Dealing With Husband Working with Female Colleague - 03/20/15 08:05 PM
1st of all, I'm not sure if I'm putting this topic in the correct category. If it's not, please feel free to guide me in the right direction and I'll delete/repost...but I really need some guidance!
My husband and I have been married for almost 36 years. We've had some bumps in the road, just like everyone else. 2 years ago, we moved to a large city from a smaller suburb. This move was because he was transferred with his company. Long story short...he is now working around a lot of female colleagues. I know he takes his job serious because he likes what he does. He has 35 years invested with this company, so I'm pretty sure he's aware that any inappropriate relationships would mess up his career. He is a VERY big BS'er!! He's a people pleaser. He's also been diagnosed as being borderline bipolar. He says he loves me and I feel like he does because who would stick around for 36 years if they didn't. We have 3 boys and 3 grandchildren and have a lot of memories!
My problem is that a few years ago, I discovered a 4 year relationship he had with a young woman who was a waitress at a hotel. He met her during a week long conference held at the hotel. It's just that trust thing that gets broken...and he didn't even work with her. He swears it was not about sex so in his opinion it wasn't an "affair" even though I found phone call records where he'd call her right after calling me while on a business trip...called her on Valentine's day, etc. After 36 years, I do know him pretty well and know that he's a people person and loves talking to people, watching people, etc. The bad thing is, I'm just the opposite.
So now, he's working around all these women that we didn't have to contend with before and I'm having anxiety/panic attacks because of this. The most recent thing is a new female colleague - to replace a retiree - who's coming on board in a few days who will work right alongside him. He tells me that for a trip he's had planned, she may be going with him....for a 6 hr car ride....from Monday-Thursday!!! I don't know how to deal with this! There's already one woman he works with that I get nervous vibes about...in fact, I just met her a couple of hours ago while visiting him for lunch. He lied to me about something and I know this because I read an email from her on his phone. I know, I know...I probably should just stay out of his phone, but because of the previous affair I just can't help myself!!
What should I do?? When I've confronted him about my feelings, he gets very angry and defensive. In one situation a few weeks ago, we were in a fast food restaurant....I started crying because of a panic attack...and he blew up, started cursing at me asking "why are you crying", "I'm tired of you bringing this up", and even suggested us splitting up. When he saw me the next morning, he hugged me and almost started crying.
Since we moved here 2 years ago, his anger has gotten worse but I notice it's worse mainly at the end of the day. I've found hidden cash, something he's never done before and now the cash is gone. Did he move to another hiding place? Did he spend it on someone else? He doesn't use it for lunch or gifts for me, etc. Everything like that comes out of our checking account.
I know that some people will say to tell him he can't work alone with these women. His answer to that would be "it's my job"!! I've actually confronted his boss, who we've known for about 30 years. He told me he didn't know of anything inappropriate, but then he himself was cheated on by his fiancee so why should I trust him? I've thought about emailing another female colleague of his that I've spoken to and trust over the past several years. I can take him working around these women in an office environment, but this 6 hour trip to me isn't healthy for a marriage. He doesn't think anything of it, of course.
Thanks for your help. I'll definitely be waiting for answers:)
My husband and I have been married for almost 36 years. We've had some bumps in the road, just like everyone else. 2 years ago, we moved to a large city from a smaller suburb. This move was because he was transferred with his company. Long story short...he is now working around a lot of female colleagues. I know he takes his job serious because he likes what he does. He has 35 years invested with this company, so I'm pretty sure he's aware that any inappropriate relationships would mess up his career. He is a VERY big BS'er!! He's a people pleaser. He's also been diagnosed as being borderline bipolar. He says he loves me and I feel like he does because who would stick around for 36 years if they didn't. We have 3 boys and 3 grandchildren and have a lot of memories!
My problem is that a few years ago, I discovered a 4 year relationship he had with a young woman who was a waitress at a hotel. He met her during a week long conference held at the hotel. It's just that trust thing that gets broken...and he didn't even work with her. He swears it was not about sex so in his opinion it wasn't an "affair" even though I found phone call records where he'd call her right after calling me while on a business trip...called her on Valentine's day, etc. After 36 years, I do know him pretty well and know that he's a people person and loves talking to people, watching people, etc. The bad thing is, I'm just the opposite.
So now, he's working around all these women that we didn't have to contend with before and I'm having anxiety/panic attacks because of this. The most recent thing is a new female colleague - to replace a retiree - who's coming on board in a few days who will work right alongside him. He tells me that for a trip he's had planned, she may be going with him....for a 6 hr car ride....from Monday-Thursday!!! I don't know how to deal with this! There's already one woman he works with that I get nervous vibes about...in fact, I just met her a couple of hours ago while visiting him for lunch. He lied to me about something and I know this because I read an email from her on his phone. I know, I know...I probably should just stay out of his phone, but because of the previous affair I just can't help myself!!
What should I do?? When I've confronted him about my feelings, he gets very angry and defensive. In one situation a few weeks ago, we were in a fast food restaurant....I started crying because of a panic attack...and he blew up, started cursing at me asking "why are you crying", "I'm tired of you bringing this up", and even suggested us splitting up. When he saw me the next morning, he hugged me and almost started crying.
Since we moved here 2 years ago, his anger has gotten worse but I notice it's worse mainly at the end of the day. I've found hidden cash, something he's never done before and now the cash is gone. Did he move to another hiding place? Did he spend it on someone else? He doesn't use it for lunch or gifts for me, etc. Everything like that comes out of our checking account.
I know that some people will say to tell him he can't work alone with these women. His answer to that would be "it's my job"!! I've actually confronted his boss, who we've known for about 30 years. He told me he didn't know of anything inappropriate, but then he himself was cheated on by his fiancee so why should I trust him? I've thought about emailing another female colleague of his that I've spoken to and trust over the past several years. I can take him working around these women in an office environment, but this 6 hour trip to me isn't healthy for a marriage. He doesn't think anything of it, of course.
Thanks for your help. I'll definitely be waiting for answers:)