Second Time Here - 09/19/18 04:31 PM
Hello. I haven't been on here since 2012. I couldn't find my old thread if it even still exists. So quick background. My husband and I had some marital problems for years before he had a full blown, long term affair. While I was aware of the problems and accept my part in them, I was still blindsided by the affair and struggled for a long time with trust, self esteem, resentment. We came through that dark time and progressed as a couple. While our marriage has not been perfect since then, the passage of time and better communication brought about almost pre-affair trust levels. We can still argue and get frustrated with each other's perceived shortcomings, but I felt like we were in a fully-committed marriage. We spend a lot of time doing fun things together and he sends me vacation ideas and house listings routinely as we are in the market. Our physical relationship is not as good as we would like. We have grown children and he has been a good father, is a professional success, and takes good care of himself. We have a good life with family and friends.
Yesterday, I received an email from his former mistress that included a copied portion of an email he sent her from a secret email account apologizing for contacting her last week to "reminisce". She apparently told him she had no interest and he apologized and said he would not contact her again. So, I have been in a bit of a tail spin emotionally. We talked yesterday and he said he needs more from our marriage than I am currently giving him. He feels I am not enough of an emotional support for him and I am not there to listen to him. He says he needs something to change with us. He said he does not have feelings for this woman anymore and he knows it was stupid to contact her and he is sorry for it. I have been unable to talk much about things yet. I know many of you will say we can work through this and perhaps you are right, but my question is Should we? Is there a point where you should just accept that you cannot give your partner what they need and that there are too many red flags to go on? I am feeling pessimistic about the notion of a major trust setback and all those resurrected feelings of inadequacy. Anyway, thought I would see if I could get some insight here.
Yesterday, I received an email from his former mistress that included a copied portion of an email he sent her from a secret email account apologizing for contacting her last week to "reminisce". She apparently told him she had no interest and he apologized and said he would not contact her again. So, I have been in a bit of a tail spin emotionally. We talked yesterday and he said he needs more from our marriage than I am currently giving him. He feels I am not enough of an emotional support for him and I am not there to listen to him. He says he needs something to change with us. He said he does not have feelings for this woman anymore and he knows it was stupid to contact her and he is sorry for it. I have been unable to talk much about things yet. I know many of you will say we can work through this and perhaps you are right, but my question is Should we? Is there a point where you should just accept that you cannot give your partner what they need and that there are too many red flags to go on? I am feeling pessimistic about the notion of a major trust setback and all those resurrected feelings of inadequacy. Anyway, thought I would see if I could get some insight here.