My Husband’s Erratic Behaviour-MASSIVE “RED FLAGS” - 01/24/19 10:58 PM
I found Marriage Builders 3 months ago & have been reading through the Articles,
/Counseling Advice, reading in �Surviving an Affair� forum in that time. Purchased �Surviving an Affair� book, read 1/2 way through ( last night).
Very hard to keep this brief but I will try. (I�ll do my best with MB�s abbreviations).
Together since 97�. Moved in together 98�. 2 DD�s (teens now).H left me during my 1sr PG, 1 twin DD died in stillbirth. 3 miscarriages after. Separated in 03� for 4 months due to domestic violence (on his part. He attended AM & AA counseling, but admitted in court of �only going through the motions�. H admitted to a �1 night SA� during that time. Married in 2012.
I caught H in a massive lie in June 2017 (6 months after death of my Mother. Her 2 year Memorial is TOMORROW. ZERO EMPATHY from my H for her passing, we cared for her in our home 1 month before she died in hospital.
My Dad passed in 09�. H both parents alive.).
In June 17� H kept telling DD�s & I he had to go work out of town, 10 hrs away, stay overnight in hotel.(He has worked many times out of town, at times up to 2 weeks),in the 14 years within this company,during our 21 years together (in construction).
Something seemed �off� to me. He seemed overly �happy� when talking about going out of town/staying overnight. Told us he was working with a group of guys, said name of foreman.
A few nights before he left I looked into his work phones contacts/emails.
I found he was talking to a female co-worker several times. But her work phone number, was under a male contacts name/email. RED FLAG #1.
(My research showed she had been working at H�s company 2&1/2 yrs at that point).
I kept calling him all the way through his trip. I kept telling him I felt that he wasn�t being truthful to me.(I can always feel when he is lying. It is unbelievable how much he lies to DD�s & I).
2 hrs before he arrived at hotel he admitted that the �foreman � is actually female. Then admitted no other crew going up.
I asked him to NOT HAVE DINNER OR BREAKFAST WITH HER. He said he wouldn�t but admitted that he did both, only admitting to me after I kept asking him on the night he arrived home.
I only sent this woman an email 3 months later, as he was acting erratically upon further questioning. I spoke in the context that I was �giving her benefit of doubt� in that she may not be aware of his �infatuation� of her. I explained how he lied about the trip in June, how he was HIDING HER NAME/EMAIL under a males name (who was not even working at company�s by that time). I stated that my H ;...�behaves very differently at work than he does at home to me & DD�s�. I tried to state calmly but said a few things I shouldn�t have. Ended by stating I would not contact her
again UNLESS I found out in any way my H was acting in any way other than in a �professional manner only� with her.
One week after my email to her, H called me to tell me he had been ...�told by a supervisor that (he) has to go into HR DEPT., to talk about something�. He asked what I did. I told him about the email. Told him NOT TO SIGN ANYTHING. He refused to speak to me thereafter IF he went to speak to anyone. Then Later stated no one called him into HR.
The night he came home from overnight in hotel in June 17� with �OW�/coworker, he was calm in answering my questions. Told me that she talked about her...� Mom & brother who live in New Zealand�.Stated �I didn�t do anything with her�. Other than work/dinner/breakfast. (Later that week I was upset & told him that he should leave our home for at least a few days bc he hurt DD�s & I too much.he refused).
A few months thereafter he refused to answer further questions. Now it�s �I refuse to to talk to you any further about her, to you or anyone else. I�ve told you nothing happened. I didn�t do anything wrong �.
Last summer 18�, I found email between H & OW, showing that she was arranging to meet him at the storage yard, in order to get a ride back to main building. Upon asking H about it, he stated company gave her a company truck to use but stays at storage yard & she needed ride back to main building where her personal car was. H says that was the ONLY TIME HE DID THAT FOR HER.
I found emails in his work phone, Last November 20/21st/18�, that showed the female coworker (now a �supervisor�) was assigned to a job site two hours away & that he was assigned to deliver products to that site. I tried talking to him about it. He became angry & on those 2 days, SHUT OFF HIS WORK PHONE GPS LOCATION TO ME & DD�s. Refused to talk to me.
In the past 3 months I tried talking to H about MB,s counselling, I asked if I could order �SAA� which he agreed. It arrived last Thursday. I asked H to start to read
/start to apply the principles, he wouldn�t talk to me. Worked in our garage the entire weekend.
