here-I should have stayed away.

I get that. I'm the horrible person and the ONLY ONE AT FAULT. BS NOT TO BLAME; he didn't know EN.


everything is my fault----always has been---always will be-----

Yikes, if that is your attitude around your BH (and you've already told us he is reading this) then I wouldn't be surprised if he was frustrated.

You have gotten many MANY helpful posts - MANY MORE than I got when I first arrived here!

Being humble will go a LONG way. Good luck!



She does not talk to ME in this manner, only people who continually attack her here. She has not talked to anyone about this openly, this was her idea not mine.








She was hoping other WS would provide more insight on recovery process.
Posted By: lslbs Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/03/15 12:32 AM
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by lslbs
She was hoping other WS would provide more insight on recovery process.

The advice given here is the same, whether it comes from a wayward or a betrayed spouse. The advice given here all comes from Dr Bill Harley, who is neither. The program of recovery is the same.

Again, thank you for the non answer

She wants to talk with WS, not get attacked by all the BS here! Is it any wonder why there are so few WS posting here?

Or is this one joint Love Buster pity party for BS
Posted By: lslbs Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/03/15 12:38 AM
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by lslbs
he way it was stated. It could be said in a nicer tone. Example-we care about your safety. Not-You have to tell us!

Sir, your wife is not a child who needs to be protected from direct questions. She was not attacked. She was asked many, many questions because she is so vague that her posts are incomprehensible.

Her initial question most certainly WAS answered: many, many times. The answer is to change her contact information and stay out of other people's marriages. Hopefully she has learned her lesson from this experience.

She was not attacked and no one was venomous to her. Let's keep in mind here that she is not a victim. It is a good experience for her to see how objective observers react to her views. I get the feeling she has been very PROTECTED from reality by you. That is a mistake that does not help her in the least.



Just know that we are on your side. As such, we are not here to coddle your wife. I have made many helpful posts to her and have not so much as received a thank you. Telling other posters how to post is very disrespectful.

As I suspected, you take one side here

You Ma'am, have no idea what she has been through. And do not seem to be interested either.

You do realize EVERYONE is a victim in all of this? Not just the BS. There are REASONS affairs happen and ALL are at Fault to some degree.

If you don't keep the love bank full, someone else does. Isn't this the point of this
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/03/15 12:40 AM
Originally Posted by lslbs
[

Again, thank you for the non answer

She wants to talk with WS, not get attacked by all the BS here! Is it any wonder why there are so few WS posting here?

Or is this one joint Love Buster pity party for BS

Thank you for being so rude when I took my valuable time to respond to your post. crazy

Again, she doesn't need to talk to a wayward spouse because the advice we give here comes from DR HARLEY. It is very disrespectful of you to dismiss the other posters [BS, non-BS, non WS] who took their valuable time to post to her. This is not a chitchat forum, but a forum to discuss Dr Harley's program.
Posted By: SusieQ Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/03/15 12:40 AM
Originally Posted by lslbs
Yes, I am sorry her comments were venomous at best to my WS. If you use an attacking tone, you should expect one in return.

A poster asking about STD's is hardly "venomous". However, anything you or your W perceive as an attack should be reported to the mods by clicking "notify".

Quote
Do you save all your Love Busters to attack WS on this site?
Lovebusters is a term that is used for marriage building. Posters here are not concerned about filling your W's lovebank.
Posted By: SusieQ Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/03/15 12:43 AM
Originally Posted by lslbs
You do realize EVERYONE is a victim in all of this? Not just the BS. There are REASONS affairs happen and ALL are at Fault to some degree.

If you don't keep the love bank full, someone else does. Isn't this the point of this

It's recommend that you read all the materials on this site and order SAA (Surviving an Affair). I predict a very rocky road ahead. Good luck!
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/03/15 12:45 AM
Originally Posted by lslbs
[
As I suspected, you take one side here

This is true. We "take the side" of the marriage.

Quote
You Ma'am, have no idea what she has been through. And do not seem to be interested either.

I know what she has "been through." She has had an affair and hurt many people who did not volunteer for it.

Quote
You do realize EVERYONE is a victim in all of this? Not just the BS. There are REASONS affairs happen and ALL are at Fault to some degree.

There are reasons, but no EXCUSES. Those "reasons" do not justify hurting others. Like I said, she is not a victim, she and her OM are volunteers. The victims are the BS's and their children.

Quote
If you don't keep the love bank full, someone else does. Isn't this the point of this

If you don't keep your keep your love bank closed to others, it doesn't MATTER how full your love bank is.
Posted By: lslbs Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/03/15 12:45 AM
**EDIT**
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/03/15 12:46 AM
lslbs, be assured we not interested in what she "has been through" because it is irrelevant to the plan of recovery. She came here seeking help for her marriage, which is what we provide.
Posted By: Denali Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/03/15 12:50 AM
The attacks and bickering are going to stop now! The purpose of this forum is to discuss and learn the Marriage Builders program. If you are here for that purpose, we encourage you to post. If not, please refrain from posting. We will lock this thread if it doesn't stop immediately.
Posted By: lslbs Re: they will not leave us alone - 01/03/15 12:58 AM
**edit**
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