When is it an affair? - 08/07/17 06:16 AM
I'm stuck. But first the background: I am mildly autistic (aspergers) but was not diagnosed until recently. I live a normal life, except that I'm constantly confused and anxious about social and interpersonal relationships. I have been married for 16 years and have 4 children (7-13, so they're all in school). My wife has had depression for much of our marriage. She has been in cognitive therapy for the last few years, and recently was feeling well enough to got off her meds. We think at least some of the depression is because of my anxiety, but there is also a family predisposition.
At the end of last year, her sister and husband moved away, so we all took up World of Warcraft as a way of keeping in touch. Of course, my wife was immediately addicted. She played most of each day and had many friends online.
In March, she took an alone vacation to visit her sister at her new location. I was very supportive of this (she says that due to my aspergers, and the difficulty in getting my out of my comfort zone, she doesn't enjoy vacations as much when I'm there). She told me one of her WoW friends was there, and asked if I was okay with her meeting him for a lunch. Again, wanting to support her, and trusting her, I encouraged her. (I will call him D)
Around then, she also started exploring her sexuality (also at my encouragement). She purchased some toys. Some she told me about, and some she didn't. And also started reading romance novels-- mostly YA (like like Twilight) but also some really steamy titles.
Fast-forward to the end of April: she received a text and I off-hand as I asked if I could see it (seriously, just curiosity) She emphatically said "no"... one week later, we were preparing for a family vacation. After she was asleep, I tried to use her phone to find one of our other devices. On a whim I decided to check her text messages with D (remember, I was still trusting). I was very disturbed, because she had deleted all messages exactly one week before (corresponding nicely to when I asked to see). In the intervening week, she had spent considerable time researching dating websites (D was putting himself out there), they had had conversations that were mildly sexual, and she indicated that she looked forward to spending time with her on WoW. She also explained what due to the vacation she wouldn't be online for a week. Her explanation showed not just a lack of enthusiasm, but downright derision to the destination (Disneyland).
I confronted her in the morning. She said she had accidentally deleted the conversation. She said she has sometimes flirted with him, but never overtly seated (no pics). She says he's just a stranger and I shouldn't worry. She says she is not attracted to him physically. She was angry that I had checked her phone despite her asking me not to (she says she had told him/vented about our marriage she didn't want me to see). She was not remorseful at all. I asked why she didn't just leave me, and her only answer was that she was afraid of that (of being on her own, not afraid of me)
Needless to say, the vacation was stressful. We had some conversations about boundaries (I thought she violated them, she didn't agree) and the only boundary she would admit to was that "she's crossed the line if she ever finds she prefers him to me". I think that's crazy, because if you ever cross it, it's too late.
I started seeing the therapist again (the same one my wife sees-- she's a specialist in addiction, depression, aspergers, and marriages). We began laying some groundwork for couples sessions that would take place as soon as my wife calmed down enough to be receptive for them (estimate: a few months)
Another month passed. Things had seemed to be getting better (more/better sex, she quit WoW, etc.) and I had been trying to honor her request to not check her phone, but the possible scenarios wereeating me up inside so I checked it again. It wasn't a thorough check because I had to abort, but I saw more things that disturbed me: They said they missed each other ("I miss my WoW friend"). My wife was also sharing intimate details with him-- as in how I had really improved my sex game, but it just felt empty to her. (D replied that it sounded like she was falling out of love with me. She didn't reply to that.
I did not tell her I checked her phone, but told her that I could tell she was very unhappy and that something had to change (marriage counseling, or we would have to divorce. After a few hours, she chose "change". On the spur of the moment, we got my mom to watch the kids overnight and went away to a little bed and breakfast. This was a very nice date until the morning when I opened my big mouth with a Disrespecful Judgement about her romance novels (ugh... those DJs are my main weakness, and that's definitely due to how autism has wired my brain). She confronted me about checking her phone again (turns out she did catch me but didn't let on). She was furious that I had seen her thoughts that weren't for me, especially after she had made it extremely clear that I wasn't to check her phone. And he's just a stranger that she talks to for a neurotypical (NT) perspective about our marriage. And she can't trust me... But she will still do marriage counseling.
Fast forward until two days ago. I was walking towards her and noticed her hide the phone and then suavely opened a game she plays. When I was next to her she enthusiastically showed me a new level. When she was done showing me, I asked if she had been texting when she hid the phone (she admitted "yes") and who (she also admitted she was texting D). I asked her if she had sent him a specific innuendo she had recently made to me (which was very similar to her earlier banter with him) and she said she had not sent that, but it would be fun to (??).
On the advice of my therapist (she replied to me because this constituted a crisis for me) I tried to ask her about her relationship to D-- since I thought we were doing better, she would not need a NT perspective. She told me D was her friend, and that she hasn't violated any boundaries she set for herself. She would not elaborate on the boundaries. When I asked what we should do if we had different boundaries, she said that she felt I was controlling her and I just need to trust her. And she does not like me looking over her shoulder and prying into her texting.
*phew*
So here's the question: Does this sound like an emotional affair in full bloom, or just a budding one? I want to check her phone again to see what their recent interactions have been. However, if I am caught, she will be beyond furious. I personally agree with the "don't trust your spouse" advise here, but my wife is requiring me to trust her. If I show that I don't (by checking), I think I t will be such an incredible love buster that I don't think we'll be able to recover... So how do I square the two needs (her need for me to trust her even though I think I shouldn't, and my need to investigate), and what do I do that will have the greatest chance of success?
AFAIK, our therapist is still planning on our first couples session in 10 days, and one of us will be telling the other of an emotional need that is not being met. The therapist will decide who goes first based on which of our various needs is the most dire.
