The Vets are great on this site, so I thank them for their time. I need to get big boy pants on and get some advice. Here's my story.

I've been on this site throughout the years but I never posted. I am BH 46 and WW is 43. I've been married 20 years with 2 kids, 17 & 13. My WW had an affair after we moved in 2006. I originally thought it was an emotional affair but found out recently that it was physical so never got truth in recovery. My WW had another affair a couple years later. I found this site, bought Dr. Harley's book, put some basics in place and killed the affair. I couldn't confirm that it was physical affair but it was definitely emotional. I would say that I didn't do everything perfect but we went in recovery doing it on my own.

A few years later I get an anonymous email saying that there was some suspicious activity at her work place. I identified the person and then He and another person got fired. 2 weeks later, WW got fired and lied to me (I found out the truth recently), so something was not right.

Fast forward to 10/2016. My 17yr old comes home to tell me that he was told from a friend that WW slept with an 18yr old student at his school. The boy told 2 friends which got back to my son. Son confirmed that the boy told the the other 2 kids. Boy later denied. WW was adamant it was false. This seems hard to believe with her, but with cheaters, anything is possible. I had no proof, and she was accounted for. Begs me to stay with her and not leave her. She agrees to additional transparency.

On 3/4, there was some time unaccounted for and suspicious explanation - picking up 13 yr old but took extra time. I couldn't get a hold of her. I asked why her phone was off. She says she just denied my call. I ask to see her phone because the call would be logged, WW refused and got really angry, says she's not doing it (which refusing to see phone is against our agreement), I got angry and said we were done. I told her I didn't trust her and that hurt her feelings. We start sleeping in separate rooms.

By Monday, I try to defuse the situation and offer to start sleeping in the same room and working through it. She then tells me that I am smothering her, and that she needs her space and wants a divorce because she needs her old self back and she's not happy, and she can't make me happy. WW says there is no other guy, and she needs time to find herself.

Next day, I surprised her when she had a secret phone. At first I thought it was my sons. I turned around and it was gone. I asked her if she had 2 phones and she says no, only the one.

Later, she says can't find herself with me in the same house. WW counsels with a lawyer which told her to remove all the accountability measures. I went into Plan A.

Friday (Day after tracking went off), she acted like she went to work but didn't. I texted her and said I would drop by lunch and a gift at work. She calls me and said that she went into work and was crying and they told her to take a personal day (This is a lie, she actually called into work), so she tells me she went to a nearby city to the mall instead of going home (She told me this after my text). I said great, let me come have lunch with you, she refused. I was upset but kept my cool, I later called her and said I wanted to talk to her. That night, I tell her enough is enough and agree to start discussing divorce. Talks do not go well, especially about kids. I start Plan A to help calm the situation. She goes back and forth between wanting a divorce and not knowing what she wants. Unfortunately, I am not keeping my cool and go back and forth as well. Tonight, I hear her talking on the phone. The call is not on her phone, so I have another confirmation that she has a secret phone.

I feel stupid. Serial Cheater but I still love her. This is her first threat of divorce. I would love to save my marriage, but I'm not sure if anything will change. Should I just give up and not bother, or get the intel on who's the other man.

Looking for some advice on next steps. Let me know if you need more details.

Welcome to MB and sorry for the pain that has brought you here.

Have you ever exposed any of her affairs? Do your children know?

What spyware do you have in place? Do you have a VAR in her vehicle? A GPS on her vehicle?

Have you been tested for STDs?

what do your kids think of their mother sleeping with a student is she a teacher?

Hello Deepsorrow, the massive, 50 ton elephant in the room is the fact that you don't know any details. Her affairs have been going on for YEARS because she has been allowed to live a secret second life. You have been given clue after clue after clue but haven't ever acted on it.

I would stop accusing and asking and hire a PI. Get some super snooping in place and find out what she is doing now.

Once you do that, you can address the current affair and we will help you get the facts about the past affairs.

You seem to have a misperception about Plan A. It isn't something that you do every once in a while in response to different situations. It is used continuously. Once you start Plan A, it governs your behavior until you either recover or move on to Plan B.

Thanks for the responses.

I did an okay at exposure on the second affair. Pastor, friends, family, confronted affair partner to run him off. I did not tell the kids which I should have done according to Dr. Harley. Exposure killed the affairs, but she keeps going back for more so I screwed up on the EPs.

My oldest son knows everything. My youngest does not.

As far as spy equipment, I put a VAR in the bedroom today. It should catch intel as she talks on the secret phone at night. I am considering buying one for the car and setup a GPS. My plan is to get some more information so that I can then give it to a PI - Time, dates, places. I have not been tested for STDs. My son was very angry about the student. WW is a Para at another school in a nearby town.

MelodyLane - You are right, I have been accusing and that is causing more problems. I have to stop because she'll lie anyway and goes into Fog babble. I've got the VAR in place for spy mode.

MrEureka - I'm in Plan A right now. What you are seeing is that I was waffling and love busting. I'm back on track and intend to stay there.

My family and some of my close friends think enough if enough!

Another fact I left out is that she took half the funds from our bank account and didn't tell me. I found out yesterday and she said that her parents advised to protect herself. I've looked for a good lawyer to get some advice but can't get into see him until next week. I'm not sure how to handle this.

Let me know if my plan is right. Thanks!

I've invited her to watch TV tonight, kind of a date night at home. She will still kiss me and hug me only when we leave for work and go to our separate beds. No other affection and definitely wants to be alone at night to carry on her affair.

I would place 1000% effort on getting the intel and exposing her affair. There is very little hope here because she is a serial cheater. I wager she has had many, many affairs. She does not fall into affairs, she is out actively looking for action, wouldn't you agree? Most affairs are not purposeful like this so you are in a difficult situation that is likely going to end in divorce.


This is a distraction.

I bet your kids and many other people know all about her affairs. Have you asked around? What does your older son know about her past?

I would have to agree. The only way you will make it is if she makes such radical changes in her lifestyle that it would be impossible to cheat. For example, you would need to find a way to be together 24/7 and even then she might be likely to cheat.

Melody - Making sure I understand, don't worry much about spending time with her? Just put 1000% effort into intel ASAP? I'll get another VAR. I agree she is the one looking for action. I didn't always believe that, but you nailed it.

I just shared my situation with a friend I go to church with. He said that his wife was regularly having lunch with my WW, and my WW said something that she was doing. My friends wife told her she was sinning and that she would not go to lunch anymore. My friends wife called me stupid.

WW mother slipped up and told me about another man that she'd heard about. Yes, I think there are a lot, and she is a serial cheater.

I discussed the affairs with my older son after the school rumor. My son shared with me that when he was 6 or 7, he walked out into the living room and a man and WW on the couch and saw oral. Just found that out recently. Also she then fessed that affair was physical 2 other times which I think is a lie. My son also told me that she previously had a secret phone when he was younger. He said he found it on 2 occasions and remembered it was a grey flip phone. Of course, WW lied about it.

The 24/7 will not work and that is what is causing this latest blow-up. The accountability is smothering her causing problems with her affairs. She doesn't want to change.

Melody
I have problems accusing as you pointed out. I needed facts. Messed up, but that is too late now. She uses the accusing as a reason to get rid of EPs. My bad there.

You realize though, that 'accusing' is not going to get you facts. You are dealing with a serial cheater who has probably spent your entire marriage living a SSL and gaslighting you about it. She is a gifted liar and manipulator, more so than the average cheater actually. Accusing her or asking her is only going to get you gaslighting and fogbabble, not facts.

As ML advised, put 100% of your effort into getting the intel about her current affair. Even if this heads to divorce, you should find out the details so you can expose.

If it were me I would also spend some time sleuthing through things to find out about past affairs (computer history, texting history, etc.). In your case, I don't think you will ever know all the details of the past, but it is possible you could use any information you find to further expose if you want to.

Ultimately, this is headed for divorce. You said yourself that she has no willingness to live a life of accountability and will not give up her SSL or affairs. Because of that this will happen again, and again, and again. Unless you are willing to live like this forever (nobody deserves this death of a thousand cuts) I would also start preparing for divorce.

So I will use exposure for Divorce? What's the rationale of Divorce exposure?

Exposure is beneficial whether you recover the marriage, or divorce and have personal recovery.

If the OM's have unsuspecting wives and families, they should know about your WW so they can protect themselves (and because telling them the truth is the right thing to do).

Telling your family and friends will give you support.

Finding out the facts (not just the heresay you have had about some of these affairs) may help you in terms of custody and divorce.

But the number one reason I am going to tell you to get the facts, is so that you can do a proper exposure to your children. Her behavior in front of and her complete disregard for your children is alarming. Her young son caught her having oral sex with her OM. There is no telling what your other children have heard or witnessed. The fact that her young son caught her, and then she later had sex with a student who told other students that were friends of your son who then told your son, SOBERING experiences for most cheaters even those in the fog, tells me she has absolutely no care in the world what your children are exposed to.

Your children have been brought up with a serial cheating mom, who not only takes risks, but seems to be careless at hiding the evidence of her affairs. They need to know the truth. They need you to explain to them that this behavior is wrong. They need to know that the secrets they have painstakingly been keeping from you are not their burden to carry. They need to learn the truth about their lives, which have been damaged by affairs for years. And they need you to be their moral compass.

Well said unwritten.

You may want to let on that you should cooperate and be friends for the kids sake. Stop asking her to show her phone and tell her you are sorry she feels smothered. You want her to lower her guard without lying to her.

so your son saw all of that well she's been cheating for years
she has no respect for you bro.
good luck.

No, that is not your bad, it is hers. It only means she is using your accusation as an excuse to do what she was going to do anyway.

i am sorry to say this, but your best option is to begin divorce proceedings. This is a hopeless case. I would get legal protection immediately, while you continue to snoop to find out the WHO. Not that really means anything at this point. I am sure there have been many. Like I said earlier, I am sure many, many people know about this.

You should also get checked for STDs right away. So sorry.

You would expose the affairs so everyone knows why your marriage is ending. Everything should be out in the open, including the names of these OM.

I would take out both of your boys and have a private heart to heart about this. There is much more, I am sure. They are very confused because they have been taught that wrong is right and that impression has been validated by you by not saying or doing anything. I would just do this now. It is ok to keep spying, but you don't need any more information to move forward. I am sure the whole community knows everything.

I understand what you all are saying. Tonight was not a good night. WW gets mad because I've talked to a couple of close friends about the affairs. She is extremely mad although that was several days ago that she found out. She unloaded on me tonight, saying that is totally uncalled for. I think this is starting to mess up the dream of replacing me with the OM because of what people might think. She is on the phone with him now, so I hope to have some intel tomorrow. It will likely be hard to get a name with one side of the conversation. She is extremely irrational, yelling at the kids, yelling at me, and blaming everyone but herself.

I have a lawyer meeting next Thursday, but I feel I need to get in earlier. My 13 yr old broke down tonight. I am going to talk to my boys, but want to do it one time after I find out who this OM is. I'm so mad because this OM is messing up my family and WW doesn't understand what she's doing. She does not accept anything positive and focuses on the negative.

I know this marriage may be over, but I need help to stay in it until I can protect from any further damage.

I need help with what to do and how to act. Thanks!

I would get in with your attorney right away if you can. I would go ahead and sit the 13 down and have talk with him. I am sure he knows quite a bit already. When you find the ID of the OM you can tell him. He is probably very confused and may even believe you endorse her adultery.

My father was also a serial cheater and was introducing me to his girlfriends as early as age 4. Since my mother never said anything was wrong with this, I just assumed what seemed very wrong to me was not wrong. I learned very early not to trust my instincts about right and wrong. I grew up very morally confused.

Can you hire a PI?

What does your friend's Wife know? Could she know the latest OM?
What was it that your WW told your friend's wife?

Can you hire a PI?

I am SO disappointed... The VAR didn't work last night and I did not get any intel. I must have flipped it off when I hid it.

I first talked to my 17 yr old son. The tension started last night because he did not turn in homework. My WW was very angry and that led into the fight last night. I asked 17 to do everything he can to keep peace in the house - do his homework, etc. Him and I also talked about the affair with student. I told him that I was wrong for allowing it, and everything else that went on in the past. My 17 said that he felt I let her off the hook and it was wrong to do that so he was pretty perceptive.

I also talked to 13yr old. He overheard the conversation/fight with WW and got his info about Affair from that. I talked to him that this was inappropriate and has been going on a long time and that I should have done something about it. I think it helped him. He didn't seem to have anything more examples of how he was exposed to her infidelity.

WW calls me this morning steaming mad again. She suspects I am talking to the kids because 17yr old ignored her this morning and I was talking with 13yr old. She then lays into me about telling other people, again & again. I just say that she needs to get over it and move on. She keeps repeating herself trying to beat me up. I keep saying that she needs to get over it. I feel I made a mistake by telling her about my friends. She is stuck on it and is angry as a hornet.

I will look into PI today. I am anticipating the closest PI will be pretty far away.

I am upset and I keep trying to make up with her to resolve the conflict and it is not working so I need a different approach.

I asked my friend but he said she didn't know the details. I don't think it's the same OM.

I think one of the reasons this has been allowed to go on for so long is you get upset when she is upset and do anything to create peace. Conflict avoidance causes more conflict. Would you agree? I would stop trying to do this and instead, stop getting into fights with her. Of course she will be upset about exposures. There is nothing wrong with that. Just say "sorry you are upset," but the kids need to be fully informed of the situation.

Tell her you have spoken to the kids and [whomever else] to get their perspectives. They all know she has had affairs and you aim to ensure that everyone knows. You need to be LOUD AND PROUD about this.

Have you spoken to the parents of the teenage boy she had the affair with?

The boy lives with his grandmother. I'm not sure of the story, but I think his parents were unfit due to drug abuse and the grandmother stepped in at a early age. I don't see that he has any relationship with his parents and don't know anything about them.

And... there's is more to his story. January, a story hit the TV news that a teacher in our district had an affair with at least 2 students. This teacher had a history in other districts and she was allow to continue. The student was married to HS principle so it was big news. Well, one of the students was the same one that said he slept with WW. Affair with WW happened the end of October.

I had heard the grandma may have been one of the people that turned this story into the school/police. I'm not sure the details. I don't really know her and I'm not sure of her name.

I want to do this by text if I can.

"I'm not going to fight anymore about who I talk to. I am trying to get their perspective. Our friends and family already know you've had affairs"

I don't necessarily want to threaten her about telling everyone. I want to do it and then deal with fallout. She will just do everything in her power to keep me from telling people. Thoughts?

TELL EVERYONE.
your wife has no morals.

OK folks. VAR has confirmed that there is another man as expected. More details coming as I found out more.

Do I tell the kids?

Yes. Have you read the exposure thread?

Have you read this? Exposing to Children

yes. And I would also expose to the OM's family and friends FIRST.

Well, I don't have the name of the OM but I am considering telling the kids that she is in an affair.

How is she talking to him? Can you get spyware on her devices?

Are you still hiring a PI?

I confirmed the affair with a VAR in the bedroom. She is using a secret phone. I'm not sure if I will find out who it is or whether it matters with this marriage headed for divorce. I am ready to expose but I won't be able to expose OM.

I have talked to a PI, but I need more info so that I can catch her.

Don't EXPOSE until you have the name and have verified who it is. You have nothing to expose yet.

such as? Why can't he follow her?

He can, but she's extremely careful right now, not doing anything outside of normal schedules to tip me off, and I am wanting to get information on a rendezvous so that I have a better chance.

Try when she might take a break at work, like lunch time.

Here's my suggested plan -

1. Get a VAR and a phone with GPS in her car.

2. I have a friend that I was considering visiting on Saturday and I had mentioned it to her several days ago. After I let her know, she will schedule something and I in another car or PI can follow her. I think she will schedule something with OM.

3. I will try to keep everything on the down low until I find who the OM is and get into see a lawyer. File paperwork to divorce, wait for her to be served, and then EXPOSE. The surprise of the Divorce and Exposure will send her in a spiral and I may be able to negotiate a settlement with her.

Wife already took half the joint bank account to a personal account. I moved the other half this morning. Wife found out and was MAD! Funny how it is okay for her.

hope everything goes well for you dude!

Thanks Hylton7!! I hope. She's already planning to marry this dude. She's wanting to get the house sold and then split. I'm trying not to fight and still playing along that I do not know anything. It's really hard. I'm pretty sad.

