Long story short.......I destroyed my marriage and family and I'm not sure how to help my husband.

I had multiple emotional and physical affairs, starting when we had only been married a short time, and we've had multiple false recoveries.
I keep trying to be a good wife but have failed time and time again. My husband keeps taking me back and this last time it was after almost 4 years; I broke off my affair and moved home determined to make it work. I was completely transparent left my phone unlocked, let my husband know my every move..... We read the books, listened to Dr Harley videos, did a marriage course based on MB but after a year I contacted my AP again and have resumed an EA with him.
My husband has asked me to end the affair or move out (which he should) but I can't bring myself to do either. Everyone keeps telling him he is crazy but he says he believes in marriage.

He is familiar with plan A and Plan B and I am wondering if I should encourage him to force me out and start Plan B?
Maybe if I am totally cut off I will wake up and stop this nonsense. Up til now I've had full access to my home and all the comfort it offers. Stupid and totally not fair to him!

.....BTW Every single thing that MB says about wayward spouses is true...I know from experience.

So are you going to move out? That's the least you can do for your BH.

Will your BH come here and post?

I have moved out 3 times in the past 7 years (his request twice) but always end up moving back. I miss having a home and being part of a family.

This time he says that if I move, I'm not coming back. ......ever.

I have mentioned the forum a few times but will tell him I have posted and maybe he will join. He really needs the support right now.

This is ridiculous. You're saying you have no self control and need him to get tough for you to change? It's HIS responsibility to put a stop to your cat-in-heat behavior?
Do you see what a burden you've placed on this man? Grow up and figure out how to control yourself.
Do him a kindness and remove yourself from his life.

You miss having a home and being part of a family? You need to EARN that and there's nothing here showing even one tiny degree of you being willing or able to do that.
Stop being selfish and let your betrayed husband move forward and find happiness without your unending drama dragging him and the kids down.

It's pretty rare to see this level of cruelty so openly on display. You have known for a very long time how much your affairs hurt him but you continue to do it. It is obvious you have never tried to stop having affairs.

Then you come here and act like you care. Do you know why you are so cruel?


What are you waiting for? Leaving and getting divorced would be in his best interest and yours. Just go.

thank you both for your candor......

I am being open about this because I am done hiding and lying. I lied for years and the only thing it did was hurt my husband because he couldn't figure out what was wrong.


I did stop for 23 years while I was raising my kids but I was not honest about it so my husband didn't know what he was dealing with.
I am not making excuses.....I know what I am.

I am sick for what I have done. I know I destroyed a good family with my selfishness but I truly care about my husband and my sons.

I can't undo any of it but am hoping to get direction as to how to let go when my husband doesn't want me to. He still thinks we can save our marriage and until this past month, I thought maybe there was a chance.


And no, I don't know why I am so cruel. I look in the mirror and hate what I see.

I would contact Dr. H directly if I were you. Mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

DrH will help you understand why your selfish side keeps flip flopping in what it wants. He will also zero in on the holes in EPs.

You are never to be trusted by yourself or your husband again. Please contact Dr H to understand what that looks like. Tell him what you wrote about yourself that you deleted. That is a great thing to write to him.

Will you do that?

I know I have to earn it and the past 7 years I have not done anything to deserve it.

I don't know how to move on. The last time I left, I knew I could come back. This time it is permanent. How do I tell my kids? Not that it matters but I am physically sick over this.
Being honest is much tougher than lying about everything.

It looks like you reposted...

Yes I can do that but I am not sure what I deleted, I was trying to figure out how to use quotes.

I did stop for 23 years while I was raising my kids but I was not honest about it so my husband didn't know what he was dealing with.
I am not making excuses.....I know what I am.[/quote]

So you know you can stop.........but WON'T.


But you care more about your selfish interests, at their expense. Care is demonstrated by actions, not empty talk.


You knew there was no chance because you had no intention of changing.

