Marriage Builders
Posted By: SadHeghnar Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/18/20 03:27 PM
I'm new here, and have never done anything like this before, I can't believe that I'm sharing this in a public forum but a friend suggested this site for me.
My life has turned upside down exactly a year ago, I never thought I'd be in this situation loosing everything I cherished, the love of my husband, my job and my family's respect. It's a very long and complicated story of a happy marriage destroyed by one crazy night. I never thought that we would be separate from each other during our 18th anniversary which was 3 months ago. we've celebrated all our anniversaries with romantic getaways and had planned for a bigger celebration for the 18th but God had other plans for us. A year a go I got myself intoxicated whilst in a work trip and ended up allowing a work college to my hotel room. I swear i don't recall consenting to any sexual behavior or even remembering it until I woke up few hours later with him naked on my bed. I was disgusted at myself and still hate me for that till today. The second biggest mistake I made is that I confessed to a closed circle of friends and family but not to my hubby. he eventually found out 3 months later and that's when the life I once had literally ended. Hubby was devastated and went into a cycle of exasperation and chagrin.He isolated himself from everyone including his daughters, his family and friends, he went from being the most loving social being to a cold wall, I tried all I could to talk to him to help him to show him how sorry I was but he wanted nothing from me He ended up leaving and shutting down all his family and friends including his kids and mom. no calls or texts for almost 6 months, he was still paying the bills and that's how we knew he was still alive, 2020 has been a disastrous year for all of us. I had multiple panic attacks and developed many heath issues that I never had, but the worst part was being in a limbo of not knowing what to do.
fast forward to now. My husband is finally back home but he doesn't want anything from me. he said he is back for his kids only. I see him sad and broken but he doesn't want me to help. he doesn't trust me not because of what was done, but he said because I can never feel his pain. I know I can help him I've known him for almost all our lives and as couple for 20 years, how can I convince him to just give me a shot? one shot that's all I want I'm confident I can restore his love and trust. What he doesn't realize is that I'm too broken and in sever pain. The gilt of hurting him, my kids and the whole family is overwhelming, No one other him can help me cope, he is the only person on this planet that can hold my hand walk me to the other side of all this. I'm missing him terribly but he doesn't see it and I'm not in a position to tell him anything at least not right now.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/18/20 05:10 PM
Hello sad, welcome to Marriage Builders. Are you married? How old are your kids?

One reason that your husband thinks it is important that you feel the pain he is feeling is so he would have assurance you wouldn’t do to this to him again. This is the absolute worst thing that can happen to a person. Dr. Harley places it right up there with sexual assault or the death of a child, In your case, you don’t even remember it, which means you were black out drunk. That adds to his fear because you are very destructive when you drink.

That leads me to a couple of key questions. Are you an alcoholic? Do you still work with the man you slept with? Is he married? If so, has his wife been told what happened? What kind of occupation do you have where it is acceptable to behave like this? You mention losing your job but that part is not clear.

If you can answer those questions, I can help you put together a plan.
Posted By: SadHeghnar Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/18/20 07:31 PM
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Hello sad, welcome to Marriage Builders. Are you married? How old are your kids?

One reason that your husband thinks it is important that you feel the pain he is feeling is so he would have assurance you wouldn’t do to this to him again. This is the absolute worst thing that can happen to a person. Dr. Harley places it right up there with sexual assault or the death of a child, In your case, you don’t even remember it, which means you were black out drunk. That adds to his fear because you are very destructive when you drink.

That leads me to a couple of key questions. Are you an alcoholic? Do you still work with the man you slept with? Is he married? If so, has his wife been told what happened? What kind of occupation do you have where it is acceptable to behave like this? You mention losing your job but that part is not clear.

If you can answer those questions, I can help you put together a plan.
MelodyLane, thank you for taking a time to read my post. Yes I'am married and have 2 daughters, a 16 and 13 years old. I would never do that again to him for sure.
I'm not alcoholic and I barely drink. this was just an out of character night where I was tempted to try different types of drinks.
I left my job mainly because i was embarrassed. the man was single. that behavior was never acceptable. the incident happened after we were done with the work conference.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/18/20 07:58 PM
Thanks for your answers. Have you ever been black out drunk before? How often do you drink? You said you “barely” drink. Does that mean infrequently?

My suggestion would be to go to your husband with a plan that effectively affair proofs your marriage. He has to be assured that this will never happen again. And that does not mean making promises. That means making permanent changes so this can’t ever happen again, changing the conditions that led to your affair. That might mean never drinking when he is not there, never spending the night apart again, giving him full access to all of your devices.

The 2nd part of the plan would be to create a romantic, integrated marriage where both your needs are met.

The objective of the plan is to affair proof your marriage and make you both so happy in the present that your minds don’t go to the tragedy of the past. Your husband can heal from this if he follows this plan. The plan does work. He just doesn’t believe he can get over this. But he can, and we can help him. Do you think he would come here and talk to us?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/18/20 08:00 PM
Do you ever see this man? Ever communicate with him in ANY WAY?
Posted By: SadHeghnar Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/18/20 08:26 PM
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Thanks for your answers. Have you ever been black out drunk before? How often do you drink? You said you “barely” drink. Does that mean infrequently?

My suggestion would be to go to your husband with a plan that effectively affair proofs your marriage. He has to be assured that this will never happen again. And that does not mean making promises. That means making permanent changes so this can’t ever happen again, changing the conditions that led to your affair. That might mean never drinking when he is not there, never spending the night apart again, giving him full access to all of your devices.

The 2nd part of the plan would be to create a romantic, integrated marriage where both your needs are met.

The objective of the plan is to affair proof your marriage and make you both so happy in the present that your minds don’t go to the tragedy of the past. Your husband can heal from this if he follows this plan. The plan does work. He just doesn’t believe he can get over this. But he can, and we can help him. Do you think he would come here and talk to us?
Drinking wine occasionally, and was never blacked out. the incident happened in Las Vegas after mixing up several drinks in 3 different locations.
If i could convince my husband to give me a chance to prove him I would never do it again I would do anything to save my family I would give up water not just Alcohol.

Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Do you ever see this man? Ever communicate with him in ANY WAY?
if you are talking about my former college, I haven't talked to him since last June after I had to wake him up I asked him how it happened then asked him to leave. he tried to apologize first by text message and then at work in person I just asked him to leave me alone and to never talk to me and that was it.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/19/20 01:25 AM
Can you respond to the rest of my comments? Thanks.
Posted By: SadHeghnar Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/19/20 10:50 AM
Thnks MelodyLane, I thought I answered all of your questions, can you specify what comment you want me to respond to?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/19/20 01:56 PM
Originally Posted by SadHeghnar
Thnks MelodyLane, I thought I answered all of your questions, can you specify what comment you want me to respond to?

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My suggestion would be to go to your husband with a plan that effectively affair proofs your marriage. He has to be assured that this will never happen again. And that does not mean making promises. That means making permanent changes so this can’t ever happen again, changing the conditions that led to your affair. That might mean never drinking when he is not there, never spending the night apart again, giving him full access to all of your devices.

The 2nd part of the plan would be to create a romantic, integrated marriage where both your needs are met.

The objective of the plan is to affair proof your marriage and make you both so happy in the present that your minds don’t go to the tragedy of the past. Your husband can heal from this if he follows this plan. The plan does work. He just doesn’t believe he can get over this. But he can, and we can help him. Do you think he would come here and talk to us?
Posted By: tfkjiel Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/19/20 03:00 PM
MelodyLane has given you excellent advice. You will find all of the advice of Dr. Harley to be accurate, helpful, and effective. It will be effective and good for your husband, too, if he is willing to come here.

Along with changing the conditions which led to your affair, your husband likely needs to know what those conditions were, and why you accepted conditions which could lead to an affair.

Your effort to rebuild your marriage will not be brief, and it will not be easy. It will require 100% commitment on your part. I believe your marriage can be rebuilt, and that you have come to a "right" place to get advice here.



Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/19/20 03:22 PM
Are you working now? Does your job require overnight travel?
Posted By: tfkjiel Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/19/20 03:42 PM
Originally Posted by SadHeghnar
God had other plans for us. A year a go I got myself intoxicated whilst in a work trip and ended up allowing a work college to my hotel room.

No, I'm certain that God did not cause you to miss your anniversary celebration. It wasn't the will of God that you got yourself intoxicated, or that you allowed a colleague to your hotel room. One of the main keys to your recovered marriage is that you must "own" your actions, which were not a result of victimization.

The will of God is for you and your husband to have a blessed and fruitful marriage. There may have been a perturbation along this way, but God can..... God can restore your marriage....and God does not "have plans" for you which are not in keeping with His will.....
Posted By: SadHeghnar Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/19/20 06:56 PM
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Can you respond to the rest of my comments? Thanks.
Thanks MelodyLane, I'll try to do better this time. How can I make any plans with him when he is refusing to talk to me. He disappeared for 6 months, literally vanished then when he came back he made it clear it was only for his daughters. I thought our marriage was what you called it Affair proofed, we were both committed to each other and enjoyed each other,
To explain the conditions that led to my affair I will have to take you years back, There is only one condition by the way. I've known my husband since I was a kid. I have always had a crush on him, but never thought in a million years he would ever have any interest in me. I used to feel jealous when I was seeing girls in school and in our community were all over him, but in my head I was no where to compete for him. Only his sisters knew about my crush on him and they told him. When he told them that he liked me too I was swamped. I still couldn't believe it even if it was clear that he had interest on me. We both grew up in a strict orthodox christian families where dating was only accepted if there was an intention of commitment. the fact that our families were very close to each other made it hard for us to hide our relationship and he finally asked for my hand. 2 years after that we were married then a year later we were pregnant. I could not believe how fast things went by. what didn't change in all that though is I still couldn't believe he chose me, I still wasn't confident I would win him if it was a competition. I was glad it was not. I wanted to impress him by being the ideal wife. I wasn't pleased by just being me instead I wanted to be a model for him and our families. you are probably wondering what all this has to do with what happened last June. I had one opportunity to not force myself to be the ideal wife, daughter and mother and took it. I just wanted to have little fun for me, wanted to drink and dance and be wild for few hours, I had no intention on sleeping with my colleague or anybody else. what would I? comparing my husband to my colleague would be an insult. I used to think that it wasn't fair that one mistake would cost this much but now I understand it better.
My husband and I have always had access to each other's email and Facebook, my phone is not even locked I never had anything to hide.
do I think that my husband would come here? Unless he looses his memory. he doesn't even believe in going to church anymore.
Posted By: SadHeghnar Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/19/20 06:59 PM
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Are you working now? Does your job require overnight travel?
No I'm not working, I had few interviews that were cancelled because of the Covid19, I hope I can start before the end of summer.
Posted By: Robert22205 Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/19/20 07:20 PM
Prior to the ONS, was there any behavior, conversation or texts with the single man that would have made your husband jealous?
I ask because rebuilding a marriage requires a foundation of trust. And trust requires total honesty as to what happened during the conference.
And your husband will eventually ask you.

BTW: you don't have to answer here on this forum. It's something you need to prepare yourself for.
Posted By: FaithfulWifeCJ Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/19/20 07:22 PM
Originally Posted by SadHeghnar
I'm new here, and have never done anything like this before, I can't believe that I'm sharing this in a public forum but a friend suggested this site for me.
My life has turned upside down exactly a year ago, I never thought I'd be in this situation loosing everything I cherished, the love of my husband, my job and my family's respect. It's a very long and complicated story of a happy marriage destroyed by one crazy night. I never thought that we would be separate from each other during our 18th anniversary which was 3 months ago. we've celebrated all our anniversaries with romantic getaways and had planned for a bigger celebration for the 18th but God had other plans for us.