I'll take any encouragement by posters!!

Are you documenting everything?

Get that VAR and GPS in her car ASAP.

What was her reason that she took half the money?

I found out from the VAR in the bedroom that she is leaving on Saturday.

What do I do?

Did you hire the PI yet?

Secure all important documents and valuables now.

please keep us updated

I have contacted a PI but have not found a good time for him to come. I don't live close to the city, so it's going to set me back a lot of $$ to just get him here. I will do it. She has been staying pretty clear of suspicion to not throw me off.

My next spy technique - I bought the biggest external battery as possible and using a phone for GPS. I was very scared that she would hide her car keys so I slipped it in tonight. Unfortunately, I didn't get the battery fully charged. Didn't get the VAR in there. Time is running out for intel without a PI.

What do I document? I guess I could videotape all the household items.

I think she is also leaving so she doesn't have to pay half the bills. Seems like her lawyer told her something about it.

I want to expose but I know I need the name. I'm hoping GPS will lead me to OM.

My 17 yr old knows that I'm trying to find out OM name. She is getting ready to take the kids with her. He is staying quiet. If he doesn't go with her, she will have a problem. She's being really nice to the kids right now.

I'm trying to think of valuables that she might take. We are trying to sell our house so I don't think she'll take furniture for now. Tomorrow I can empty the gun safe and take them somewhere I guess. I did secure some money, which I think made her speed up the timetable.

I'll start looking at exposure. Is it different for divorce?

Brainhurts - she said that she took half to protect herself. Said her parents advised her to. I have heard of men taking all money and have read this is a protection for spouses. WW is planning getting extra jobs.

What does people do with credit cards in these situations???

Do I need to shut them down? Help!!!!

Thinking ahead about exposure...

WW works as a paraprofessional at a middle school. She is assigned to a special needs kid who is autistic. This is her second year with him so she is attached. The boys parents are pretty well known in our town, and I happen to know the boys father pretty well. He had been a victim to adultery with his first wife and it was a bad situation. I also work with him. He built a family with a new wife and seems happy. Both the mother and father love my wife and her work with their son.

When exposure comes, I think it would be in the best interest that they know. I'm not sure they would want their child with a lying, cheating, adulterer. Anyway, I would think they would call the school and have her removed from her assignment. This will make her so mad at me, she may never talk to me again.

I guess I will not have to deal with her wrath as much after she leaves. Please keep the comments coming. It motivates me to tell more of the story.

My 13yr old won't know what to do, and will likely go with his mom because he will think it's the right thing to do. I'm sad because he has been REALLY trying to play cards or games to have fun and break the tension in the house. He is such a great kid with a good heart. Unfortunately, he doesn't know how bad his mom is. She has been a good mother taking care of him, but a bad wife and mother supporting our family. This sucks!!

The leaving may occur Friday. On the VAR, she is just saying a couple days to get through the school week. I could see her come home early and try to get kids to leave with her. My kids only go a half day on Friday. She works until 3:15 and I work until 5:00. Anything I should do to prepare?

I know God will lead me to happiness after all of this is over. I should have dealt with this a long time ago. I've been completely loyal in all my years with her.

I guess I will set up a doctor appointment for STD testing.

I found a really good article for a pre-divorce checklist.

I hid important documents for now in my house. I will get them out of the house and take to my office at work.

The realtor is coming tomorrow. After she's done, I will move guns and ammo to truck and get them to a friend.

I've already got a separate bank account. I'm thinking about calling credit card company tomorrow to see if I can limit exposure.

I will probably have to pay all bills. I expect her to move her paycheck to he own account. I don't know if it is smart to shut off her phone. I'll look at what bills to eliminate and get it down to a minimum.

I don't have many heirlooms around the house.

Hello Deep,

I am by far no expert, and am going through raw trauma same as many others here, so if a veteran member has better advice, please listen to them instead.

(All of the below is based only on my personal experience)

I do however have intimate knowledge of just how vicious and out of control a WW can get. If it were me, I would bring the children to someone else's house before she leaves. In my case the children were with me for a full year, but once she stole them, when I was not there, I was first lied to about their return, then finally had to hire a lawyer and file an emergency petition to see them again. 5 months from the time she took them to the time I saw them again. They came back poisoned against me.
I of course have no idea if you might fear any of this, but I would call in sick, take half a day, tell them the truth. It doesn't matter.
Pick the kids up from school early, or call them in sick, and tell them it's a trip to grandma's or where ever.

I would also report the cards missing. In my case, she secretly stole 1000's during her affair, and 1000's more after.

Hide valuables... including jewelry. Especially yours. (you can guess why I say this)

Change the locks on the house doors.
(I came home one day to find most of the furniture gone. On another it was brand new computers)

Change the lock on your mailbox, or get a post office box.

It was too late for me on any of these things, because I could not comprehend or believe these things would happen. Be safe.

I would not let her take the kids. You should not go along with that. You are the only sane person in this scenario and need to protect them.

Refresh my memory, have you told the younger one she is having an affair? If not, I would tell him now so he can protect himself. Tell him that he is not to leave with her.

Here DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT

And carry a VAR on yourself whenever you're in contact with her to protect yourself from a false DV charge.

Do you have a lawyer yet? If not, I would definitely go get some counsel from one immediately. Even in a free consultation you should be able to get some legal advice on how to protect yourself.

It seems to me you think she is entitled to do this however she wants to, she is not. Pick the kids up from school early, be there so that she cannot just remove them without your involvement.

This is not just about divorce, it is about your fogged out wayward going to probably shack up with some guy you don't even know. Don't let your kids get sucked into that situation. Not only should they not be forced to leave their own home, but who knows what kind of guy this is or what he could do to your kids. It does not seem like she is very picky about her affair partner choices

Yes the family of her charge should be exposed to, considering she has had sex with one of her troubled students in the past. She is not safe to be a paraprofessional working with kids.

I told younger son that she had affairs. At the time I didn't have proof of the current affair. Older son knows what is going on fully. I've told him everything but I asked him to keep it on the down-low until we find out who.

So talk to my son?? I think I have one more night to get things in order.

She's definitely talking to them about leaving. I think she has younger son convinced. What do I say?

I want to expose but I do not have a name. I did get VAR in her Car with a hidden phone to give GPS. VAR in bedroom just gives sickening stuff. I feel like she is in control.

i would call your lawyer right now and prevent her from taking your kids. In the meantime, speak to your sons and tell them your wife is having an affair and is planning on leaving you for the OM. Let them know that you are taking steps to prevent that, they do not have to go with her.

You may need to file asap so she cant take the kids. See an attorney today. Do not wait. Also inform the school.

Don't expose [other than what I told you about your sons] until you have a name.

What did you hear on the VAR?

Other people can weigh in on this, but in your case, I would consider exposing now even though you don't have a name.

That is not something I would usually recommend, but given the fact that she is a serial cheater who has had numerous affairs for years (many more than you will ever know about I imagine), and has already exposed your kids to years of adultery, and is about to leave and attempt to take them with her and expose them to her new OM, I think blowing this up NOW and filing for divorce to protect yourself and your kids is the best option.

If you have hard evidence that she is in an affair (which you do) that she cannot deny, that is 'evidence that would convince a jury.' Of course it would be best to know her most recent conquest, but at this point, the safety of your children and protecting yourself is more important IMO.

You will possibly hear who it is after doing a thorough exposure, as ML has suggested it is likely that many people in town know about her escapades.

Have you read the Exposure 101 thread? Do you have the template letter ready to go? Do you have an exposure list ready to go? Post your exposure letter here first so we can help you with the wording. I am guessing it will be slightly different from the template since you are not looking to recover your marriage.

NOTE: MelodyLane and I cross posted. ML is an expert at exposure and will not steer your wrong!

You may be able to file an emergency order to prevent her from removing the children from the home. The laws in each state vary. Have you called at least 3 attorneys yet? If you dont know who to call, look for a local magazine for a Best of List. ( Example: Dallas has D Magazine. Most medium size towns have these local mags too. If rural, there is usual a regional magazine.)

I'm going to have to find a different lawyer. The lawyer I want is out until Thursday.

Talked to a lawyer. With the age of my kids, the lawyer said they can stay with whatever parent they want.

To her mother - they talk primarily about me and that I am manipulating things. They talked about conversations with her lawyer and that if she moves out, I would end up paying for all the bills for our current residence and she would not have to contribute. WW running the numbers on child support and different options.

To her Lover - They have talked about getting married and where. How they long to be together. Seems like they continue to need affirmation from both sides that they won't back out on getting together once she leaves. Also, all kinds of lovie dovie talk. How they make each other feel. "Feel's Right". Seems like he drinks every night (as does she). They are talking a lot about the kids and what they will do when she leaves. She's worried they won't go with her. She seems to think younger one will now after she talked to him. I plan to get on that right away. We will be at an Honor's society induction tonight for him, so I'm thinking I have one more night before she's gone. Also, she talks about me and how much a jerk I am (normal fog babble)


I have called the Credit Card companies and lowered are limits. They must have texted her because she knew and call me all disgusted. I wanted that undetected. I used the excuse that she will not reconcile so I am getting worried. Probably messed up that one.

I got one hint that OM might have a significant other.

WW says "Has she finally quit texting you". WW says "you need to be happy".

Lawyer did recommend to try and negotiate a divorce settlement while WW is not thinking straight.

You only messed up by not lowering the amounts to ZERO or cancelling them. You don't need any excuses. NONE. you are not the one doing something wrogn.

Good job on your plan to speak to the younger boy. I would speak to them both and them all about her plan to run off with this RAT.

yep!! That is exactly right.

let the kids hear the var and tell them about her plans.

For Pete's sake, the kids don't need to hear the VAR. But they do need to know what their mom is doing and they to hear from you a clear statement that it is wrong. Because another person is involved, they will want to stay with you. Be sure to tell them that this POSOM will be in the picture and you will not abide that. Be clear that they should not even entertain the idea of subjecting themselves to this homewrecker.

but what if the youngest son believes the mother and goes with her?
keep in mind that she's planing to screw him over.
the two son's need proof.

A 13 year old does not need to hear his mother talking about sex with her OM. These kids have seen and heard too much already. They need their father to draw clear boundaries.

yes your right i'm sorry.

(Again, just from my experience)

I am not sure what state you reside in, but my two youngest children are the same ages. (middle child just turned 17) I had this same concern and was told it was the opposite. Both are considered minors until 18 years old. Personally, I would ask the opinion of a second lawyer... if not a third. All will talk with you for free the first time.
I also suggest again, if you allow them to go, then file an emergency petition first thing. Also do what you can to establish their address. I can only guess if she takes them, it is not because she wants them to see or be with you. And think about the likelihood she is going to promote them coming back.

Update: Kind of good news, took lawyers advice on negotiating divorce. Seemed to work. We made progress and child custody terms were acceptable. Need to get paperwork going ASAP.

I think this may have defused her leaving with kids. I don't think she's confident kids will leave with her. I did talk with 13 yr old. He did everything he could do not to cry. He's a good kid. Older son is a little more bitter at WW. I think she is worried that leaving will cause me not to cooperate and she wants an uncontested settlement.

I feel a little better, but I think I will still struggle living with her. At least she was not as nasty towards me. Much more palatable living here after talking divorce.

She seems sad at marriage ending. She was dragging her feet at filing or talking Divorce for quite awhile. I still feel like a backup plan. I need rid of her. I still love her so it's confusing to my heart and mind.

VAR seems to indicate that they are not talking about things in common like work or people in a circle. Also, no suspicious behavior on GPS. Makes me think this guy lives somewhere that is not convenient. This weekend may provide more intel.

Melody - here's an idea I want to run by you.

My father-in-law is divorced from MIL many years ago. On the previous WW affairs, I did expose the affair to him prior to mass exposure. I found him to be very trustworthy and he helped me from the inside providing intel and influencing family.

My full focus is running off Mr. RAT. FIL would have the same goal. He would also believe what I say when I tell him she's in an affair and I need to find out who it is to run him off and protect my kids. He will not want Mr. RAT in the family.

MIL is NOT trustworthy and is a problem. FIL usually helps contain MIL.

What's your thoughts on getting FIL's help, or is it too risky because he's an insider (blood thicker than water)? FIL is already helping WW get a new place, provide support. I know this is not exposure protocol, but could help me find out who Mr. RAT is.

Parents have no clue. They are just going on Fog babble.

Good idea!

Last night VAR recording was a bunch of phone sex. It does seem like he has a significant other. Not much indication as to place they meet or common friends. They are focused on fantasizing. This sucks because I want to quit snooping and focus on the future, but I'm committed to finding out who the OM is.

I do have a VAR in the car again. Hopefully, they meet up this weekend.

My suspicion is a PE teacher at the middle school she works at which is making it harder to detect. I'm sure she goes and sees him on breaks. His Facebook says he's engaged but it hasn't been updated for a long time. WW was teasing about him taking the significant to dinner and casino. But she wasn't going to get jealous. I don't know many people at this school, but I'm sure that if this is true, others would be suspicious.

I may be wrong, but we'll see.

I am thinking about telling her I'm going somewhere this weekend and see what she does. Any thoughts on this tactic?

Also, I would assume I keep the affair on the down-low and not expose until I have the divorce paperwork signed (unless she contests the divorce settlement)?

First, to expose you need evidence.
But when you have evidence that would convince a jury, then I have heard Dr Harley say that if you want to divorce and not recover to wait until it's signed to expose. Then ask for support in exposure to help you heal by yourself.

ok. Thanks buildsherhouse. I asked to meet with WW to discuss Divorce and got some lame excuse why she couldn't. It may be that she just doesn't want to talk, but I am going on a stakeout to see if I can get evidence.

GREAT NEWS - I caught the OM!!!!!! Cheaters are stupid!

I'll post the details later.

I will also share my gps snooping technique.

Good job.

Here's the story.

I had texted WW to meet to discuss divorce. I got some lame excuse that she was going to help mother change out her bed because her back hurt. I asked her when she'd be done and she said she didn't know. I said text me and we can still go. I find out later she had several other plans.

I borrowed another car that was not mine, had my phone ready to record and staked out her location after school to see if OM was there. Found out that answer was NO. Also her intention was to go look at houses with her mother. I got bored of the stake-out and went home. 17 yr old was home. I was feeling really down, and asked him if he wanted to go get something to eat with me. He was eager. We took off to town. WW started on the move from her mothers house. (Mother lives in nearby town.) WW went north to another town. NOW this was unusually. 17yr old wants to follow so we head out.

She gets to the town and stops for 5 minutes at a grocery store. Then takes out to McDonalds and goes driving around. As WW is driving around we assume she picked up OM at grocery store so we headed straight to grocery store. It was not busy so we started scoping out cars. We looked a little suspicious doing this, but I didn't care. One guy came by and said, "Can I help you?".

On GPS, WW and OM stop at the football field of this nearby town and start doing their thing (I assume). They were there for about 45 minutes.

I took pictures of each car that was parked and would delete the ones that left. We got interested in a truck that was parked. I walked up to see if there was something that would identify who owned the truck. GUESS WHAT!! Work ID was hanging from the rear view mirror. I took pictures. The ID had picture, address, company, phone numbers, etc. How dumb! Anyway, as we were waiting, we looked him up on Facebook. He was from our town (which was not where we were at the time) and my WW was one of his friends. Boom, we had the potential cheater. Son and I waited for them to drop off. On their way back, we went into the store so we could record from a window. As the drop was made, they get out of WW's car and start to come in. As they were coming, WW grabs his hand (which we have on video). We take off because they are on their way in and head to the bathroom, it was my son's idea. I told him that they might be heading to the bathroom. So we hid out in the stock room. We waited for 20 minutes until they left (seemed like forever). Of course WW starts calling me as soon as she leaves. I ignore her because I didn't want to accidentally blow our cover. She keeps calling. We decide to head back to home town and get Taco Bell to bring home. I later text her that me and 17yr old went to get Taco Bell because I got tired of waiting for her to come home to talk. That explanation seemed to satisfy her. We came home and ate Taco Bell and acted normal.

Son was very relieved that we got proof because he knows that Mom lies to him.

I also had a VAR in her car so I hope it worked this time. I won't like listening, but it is just more proof.