I am feeling �alarmed� bc of H�s erratic behaviour in the past 3 weeks. In my trying to do ,�research� into accounts, it tipped him that I was trying to sign into accounts. He started changing accounts over to his workplace email address/changing passwords to even accounts I previously had entrance into for years.
I found out awhile back that he has a gmail address that I asked him to terminate 3 yrs ago. He told me he did.
I found out 2 weeks ago that he has had a workplace �blog� account. He even added the main page �start up� at same time we met up with him after work (Saturday, extra work, GPS confirmed he was at location he said he would be, I heard the voicemail from the male foreman re:that job confirmed).
I couldn�t find anything much in the personal blog. 1 post. From last summer. He is following 10 people, but only 6 showed up (1 female from office, his older brother who works there (his younger brother works there as well), & 4 other male coworkers.
BUT H HAS NEVER SHOWED ME THAT �BLOG� from his workplace.
On January 7/19, H had a workplace required meeting, that lasted all morning. (I saw the confirmation email from HR, a specific female. She is his �main HR contact showing in his BLOG details). Then he stated he worked rest of day. (Had his phone off all morning). That �OW� name wasn�t showing in the �attendees� list. The meeting place is held at a HOTEL, every year, same place.
In past 2 weeks H has changed all accounts over to his workplace, (from our family shared IPad that he always complained should be �his� as I have an iPhone (his & DD�s GIFT for my birthday in 12�, DD�s share a mini iPad. Our computers hard drive broke last summer, have not replaced yet).
He has changed all passwords (which he does every time he gets angry).
He has slept on the couch for 5 nights in past two weeks after I try to communicate with him, he gets mad, tells me ...�I�m not doing this with you anymore�. NIGHT�.
He took off on me at 2am last Thursday morning, stayed in his truck in a parking lot until work at 6:30am. Changed accounts/passwords then.
I grabbed our iPad while he was asleep on couch next evening,refused to give back as he was acting erratically. I wanted to try to install a �Data Monitoring� software, but the iPad started losing charge & died before I could.
UNBELIEVABLY, I updated the IOS software on my phone on Sunday, added a new passcode, forgot it bc I am so tired bc I can�t sleep at night from worry, & I have been LOCKED OUT OF MY PHONE SIINCE SUNDAY.
(I have so many screenshots for �proof� of his behaviour (changing acckunts/passwords�).
I handed it to H last night to show him proof, (in spite of my knowing he was only �acting nicely� to me until he got it), he got it to start charging. THEN HE SLEPT ON COUCH, HIDING THE IPAD/HIS WORK PHONE & WORK IPAD, WALLET & KEYS.
I kept pleading with him to �come clean� to me, about WHATEVER HE IS HIDING, NO MATTER WHAT IT IS�. He kept saying�I�m NOT LYING OR HIDING ANYTHING. I�m just sick of you trying to MONITOR ME ALL THE TIME�.
Told me;�You�ll get the iPad back WHEN I,M DONE GETTING ALL MY INFO OFF OF IT�.
I kept telling him to please not go buy a new iPad as we are tight on funds. Though I asked him two days ago if we could look for & possibly purchase a new computer tower. He said �yeah we could go look�.
But I doubt it will happen now.
H informed on Monday, that...it looks like I�ll be looking for a new job bc the company just cut off all RRSP.s & overtime�, he mentioned it again to me yesterday.
after work. (I SAW THE EMAIL CONFIRMATION IF THAT ON IPAD BEFORE IT DIED & SENT TO MY EMAIL).
My apologies for any typos as I am typing this on DD,s mini iPad, taking very long, hard to have to share this with DD�s (I have been honest with both DD�s since �OW� scenario, & always, regarding their Dads lying, deception & erratic behaviour. That I am not doing anything wrong by expecting their Dad to be HONEST & NOT DECEPTIVE WITH US ALL.
(I am being told that I ...�have to learn when to stop talking about things�, by H as well as DD�s, as I tend to try talking after H goes to bed, which then escalates bc I am so tired of being stonewalled/intimidated by H to BE QUIET ).
APOLOGIES for this being long, hard to condense.
I just hope I don�t lose all the photos/�research on my phone, in trying to break through passcode (taking to computer expert tomorrow).