Thank you for your honesty Melodylane, I agree with you....what would you suggest I do?

Why not send your husband here?

I have mentioned him coming here a few times.
He is away for the weekend but I will ask him again when he gets back.

Does he travel a lot?

What are the avenues that you use to have affairs? How do you meet these OMen? Do they know you are married?

Yes, he spends alot of time away. This is weekend 5 in a row. Often he takes our sons but they don't like to spend every weekend in the mountains.
I used to meet men at the gym but quit going a few years ago. In the past 7 years there has been the same man on and off.
.....And yes they knew I was married. They didn't care.
I am trying to keep this about me and my choices but for a bit more background. My husband has always said I didn't respect him and rejected him which is why he said mean things. I tried telling him that I needed more from our marriage but he didn't seem to think it was important. After I confessed my last affair he was shattered (rightly so) and kept telling me he needed time to process it. After another 6 months of him not wanting to make any plans for the future doing his own thing without me, I got tired of being in limbo so I caved and texted my AP

I know i was wrong.

There is really nothing we can say or do to help you. You have already familiarized yourself with the Marriage Builders policies, yet continue to act in a selfish and non MB manner. You admittedly are a serial cheater who has taken advantage of your BH's enabling for years. The most problematic issue is that you seem to want to pretend to be a passenger in your own life, one who has no control over your own desires and behavior. How on earth can we help somebody like that?

MB, as you know, is a program of action. Most of us here have had to take action in ways that were uncomfortable and difficult. Yet we did it because, you know, we are human beings who have choice, the choice to choose to do something or not do something. I assume that, unless you have a gun to your head or some kind of mental impairment that is not obvious in your writing style, you too can choose to live differently. Despite all that you have chosen for years not to.

With that all in mind, if you are still looking for advice:

1) Move out. You can. You are choosing not to because you are selfish.
2) Divorce and Plan B your husband. You can. You are choosing not to because you are selfish. He is an enabler who seems to be willing to accept crumbs, and if you have any decency you will make the decision that he cannot on his behalf.

Thank you unwritten. ....I am not sure what I was hoping to accomplish by posting here but in reading (objectivly) what I have written and the input from you all it makes it quite clear what I need to do. Grow up, grow a backbone and leave my poor husband alone.

Thank you all for the work you do here.......

Growing a backbone - yes.
But also, setting yourself up for succes by making sure you have precautions in place so you cannot fail. E.G. by deleting OMs contact infos, not having access to a smartphone, etc.

I changed my way to work to avoid going by the shop where I would succumb to the attempt to buy chocolate.
In your new life, wether it is with your husband or not, you will have to control yourself.

I like this poem because it importantly states, that there is no freedom without discipline:

Stations on the Road to Freedom
by Dietrich Bonhoeffer(1906-1945)

Bonhoeffer wrote this prose poem a few months before his execution by the Nazi regime in 1945, translated by Frank Clarke.

Discipline
If you set out to seek freedom, then learn above all things to govern your soul and your senses,
for fear that your passions and longings may lead you away from the path you should follow.
Chaste be your mind and your body, and both in subjection, obediently, steadfastly seeking the aim set before them;
only through discipline may a man learn to be free.

Action
Daring to do what is right, not what fancy may tell you,
valiantly grasping occasions, not cravenly doubting �
freedom comes only through deeds, not through thoughts taking wing.
Faint not nor fear, but go out to the storm and the action,
trusting in God whose commandment you faithfully follow;
freedom, exultant, will welcome your spirit with joy.

Suffering
A change has come indeed.
Your hands, so strong and active, are bound; in helplessness now you see your action is ended;
you sigh in relief, your cause committing to stronger hands; so now you may rest contented.
Only for one blissful moment could you draw near to touch freedom;
then, that it might be perfected in glory, you gave it to God.