I took snapshots of GPS screens of where and when. Got video and pictures of ID and truck.

OM turns out to be no one I suspected or knew. Just another one of probably many.

Anyway, THANKS TO ALL THAT HAVE BEEN HELPING. This lifted a burden that I have been carrying through all the years. For those lurkers, post and get help. I would have never got my snooping to the level it needed without a little encouragement from the Vets.

I still have work to do, but I checked this off my list.

Is OM married? Did you make a copy of his Facebook list of friends for exposure? Do you have your exposure list ready?

I have not but will very soon. I do not want to reconcile this time around so I'm waiting for divorce.

Is the OM married?

The OM definitely has a significant other. She doesn't have the same name for some reason.

A friend of mine thought they were married. They have been in a relationship according to Facebook since November 2010.

What are you thinking Brainhurts?

Find OMs wife and let her know what's happening.

Even if I am going to expose after divorce?

I will need help on steps for my situation.

She has a right to know.

Shouldn't he try to get the divorce over with first? That will be to his advantage. He doesn't need to sacrifice his interests for the OM's SO does he? We don't even know if they're married. I think he needs to look out for his own interests first. When the divorce is over he should absolutely let the poor woman know.

I've had a tough day today personally. I finally listened to the VAR in the car. When does the pain go away?

I'm hoping to move on and heal, but I am struggling without exposure. I don't see how I can keep this to myself. I want to bust this affair up.

I am thinking that my kids will not accept OM, so that will be hard for WW.

I keep trying to remember that an alien has taken over my wife. I need to get this divorce through asap.

What about having the betrayed spouse expose?

Would that hurt my negotiation in divorce settlement?

Why don't you write Dr Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com and ask what he advises you do in your situation?

Make sure to include that your WW is a serial cheater and that you just want to divorce and move on and are in the process of divorcing.
Include the ages of your children and your concerns about custody and about the OMs significant other.

I wrote in. I'll report back if I hear something.

I didn't hear anything so I am still needing help.

I have divorce paperwork ready to sign with most things agreed. I am still living in the same household and WW continues her affair in my house. This is tearing me up because I know she is having the affair but can't say anything. One of my friends says I should ask her to leave and expose after signing the paperwork. Has anyone had any experience with my situation? Should I expose similar to if I were to save our marriage or limited exposure to family and close friends?

Will she sign the paperwork?

I think she will sign the papers. She's reviewing them now.

I have all the evidence lined out in a video.

Do you have your exposure list ready for when you expose?

I have OM Facebook contacts copied. I haven't made out the list yet. I am wondering how widespread I need to expose for my situation.

WW reviewed paperwork. We found some typo's from the lawyer, but there was nothing substantial OM wanted to change in the agreement and parenting plan.

My friends are telling me I need to take back the bed and if she doesn't like it, she can leave. They do not think carrying on an affair in my bed should be tolerated. They also are in favor of exposing her by flaming her. Post video to wall. That might backfire I think. Private message is probably better. Any thoughts why PM works better? My friends also say I should cut off credit cards and quit supporting her.

Kids and WW have off school today. I am suspecting she will go see OM today. He comes home for the weekend. I am already beginning to ignore her which is confusing her. She is manipulating and I'm getting ready to make a stand against her.

OM is not married to his significant other. They've been living together for 6 years, no kids, but both have kids of their own. I live in a smaller town of about 7500 people, so when this gets out it will spread like wildfire.

I think you need to step back a bit and evaluate your motives. The affair should be exposed, but you need to be doing it to get support and not for revenge. Keep that in mind when you do your exposure.

Deep Sorrow,

Stop vacillating and follow the plan that is in place with Marriage Builders. If you don't execute the plan then you execute (think firing squad) the best possible resolution.

Follow Melody Lane's link for Exposure 101 and just do it. Follow the steps to a T. They work. And then you can get on to the second part of Plan A.

Right now you are all over the place and letting your emotions and the arbitrary advice from friends who are not experts in marriage be the wind that directs your ship. As a result you are getting nowhere fast. It's time to be decisive and put the MB plan in action.

Justyhe3ofus - I'm married to a serial cheater and headed to divorce.

I've been advised to wait to expose. So, I'm looking for help with my situation. I still want to run off OM, get support from friends and family, and protect my kids.

WW has signed divorce settlement on Friday.

MelodyLane - Since WW has signed divorce settlement, I am considering exposing and getting into Plan B pretty soon. I need to be protected from her as she is toxic and it is killing me. I have already started to begin to portray a stronger person to her, not being needy. I have told her I know she is in an affair, and we will not be friends or have a relationship if she continues. She still gaslights because she's been successful in the past. I have not provided specifics.

My 17 year old wants to confront her with me. WW doesn't really care what I think, but her kids are her world (except for right now because of her ongoing affair). I want to show her evidence and ask her to leave the house. She is just hanging around until her new place is ready. I need her out to go into Plan B.

Any help is appreciated.

Are you still able to message a non friend on Facebook?

DS, I would first expose the affair to everyone, including the OM's SO and family. Expose to her family, your family, etc using the tactics and talking points on my exposure thread. You can leave out the part about wanting to save your marriage.

Exposing the affair before you confront her will catch her off guard and prevent her from spinning the story. She may even leave sooner in order to punish you.

AFTER you have exposed the affair wide and far, your son can have a talk with her, but he must be respectful to his mother. And no, you shouldn't kick her out. When she moves out, you can go into Plan B if you choose.

You can, but it goes to "message requests".
Message requests tab is located on the top bar after clicking the little "messages" icon on the top right of the page.
From what I have experienced, people often overlook "message requests" as they do not really stand out as an attention getter.

If you are asking for exposure purpose, I can share how I did FB exposure to OM's side, when starting as not being "FB friends" with any of them, and it was effective.

Thanks Melody! This is not what I was thinking, but it makes sense. I will do what you recommend. You have been extremely helpful getting me through this. I wish I would have posted a long time ago and maybe I could have saved my marriage.

I would like to know more PTSD. I have the OM's SO number already. I plan to start there, but it seems harder to expose on FB than it used to be for non friends.

DS, I would try to find OM's parents and family members and expose to them. Copy and paste his contacts into a text doc for safekeeping because he will shut down the page once he knows your plan.

Here's a modified exposure letter.


Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of WW and I. You may or may not know, but WW has recently asked me for a divorce, which has shattered my heart. I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she has been carrying on an affair the past 2 months with XXXX XXXXXX who resides in XXXXX. He is currently in a 7 year relationship with XXX XXXX. The purpose of the divorce is so that she can carry on her affair without my interference.

This behavior has been going on for many years with different men. If you have any influence on WW, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair and protect my 2 boys, XXXX and XXXXX. It is probably too late to save our marriage, but the affair must end.

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with WW to persuade her to end her affair to protect XXXXX and XXXXXX.

Please support her in doing the right thing. I�d be happy to provide proof for anyone that would like to see it.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest Regards,

Any feedback, changes?

Looks good!

Why are you having these conversations with her? You realize you are STILL trying to rationalize with a serial cheater with a long history of fogged out thinking. It is NOT going to work. Of course she is trying to gaslight you, she has been doing it for a very very long time.

You are right that she is toxic and her long history of affairs has been damaging to you. You need to go into Plan B to protect yourself *regardless* of what she does. You don't need to show her a stronger person (really at this point, it doesn't matter, you are not trying to Plan A or save your marriage here), and you do not need to get her to agree to anything. As far as her ongoing affair(s), once you are divorced and in Plan B it won't matter what she is doing anymore.

WW's SSL and many years of serial cheating are her world, not her kids. I think you still have a very polyanna view of who are you are dealing with here.

The exposure letter is well written, DS.

You are right unwritten.

WW's SSL is hard to believe sometimes which affects my view of her. As far as having conversations, that has pretty much ended. I keep communication to a minimum right now, act uninterested, and do not try to initiate conversation. I'm living with her right now, so as soon as I can go Plan B, I will.

What I did to achieve FB exposure of OM,
As many can guess I learned much from Melody and the members here:

- As mentioned, do not do anything until you have everything in place and ready. Once word is out, OM will likely remove themselves from FB completely. Those on OM's side will start blocking you.
- Find OM's FB page. If you have access to WW's page or OM's - SO, one or both will likely have OM in their "friends" list.
- If you can not find the SO's page, try pasting the phone number in the FB search bar, or Google search the name with the word "Facebook".
- Once you have OM's page, immediately copy the links to each person on their friends list. Take note of those sharing the same last name (those are of course relatives).
- If you can not find OM's page, the SO will likely have some of OM's relatives on their page and you can circle back around to find him and/or more relatives.
- Find those with the same last name and branch out from there. Look at their own "friends" list and find more with that name... and so on. Also check the "about me" section under "Family and Relationships". This will result in more relatives and likely even tell you their relationship with OM. Also scroll through the various timelines as you will find even more.
- When you have the list of page links compiled, in one motion send each of them a "friend request".
(Use the "poke" button as another level of gaining their attention)
- Once you have (and it should not take long) a few/ several whom have accepted the request, send your exposure letter to all of the above list, using the IM. Do so if they have accepted your request or not. Do not stop sending until you have reached the whole list.
- As more accept your request (meaning they have not seen the letter) Send the letter again, so that it arrives in a obvious message window.
- Those whom do not accept your request yet do block you, means they have seen the letter and/or someone else got word to them. (I believe the FB messenger app will also show if it was "seen")
- Those whom do not accept your request, and also do not block you, withdraw the friend request and send it again. Then repeat the above.

* While in the process it is going to be somewhat nerve-racking.
Just keep copying/ pasting and move to the next. Once you click that last button, you are actually going to be relieved you took action. Excited even.

There are likely 3 different responses you will get.
- No reply at all. (but as mentioned, there are other ways to know they got the message)
- "Sorry, can't help you"
- Insults and name calling toward you for "hurting" OM.

( My response to this last one was... "I am doing all I can to repair my marriage and family as well as helping BS's family and acting as an enabler by keeping this a secret is detrimental to that" ). I even ignored their comments and again asked for them to contact and/ or help me find OM's parents (although I already had OM's father and sister).

* In any event, don't worry by insults. All it means is they too got the message.

Just after sending the messages, I sent OM messages telling him... "Everyone knows about the affair. Your wife, your friends, your family, everyone you associate with. Even if they do not tell you... they know. Get out of our lives *&%$#$ and leave my WW the &%$*# alone!"
(And continued for several days, each time I found out or even suspected they contacted each other) I even included the dictionary link to Adulterer, just to drive it home.

* If anything like my situation, you have been downplayed and degraded between the two of them. By confronting OM through email, I was told to expect, by those I know (and did expect), that it would have my WW (and likely OM) snickering at me like I was small (and she did just that). But, once it set in that they were truly exposed, a different tune was playing.
After sending OM these messages, over several days, his BW finally asked me to stop, because "It is causing him depression".

Note:
- If you can not find SO's FB page, you have the number, so call.
(You might even call if you do find the page)

Have your evidence ready. I suggest creating and uploading to a Dropbox account. Offer it to the betrayed SO. They will likely want all of it. Offer to speak directly with OM and/or offer to do so by obtaining their phone number.
Offer to give SO your WW's friends so they might do the same as you just did. Encourage SO to confront your WW as well.

- If they live close to you, you can even go to the actual house to inform SO and/or confront OM (I did with OM2 and had no regrets). If possible, bring someone with you to hang back.
I was forced to go alone, but knew POS OM's are cowards.
* If you do not have the address, 99cents and a visit to Spokeo.com will fix that.
If you confront OM at house, I also suggest having your phone in hand with the video running.

As already mentioned in the exposure thread, once OM discovers he has been exposed, he will tell your WW... and likely fast.
She will be mad and will tell you that you are the bad person for outing and... hurting... them. (It's crazy but it will happen). Like mentioned in many other areas of this forum, just say "sorry you are upset" and drop it.

(In my circumstance OM1 was a three year affair, and died exactly 30 days after exposure)

I hope this helps you. Stay strong and confident and God bless.

* There were some trace elements in the months to follow, but I informed the other BS each time (whom I am still in contact with), and together we stopped those as well.

* OM2 was a 2 plus month affair and completely died in less than 2 weeks, after exposure and confronting OM in person.

Well, I told OM's Significant Other and showed her evidence, all hell broke loose. She went home, kicked OM out of her house. Then started exposing to everyone she knew. She then posted on her Facebook page. I asked her to take it down. I got through exposing to most of her family, but all friends already knew after SO was done. Word will spread across fast in our town. Everyone will know.

WW came home and that was interesting. As expected, she was pretty mad and still fogged out. I do not know if I handled her right, but did my best. I thought she was going to leave for a minute, but didn't. I think she was waiting for me to kick her out. Mostly fog babble that I had to ignore.

She immediately wanted to tell kids about divorce and tell them it was only because "we don't get along". She cornered 17yr old son. I don't know what she told him, but he came away upset and didn't want to talk about it anymore. I am thinking she was gaslighting him and it made him upset. I don't know. Seems like she damaged him. He's pretty smart, and he sometimes sees through her BS better than me.

Significant Other told me that she an OM heard about rumor of WW sleeping with the student. Evidently, OM thought she was easy, and pursued her through Facebook Messenger. She was easy for him.

SO said he is on probation with 5 DWIs and he had broken probation so she was going to turn him in and send him to jail. He's a serial cheater as well. Not sure if he had been caught.

WW is still in love with OM, so I expect her to still pursue him, but their affair took a serious blow. I suspect WW will continue affair but hide it. WW continues to threaten me to stay away from her family. She couldn't spin the affair. I made sure they knew I had irrefutable proof.

WW's mother did chew me out for spying and for mass exposure. She understands that WW has issues but wanted to make sure I took blame. She yelled at me that everyone in town is going to know her daughter is a whore and my kids were going to find out.

It was pretty wild.

Good job!! Do your kids know the facts about the affair? As in, the full name of the OM and the fact that you have the evidence?

I would not have asked the SO to take down her FB exposure. There is no reason she can't expose the affair on her facebook page.

Good job!!

17 yr old knows everything. 13 yr old doesn't have name but I will be giving it to him.

SO put up another post on Facebook. It is a little more appropriate than yesterday and it get's the point across. Here's the post.

"Well there is alot on my mind facebook friends!! I've never understood what makes a person want to cheat with another when they have someone who is loyal and willing to go to hell and back with them. Love isn't just 3 little words. It's a lifetime of actions. My heart is in so much pain even though I'm not surprised but I thought XXXXX and I were in the better part of our life and that we had already conquered hell. I'm really not sure what to do. I wasn't prepared for this. Who ever is? So here I am 40 years old and lost. XXXX XXXXXX it's not fair what you have done to me. I guess I got you where you needed to be and this is how you repay me."

WW just called and I didn't answer, I had some exposure to complete this morning. So, it's hitting her hard right now. I'm sure she thought she could weather the storm yesterday thinking that it was going to stop.

Good, I would speak to the 13 yr old asap so he is fully informed.


I am surprised you are scrutinizing the posts of a devastated woman. She is within her rights to post whatever she chooses. What did she post that you deemed so inappropriate?

Melody - I probably did that wrong. I just thought that since exposure was usually done with private messages, I didn't think the facebook post was the right way to expose.

I understand. I think it is a great way to expose. The reason we tell ppl to do it in private messages is to ensure that people get the message. If it is on someone's timeline, many of their friends never see it.

WW just called. Wanted me to stop telling people, delete whatever evidence I had. Said I was hurting people. I said her actions are hurting people. She hung up.

Oh wow! that is some serious blameshifting!

Do you think the OM's SO has contacted your wife yet? Do you think she will?

She hasn't, but she would if I asked her too.

Mother of OM and says "Look what you are doing to your kids". I said, "I did this?" She hung up.

No wonder her loser son is this way! If that were my son, I would be horseswhipping him and calling people to apologize. I wouldn't be blaming the victim.

I am happy to hear you are not allowing this blameshifting.

Of course WW wants you to stop telling people and delete the evidence. She is embarrassed about HER OWN disgusting behavior and their consequences. That has nothing to do with you.

As far as OM is concerned, it sounds like he is also a serial cheater and his SO should leave him in the dust. If I were you I would not care at all about what his family says to you.

Ultimately, you are not seeking to recover your marriage here. You did the right thing and brought this behavior into the light of day. It doesn't really matter what WW or anyone else who enable her think about what you did.

