This is my first time posting. My wife had a six-month emotional affair with a client, our marriage was not great before I found out. I never would've thought in my entire life that two people could fall so deeply in love that were both married simply by talking on a cell phone, but it happened and it happened bad. It has been over now for three months and the no contact rule is firmly in place and all passwords to email and cell phone records are easily available. We are doing the online accountability program and she absolutely hates it. We've been stuck on the conversion lesson for 3 weeks and looks like we're heading for #4. We are getting most of our undivided attention time in each week, we both have the time to do it and our schedules both allow but she simply doesn't want to. It's very hard to spend 15 hours with someone trying to converse when they simply don't want to. As you all know it's very hard to work this program when only one spouse is on board, and I realize I cannot change the way she thinks. How do you convince a person to change their priorities without trying to change the person? How can I feel comfortable talking to someone who really doesn't want to talk to me? I'm sure my story is no different than anyone else that's been on the site, we have a lot to lose. Three beautiful daughtersages 19, 15, and six. We will be married 20 years on March 1. I've known about the affair for seven months and Ive thought the whole time that if we can just make that 20 year date that we might just make it but one thing I've learned through this mess is that nothing is given when something like this happens to a marriage. I'm still getting a lot of the common wayward type of comments and responses from her so i'm hopeful that we still just need to give it some more time for her to come out of the fog. Please anybody feel free to jump in and tell me what I need to be doing or ask me anything that I've left out

Did she change her contact information or are you just monitoring her ways of contact?
Are you dure that there has not been any contact whatsoever including her looking at his facebook?

Welcome to the main forum, Ricky.

I notice that Dr Harley told you to concentrate on making UA time enjoyable for both of you. I would endorse this. I found that, when resentment from me (the BS, in a affair with multiple D Days - much to resent) was so high that it made being pleasant impossible, the way out of this was to have enjoyable dates. We would not try to force conversation, but if we spent time doing interesting things, we found that talking while we did them, or afterwards, gave us the grounds for effortless conversation.

The thing we liked doing back then (over 5 years ago, when my husband's knees were better than they are today), were going for 5-mile walks across the English countryside, where we came across Roman ruins and Anglo-Saxon places of worship, abandoned railway lines, stately homes, and cows - all accessible from a 20-minute drive from home. We also belong to a cinema cub, and while watching old movies does not allow for conversation, going to the pub afterwards gave us topics for conversation. We went to any number of free art galleries and public talks. We went to street markets and antiques fairs, and browsed bookshops. We talked about our reactions to what we had done, and did not try to have intimate conversation when it was too difficult and painful to do so.

Would you mind telling us what you do on dates? How many times per week do you get out of the house, and for how long each time?

First d-day was July 9th 2016
2nd day was Oct 13 2016, this was also burner phone discovery day!!
During this 3 month period I got a very good taste of what infedelity is all about, so many things that I've read here are exactly on target for what my family went through: the things she said, her actions, her reactions, all the same lies and secrets, mood swings, terrible temper tantrums,who she confided in, who she alienated and the list could go on for paragraphs. After saying all of that jibberish, I feel that she has changed enough from that point to support the idea of no contact, she is a totally different person today than she was 3 months ago, still not the wife I once once but most of the behavior has changed for the better, as far as Facebook, we blocked him on that 2nd d-day and he is still blocked today. Her cell phone is a different story, she is a real estate agent and has signs all over town, so changing her cell number would be pointless. As of 2 weeks ago she was still Facebook friends with his wife but it is now blocked also. The OM , who I commonly refer to as yellow belly or YB in MB lingo, and his wife and young son bought their first new home last May and it was off to the races from there. I do also keep a constant monitor of the cell phone usage

Hi, RickyH,

I have been in the same boat, and now I'm in a happy marriage where my wife loves to talk to me and spend time with me.

I encourage you to focus on what Dr. Harley said: making UA time enjoyable for both of you. When you are having a good time, the conversation you make will be much more enjoyable for your wife. When she is having a good time, she will feel much more like participating in conversation.

Some other tips:
Make conversation with your wife during the day. Use phone calls, email, text messenger, phone texts, or whatever is convenient. Invite her to tell you how she is doing and how she is feeling.

