Marriage Builders
Posted By: Bogan I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC - 09/17/21 02:29 AM
First time here and I'm on mobile so forgive a few of my grammer mistakes.

Long story short my wife had an affair at her sister's bachelorette party and got pregnant with OM's child. Found out a year ago when she gave birth to a child that's clearly not mine (I'm black, she's white) since OC was fully Caucasian with blonde hair. Of course I got mad, told my family who shunned her, and told her family who did similar. Right now the OC is 1 year old but I can't STAND having them in the house. We already moved to another area to avoid the fallout but she simply keeps begging me to not divorce her. We have twins (5 years old) together and she's insist on raising the OC. My ultimatum to her was to give the child up for an open adoption (where she sees the kid sometimes), one of her relatives (grandparents), or give full custody to the OM (she outed him and he's willing). I keep telling my wife I will not raise OC and she's accepted that she will have to do everything (financially and care wise) for OC but I feel like its driving a wedge between her and me and the twins. I understand that Dr. Farley's advice is to raise OC's but really why should I?! How do I explain away a stepchild that looks NOTHING like me and is younger than the twins I had with my wife? Please help smh, it seems like any choice besides raising her OC will make her resent me for the rest of the marriage.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC - 09/17/21 12:15 PM
Welcome to MB . I'm sorry to hear of the events in your marriage.
Originally Posted by Bogan
I understand that Dr. Farley's advice is to raise OC's but really why should I?! How do I explain away a stepchild that looks NOTHING like me and is younger than the twins I had with my wife? Please help smh, it seems like any choice besides raising her OC will make her resent me for the rest of the marriage.
Dr Harley advice is not that you "should" raise the OC if you don't want to. You are not morally obliged to raise it. His advice is based on what he has seen to work for those that want to rebuild their marriage after an OC.

He says that, if you want to stay together and recover, he has seen no good come from telling the mother to give up her child. As you can already see, if she follows through on your ultimatum and gives up her child, she won't recover from that and therefore, neither will your marriage. There would be no point in forcing her to go through that and then having a wife who is in permanent mourning for her child.

If you "can't STAND" having the chid in the house, you should consider ending the marriage. At least you'd have 50/50 custody of your children.

There is no easy outcome when a wife has an OC. Even where is child is not fully different in colour from the father, many families must face the fact that other people can see an obvious difference between that child and the others. If the couple stays together, they need to find a way to deal with any questions that come up. But that's not the most serious issue they must face.

It is possible to love a child that isn't yours, even when it's the product of an affair. We have many posters here that do it. The problem is when OM stays in the picture; HE is the reason that the affair will never disappear from view, not the child. Husbands here find THAT to be a hindrance to recovery, not the child.

I don't think you should be reinforcing the difference between your children and OC. You say that your wife must do everything for OC, including care. Does that mean that you do not play with her, and do not take her out to the park when you take the other two? Do you call yourself "Daddy" to her?

It sounds as if you dislike her and shun her. If so, that is very unkind. Do not make her grow up in misery because you cannot accept her. Do not punish your wife in perpetuity, either. Either proceed on the basis that you will do your best to treat OC as your own, or end the marriage.
Posted By: Bogan Re: I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC - 09/17/21 02:27 PM
Thank you Sugar Cane. The farthest I'm willing to go is to have my wife give the OC to a family member/adoptive family and they can come visit during summers and other school breaks till they turn 18. This way my wife does not feel like she abandoned the child. I will bring this up with her soon and update yall. Is this a good arrangement?
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC - 09/17/21 02:40 PM
Originally Posted by Bogan
Thank you Sugar Cane. The farthest I'm willing to go is to have my wife give the OC to a family member/adoptive family and they can come visit during summers and other school breaks till they turn 18. This way my wife does not feel like she abandoned the child. I will bring this up with her soon and update yall. Is this a good arrangement?
Have you suggested this to your wife yet?
Posted By: SugarCane Re: I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC - 09/17/21 08:47 PM
Originally Posted by Bogan
Thank you Sugar Cane. The farthest I'm willing to go is to have my wife give the OC to a family member/adoptive family and they can come visit during summers and other school breaks till they turn 18. This way my wife does not feel like she abandoned the child. I will bring this up with her soon and update yall. Is this a good arrangement?
Good in what way?