I'm sorry Melody - I meant Mother of WW not Mother of OM.

I contacted SO and gave her my wife's phone number.

Good answer!

Good move! Do you think she will call her?

Yes - I really think she will. She said she was going to tell my WW how she felt. My wife gets off work at 3:15 CT, so I will let you know what happens.

My MIL is also a problem. I need to ignore her. Her and WW are mostly worried about kids not staying with WW, looking out for themselves rather than addressing the real problem. My WW told me to enforce with the kids our custody agreement. MIL threatens me about not talking to them.

An outpouring of support is coming into OM's SO on Facebook. I did exposure through PMs so I am getting a lot of support as well. Many people shocked, others not shocked because they heard many of the other rumors which this confirmed. The common response is "I do not understand why she does this".

WW took her Facebook down last night. It is back up today, but she blocked me.

I am so curious to take a look at SO's Facebook page and responses she is getting. Any ideas of how you can point me to it? Maybe be last name and city? I ask because I will be walking the same walk as you in my case. I am also tempted to post my WW's affair or something like what SO has done on my page when my time comes.

I think it is super effective and will really hit my WW and OM well to the bone. Her friends and relatives will see it too when they go to my page. It can even stay for weeks or months. It can be shared. She will never have an affair again sealing one of the reasons for exposing affairs - so the WW/WH do not repeat affairs. I am liking this. It looks it is most powerful avenue of exposure.

Guess what? You can't FORCE them to see her. A judge is not going to force teenagers to see their parents and it is very common that teenagers want nothing t do with a wayward parent. So let her know you will leave it up to the kids to decide if they want to see her or not.

And your MIL can shove it. You are not obliged to ever lie to your own kids to cover up the crimes of their mother. Your MIL does not have their best interest at heart, sadly.

You need to stop obsessing about this. Follow the advice you have been given by Dr. Harley himself.

Everytime you feel the urge to do something stupid, take a walk. If nothing else, your health will benefit.

Thank you.

Venom is coming out from WW about snooping methods and who I exposed to. I point all questions back to her affair.

SO did not get to talk to WW but SO sent her this text with no response.

"WW this is SO. I want to start by asking you to stop pursuing OM. I know that he started all of this but as a wife and a mother you should have stopped before it started knowing it was wrong. OM and I have had some problems but cheating was not the answer. It defines who you truly are and it isnt a proud reputation. OM and I have been together almost 7 years and now that could be destroyed because of both your actions. This did not only hurt me but has affected my son on so many levels. He had already lost his dad years ago and OM had filled that void. So again I'm asking for you to stop this and let me fix my family. You should already know how you have hurt your husband and your boys from your previous affairs. Please don't ruin mine."

Bravo to the OM's SO! That was really nice of her.

Here's what I sent to OM.


"OM, this is DS. I don�t really know you, but I have little respect for you going after my wife, WW. Maybe you would be happier in your relationship at home if you focused on your own family instead of mine. As a father yourself, you should know what you are doing to my boys, XXXX and XXXXX. They are good kids and you & WW have destroyed them. They will NEVER accept you, and you are doomed if you continue to pursue WW. SO and your family are hurting and they don�t deserve what you�ve done to them. I have made sure the whole town of XXXXX knows the person you really are. Stay away from my family and never talk to WW again, and quit trying to ruin other peoples lives."


Hopefully this was alright. He was once a BS and his kids were affected by his wife's infidelity. So I used that in my message.

Well, after exposure, I am starting to get information about the other affairs.

That was a good message you sent to OM? Did he respond?

What and how have you found out about her other affairs?

OM has not responded to my text. I did not expect him to.

Friends are now coming to me sharing what they know. Seems like a lot of people do not want to get involved when they know about infidelity, and the BS does not. Now that an affair has been exposed, they come to you and discuss it.

I am not surprised. I figured everyone knew.

Wow - Tonight was NOT fun!! WW called me every bad name she could think of. She is comparing spying on her just as bad as her affair. She was out of control and still accusing me of continuing to spy on her even though I'm not. Saying that my exposure was going to hurt the kids. She got a copy of the exposure letter from one of our friends. She was extremely mad about the statement that this has been going on for years with several men, and the fact that I had proof and would provide it.

She's threatening to take the car to the police and have them come to the house to scan for bugs. I said go for it (I removed all the stuff when I got proof anyway). She is also giving me some line that it is illegal (which it is not).

The affair took a serious blow though. She told the OM to go work it out with SO. He probably doesn't want to, but WW and OM will not be able to be seen again after the exposure that happened. This might be just a ploy, I don't know. Unfortunately, I made a mistake and told the SO that I didn't care what she posted on Facebook. She told OM and OM told WW and that made her extremely mad. I didn't expect my communications to be passed along to OM, so I need to be extra careful. WW did not mention that I sent OM a text. I'm sure he told her, so I'm curious why she didn't say anything.

WW family is supporting her primarily driven by MIL rallying them. I guess I'm never going to be welcome at their house again, but I doubt we'll have much of a relationship anyway after the Divorce. WW is blameshifting to the nth degree and making the fact that I was snooping as the real problem, not the fact that she has continued to have affairs. (MIL is working her up). She wants me to admit snooping was wrong. Says that people think I'm sick in the head for spying.

WW is totally destroyed because her image is everything to her and now everybody knows who she really is. She is backed into a corner and her family is embarrassed so they blame me for their embarrassment.

WW is also extremely focused on accusing me of turning the kids against her. 17yr old was being mean to her tonight, which I hadn't really talked to him about it the past couple days while exposure was going on. She keeps repeating herself and talking about how good a mother she is. My kids were sick today, she took 13yr to urgent care, then threw it back at me that I didn't check with her all day and I just did whatever I want. We haven't really been communicating these past few days because I've tried not to engage her.

I'm getting all the fog about she was going to divorce me anyway even if she didn't have an affair.

Do I just weather the storm and things get better? I didn't apologize for exposing, I tried to turn it back to her affair, but she was lighting me up big time. I probably shouldn't have entertained the discussion.

I could use some HELP. AHHHH! :0

Here is all the help you need...when she spews her venom at her, just say, "I'm sorry your the consequences of your affair are causing you so much discomfort."

Repeat to yourself when being grilled about snooping, "I have every right to know what is happening in my own life."

What's the legality of the VAR? I was thinking one party consent only applied to phone calls, but I did a little research. Seems like you have to have one party consent for conversations as well.

I am not a lawyer but have been in divorce court.
The laws on VAR are suppose to protect strangers more or less.

However, using a var in your OWN vehicle, house, computers,anything you own etc is allowed at any time. (even if she buys it in her name the laws of marriage would show that it is considered joint property)
Different states -some would allow the VAR to be used in court against your spouse... some would not.

In any case, no one can sue you, fine you or get anything done with: but judge, he used a VAR in the car we both own and I didn't like it!!!! WHY? Well, he found out I was cheating on him....

(think of all the private security camera's people set up with capabilities of voice recording in their car, house etc- they never ask the people coming inside to consent to being recorded)

If you own it: your safe.

if you went and set up a VAR or security camera in your neighbors yard or a stranger: jail time! See, big difference.

Hope that helps...

And it is wayward script to say that they are going to sue you or try to convict you on your snooping methods. Its just angry non sense.

Makes sense. She wants to get along and be friends while threatening me and bullying. She's still in the affair. This morning I simply told her if she wants any kind of relationship with me, then she needs to stop her affair, and I'm not going to back down.

She continues to say that she told him he could pursue the SO if he wanted thinking I would be good with that, but I know she doesn't really mean it. When I tell her to stop contacting him, WW just gets mad.

I'm not sure I should care since we are getting divorced. I do want to run him off from my kids. She just says I'm trying to control her.

That is awesome!! You really have her affair on the ropes. I would call this a huge success. Don't let her shake you up, just say "sorry you are upset that everyone knows about your affair."

It is wrong to have an affair, it is not wrong to catch someone having an affair. No one has the right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back. You had every right to snoop on her and get the truth because she was lying about her affair.


What was the mistake??

Well I thought it was a mistake, but I guess I am programmed to avoid her anger and don't see it.


How should I treat her today? Guess I'll go back to ignoring her and waiting for her to contact me. Last night I went to the YMCA to work out right before she got home. She is noticing that I am not paying attention to her anymore and it is starting to bother her.

BINGO. You are programmed to avoid her anger and you don't see it.

You are really focused on ending THIS specific affair. But the reality is, she is a serial cheater with a long history of affairs and will serial cheat for the rest of your life with her. So whether she ends this affair or not, is really irrelevant, because she will just start another one tomorrow with the next guy who flashes a smile at her. Yes that is your reality. You are divorcing for the reason that she is a serial cheater with a long history of affairs, and life with her will be like a death of a thousand cuts. No one deserves to live like that and you can have a better happier life with someone who will live an affair proof life with you.

Focus on that. Stop engaging in these silly fogged out conversations with her. Stop caring what she thinks about what you told OM's SO, stop worrying about what she is thinking about how you are behaving, stop caring what her affair enabling mother thinks.

Yes, I am divorcing her because she is a serial cheater and will continue to be. I still care for her and have hope that she might change someday.

The exposure is crushing. Even though she has been fogged out and blameshifting, I am feeling a little sorry for her. After tonight, I probably won't feel that way anymore.

Update: Last night we did not speak or even really see each other, so I did not have to hear her yell at me.

Everything blew up last night. WW threatened to call her brother and dad to come out to the house. I told her if she did, I would call the cops. She did, and I called the cops. The police made her leave and she ended up at OM's apartment that he just moved into. She was extremely mad because she didn't win, by she plans to come back today.

She is lying and making up things. I'm going to record every conversation going forward. I hope she just stay's at OMs. She makes me sick, I just need her out of my life.

Good job calling the police. Too many men wait until the situation is out of hand. Keep your VAR on and if she makes trouble again, call the police.

WW and affair enabling MIL are at my house right now collecting her personal items. Can I change the locks now?

You bet! Change the locks..

WW and MIL chewed me out yesterday. Called me names, attacked snooping methods, spewed venom about me calling the cops. I stayed cool and recorded the conversation.

I have pictures on OM truck, work badge, video of WW dropping OM off at his truck, video of the walking into a store holding hands, Pictures of GPS locations, and VAR evidence of sex, etc. I edited it down into a 1:30 video.

SO and OM are getting into a Facebook war with OM denying as well.

WW is denying having intercourse. WW's family believes her. Her story now is, "I made out with him, but we never had intercourse."

I continue to get upset because of the deceit. WW is telling me that she is not going to bring men around kids or into her new house, but I know she is lying. I want to expose evidence (no one has asked) to stop the lying, but I'm not sure it will gain anything. I am trying to be above everything but I've about had enough. What do you think I should do?

She has admitted the affair, but you can expose the evidence you have if you think it will be useful. When will she be moving out?

I would also coach your kids to call you to pick them up if she brings around an OM. They are old enough to be able to protect themselves. Also, they don't have to visit her in her new place unless they want to. Most judges will not force teenagers to visit.

WW has moved out her clothes and is staying with affair enabling MIL. WW has not stayed out the house for 3 nights which has been nice.

Had a tough day yesterday. Our house is being shown this morning and she was going to help get it ready. Yesterday morning I told her that I would take care of it and I just needed a day to myself. She wasn't having any of that, she has to have her way. She was also trying to get 17yr old to stay with her. She brought 13 yr old boy. He broke down with me and we cried. He said he didn't know what to do, and that he was lost. We talked and he felt better. I invited him to go to the movies. Both boys wanted to come.

Melody, after the movies I did talk about OM with both boys alone as you suggested. They both said they had already been talking about that together and they want nothing to do with him. So the boys are starting to work together and discuss things which they hadn't done in the past.

Affair is still going. Put a big dent in it though. They will have trouble going forward. My wife likes status, and that has gone down to zero in town. I don't think she has realized that yet because she's blinded by the affair, and she has not been in social settings with people from the community.

I am so glad she is out. I still care for her and love her even though I shouldn't. At least now, she can carry on her affairs and I can ignore it. Plan B will be hard because we have joint custody. In the divorce papers, it says we have to be available for at least a 10 minute call per day to discuss the kids.

Thanks for refreshing my memory. I remember now you told me she moved out. Did you change the locks?

Glad to hear your kids are talking with you. How confusing this must be for your 13 yr old. Can you imagine how confused he would be if you hadn't told him the truth? Poor kid.

Is there a reason you are selling your home now? That doesn't seem like a good idea at time when your kids need all the stability they can get.

]
You should find a way to get out of this one. First off, that is completely unnecessary and secondly, you will find that conversing with her just makes you sick by keeping you triggered.

I haven't changed the locks but need to. That will cause WW to get upset again. She manipulates through anger. 13yr old told me he didn't want to make WW mad at me because he wouldn't be able to see me, so he knows how she is.

The reason I'm selling my house is that we live pretty far away from town. We have 40acres and nice house. It's probably too much for me to afford with child support and having half my money taken from me through divorce.

I agree

In order to manipulate there must be a manipulator and a willing manipulatee. The solution is to stop allowing yourself to be manipulated. The worst thing you can do with a manipulator is to REWARD her bully behavior. Please don't allow this anymore. Your boys, especially, should not see a role model that allows a bully manipulator to bully men.

The 13 yr old can see you anytime he chooses. Please let him know he does not have to stay with his mother. He can stay wherever he chooses.




Hopefully she can't wipe you out. Is your attorney working on a great deal for you? Does your state take adultery into account?

My state has spouse behavior as part of the criteria, but it's not heavily considered. For example, they look at maybe 5 different criteria and spouse behavior is only 1/5 considered.

We have an agreement already signed.

Gotcha.

Well the saga continues. Just found out from a friend who doesn't know this situation let me know that WW got arrested Friday night for a DWI.

Evidently, when she got kicked out of the house, she probably went with OM to the bar. 1:37AM gets pulled over by the state patrol for not using a turn signal. Arrested for Misdemeanor DWI which carries suspension and $6500 fine. WW did not tell me about this. I'm sure she doesn't want me to know, but it is all over the internet.

Can you use this against her in the divorce? For example, can you get primary custody of the kids now?

A DWI is a misdemeanor?? I thought it was a felony everywhere.

I could use it. Her first offense so I guess it's a misdemeanor. I would have to undo the divorce settlement. My plan is to finalize divorce then go after custody. Once divorce is final, she can't come after me for alimony, but we can revisit custody. She doesn't know I know about it. Going to drop it on her to my advantage.

Last night WW was out with OM at the bowling alley. The SO confronted my WW. She said that WW just bit her lip and put her head down but did not say anything.

SO then posted on Facebook the online arrest report today. I think SO wants to save her relationship with OM. I advised her to put pressure on WW Parents, but I'm uncertain whether she can run WW off. SO and OM never got married, and WW is getting divorced. The affair will likely die from the pressure, but it will take a while.

I've been doing pretty well, but I get sad at times. I know I have to keep going, things will get better, and I will have a new life without WW. Its hard and I know a lot of you that are reading this have experienced the same thing as me. I wish it didn't have to be this way.

I am sorry you are sad. I promise it will get better over time and you have a bright future ahead of you.

It doesn't make it one bit better. But as you said many of us are going through the same thing. You and I are the same age, our WW's are the same age, we have been married the same amount of time (within a few years), dealing with multiple affairs, two of my three children are also 13 and a 17. I know what you are going through.

Currently WW is contacts me regarding the kids. I can tell she wants to have more frequent conversations, but I'm not interested in being friends with her. She had the kids last night and without the conflict with me, things are slowing down at least. This weekend will likely be full of conflict as we will be separating the household.

I have about 22 more days before I can submit for the divorce judgment. Removed all her pictures from my Facebook.

Now on to next step that I am contemplating.

My wife is a paraprofessional at a local middle school. She is in special education and assists an autistic kid that is in the 7th grade. She loves her job. The father of the kid works at the same company as me, and is a pretty high position. I know him pretty well and we talk on occasion. He was a victim of his first wife's infidelity and it was pretty public as it involved one of the founder's sons. They love my wife and how she works with their kid. They specifically wanted her to stay with him as he moved from elementary to intermediate school.

So, I am considering telling him about what is going on. I have some reservation because the parents will likely have her removed from her current position. They may not, but I suspect they will. I'm not sure if I should do this because it could come off as revengeful. I'm not sure how much news of her behavior has reached the school since it is in neighboring town. This will be very hurtful to her and she will spray venom at me.

