Good Day
Let me introduce myself my name is Mervyn, my Wife & I were married before immigrating in 1970.
Our first child was born in 1971 my first affair started in 1972 which lasted +/- 6 years. My lover�s husband found out & threatened to beat me & tell my Wife.
I told my Wife it was a few month�s which she believed also my Wife received a letter from an unknown source stating she was in the way of getting together.
I told my Wife the letter was not true as we just had a planned baby which she believed. When I owned up to the affair I told her was a couple of month�s & did not mean anything.
Unfortunately in the last couple of month�s my Wife discovered the length of the affair after 40 years.
What we thought we had worked through surfaced again & my Wife should have been given choices as you can see that was not the only one.

My wife & I have been married for 48 years (I am 74 & my Wife is 66)
of which I would say +/- we have had 10 good years.
I have had two affairs dating back to the mid 70�s early 80�s one was with a co-worker which lasted around 6 years which I have described above.
The other one was with my Wife�s youngest Sister which lasted a few of month�s this happened while she was living with us.
I left our bed while my Wife was sleeping to have sex with my Sister in-law in our daughter�s bedroom.
My TRUSTING Wife though I was coming from the toilet as I was naked climbing into our bed, she was told by her Sister a year or later that I forced myself on her. My Wife believes me and has proved it was an affair, I was 38 or 39 at the time.
My wife found me out on both occasions after I had lied about both.
When asked why I did it I told her I was selfish & greedy & did not expect to be found out,I was in my late 20�s early 30�s.
My Wife after some time forgave me for what I did.

At the end of last year I was viewing pornography on the internet when my wife caught me after we had worked through all that lieing.
After a very special afternoon I went to a Club Meeting ended up in the bar a women member of the Committee, bought the two of us a drink.
When I got home later than I promised maybe an hour my Wife was concerned & I got angry with her & my wife asked why because she was waiting for me
to finish of our special day & I lied & was found out again, it was a stupid lie as I had no interest in the woman.
My Wife was angry because I choose to have a drink with another woman while she was waiting patiently at home.
In our 48th year my Wife said �I still chose the other women while I was at home alone�
Recently I also misled a woman who thought I had intentions towards her giving her the impression I wanted a relationship, this was not the case
from my side.

My Wife became very angry & asked if I had learnt nothing from my previous indiscretions.
Although the affairs stopped over 40 years ago my Wife pointed out I did not need to have sex as watching pornography & flirting with women still lead to
Infidelity. During this time I could not explain to my Wife why I turned away in our bed at night for nearly 2 years & still can�t give her an answer.
Fours years ago another Sister came to visit who had recently spilt up with her husband, we flirted & my Wife asked us not too which I ignored.
My Wife was deeply hurt again, we managed to have good days & bad days until My Wife found out recently how long the first affair lasted, unfortunately
I told her intimate details of the affair in my quest to be truthful after I was asked to protect her & not discuss such details.
My Wife has become a very angry person I sometimes do not know as the memories keep coming back to my details of the indiscretions & I don�t blame her.
We are both going to church & we have had interactions with our Pastor.
My wife would like to save this marriage because she tells me she still loves me but we are having anger issues.
I want to save this marriage as I am deeply in love with my Wife any help or guidance will be greatly appreciated as your book �HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS� does not help with My Wife�s anger with herself and me. I want the marriage to continue & get better.
Trusting this will receive a favourable response.
M L

What in the world is there to save here? You have been incredibly cruel and abusive to your wife for YEARS and don't seem to care about that. It is obvious you have no intention of changing.

What is here for your wife other than years more of abuse? The typical affair that we see is a one time event where the cheater sort of falls into it because of poor boundaries. You are very different in that you are out looking for action and could care less about the pain you cause your wife.

How many affairs have you had? And have you been tested for STDs?

Your wife is ANGRY and scared because you HAVE NOT STOPPED.

You are like a man who beats his dog daily and asks why the dog keeps barking. You have to stop beating the DOG!

mervynl1:

The affairs you had 40 years ago were impulsive acts by you, possibly when you were drinking. Our advice to those who have had such failures in their lives are to eliminate the conditions that made those affairs possible. Were your latest indiscretions also done while drinking? If so, I would encourage you to completely stop drinking any alcoholic beverage as a way to prove to your wife that you mean business. It will also help you control your impulse to cheat on your wife. Otherwise, she will be living in constant fear, never knowing when the next affair will take place. I'm sure that there would need to be other precautions put into place to help you avoid any further incidents, but alcohol is often a major issue when it comes to infidelity.