If that's the only arrangement that you will consider, you don't need the approval of strangers on the Internet. As Brain Hurts has told you, you need your wife's approval - not ours.
Posted By: Bogan Re: I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC - 09/20/21 08:17 PM
I understand now. So far we've decided to focus on marriage counselling before handling the OC business. I brought up my arrangement with WW but she still won't tell her family about the situation. My worry about raising OC is that I seem like less of a man doing so. At most I've thought about passing them off as my WW's niece but I still need to get through to her to inform her family about OC.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC - 09/20/21 10:16 PM
Originally Posted by Bogan
I brought up my arrangement with WW but she still won't tell her family about the situation. My worry about raising OC is that I seem like less of a man doing so. At most I've thought about passing them off as my WW's niece but I still need to get through to her to inform her family about OC.
Didn't you say you'd already told both sides?
Originally Posted by Bogan
Found out a year ago when she gave birth to a child that's clearly not mine (I'm black, she's white) since OC was fully Caucasian with blonde hair. Of course I got mad, told my family who shunned her, and told her family who did similar.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC - 09/21/21 01:05 AM
Originally Posted by Bogan
I understand now. So far we've decided to focus on marriage counselling before handling the OC business. I brought up my arrangement with WW but she still won't tell her family about the situation. My worry about raising OC is that I seem like less of a man doing so. At most I've thought about passing them off as my WW's niece but I still need to get through to her to inform her family about OC.
And if the baby is obviously not yours, then wouldn’t her family know?
Posted By: Bogan Re: I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC - 09/21/21 01:40 AM
I meant her close family, my bad. Her brothers have tried to offer some advice when she calls but are still giving her the cold shoulder, while her sister stopped them from telling their parents so my WW can get the chance to explain our situation to them herself.
Posted By: Bogan Re: I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC - 09/21/21 02:06 AM
Yes her close family know, while her parents and grandparents were just told she gave birth. For obvious reasons we've only shared pictures of OC with her close family (siblings). To be honest I don't know how my WW's parents haven't asked for a photo of OC yet so I'm guessing that's because of her and her siblings efforts to keep this under wraps. I'm assuming they've been asking for months now in my opinion.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC - 09/21/21 05:19 PM
Your explanation has confused me even more.

Your wife's parents know that she was pregnant and had the baby over a year ago, yet they have never seen the child nor been shown a photo, and don't appear to be disturbed about this. What grandparent does not want to meet a new baby, and if they can't for some reason, wouldn't demand to see a photo and videos? How can this be a whole year without that happening? I can't imagine being told that my daughter was pregnant and gave birth and not being allowed to see photos, videos and Zoom visits.

How are you supposed to explain in the longer term why they see no physical evidence of he new child? And yet you will introduce a "niece" who has been living with you and is coincidentally the same age as the missing baby, who looks something like your wife and calls her Mummy? If she's your wife niece, isn't she also their grandchild by one of their other children? Why isn't she living with her parents?

Originally Posted by Bogan
My ultimatum to her was to give the child up for an open adoption (where she sees the kid sometimes), one of her relatives (grandparents).
And yet these grandparents - your wife's parents - would be told that this child was her niece?