Death
Come now, thou greatest of feasts on the journey to freedom eternal;
death, cast aside all the burdensome chains, and demolish the walls of our temporal body, the walls of our souls that are blinded,
so that at last we may see that which here remains hidden.
Freedom, how long we have sought thee in discipline, action, and suffering;
dying, we now may behold thee revealed in the Lord.

[source: Dietrich Bonhoeffer: Letters & Papers from Prison, (c) 1953, SCM Press, LTD]
Dieterich Bonhoeffer was born into a family of seven children in Breslau, Germany. He grew up in Berlin, where his father worked as a prominent professor of psychiatry and neurology; his mother was one of the few women of her generation to obtain a university degree. At the age of 14 he decided he would become a Lutheran pastor and theologian. He was the first of the German theologians to speak out clearly against the persecution of the Jews. He was 39 years old when he was taken out of his prison and hanged as a Nazi traitor in 1945. As he left his cell he said to his companion, "This is the end � but for me, the beginning of life.".

I hope you find the freedom in discipline and action, for if you don't, you may experience suffering without meaning.

That is excellent! Thank you Happyheart. I am going to print that out and read it through a few more times.

Hello again.

I am not sure what to do........my husband is not interested in coming on the forum.

He is not interested in me meeting any of his needs and doesn't want to meet any of mine. ......he actually said this out loud

He doesn't want me to move out but won't do anything to keep me home. I am supposed to just sit here while he lives his life.

I am so stressed that I am nauseous!

I really need to have a plan for life and I just keep being told that he tried making a life plan 15 years ago but that I wasn't interested. (I was in the middle of raising children and didn't have time to think)
He says that he waited many years for me and now I need to give him time.

Do I just sit and wait?

Are you sure he is not having his own affair now?

100% sure. I know everyone says that to start with but there is no chance. He is extremely moral and has no opportunity.

They all say that, too.

His love bank is empty. Time for just compensation. Read here how to recover.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

I agree that his lovebank is empty; has been for many years, as has mine.

The letter describes our situation very well.

I would be with my AP and then miss my home, then I would be home and miss my AP desperately.
I often want to run away by myself but sounds like that would be a bad idea.

My husband and I have been on vacation, but he didn't know the truth at that time so I guess that doesn't count. It wasn't a great vacation because I was missing my AP and my husband fed off that and was impatient with me.

My husband still doesn't know everything about my relationship but doesn't think he needs to. Is it imperative to tell him about places we went and things we did? Seems like it would just cause more damage.

Right now my he is letting me live at home as long as I have no contact. The minute I have contact I am to tell my children everything, get out and he will file for divorce.


In my head I understand and totally agree with him, but my heart just goes back and forth. I cannot seem to make a decision and stick with it.....which is why my affair lasted so long.

I have a beautiful home and amazing children but my longing for connection seems to override all sense.

Just like my married ex-boyfriend.

What spyware do you have in place to rule out if he's having an affair?

And listen to the radio clips in here. What is Just Compensation?

You need to end your A and go 100% No Contact forever, even if you don't save your marriage. Your M will either be saved or not, but you need to become a decent human being again regardless.

That will never happen while there is even the slightest possibility of contact with OM.

I would highly doubt him having an affair......he really is quite disciplined.

He has two phones and I know the passwords for both. He leaves his laptop open and accessable at home and works in an office with another family member so would be difficult to hide there.

I think he is just still really angry that I cheated.

I ended the affair and a year later nothing had changed except for my husband being very honest about how much he didn't trust me and how he wasn't ready to make any future plans with me.
He needed more time.

It got pretty lonely sitting around waiting for him to decide it was time to start our life again.

I messed up one too many times and I think he is done.

I seriously doubt they have anything close to a marriage to be saved.

rbabc: Doesn't seem you two have anything to save - whatever marriage you had seems dead. So, after years of betrayal and adultery you think you can garner some sympathy here about how you waited around for a year for your H to bend to you once again. You should simply file for divorce, not to vindicate you against him, but to release him legally from You! Get it?

Tom