Read the friends and enemies of good conversation daily. In fact, read the entire conversation chapter of His Needs Her Needs, daily.

Practice those friends of good conversation like crazy. You can do this even if she isn't interested in participating. Use conversation to investigate and understand your wife - ask her questions about how she is feeling, and listen and seek to understand. Develop interest in her favorite topics of conversation.

Along those lines, look for new topics that might interest both of you. When my wife and I were rebuilding our relationship, the current news was the royal wedding of Will and Kate in England. I have no idea why we found this interesting, but we both found it interesting and fun to talk to each other about it and send each other articles to discuss.

Make absolutely, ruthlessly, totally sure that you never engage in any of the enemies of good conversation. Get some feedback from your coach, and/or from Dr. Harley, and/or from us, looking really hard for anything you might be saying that is disrespectful to her, or demanding, or angry.

Make sure that you never talk about the program as being something that is being done because of her affair. These are the things any couple would have to do to have a good marriage.

Bolster your efforts at conversation by trying to make love bank deposits any where else you can. Be affectionate. Leave her notes. Buy her flowers. Express admiration to her. Help her out in concrete ways that she is likely to appreciate.

As your balance in your wife's love bank rises, she will eventually respond to you. You won't need to change her mind about anything, and you can't change her mind about anything, so just keep focusing on learning to make bigger and bigger love bank deposits, because this is what will change her feelings toward you.

1 month after d-day #2 we went alone to Southern California, we walked 90 minutes each morning and we're together for 5 days straight with no breaks at all, not one Harsh word or talk about our marriage, it couldn't have gone any better! Home is farm in the midwest, our kids are in school and we have complete control during the day, schedule permitting to get our time logged. We've been out to eat several times, to the movies, a few trips to bigger outlying cities, I try to go to work with her and keep her on task some, but most of our time has been at home trying to muddle through this, not what would be considered enjoyable. I've got to create a plan to get her having fun in this marriage or I'm going to fail!!

One thing that forgot to mention, I'm not a great communicator, and she is probably the best.. Big hurdle

Oh dear dear dear.... this really won't do. You can't do UA time at home. That is simply called "staying at home" - i.e. doing that you've already been doing to get your marriage into the state it's in.

You need to get out of the home (without the kids) four or five times a week; meet her for lunch, or go to the gym together, or take dance lessons, or walk, cycle or run. Explore every possible activity within a half-hour's drive from your home; markets, exhibitions, show homes, shopping centres, leisure centres.

Sit down on Sunday evenings and book your week ahead. Dates must be scheduled first, and you must meet the 15 hours (out of the home) that Dr Harley has tasked you with. Other things, like seeing family, and kids activities, can be scheduled only when and if you can book times for all your dates.

You near to re-create that on a near-daily basis, at home. Yes, you need to work for several hours a day, but you can find time to do what you did then, only back in your own town (not in the house).

You can learn to be. That is what markos is telling you to do. This is something you need to practice several times a day.

You guys are good, when we're spending time at home it is alone, but we will change that part to getting out and doing something different. Our talks at home that have been on the schedule have been good for me but probably just so so or less for miss communicator.

Did you ever expose this affair?

I am wondering because you said that she was FB friends with the OM's BW until recently. This makes me think his wife is still in the dark...

As far as I know, she is still in the dark, but no one on our side is!! All family members know, the church, our pastor, and all close friends know.

You should also expose on his end, specifically to his BW. What a slap in the face to her that your wife still has her as a FB 'friend'

Exposing to his BW will give him accountability and make it less likely for him to try to contact your wife. And, it is the right thing to do.

How right you are, thank you!! Do you think that 3 months after the fact may hinder our so called progress? I do realize that It is only the right thing to do, I've put myself in her shoes many times!

Your wife may be upset, but the OMW's right and need to know supersedes her feelings. Keeping the affair a secret harms everyone, especially you and your wife. The goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid your wife's anger at all cost.

It will hinder your progress in the long run if the OM's wife doesn't know because it leaves that door open for your wife to pursue her husband.

I would quietly pick up the phone and inform his wife, without forewarning your wife. See how long it takes her to find out.

