I need prayer. - 03/02/15 11:59 PM
I really need prayer.
i am a christian woman 50, married for 32yrs, husband had a yr long affair, we divorced & remarried, 9 mos ago i got 'addicted' to an emotional/txt affair, now trying desperately to become free of this. all of this is so hard to explain and it's extremely hard for me to face because of trauma, our oldest son was on the heart transplant list suffered for five years before passing away at age 21, then The sudden death of my mom-my best friend in the world, and for most of our family life husb. treated us horribly and then 8 yrs after our son died he had a year-long affair and told me he was divorcing me and left me.
I had never been on social websites before, innocently joined one, struck up a friendship etc.
I know why I became so attached to this person. these past 9 months I've been on a downhill slope and I feel sometimes like I've gone nuts like I have a split personality sometimes.
I do understand some of it. Some People who have been through extreme intense long-term emotional suffering ..sometimes their brains must split their emotions..and they develop certain coping techniques to block out the pain so that they can survive. mentally and emotionally. that's no excuse for what I've done. having an affair is wrong. I should've either committed to staying with My husb and not had anything to do with the OM or divorced Husb and then found someone at my church to date.
I could write a novel on this..
Me and the om connected for whatever reasons and we seemed to really care about each other.
I thought he really cared for me and I really loved him to death ..I'm sobbing. God this hurts. I came along at a time when he needed emotional needs met and I met them and he definitely did the same for me. The benefit that I derived from the affair was an immense happiness freedom and joy in the sense of being my real self again, ..the me that I was before I got married ..the real me ..the happy, positive, upbeat me. but this affair (if you can even call it that) has been so torturous, filled with anxiety and grief and more pain than I have ever felt..believe it or not it's pretty close to the pain of Losing our son.
I don't really understand how or why I have clung to it more than life itself almost, just to keep it going, even at the risk of ruining my life. I haven't talked to my family in 5 months because I'm so ashamed and there's no way I can explain this to them that I'm staying in this affair even though it's so painful and destructive, because I don't even understand it. I'm constantly full of guilt, the negatives way outweigh the positives. and as far as 'effort', trying to do the right thing, break it off MoveOn etc?..
..I tell you I have tried to break it off harder than I have ever tried at anything in my whole life. The weird part is we have so little contact with each other. He gives me little tiny crumbs of attention that I lap up like a starving person. We go for weeks without even talking to each other. and then when we do 'connect' it's only through texting-
he hardly ever wants to call me on the phone so basically it's just a few paragraphs of texting maybe 3-4 times a week that's so pathetic.
The om has tried to do the right thing, he's broken it off many times.
The problem is not me not being able to decide whether to leave my husb and be with Om, my logical brain has always known that that would never ever happen. The problem is that every time I've tried to break it off with Him...the pain is so intense ..it's so intense for whatever my emotional reasons are..the pain is so intense that I cannot even bear it. and I am a strong woman, I've been through years of being strong through suffering. there must be some survival instinct in me that when I break up with him it feels like I am just dying. it's hard to explain it's not just the end of a romantic love affair.. it feels like I am really dying, like God is leaving me, if that makes any sense. something must've gotten screwed up inside me to make me cling to the om as if he was God or something. and I don't have low self-esteem, I know that I could get any man so it's not that. I know the om is not gonna leave His wife and I tell him all the time. I've never asked him to,
I hardly even ask him for anything.
I know this all sounds crazy and weird believe me it's still crazy and weird to me. All I know is it it's getting harder and harder or for both of us and I know that he's probably going to try to break it off with me again pretty soon. ( this will be probably the 4th time maybe)-and it hurts so bad I can't even think about it. Right now I'm just praying that God will give him the strength to do it and give me the strength to stay away and grieve the loss and then move on, I haven't been able to do that yet and I've tried harder than anything. it's like my heart wants to keep these fantasy dreams alive of 'me and him maybe being together someday' -even though it's not real, it still brings so much joy and happiness. and I know it does the same for him or he wouldn't keep coming back to me. He has risked alot too..she has thrown him out twice and even now they're on very shaky ground. If I was OM,
there's No Way in the world I would leave my wife to be with me! that's illogical.
But when that little dream is taken away, it feels like..death. just death. and I'm not talking about a week or few weeks, the pain doesnt end. -Some people when they're very addicted to something, get delivered from it instantly. other people have to try many times (3 steps forward 2 steps back) and eventually they get free after trying and failing. all I can do is keep praying that God will give me the strength to do the right thing and that maybe He will bring some good out of this. but I dont have the right to ask God 'hey can you bring a nice-good-happy ending out of my sexual- sinful-lying affair?'
When we break up, the OM becomes extremely emotionally cruel, I know he doesn't do it on purpose it has to do with his childhood etc. But combine my fear of the pain and grief of breakup,
and Om's bad coping skill of becoming extremely cruel,
it is just the most horrible horrible thing to go through.
i'm sorry I'm babbling on and on..
I know I have sinned grievously and I need prayer and God's help to get me on the right path.
