Hi guys,

My wife and I have been married for 3 years now. Together for 4. 60% of it was in real life.

It started about 10 weeks ago, when I got a new job. This new job cost me a lot of time, and I forgot about my wife a bit. She mentioned several times that she missed me, but I didn't pay attention to her needs. After 5 weeks she told me she almost dated someone else, and the reason her telling me was so I could do soemthing about it. We got into a few fights, but no jealousy from my side, I also didnt ask who it was, but she later mentioned it was someone at work. Which I don't buy though. I actually think she was crying wolf, cuz it wasnt the first time.

We were supposed to be together permanently as per march 2017. And haven't seen her since July.

I gave her a little more attention but I felt that was getting colder the more I gave her. Two weeks ago I had this gut feeling something was not good, and I called her a few days later to ask if we were doing fine. She said yes, but things have damaged.

One week ago I was getting paranoid, cuz she changed her daily habits. I thought things were really [censored] up now. Two days ago I called her saying 'Do you want me to fly soon or not?' She said that it was 'up to me,' several times. Then I told her I will fly the next day. That night I noticed she couldnt sleep, she was popping up in FB all the time. I called her to see if she was okay. She said 'I dont want this marriage anymore,' and asked her 'Do you want to separate' and she said 'yes'. Then I asked her if she was 100% sure about it and she said 'yes.' I asked her if she cheated, has an affair or was in love with someone else. She said no. Later that conversation I asked her if she could give me a chance she said ' Ill try'

10 minutes later I asked her again if she was in love with someone else, she said yes. He gives me all you don't give me. I am not the clingy type, and can be quite hard on her. I emotionally damaged her I think, with not paying enough attention, not appreciating her enough, taking her for granted, and living to much of a selfish life. She said that she didnt want me to come. I eventually said that we are married and I want to fight for it. I asked a few times who the fling was, but she said it didnt matter. I gave up, cuz she won' t give the name anyway. I asked if she could pick me up from the airport, and she said yes, we can talk face to face then.

I flew (from Germany to Philippines), and she didn't pick me up, I waited two hours and eventually logged in on FB with someone's phone to read the message 'I am not going to pick you up,' which was yesterday. I went to her job but she left a few minutes earlier.

I called her and she picked up. I told her it was very lame to leave me for dead at the aiport, cuz she knew I couldnt read the message. She said she didnt want to see me today. I asked her where she was but she said it didn't matter. I said it does to me cuz I want to talk to her. She said she needed time to think, she would meet me tomorrow evening. Which is today. I told her my flight was going back at 4:30 so we had to meet in the morning. She didnt really want but okay. She then told me I could sleep in her house cuz she wasnt there. I refused and told her I would get a hotel instead. During our message I have always had girls hunting me, quite the intelligent and hot girls too.

Last night I sent her a message 'I decided to not take the flight back. So if you are not ready to talk we can talk some other time.'

I am pretty sure she is kinda jealous (maybe I'm wrong) because when I would sent her a message before my flight, she would ignore it, after my flight she ignored it too. Until today. Instead of reading the messages she's writing 'ok' now. And even asked me where I slept last night. She said we could talk later today.

Here I am...waiting...

What to do? What to except? How to play it?

When I was still in my country, I asked her if she didnt love me anymore she said 'of course I do.

I just noticed she went on a trip past few days ago, or maybe last night...without her wedding ring. She updated her FB picture, but she left our marriage status like it was and hasnt changed her name yet. Does this mean anything?

I know my mistakes..I didnt give her enough undivided attention, love, appreciation and a listening ear. Always coming up with solutions instead of listening. Except for the past 6 months when I started to listen more.

She updated her profile pic several times to a new one, showing a recent trip, but now changed it back to an old one. Is she testing me?

Who is this OM? Is he married?

Have you read the exposure thread? When will you be going home for good?

I don't know who the guy is, a good chance that he is married. Yes I have read about it.

Okay...she texted me to come to her place to talk. We spoke about 3 hours, and she only had a few hours sleep left before going off to work.

She told me:

1) she was tired about me controlling her emotions
2) I was fake
3) I was emotionally unavailable and
4) she doesnt know if things will work out
5) she will help me with whatever is needed for my stay here
6) she was comparing me to the other guy who she emotionally dated for 4 weeks. To see what I didnt give her.

I told her I wanted to fight for it and will show her from this day forward, and again she told me that she wasnt sure if things would work.

Later she started to cry a little telling me she lost the connection between us. I told yes 'yes I know.' I was very honest this night and explained her how I felt.

She also told me she didn' t want to live together yet. She will tell me when she's ready.

Later the night she took a shower and we had sex. I could feel things were way off for sure, but she enjoyed it she said.

My goal now is to reconnect with my wife and to take care of my emotions, to be emotional available. I was too afraid of telling her my true emotions. And to stop manipulating her.


Hope things will work out. How am I standing here?

You need to find out who this OM is and expose.

Do you have his phone number or email or social media?

