Hello everyone. I am back again. I posted awhile ago. My husband and I have been going through a rough time for the past 10 years. It all started when I found out that he lied about going to strip clubs. Because of this lie I started digging and found out that he lied about other things. I have always had good intuition but learned to ignore it. Well I am not ignoring it anymore.

I remember things from a long time ago (20 years). I truly have a photographic memory. I started to go back and recall previous conversations/whereabouts/events and things weren't adding up. Hence, I believe my husband had an affair with a coworker. This was anywhere between 1994-2000. It was a long time ago but my husband won't admit to it. One of his former female coworkers actually told me that he would go out to lunch and dinner with this other woman. My husband denies. Many warning signs were present back then and I dismissed them. (Staying at work late, washing his own clothes, not having sex with me, not spending time with me, constant arguing, husband coming home late and acting very nervous/upset/and anxious).

My husband has never confessed willingly. I would have to find out myself. We have gone to marriage counselors and even saw our Pastor. My husband refuses to admit to cheating on me. I came across two posts online. One was actually posted on this forum back a couple years ago. This is when I gave my husband Dr. Harley's book to read. I was also on this forum at that time.

Something made me go back and read posts from a few years ago... I read a post that I believe was his because it is his "writing style" and everything on the time line makes fits, and there was specific situations that he talked about. In his post, he admits to having 2 physical affairs.

My question is What do I do now?

This happened a long time ago (20 years ago)
My husband refuses to admit that he cheated on me. Now he is very transparent with email, phone, texts etc.. And he closed out all social media accounts. He has made an effort to change. He spends more time with me. I can tell that he is remorseful, but he won't confess. He tells me that he wants to stay married to me and that he loves me.

I have told him over and over that I need him to admit to cheating on me. I need closure. I need to know the truth. I need to know what happened. I have had bouts of depression and panic attacks because I do not know the truth. My husband sees this and still refuses to tell me the truth. He has minimized everything. Why can't he see that not telling me is causing me more pain? Why can't he see that lying about the affair has caused me to have depression and panic attacks? All I want is the truth. Then I can work on forgiving him.

I am sorry that this post is so long.

I would suggest that you ask him to take a polygraph test. If he has not done anything wrong, he should welcome the opportunity to prove that and put this to rest.

Summer, I agree with unwritten. Have him take a polygraph test. But do it this way. Please read this carefully because most people don't understand what I am saying. A polygraph will not give you infromation, it will only tell you if he is being honest to YES/NO questions. For example, he could say no to the question "have you had more affairs than what you have told your wife" and flunk. But that won't provide you details, it will only tell you what you already know, that is withholding truth.

A way around this is to tell him he needs to give you the full truth, in writing, before the test. He must pass all the questions in the PT or you won't stay in the marriage. [you can't ever recover a marriage based on lies anyway] Let him know you know there is more and this is his last chance to come clean. Hand him a list of all your questions TWO DAYS before the PT and tell him you need all of the details before the actual test. One of the questions needs to be, "list out any other affairs with names, dates and details." Once you have his answers you can formulate the PT questions, which will only be 2-3 YES/NO questions. He will not know the questions beforehand. Do you understand?

Secondly, why don't you email the moderators and ask them to check the IP address of the posts in question? Tell them the area your H would be posting from and ask them to check that.

I don't believe in polygraphs. I don't think they are accurate.

Actually, we have had phenomenal success with them here due to the utilitarian effect. People HATE flunking PT's so they typically confess beforehand.

Any other suggestions besides the polygraph test?

You tell me. You have been posting here for the exact same problem for YEARS and were given this same advice years ago. You even posted in 2015 that you spotted a post by him on another forum and asked the moderators for his IP address, etc. Are you really looking for solutions?

My husband is very smart and is able to hide his IP address. I will check with the moderators just in case he didn't hide his IP address. But I am pretty sure that he did because he is in the "Tech IT Field" Who are the moderators? How do I get in contact with them?

Your post from https://forum.marriagebuilders.com/...846504/ip-address-email.html#Post2846504

Posters told you back then to get a polygraph test and you didn't take the advice.

Then what would be the point of this?

Not sure

More than likely he was able to hide his IP address. I don't want to go the polygraph route. I don't believe in them. Any other suggestions or ideas that you can offer? Or, should I just leave this forum?

What's wrong with the suggestions you were given? I suspect you don't like the suggestions because you are not really looking for solutions. When someone has the same problem for many years it is usually because they are not serious.