Anyway, I would like some of your thoughts on how to handle this situation.

I guess WW introduced OM to her affair enabling mother. She is moving quickly.

Do you think the parent of her student would help put pressure on ending the affair?

Are you on ADs to help you through this time?

It is very sad when parents enable their children's cruelty.

I am on ADs, and I think that has helped. I am just getting triggered by the OMs Significant Other. I think I need to stop talking with her.

I think their affair is entrenched pretty deep, and there is not much that can be done to kill the affair. The exposure was wide and although cause a problem for them, didn't kill it. They will probably get married. My kids say they won't live with her if she brings him in the house, so maybe this will work out for me.

"So, I am considering telling him about what is going on. I have some reservation because the parents will likely have her removed from her current position. They may not, but I suspect they will. I'm not sure if I should do this because it could come off as revengeful. I'm not sure how much news of her behavior has reached the school since it is in neighboring town. This will be very hurtful to her and she will spray venom at me."

Absolutely, you should tell him. Not because you are "vengeful," but because it is the right thing to do. As a parent he has a right to choose the kind of ppl that associate with his child. That is HIS decision, not yours. Your WW has very poor judgement and that should be a factor for any caring parent.

^^^^ I totally agree!!

If you have no intentions of reconciling with your WW because she is a serial cheater and are intent on divorcing her, why do you care if she continues her affair so long as she keeps your children away from the POSOM? Please keep in mind that you are not dealing with your average child. This is a special needs child whose world can be severely impacted if their normal routine and the "usual people" in their life suddenly change. In my opinion, telling these parents does seem vengeful if you have no intention of reconciling with your WW.

I don't think it's important at all if the exposure seems "vengeful," because the parents right to know supersedes that. The parents have every right to decide what is best for their own child. That is no one else's business. No one else is qualified to decide for them what is best for their child. They can't do that unless they have the facts. This is not about reconciliation, but about the best interest of the child.

And lastly, exposure is always recommended regardless of the desire to reconcile. Dr Harley doesn't tell people to hide an affair if divorce is the desired outcome.

I also want to point out that one of her past affairs was with a student. Given the questionable morals of WW in this situation, I think these parents should be exposed to. It is the right thing to do.

Not only that, but the father is a coworker and friend of DeepSorrow, not just the employer of WW.

I think I will talk to him right after my divorce is final because I want her to have a job when the judge approves. That's about 3 weeks.

The school will likely find out about the DWI and not renew her job for next year anyway.

Today was a tough day. Although my wife took part of our funds, we had a joint account to pay the bills. Unfortunately she took more after we had an agreement not to touch the money, so I immediately moved the rest of the money and shut down all the credit cards.

Those darn waywards. I've always been able to trust her with finances but not so much with her cheating. I guess all morals are gone with her.

I have coached my kids about the OM. They both do not want anything to do with OM and will not stay with her if she moves him into her house. I am expecting this will happen right after divorce.

Has anyone had experience with going after custody if she moves OM in and kids don't want to stay with her. I was thinking about having the lawyer to prepare to file for custody if this happens. Thoughts?

Yesterday, I moved some of the furniture to WWs new house. My kids helped but it made them upset. 13 yr old broke down and cried. 17 yr old said that WW should have her boyfriend move it. WW is either mean or really sweet. It's like 2 different people. She either makes me angry, or sad because I still have feelings for her. I need some sort of plan B as this is not healthy for me. My family tells me to make everything business like from here on out.

Yesterday I just wanted to be with her, but I know it is not the right thing to do. I wish she could change. I think she is still confused as well.

I know this will get better and I am hanging onto hope that my future will be better than the past.

DS, so sorry for your kids. I agree they shouldn't help her move. That should be all on her.

I wrote a polite letter to WW and dropped it off at her car that I did not want her contacting or seeing me. We will have joint custody so I will not be able to completely go No Contact with her at this time. If I have a problem with her, I will. She has not contacted me since Sunday which is good. Each day is getting better for me. When I get sad, I just think to myself that I deserve better and think about something else. Kids are starting to adapt since WW has her own place now. Submitting for a judgment on the Divorce should happen in a couple weeks.

As I've said before, I do not really want a divorce from WW, but I know it's the right thing to do. I do not want to die from a thousand cuts. The support from friends and family has been great.

I'm like many betrayed spouses, I'm curious if most WW's ever feel remorse and want to come back after divorce? Not that I should care, but I do.

Although we have seen cases of this happening, I would not put money on it where your WW is concerned. She is a serial cheat with a long history of adultery. Her wayward mindset is very very entrenched. Although she could attempt to pursue you after divorce, it will be because she has lost control of you and not because she has ditched her wayward mindset and wants to change her lifestyle and become a loving, loyal wife. This is why Plan B is so important for you. Your WW has a long history of gaslighting and controlling you, and you have a long history of brushing reality under the rug because you want to see what you want to see.

So the answer is, although nothing is impossible, it is just not going to happen. You need to stop thinking about WW and start thinking about how to move on with your life in a more positive direction.

Unwritten, you are such a realist.

I wouldn't expect to see her feel remorse, but I would not be surprised if she wanted to come back once the OM dumps her. She won't be coming back to fix the marriage but because she wants a flop house until she has a new boyfriend lined up. If you want to see a true death of a thousand cuts, that would be it! Serial cheaters are very selfish and opportunistic so if she sees an opportunity to use you when she needs something, she will not hesitate to do it.

I am not trying to be a wet blanket, but please be very cautious if she tries to come back once the OM dumps her. You would be much better off staying single and dating once you are divorced.

Some of the happiest men I have ever know on this forum over the past 16 years are guys who remarried after very tough marriages like this. I hope you use your time looking forward and not backwards. You have a chance to be a very happy man.

All, this is very good advice, and it makes a lot of sense. I just need to get through the tough part of separating from this toxic relationship. The realistic feedback is helping me immensely. I am actually surprised that WW has not contacted me since Sunday (I gave her the Plan B type letter). This is really helping me see things clearly because I have not been triggered for a few days. Each day I recognize her for more of what she has become and not what I married. She probably thinks she is punishing me, so after that doesn't work, she'll be contacting me to try and control me again.

Unfortunately, I am noticing that she must be coming to the house everyday and taking the mail while I'm at work. I would normally not worry about this, but I did shut down our joint credit card and they are sending me one on an individual account. I may need to check to see if it has been activated. Other than that, I'm not really worried about things in the mail. I'm thinking about leaving work for a brief period in the afternoon and getting the mail. I have not changed locks because I'm worried about the laws in my state of the marital home. But, I do have an internet security system that she does not have access to, so if she enters the house, I'll know about it.

DS, can you open up a PO box and have your mail forwarded there? If you go to the PO and tell them the situation, they can hold your mail for now until it is forwarded.

Also, you can change your locks. It is not against the law in any state to change your locks, so I would strongly suggest you do that asap.

She could break into the house and there would be nothing I could do about it.

Change them anyway.

I am going to echo the above statements. Change the locks... or you are likely to see things start to disappear. She has a new place, so has no business being there. (I am willing to guess you were not given a key to her new place). Also as Melody suggested, get a PO mail box or a forwarding address. Otherwise WW is going to obtain access to bank account statements, mortgage statements, children's school letters, paychecks... or whatever else.

It's a lot harder and riskier for her to break in than it is for her to use a key that works.

If you make it harder and riskier for her to get in, you make it less likely that she will get in.

I came home. I'm not sure exactly when the mail comes but there is nothing there. I wonder if she already has it forwarded to her new house?

Yep - called the post office and she submitted a change of address for the whole family. This is unbelievable!

Its really actually NOT unbelievable. Not for us who have been here for years, watching normal decent people turn into manipulative monsters because of the affair fog.

Hopefully things like this will help you see why we advise things such as changing the locks and going into a dark Plan B. You want to think you are dealing with a reasonable person who has you and your children's best interest at heart, but you are not.

You need to start protecting yourself better here DeepSorrow. I am sorry you are going through this, I know it is painful. But knowing that the mail is disappearing and just giving it a good shoulder shrug 'eh she must be taking the mail, oh well' is NOT going to protect you. You have to stop being so complacent about things like this. You have been complacent for a long time in this marriage, while she had multiple affairs and introduced your children to a long history of cheating. You are on the right path now but you still show signs of complacency and the desire to just brush things under the rug. You need to stop it, or she is going to continue taking advantage of you.

Did you change it back?

Yes - I told the women at the post office what was going on and she said she was going to fix it right away. I may get the PO box on Monday or put mail on Hold (I think they are closed tomorrow). Even though I wanted to call her up, I did not tell her I knew she did this. I am just going to go along like nothing happened. Staying in No Contact.

I had a new Discover Card that was suppose to come in the mail that was an individual card instead of joint. I called them and they said that it was supposed to be delivered tomorrow. I told them to put a freeze on the card. If it gets delivered to her, I'll just have them issue another one. It has a pretty big limit on it, so I'm protected with that. Most bills are online, and I have changed the more important passwords. I still have $300 in a joint account that I am going to close first thing Monday. Last week she took cash out, and I moved $6k to secure what was remaining in the account that we were paying bills out of. Credit Cards are shut down.

She left half her clothes at my house. She has a LOT of clothes which was one of the benefits of being married to me. I boxed it all up and dropped it on her front porch a few minutes ago while she was at work.

I definitely need to listen to you guys on being complacent. I am getting better, but I am learning my lesson along the way.

I have new deadbolt locks. They are going on the doors tonight.

I am considering moving some of my assets out of the house. I already took important paperwork out that is mine. I also copied all of her stuff so I have a record of it.

I understand what you all say regarding Waywards not being the same people we thought we are married to. The Wayward mindset is crazy!

Anything Else??

Mel - I did leave her mail forwarded to her new address.

Do you think she might have opened a credit card in my name? Maybe I better check my credit report? I know she doesn't make enough to get much of a credit limit.

Run your credit and hers. You dont want any surprises.

good idea to run a credit report!

WW now has called 22 times in a row, and continues to call.

I'm not answering.

Good, don't answer because she is spinning because she's losing the control over her.

Well she ended up calling me about 40 times. I did not answer. Finally texted and said "You need to call me". I said, "What do you need". No answer.

She finally texted back with, "That was pretty rude of you to leave my stuff outside like that."

😂😂😂😂😂😂

And she's not rude for changing the entire family's mail to her address, including yours, without telling her!

She called you 40 times just to tell you that you were being rude

Please tell me you did not respond to such ridiculousness...

Did you ignore her?

I just ignored her. It has nothing to do with the kids, so I did not respond.

I wanted to say, "Not as rude as having multiple affairs and betraying your family".

Time to change your number.

I need help. How should I handle this?

Text from WW, "I guess if you don't want me at the house then we need to go ahead and split the rest of the stuff up."

What she is really saying is I'm going to come clean you out.

Change the locks.

Follow your separation agreement. Don't agree to changes until you consult your attorney.

First off, change the locks asap.

Then respond that "I will let the lawyers work out the property split."

I saw someone suggested running a credit report on both of you. Once you've opened up your new accounts in your name only, I would also suggest freezing your credit reports with all 3 of the major credit reporting agencies. This will prevent her from opening any new accounts in your name. You won't be able to open any new accounts either, without thawing your report (which is easy to do), so do this after you've gotten your new individual credit cards/accounts.

I took off work and changed the locks.

I ignored her on the phone calls and texts about getting stuff. I thought she might come over since I didn't respond, so I put some of the stuff she wanted on the front porch in case she showed up. She kept after me, but then finally texted me about the kids, so I responded. Hopefully she will learn and accept the new boundaries. Obviously, she was testing me. She did not come over (yet).

I've been feeling pretty good about my future these past few days. I just need to keep focused. Having a wayward wife is hard, especially with this contact she's initiating these past 2 days. She wants to control me, and that is coming to an end. I wish they could give waywards a shot to get rid of the fog. I only hope that someday my wife will snap out of it, but I don't think she will. It has consumed her and she has embraced the lifestyle. She is supposed to be a Christian.

You all are really helping me get through this nightmare. I want to thank you, and tell you how much I appreciate the time the vets spend on the forum.

The kids are supposed to come to the house for the weekend. I was going to take a trip with them, but I am going to stay close to the house until we get through the divorce. Only a couple more weeks I hope!

I ran credit report from 2 agencies. I only ran on myself so far. I didn't see anything unusual yet. I didn't run the 3rd agency because I plan to do that a little later. I can only do 1 per year per agency. I will look into the freezing.

DS, you can also run a report from all 3 agencies for free at creditkarma.com

DS, I am sorry this has been so hard. You have been a real trooper and are doing a great job! It will get better, I promise..

Yes. That's why in Plan B you avoid contact like the plague. I wish everyone here would read this and realize it.

I agree Marcos. Even though I will only communicate with WW about the kids, she also provides additional information in the texts that makes me feel bad. Example, she tells me she is going to the large nearby city to pick up some Easter things for the boys, but she is probably going out with OM. She's lying.

I would rather not know what she's doing. I was doing better during the days when she didn't contact me.

Seems like this arrangement of switching kids is a benefit for WW. She can go have her fun without worrying about kids. Seems wrong.

It does feel good to get locks changed.

DS,, you probably should go into Plan B. You are in "Plan C," which is the worst possible plan of all because she keeps you triggered and sick at heart. You have no reason whatsoever to communicate with her about the kids. It would be much better to facilitate any PERTINENT communication via an intermediary. If you will get this set up right, though, with a set visitation schedule, there will be nothing to communicate about.

Do you have someone who act as a SPAM filter for you? This person would screen any communication from her and would only pass on pertinent information in his/her own words. Your kids are so big that I can't think of anything that couldn't be communicated directly to them.

]
This is completely unnecessary communication. There is absolutely no need to tell you this. I would a) find an intermediary who would agree to be a neutral spam filter and b) inform your wife that anytjhing that has to be communicated to you can be sent through your designated IM.

if you go into Plan B, you will be amazed at how much better you feel in a short time.

Are you getting an IM?

I understand and agree. I have an intermediary in mind but I haven't asked them yet.

DS, go check out this thread about parallel parenting [what Dr Harley recommends, btw] and see what you think. It is a much better option than "co-parenting." Parallel Parenting

Good thread. I think I need to do parallel parenting. This would be more for my emotional well being than my kids. The boys are handling this split very well, for which I attribute the fact that I told them what was going on from advice on the forum.

I get triggered when I talk, see her, or have communication that is not business-like. I was planning on suffering through 2 more weeks to finalize divorce. Meanwhile, I would get an IM and prepare to go dark. The only thing I am worried about is seeing her at sporting events for the boys. It is almost impossible to not see her if we both go to the same game.

Obviously, she won't honor my wishes because she tries to call me when she's angry. I already communicated that I do not want to see or talk to her except for texts about the kids.

I agree you should wait for the divorce to be finalized. You might want to rethink the sports events. Hopefully, she will skip them.


I would also be thinking about how to block her communication, because when you tell her no contact at all, she will keep calling. You can either block her completely or change your #. Some folks end up changing their #. When she can't reach you that way, expect her to try other ways, such as email, landline calls and even showing up at your house. Waywards don't like losing control!

When you are prepared to shut this down, let us know and we can help you put together a short letter.

Ok. Sounds good.

I am considering texting her until Plan B that I do not want to know anything about what she is doing, only necessary info about the kids.

There is NO chance she will skip our boys sports events.

Read this and this might help you figure out a way to do the sporting events.
Important/Special events During Plan B

My favorite quote from the thread regarding the kids...

"Teaching them that you do not, for any reason, tolerate so much as the presence of someone who is disrespectful and abusive to you - even if it is their father/mother/uncle/aunt/grandma/grandpa."

Today was uneventful, no contact from WW.

Should I talk to the kids that I won't tolerate the presence of WW because she are disrespectful and abusive? They may not understand not attending sporting events because their parents have always been supportive of them.

Happy Easter!

Did you read this thread and listen to the radio Clip at the end of the thread?

I read the post, I went back and listened to the radio clip and Dr. Harley just said to take ADs if you want to attend an event with WW. I am currently on ADs.

But if you avoid the events then that is better for your health. And yes explain this to your children if you suddenly have to leave the event.