Nothing. She doesnt reveal anything about him.

You need to put spyware on her devices.

Can you check online phone records to look for a number?

Can you hire a PI?

I could also ask if she still has contact with him, she'll be very honest about it. I'm sure.

I don't think you understand. You need to find out who this OM is so you can kill the affair.

How about a friend of OM who is already exposing them?

I think it's already exposed at her work.

How do you know this?

You need to make sure it has been exposed at work and use the templates in the exposure thread.

We have a BH that is currently on the board and has refused to expose at his WW's job where OM works with her. Her affair has been active the whole time, just becoming more entrenched. You have a short window to kill the affair and you need to act now. You need to find out OM's name.
Read this and then tell us your exposure list and plan.
Exposure 101

Would I piss her off if I do expose?

Yes, of course you will. You wouldn't expect her to thank you for it, would you?

But if you've read about exposure, including Dr Harley's articles on how affairs should end, and the section on exposure in the book Surviving an Affair, and the links in MelodyLane's signature, and the many threads here where exposure crippled the affair - and the current thread where the betrayed husband is back, lamenting the fact that he did not listen to us months ago and exposure at work, so the workplace affair is continuing to this day - you will already know that the need for exposure is undeniable.

There are no cases in which exposure can be skipped. None at all.

What if I can't get the name? Exposing still good? I'm reading exposing 101 now.

Please answer this.

You need to find out who OM is. How can you expose them at work if you don't know his name?

Did you put spyware on her devices?

A mutual friend is doing it, but doesnt know the guys name. Does it help anyway?

You need to get his name in order to expose. You will also need to expose to his family and friends.

No.

Mutual friend not or guy without name not?

Mutual friend not or guy without name not? [/quote]

Neither. First off your friend can't expose anything if he doesn't have a name to expose.

And secondly, the affair should be exposed by you. Your friend has no invested interest in your marriage and one of the goals of exposure is to elicit support for your marriage.

Do you have a phone # for the OM? IF so, try looking up his name here: http://www.okcaller.com/index.php

If you put spyware on her devices you probably will find out who OM is.

Did you check online phone records for a number for him.

Why would a mutual friend do this? Is it his business to talk to other people about your wife's affair? How did it come about that he ends up doing this, and not you?

And what exactly does he plan to do? How does he plan to tell people, and whom does he plan to tell? Does he intend to to write a letter to the HR department, copied to their line managers? Will he ask for a response in writing? What is his strategy?

I feel like I'm such a [censored] doing this stuff. Kinda weak to scream it off the roofs.

I have no access to her phone and no idea how phones in general work haha, I'm a pc guy. She also locks her phone by default, for years, like I have.

Her friend is willing to go all-in because they are both new born Christians, the assumed OM has two kids and a (pregnant) wife. I assume this is because my wife told me 3 weeks ago this: Today I had a fight with a guy in the elevator, he blamed me for telling a secret here at work, that he is having an affair with a co-working of mine. He has a pregnant wife and two kids.

I assume she was talking about herself, that she was the one he has an affair with and that he thought she spoke about it to other people. I am trying to figure out if its really this guy.

Are you back home?

Can you hire a PI?

I am in her country, and yes I can probably. Philippines is very cheap. How much time do I have? What's a PI?

A private investigator, someone who can gather the Intel you need to find out who the OM is.

How much time do you have? What does this mean?

How much time do I have before the affair is running too hot for her to return to me? As far as I know, and as far as she told me it's a recent affair of 4 weeks.

Everyday is too Long to let it continue and will become more entrenched as we speak. That is why it is so important that you find out who this OM is immediately and expose the proper way to kill the affair. That is the best chance you have of saving your marriage and have her return to you. You also must become the best Husband you can to her by meeting her emotional needs and not committing any love busters. Do not tell her of your plan to expose.

What is your plan to find out who this OM is? Can you check online phone records for a suspect number? Can you hire a PI?

is it okay for me to ask 'Are you still having contact with [name of the guy?]'

Any general guidelines on how to meet my wifes needs? Especially when she's cold?

* Undivided attention
* Showing her that she is importance
* Listening to her without trying to find solutions, when she's whining about something.
* What more? How much is too much? Giving space a good idea?

I might be able to find out who the guy is because we're going to her parents for a couple of days to celebrate her birthday, when going there we're stuck in the bus for 4 hours, on the way back too.

The thing is, we do not have internet there. That means I have to delay the affair killer and focus on her needs.

It is really going to be difficult to get his name. It is not an option for me to just go to her work and ask for the guy right?

Well I just called her work, which is big company and asked for a guys name she gave me 4 weeks ago, adding that he didnt have facebook. Sure...I don't buy it. Anyway, there's no guy with the name she gave me. So I am pretty damn sure it's a guy I have on my crosshair now. Not sure how to confirm it. I might just tell my wife "Are you still having contact with [guys name]?" Like I stated above.

And how would her answer be proof of an affair? If she says "yes, I'm still having contact", is that proof of an affair?