No, God did not ordain this. God's plan would be for the husband and wife to be faithful to each other for a lifetime, and to continue to grow their love as long as they both live. So please do not suggest that it was God's plan for you to be apart on your 18th anniversary nor was He involved in your unfaithfulness. That is purely and 100% your personal responsibility and your human sinfulness.

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A year a go I got myself intoxicated whilst in a work trip and ended up allowing a work college to my hotel room. I swear i don't recall consenting to any sexual behavior or even remembering it until I woke up few hours later with him naked on my bed. I was disgusted at myself and still hate me for that till today.

So I'm curious. How long was the work trip? Was it one or two days? Or was it like a week away from the family? Were spouses invited? My husband often comes with me on work trips and while I work...he vacations. Did your hubby come along? Why or why not? If you don't usually drink to intoxication at home or while at work (you said you usually drink a glass of wine), why did you drink so much this time? Was anyone else there? Was it like a conference or company training kind of trip...or a sales kind of trip? If you were with a bunch of people/colleagues, how did you end up alone or paired up with your other man? Why did you allow him in your hotel room? Even if you don't recall consenting, did you flirt with him all night? Did you focus on him all night? Did your actions indicate interest all night? How did you get naked?

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The second biggest mistake I made is that I confessed to a closed circle of friends and family but not to my hubby. he eventually found out 3 months later and that's when the life I once had literally ended.


Yep, and I think the sooner you accept that the natural consequence of committing adultery is that "the way it was" is over, the quicker you can move on to possibly restoring your marriage. "The way it was" lead to cheating, so you don't want it to go back to "the way it was"--you want to build something ENTIRELY NEW. On this site, there are many good options to start, but what I often hear from people is that they are trying to do all this loving stuff for their hurting Betrayed Spouse (BS) but it feels like they are spinning their wheels and never getting ahead. Know why? Think of love like a bucket, instead of a bank. You are doing the things that add love (like adding a cup of water to the bucket)...but at the same time, there are HOLES in the bucket (love busters) so the water just pours right out. Instead of concentrating on the "add love" things--concentrate on the holes in the bucket!

How do you do that? Simple. Look up the love busters on this site (https://www.marriagebuilders.com/love-busters.htm). Think of them like "Am I doing this?" and not so much about whether your BS is doing them or not right now. Look at "the man in the mirror" and take a fearless moral inventory of yourself. I bet the #1 one that is driving him nuts right now is Dishonesty. Are you being honest with him and sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings even though it's risky? How can he tell? He can't tell because of your words, I can tell you that! Do your words and your actions match? Do you say one thing and then do another with some "reason" (aka "excuse") to justify why you didn't follow through on your word? If so, then that is the love buster of Dishonesty. It's just a place to start, but I'd start with that one...and there are four more!

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Hubby was devastated and went into a cycle of exasperation and chagrin.He isolated himself from everyone including his daughters, his family and friends, he went from being the most loving social being to a cold wall, I tried all I could to talk to him to help him to show him how sorry I was but he wanted nothing from me He ended up leaving and shutting down all his family and friends including his kids and mom. no calls or texts for almost 6 months, he was still paying the bills and that's how we knew he was still alive, 2020 has been a disastrous year for all of us. I had multiple panic attacks and developed many heath issues that I never had, but the worst part was being in a limbo of not knowing what to do.

So he just up and disappeared, huh? From you, his children, and his own family and friends? That seems odd. I mean, let me ask this: did he get along with his own family before this happened, or was he always distant from them? Most of the time, blood is thicker than water and family members "don't want to get involved." Or they stick with the one that is their kid, even if the kid is the one committing adultery. Did his family stick up for him? Did he have anyone to lean on or support him through this devastating time? Who helped him? Do you even know who he turned to? Learning that the love of your life, the partner with whom you wanted to build a life and a family, has betrayed you and committed adultery is about the most painful thing in the world that can occur. Accepting it is HORRIFIC. Who did he turn to? Did he have church family to support and encourage him maybe? Who was on his side?

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fast forward to now. My husband is finally back home but he doesn't want anything from me. he said he is back for his kids only. I see him sad and broken but he doesn't want me to help. he doesn't trust me not because of what was done, but he said because I can never feel his pain. I know I can help him I've known him for almost all our lives and as couple for 20 years, how can I convince him to just give me a shot? one shot that's all I want I'm confident I can restore his love and trust. What he doesn't realize is that I'm too broken and in sever pain. The gilt of hurting him, my kids and the whole family is overwhelming, No one other him can help me cope, he is the only person on this planet that can hold my hand walk me to the other side of all this. I'm missing him terribly but he doesn't see it and I'm not in a position to tell him anything at least not right now.

So he's back home? Good! Being together would be an easier way of demonstrating to him with your actions that you are willing to recover. He said he's back for the kids only and he doesn't want your help. So are you respecting this or are you trying to "straighten him out" and give you what YOU want and telling him how wrong he is? If so, that's another love buster: Disrespectful Judgement. You may have been with him longer than any other person on the planet, and you may have known him more intimately (emotionally) than another other, but it sounds to me like he is asking to be heard about HIS sadness and pain, but what I read in your paragraph is quite a bit about you...how broken you are, how much pain you're in, how much guilt you feel, how much you miss him.

This wasn't something that was "done to you" but rather a choice you made that has some serious natural consequences. They are painful and you don't like to feel the pain of your decisions. Especially when you write about how you just wish he'd give you a second chance--think of it like this: your marriage was an entity of it's own. You were/are a whole person as an individual--he was/is a whole person as an individual--and your marriage was (note: past tense only here) an entity of the RELATING of the two of you individuals! Now, after making the decision to sleep with another man on a trip that was supposed to be for work, the natural COST of that choice is that your marriage "the way it was" IS DEAD. It is no longer alive. It is a corpse. And you are trying to convince him to let you do CPR on a corpse. The natural cost of adultery is very painful: the marriage dies.

