I learned from my husband that he corresponded with men about sex on CraigsList. To be expected, it led to a meeting. He confessed to meeting a man (one man) four times for sex. It ended a few months ago by his own choice. I think you can imagine where I may be in all of this.

I believe that he has been honest. He has given up his computer and smartphone. He says that he'll stay off the grid indefinitely. He's also expressed remorse and a willingness to undergo therapy for sex addiction.

He says that he didn't do it maliciously. Rather it was compulsive behavior. He knew it was wrong, but says he couldn't help himself.

We've been married 17 years. He says this is his only infidelity. The sucky thing about all of this is that we have a great life. We're best friends. We enjoy each other's company. In every other respect, it's been a good life.

We're still together, but in separate bedrooms. I'm so dumbstruck by everything. Stupid as it sounds, I still love him. I'm repulsed by what he did. But at this point, I'm taking it day-by-day. I told him that if I couldn't handle it anymore, I would bail.

I would love anyone's perspective and advice.

A couple of questions first and alittle, but VERY important advice...

Do you have children? Ages?

How did you discover this?

Have you been tested for STD's?

If not,, do so NOW!!!

No kids in the house. I discovered it because I was tipped off by a stranger who advised me to ask questions.

No, I haven't been tested, but will take your advice.

Hi eleri, welcome to Marriage Builders. I think you are just seeing the tip of the iceberg and don't know everything that has happened. This has probably been going on for years.

I would check into a polygraph. We can help you get the most out of one.


Actually he could help himself. I would not accept this explanation because it just makes him dangerous to you. IF he can't help himself, then what is to protect you in the future? Sure, people have addictions, but that doesn't mean they don't have a choice in their behavior.

Yes, you are right, MelodyLane about the tip of the iceberg. Over the last few days, more has come out with each passing day. What I do know for certain is that he has hit bottom. At this point,he's faced with losing me, the house, and ostracism by my family. He's very close to my family. He's well aware of what he has risked.

I am in the process of arranging for counseling, which he has agreed to. As I mentioned, he's not on the internet at all now, doesn't even have a cellphone.

We both read Dr. Harley's articles on pornography and sex addiction together. His behavior is a classic example of the latter that Dr. Harley discusses.

Eleri, did you read Dr Harley's article about sex addiction here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8120_sex_addiction.html

I am sorry to hear you are going to counseling instead of focusing on putting your marriage back together and treating his issue. Counseling usually serves as a major distraction that leads to divorce. That was certainly the case of Tiger Woods in the attached article.

That's what I meant--marriage counseling to fix us and treat him. I love our life as much as he does. If there's one thing I know about myself for certain, it's that I want my life back.

Please get the book Surviving an Affair and the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love and follow the program in there. That is less thatn $25. Marriage Builders is dramically different from traditional marriage counseling in that they have a 2 pronged plan to a) kill the affair <s> and create romantic love in the marriage. IT really does work. [you can get a book free if you email Dr Harley with a marriage question at the radio show] IT is a step by step plan. Many of us here have gone through it. Some of us went through the MB coaching program but if you and your H are disciplined we can walk you through the entire progrma with the help of the radio show.

Rarely do marriage counselors have any earthly idea how to save marriages. We see the fallout on this forum every week of bad advice given from ill informed marriage counselors. MC have an 84% failure rate and have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population. Most are little more than divorce facilitators since they don't have a plan to save marriages. While there are exceptions, as a RULE, marriage counseling is a disaster.

Here is the check list from Survivng an Affair.


From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.