Dr. Harley

Hi Dr. Harley
Thank you for your response
Drinking was never an issue.
i planned our meetings during working hours in the first affair and at home with the second one.
When i was caught out we worked through it with a Counicellor and my wife and i had couple of happy years.
My wife often asked why i was unfaithful i could not give her a reasonable answer and to this day i do not have one.
After a few's years i strayed again although no sex acts took place. My wife found out recently the affair was not 2 months but 6 years
after we had a planned second child. My wife feels our marriage has been one big lie and feels betrayed again.
What can i do to fix this so she feels safe as she is an emotional wreck and her anger knows no bounds.
she is angry with herself and naturally me.
Any advise will be greatly appreciated for both of us.
Kind Regards
Mervyni

Hi Melody
I have had 2 sexual affairs one with a co- worker the other my wife's Sister.
yes have been tested but no STD's found.
over the years i have had flirtations however none came to anything.

Mervyn, the reason you were unfaithful is that you had poor boundaries around women. And you still do! This is going to be unbearable for your wife.

Flirtatations are still affairs. Emotional affairs are just as painful for your wife as sexual ones. Blowing off your wife for the dubious honour of having a drink with a woman is a date. An illicit one you had to hide because you know it's not ok.

There seems to be some pride on your part if you manage to avoid having sex in your affairs, but no one's going to give you a medal for having such little restraint that you can't even turn down a drink.

Do you feel remorse for these affairs? The thing that might be triggering your wife is you seem to see the problem is her *unfortunately * knowing the truth. Whereas her knowledge has actually probably prevented some sexual affairs because you know she'll ask where you've been.

If you make a habit of being more open and honest with her, leading a more transparent life, it's highly likely that you can prevent the emotional affairs as well as the sexual.

Her sister? Dude.

Make this right.

^^^^ Exactly. What extraordinary precautions are you going to put in place?

Read What is Just Compensation? and listen to the radio clips.

Because you have poor boundaries around women along with inappropriate communications. Married men should not be "flirting" or going to bars with women.


And she is right. You compounded the crime by adding years of LIES to it. Your marriage has been one big lie. And it still happens with your recent foray with a woman in a bar.


STOP doing things that make her feel unsafe. STOP flirting, STOP being alone with women, STOP going anywhere without your wife. END all opposite sex friendships. Since you are a serial cheater, you should be together 24/7.

Do either you or your wife still have contact, with her 2 sisters, that you had affairs with?

Hi no i don't have contact with the one he had sex with while i was asleep in our bed on more than one occasion.
The other sister was not interested and told me my husband was player,
i'm the stupid wife in this who never learns, just found out last 3months how long it lasted after not remembering for 40years i now have heard from 1st date to colour of underwear the sex positions
to say i am an emotional wreck on my way to see therapist and hopefully i will get a life i'm 66years of age been with this man since before my 16th birthday .
When i originally found out about his 1st lady friend was told it lasted a couple of months i told him if he wanted to go please go i don't want a man who would rather be
somewhere else he stayed why i don't know he says family i'm not sure if it was his children as we had one child and a planned pregnancy while affair was going on he said
then and now he loves me i asked what does that mean (love)
I don't know if this marriage can survive as he still doesn't know how deep this hurt is,
For him it was over 40years ago but its all that has happened between now and then no respect and trust long gone,we have a wonderful family and grandchildren who love him dearly.
From Mervyn's wife

Hello Mervyns wife!! Welcome to Marriage Builders. I am very glad you are here. Would you mind registering your own account and starting up your own thread so we can post to you? We can help you much more effectively that way. thanks..

Hi Melody
Thanks for your reply.
Saw that i was registered but i am unable to activate account clicked on link and my husband log in appears.
How do i resolve this
Thanks

Have you tried logging out of your husband�s account before you click on the link?

You should have received an email to the email address you used with the activation link. Did you receive the email? Check your spam folder. Click on that link and it will activate your account.

Hi
Received e-mail and i clicked on the link but nothing happened.
Got my husband to log out and tried again no success.
Shoud i perhaps re register and see what happens
Please advise.
Thanks

Looks like you got it to work, because you�re logged on as mervyn�s wife??

Hi
How do i login to Forums once you have logout.
Thanks

Hey Mervyn.

Could you let us know how you are proceeding with the following items? How many have been checked off?


This should not take more than a couple days.

hi Indiegirl
Thanks for your help with login please reply you received this post.
Many Thanks
Mervyn

Hi Mervyn,

We can all see your post.

We can help with your checklist if you number what's been done and what's still outstanding?

How does that sound?

Hi All
Glad to be back on the Forum.
I have done the following on the checklist as follows:-
number 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 n/a, 10,11 not sure what it means,12.

I have seen the error of my ways and the hurt I have caused my Wife.
I am trying to make things better by being more thoughtful and putting my Wife first.
I know I have a long way to go in repairing my marriage, i go to church regularly and attend Bible Class once a week.
Our Pastor has been a tower of strength to both of us.
We still have our good days and bad, i am working hard to improve my relationship with my Wife.

