Marriage Builders
Posted By: Wokeup2 Successful Recovery / seeing both sides - 02/18/19 02:47 PM
Hello everyone, I'am not new to the boards (Wokeup), in fact I was here over 18 years ago suffering the unthinkable, my wife having an EA with an old high school boy friend. It was the days of the cell phone just starting to come around and the computer the main way of communicating in my case. I came back to let you all know, I pray and think about the poor souls in the battlefield on these forums and want you to know finding this site was a blessing in your life. I'am now completely recovered and my wife and I have gotten past one on the most painful periods of our lives thanks to Dr. Harley and hard work. I use the tools learned by being on these boards and the various books I have read written by the good doctor daily in my life, at work, with my children, and with my wife. I'am a 58 year old male and my wife is 57. I have found the 40's our hardest years, trying to raise kids and not paying attention to one another is probably the easiest way to lose love units. We are both high school sweet hearts, and dated when we were dancing in the late 70's and early 80's, we were dance partners taking lessons together. Well, we again went to dance lessons, after the affair was discovered, against my wife's wishes at first, but I insisted, and that turned out to be the best thing in my opinion that put us back on the track. We attended ball room lessons, went to workshops in New York State, and slowly fell back in love fully. We used baby sitters for the kids, and slowly her old boyfriend became less and less of an issue. Today her old boyfriend has passed away, but she ended her contact with him prior to that.

I did not come here to tell of my full recovery, but to let you know of something that has recently happened to me these past several months that will give you a view into both sides of the "jaws of infidelity". I'am about 5 years away from retirement at my main job, and wanted to pick up a part time job in something that I enjoy, carrying it into my retirement. Well, when I started the new part time job I meet a young girl that was absolutely stunningly beautiful, she reminded me of my wife in a way when she was in her 20's. The girl is not yet a U.S. citizen and spoke Spanish very well. Her and I worked together very closely over the past few years, mind you I only see her once a week for 5 hours in this part time job, and that is it. I helped her make more money at the job, advised her of how things work in America, and generally guided her on many issues.

A few months ago she started acting silly, singing me love songs, and asking me very personal questions, then speaking to me in Spanish on occasion. Well, I went home remembering the accents and words she was saying when I left and looked them up on the computer. She was telling me "I Love You" in Spanish. I was in shock, my mind was racing back to how the hell could this happen? Could just innocently speaking to a person, showing concern and care put so many love units in the bank to get her to this point?, well it did. Here I'am a survivor of the jaws, and I'am now coming closer to the trap myself. So, I researched stories of teacher, student affairs, and how they developed, and read one story of the male teacher being invited over to the girl students house alone one day and she opened the door with a robe on and only panties and a bra underneath.

I pictured that in my case, and asked myself, what I would do in that case? My first thought was "I don't Know". Now I was scared even more, went back to Dr. Harley's letters and advice and read that "emotional brain, takes over logical brain in affairs". That my friends, is extremely scarey, the good doctor went on to say "If you think It won't happen to you or you can handle it, you are double in trouble". So the main lesson here is, as you recover, you are being judge and jury to your spouse for cheating on you. But, if you are put into the same position you too will, and I mean will, be drawn towards the jaws. Fortunately, I have now removed myself from working closely with this girl by going out into the field instead of the office, so I see her less and less. I thank god for, knowing what I know, because the draw to go back is very strong and I was amazed how your brain starts to over ride your common sense. I love my wife very much and we enjoy a very good sex life, but still the animal brain wants more. I hope this gives some insight into what still can happen even after a full recovery. The relationship is a very fragile thing that must be looked at constantly and protected from those jaws. Reading what can happen, is not the same as actually experiencing it. Lesson learned and still learning...

I wish you all good luck in the recovery process, because in the end, the hard work is really worth it. God Speed.
Welcome back to MB. Have you told your wife about this girl? You should. You should also quit that job and never see her again. You can see the affect working with her has on you and this is a dangerous and slippery slope. Acknowledging it here does not eradicate it, the only thing that does that is to never see or speak to her again. You have worked hard to recover your marriage, no part time job is worth jeapordizing that.
Posted By: Wokeup2 Re: Successful Recovery / seeing both sides - 02/18/19 04:10 PM
Unwritten, I'am fully aware of the situation, and well schooled in the Marriage Builders way. It was this education that stopped me dead in my tracks and not moving forward. I now see her only a few minutes a week if that and really love the job. It was just the experience that really woke me up of what Dr. Harley preaches. I can see how good conversation along with recreational time (which I never once had) can really be the one two punch. Like I said reading about it is one thing, but experiencing it is a totally different learning aspect.

Yes, my wife is aware of her coming on to me and laughs, it is kinda crazy. But I do take it very seriously. I just wanted to let the people suffering on these boards today know that if they were in the same situation as there wandering spouses, they too would be pulled toward the "jaws of infidelity". that is a fact. Also, everything I learned thru Dr. Harley is right on target. He truly is a wealth of information, and is spot on.
I helped her make more money at the job, advised her of how things work in America, and generally guided her on many issues.

Hi wokeup, welcome back. One of the most important things I have learned in Marriage Builders is a) that is can happen to anyone and b) how important it is to develop boundaries around the opposite sex. I have learned to avoid all discussion of personal issues with male coworkers and to keep it strictly business. In your case, you were mentoring a female co-worker which, as you have learned, crossed an important boundary for a married man and led to feelings on her part. I am happy that you became aware of this before it got out of hand. And congrats on your marriage!
Posted By: Wokeup2 Re: Successful Recovery / seeing both sides - 02/18/19 09:56 PM

Glad to see you are still here after all these years. Seeing your posting history helping others is commendable. I hope all is well with you and yours. I felt a need to come back and share by experiences with a place that I hold dear to me, and will never forget the assistance I got when I needed it most. What I appreciate on these boards is the honest opinions given to help the victims of affairs. I needed to share my experience, because I thought never in a million years it would be possible for me to be drawn away from my wife. But, the most odd thing was, even with all my needs met, my brain was running thru excuses to try and advance its feelings for this girl. It actually scared me. To even try and reason something like this is crazy. A 50 something man, interested in a 20 something girl, a recipe for disaster to say the least. If the victims of affairs can get anything out of this, it's the innocence of how these things get started, here I am knowing what I know, trying to help, getting funneled toward the teeth of infidelity.

An interesting read, if you have a chance, is how teachers get involved with students in both high school and colleges. They give up their teaching careers, get prosecuted, get registered as sex offenders, ruin their livelihoods, marriages, relationship with kids, all over an inappropriate relationship with students. The emotion of sex drive is so strong, managing it with a level head is extremely hard, even for people like us who are well versed in Marriage Builders techniques.

I don't come here to be lectured on what to do, but to give back some interesting information on personal experiences and how to avoid pitfalls that come along life's journey.
The thing I learned is even if all emotional needs are meet, the mind still will wander, so constant attention has to be paid even after full recovery.
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