Hello, I have been married for almost 30 years. My wife had a major lie upheaval last year that shook her to her core. She was very depressed and went to therapy. . I had supported her in every way possible and she loved me for that. I made mistakes and didn't give her everything she needed even when she told me exactly what she needed.

She has said she wants a divorce. The day before she told me this, i used her Ipad and when i opened it there was a chat message up with a boy she knew in high school. I said nothing and moved on. I snooped the next day and found a lot of stuff. She is not having an affair but has admitted her feelings towards him. WE have talked a lot about what I saw and I have a lot of evidence. When I ask her about some of it she lies and continues to lie.

If i bring it up, it will all be about my snooping and not trusting her. If I don't bring it up, I don't know.

What should I do?

I drove her to this.

My wife of almost 30 years is sending topless photos of herself to another man. I found this out by snooping on her phone. What do I do? If I bring it up she will claim I don’t trust her and I am spying on her, if I don’t bring it up then I don’t know how to act,

Hello wiscomike, Welcome to Marriage Builders. I would confront her, but first, you should a) find out more about what is going on and b) get some spyware on her phone so you can monitor the situation. SAVE THE EVIDENCE. It's obvious something is going on. What?

I would also find out everything you can about the OM. Go snoop on his facebook page, find out where he lives, what he does. Is he married? What does he do for a living..

And about the accusation that you don't trust her? That is true. If she says this to you, just simply agree. It is not a virtue to blindly trust your spouse. Apparently you are correct to not trust her given what you have found. She should't have been trusted in the first place. It is not a lack of trust that ruins marriages, but a lack of boundaries.

Threads have been combined and moved to Surviving an Affair.

How so?

I drove her to this because I obviously didn't listen or hear that she needed something more than what I was giving.

Just know that you could have been meeting her needs 100% and she would have still had an affair if she had poor boundaries around men. Spouses have affairs for 2 reasons, a) they have poor boundaries around the opposite sex and/or b) they are looking for action. About 95% of affairs are due to the former. Those that occur due to the latter are hopeless cases. Which category does she fall into?

When women feel they are not heard, they don't run out and have affairs. Wild horses would not persuade a woman to do so against her will. Are you saying she feels entitled to have affairs when she doesn't feel "heard?

Did you read my other posts? Can you respond?

The OM is a old high school boyfriend. In a 3 year relationship. 2 kids.
His posts seem to indicate he has no intention of leaving that relationship.

Did you get spyware onto her devices?