Marriage Builders
I just recently found out that my husband who I have been married with since Sept 2014 cheated on me with someone almost 9 years younger than me. He was cheating since prior to our marriage, and claims that he has since been trying to break it off when I confronted him about the other girl.

I'm older than my husband by 4 years. I'm a successful professional that also owns my own businesses. He claims that the reason why he felt he needed to find the affections of another women was to feel like a man? He said that my family and friends looked down on him because he was always in my shadow. He makes good money, educated, and the alpha with his group of friends. I don't think I've ever tried to make him feel that way but is it so bad that he married a successful women?

After the confrontation, the first night I kicked him out of the house. It was for me to take some time for myself and to think of how things should move forward. I was broken and in tears the whole night. I'm a good wife and a good person, I don't understand how he could of done this to me? After a few days passed, I finally took the time to speak to him about his affair. We talked about how to work on rebuilding us if he wants to be married still, and if he didn't, I had divorce papers signed and he can sign them to make the joint filing faster. He wants to keep our marriage together and we are trying to communicate with one another but we still do not stay in the same house together. I told him I want him to court me and make me fall in love with him again. That the energy he spent on wooing other girls, he should of spent that energy with me and grow our love.

Sadly last night the other girl started harassing me and it broke me down again. I never reached out to this girl, but she found my number and started telling me that she was with him and that he got her pregnant and forced her to have an abortion. These things really hurt me a lot when I heard. I told him over the phone via text about what she said to me and how she was harassing me, and he went over to her to tell her to leave his wife alone and to disappear from our lives. He ended up getting assaulted by her and her friends. We had to call the police and sign a statement of the assault.

I'm scared that even though we try, she will not leave me alone. I'm not sure how to move forward anymore. She's hit a sore spot, on the pregnancy and the abortion. He said he's never slept with her and shes making these things up. I'm not sure if it's true or not, I don't have enough faith to believe in him, but I do love him enough to try to give our marriage another shot.

Any suggestions I can get that can help ease my pain and help me open my heart again to fall in love with the man I married? How can he fix this hurt that he has caused? My family and friends are pro divorce and wants me to stop talking to him immediately. But to me, it's ultimately my decision on my marriage, it's ultimately what my heart wants, I'm just afraid this will happen again and I'll be forever broken.
DLJ

Seriously try to get an annulment! Save yourself the long term pain and disappointment.

God Bless
Gamma
Originally Posted by Gamma
Seriously try to get an annulment! Save yourself the long term pain and disappointment.

x 100

Divorce and/or annulment, cut your losses and cut your WH out of your life. There is nothing here to save and his justifications to cheat are lame at best.

Sorry for your hurt but I agree with your family...divorce him.
hi DLJ, welcome to Marriage Builders. I can understand why your family and friends would suggest you just get divorced. You have been married such a short amount of time and have very little investment in him. You have a massive uphill climb to make this destroyed marriage work. And it may not work. I can see going through hell for a 10 yr marriage, with some good history, some kids and a mortgage, but I don't see the sense in fighting to save a marriage that means so little to your husband that he has destroyed it inside of 6 months.

Here is a guy who blames his affair on how others make him feel. What is to stop him from having an affair in the future when someone makes him feel bad?

Quote
I He wants to keep our marriage together and we are trying to communicate with one another

What will he do to protect you from this again? And will he come clean and take a polygraph? Because I don't believe you have the full truth.
Originally Posted by DLJ1981
it's ultimately what my heart wants

Do not ignore logic. Following your heart and feelings would be foolish.
DLJ,

You wrote, My family and friends are pro divorce and wants me to stop talking to him immediately.

Yes please go "plan B" no contact of any kind, even given the little that you wrote, I suspect that your WH is a habitual liar who blames all his failing on outside events and others.

He sounds like the kind of guy who will run up $300,000 in gambling debts and then run away. Also that he would cheat with a woman who has him beaten up shows you what sense he has.

God Bless
Gamma
Originally Posted by DLJ1981
That the energy he spent on wooing other girls

Multiple OW

Quote
She was harassing me, and he went over to her to tell her to leave his wife alone and to disappear from our lives.

Who is this OW that he knows where she lives and rushed over to her house?

He is lying and will continue to lie to you.
Hate to tell you this but don't believe it for one minute..

"He said he's never slept with her and shes making these things up."
Three weeks in Plan B and you (and your heart) will feel better.

Seriously I doubt he has made you feel cared for in ages. You are mourning a vision of the future more than anything.

I'll get you a checklist of what he needs to do to make you feel safe but he's clearly a playah who won't be able to do it.

Blaming your success is nauseating.

Originally Posted by MelodyLane
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


You will need a polygraph for the first item because he is lying. He wasn't hanging out with her for her elegant company.

Thank you everyone for your suggestion and comments. It's just sad that I feel like I love him more than he can ever love me. I'm still stuck on what to do because I still love him, I'm just hurt and still trying to get through it.

