Exposing my secrets - I am the WS - 07/21/18 12:32 PM
Hi
I know that most of you posting here are the betrayed spouse. I am the wayward spouse. I am reading Surviving an Affair.
My affair was exposed last August. My husband saw a fairly innocent message in my phone that I could have denied but I come clean and told him I had met someone. My affair lasted two months. We met physically twice. It became an emotional affair. I ended it after I told my husband but I didn�t end it in my head... I held on to emails and messages and photos and was even stalking my ex lover on line. I also held onto other secrets of other infidelity. I thought what my husband doesn�t know, can�t hurt him.
My husband and I went to couples counselling but she never pushed for full disclosure and at the time my husband was too afraid to ask for fear of what he might hear, so I stayed quiet because I didn't don�t want to hurt him if he wasn�t ready to hear. I was also terrified of telling him all the horrible dirty dark secrets, in case I lost him forever.
I have always loved him so much. Sounds so hypocritical doesn�t it? How can you love someone and still do something so terrible to them? Just like the typical scenarios is the book, we were not fulfilling emotional needs and we had been neglecting our marriage for years. Loneliness, lack of affection, long work hours, working away from home etc. I had pleaded with my husband to work on the marriage with me but at the time, he wasn�t willing. This is not an excuse for me having an affair! I had choices!
Instead of making the strong persons choice to leave my husband. I made the weak persons choice to fulfill my emotional needs elsewhere... of course now I know, you can�t do that, it doesn�t work.
So now we are both in a place where we are sitting in the fence. We are fairly amicable but there is a lot of fear on both sides. We are living together with our son in our family home, but there is no trust. I am still holding onto more secrets which he knows I need to tell him. I have told him that there is more I need to tell him but I am so scared. I feel dirty and ashamed, I feel like I am a slut. I am terrified of full exposure. I don�t want my parents, my children, my friends to know what I have done, I don�t want them to judge me and think that I am such a terrible person. I feel so ashamed.
I have counselling - I have a history of rape and abuse and overwhelming anxiety over shame and guilt.
I am desperate to tell my husband everything because I do want to give our marriage every chance I can for it to not only to survive but to properly thrive.
All I have ever wanted is the marriage described in the book. A secure, loving, affectionate, attentive, happy, fulfilling marriage and I know that to do that, there can be no secrets.
At the moment, my husband can�t tell me if he does want to work in saving the marriage. Should I get absolute confirmation from him that he does want to save the marriage before I fully disclose? I am scared he just wants all the truth so he can use it against me to tell everyone so they hate me.
I am so scared but I need to do the right thing.
Any advice?
I know that most of you posting here are the betrayed spouse. I am the wayward spouse. I am reading Surviving an Affair.
My affair was exposed last August. My husband saw a fairly innocent message in my phone that I could have denied but I come clean and told him I had met someone. My affair lasted two months. We met physically twice. It became an emotional affair. I ended it after I told my husband but I didn�t end it in my head... I held on to emails and messages and photos and was even stalking my ex lover on line. I also held onto other secrets of other infidelity. I thought what my husband doesn�t know, can�t hurt him.
My husband and I went to couples counselling but she never pushed for full disclosure and at the time my husband was too afraid to ask for fear of what he might hear, so I stayed quiet because I didn't don�t want to hurt him if he wasn�t ready to hear. I was also terrified of telling him all the horrible dirty dark secrets, in case I lost him forever.
I have always loved him so much. Sounds so hypocritical doesn�t it? How can you love someone and still do something so terrible to them? Just like the typical scenarios is the book, we were not fulfilling emotional needs and we had been neglecting our marriage for years. Loneliness, lack of affection, long work hours, working away from home etc. I had pleaded with my husband to work on the marriage with me but at the time, he wasn�t willing. This is not an excuse for me having an affair! I had choices!
Instead of making the strong persons choice to leave my husband. I made the weak persons choice to fulfill my emotional needs elsewhere... of course now I know, you can�t do that, it doesn�t work.
So now we are both in a place where we are sitting in the fence. We are fairly amicable but there is a lot of fear on both sides. We are living together with our son in our family home, but there is no trust. I am still holding onto more secrets which he knows I need to tell him. I have told him that there is more I need to tell him but I am so scared. I feel dirty and ashamed, I feel like I am a slut. I am terrified of full exposure. I don�t want my parents, my children, my friends to know what I have done, I don�t want them to judge me and think that I am such a terrible person. I feel so ashamed.
I have counselling - I have a history of rape and abuse and overwhelming anxiety over shame and guilt.
I am desperate to tell my husband everything because I do want to give our marriage every chance I can for it to not only to survive but to properly thrive.
All I have ever wanted is the marriage described in the book. A secure, loving, affectionate, attentive, happy, fulfilling marriage and I know that to do that, there can be no secrets.
At the moment, my husband can�t tell me if he does want to work in saving the marriage. Should I get absolute confirmation from him that he does want to save the marriage before I fully disclose? I am scared he just wants all the truth so he can use it against me to tell everyone so they hate me.
I am so scared but I need to do the right thing.
Any advice?