Today, the kids were supposed to go to WWs family's Easter lunch. When it was time time the boys to leave my house, 17yr old says he's not going, so I drove 13yr old over to the affair enabling MIL house. Of course, WW started calling me over and over trying to yell at me because 17yr old didn't come. I ignored the calls. She finally texts and I told her to call him. She expects me to make him go. I assume he doesn't really want to be around her family. I'm sure her family blames me, but I don't care. 13yr old tells me his mom will probably yell at him for his brother not coming. She uses anger to manipulate.

Then later 17yr old decides he wants to stay one more night (no school tomorrow). WW starts calling and texting. Texts that she is going to come get him. I text, "NO, I don't want to see you". She finally gave up. Didn't come.

Didn't bother me too much today. As long as I don't talk or see her, I'm doing pretty well. 7 days since I've seen her.

Other than getting the plan together sporting events, I think Plan B won't be too hard for me. I'm going to wait just a bit longer until Divorce is final.

My WH arrived with a moving truck when he knew I was away, disabled the outdoor security camera by turning off the power and emptied the house. The police were called but as soon as they knew it was a marital dispute they refused to do anything. I have never been able to recover any of the items.

After that I changed the locks and added a really simple alarm system. It was just the doors. The idea was that if WH arrived with a locksmith, the alarm would ring loudly, WH would be unable to turn it off and locksmith would realise that he had no right to be in the house.

Sorry that you have to go through this.

Darn it! Today I was at work, my oldest son was at home. I get a notification that my youngest son arrive at home (tracking app), so I figured my WW was at the house. Luckily, it was over lunch, so I jumped in my car and went over to the house. Somehow she got into my house using the door code, so either my youngest kid told her, or my door code was too easy.

WW was REALLY mad that I knew she was there. I think she thought I would have the security system off since my son was at the house (which I did). She didn't know how I figured it out. Of course she was there to get more stuff. I had some things already separated that she previously said she wanted. We get into a fight about me showing up and she starts blaming me for the fight. I definitely made a few love busters, primarily focusing on the fact that she is an adulterer and we wouldn't be having this problem if she hadn't of cheated on me. She called me all kinds of names and I wasn't very nice either. Unfortunately, the kids were there.

She accused me of working against her with my oldest kid, which I hadn't really said much to him. I was actually trying to get him to follow it. She threatened that she was not going to sell the house if I didn't force him to follow the custody agreement. I might have to take her to court on that because there is language in the agreement about that.

I was pretty mad. Told her to get out, I didn't want to see her or talk to her anymore. Told her to go back to her boyfriend, she cheated on me the past ten years and lied about it, etc. It probably was not a smart interaction as I fought back pretty hard, and in the end, and it doesn't do much in other than show her I'm not going to let her run over me. Also, she'll be a little worried next time she comes around our house as she doesn't know how I know she's there.

Kids were caught in the middle which I regret. This is sad, and I hate that it's happening. She was spewing venom again. Still in the fog and doesn't like that she can't control me or the kids.

Although you are right that it was immature and did not set a good example to engage in this nasty confrontation, I wouldn't worry about lovebusting. You don't need to worry about her lovebank for you as you are moving on to bigger and better things. But you also don't want to let her get to you like this and make you stoop to her level.

You need to get your house secured up TODAY. She is going to rob you blind if you do not make that a priority.

Not even a judge is going to force a 17 year old boy to visit his mother. He is not a small child, he is almost a full grown adult and can make that decision on his own. You should not do anything to encourage him to see her, that is his choice. He has every right to be upset with her and refuse to spend time with her when she is living this wayward lifestyle.

What kind of language could be in your agreement that disputes his right to choose? I am curious.

In my opinion, getting upset and having a screaming match with her was showing her that she WAS still in control, because she can still get you to engage. That is what she wants, that is why she calls you 40 times to tell you that you are rude, to get you to engage. You NOT engaging is showing her that she does not have control over you.

Is there a way to re-work your securiy system so after the alarm is set, only you can deactivate the alarm and unlock the dorr remotely? I think there are systems that can do this. It may be inconvenient to always need to let your son in, but then STBXW won't be able to get in the house when you arent there.

DS, unwritten is right, you have to secure that house. She will wipe you out and you will never recover. She is very angry that you are not allowing her to roll over you, so it is of upmost importance that you get the house secured.

Also, unwritten is right, no judge is going to make a 17 yr old visit his mother. Let her try and force him. She will just make her relationship 10x worse.

Also consider getting a safe deposit box for documents and a storage unit for heirlooms/valuables just in case.

There is no specific language other than the custody arrangement of 4 nights during the week for her and 3 nights for me. This is better than most get and we did not have to go to court. I bet she knows that the oldest can do whatever he wants, that's why she is so threatened and wants me to enforce it.



I agree with you. I knew I shouldn't engage her, but I protected the house and lost my cool when she started spewing venom. I pretty much reiterated that, I do not want to see her, and I do not want to talk to her, and she is an adulterer.


Yes, I will just disable the keypad and require a key. Right now, I am the only one that has keys and I will not give one to the kids. She will force them to give it up to get in. I do have the security system, so I will have to turn it on when the boys are home.



She is making her relationship worse, but my oldest is conforming when she comes and get him in person. Otherwise, he ignores her, but I know both kids do not think she is reasonable with their Dad. The lawyer says he can do what he wants since he is 17, and in my state, the court favor's whats best for the children. I will probably sue for primary custody after the divorce, because she will not be able to get alimony once the divorce is final, but I can revisit custody. So, there is language in the agreement that she waives all rights to alimony once final. I could stop the divorce and fight this out right now, but I will probably end up with a worse deal.

Overall, the interaction today didn't bother me personally. I am getting healthier.

I do have a safe deposit box. I only have some cash in there right now, but I agree that I need to move some things there. I have some of my important documents secure at my workplace.

I agree you shouldn't stop the divorce. Just let it roll forward. Does your 17 yr old know he doesn't have to go and that a judge will never force him?

Yes - he knows. That's why he is getting a little brave to challenge her.

So, do I just go back to ignoring her like I was doing until I get into Plan B? I'll keep her out of the house.

I forgot to tell you that WW texted that she was not going to work with me on selling the house unless I force the kids to follow the custody schedule.

I did not respond. She threatens me all the time.

How is it going?

Quick Update - Since Monday, I have only had one communication with WW where she texted me. My 13yr old son was asked to play on a baseball team and she wanted to know my thoughts. I told her that if her Affair Partner was involved in any way, I would not support it. She said he was not.

Other than that, she has not called or tried to do anything to me. Seems like the confrontation on Monday has temporarily helped. I have the kids back, so that may change after she's away from them for a few days. Next week will probably have some activity because we are getting close to the 30 day milestone for our divorce.

She is the talk of the town. I'm really surprised the exposure didn't break her up with OM. The SO texted me and said that her son and friends will not ever let OM coach them again (he was a Basketball coach for a traveling team). Also, SO told me that some high school kids were hanging out the window and flipping off WW when they passed her. I assume the rumors and betrayal is catching up to her, and she is taking some abuse for her actions. Other friends say they have not seen or talked to her, but they are not going to be her friend anymore. So, I know the affair continues, but WW and OM are just laying low for now trying to weather the storm I guess. I don't really know what she is thinking right now. I am doing well as long as I do not see or talk with her.

The house is secure. No forced entry.

I would think the best thing for a Wayward in this situation would be to dump OM, get through the divorce, and start a relationship with someone new. Trying to stay with OM will continue to bring shame and heat down upon them. I don't see how she is coping with this. She is in love with the affair, not the person. I assume she'll move on once the relationship is no fun anymore.

So far, no introduction of OM to my kids.

My 13 yr old had a basketball 3on3 tournament last night. WW,OM, and SO were there. I did not go. My friends told me it was very awkward. None of them set together. WW tried to sit with friends. SO set with her family. And OM set by himself.

I called WW about the house. We are trying to sell it but she is not working with me, so I had to have some communication. Overall, the conversation was not that good. She's still spewing wayward fog. Still angry over exposure, and think she's entitled. It's really hard to conduct business with someone that is not reasonable. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. I may have to have the lawyer involved. We don't have separate lawyers.

WW definitely thinks she has rights to the house and everything in it.

Having a bad day today. Talking with WW to work on divorce.

Very sad about it. I've been doing well, but not today.

Is this correct? You have the same lawyer?

I really think you need to get an IM.

Yes, I'm the petitioner, so it is my lawyer and he is looking out for my best interests, not hers. I am thinking about talking to another lawyer about the kids because I may file for custody.

I had a good conversation with 13yr old and he seems more adamant that he doesn't want to stay with WW if OM comes around. We talked more about their affair and I think he feels even better because he was suspicious about some things and it cleared up confusion. We went to the movies and when I got home, the wife calls me and says that 17yr old texts her and tells her he is not going to live with her anymore. I ask her if she's been with OM in the past couple days and she says yes. I said he probably either saw you or heard something. She indicated that she's hiding it well.

I talk to 17yr old to find out what happened and he said he didn't want to talk about it and leave him alone. Kids are supposed to go back today at 3:00. She's already threatened that she is coming over to the house to "find out what is going on". She threatens and manipulates the kids and they know it. She can't see that her actions are causing her discomfort. She is a MAJOR blameshifter.

Told her I do not want her here. She won't listen. I bet she shows up because the kids eventually do what she wants so she used to manipulating them.

I need a way to keep her away from the house. The locks have been changed. 17 yr old know he can do what he wants.

Oldest son doesn't want to talk about anything with me or her. He is struggling. She told me OM was at her house Friday night. I bet 17yr old saw him there, but not sure.

WW is saying that she wants to work with me on house, finances, kids. Different attitude from her all of the sudden. I wonder why the change. I made some remarks about OM, and she didn't get mad. Is this the same wayward???

I feel really sorry for your kids. I would keep standing up for them and if she tries to bully them, tell her that forcing them will make the relationship worse. She needs to back off if she wants to repair that relationship. She can't force them to see her. PERIOD.

NEED HELP!

WW came to house and tried to force 17 yr old to go with her. He pushed her down and cut her chin. I tried to take her to the emergency room and she called me names. She left and I called the county police to report it.

You need to go to the police station if they won't come to your house, and make an official report. Your son will also have to be interviewed. If you don't, she will be allowed to spin it however she wants. She'll try anyway, but I think letting it ride would come back and bite you all in the butts.

tl

Hi DeepSorrow, since I am also dealing with police and difficult incidents, I would emphasise to you DOCUMENT EVERYTHING with dates, times and descriptions of what occurred. Even if you just open a memo note on your phone, you should have a record of an incident immediately after it happens. You will forget things if you don't write it down immediately and your perspective of the situation will change with time. If you report what was said, use quotes rather than describing the sentiment. Take your statement to the police just to make them aware - and then document that you took your statement to the police and write down the name and number of who you spoke to.

Make sure you mention the names of any people you told the story to at the time, so that they can also verify your state of mind/reactions. If there are any witnesses (including your son), get them to write their version of events as soon as possible after it happened - and keep a copy of their statements, with phone numbers and names, just in case. Even if you never use these things, it will form the basis of a powerful collection of evidence. And it really doesn't take much effort to write 100 words in the immediate aftermath. It is just like posting on this forum.

Remember: names, dates, facts, details, witnesses. No emotion.

DS, can you give us an update? Very worried about your son.

Great advice from chalkncheese. Your WW is going to try to pin this on you. Stay strong.

Yes! Get everything officially documented ASAP.

I would talk with your son about violence and anger. An angry outburst is temporary insanity. Anything you are thinking of doing or saying when you are angry is crazy, and it will make your problems worse, so it is important to not say or do anything until you have calmed down.

I feel for your son - I went through being hassled by my wayward mother and her attempts to force me to see her even though I didn't want to. But angry outbursts are just going to make things worse for him.

Got this text from WW that cheated on me for 10 years.

"The saddest part of this is you sat there and watched our son treat me like this - you are not teaching him how to respect women."

I want to respond, but trying not to.

Although my son's actions were inappropriate, WW treated him horribly, and son told her he didn't want to talk about it and leave him alone for more than 30 minutes. She tried to force him to go with her and started taking his stuff which led to him to push her away. She fell down and cut her chin. I tried to take her to the emergency room and she would not let me. Called me names, everything's my fault, etc.

I talked to him about going to counseling, etc. My WW and MIL blameshift everything possible. Everything is my fault every time. It's really bad, and there is no changing that. They are telling me that his behavior is my fault.

Please stop fretting about this, I can tell you feel bad and maybe a little bit guilty... I don't know if your son was just trying to defend himself and in the scuffle she fell, or he intentiallh pushed her down. If the latter it is not good that he reacted in that manner. But NONE of that is *your fault.* It sounds like you tried to help her after the fact, that was the right response.

Of course she is going to blame you for her poor relationship with your son. All waywards do this, it is the only option other than taking responsibility. Expect it. This is why divorce and then Plan B is so very important right now. Where are you at on that?

I thought your divorce was supposed to be settled weeks ago and yet it still seems to be in process. I am concerned that you share a lawyer, this is not some amicable friendly divorce here you realize. Even if you were the petitioner, your shared attorney is obligated to represent both of your best interests and not just yours. IMO you need to change this.

Did you talk to him about this?


And did you get everything reported to the police so she can't pull something later?

Taking his stuff from where? You're not letting her in the house, are you?

I think it's going to be important to make it impossible for her to contact you except through an intermediary who will filter this stuff out.

The reason to talk to your son about angry outbursts and about doing nothing while angry/upset is NOT because she didn't deserve what was coming to her.

The reason to talk to him about this is for his own future. HIS future. Because if he lets himself react that way when someone near and dear to him treats him horribly, then he's going to end up in serious trouble somewhere down the line. She's not going to be the last person that treats him horribly.

We are reaching the 30 days to submit for a judgement this week. I am going to talk to another lawyer.

I called the police 2 times. Told them what happened and got their guidance on how to handle it. I could get a temporary restraining order. I have not decided yet.

I did. That will not happen again.

I'm waiting until divorce is final and then going into Plan B. It is too easy to break Plan B right now without separate lawyers. I am going to talk to one, but I might have the divorce final soon.

I understand and I was not trying to say she deserved anything. He needs counseling outside of people that are involved in this situation.

Do it.

A restraining order would make Plan B easier.

Oh, I think she did deserve it. You're missing the point of what I and markos are telling you -- that you need to talk to your son about controlling his anger for his sake, regardless of her.

Lesson learned!

DS, please take Prisca's advice and get a restraining order to keep her out of the house.

My 13yr old text me after getting home from school. He has just figured out that WW is moving in stuff into her home from OM. My son is really upset. Suggestions?

He also told me he is uncomfortable at her house without 17yr old.

Does he have to go? Can't he tell his Mom he doesn't want to go?

13yr old is already at her house. I called the lawyer. He said that I can fight for custody now, but WW would probably submit for alimony. In our current agreement, she has waived alimony. Lawyer says it could be a lot with the disparate salaries. Or, we would file for judgement and after 30 days, say the custody is not working out and file for full custody. She can't go after alimony after divorce. In my state, what the kids want at their age, the court will approve. 17yr old is an adult and can do what he wants.

Just wait! The kids can just refuse to go until the divorce is final and then you can get full custody.

I am seriously considering restraining order and Plan B.

Her brother just sent me this text. "Heck of an example of a man you are setting for your sons. To lay a hand on a woman or allow your son to his mother is truly sickening."

Sound like she told her family I hit her.

I would respond back to him and say: "I would never hit XW, so it doesn't sound like you were told the truth. I agree that DS should not push her and have spoken to him about this"

I think you should file a RO but not go into Plan B yet.

If I file a restraining order, how will I get 13yr old back and forth.

17yr old wants to be on the restraining order as well.

The same way anyone else in Plan B does.

ML - very good!!! I sent this.

No, she's blaming you for the fact that the son allegedly hit her. Very typical.

Cut him off - he's a hole in your Plan B, and you certainly don't need to talk to him now.

I finally talked to a law enforcement officer that was one of my best friends growing up and he also knows WW. He said I needed to take care of me first. Said many people do not get an ex parte (restraining order) because they are afraid to make the other person mad, but law enforcement is quick to favor the wife over a husband in a dispute. He was very knowledgeable and provided some good advice. I worked tonight on documenting yesterday's incident really well with a lot of detail. I also documented the previous incident where I called the police. That event showed how she would fake being hit, and it should be recorded on 911 tapes as evidence of how she would make something up. My friend reiterated the importance of documentation in these cases.