Your explanation is utterly bizarre. It might be a problem with the way you express yourself, but I can't comment intelligently on something that I find completely incoherent.
Posted By: Bogan Re: I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC - 09/21/21 07:54 PM
Sorry I'm just as lost as you are in this mess. I've asked her repeatedly why her parents and grandparents have not asked to see OC or at least a picture of them, and she just says "we have a big family so they won't worry to much" or "I'll let them know when I'm ready". I don't know what she's been telling them to not worry about OC's status, but when I press her on how hard this is to believe, she snaps. She seems to want to keep this under wraps until she's ready to come clean. Her family is deeply religious (Mormon), and I understand her feelings of shame for having an OC, but I keep telling her these lies and excuses are going to implode on itself, especially when OC gets older. On my end I can pass OC off as my WW's niece to friends and other people (preferably want to avoid embarrassment), but I'm still working with WW on letting her parents raise OC predominantly. Like I said earlier, my family are still furious about the OC situation but I've managed to prevent them from contacting WW since she's a emotionally unstable right now. Again, sorry if this is not making any sense, but honestly, I just want my twins to stop seeing their mother in so much pain.
Posted By: Bogan Re: I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC - 09/21/21 08:02 PM
I pass the child of as my WW's niece to friends and others. Family members (mine and her's) will know of OC's parentage
Posted By: SugarCane Re: I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC - 09/21/21 08:20 PM
Originally Posted by Bogan
I pass the child of as my WW's niece to friends and others. Family members (mine and her's) will know of OC's parentage
I still don't get it. People tend to know when a woman has been pregnant. Your wife has been pregnant and a baby has appeared, who is now one year old, but that baby is not referred to as her child but as her niece?
Posted By: SugarCane Re: I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC - 09/21/21 08:33 PM
The woman that moved in next door to me was visibly pregnant. I did not know her very well. Nine months later I could hear a baby crying through the wall, and I went round with flowers. If she had told me that the newborn baby that she was clutching in a blanket was her nephew, not her own child, I would have assumed that she'd had a terrible mental breakdown.

How do people not already know that she has had a baby, and that the child is not her niece?

Surely it's blatantly obvious to even strangers that the child strapped to her hip and living in her house is her own child?

Strangers used to stop me when I walked down the street with my children, wanting to get a look at the baby. Neighbours that I did not even recognise knocked at my door with some little gift. What did your wife do when these things happened? Did she tell them that it's not her newborn baby, it's her niece?

What did the twins tell the teachers and their friends at school? That their newborn cousin has come to live with them, or that mummy has had a baby - their new baby sister? What does your wife do when she picks up the twins at school - does she tell people that the newborn is not hers, it's her niece? Every morning and afternoon at school, for a year? And didn't anyone at school notice that she was pregnant? Didn't the twins tell anyone that mummy was expecting a baby?

Please explain how you have been living with this through her pregnancy and since the birth.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC - 09/21/21 08:37 PM
Originally Posted by Bogan
Sorry I'm just as lost as you are in this mess.
You're the husband. You are married to this woman. You're the father of the twins. You're the son-in-law. Yet you are just as lost as I am in this mess?

I'm a complete stranger who cannot see how it's possible to hide from her parents the fact that your wife has had a baby that isn't yours, but you can't give me answers because you don't know yourself how they haven't seen a glimpse of this child?

I really don't know what to say.
Posted By: Bogan Re: I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC - 09/21/21 09:00 PM
I said we moved to a new area to escape the fallout of OC's birth. It's in my first post. People in our NEW area don't know she's given birth to OC so I'm just trying to see how I can explain OC's presence in our family besides admitting the truth. Yes people from where we used to live before all know about OC not being mine. I just don't want to look pathetic raising a stepchild younger than our twins. Again, I did not pass OC off as a niece to friends where we used to live, her family members who know about OC, or my family. I only knew OC wasn't mine when she was born. Is that a bit clearer?
Posted By: Bogan Re: I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC - 09/21/21 09:12 PM
She's already throws emotional fitz when I press her to tell her parents. She's won't give me their contact information either. I've tried to get it from her sister but she wants my wife to tell them herself. This gets more and more frustrating but my wife's episodes keep me from probing further.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC - 09/21/21 09:47 PM
Originally Posted by Bogan
I said we moved to a new area to escape the fallout of OC's birth. It's in my first post. People in our NEW area don't know she's given birth to OC so I'm just trying to see how I can explain OC's presence in our family besides admitting the truth.
You don't think it's obvious to the casual observer that this child is your wife's child? That she's the child's mother?

How are you going to explain that her one-year old niece lives with you? Where are her parents in this scenario?
Posted By: SugarCane Re: I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC - 09/21/21 09:49 PM
Originally Posted by Bogan
She's already throws emotional fitz when I press her to tell her parents. She's won't give me their contact information either. I've tried to get it from her sister but she wants my wife to tell them herself.
You don't know where you own in-laws live? You've been with your wife for at least as long as the twins have been alive, and you don't know her home address?
Posted By: SugarCane Re: I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC - 09/21/21 10:19 PM
Originally Posted by Bogan
People in our NEW area don't know she's given birth to OC so I'm just trying to see how I can explain OC's presence in our family besides admitting the truth. Yes people from where we used to live before all know about OC not being mine. I just don't want to look pathetic raising a stepchild younger than our twins. Again, I did not pass OC off as a niece to friends where we used to live, her family members who know about OC, or my family. I only knew OC wasn't mine when she was born. Is that a bit clearer?
So people where you used to live know this is her child and not your child.

