I have been married for 20 years with its ups and downs. With my wife having multiple affairs and me putting the family through financial hardship with loosing multiple jobs.

Three years ago we could no longer afford our house, so my wife and kids lived with her mother until I straightened things out. During that time she started another affair and told me we were done. I got another high paying job, a new house, and a new car and my wife was willing to give our marriage another shot. Without ever really taking accountability to her affair.

After reading his needs, her needs, I tried very hard to meet her emotional needs but saw little effort from her. This frustrated me, so I kept trying. I then found out she was having lunch with a male coworker and never told me about it. I later caught them together at our private beach that he was not a member of. I was upset. But I had no definitive proof since what I had was circumstantial. She agreed to see a marriage counselor and they told me it was circumstantial as well, and that I need to let it go. This episode caused my numbers to go down at work and they had to let me go. Once again being out of work.

Six months later, being out of work but comng close to a new job. She tells me she wants out. Within two weeks she had a lawyer, wants a fast track divorce, and was moving to a new house. I offered to leave because I did not want the kids to go through the trauma of moving again.

When I moved out I told her that I did not want the divorce and that our marriage has survived much worse and there is no reason to throw the towel in now. She still wanted the divorce and I told her that we need to cease communications because I need to focus on upcoming job interviews and to get my head on straight.

I know it sounds like gibberish , but that's my story....my question is did I implement plan b wrong?

All essential info is found here:
Surviving an Affair - Start Here First

Men, do not leave your home!

A short answer to your question: for women it is advised to do a maximum of 3 weeks in plan A before they go into plan B. Men can last longer, six months is recommended and if you can keep it up, even longer.
So You need to go back to your home and go into plan A.

I can't move back in, we already signed paperwork for me to leave the house without considering it abandonment ..

I have done plan A for over a year, the only thing I failed on was loosing my job again

Hi nobitterness, welcome to Marriage Builders. You did the right thing in going into Plan B under the circumstances. I would also strongly suggest you aggressively go after the divorce so you can try to get a good settlement while she is fogged out. The time for Plan A is well over.

Have you considered getting on anti-depressants to carry you through?

Have you exposed her affair <s?> Has the divorce agreement been signed?

I think she is still in he fog

I have not exposed latest affair since it is only circumstantial evidence

We only signed non abandonment papers so I could leave the house

Should I not let plan b work before going through with the divorce

I very much agree you should let Plan B work while you get divorced. Don't wait to get divorced. You are going to get divorced no matter what, best to do it while she is fogged out and you can get an advantage..

Plan B is not intended to save your marriage. It will not save your marriage and is not intended to do any such thing. The purpose of Plan B is to protect your mental health, so it is working.

The only hope you have of ever having a marriage with this woman is if she makes a radical change in her lifestyle and agrees to affair proof your marriage and commit 100% to recovery. That is never going to happen, wouldn't you agree?

Have you checked her online phone records to see if there are a lot of calls/texts with this OM? Did you have any spyware on any of her devices? Do you know if this OM is married?

I have caught her over the years using several different tactics. The problem now, is that she now knows hem and covers her tracks much better this time around.

The OM is married

I do agree she needs to make a radical change, I can no longer handle the mental stress

But I was under the impression that plan B was another boundary to possibly achieve that radical change ...am I wrong?

Your handle is "no bitterness" and on someone else's thread you wrote that you are madly in love with your WW who has no regard for you and regularly tosses you out like child bored with an old toy.

Marriage at all costs is a broken road that you don't have to travel down. How many more years of your life will you give to this futile pursuit? Time to move forward and not look back lest you should turn into a pillar of salt.

I agree, I just thought I wait till divorce is final then move on. I need that time to work on my issues anyway

Yes, your personal recovery is a process that takes time. I'm sorry you're going through it. No contact will be a big help.

The only purpose of Plan B is to protect you from the mental and physical fallout. It is not going to bring her back. And you need to be asking yourself why you would want her back if your future with her is one of needless misery from serial cheating. That is not the type of marriage we save here. This is not a marriage at all cost website.

The best thing you can do is go aggressively after the divorce so you can get the best settlement while she is in a fog. You should obtain legal protection so you are not harmed any further.

