Putting the peices back together - 11/27/16 05:46 AM
Hello, first time posting and my first time on any forum. Sooner or later I'll get all the shortcuts. As always it's a long story but I hope so one here can point me in the right direction. 2 years ago I had an affair with a co-worker. I ended up having to tell my wife about it because of a possible std passed on to her. That was 2 years ago. Needless to say I destroyed her. my affair ended, of the way it's listed here but I did manage to get a transfer to a different division 100 miles away from my former AP. At the time that satisfied my wife. Since then there have been many sleepless nights and she has told me several times that there is no way in hell that she would ever forgive me. For a while we had some online marriage counseling, she refuses to see a counselor in person since we would have to leave our kids with a baby sitter which she opposes. We quit the counseling after 2 months because she said it didn't help her. Since then we have had many sleepless nights discussing my affair and the reasons for it. I think one of the biggest problems she has is that she is convinced that the affair occurred because I found the OW to be more sexually attractive the she is. No matter how much I tell her this was not the case she says she doesn't believe me. We seem to go in huge circles every time we talk about it with absolutely no progress. The topic is almost off limits now just because I think at times we are both exhausted about it. In the beginning after I told her it was a horrible roller coaster of emotions, then for about a year she would just kind of attack me about the affair since everywhere she would go there would be some reminder of the horrible things I did to her. She has had to take some anti-depressants and lately they seem to be helping her a bit and we can now have a civil conversation w/o mention of the affair. I am desperate to start to heal our marriage and open my wife's heart again. I know that it would take a ton of effort but I will never give up as long as she does not send me divorce papers. We have a wonderful family together, with two great kids. I know my wife needs to not feel horrible pain anymore and so how I need to make her feel safe again but every time I ask her what I can do she replies that there is nothing I can do, there is nothing I have to offer her that she wants. And nothing I ever will do for her will make her feel secure again. She says she stopped thinking about the future and she lives day to day. How can I change her mind? How can we heal?