But (and this is a GIGANTIC but), it is possible to recover after adultery. I am living proof of this. It starts with radical honesty, and by that, I mean do not try to hide ANYTHING from your husband. From this point forward, not only is he "allowed" to see the Real You warts and all, but he is INCLUDED in everything in your life. Start by being transparently honest, which means letting him see through those false images you put forth to the public...to see the Real You. Start also with changing yourself and your own heart. Instead of looking at marriage from the point of view of "What can he do for me?" (like "he can help me not hurt so much" "he can spare me some of this pain" "he can help me not feel so lonely")...look at this NEW marriage from the point of view of "What can I do for him?" Start with honesty. Start with transparency. Start with changing your own inner man. Start with studying biblical marriage on your own by reading the Bible! Start with a servant heart of honoring your vow to love and honor.

If you have any questions, I would be happy to talk with you more about things I did to recover.
Posted By: SadHeghnar Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/19/20 07:34 PM
Originally Posted by Robert22205
Prior to the ONS, was there any behavior, conversation or texts with the single man that would have made your husband jealous?
I ask because rebuilding a marriage requires a foundation of trust. And trust requires total honesty as to what happened during the conference.
And your husband will eventually ask you.

BTW: you don't have to answer here on this forum. It's something you need to prepare yourself for.
Thanks Robert, No there was never any behavior from me or the single man that would make my husband jealous except, that I allowed him to come to my room. We were a group of 10 people that night not just the 2 of us, at one point we were all dancing and the single man tried to hold my hand but I amicably rejected his approach. and that was it I swear.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/19/20 07:36 PM
Originally Posted by SadHeghnar
Thanks MelodyLane, I'll try to do better this time. How can I make any plans with him when he is refusing to talk to me. He disappeared for 6 months, literally vanished then when he came back he made it clear it was only for his daughters. I thought our marriage was what you called it Affair proofed, we were both committed to each other and enjoyed each other,
To explain the conditions that led to my affair I will have to take you years back,


I had one opportunity to not force myself to be the ideal wife, daughter and mother and took it. I just wanted to have little fun for me, wanted to drink and dance and be wild for few hours, I had no intention on sleeping with my colleague or anybody else. what would I?

The conditions that led to your affair were a) drinking and b) spending the night away from home.

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My husband and I have always had access to each other's email and Facebook, my phone is not even locked I never had anything to hide.

That's good! But the conditions led to your affair have to be addressed too. And that would be drinking and spending the night apart.

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I had one opportunity to not force myself to be the ideal wife, daughter and mother and took it. I just wanted to have little fun for me, wanted to drink and dance and be wild for few hours, I had no intention on sleeping with my colleague or anybody else. what would I?

Just so you know, this is pretty classic thinking of people who sacrifice. People who sacrifice tend to keep score and when the score is not even, they become resentful. It sounds like some of that is going on here. As you can see, the thinking that led to your sacrifice has almost destroyed your marriage. We don't believe in sacrifice at Marriage Builders. It is a disaster. We believe in learning to meet each other's needs in a way that makes you both happy.

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do I think that my husband would come here? Unless he looses his memory. he doesn't even believe in going to church anymore.


So this is where you should start. Compose a letter and send it via email outlining your plan to affair proof your marriage and to create a romantic marriage that makes you both happy. Since he wants to stay together "for the kids," wouldn't the ideal situation be for you to have a fantastic marriage? I would start thinking about how you can frame your plan to him but start off by saying that you understand now what led to the affair, naming the 2 things I mentioned, and commit to never doing that again. You must let him know this will never happen again, BECAUSE YOU HAVE TAKEN ACTION STEPS TO ELIMINATE THE CONDITIONS THAT LED TO THE AFFAIR.

If you would think on this and post your letter, we can give you feedback. The letter should be short, concise and sincere. I think you are still confused about what happened, so please consider what I said about the conditions that led to your affair.

What have you told him was the cause of the affair? How have you framed it up to him?

And lastly, Dr Harley does not believe that a spouse who has had an affair should endure perpetual punishment. You should offer to fix your marriage but if he won't take you up on that offer, you should not stick around because it will tear you down emotionally for no purpose.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/19/20 07:43 PM
Originally Posted by SadHeghnar
I had one opportunity to not force myself to be the ideal wife, daughter and mother and took it. I just wanted to have little fun for me, wanted to drink and dance and be wild for few hours, I had no intention on sleeping with my colleague or anybody else. what would I?

Translation: I have given and given and given and now it is my turn to TAKE!! 👈🏻 This type of thinking leads to destructive behavior; which you already know.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/19/20 07:55 PM
Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley is the book you need to follow this plan. [you can buy it on amazon for kindle] I will post a couple of articles that address affair recovery.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/19/20 07:58 PM
Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

<snip unrelated>

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details."
Posted By: SadHeghnar Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/19/20 07:59 PM
MelodyLane and faithfulWife, you have given me hope. I will respond to you later, my husband just walked through the front door and it’s better if he doesn’t see this.
Posted By: quintonTert Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/19/20 08:37 PM
**edit**

Please familiarize yourself with Marriage Builders concepts before posting. The purpose of the forum is to help posters with this program. It is not a platform for personal philosophies.
Posted By: Denali Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/19/20 08:44 PM
We seem to have had many new posters sign up or show up to post to this thread, so I will remind them that the purpose of this forum is to help posters with Marriage Builders solutions. Before you post, make sure you are posting along those lines or we will remove your post.

This is not a platform for personal philosophies or experiences that are not expressed in this program.

If you have questions, send me an email, Thank you.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/19/20 11:24 PM
SadHeghnar, there is a simple truth that I need you to convey to your husband. This comes from Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. He has years of successful experience.

If your husband will follow this plan, his pain will be erased and replaced with a happy, passionate marriage. We can teach you both how to do this. When one is happy in the present, the mind does not wander to the tragedies of the past. Many of us here are in fully recovered, passionate, happy marriages. I have not thought about my H's affair in many, many years. And when I do think of it, it doesn't hurt me anymore because I am happy in the present.