That's interesting

That conflicts with what I read in his need her needs, as well with my conversation with Harley's office in the past

Plan B also worked for me in the past to end one of my wife's past affairs

But I do agree that I have to ask myself if I really want to go through this again.

Even if you going into Plan B did end this affair, obviously it is not enough. You know this by experience, having been through this before and ending up here again. If it is not followed by your WW committing to a full recovery program and a complete overhaul of her wayward lifestyle, it will happen again, and again, and again.

I think you have to ask yourself what your end goal is? Is it to end one of many affairs? If so are you prepared to play this game with her many more times? Or is it to have an affair proofed recovered marriage? If it is the latter, nothing other than her complete commitment to affair proofing your marriage will work, and I do not believe she will be willing to do this. Do you?

It does not make sense that a Plan B ended her previous affair. Women in general need to be woo'd back into the marriage through a strong Plan A. Plan B is the opposite of that. I suspect her last affair died a natural death or the OM dumped her.

I think you might have misunderstood the purpose of plan B. Dr Harley has always been very clear the purpose is not to save a marriage. [it doesn't] Nor does it end an affair. Plan B will protect the emotions of the BS while the affair crumbles, but it is does not "end an affair," per se.

That being said, it can sometimes motivate a MALE to try and save a marriage, but that approach does not work with a woman. [see How to Call it Quits]

I think you need to,at the very least to, contact the OM's BW with the information you do have.

There is a great deal of your history that you have not told us about.

When did you have a "conversation with Harley's office in the past"? What was going on in the marriage when you had the conversation? Did you speak to Steve, or to Jennifer? What was their advice?

How did plan B end "one of your wife's past affairs"? Again, what was going on in the affair? How did you execute Plan B - did you move out? How long did Plan B last? How did your wife prove to you that the affair was over? When was this?

How many affairs has she had?

I have never heard Dr Harley tell a poster to use Plan B as a means to end "an affair" when dealing with a serial cheater.

I have personally spoken to Dr Harley on the radio show and via his coaches (I have done the online program) about Plan B and also about my serial cheating ex WH. What he told me corresponds with what MelodyLane posted to you and with what is in his article about serial cheaters.

Look:
Link: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8122_serial.html

If your WW is not willing to do the program and implement EPs that will make a SSL and affairs IMPOSSIBLE, then you should just divorce her. It is really that simple.

Read this and listen to the radio clips at the end of the thread. Serial Cheaters

NB,

Your story isn't very different from mine, so I will share a part of it with you as it relates to your current struggle:

Like you, I did a Plan B and divorced my WW. When my wife's affair crumbled, we reconciled and remarried after she agreed to extraordinary precautions and implementing the MB program. Four years later she had another affair and left again. I am back in Plan B and I will not reconcile again. Like you, I believe in vows, and and that is why I chose to reconcile the first time. But I now see that she is a serial cheater, and I will not continue to be her victim. Betrayed spouses deserve much better than this.

As far as Plan B goes, here is my perspective. My first Plan B was a success, because I had left the door open for reconciliation during Plan A and in my Plan B letter. So my WW knew she had a soft landing place. During Plan B I was dark, but the door was left open. And when the time came, we had a beautiful--if temporary--reconciliation.

But when I discovered her new affair that door closed. Even though I wrote my WXW a second Plan B letter with a very loving tone, I didn't write it with the plan of reconciling with her. I do not desire reconciliation even though a part of me still loves her and even though it is very hard to accept the death of that which is most sacred: marriage. I am dark for life, and I am moving forward. It's been December since we last spoke, and we have been divorced since early March. I still mourn the loss of my marriage, but fits of despair and resentment are now fewer and farther between. It does get better once you cut off all contact. Though I am still deeply saddened by all that has happened, I feel at peace because I am no longer tethered to her harmful ways and I have taken the steps necessary to build a new life for myself--freedom--while at the same time enjoying the fullness of fatherhood with my two daughters. They are a blessing and so is my extended family, my friends, and the people I work with and worship with.

Your personal recovery is a process, and we have to accept the hurt and sadness that goes with it. But if you follow the plan, stay dark, and work on your personal recovery, stay strong and loving for you children, find meaning in your life outside of marriage, and count your blessings daily you will grow stronger and find true happiness down the road.

