We have been married 13 yrs.. 5/31/16 I received my 2nd DUI while driving with the girl I was having an affair with.. 4 years ago we were trying counseling but I wasn't interested in trying.. i put myself in treatment and am a completely different person.. we have 2 sons 9 & 7.. We both work full time and have neglected each other over time.. How can I convince her that we can get through this with some hard work. And come out better then ever???

Welcome to MB.

Did your wife find out about the affair as a result of the DUI?

Has the affair ended? If so, how? Where does OW live? Does she work with you? Is it possible for you to see her again? When was the last time you had any sort of communication with her?

What treatment are you referring to - is this AA? Are you still in treatment? For how long have you been dry?

What does your wife say about your marriage since these events played out? Does she want to leave you?

What hard work have you been putting in to rebuild the marriage?

Yes she found out as a result of the DUI.. yes the affair stopped immediately!! How? I just stopped! It was purely a sexual thing for me... I suppose it would be possible to see her but I don't work with her.. I met her at an outpatient meeting I no longer go too.. yes Treatment for alcohol.. been sober for 6 months.. since my DUI. And that is the last time I talked to that girl.. since this has played out, yes she says She is done.. but when topics get brought up such as selling our house she starts balling.... I take it as maybe if it effects her this bad it's not the right choice.. as far as hard work I've been done by.. I've been doing what I say I'm going to do.. trying not to fight or argue with her... I'm not living there but come in contact when I do stuff with our 2 sons. She's been good about me bring at the house together... I feel if she would do some research on this she could see that it doesn't Have to be over.... I feel divorcing is the easy way out...

Was the OW married? Who all knows about your affair?

How old are your children?

Please tell us what has been done from this list.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Will your wife come here to post to us?

Hi Jer, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would strongly suggest you not say things like "divorce is the easy way out." Isn't it so easy to say things like that when it is not your ox getting gored? Living with an adulterer and an alcoholic is not easy. But you wouldn't know that, would you? You really aren't in a position to lecture anyone after the unmitigated hell you have put her through. She has every right to divorce you if she chooses, and you should respect that. Living with an alcoholic is no prize.

And why would she need to sell the house? I can understand why she would cry about that. No woman wants to lose her home. But in most divorces, that is not necessary. Is there a reason why she believes she has to sell her home?


this is somehow supposed to make her feel better about your adultery?

There are few things more unconvincing than an addict who brags out how they can overcome their addictions by pure force of will. So, if you want to convince your betrayed wife that there is any chance of recovery, don't act like that.

No she was not married.. Most everyone knows.. kids are 9 & 7.. both boys

If you were to list it numerical.. these have been done..
1,2,4,5,was doing 6 by she told me she didn't want me to.., 7 she takes care of finances so she sees everything, 8&10 are hard because she has no interest in being around me and I'm not living at the house currently 11 I asked her if she want d to put my phone whereabouts on her phone so she could see where I am at all times.. again she has no interest in that.. all that should know do know if this

Sorry for saying that.. your right.. I guess I meant it was instead of going through the whole process of divorce..

We would sell the house because neither of us could afford it solo.. I understand I have no right to lecture.. I did not mean for it to come off that way.. I am willing to go to any lengths to make this work.. and yes I know she has every right to leave me.. my biggest fear is that I am becoming a husband she could learn to love again and we may not get the chance

I am not overcoming my addictions by force.. I am working on it daily..

Her main concern has to be her best interest, though. She will have to decide what is best for her.

Are you married?

Yes we are married. 13 years w/2 boys 9 & 7

I do not have that book.. I did read his needs her needs.. WOW what a great read!! Would have been better if I read that 3 years ago when our counselor suggested it.. I do not think she would join this forum.. I can ask I guess..

Read this and listen to the clips in here and tell us what you think.
What is Just Compensation?

Did you ever write a NC letter?

You have nerve calling divorce an easy way out. She has been badly hurt at least twice through your alcoholism and adultery - divorce is a protection from further pain. Heres the thing - you'll have to reform yourself whether or not she chooses to reconcile. Otherwise, it's just more of the same addict lip service. I don't see any care here for how badly you've destroyed your own family.

You should read Surviving An Affair. It has the most relevant information for your situation.

How have you established no contact with the affair partner? Were did you meet her? Have you cchanged your phone number, email, work number and address?

How did your wife actually find out- from you or in court? What other problems did your crime cause, financially or socially?