THANK YOU TO ALL.
*I�m braced for the �2x4�s�.
/Counseling Advice, reading in �Surviving an Affair� forum in that time. Purchased �Surviving an Affair� book, read 1/2 way through ( last night).
Very hard to keep this brief but I will try. (I�ll do my best with MB�s abbreviations).
Together since 97�. Moved in together 98�. 2 DD�s (teens now).H left me during my 1sr PG, 1 twin DD died in stillbirth. 3 miscarriages after. Separated in 03� for 4 months due to domestic violence (on his part. He attended AM & AA counseling, but admitted in court of �only going through the motions�. H admitted to a �1 night SA� during that time. Married in 2012.
I caught H in a massive lie in June 2017 (6 months after death of my Mother. Her 2 year Memorial is TOMORROW. ZERO EMPATHY from my H for her passing, we cared for her in our home 1 month before she died in hospital.
My Dad passed in 09�. H both parents alive.).
In June 17� H kept telling DD�s & I he had to go work out of town, 10 hrs away, stay overnight in hotel.(He has worked many times out of town, at times up to 2 weeks),in the 14 years within this company,during our 21 years together (in construction).
Something seemed �off� to me. He seemed overly �happy� when talking about going out of town/staying overnight. Told us he was working with a group of guys, said name of foreman.
A few nights before he left I looked into his work phones contacts/emails.
I found he was talking to a female co-worker several times. But her work phone number, was under a male contacts name/email. RED FLAG #1.
(My research showed she had been working at H�s company 2&1/2 yrs at that point).
I kept calling him all the way through his trip. I kept telling him I felt that he wasn�t being truthful to me.(I can always feel when he is lying. It is unbelievable how much he lies to DD�s & I).
2 hrs before he arrived at hotel he admitted that the �foreman � is actually female. Then admitted no other crew going up.
I asked him to NOT HAVE DINNER OR BREAKFAST WITH HER. He said he wouldn�t but admitted that he did both, only admitting to me after I kept asking him on the night he arrived home.
I only sent this woman an email 3 months later, as he was acting erratically upon further questioning. I spoke in the context that I was �giving her benefit of doubt� in that she may not be aware of his �infatuation� of her. I explained how he lied about the trip in June, how he was HIDING HER NAME/EMAIL under a males name (who was not even working at company�s by that time). I stated that my H ;...�behaves very differently at work than he does at home to me & DD�s�. I tried to state calmly but said a few things I shouldn�t have. Ended by stating I would not contact her
again UNLESS I found out in any way my H was acting in any way other than in a �professional manner only� with her.
One week after my email to her, H called me to tell me he had been ...�told by a supervisor that (he) has to go into HR DEPT., to talk about something�. He asked what I did. I told him about the email. Told him NOT TO SIGN ANYTHING. He refused to speak to me thereafter IF he went to speak to anyone. Then Later stated no one called him into HR.
The night he came home from overnight in hotel in June 17� with �OW�/coworker, he was calm in answering my questions. Told me that she talked about her...� Mom & brother who live in New Zealand�.Stated �I didn�t do anything with her�. Other than work/dinner/breakfast. (Later that week I was upset & told him that he should leave our home for at least a few days bc he hurt DD�s & I too much.he refused).
A few months thereafter he refused to answer further questions. Now it�s �I refuse to to talk to you any further about her, to you or anyone else. I�ve told you nothing happened. I didn�t do anything wrong �.
Last summer 18�, I found email between H & OW, showing that she was arranging to meet him at the storage yard, in order to get a ride back to main building. Upon asking H about it, he stated company gave her a company truck to use but stays at storage yard & she needed ride back to main building where her personal car was. H says that was the ONLY TIME HE DID THAT FOR HER.
I found emails in his work phone, Last November 20/21st/18�, that showed the female coworker (now a �supervisor�) was assigned to a job site two hours away & that he was assigned to deliver products to that site. I tried talking to him about it. He became angry & on those 2 days, SHUT OFF HIS WORK PHONE GPS LOCATION TO ME & DD�s. Refused to talk to me.
In the past 3 months I tried talking to H about MB,s counselling, I asked if I could order �SAA� which he agreed. It arrived last Thursday. I asked H to start to read
/start to apply the principles, he wouldn�t talk to me. Worked in our garage the entire weekend.