I also documented that she was leaving personal items in the house to get access, and that I eventually loaded everything up and took it to her house. That is why she was mad. A lawyer told her that if she still had personal items in the house, she would have legal access. I took that away from her on 4/13 by dropping her stuff at her house. Then I got the house secure as recommended by the vets.

My WW moved to a different county, not sure which circuit court to go to for the ex parte.

DS, do you have a way to record every conversation? Most phones can do this or you can get a little pocket recorder at Walmart or Radio Shack.

Yes on my iPhone. I did record the conversation when MIL and WW came to house to move her out. Also, the conversation when I called the police the first time.

What happened yesterday when your son shoved her? Did he leave to go with her or did she leave without him? Does she not see that she is wrecking her relationship by trying to force him?

I would make sure your son also documents the in ident in his own words.

My son did not go with her. I asked her to leave because she was calling me names and needing to go to the hospital, etc. She would not let me take her to the ER to get stitches. She does not see that she is wrecking her relationship. Their family blames exposure for turning the kids against her. Since I exposed, I am the reason for their pain. This is the primary reason for the Brother-in-law text. He is angry about exposure and both my wife and siblings lived through an ugly divorce with their parents. Her mother manipulated them, and they all believe I am doing that with the kids to turn them against her.

They wanted me to say that we just couldn't work things out and go on.

Her family makes me feel guilty, even though adultery is the root cause.

You will feel a lot better when you haven't heard from any of them in a long time, so be sure to make it impossible for them to contact you.

You are doing the right things the right way DS. Over time, your life will change but, if she stays on this same trajectory, hers will not and people will come to realize it isn't you or you manipulating the boys. My ex-FIL and ex-SIL fully supported my now XH in his A and saw me as evil personified. They both now think I walk on water. It just took time.

In other words, they wanted you to lie to cover up her adultery and teach your children to be dishonest. They would have eventually found out, by the way. It was never in the best interest of your children to lie to them. I am sure your wife wanted to lie about the reasons for your divorce, but that is not healthy or normal.

In short, your wife wrecked her relationship with her children by having an affair. She is 100% to blame. Unfortunately for her, your kids learned right from wrong from you and don't approve. That is the risk one takes when they commit adultery.

"Sorry, but I don't lie to my kids."

This is what I've said all along during this process when she would bring up telling the kids about the divorce.

Isn't it interesting that other people have an opinion that you should lie to your own kids when it is not their ox getting gored? I can somewhat understand your wife feeling that way because she is the guilty party.

But these other clowns don't love your kids and are not responsible for them. So easy to be all full of opinions when it is not their kids being harmed. Hope you tell them to shove it.

13 yr old was at MIL after school. WW stops by to pick him up. MIL and WW were talking bad about me while he was in the bathroom. It made him upset. He confronted WW in car home that if she continues seeing OM, he didn't want to live with her. She told him that she would not stop. He said it was fine if she found someone else. She said that was not fair.

13yr old calls 17yr old to pick him up. She threatens him that he is coming back for 2 more days custody.

My son tells me that she has filed some sort of police report, I am not sure, but I think she is targeting me. I am going to the judicial center tomorrow to file restraining order. I should have got it today, but was too busy at work to leave (important meetings).

I'm a little worried because I have never been in trouble with the law and not used to this kind of thing.

Do you think she has filed assault charges against you?

I would contact your lawyer first thing in the morning and tell him what you know.

I am pretty sure that is the case. Unfortunately I did hug her to calm her down. She's going to claim I hit her because of what brother in law is saying.

Did your sons witness this? Didn't you call the police afterwards?

Son saw it and I called the police to report it.

Alternatively, she may have made a report against your son and then intends to use it as leverage to force him to see her: "I'll drop the charges if you agree to come with me when it's my turn for visitation."

I have told MIL to shove it. The FIL won't contact me, Sister won't call me. Brother needs to be shut down. I have already blocked them all on social media. I am going to block their phone numbers.

This family enables this. I should have know 21 years ago and looked elsewhere.

Hi DeepSorrow, it sounds like you are having a really tough time. I'm so sorry. Here are somethings i have learnt from my recent experience with police and courts:

1. If someone says something about you that isn't true, deny it immediately, in writing if possible. If your brother in law has made you aware that your WW is telling people you hit her, you must respond that you did not and would not. If you don't deny something at the time, people will wonder why you didn't.

2. Get a timeline of events sorted out to give to your lawyer. These issues did not come out of nowhere and it is important that you give your lawyer the information to enable them to control the storyline that the police or courts hear. Sort out causes and consequences so that your WW cannot put forward her interpretation first. Having control of the interpretation of events is important. But make sure you stick to facts and events with no emotion.

3. Make sure you report everything that happens to all relevant people (again, in writing if possible) including your wife. I have needed to demonstrate to lawyers and police that I took action to make my husband aware of things that were happening, and that i gave him the chance to respond and intervene, before I took further action to protect myself and the children. I also needed to show that I had formally reported things to his employer and asked for their intervention before pursuing other avenues involving lawyers and courts. Being able to produce a paper trail that shows I did all this in a logical sequence has helped me a lot - and it provides a sharp contrast to the lack of logic of a wayward mind. Just always remember to report things without emotion so that no one can accuse you of being nasty for the sake of nastiness. You are trying to protect your family and all your actions and statements should reinforce that.

Just try to ignore people making you feel bad about yourself and your actions. It is really hurtful, but as long as you know you are doing what is right for your family and your children, you will be fine. All this negative noise will pass.

I filed the restraining order and the judge did not grant a temporary. He would only setup a hearing. She will be served, and she will not be happy. I expect her to retaliate.

I know there is some sort of police report filed on Sunday's incident, but I have not been talked to by anybody yet.

WW just texts me and says "I would like for you to stop talking bad about me to the kids"

The divorce agreement does have language that we are not to talk bad about the other spouse to the kids.

I was thinking about saying "I am not talking bad about you to the kids. I intend to follow our agreement."

I am worried about every communication with her now.

"I have not said anything bad about you to the kids. They resent your affair and what it has done to our family."

Failure to respond could be construed negatively so I would immediately send back a simple and brief denial. I would not mention her affair in your reply.

I have not said anything to them about you. They are very smart, observant young men. They are reaching their own conclusions and forming their own opinions all on their own based solely on your actions. I'm sorry their reaction to your affair is causing them so much pain but that is between you and them.

Bingo! Please send this response. Britsbrat is an attorney, btw

Here was her response.

"I know you have said things to them because they have told me. We need to get an agreement for custody or I cannot sign the house document yet."

Thoughts? Brits Brat?

We have an agreement for custody and are trying to follow it before the divorce is final. The kids are not wanting to follow it if she continues in her affair.

First, a disclaimer. I do not think I am licensed to practice law in your state so any comments I make are not intended as legal advice. They are personal observations or what you would find on your own through internet searches. You should seek legal advice from an attorney licensed to practice law in your state. What iis the house document? What have you told the boys outside her presence? Remind me what state you're in. Depending on The answers to those questions:

If you haven't said anything, I would respond to her with, "I'm really shocked they would say that. What do they claim I said? The only thing I've said to them is what I said in your presence when we told them you want a divorce."

With regard to visitation, I know this isn't practical, but most courts in most states presume parental control and hold that the custodial parent must control the behavior of their minor children in visitation situations and force them to participate in visitation. The theory is a custodial parent cannot justify inaction simply because a child refuses to cooperate with a visitation order or agreement. There is a very good, although a bit dated, law review article that addresses this: http://lawecommoms.luc.edu/chi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1267&content=luclj

I know you and she are trying to do this with minimal attorney involvement but I think it's getting to be time you have your own counsel and she has hers if that's what she wants.

DS, i agree with BritsBrat that you need to contact your attorney. In most states they are not going to force teenagers to visit a parent. Dr Harley believes they should not be forced. I would contact your attorney to get the house document signed.

Doesn't she need the house document signed in order to get her share?

It's just a change in the listing price.

Courts will not force a teenager to comply with visitation but they will hold the custodial parent in contempt; especially, if there's any inkling the other parent is disparaging the non-custodial parent, any other evidence of bad faith or if the custodial parent doesn't make best efforts to encourage a child to comply. DS, you really need to consult with an attorney in your state about this.

And have a separate lawyer from your WW.

I have an appointment with a lawyer on Friday.

You should find a neutral location for drop-offs, like a McDonald's. It would also help if the kids had toiletries and clothes at both homes so they don't have to pack for each exchange, they can just take a what they need for school.

You should get a journal to document interactions with stbx. Example, "4/27/17 took kids to 2nd street McDonald's for drop off. "

Apples - I've got the journal going. I have finally woke up to the fact that this cannot be handled informally.

Here's how I handled the communication. I decided to turn it back on her because she is not following the settlement/parenting plan.

I wrote, "We may need to talk to <lawyer> to understand the correct way to enforce the custody agreement with the kids. Your relationship with the kids (for which I can�t help them) is affecting our custody agreement. They were following the arrangement fine until Sunday, so I suspect something changed over the weekend. I do not know what exactly is going on at your house, and I do not want to know. Everything was fine when I dropped <13 yr old> off on Sunday. Then he shows up last night which surprised me, and I thought he was coming on Thursday. I asked him why he was home early, and he said you and <MIL> were talking mean about me, and it made him mad. If they bring you or your affair partner up, I am saying they need to discuss it with you or a counselor."

WW wrote back, "The kids seem fine when they are with me and then after they are with you then they act different. According to the divorce papers we are not supposed to talk bad about each other and we are to enforce/support the agreements. I don't feel you are doing that. We may need advice. Have you called <Lawyer> yet? It's been 30 days.

I wrote, "<17 yr old> told you the day he left that he would not live with you if you moved your affair partner into the house. If you moved him or his property into your house, then that is the reason the kids do not want to stay with you. This is between you and them. The agreement on the kid�s best interest extends to you, your mom, family and friends. You have not followed this. Lastly, the agreement also states that each party shall exercise good faith and due diligence in ensuring the sale of the real estate. You have been clear through phone calls and this email that you are NOT going to do this either. The property division has nothing to do with the parenting plan, and you are not following the agreement. So please sign the listing as we previously agreed to last Saturday. I want to work with you on these things, but I can�t help you with your affair partner and the kids. I�m sorry you are upset."

I guess I made her mad again. Just some background. She has moved OM's things into her house including his dog. Her plan is that he will be there when the kids are with me. Here's her response.

"I have not moved anyone into my house. They are mistaken if they think this and we need to discuss it.

The agreement on the kids best interest says you are not to talk bad about me and you have not followed this. I'm sorry YOU are upset about my "affair partner" as you call it and are making sure the kids feel exactly as you do since your words are coming out of their mouths.

You have not shown that you want to work with me on these things. And the custody agreement says nothing about anything regarding my house. You are not following the parenting plan, that is your job as a parent.

We will discuss the sale of the property when the divorce papers are final. Have you contacted the lawyer about this or do I need to?"

wow, she is completely oblivious to the fact that her affair has affected her kids! What incredible cluelessness! I guess she needs to be clueless so she can blame it on you. I hope you can get this divorce finalized QUICK.

this is perfect! You did a great job of outlining the problem.

She responded again on a separate email string with - "I will expect the kids at my house on Sunday please."


Here's what I am thinking about sending. I just want to make sure this is a good response to all of this. She wants me to force the kids to follow the custody schedule.

"Children typically feel the same as a betrayed spouse so please leave me out of it, and quit blaming me for the consequences of your choices. I have made every effort to have <13yr old> to you on time. <17yr old> is 17 and I cannot force him to stay with you, but I will ask <lawyer> what can be done when I talk to him.

What other things do you want me to work with you on?"

I think it's funny she doesn't like me referring to OM as her "Affair Partner".

Recomend leaving off the first sentence - you can't educate a wayward. It could also be construed as fostering negativity toward her with the children. The rest makes it sound as though you are trying to cooperate and encourage their visitation with her but, short of physically tying them up and transporting them to her, which may be considered child abuse, you don't know what else to do.

I agree, leave off the first sentence. Don't try to explain to her what children are like.

Done! Thanks.

DS, I would work very hard on getting the divorce finalized asap so you can move forward. Get er done and then the kids can tell her to take a hike!

Also, I think the line about counseling was great because it demonstrates that you are trying, however, in practice, you have to be real careful about taking your sons to "counseling" for normal behavior. Taking a kid to counseling for being normal gives them the impression there is something wrong with them. Your kids are perfectly normal. The only ones who needs "counseling" are their mother and grandmother.

Exactly!

I was planning on talking to a another lawyer tomorrow and then have the divorce submitted for judgement on Monday.

Do you think I should just have him submit today?

Can that be done??

What is the hold up? And what is the reason for seeing another lawyer? Not sure I understand.

Yes - Our 30 days is up today! I was going to talk to another lawyer tomorrow to see what to do about the kids & get a second opinion. I can still do that.

We actually did a change of venue to the nearby county so we do not even have to appear. I understand that a judge will only have to sign the settlement and a divorce decree will be issued.

I'm sure she wants to get this finalized so she can start getting child support. She is waiving her right to alimony which is a big benefit for me.

She also probably wants to lock down this custody agreement, thinking that I will not contest the custody and Child Support when the kids do not want to stay with her.

If she is waiving alimony strike now! You can always renegotiate the child support and custody after the divorce is finalized, but the option for alimony is gone forever once the divorce decree is signed by a judge. At least that's how it works in California.

Same in my state. There is also a provision in the agreement that she can never come back for alimony.

ML - do you agree too?

you bet!! Close the deal, dude!!

ok. Lawyers on it, he is trying to get it filed today.

My lawyer said 17yr old should technically follow the custody agreement, but the court would not be surprised if he didn't. He advised me to get him back on schedule for at least a couple weeks to get this finalized. After 30 days of the divorce decree, the lawyer will submit to have that custody changed.

The lawyer I think wants to show that the custody agreement is not working out when we file for custody.

The only problem with this is 17 yr old wants her to stop her affair. I'm not sure if going back is the right thing for that, but I don't know.

Divorce is filed for judgement. Lawyer said that the judge might sign it tomorrow or early next week.

Yea!!

yeah!!!! Good job!!

WW is a little nicer after she know this got filed and I am trying to work with her on my 17yr old son.

I wrote, "I called <lawyer> earlier. He says the divorce will be filed today. He says <17yr old) should follow it. I will see if I can convince him to get back on the schedule.

She wrote, "Ok, I think that we just need to work together on everything. Nobody else will be living at my house except me and the boys. I will do what is necessary to make the boys comfortable here. I think it's important to stress communication and if they are upset about something then they need to talk about it first before anything else."

She has moved OM's property and he is staying there when the kids are not. One factor in this is that her dad bought her a nice house that she's living in, and I believe he put stipulations that she can't have another man live with her there.

I don't think you should force your son to go if he doesn't want to. He is 17, doesn't he get to chose?

So then her dad's stipulation doesn't mean a thing since she's moved OM in?

He is playing nice long enough to get the divorce finalized.

Of course, good luck trying to get a 17 year old to do anything.

I wish I had shared this with you earlier, but when I drafted the marriage settlement agreement, I included in it that my girls would not live with their mother if another man was living in the home with her. She agreed and signed it. I am not sure if your wife would have agreed to that the way my exWW did, but it's always worth a try. Something for other BS's to consider who may be reading this.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

yup!

Of course, it won't be an issue if the teenage sons refuse to go there!

I talked to the other lawyer. She shut me down when she found out I was already represented. But she said a had a great case to get kids in the divorce. She said after divorce I have to show a change of circumstances for custody. She didn't seem as positive as my lawyer on getting the kids after divorce. I think my lawyer wanted 2 things. Get divorce final, and show that the oldest tried the custody agreement and it did not work out. I'm not sure the latter is that compelling though. I think WW was worried I would contest with OM having all kinds of legal problems (5 DWIs) and her recently getting one.

The other lawyer said 13yr old must follow the agreement.

This is all new to me. I didn't get OM in settlement because I kept the affair to myself until after she sign it. If I would have exposed before that, there would have been no uncontested divorce.