I feel like you are withholding details. I also agree that it is cruel for you to say your wife is taking the easy way.

You took the easy path and broke your marriage vows; she has EVERY RIGHT TO DIVORCE YOU.

Jer533 (or whatever the hell you're fricken name is).

alis, I agree - someone like Jer533 is probably blaming his W for His problem , hence his easy out divorce.

And Jer:

> you are probably still a drunk, unless you can certify you are in AA, - white knuckling it is not effective
> a second DUI usually means jail time and loss of driving privileges and how you are addressing that with your W, and the reality she is gong to have to drive you around to work and elsehewre
> was the girl you were with when arrested for DUI underage? And, is so, are you facing additional charges? You don't mention if she is adult/married.

Lots to 'splaine guy to get the trust of people here.

Tom

You saying you don't see any care here is no better then me saying what I said then... I know what kind of pain I have caused.. if I didn't care I'd give in, to alcohol and divorce.. but I'm not!

I'm not with holding anything.. why would I?? I'm seeking advice on how to save my marriage.. I have not contacted the "lover".. I didn't change my number due to with reasons.. I met her at outpatient for alcohol.. if I was still in contact with her I also would not be in this forum seeking advice.. I know my wife has every right to leave me people.. but I want help in trying to show her I know how badly I've messed up and only want to cherish her the rest of my days...

Did you read this and listen to the clips?

I will listen to them today after church.. just click on the link you have there?

Jer, you're a liar, right? In her eyes (and everyone else), you've lied about trying to get sober (DUI in rehab) and you've lied in your affair. Like many addicts (assuming you are 100% truthful about this desire to recover), you can't be trusted. So, now you're in a situation where you can't give her your word. Your word is meaningless. IF you have any chance here, you're going to have to demonstrate actions that will rebuild trust over time (years). Forever, because she must be forever guarded. Please listen to the clips. You're looking at doing all the steps (including changing numbers, no contacts, no privacy, not a drop of alcohol forever), are you willing to do this? Be honest with yourself because she doesn't deserve more pain. Dr. Harley's method can work for your marriage but you need to be 100% in.

When I objectively read your post, it makes me wary because it seems like you think your word matters and that you're in pain. The one in pain was tucking in your babies hoping for sobriety while you were out with skank. That's a betrayal you may not be able to overcome.

**EDIT**

**EDIT**

moderator's note: if you have an issue with posters, notify the moderators and let us handle it. Don't come on this forum and lecture posters.

Jer -- You have an uphill battle to fight. You have destroyed your wife's trust in you and that isn't easy to rebuild. Strict honesty is the place to start. Beyond that, your wife's observations of your consistent and long-term behavioral changes may lead her to be patient with you, assuming she still loves you. Your best bet is to follow the program. If you've hurt her beyond repair and she leaves you then please do continue to turn your life around. Even those who have made major mistakes can find happiness if they continue to practice the Path.

Thanks for the heads up (new to this website). ***EDIT***

Yes. Did you listen to them? What do you think?

I understand. I "was" a liar and a cheat yes... I am in 100%! I have been demonstrating actions. I'm aware my words carry no weight with her.. but I am committed to trying as long as it takes to make this work. Pending she will have it.. if not I know she has every right to leave me.. People I am a different person then I was 6months ago.. I hit my knees every night and in my prayers are prayers for her happiness.. with or without me.. She deserves happiness!!! I feel with some work together we can achieve that... Not that I'm not coming back to this forum, but I wanted to thank everyone for their input! I truly take each and every bit of it to heart.. thank you!

I did not yet sorry. We got dumped on with snow so I went out to our house and plowed everything out for her..

Three days and no time to listen to the radio fragments, that must be an awfull lot of snow.

no excuse I know. Im trying to get everything completed everyday I need to.. by the end of the day I'm exhausted.. I will listen to them.

One of the things that is so frustrated for a BW is how the wayward husband had endless time and energy for the affair but not fixing the marriage. It seems like you're only willing tofix the marriage if it is easy. Not impressive.

Understood apples! I just tried to listen to the radio clips.. opened up into an error screen.. I read the articles that were posted. I had read all of them when I discovered this website.. I'm not just willing to fix my marriage if it's "easy".. Have you read my previous posts? I'm willing to do any and everything to show my wife my undying love for her.. easy or hard! I'm here aren't I? Reaching out.. Easy would be seeking out other women... That I am not doing.. Thank our for everyone's input!

