All,

I have been reading through the forums and have found Dr Haley's advice very, very good.

I am essentially debating if my marriage is worth trying to save. There are a lot of mitigating circumstances; kids, mental disorder, and her affair was with a co-worker.

My wife/WW and I have been together for about 13 years. Married for 4. We each had children from prior relationships but the kids have been with us for most of there lives (21, 20, 16).

The biggest issue is that my wife was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder about 5-7 years ago. We had been living together and were engaged. However we had a lot of issues (I had cheated early on, she had abandonment issues and been physically abused as a child, some crazy fights)...se we started going to counseling and then when the issues/fighting became intolerable we separated and did individual than couples counseling with a new therapist.

Things improved. The separation seemed to work...along with counseling. We decided we could handle marriage and I re-proposed. We have had a pretty good (in hind-sight maybe not) marriage for 3+ years. There were a few small signs of discontent and some red flags (intimacy became less frequent, in the last 9 months seemed obsessed with her new job, lots of working late, being on her phone, etc). This past January she stopped sleeping in bed with me and told me she needed "Alone time" to figure herself out.

Throughout Jan/Feb I wrote her emails and tried to talk to her; asking to understand what was missing and expressing my desire to repair things...invest in our love bank, go back to counseling, schedule recreational activities together, etc, She declined. In February she told me she wanted to move out, to have a trial separation. As my suspicions grew and I started to push her on what was really happening she broke down and told me share had an affair in early March...(I had found some evidence and pressed her and she finally caved).

She told me she didn't mean for it to happen but that the OM fulfilled her and understood her better than anyone she had ever been with (she has only had a couple truly serious relationships so our therapist says she may not even know what she truly wants). This was incredibly painful but TOTALLY aligns with BPD.

The guy works with her. Seems to be extremely controlling and manipulative. I have exposed the affair to her Mom, her best friend (who also works with her), and a few others. NOT to the OM wife. I am concerned about losing leverage in a divorce and possible retaliation. I did send him a message and told him to end it.

Initially I wanted to try to work things out with her. Forgive her and use the affair to recommit to work on the underlying problems. She moved out mid March and into an 8 month leased apartment and left me holding the bag on a large home and expenses. She has since emailed a few brief things to me essentially stating that she can never forgive her self nor expect me to forgive her and we should not "drag things out". I am considering filing for divorce. The kids are older and being relatively stoic. It kills me to know my dream life that I worked so hard (not hard enough?) is over.

I think it's over for a lot of reasons: I do not think she has cut things off completely with the OM...in fact a mutual friend told me she said that the OM is obsessed with her facebook and mine. Last weekend she deleted all her social media.

I have been through a roller coaster of emotions over 13 years with this woman. The last 4 was relatively good...but as my therapist has explained...smooth sailing isn't necessarily what people with BPD need to thrive on...their patterns tend to include volatile relationships, abandonment/rejection, alternating with impulsive immersion into risky sex, spending drinking etc. I think I am at a point where I am realizing that I cannot fix this and while I love her and her son (and she my girls)...I am not sure if it's in anyone's best interest to get back ON the rollercoaster.


The therapist also told me that IF she decided to work on things it will take a long time to work on her and us. At some point (I'm 49) I have to wonder...is it worth fixing the same car that continually has the same problems? Have I been too optimistic and too addicted to trying to fix her? Too dependent on how I defined myself by this relationship? Can I just move on and what do I need to learn from this? When should I even consider dating? I have done a lot of soul searching and feel like I'm relatively self aware (or I wouldn't be here)...reading Dr Phil (lol), Dr. Haley, listening to pod casts, taking the emotional needs questionnaire etc.

I am curious if anyone else had been through this sort of a relationship? What did you do? Any advice? Feedback?


John

Hi JC, welcome to Marriage Builders. Whether you decide to end the marriage or not, you should expose the affair. You are missing a potential opportunity for saving your marriage by helping the affairees keep their secret. The problem with being an enabler is that you are not only hiding the affair for the OM and his girlfriend, but you support and enhance the affair fog with your silence. Exposing the affair wide and far will have a terrible effect on the affair and likely will kill it. It will also provide a much needed dose of reality. It will be much harder to negotiate a divorce with a fogged out wife who is shagging some married man.

The greatest chance you have at saving your marriage is exposure. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret only helps it thrive and grow. You do have a chance at saving this, but you need a more serious, strategic approach. There is absolutely no benefit to enabling an affair. You said you wanted to use the information as "leverage" against the OM, but all you would be doing is giving him your battle plan while he goes further underground. Smarter to expose and bust up the affair.

Please read the exposure 101 thread in my signature.

Seconded. Exposure provides accountability for her and support for you.

The step by step is here:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583

Are you going to expose her affair?

If you listen to the radio show for any length of time, you will find out that Dr. Harley places very little stock in diagnoses of any type of personality disorder. It is generally a bad idea to psychoanalize your spouse, and the ice gets even thinner when you are operating under a personality disorder-based theory.

Actually, your wife�s affair sounds pretty typical. I suggest that you stop trying to explain it, and concentrate on executing the steps needed to kill it.

I appreciate the links and I have some reading/thinking to do...

This is a workplace affair and they both work at a school. Obviously this could affect my wife's livelihood as well as that of the OM (who is married to a person he worked with at a different school and is 20 years older than him).

The affair HAS been partially exposed; My wife's mother, step father and brother know as well as her best friend who is an administrator at the school where this is taking place. A mutual best friend is also aware and a few other friends. She has generally removed herself from all our former social circles, including deleting all her social media (I beleive at the behest of the OM).

My reasons for not exposing it further:
1) None of the people who have learned of this so far have had any success after confronting my wife and telling her "You are making the biggest mistake of your life"
2) The OM could retaliate...I'm told he is stalking me on social media....I do know who his wife is, where she works...this is my "trump card" for exposure and I believe would def mplode the affair
3) My wife has told me that "She doesn't want anything from me in the divorce"....this could be beneficial financially as I am planning to file sooner than later.
4) She has also told me that "She can never forgive herself or expect me to forgive her for what she has done". I believe she is being controlled by the OM.
5) Regarding the diagnosis...everything I have read is spot on and I have no reason to question a trained doctors first hand diagnosis. It also lends me to feel less inclined to jump back into the chaos...

***EDIT***

If you plan to keep their secret so they can save a little job, this is hopeless so you should plan to divorce. There is nothing we can do for you if you are determined to enable the affair.. Best of luck...

Well these are the all the classic mistakes a frightened betrayed spouse usually makes.

1). An ineffective 'trickle' exposure to just a few people just pisses the waywards off and makes you look like a bad guy. You need all eyes on this problem and you all need to stop pleading with her individually. What kind of intervention is that?

2)Being afraid of the OM stalking you..oh dear. OF COURSE HE IS. He's screwing another man's wife and OM are generally cowards. He will carefully watch you to see what you're going to do. In this case, nothing.

3) Listening to anything a wayward says is just dumb.

4) Yes she is. And worship of a stupid job is going to keep her trapped in this situation.

5) Her diagnosis simply means she needs MORE help, more eyes on the problem and more assertive action than if she were otherwise mentally well. All waywards go off the rails and stop taking care of themselves.

As someone who works in a school myself, I'm shocked that you arent going to expose them there. People need to know what's going on when kids welfare is involved.