I really love my wife. I really miss when she would share her intimate thoughts with me. I don't want to lose our family. We're just getting to the point (kids are old enough) where we can finally start having some real fun together.
At the end of last year, her sister and husband moved away, so we all took up World of Warcraft as a way of keeping in touch. Of course, my wife was immediately addicted. She played most of each day and had many friends online.
In March, she took an alone vacation to visit her sister at her new location. I was very supportive of this (she says that due to my aspergers, and the difficulty in getting my out of my comfort zone, she doesn't enjoy vacations as much when I'm there). She told me one of her WoW friends was there, and asked if I was okay with her meeting him for a lunch. Again, wanting to support her, and trusting her, I encouraged her. (I will call him D)
Around then, she also started exploring her sexuality (also at my encouragement). She purchased some toys. Some she told me about, and some she didn't. And also started reading romance novels-- mostly YA (like like Twilight) but also some really steamy titles.
Fast-forward to the end of April: she received a text and I off-hand as I asked if I could see it (seriously, just curiosity) She emphatically said "no"... one week later, we were preparing for a family vacation. After she was asleep, I tried to use her phone to find one of our other devices. On a whim I decided to check her text messages with D (remember, I was still trusting). I was very disturbed, because she had deleted all messages exactly one week before (corresponding nicely to when I asked to see). In the intervening week, she had spent considerable time researching dating websites (D was putting himself out there), they had had conversations that were mildly sexual, and she indicated that she looked forward to spending time with her on WoW. She also explained what due to the vacation she wouldn't be online for a week. Her explanation showed not just a lack of enthusiasm, but downright derision to the destination (Disneyland).
I confronted her in the morning. She said she had accidentally deleted the conversation. She said she has sometimes flirted with him, but never overtly seated (no pics). She says he's just a stranger and I shouldn't worry. She says she is not attracted to him physically. She was angry that I had checked her phone despite her asking me not to (she says she had told him/vented about our marriage she didn't want me to see). She was not remorseful at all. I asked why she didn't just leave me, and her only answer was that she was afraid of that (of being on her own, not afraid of me)
Needless to say, the vacation was stressful. We had some conversations about boundaries (I thought she violated them, she didn't agree) and the only boundary she would admit to was that "she's crossed the line if she ever finds she prefers him to me". I think that's crazy, because if you ever cross it, it's too late.
I started seeing the therapist again (the same one my wife sees-- she's a specialist in addiction, depression, aspergers, and marriages). We began laying some groundwork for couples sessions that would take place as soon as my wife calmed down enough to be receptive for them (estimate: a few months)
Another month passed. Things had seemed to be getting better (more/better sex, she quit WoW, etc.) and I had been trying to honor her request to not check her phone, but the possible scenarios wereeating me up inside so I checked it again. It wasn't a thorough check because I had to abort, but I saw more things that disturbed me: They said they missed each other ("I miss my WoW friend"). My wife was also sharing intimate details with him-- as in how I had really improved my sex game, but it just felt empty to her. (D replied that it sounded like she was falling out of love with me. She didn't reply to that.
I did not tell her I checked her phone, but told her that I could tell she was very unhappy and that something had to change (marriage counseling, or we would have to divorce. After a few hours, she chose "change". On the spur of the moment, we got my mom to watch the kids overnight and went away to a little bed and breakfast. This was a very nice date until the morning when I opened my big mouth with a Disrespecful Judgement about her romance novels (ugh... those DJs are my main weakness, and that's definitely due to how autism has wired my brain). She confronted me about checking her phone again (turns out she did catch me but didn't let on). She was furious that I had seen her thoughts that weren't for me, especially after she had made it extremely clear that I wasn't to check her phone. And he's just a stranger that she talks to for a neurotypical (NT) perspective about our marriage. And she can't trust me... But she will still do marriage counseling.
Fast forward until two days ago. I was walking towards her and noticed her hide the phone and then suavely opened a game she plays. When I was next to her she enthusiastically showed me a new level. When she was done showing me, I asked if she had been texting when she hid the phone (she admitted "yes") and who (she also admitted she was texting D). I asked her if she had sent him a specific innuendo she had recently made to me (which was very similar to her earlier banter with him) and she said she had not sent that, but it would be fun to (??).
On the advice of my therapist (she replied to me because this constituted a crisis for me) I tried to ask her about her relationship to D-- since I thought we were doing better, she would not need a NT perspective. She told me D was her friend, and that she hasn't violated any boundaries she set for herself. She would not elaborate on the boundaries. When I asked what we should do if we had different boundaries, she said that she felt I was controlling her and I just need to trust her. And she does not like me looking over her shoulder and prying into her texting.
*phew*
So here's the question: Does this sound like an emotional affair in full bloom, or just a budding one? I want to check her phone again to see what their recent interactions have been. However, if I am caught, she will be beyond furious. I personally agree with the "don't trust your spouse" advise here, but my wife is requiring me to trust her. If I show that I don't (by checking), I think I t will be such an incredible love buster that I don't think we'll be able to recover... So how do I square the two needs (her need for me to trust her even though I think I shouldn't, and my need to investigate), and what do I do that will have the greatest chance of success?
AFAIK, our therapist is still planning on our first couples session in 10 days, and one of us will be telling the other of an emotional need that is not being met. The therapist will decide who goes first based on which of our various needs is the most dire.
I really love my wife. I really miss when she would share her intimate thoughts with me. I don't want to lose our family. We're just getting to the point (kids are old enough) where we can finally start having some real fun together.