I am feeling �alarmed� bc of H�s erratic behaviour in the past 3 weeks. In my trying to do ,�research� into accounts, it tipped him that I was trying to sign into accounts. He started changing accounts over to his workplace email address/changing passwords to even accounts I previously had entrance into for years.
I found out awhile back that he has a gmail address that I asked him to terminate 3 yrs ago. He told me he did.
I found out 2 weeks ago that he has had a workplace �blog� account. He even added the main page �start up� at same time we met up with him after work (Saturday, extra work, GPS confirmed he was at location he said he would be, I heard the voicemail from the male foreman re:that job confirmed).
I couldn�t find anything much in the personal blog. 1 post. From last summer. He is following 10 people, but only 6 showed up (1 female from office, his older brother who works there (his younger brother works there as well), & 4 other male coworkers.
BUT H HAS NEVER SHOWED ME THAT �BLOG� from his workplace.
On January 7/19, H had a workplace required meeting, that lasted all morning. (I saw the confirmation email from HR, a specific female. She is his �main HR contact showing in his BLOG details). Then he stated he worked rest of day. (Had his phone off all morning). That �OW� name wasn�t showing in the �attendees� list. The meeting place is held at a HOTEL, every year, same place.
In past 2 weeks H has changed all accounts over to his workplace, (from our family shared IPad that he always complained should be �his� as I have an iPhone (his & DD�s GIFT for my birthday in 12�, DD�s share a mini iPad. Our computers hard drive broke last summer, have not replaced yet).
He has changed all passwords (which he does every time he gets angry).
He has slept on the couch for 5 nights in past two weeks after I try to communicate with him, he gets mad, tells me ...�I�m not doing this with you anymore�. NIGHT�.
He took off on me at 2am last Thursday morning, stayed in his truck in a parking lot until work at 6:30am. Changed accounts/passwords then.
I grabbed our iPad while he was asleep on couch next evening,refused to give back as he was acting erratically. I wanted to try to install a �Data Monitoring� software, but the iPad started losing charge & died before I could.
UNBELIEVABLY, I updated the IOS software on my phone on Sunday, added a new passcode, forgot it bc I am so tired bc I can�t sleep at night from worry, & I have been LOCKED OUT OF MY PHONE SIINCE SUNDAY.
(I have so many screenshots for �proof� of his behaviour (changing acckunts/passwords�).
I handed it to H last night to show him proof, (in spite of my knowing he was only �acting nicely� to me until he got it), he got it to start charging. THEN HE SLEPT ON COUCH, HIDING THE IPAD/HIS WORK PHONE & WORK IPAD, WALLET & KEYS.
I kept pleading with him to �come clean� to me, about WHATEVER HE IS HIDING, NO MATTER WHAT IT IS�. He kept saying�I�m NOT LYING OR HIDING ANYTHING. I�m just sick of you trying to MONITOR ME ALL THE TIME�.
Told me;�You�ll get the iPad back WHEN I,M DONE GETTING ALL MY INFO OFF OF IT�.
I kept telling him to please not go buy a new iPad as we are tight on funds. Though I asked him two days ago if we could look for & possibly purchase a new computer tower. He said �yeah we could go look�.
But I doubt it will happen now.
H informed on Monday, that...it looks like I�ll be looking for a new job bc the company just cut off all RRSP.s & overtime�, he mentioned it again to me yesterday.
after work. (I SAW THE EMAIL CONFIRMATION IF THAT ON IPAD BEFORE IT DIED & SENT TO MY EMAIL).
My apologies for any typos as I am typing this on DD,s mini iPad, taking very long, hard to have to share this with DD�s (I have been honest with both DD�s since �OW� scenario, & always, regarding their Dads lying, deception & erratic behaviour. That I am not doing anything wrong by expecting their Dad to be HONEST & NOT DECEPTIVE WITH US ALL.
(I am being told that I ...�have to learn when to stop talking about things�, by H as well as DD�s, as I tend to try talking after H goes to bed, which then escalates bc I am so tired of being stonewalled/intimidated by H to BE QUIET ).
APOLOGIES for this being long, hard to condense.
I just hope I don�t lose all the photos/�research on my phone, in trying to break through passcode (taking to computer expert tomorrow).
THANK YOU TO ALL.
*I�m braced for the �2x4�s�.