Exposure never works well when it is half done. Also
the OMW deserves the truth so get his side of the
exposure done today.

Is there such a thing as one step forward and two steps back, when things are already about as far back as they could possibly be? She really won't give an inch and after 3 plus months that is very discouraging. She still sleeps in our bed and things are fairly peaceful as long as I keep my distance and do no pushing at all. When I'm able to only use friends in our conversation we do ok, but nothing is given in return, it's very much like she knows exactly what it's going to take to sabotage progress.. Would Someone give me a good definition of wayward means?

As long as you don't do a proper exposure, you will not get forward.

How is it going with UA time out of the house as suggested?

Also, have you read through the love busters and are you committing any of those? I know for my husband, we were going on dates and spending a lot of UA time, but for a long time he was continuing to lovebust even on dates and that made them unenjoyable to me. These were things he had done for years and didn't really even realize they were LB's. Does she have any complaints about you that you are overlooking?

I am concerned that there is continued contact. You said up until a couple weeks ago she still had OM's BW on FB. This is CONTACT and will keep her in the fog. No contact means not even googling him on the Internet. I am also concerned that her job creates an atmosphere where she cannot change her phone# and she still has access to him, and he hasn't even been exposed to his wife. What is to prevent him from contacting her? Until all avenues of contact are closed, whether they are deceitful on her part (like she is still having an affair and has a burner phone), or they are looking at his FB page or accidently running into him, this will all keep her in the fog.

Her only real complaint is that the MB program is to much of a commitment right now. On the other hand,I am very committed to the program and do try to follow it very closely, I think that the fact that I'm am so in and she isn't, probably is making me much to pushy, which she is taking as very disrespectful. Since my first post I have quit pushing it on her and I've started letting her move at her own pace. We're still spending time together but with no relationship talk. My approach now is to slow down some and do nothing to upset her. As far as the exposure to the OM's wife, I know how important that step is, so I'm working out a plan to get it done.

Ok, we finally made a small step.. After 2 weeks of absolutely no LB's and no talk about the marriage, she opened up to me. 7 months since any genuine affectionate talk or touch and a finally flicker of hope. Your advice is all much appreciated.
New problem, now I don't know how to act, or respond, I've poured so much effort into getting her on board that I'm in a slight state of shock. How can I be sure it's genuine? It's very very hard now to be myself, for the fear of another false recovery. as far as I know, up until the affair, my wife had been the most honest person that I know. Now I wouldn't trust her any farther than I could throw her, so I'm very skeptical on how to handle this.
We have a ton of issues that must be addressed sooner than later, the most important being a SSL, should I continue just being the best I can be and then address these issues after I'm sure she's on board, or dive into them now? She's starting to come around on this but my constant over the shoulder act has driven her crazy

It's been awhile, but here I go. Exposure has been done, no one was skipped. it was very successful, a definite tsunami effect but 6 months late. We have been separated for almost two months now but remain in constant contact and see each other almost everyday. I was strongly against the separation but she made it happen and it's turned out to be a disaster, because the affair bloomed once again, #5 for me. Our family is completely exhausted. What now? It's been a week since exposure and just at a loss for my next step. Do I try to get her home? Do I continue trying to work it out using mb principles? Do I let exposure sink in for awhile and see what happens? How about plan b? Anything? Thanks

Why did you leave your home?

Ricky, this is not clear at all. Why did you separate? WHEN did you separate? to whom did you expose? when did you find out the affair had resumed? Does the OMW know?

I'm sorry I was not more clear, I did not leave the home, she did. And yes the other man's wife knows she moved out on April 1, 2017 I found out the affair was still going on last Friday. The other man's wife called me, I have known about it for almost a year, she had just found out. I basically teamed up with the other man's wife and we did the full exposure together, The other man's wife took care of letting my wife's work know and I took care of letting her husband's work know.She let all of her husbands family know and friends, also on my side our whole family was already clued in.

Did you tell her you have known for a long time?

And why did you separate? What brought this about?

In addition to MelodyLane's questions did you expose to your children?

We separated after our 4th dday, she basically left, said to figure things out, all complete lies, everything she said was and still is either a lie or partial truth. Yes all three daughters know and have known since the beginning. I also told the OM's wife that I'd known for almost a year. She wasn't happy but understood.