Your family members know that this is her child and not your child.

You neighbours and new friends will be told that she is your wife's niece; are they being told that already, since she lives with you in the new area now?

Your 5 year-old twins know that this is mummy's baby, but will be required to keep that a secret from people who will be told she is their Aunt or Uncle's baby.

Does the child call your wife "Mummy", or does she call her "Aunty"? Don't friends and neighbours already hear her saying "Mummy"? How will you explain when she is sent away and then comes back to visit? Your wife will no longer be "Mummy"; how will this happen? What is the explanation?

Your wife's brothers and sister know that this is her child and not your child, but her mother and father do not know, yet you want to ask them to raise the child.

What makes you think that they will even entertain the idea of raising the child? What will you do if they refuse?

How do you expect the 3 children to keep up this charade between the people that think the child is a niece and the ones that know she is their sister? They are only little; how much are you asking them to lie?

How do you expect the 3 children (including OC) to feel when the youngest is sent away and comes to visit in the holidays? How do you think the twins will feel when they realise that you sent their little sister away?

Are all the children going to be reprogrammed to believe that this is a niece and not a sister? Will OC be encouraged to forget that she grew up with her mother until she was a year old? If not, how do you hope to keep them from telling other people that they have a sister that lives with their granny and grandpa? When the child comes to visit, how will they taught not to tell people that she is their sister? Do you realise the levels of deception that you will be asking your young children to engage in? Do you think this is fair or right for them?

Do you think that all this deception, and sending the child away from your wife who will grieve for her, will make you able to rebuild your marriage? If you are not - all of you, including the twins who are being asked to lie, and your wife who is being asked to give up her child - happier when this whole process is over, what will the point have been?

Will you still hate OC when she comes to visit?

I think your plan is nonsense on stilts. You can't hide the fact that your wife had an OC by sending her away or pretending that she is your niece. Shed-loads of people already know from you that she is not your child, and it must be obvious to all in the new area who see your family that this is your wife's child and not yours. I can't see for one moment why your wife would agree to give up her child, and if she did, your marriage would never be happy while she mourned her, which she will.

You are not obliged to parent OC - not at all. You "hate" her, as you said in your other thread; that is your privilege. But think through all the problems and deceptions required for you to send her away, and think of the marriage you'll have left; a deeply unhappy one. You hate the child, so leave your wife to bring her up while you remain a good father to your two children.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC - 09/21/21 10:24 PM
Originally Posted by Bogan
She's already throws emotional fitz when I press her to tell her parents. She's won't give me their contact information either. I've tried to get it from her sister but she wants my wife to tell them herself. This gets more and more frustrating but my wife's episodes keep me from probing further.
You can't have a coherent conversation with you wife about telling her parents. You are cowed by her "episodes" and "emotional fits" (I refuse to use bad spelling) into giving in and not talking this through. You can't even find out from her where they live in order to send a photo - she makes you that scared. And yet you think you can get her to rationally agree to hand her child over to her parents, when she is deeply ashamed of telling them that she has an OC?

This is beyond belief.
Posted By: Bogan Re: I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC - 09/21/21 10:46 PM
She lives away from them and I haven't gone to Utah with her before. They didn't come to our wedding (courthouse wedding) and I've never met them (yes I know this is strange). When I found their address a while back none of the numbers listed near their names worked. At most I've talked to them over her phone. But yes, if she won't give me any of their working numbers I'll mail the information I have to them. Currently I'm trying to at least call their jobs to get a hold of them.
Posted By: Bogan Re: I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC - 09/21/21 10:53 PM
Well how do I explain OC's existance within the family? Do I just be honest with everyone who ask? What do you suggest?
Posted By: SugarCane Re: I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC - 09/21/21 11:23 PM
Why don't you answer the many questions I have asked you, instead of asking more?