That being said, most marriages NEVER recover from adultery because they have no plan. Having no plan is a plan to FAIL, it never works.

With no plan, they limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage and either end up divorced or completely alienated for the rest of their lives. When there is no plan, the resentment of the betrayed spouse grows and thrives year after year. I am sure your husband thinks this is his future.

You and your husband do not have to be like that. He probably has no idea that he do much, much more than just get over this. He can have a better marriage than he had before.

This is what I want you to tell him in a letter. I want to you to invite him here.
Posted By: SadHeghnar Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/19/20 11:46 PM
Originally Posted by FaithfulWifeCJ
So I'm curious. How long was the work trip? Was it one or two days? Or was it like a week away from the family? Were spouses invited? My husband often comes with me on work trips and while I work...he vacations. Did your hubby come along? Why or why not? If you don't usually drink to intoxication at home or while at work (you said you usually drink a glass of wine), why did you drink so much this time? Was anyone else there? Was it like a conference or company training kind of trip...or a sales kind of trip? If you were with a bunch of people/colleagues, how did you end up alone or paired up with your other man? Why did you allow him in your hotel room? Even if you don't recall consenting, did you flirt with him all night? Did you focus on him all night? Did your actions indicate interest all night? How did you get naked?
it was work 3 days work convention. spouses are invited and encouraged to attend. We were supposed to extend our stay for 2 extra days but unfortunately my husband had work commitment and didn't make the trip. we were a group of 12 people including myself and the single man. We never flirted nor gave any indication of interest.
how did I end up with him? We were in the room of one of the couple that were with us and I passed out, I remember that when I woke up they were all laughing at me, I wanted to go to my room that happen to be in a different floor. the other man offered to walk me to my room. he was trashed too and asked if he could stay for little bit till he sober up. We did go inside and remembered him using the bathroom, next thing I remember he was naked next to me whilst I was half naked.

Quote
So he just up and disappeared, huh? From you, his children, and his own family and friends? That seems odd. I mean, let me ask this: did he get along with his own family before this happened, or was he always distant from them? Most of the time, blood is thicker than water and family members "don't want to get involved." Or they stick with the one that is their kid, even if the kid is the one committing adultery. Did his family stick up for him? Did he have anyone to lean on or support him through this devastating time? Who helped him? Do you even know who he turned to? Learning that the love of your life, the partner with whom you wanted to build a life and a family, has betrayed you and committed adultery is about the most painful thing in the world that can occur. Accepting it is HORRIFIC. Who did he turn to? Did he have church family to support and encourage him maybe? Who was on his side?
He didn't just disappear, there were some unfortunate events that happened before he left. My husband family members are great people but he blamed them for siding with me. he is a great guy but can show very aggressive temper when mad we've always avoid upsetting him too much. I'm not sure what kind of support he's had if any.

Quote
So he's back home? Good! Being together would be an easier way of demonstrating to him with your actions that you are willing to recover. He said he's back for the kids only and he doesn't want your help. So are you respecting this or are you trying to "straighten him out" and give you what YOU want and telling him how wrong he is? If so, that's another love buster: Disrespectful Judgement. You may have been with him longer than any other person on the planet, and you may have known him more intimately (emotionally) than another other, but it sounds to me like he is asking to be heard about HIS sadness and pain, but what I read in your paragraph is quite a bit about you...how broken you are, how much pain you're in, how much guilt you feel, how much you miss him.

Thanks for this question, He made it clear that he came back to be with his daughters, and doesn't want anything from me at all. I'm trying to respect his desire but to be honest with you it is all part of a plan. I know my husband to be a proud man and I damaged his pride. I believe if he was the only one to know what happened to me in Las Vegas he would have protected me. I was an idiot for not telling him first. My hope that one day his anger would dissipate and get to forgive me.
Only God knows my feelings, I'm in agony but forced to shove it up and concentrate on saving my family. I lost everything I have I was humiliated and my family's respect was replaced by just pity. I miss the life I had. I miss my husband. so I have nothing else to lose. my life right now is terrible but I can't stay collapsed and give up, it is a fight I will be ready for it.
Quote
If you have any questions, I would be happy to talk with you more about things I did to recover.
Thank you. the only question I have is how I can get my husband to forgive me.
Posted By: SadHeghnar Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/19/20 11:51 PM
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
SadHeghnar, there is a simple truth that I need you to convey to your husband. This comes from Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. He has years of successful experience.

If your husband will follow this plan, his pain will be erased and replaced with a happy, passionate marriage. We can teach you both how to do this. When one is happy in the present, the mind does not wander to the tragedies of the past. Many of us here are in fully recovered, passionate, happy marriages. I have not thought about my H's affair in many, many years. And when I do think of it, it doesn't hurt me anymore because I am happy in the present.

That being said, most marriages NEVER recover from adultery because they have no plan. Having no plan is a plan to FAIL, it never works.

With no plan, they limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage and either end up divorced or completely alienated for the rest of their lives. When there is no plan, the resentment of the betrayed spouse grows and thrives year after year. I am sure your husband thinks this is his future.

You and your husband do not have to be like that. He probably has no idea that he do much, much more than just get over this. He can have a better marriage than he had before.

This is what I want you to tell him in a letter. I want to you to invite him here.
Thank you MelodyLane, if I only convince him to come here. I know the plan works because a lady from my church had a successful recovery after she discovered her husband infidelity. their story was way worse. I will find a way to either talk to him or email him what you had suggested.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/20/20 12:20 AM
Originally Posted by SadHeghnar
[
Thank you MelodyLane, if I only convince him to come here. I know the plan works because a lady from my church had a successful recovery after she discovered her husband infidelity. their story was way worse. I will find a way to either talk to him or email him what you had suggested.