You will need to devote 20-25hours per week tofun dates with your wife and to working the program to save this marriage. If you arent willing to do that, you should let your wife know now so she can protect herself from you.

I noticed you never answered my questions about what hardships the DUIs and affair have caused your wife. You should go back an answer that.

You need to get serious.

Sorry for missing that..
financial hardships
Trusting me and believing where I said I was.
Staying up worrying about me
Worrying if I would get done what I said I would..
made her insecurities worse!!
I'm not sure she is willing or will be accepting to the 20-25 hrs a week of spending time together.. I certainly am!! Do I just flat out ask her? She has said she wants a divorce apples..... but has not acted on anything..

You say you want to fix it. What have you done?
Changed all contact info - phone numbers, email, etc. how did you meet the OW, what complaints (other than the affair) does your wife have? Does the OW live inthe same town? - if so, you need to move. Do you spend nights away from your wife? Have you asked her on fun dates- no relationship talk allowed, only fun?

You are not being transparent so we cant gauge what help you need.

What financial hardships?

Are you accounting for all your time, do you still go out without her, spend any nights apart?

Have you read the Basic Concepts and Coping wih Infidelity series?

Lawyers costs, treatment costs.. all of which I told her I would take responsibility for.. she has full access to my phone records. OW lives in different town. Met her in an outpatient program which I have been done with..

Yes I'm accounting for all my time.. I let her know where I'm going what I am doing, who I am with

I will ask her if she'd like to go do something fun.. no relationship talk.. just fun

Yes I've read those series.. it wouldn't hurt to do it again. But yes I've read them

How far away does the OW live,? You met her in alcohol treatment?

( all of your posts are light on details and skip half the questions asked. No one expects a novel, but this is frustrating to drag every little bit of info out of you. )

"Do you have any female friends?

10-15 miles away.. female friends, not really... just mutual friends of my wife's.. yes met the OW in an alcohol treatment class... sorry if I don't answer everything right away

Is your wife willing to come and post here? We could provide a lot of help and support to her.

This is why apples referred to you wanting the easy fix, which you adamantly denied.

We got dumped on with snow too over the last weekend. I still managed a long date with my husband and checking into some threads on here for support.

If you are serious about saving your marriage, there are no excuses for not doing everything that is suggested to you.

I see you blocked all communication with OW, but you should change all your contact information to show you are serious.

Did you try on a computer or from your phone?

I asked her on Monday night if that when the holidays are over and I line someone up to watch the boys if she'd like to go out and catch a comedy show or go do something fun we both have never done? She's like "together"??? I said yes, together.. just fun, no relationship talk.. she didn't say no.. but she didn't say yes..

I will send her a link.. no guarantees she'll come though..

Understood

I tried on my phone.. I will try on computer this wknd when I'm at our house

That link was posted 8 days ago. "Just compensation" is a way to show your wife that you are serious and not just BSing. Asking her to go out and have fun when you aren't showing any effort to provide just compensation is just proving to her that you are NOT serious. Can you try Dr. Harley's method? I'll bet she's either terrified or angry at your suggestion to go out and have fun, you have can't "nice" your way out of this. You're also showing us that you are not serious about change. 8 days, sir, 8 days

I am sober.. I recently received my 6 month medallion.. I do not blame with wife for what I did.. the girl I was with was not underage.. I'm an addict not a sicko.. I did loose my license for a period of time. I stayed with my mom so she could drive me to work..

I'm spending the wknd at our house due to the weather, our dog having surgery and she needed at break.. she made it clear to me that she didn't want me getting mixed signals cause she's letting me spend the wknd here.. I told her to not worry that I am just grateful to be able to be here...

Is this your email?
Radio Clip

You want my email address?

I listened to the radio clip. They have a great, pretty obvious point.. if both parties are not willing to participate, it's kind of doomed.. I feel I'm doomed and need to start preparing myself for The inevitable... I have to ok with it.. it's my doing that caused this..

Haha, no I was asking if the emailer in the radio Clip was your question because it sounded similar to yours.

Have you emailed Dr. Harley?

Oh sorry.. was very similar yes..

I have not.. I will today.. Not quite sure what to ask at this point.. like I said, I'm feeling as if all hope is lost.. and the pain of this really becoming a reality is setting in... I know where my heart lies. But I'm not sure if I can bounce back from this if it happens... I'll email Dr. Harley and see what he thinks...