I have tried to find out how you have played this so far, to the child herself, to the twins, and to other people in the area, and you have never answered me.

How do things work right now?
Posted By: Bogan Re: I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC - 09/22/21 12:02 AM
So far the twins know that their half-sister "isn't fully related" to them since they are not old enough to know about the affair. Thankfully they haven't commented on her skin color or taken any curiosity in it. My wife mainly does everything for OC since she knows my stance on her daughter, but I do help out occasionally. She goes out alone with OC because I don't want to draw attention from people being with OC in public, and as far as I can tell nobody has asked about her near our new apartment.

Were starting marriage counselling soon but we still try to keep the calm in the household. She's been open about what happened affair-wise but what gets her going is anything about contacting her parents or not keeping OC with us fulltime
Posted By: SugarCane Re: I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC - 09/22/21 11:11 AM
Originally Posted by Bogan
We have twins (5 years old) together and she's insist on raising the OC. My ultimatum to her was to give the child up for an open adoption (where she sees the kid sometimes), one of her relatives (grandparents), or give full custody to the OM (she outed him and he's willing)...Please help smh, it seems like any choice besides raising her OC will make her resent me for the rest of the marriage.
I still don't understand, if your wife's stance is that she "insists on raising the OC", how you think you're going to get her to agree to hand the child over to her parents or anyone else.

It's not the case that you have given your wife an ultimatum, it's the other way around. She isn't willing to do any of your options. She is keeping her child, which means she is giving YOU the ultimatum. You can accept the child in your life, or you can leave.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC - 09/22/21 11:12 AM
Originally Posted by Bogan
Were starting marriage counselling soon
What is your goal with marriage counselling?

What is her goal?
Posted By: SugarCane Re: I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC - 09/22/21 11:39 AM
Originally Posted by Bogan
my wife had an affair at her sister's bachelorette party and got pregnant with OM's child... My ultimatum to her was to give the child up for an open adoption (where she sees the kid sometimes), one of her relatives (grandparents), or give full custody to the OM (she outed him and he's willing).
Tell us more about the affair.

It isn't credible that after a 20-minute fumble under some coats in a bedroom during a party, OM easily accepted that the child was his. Think of Boris Becker's reaction when he was similarly accused after a fumble in a broom cupboard - he stole a nappy to do a DNA test. Was a DNA test done on this child? Why did OM even agree to go through with a test? Did a judge force him to go through with it?

And having accepted that the child is his, he has agreed to bring it up alone. This again is highly unusual. Very few men would want to bring up alone a child of a woman that he knew only for a few minutes. What are his circumstances - is he single, married or with a girlfriend? Why was he at a bachelorette party? Generally these are women-only, except for the strippers, aren't they?

Does he have any contact with the child? Does he pay any money towards her? Did you accept paternity on the birth certificate (as the husband you are automatically legally the father), or, following the DNA test, is OM legally recognised as the father? Does the child have your surname, or his?

You see, it doesn't sound like a one-off event to me. If she only met him on the night of the party, how would she even know his full identity in order to get a court-ordered DNA test? And again - what was he doing at the party?

It sounds as if it could have been a longer affair than just 20 minutes. That would explain why he is willing to take the child, and why she would have even asked him to do that; she knows that he is in a position to take care of the child. If a woman had only ever had 20-minute sex with the stripper at her sister's party, or with Joe the Plumber who happened to be in the bar that night, she is hardly likely to ask him to take her one of her most precious things - her child.

If they had a longer affair and you haven't been told the truth, or even if you have been told the truth but they continue to have contact, your marriage will never recover from your resentment. Even if your wife somehow gives the child away, if OM is a factor in her life in any way, your marriage will never be happy.

So that takes me back to an earlier question: having given away the child, if your wife is unhappy (and she'd be deeply unhappy), and the twins are being asked to lie, which is a terrible thing to ask of them, and you continue to hate the child when she visits, what would the whole point have been? How would giving away the child save your marriage? Are you telling me that you'd be genuinely happy having made your wife give up her child? And do you believe that she would ever get to the stage of being genuinely happy, and in love with you again, after you made her do that?
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