I really want us to work, but I also know that my heart is breaking both ways knowing if it doesn't the same tragedy will happen, and if I choose to have a divorce, how I'll feel my heart is broken as well because I don't think I've ever loved someone as much before.

The logical me and the heart is constantly in battle right now. I don't know if its me, or why ever guy I have ever dated in the past has cheated on me. I'm not ugly, I'm not fat, I'm not stupid, I'm a genuinely nice girl who is petite and smart and a bit tom boyish that all. But I've met nothing but [censored] in my life I guess, go figure...
So sorry that you're going through this DLJ1981, and I agree with the others that you should seek an annulment, and if this isn't possible, a divorce. The actions of your husband seriously damage his credibility as someone who will take care of you.

I imagine it's hard to consider this since he is repentant, but if you stay with him, what will probably happen is a day will come when he will not only cheat on you but also unrepentantly abandon you for another woman. And you will feel not only hurt but rejected and alone. This has happened to many of us on here.

On getting stuck with wayward people...I'd get Dr. Harley's book "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders". Like many of us who have been betrayed, you might need to do a better job shopping for a partner next time and this will explain how to do that.
Originally Posted by axslinger85
I imagine it's hard to consider this since he is repentant

I don't think this WH is repentant at all. It takes a LONG time to tell if a WS is ever repentant. He is trying to save his butt and whining about his inferiority complex. A WH with low self esteem will suck the life out of you.

DLJ1981, you deserve far better than this. WH cheated on you before marriage and the entire time. To stand up before God, look your bride in the eyes, and take vows while knowingly deceiving and betraying his bride, takes a special kind of SOB IMO.
Originally Posted by Gamma
Also that he would cheat with a woman who has him beaten up shows you what sense he has.

I don't have issue with OW or her friends assaulting him. WH is a liar and a user. Who knows how this played out. While violence is not the answer, at least her friends are protective of her and not standing by as enablers. Hopefully they knock some sense into the OW too (not physically of course).
DLJ,

The fact that so many posters are telling you to dump this guy immediately is very rare on marriage builders. You are supposed to be in the honeymoon period of your marriage and instead you have this horror.

I think you need to examine who you are choosing to date if they keep cheating on you, you need to get rid of your WH and work on yourself.

God Bless
Gamma
Originally Posted by DLJ1981
Thank you everyone for your suggestion and comments. It's just sad that I feel like I love him more than he can ever love me. I'm still stuck on what to do because I still love him, I'm just hurt and still trying to get through it.

I really want us to work, but I also know that my heart is breaking both ways knowing if it doesn't the same tragedy will happen, and if I choose to have a divorce, how I'll feel my heart is broken as well because I don't think I've ever loved someone as much before.

The logical me and the heart is constantly in battle right now. I don't know if its me, or why ever guy I have ever dated in the past has cheated on me. I'm not ugly, I'm not fat, I'm not stupid, I'm a genuinely nice girl who is petite and smart and a bit tom boyish that all. But I've met nothing but [censored] in my life I guess, go figure...
Will he do any actions to prove to you that he wants to save your marriage? The checklist that has been posted to you?
Originally Posted by DLJ1981
.

The logical me and the heart is constantly in battle right now. I don't know if its me, or why ever guy I have ever dated in the past has cheated on me. I'm not ugly, I'm not fat, I'm not stupid, I'm a genuinely nice girl who is petite and smart and a bit tom boyish that all. But I've met nothing but [censored] in my life I guess, go figure...


I did this after a ten year marriage and was utterly heartbroken. I felt I was cutting off my own leg. After three weeks no contact I felt better. After six months totally healed.

Love is a drug and you have to go cold turkey. It isn't easy but would you rather still be here in ten, twenty years?

Today I am far more in love than I have ever been and happily, not unhappily hooked!

You can do this.

Originally Posted by DLJ1981
I don't know if its me, or why ever guy I have ever dated in the past has cheated on me. I'm not ugly, I'm not fat, I'm not stupid, I'm a genuinely nice girl who is petite and smart and a bit tom boyish that all. But I've met nothing but [censored] in my life I guess, go figure...

Start listening to MB radio and set your standards high!
In the articles section there is an article on "choosing the right one to marry".

voting for anullment. He has hidden a secret second life to you and has married you under false pretense.
and you should get tested for STD's ASAP!
Originally Posted by happyheart
Originally Posted by DLJ1981
I don't know if its me, or why ever guy I have ever dated in the past has cheated on me. I'm not ugly, I'm not fat, I'm not stupid, I'm a genuinely nice girl who is petite and smart and a bit tom boyish that all. But I've met nothing but [censored] in my life I guess, go figure...

Start listening to MB radio and set your standards high!
In the articles section there is an article on "choosing the right one to marry"..


It's not about you, it's all about the candidates and the selection process.

Highly recommend that dating article.

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