That sounds good. Please spend some time on the letter and post it here so we can give you some feedback. I am really concerned about some of the answers I think you have given him and I want to flesh those out with you. I want to also make sure that the letter gives him hope. Like I said, most people do not recover from infidelity. You and your husband don't have to be in that category. This whole program, which is free, will help you with a plan. You can also send questions to Dr Harley on his radio show [free] and he will send you a free book.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/20/20 12:29 AM
Originally Posted by SadHeghnar
[
Thank you. the only question I have is how I can get my husband to forgive me.

Just so you know, Dr Harley does not believe in forgiveness when there has been an affair. He believes in Just Compensation. He explains it very well in this article:

CAN'T WE JUST FORGIVE AND FORGET?
Posted By: tfkjiel Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/20/20 12:33 AM
Originally Posted by SadHeghnar
[quote=FaithfulWifeCJ]
the only question I have is how I can get my husband to forgive me.

Please understand, you cannot "get" someone to forgive you. It is quite like God. God extends His forgiveness to us because He loves us, and because He wants the best possible life for us. We do not "get" it, "earn" it, it's like the southern-gospel song "There's No Other Word for Grace, but Amazing....."says, that His grace is "unmerited favor".

Forgiveness comes as a gift from humans, when they recognize that their offender "gets it", that he/she understands and knows the depth of anguish they caused by their selfish and sinful actions. "what happened to me" is diametrically opposite to a request for forgiveness. When something "happens to" us, we accept no responsibility for it, there is nothing to forgive, and impossible for another to extend forgiveness. Dr. Harley's advice of complete revelation sets the basis for forgiveness to follow.


Posted By: Kamstel2 Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/20/20 01:12 AM
If you were drunk, you were unable to give consent. That means you were raped/sexually assaulted.

Have you thought about calling the Vegas police and at least filing a report? Would this help convince your husband that it wasn’t a planned affair with a coworker?

I’m not a lawyer, but I believe the statute of limitations for sexual assault in Nevada is 4 years.

Good luck.
Posted By: Kamstel2 Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/20/20 02:00 AM
If you notify the Las Vegas police, they MIGHT be able to find video from the 3 places you were drinking. You might discover that he was intentionally feeding you drinks with the intention of getting you drunk so he could take advantage of you later that night.

Not only would this help convince your husband that this was not an intentional or ongoing affair, but you might help prevent a sexual predator from doing this to other women.

Did you notify HR about the incident? Did you quit or were you let go? If let go, was it because of this incident?

Good luck
Posted By: Quality Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/20/20 02:16 AM
Just a quick driveby ---

SadHeghnar,

I've recovered my marriage after my wife's affair several decades ago. It is possible and has happened many times, especially when people utilize Dr. Harley and marriagebuilders. It is not just one of several options...it is the only option for marital recovery after infidelity.

That said...what really concerns is to see your husband has posted on a website called Talk About Marriage. I really hate to expose a betrayed husband because you are not gonna like that he's been checking up on you (but you need to know he's supposed to do this --- and you should welcome the scrutiny). Please don't be mad at him. He's hurting and confused and really needs to be here, not there. Here is a link to his thread.

Your Husband's Thread at TAM


I do this because it's absolutely a horrible place for any betrayed husband to be. There is no plan and no marriage ever gets saved there. Also, not only is that website a hole of despair and consideration, they will also certainly end up discouraging your husband and tell him it's hopeless. There are also a varied collection of clueless unrepentant wayward wives (and wayward men even like the liar MattMatt) and divorced betrayed wives that encourage divorce every chance they and get and even pursue recently betrayed husbands like they are hurting sad puppies. For example, there is a poster there named Affaircare (she also posts here as FaithfulWifeCJ) that is somehow a Nouthetic (which portends to be a Chistian, if you can believe it) marriage counselor who actually targets betrayed husbands for personal communications and supposed private phone counseling and then tries to have extramarital affairs with them. She did it twice here on Marriage Builders with CJsGuy and Talornpete and then again (about 6 months or so after her then husband, TalornPete
died - yeah she married him) she had another online affair on TalkAboutMarriage forum with a poster named Emerging Buhdist (EB) that she had intensely coached through his divorce and then commenced a relationship with him before his divorce was even final. They may still be together today; but, I hope not. He was unware of her trolling history so hopefully my exposure of him ran him off. Amazingly, the TalkAboutMarriage.com forum, after being made aware of such behavior (pursuing married men on the forum by a supposed licensed marriage counselor), the lying wayward moderator MattMatt used the my exposure as an excuse to ban me and deleted the posts to protect her because she's an avid poster and it's all about forum traffic, not actual content.

She even had online affairs on TaylornPete after she married him and he came to MarriageBuilders and posted seeking help (can you imagine instigating an online affair with a betrayed husband on a marriage forum, marrying him and then cheating on him thereafter numerous times???) - This is a disturbed woman who may SOUND like she's knowledgeable but she's simply a Jezebel.

Here is his thread on MB - LINK TO "The Old Fool" thread by TaylornPete

And here a link to another betrayed guy that Faithfulwife CJ picked up on at MB - CJsGuy in 2005

Oh yeah. Another bonus exposure. If a poster named "personofinterest" is still posting there and posting to your husband (I haven't read his entire thread), she's a bipolar former wayard that cheated on her husband using ashley madision dot com, where she had sex with numerous men and ended up divorcing her betrayed husband and marrying one she met on as ashley madison hookup. She posted all about it on loveshack.org years ago. She used to post here as HerFuturesSoBright or something like that (and several other names). Perhaps I should start another thread to discuss all this, but I made the moderators at TAM aware of her (and that she'd already been banned there, here and several other forums under multiple aliases but, again, they just don't care about content, just traffic. These are the kind of nefarious people that post and PRIVATE MESSAGE AT WILL there and they have the audacity to complain about the Christian help you're getting here - have mercy!

So...please encourage your husband to leave that God awful place and come to Marriage Builders. I hope I don't get in trouble for posting this. I love marriage builders. You people are awesome.


Posted By: Quality Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/20/20 03:03 AM
Apparently the lying wayward moderators have moved your husband's thread to a private area now which is even more dangerous for your husband and NOT a place a recently betrayed husband should be hanging out. They share and exchange personal information and private messages on that forum (I believe there is no private messaging allowed on this forum -- smart move).