Thank you God bless.
i am a christian woman 50, married for 32yrs, husband had a yr long affair, we divorced & remarried, 9 mos ago i got 'addicted' to an emotional/txt affair, now trying desperately to become free of this. all of this is so hard to explain and it's extremely hard for me to face because of trauma, our oldest son was on the heart transplant list suffered for five years before passing away at age 21, then The sudden death of my mom-my best friend in the world, and for most of our family life husb. treated us horribly and then 8 yrs after our son died he had a year-long affair and told me he was divorcing me and left me.
I had never been on social websites before, innocently joined one, struck up a friendship etc.
I know why I became so attached to this person. these past 9 months I've been on a downhill slope and I feel sometimes like I've gone nuts like I have a split personality sometimes.
I do understand some of it. Some People who have been through extreme intense long-term emotional suffering ..sometimes their brains must split their emotions..and they develop certain coping techniques to block out the pain so that they can survive. mentally and emotionally. that's no excuse for what I've done. having an affair is wrong. I should've either committed to staying with My husb and not had anything to do with the OM or divorced Husb and then found someone at my church to date.
I could write a novel on this..
Me and the om connected for whatever reasons and we seemed to really care about each other.
I thought he really cared for me and I really loved him to death ..I'm sobbing. God this hurts. I came along at a time when he needed emotional needs met and I met them and he definitely did the same for me. The benefit that I derived from the affair was an immense happiness freedom and joy in the sense of being my real self again, ..the me that I was before I got married ..the real me ..the happy, positive, upbeat me. but this affair (if you can even call it that) has been so torturous, filled with anxiety and grief and more pain than I have ever felt..believe it or not it's pretty close to the pain of Losing our son.
I don't really understand how or why I have clung to it more than life itself almost, just to keep it going, even at the risk of ruining my life. I haven't talked to my family in 5 months because I'm so ashamed and there's no way I can explain this to them that I'm staying in this affair even though it's so painful and destructive, because I don't even understand it. I'm constantly full of guilt, the negatives way outweigh the positives. and as far as 'effort', trying to do the right thing, break it off MoveOn etc?..
..I tell you I have tried to break it off harder than I have ever tried at anything in my whole life. The weird part is we have so little contact with each other. He gives me little tiny crumbs of attention that I lap up like a starving person. We go for weeks without even talking to each other. and then when we do 'connect' it's only through texting-
he hardly ever wants to call me on the phone so basically it's just a few paragraphs of texting maybe 3-4 times a week that's so pathetic.
The om has tried to do the right thing, he's broken it off many times.
The problem is not me not being able to decide whether to leave my husb and be with Om, my logical brain has always known that that would never ever happen. The problem is that every time I've tried to break it off with Him...the pain is so intense ..it's so intense for whatever my emotional reasons are..the pain is so intense that I cannot even bear it. and I am a strong woman, I've been through years of being strong through suffering. there must be some survival instinct in me that when I break up with him it feels like I am just dying. it's hard to explain it's not just the end of a romantic love affair.. it feels like I am really dying, like God is leaving me, if that makes any sense. something must've gotten screwed up inside me to make me cling to the om as if he was God or something. and I don't have low self-esteem, I know that I could get any man so it's not that. I know the om is not gonna leave His wife and I tell him all the time. I've never asked him to,
I hardly even ask him for anything.
I know this all sounds crazy and weird believe me it's still crazy and weird to me. All I know is it it's getting harder and harder or for both of us and I know that he's probably going to try to break it off with me again pretty soon. ( this will be probably the 4th time maybe)-and it hurts so bad I can't even think about it. Right now I'm just praying that God will give him the strength to do it and give me the strength to stay away and grieve the loss and then move on, I haven't been able to do that yet and I've tried harder than anything. it's like my heart wants to keep these fantasy dreams alive of 'me and him maybe being together someday' -even though it's not real, it still brings so much joy and happiness. and I know it does the same for him or he wouldn't keep coming back to me. He has risked alot too..she has thrown him out twice and even now they're on very shaky ground. If I was OM,
there's No Way in the world I would leave my wife to be with me! that's illogical.
But when that little dream is taken away, it feels like..death. just death. and I'm not talking about a week or few weeks, the pain doesnt end. -Some people when they're very addicted to something, get delivered from it instantly. other people have to try many times (3 steps forward 2 steps back) and eventually they get free after trying and failing. all I can do is keep praying that God will give me the strength to do the right thing and that maybe He will bring some good out of this. but I dont have the right to ask God 'hey can you bring a nice-good-happy ending out of my sexual- sinful-lying affair?'
When we break up, the OM becomes extremely emotionally cruel, I know he doesn't do it on purpose it has to do with his childhood etc. But combine my fear of the pain and grief of breakup,
and Om's bad coping skill of becoming extremely cruel,
it is just the most horrible horrible thing to go through.
i'm sorry I'm babbling on and on..
I know I have sinned grievously and I need prayer and God's help to get me on the right path.
Thank you God bless.