The Forum has been fantastic support to my Wife and I thank you all.

What do you mean 1-9 are not applicable?

I think he means number 9 is not applicable: that he doesnt need to change jobs because no workplace affairs.

Mervyn that item also means geographical relocation; are you sure you do not need to relocate to avoid affair partners? What distance are they from you? Same town?

You say you're not sure on 10: "Avoid overnight separation" it just means not taking any trips without your wife.

For 11 "Allow technical accountability" This means your wife should have your passwords for computers, accounts and phones. She should be able to check things out whenever she likes.

I am retired so no 9 does not apply and i do not need to relocate.

number 10 i am happy about.

yes my Wife has access to everything

Thank you for clarifying no 11

What about going out without her, going to bars, and having female friends? You recently went to a bar with a woman and were accused if flirting with another? What is being done about that?

You should not be going ANYWHERE without your wife, much less going to bars.

Hi Brainhurts
Only number 9 is not applicable as i am a pensioner.

Hi Melody
The only place I go to without my Wife is to pick up my granddaughter from school most days.

Going to bars does not happen anymore as we go together except for above.

Today was not a good day, lost my self control and told my Wife her sister did not love her and having sex with her meant nothing.to me although i left our bed to have sex with
my sister in law.
This after i told her first affair also meant nothing even though it lasted years,my Wife says i need to respect women i'm being intimate with
This deeply hurt my Wife as nothing could be further from the truth.i regret saying those words to my cost.
i try so hard not to retaliate as i always end up on the wrong side of the argument.
i want to refrain from retaliating in the future, does anyone have any suggestions how i can overcome this as i want to make things better with my Wife
who i dearly love.
I know i have a mountain to climb in order to win her back after all that i have done wrong.

How did this conversation even come up? The aim is to focus on the present and the future. You should not be rehashing the affairs between the two of you.

Who raised the topic and for what purpose?

The conversation shouldn't arise, but since it did I dont approve of the wording. Don't try to get off the hook by telling your wife that its ok for you to have sex with any women you don't love. That is a deeply worrying idea.

I am confused as to why you would need to �retaliate� against the victim of your crimes??

Your wife is a victim here. She is in incredible pain. The fact that you intentionally say untrue things to retaliate against her and hurt her more is very cruel.

Hi Indiegirl
My Wife raised the topic to remind me of my indiscretions

I agree with your comments entirely they make sense. i will in future take your advise and think of the present and future only.l

You are quite right i should not have been so insensitive, thank you for your comments much appreciated.

Hi Indiegirl,
P. S.
Although my Wife brought the subject up says i made her feel she was of no value.

So you are TRYING very hard to make her feel she has no value. And you are succeeding! What can you do to change that?

Your wife said you said this:


Don't EVER tell her to "get over it" again. That's selfish and cruel of you to say. STOP BEING CRUEL AND SELFISH. When she brings it up, you need to hug her and say "honey, I am so sorry I did this. Please forgive me."

Honestly, you don't deserve to have a spouse. If you were my spouse, you would have been faced with my pistol a long time ago. STOP BEING CRUEL.

Hi Melody
I value my Wife very much as she is the rock in this marriage and always has been throughout. I am giving my Wife the love and attention she deserves.
I know I have a long way to go to regain her trust. We keep taking one step forward then three steps back. I will take your advise above and hope it will lead to a much better
relationship.

We keep drifting back to past instead of the present and future only.

I know it is very difficult for my Wife to let things go as I keep arguing with her. Today we had a massive argument and I put my Wife through hell and said things which I know
hurt her feelings terribly and I know I should have been more thoughtful and understanding. I am very sorry I said the things that hurt her and I beg her forgiveness.

Break a glass. Say sorry to the glass. Does the glass heal?

Telling you are sorry isn't enough. Don't break the glass. Stop saying hurtful things.

In addition to having multiple affairs, you are having angry outbursts towards your wife and continuing to hurt her. What is your plan to STOP doing this?

I don�t see any reason why your wife should stay in this marriage right now. You have had a string of affairs and continue to be dishonest about them, and you are following that up by repeatedly telling us that you lost your temper and said things with the specific reason to hurt her. Why do you think your wife should stay in this marriage?

what do you classify as multiple affairs?

Because she still cares for me in her own way.

More than one!



How many people did you expose to?

Who are those people?

What was their reaction?

....because you sound very cavalier for someone who has just shocked and horrified everyone they care about..

I would care if I had a recurring bomb in my home. I would care about that bomb a lot.

I would tiptoe and make it the very centre of my existence. Until I finally got rid of it.