I have screenshots of all his posts on TAM and I'll share them here if you want and the mods let me or I can put them up on a bulletin board forum somewhere and post a link. It's truly awful the behavior over there. I suppose it's better that you don't read them today but if you ever need them, just let me know. I'll be watching. Of course, if your husband is smart and leaves TAM, stops sharing information with wayward, and comes here, I'll only share his posts on TAM with his permission. He is the betrayed spouse after all. This isn't blackmail -- I truly have your marriage's best interest at heart. I have been a betrayed husband and read/posted on forums for years --- recently betrayed husbands are vulnerable and need positive hopeful feedback, not garbage advice from wayward and flirty inappropriate women on a forum moderated by unremorseful wayward persons.

Posted By: BerlinMB Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/20/20 04:10 AM
please stop, Quality. contact admin with any issues.
Posted By: tfkjiel Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/20/20 10:32 AM
***EDIT***

STOP
Posted By: Ariel Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/20/20 11:11 AM
To all: No more discussing other posters.
Posted By: tfkjiel Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/20/20 12:28 PM
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Just so you know, Dr Harley does not believe in forgiveness when there has been an affair. He believes in Just Compensation. He explains it very well in this article:

I think there's a wording error in your first sentence. This is a quote, the words of Dr. Harley to his counselee "JJ", from the article you referenced.......:

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
Forgiveness is something I believe in with all my heart. I forgive others and have been forgiven many times. God wants us all to be forgiving just as he has forgiven us.

The principle of Just Compensation is also biblical.

Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/20/20 12:57 PM
Originally Posted by tfkjiel
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Just so you know, Dr Harley does not believe in forgiveness when there has been an affair. He believes in Just Compensation. He explains it very well in this article:

I think there's a wording error in your first sentence. This is a quote, the words of Dr. Harley to his counselee "JJ", from the article you referenced.......:

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
Forgiveness is something I believe in with all my heart. I forgive others and have been forgiven many times. God wants us all to be forgiving just as he has forgiven us.

The principle of Just Compensation is also biblical.

You didn't read the article:
Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"I'm in favor of forgiveness in many situations, but this isn't one of them. In the case of infidelity, compensation not only helps the offended spouse overcome the resentment he or she harbors, but the right kind of compensation helps restore the relationship and prevents the painful act from being repeated.

In most cases, an offended spouse would be unwise to forgive the wayward spouse without just compensation. It's like forgiving a friend of the $10,000 he owes you, when it's actually in the friend's best interest to pay you in full because it would teach him how to be more responsible with money."
here
Posted By: SugarCane Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/20/20 01:35 PM
You have isolated a quote there and taken it out of context. If you want the poster to understand Dr Harley's views on forgiveness after an affair, you need to look at the whole article and try not to misrepresent it.

SadHegnar, I hope you've read the article by now. It argues that two things.

First: that while many of us (including Dr Harley) believe in, and practice forgiveness in life's situations, forgiveness after an affair is unfair:

"I approach the subject of forgiveness from the perspective of someone (me) who believes in forgiveness, but also believes that marriage should be fair. Since, in many cases, forgiveness is unfair, what should be done?" and "As you will see in my responses to the three letters I've chosen, I support just compensation for some marital offenses, so I don't always recommend forgiveness".

Dr Harley is describing the feelings of the betrayed spouse here. Many (perhaps most) feel unable to forgive, because, as Dr Harley describes, forgiveness is like writing off a debt and saying that we will deal with offender as if the offence never took place:

"First let's try to understand what forgiveness is. One illustration is telling a person who owes you $10,000 that he won't have to pay you back. You "forgive" the debt. In other words, forgiveness is eliminating a obligation of some sort.

But we generally don't think of money when we think of the need of forgiveness. Instead, we are concerned about inconsiderate behavior that has caused us great pain and suffering — the pain that an affair causes, for example. Forgiveness in these situations means thinking about the person as if the offense never took place. That is extremely difficult to do. The offended spouse usually thinks, what can he or she do to make it up to me. How can I be compensated for the pain I've suffered."

Dr Harley then argues is that the unfaithful spouse who is asking for forgiveness is usually asking for the affair to be forgotten, and does not offer "compensation" for the suffering they caused.

This concept of forgiveness - held by both the unfaithful and faithful spouses - is unrealistic, because the faithful spouse usually cannot simply "forgive" the debt and treat the unfaithful spouse as if there is no debt to be made good. The unfaithful spouse would like this to be the case: "I did it. You found out about it. I want this to go away and for you to stop hurting, as your obvious hurt makes me feel bad." The offended spouse thinks "what can he or she do to make it up to me. How can I be compensated for the pain I've suffered?"

The problem is that they cannot move forward holding those positions. Yes, the marriage COULD move forward if the BS could "forgive", but we see that they can't. What then?

This is the second thing that Dr Harley addresses in that article. In order to move forward and begin the process of recovery, it isn't necessary for the BS to forgive. If the couple waited for that to happen, recovery might never take place. The idea of the BS "forgiving" the WS is an obstacle to the start of recovery. If they wait for the BS to somehow feel that they can forgive - without a change in the marriage FIRST - the marriage will be stuck and may well dissolve.

This is where Dr Harley offers both spouses a course of action that begins the recovery process. If they put the question of forgiveness to the side and concentrate on the issue of compensation, the relationship can be restored:

"I'm in favor of forgiveness in many situations, but this isn't one of them. In the case of infidelity, compensation not only helps the offended spouse overcome the resentment he or she harbors, but the right kind of compensation helps restore the relationship and prevents the painful act from being repeated."

All the words in those sentences are absolutely crucial to recovery. Dr Harley is NOT in favour of forgiveness after an affair, because compensation is needed. If we are compensating for the debt that we caused, we are not asking for it to be forgiven - and we should not ask for it to be forgiven. Compensation is needed because it overcomes resentment and it restores the relationship. If, after an affair, compensation is not enacted, resentment and restoration might never happen.