I wish you all the best.

I just want to make sure we don't add to his confusion about Plan B. He thinks the purpose of Plan B is to save a marriage and it is not. It does not and cannot save a marriage. [especially when it is a WW verus a WH]

What it can do is protect the mental health of the betrayed spouse. That can be valuable in many ways. For example, if a spouse has decided on divorce, it provides them peace of mind. If a BS decides to reconcile in the future, it protects their mental health while the affair dies a natural death. What it does not do is save a marriage.

Thanks! Your story has gave me great comfort. I believe I need to keep moving forward building a new life. The problem I have is that I keep looking back at all the great things we have done together .....hence the reason for my username

You can't live in the past. You are not the one demolishing the ideals you set for marriage and family. That is your WW's doing, and you can't control her. You can only control you.

I understand the grief you are experiencing. For me acceptance was the very hardest part of the grieving process. Accepting broken vows and the destruction of one's family comes very slow, if ever. But, again, you can't control you WW's actions and mindset.

As I said in an earlier post to you, don't look back. In the book of Genesis, Lot's wife looked back and was turned into a pillar salt. This biblical metaphor powerfully illustrates what happens when we let the destructive past hold us prisoner. Don't make the past your prison. Instead, build a strong Plan B and allow yourself to recover and find new freedom. If you do this the right way you will have solace and peace.

Well said

Have to respectfully disagree

It's well known that "no contact" helps erase negative memories and can cause the wayward spouse to reconsider

There is science behind it and many people have used this technique as a starting point to restore their relationship

Wooing a women causes you to chase them, which many find weak and repulsive

You are incorrect. I am not sure where you got this idea. It didn't come from Dr Harley. What Dr Harley does say is that the risk of divorce is HIGHER in Plan B because "out of sight is out of mind." It is easier for the other spouse to forget about her spouse. The entire purpose of Plan B is to protect the betrayed spouse from the emotional and physical fallout of an affair.

A post to a member on the private forum about Plan B:

In What is Plan A and Plan B:
Now, he does say that you should close your Plan A on a good note so that this is the last thing your spouse remembers, however, DR Harley never says that Plan B can lead to reconciliation, because it does not. here




This is completely contradictory to anything Dr Harley has said. He recommends that betrayed husbands COMPETE for their wives because that is the most effective path, if reconciliation is possible.

My suggestion would be to read his materials and/or email him at the radio show if you need clarity. You can reach him at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

Yes, I am one of those people. I have met Dr Harley, been through his program years ago and have been on this forum every day helping people for 16 years. I know the science and have a great marriage to prove it. Never does he claim that the purpose of Plan B is to restore a marriage. It just is not.

**EDIT**

Please familiarize yourself with the Marriage Builders concepts and the TOS. Our terms of service state that you will post Marriage Builders concepts and not personal philosophies.

I'm confused. If you just had an intimate date with your wife then you are not in Plan B.

To be clear NB, once no contact is initiated it is for life. If a spouse comes back and asks to reconcile and recover the marriage, then one does so with the assurances that the wayward spouse ends contact for life and Extraordinary Precautions are put in place. Otherwise, the betrayed spouse should remain out of contact and not break silence.

It sounds like you are being gaslighted by your spouse. I do not understand how you can possibly have recovered your marriage with all the history. This latest date sounds to me like another chapter in your very long and tragic ongoing saga.

Maybe. But I have nothing to loose by trying once more. Going straight to a divorce will cost me over $3,000 month in child support and alimony and at least $15,000 in legal fee's. I am a stronger man this time around without my emotions controlling fear. I am aware of my own flaws I need to fix, wether I am with her or not. She no longer has power to gaslight me since I am only looking for her actions not what she says.

I didn't say I recovered my marriage, but what I did do is make her attracted to me again.

Is it Dr. Harley formula, no. But "no contact" works in getting the other spouse to second guess themselves.

A reminder that the purpose of our forum is to discuss Marriage Builders concepts. It is not a platform for personal philosophies. If you have no intention of using these concepts we will lock this thread.

**EDIT**

You are reading the wrong book. Read Surviving an Affair.l

If you're not here to follow MB then why are you here?

Has your WW agreed to all the EPs?

Read this Please Explain Gaslighting