If you ask her outright whether she is having an affair with X, do you thinker one minute she will tell you?

It can't be that hard to find out who she's having an affair with. Come on. We've all done it. Get some proper evidence the ways we've been suggesting.

I cant get my hands on her phone, it's always locked. Pff getting evidence is really hard.

That doesn't mean you can go off half-cocked, making accusations that you can't substantiate. It just means you need to be more painstaking.

A PI has been suggested to you.

Yeah there is no way in heaven I can expose this without costing it WAY more than a few thousand. We spoke all night and she said she doesnt even see him often. It is also not a guy from work she said. And they know each other for more than 3 years.

Everyone knows it already, including her parents, and people at work. She told me last night 'I love him.' I told her, I can turn it around and I will fight for it.

But again, she didn't want to give me his name.

If you are interested in moving this forward, you need to get all the facts about the affair so you can expose. Everybody knows NOTHING if you don't even know his name. You can't expose nothing if you know nothing.

You are STUCK at this place until that happens. Once you get his name, and basic facts about the affair, let us know and we can help you go to next steps.

She doesn't want you to know who it is, so she is going to say things to misdirect you. You can't believe any details she feeds you about him.

Have you considered hiding a voice activated recorder in her car and a GPS tracker?

What are you doing to change your living situation?

The way you were 'married' before is not what a marriage should be. You cannot meet each others needs or protect from an affair living apart. Dr Harley advises married couples to never spend a night apart, especially when there has been an affair. So what are you doing to rectify this living situation?

You should plan to expose either way, as you are being advised. However, if you expose and then fly back to your country, while leaving her in her country, you won't be able to recover your marriage anyway.

I just exposed everything on facebook, everyone was able to read it. But no concrete name was given. Even so, she got super angry, after telling me a few days ago that we were done. She removed the FB status and her name, haha.

But sleeping together is not going to happen, because she won't ever be willing to sleep in my bed, let alone come to my hotel.

That is not exposure.

I figured, unfortunately this is all I can do for now.

No, actually it's not all you CAN do. It is all you are willing to do. The result of your lack of effort is going be the end of your marriage.

Is there a reason you are not making a real effort here, and are not following advice?

Do you see my question about your plans for living together?

Oh wow, I missed the fact that they don't even live together. I don't see that there is any way to save this mess.

I just followed her, and caught her RED HANDED with a guy from her work. I now know who he is. Going to copy paste the expose templates now.

She told me on Facebook that she will never forgive me for doing this. And that she doesnt want to be forgiven.

Whoops, her brother is not backing me up. He wants me to leave her alone hahaha.

oh wow!! Are you able to find the OM on Facebook? Is he married?

Good job!! See, you were able to pull it off!

Yes but listen...I'm in the Philippines man...I'm so paranoid now. Two nights ago someone got shotted 3 times in the head, just in front of my hotel.

And no, I do not want her back :P No way in hell I take this woman back :P

yikes!!

Have to say I agree with your decision not to continue in this marriage. It is a very young marriage and you have no kids together. It would take a herculean effort to save it and I doubt she would be willing to make those changes.

The next time you get married, I would make sure you never live apart from your wife. You should choose someone who respects marriage and has appropriate boundaries around men. It is clear she does not have good boundaries and that is what caused her affair. so sorry it turned out like this.

It's okay man, I learned a lot. Besides it was a huge adventure, especially the last part, photographing her in the taxi waiting for the red light to jump on green was awesome.

Now that you know who the OM is did you expose on his side? Who did you expose to on his side?

Yes everyone, exposing on work in 34 minutes (Human resources). Well her father threatened me, but want to help nonetheless.

I will continue the exposure, even I dont want her back, just to see if it works or not.

What family members did you expose to on OM's side?

Did you follow the exposure 101 templates on what to say?
How did you expose?

Exactly the way was presented in the Exposure 101.

To as much people as possible on Facebook mostly. Family and friends. Colleagues I haven' t done yet, I'll do that when I'm out of the country. The father is threatening me now actually, so I'll delay that one with a few days up to a week.

Hmmm. Just received a message from my wife "What do you want?" "I am open now to talk, what do you want from me?"

I thought it was so far broken that she hated me. Her father is making threats like crazy. I thought I was done.

Finish the work exposure now.

Yeah done it.

Who did you expose to at the workplace?

Her supervisor and people in the Department of Human Resources. Though the people inside the Department of Human Recourses told me they couldn't do anything about personal things. Even if it compromises productivity of the hotel.

She might get fired by her supervisor though, since she only had one chance left. Guests made several complaints about her bringing in her phone, which isn't allowed. And several other complaints in the past weeks.

And what about the OM? Who at the workplace did you expose to on OM's side? Have you talked with her since she sent you that note?

OM is colleague of hers. Yes we talked, she wants full divorce. I told her no, and if she wants to talk we can meet, not gonna talk to her on FB. I just realized this week that she is so childish.