"In most cases, an offended spouse would be unwise to forgive the wayward spouse without just compensation. It's like forgiving a friend of the $10,000 he owes you, when it's actually in the friend's best interest to pay you in full because it would teach him how to be more responsible with money."

To apply that to an affair, it would be unwise to forgive the affair without compensation. It is actually in the unfaithful spouse's best interest to pay the faithful spouse compensation, because it would teach the unfaithful spouse to be more responsible with the marriage.

SadHegnar, your focus seems to have been on your wish to be forgiven. Your husband has been, quite understandably, unable to forgive you. However, his having been out of the home for many months has not allowed you to compensate him, and neither has his having come home and made it clear that he wants nothing to do with you:

Originally Posted by SadHeghnar
IHe ended up leaving and shutting down all his family and friends including his kids and mom. no calls or texts for almost 6 months, he was still paying the bills and that's how we knew he was still alive, 2020 has been a disastrous year for all of us. I had multiple panic attacks and developed many heath issues that I never had, but the worst part was being in a limbo of not knowing what to do.
fast forward to now. My husband is finally back home but he doesn't want anything from me. he said he is back for his kids only.
SadHegnar, you need to write to your husband, as MelodyLane told you, not asking for forgiveness but offering the compensation that Dr Harley describes.

"As it turns out, in every affair there is a way to adequately compensate the offended spouse that is good for the offender and good for the marriage. At first, the offended spouse may not want to be compensated. He or she may try to get as far away from the offender as possible to avoid further pain. But if the spouse asks for forgiveness along with a willingness to compensate, the offended spouse is usually willing to entertain the proposal."
Posted By: tfkjiel Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/20/20 01:51 PM
**EDIT**

Moderator's note: please familiarize yourself with Dr. Harley's material on this subject before posting again! His articles and radio clips on this subject are very clear. Email me with any questions.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/20/20 02:09 PM
In no way does the compensation that Dr Harley describes involve covering every last word and act of the affair. Of course your husband needs to know what happened, with whom, and under what circumstances. If your explanation here is the truth, and you have told your husband what you've told us, there does not seem to be anything else to tell. If you had a relationship with OM before or after that night, you need to tell the truth because your husband deserves to know this before attempting recovery. If you do not tell him, the truth will inevitably emerge later, as it did here:

Originally Posted by SadHeghnar
I confessed to a closed circle of friends and family but not to my hubby. he eventually found out 3 months later and that's when the life I once had literally ended.
And if a lie emerges later, your recovery, and your marriage, will be over for good.

However, if you did not have a relationship with OM before or since that night, then searching for what aspect of your personality allowed you have sex with him is pointless introspection, as is reflecting on every last detail of the affair - for both you and your husband. Compensation does not mean that you treat the affair as if it never happened, because, as I discussed above, Dr Harley shows that to do so would be bad for you and bad for the marriage. The marriage is unlikely to recover if you try to do that. However, compensation does not mean that you focus on the details of the affair ever again, now that the main details are already known. If you focus on those details now or in the future, you will keep the horror of the affair ever present in your interactions. Recovery cannot happen if you do that.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/20/20 02:20 PM
There are some great radio clips in What is Just Compensation?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/20/20 02:23 PM
Originally Posted by SugarCane
If you focus on those details now or in the future, you will keep the horror of the affair ever present in your interactions. Recovery cannot happen if you do that.

Like Sugarcane said, the details about the affair should be shared with your husband if that has not happened. He has a right to all the facts. It sounds to me like that has happened. If it has, the affair should never be brought up again. Bringing up the affair drags out recovery and keeps the tragedy of the past in the present. Some couples make the mistake of going to counseling and focusing on the past, which is a distraction from marital recovery:

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"One of the reasons I'm not so keen on dredging up the past as a part of therapy is that it brings up memories that carry resentment along with them. If I'm not careful, a single counseling session can open up such a can of worms that the presenting problem gets lost in a flood of new and painful memories. If the goal of therapy is to "resolve" every past issue, that seems to me to be a good way to keep people coming for therapy for the rest of their lives. That's because it's an insurmountable goal. We simply cannot resolve everything that's ever bothered us.

Instead, I tend to focus my attention on the present and the future, because they are what we can all do something about. The past is over and done with. Why waste our effort on the past when the future is upon us. Granted, it's useful to learn lessons from the past, but if we dwell on the past, we take our eyes off the future which can lead to disaster.

I personally believe that therapy should focus most attention, not on the past, but on ways to make the future sensational."
Overcoming Resentment
Posted By: gr8ful Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/20/20 08:11 PM
**EDIT**

Moderator's note: if you have an issue with the MB program, feel free to email Dr Harley at his radio show. The purpose of this forum is to help posters understand the MB program. It is inappropriate to disrupt someone's thread with your personal issues.
Posted By: gr8ful Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/21/20 07:27 PM
**EDIT**


Moderator's note: don't disrupt this thread again. If you have a personal issue with Marriage Builders, you can email Dr. Harley. This thread is to help the OP, not a platform for you to use for your personal issues. Don't do it again.
Posted By: Denali Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 06/21/20 09:18 PM
To all posters:

A help thread is NOT the place to debate MB principles. When a poster asks for help, especially when they are in distress, they have every right to expect every post to be directed to them offering Marriage Builders help. Questioning other posters on the Marriage Builders principles is a disruption to the thread, and is inconsiderate to the thread starter.

Dr Harley is the best person to debate the principles of Marriage Builders. You can reach him at...mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. Thank you.
Posted By: NewEveryDay Re: Need help rebuilding my marriage - 07/14/20 12:41 PM
Sad, what an awful thing to happen. I’ve been away for a while and just read this today. What happened? Have you and your H gotten any help? Do you listen to the radio show? That helps me a lot too in learning these ideas. You mentioned anger in your marriage and this can help a lot with that too.
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