I hope I did all the right things. I'll let everyone know what 17yr old does.

Wouldn't the change of circumstances be that the kids don't want to live with her? I thought at a certain age they were able to be a part of that decision. Honestly with the 17 yo it's a mute point as he's going to do what he wants anyway.

I think you did the right thing in terms of getting a quick uncontested divorce with no alimony.

I think since my son is living with me already, it is not a change of circumstances, but it could be okay since he's 17.

I forgot to tell you all that my wife has been on and off of depression medicine for the past 10 years to medicate her issues. She would go off and have problems. Her mom always made her feel guilty and said she didn't need it. After the student in October, she went to the doctor, said she was bipolar and prescribe a medicine. Everything was better until February. I think she got triggered and quit taking her medicine. I had look at her medicine bottle that was a month old and there was more than half left.

I know this doesn't change my situation with the divorce, but I was wondering if others have had experience with something like this. I am curious if she could get back on medication, whether it would make it better for me and the kids? What's a good way to address this since she doesn't care what I think anymore? Although I've been around her a long time with this behavior, I don't know much about it. Also, she's drinking a lot which doesn't go along with the medicine.

I took 13yr old to WW house. I dropped him off where she wouldn't see my car and come out of the house and bother me. She immediately starts texting and calling about 17yr old to find out where he is (this is a typical weekly ritual).

I finally sent her this text to keep her from harassing me, "I talked to him about following the schedule. He is thinking about it. I am going to try to get him in there tonight. I have all his clothes cleaned and ready to go."

She sent me this text, "Ok. When I talked to him Thursday I said I would see him Sunday and he said ok. I would like him here by 5 so I can cook dinner and help him study for a test please."

I doubt he will go, we'll see. She will start harassing me again.

The last couple days have been sad for me. I've got to put her out of my mind. Once divorce is final, I am going to put pressure on her to sell our house, then I can be done with her.

Well she started getting mean when 17 yr old didn't come on time. I told her not to text me if she didn't have anything nice to say. Still not sure if he's going. We'll see.

Tell her you have tried everything you can think of and suggest she text and call him because maybe she can convince him if she speaks to him directly.

He finally went over to her house about 7:30pm (missed dinner). She called me 40 times in a row again. I thought she might break her personal record but didn't. I ignored her after she got nasty with me. I will use the advice on how to handle this next time around. Happens every week.

I do have an intermediary lined up now for when the divorce is final. I'm sure she still blames me that her kids do not want to stay with her. I'm so sick of this, and can't believe someone I loved would be this way.

You will feel so much better once you are in Plan B. I can't imagine what a toll living with a wayward for as long as you have takes. I am glad you are finally done with it and moving on to better things.

How do most betrayed spouses get over betrayal? Is there any other ideas? I guess Plan B is the answer.

Plan B will seem like heaven!

Then- start creating a life that you really want- get some new or old hobbies going.... work out, keep or make yourself fit, keep up with some good friends...
all of that helps.
I also prayed a ton and focused on being an amazing mom to my kids.

That will all help!

When will your divorce be final? How soon can plan B start?

Plan B is the recovery. The drama for you starts to come to an end when your contact with the wayward spouse ends.

The great thing about Plan B is that it is a dual track plan. If your spouse never gets a cranial rectal extraction, you are protected and recover and live happily ever after. If your spouse does come to their senses and wants to recover your marriage, and you want to recover with them, then you have been protected all that time and you still have a chance of feeling like doing it, so you can go through recovery and live happily ever after together. And if your spouse does come to their senses but you aren't willing to recover your marriage with them, you have had the chance to detach from them and start building a better life without them, and you go on to live happily ever after without the wayward.

The wild ride continues. My 13 year old was at WW's house. He walks into the bedroom and OM is there, "supposedly fixing her lawn mower". 13yr old calls me upset, she quickly takes OM back to his apartment which is not very far away. I come to get my son, and before I get there, he starts walking down the street away from her house. She stops and forces him into the car so she can keep him away from me. He doesn't want to go but he said she forced him into the car. She drives over to her mother's house while he is on the phone with me. She get's him in the yard and has him on the ground taking his phone away to hang up on me while I drive up.

My son gets into my truck and she starts saying she has filed assault charges on me and an ex parte (This is not true, she filed a police report only). MIL comes out to get involved, I immediately tell her that I am not talking with her and to go away. She says she is going to call the cops and I said go ahead. I tell WW that I am going to call the lawyer and contest the divorce. WW gets worried, argues with me and finally goes inside. 13yr old wants his phone back and goes up to the door, they want him to come in the house and start pressuring him for 15 minutes, saying if he stays, they will give him his phone back. He finally comes outside and get's into my truck. WW comes out and says he going with her. He says that he will go without his phone and we drive off.

13yr old tells 17yr old, and I guess my older boy told him he was not going back over there. WW texts me and tries to say we all need to calm down (worried about holding up the divorce). I finally call her and I talk about how she is ruining her relationship with the kids. She also tries to blame me for everything like a normal wayward, etc. She says she will now work with me on the house (which is just manipulation).

I then decide I want to fight for these kids and I don't care what it takes!!!!! I look at my email and the lawyer sends me the judgement. The judge signed the divorce!!! Now I don't know what to do with my youngest. He does not want to go back now. I will be in contempt of court regarding him if I don't give her custody. I think my kids just want me to tell them that I love them and that I won't let her put them through this. They are so confused because their mom is a whore and they know it is wrong. Youngest said he will testify that he wants to stay with me.

Maybe this is the right thing to happen with getting the divorce over, but I now have to wait 30 days on any custody change. I will call the lawyer in the morning.

I do take youngest to the police station. The cop says that since he left the house, he could be considered running away. Says he needs to stay there next time. He also said the parent has the right to take the phone. He suggested getting the custody resolved through court since he is 13 and pretty much can decide and the court will go along with it.

Call your lawyer this morning. Tell him what happened - especially WW having your son pinned on the ground.

If you snapped a few photos of this - or a video, I think it would go a long way to what you want. Your son, can also file a statement. His mother does not have the right to physically pin him to the ground - sounds like assault to me. I have a feeling that if you did that to your WW she would argue that that is what it was. But to be clear, I am not a lawyer, nor do I have any experience in this field, this is just my gut speaking.

DS, stop making them go there! If she comes to the house to torment them then call the police. You have done everything in your power to facilitate this visitation and she has done everything in her power to drive them away. This is ridiculous. I feel so sorry for your son.

I left a message for my lawyer, but he had to go to court this morning. I am going to see what he says.

Unfortunately, I did not get any video or a picture. I did witness and I am keeping a log of everything that happening on a daily basis. My wife is not diligent and kind of lazy, so she will not have the documentation that I have.

I am so sorry your children are going through this. I went through some of the same crap with my wayward mother when I was the same age, except back then there were no cellphones to call my dad with. My mother also would agree to not bring her POSOM over when I visited and then he would arrive the minute my dad had dropped me off.

I hope all of you are able to get some peace soon.

I do not make 17yr old go there. I don't want to get in trouble with the minor child.

She just texted me and said. "I want to work with you on the house. I also want to seek counseling for the boys and myself if you have any suggestions about that".

I am thinking that me telling her she was ruining her relationship with them must have sunk in. Or she's manipulating me, don't know really.

Will you really get in trouble? Is that true? I have never seen a parent get in trouble when a teenager refuses to visit his parent. NEVER. Not once in 16 years on this forum. Here is what Dr Harley recently said about this when 3 sons, aged 10, 13 and 16 refused to visit their wayward father:


I would first ask your attorney what he will do to protect your son and ask him how you are expected to FORCE a 13 yr old to do something he doesn't want to do?

Maybe the police can come and hogtie the boy to take to your wife?

I know of one situation in Ohio where the WH called the police when the teenage daughters REFUSED to get in the car and go with him. The police did nothing.


I would get her signature on any house papers asap.


I would keep telling her this and suggest that she stop forcing them. She is just pushing them away.

FYI my dad didn't get in any trouble when I refused to see my wayward mother. We dealt with it a little bit in court but there was nothing done to him.

Forcing the kid to go is a stupid strategy that is doomed to failure. She has already wrecked her relationship with her abusive, bully tactics. I would point out to her that she has some serious damage control to do.

And again, I would caution you about the counseling. There is nothing wrong with your sons and they should not be given that impression. Even YOU don't want to be around your wife. That is a normal reaction to a corrupt parent.

ML - I'm having trouble sending this text. She is spiraling downward, and I'm not sure if she cares for me to lecture her on the kids.

I had already talked to the kids about having individual counseling some time ago. But, I approached it that it was someone that they could talk to that wasn't their mom, dad, or anyone that had anything to do with the situation. I did not suggest it was something wrong, just someone that could listen. But, I'm not sure how they took it.

Point taken.

Thats really good, I just wanted to make sure it was not presented as their problem. We have had many instances where a WS dragged kids to a counselor to be told they should accept and "get over" the affair.

You have really good kids and I applaud you for teaching them right from wrong. My father was a serial cheater and my mother stood silent so I grew up hopelessly morally confused. I was taught adultery was a lifestyle choice, and nothing bad. Your kids know it is wrong.

I am sure that this is what my wife intends to do. I haven't responded to her suggestion yet.

My wayward mother did this. She also dragged my dad to a counselor to try to make him "accept" that their marriage was "over."

The kids are smart enough to know that it is the WS and the counselor who actually need counseling. But there are many counselors who see nothing wrong adultery.

I am confused about the status of your divorce. So it is filed, signed by the judge, a done deal? As in you are now legally divorced? Now you need to sell the house and your WW can just go along with that in a good will sort of way, or not? How long before you can get that deal done?

Was there anything written into the divorce about her not exposing your sons to OM?

Your wife lives in wayward crazytown, and I can't wait for you to get into a Plan B and be done with it. I only wish your sons could also Plan B her until she learns how to be respectful to them...

The older they get the more they can enforce their will and not see her unless she treats them right. I've been in "Plan B" with my own wayward mother for something like a quarter century now.

I talked to the lawyer. He said that WW called and left a message so he wanted to know what was going on. Again, he represents me and not her. she waived her right to an attorney. He talked to me and got the story first.

He called WW. My wife said that there are some things at the house that is hers and I won't let her in the house. He told me to try and work that out with her and let her come in while I'm there. I don't know how I feel about this. I have always told her tell me what you need, and I will bring it to you. She will want to clean me out.

She wanted to know if the divorce is FINAL, which he told her it was. She asked him if anything can be undone. He let on like according to the court, it was FINAL. He asked her if she wanted to change something, she said no, she just wanted to know.

He did not tell her that we plan to file a modification later. He said I will have to wait 30 days from the judgement.

He told her basically what you are saying Melody, that he knows the kids are having a hard time, and he advised her from experience not to force the kids, that it would backfire on her. He said I will have to see how she reacts. I asked him if the court would do something to me me if they didn't go, he said no. He did want me to try and get the kids to give in a "little". He wants her to think they are just going through the transition. I don't know how I feel about that.

WW seems eager to work on the house stuff earlier today, but now she think she won, and I expect her to go back and playing hard ball.

Lawyer is mailing out the judgement to her.

Some things in this message I do not like. I was ready to fight it out with her. I guess the bright side is I am now divorced.

I wish there was, but I negotiated the agreement before exposure. I will try to get that in on a modification.

WW did tell me that her father made her agree before buying her the house that she would not move a man into the house. So, is sounds like he understands what she is doing and doesn't necessarily like it. I hope he hears that her affair partner was at the house with Cameron. She is trying to hide it. Evidently, it sounds like she went to pick OM up and bring to house so that his car would not be outside.

That is an invitation to a fight. I would not do this. Instead, ask her what she wants and you will bring it there. She has no right to be in the house. And who will help her move the stuff out? Her OM? Her wayward mother?


So what is the plan now? Will you agree to support their refusal?

I absolutely agree with this Melody. I am not going to let her in the house. She would probably say I hit her.



I guess the plan is to support what the kids want to do, and tell my wife to not force them.

Boy howdy, I am scared for you and your boys. You may have answered this but do you have a little pocket recorder? I would try and keep all communication via text so you have a record and then have a recorder in your pocket in case she approaches you.

If she filed assault charges against you, how come you think you haven't been arrested? Man alive that will permanently destroy her relationship with her sons if she has you arrested. That will be very bad for her.

I have used my iPhone. I definitely need this for every communication.

She just filed a police report. My kids would be done in a major way if she had me arrested. I am surprised she didn't do it, so someone must had advised her of the consequences.

I dropped on her that I was not paying for the kids phones and car insurance. She has a little issue with that. I think she thought she would pocket the child support for herself.

Of course, I will help 17 year old with car and insurance if WW tries to punish him.

I'm a little sad that my marriage is over, my wife is an alien, and I was betrayed, but I will be better off. I look at this as another milestone.

i am so sorry. I thought on Monday that it must be a huge shock to be divorced. No matter the reasons, it is a sad thing and I sympathize with you. You have been through so much.

DS, you and your kids have my deepest sympathies. I'm hoping there are better days for you ahead.

I'll never forget the day my Dad's divorce was finalized. My wayward mother was remarried that very day. Also that day God brought a friend into my dad's life who had been through similar circumstances - over a decade later that friend performed my dad's wedding to my stepmother, and today I have a son named after him.

You sound like you have a good attitude, and I'm glad you are free.

I talked to 13yr old today and let him know that the divorce was final. He was disappointed because he wants the parenting agreement changed. I told him that I loved him and I would support whatever he wanted to do, and that I had to wait a few weeks, but I assured him that I was going to do this.

He said his mom is always angry and he can't reason with her. That's interesting that my 13yr old is that observant. Although I didn't say or do everything perfect fighting with my WW, I am thankful that my kids know that adultery is wrong.

WW got the summons for the restraining order hearing. She was mad. She said she decided not to file one against me.

WW wants in the house and keeps calling the lawyer about it.

There must be something specific in the house she wants to retrieve.

If you are forced to allow her in the house, I would make her itemize what she is planning to take, and request police presence to make sure she is only taking those items. I don't know if they do this, but it seems reasonable in a case where there is restraining orders and other incidences on record.

Scour that house top to bottom, under, over, behind air grates - everywhere. I agree with unwritten: there is something in there she wants and it's likely something she doesn't want you to find or know about. Also, make sure there are adult witnesses there - police if you can - to makes sure she can't claim you assaulted her.

I agree, there is something she is wanting. I have gone through the house, and can't see anything that she would really want unless she wants to take something important to me. Most of that I have already removed from the house. Makes me very curious. When I ask her what she wants from the house, she is very vague. I was thinking she just wants to control me somehow.

I will never trust being alone with her ever again.

I am wondering if there is money in the house. Is this typical from a wayward to stash some cash? I would have thought she would have gotten it already.

Like I said, search high and low, over, under, behind. Even look inside anything that appears to be something else.

Apparently not, which would explain why she is so desperate to get in there unsupervised and without restriction.

I'm positive she's got money in there or something of value she doesn't want to be forced to share.

How's it going?

I haven't found anything in the house yet.

WW continues to demand and threaten on other things but I haven't given in. With the uncontested divorce, we are supposed to divide things up and she has been difficult to deal with on the remainder. She continues to call the lawyer to complain.

I went to the hearing for the restraining order. She did not show up and the judge says that she was not served. She knew about it, so I don't know how that happened. It has been rescheduled.

She continues to want something from me, and will blow up text, emails, and phones for no reason. One day, I was in the middle of a meeting with my boss and she was doing that. I told her she has to stop and it is affecting my job. Today, she is being nice and respectful trying to work the remainder of things out. I'm not sure why she changed all of the sudden.

As for me, I am so much better emotionally and physically. I do not have the same feelings I did 3 or 4 weeks ago. I try to not see or talk to her and I get better every day. I can even tell that my joy is coming back.

any update? Are you ok?

DeepSorrow - I read through your thread, and I know its been a year. And as a BS I just want to say I think you did great under the most extreme pressure. I am sure I speak for many people when I say I hope you are doing well and you should be proud of how well you handled it.

Best regards,

1) get your intel.
2) FULL exposure. As you've discovered, if you miss a target the addiction goes to the very place you tried to spare. Not telling kids = affairs around the kids.

After you've done the basics, you can assess whether recovery is worth your while.

But the basic stuff of figuring out the landscape needs doing for you and your kids urgently.