You are fortunate she didn't slap you for doing that to her. I would not have understood if you did that to me. Glad she finally found out.

My suggestion would be to get ready for Plan B sometime in the near future. You have been dealing with this for a very long time and it is bound to start having some ill effects on your mental and physical health.

You might have mentioned this but have you filed for divorce so you are legally protected? Filing does not mean you have to get divorced but you definitely need legal protection so she doesn't inflict long term damage on your finances. you can file and then drag it out to see if her affair ends.

I really need a solid plan this time, the affair started in April 2016, I found out on July 8th, and have lived this every since, my wife has threatened divorce 100 times since then but has not even sought legal advice. The hardest part of dealing with this is the constant reassurance that it has ended, but it never has. My wife is very popular in our county, we farm and she sells real estate and has for many years. She is active in our church, she's on numerous boards in the county. This hit her very very hard and it's just beginning. I'm afraid if this exposure doesn't do the trick I may have do get drastic

MelodyLane, I respect your advice, but why file for divorce now, other than the obvious? It's only been 6 days since exposure should I not see if this kills it, or is the simple fact that it's gone on this long enough to say enough is enough?

Has there been any fallout to either of them for the workplace exposure?

His wife threatened calling the Kansas board of ethics and real estate commission

Was there any consequences that they had to endure from the workplace exposures?

No consequences as of yet other than reputations

The reason you should file for divorce now is a) so you have legal protection and b) you have an advantage while she is fogged out. She is in a very reckless, selfish state of mind and can cause enormous damage to you unless take steps to protect yourself legally. It is bad enough she is having an affair, you don't want to also have to deal with legal ramifications that could harm you for years to come.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by filing for divorce.

I will also tell you that exposure is very unlikely to make a difference at this point. You waited so long that it will have very little effect, if any, at all. The longer you wait, the less impact it has. The affair - and her wayward mindset - has been allowed to become very entrenched over this time. So, if she dumps the OM, it is unlikely she will come back to you.

You're in the online programme, aren't you? Have you told your coach and Dr Harley about the latest developments? What do they say?

What is the purpose of 'threatening' anything at this point? I would recommend you do this if the OM's BW does not. If I remember this was a client which means she was working for this couple as a realtor, and proceeded to have an affair with the husband. This IS highly unethical and should be reported.

Obviously if you do repair your marriage (unlikely due to the fact that the affair was enabled for also long), she would need to quit this job anyway as she cannot be trusted to have male clients. Reporting it now will be your best chance at bringing the full ramifications of the affair down on her and there is a small chance that could bust it up.

Feel free to recommend this site to the OM's BW. We will tell her to report this to the ethics board yesterday.

I am very happy to hear she had the kahunas to expose this to everyone else as soon as she found out. Good for her.

Makes me cringe and feel sick to hear that a BS cruelly kept the affair a secret for their WS at the pain and suffering of another BS. Ugs. I would not have understood either.

I sure hope you apologized profusely.

"I knew that your house was on fire, but it was three in the morning and I thought you might get upset with me if I woke you up."

Ok, I get your point, I did apologize profusely, this was not her first time dealing with infedelity, and I will take your advice and use it when you give it, if your still willing... She wasn't upset with me and was interested in the mb website, so I sent her the link, I hope she looks at it seriously. So, now what? We didn't go to plan b, I think we might have a chance of busting this up this time, we have both families involved and the whole town and church watching. The OM's wife is on board with me and has been checking in with via text to give encouragement and see how things are going. Is keeping in contact with her strange or is it an appropriate way of snooping? A no contact text was sent by the OM, my wife is still moved out, but I'm finally seeing some signs of wanting to come home, so how do I proceed?

What signs have you seen?

Has she directly said that she wants to go home?

No she hasn't said it that way yet, but, when I told her that she couldn't come home, she said "why not?" She has also finally started to see that real damage that this has done to our girls, and commented that they really needed their mom back home, these are things that she hasn't even mentioned until now. Do I try to get her back in our home to fight this, or keep her out? Putting my needs and feelings aside, do I make sure it's for the absolute right reason or take her back simply to get started on recovery?

Did you ever talk to your coach about this?