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Posted By: OTDL2001 Help, my ignorance enabled.. - 05/13/22 04:27 PM
I feel so stupid, how could I not be skeptical.. For years it was ‘not tonight, I have x issue’. Sex was usually when ovulation is occurring and maybe one other time a month. Some to most of those times would have had to have been she was just not interested.

Every year or so I make sure all family pictures of all of our devices are backed up in our in house cloud. Upon dumping all pictures and video of my wife’s old phone I was horrified to see sexually explicit pictures and video taken of her, the video would have been impossible for her to take herself. Based on the date(s) the pictures are taken, I have narrowed it down to one man that was in her messenger. The conversation never elevated above seeing if he was coming down the bar she visits on weekends. We all know she can delete any part of the conversation she chooses. I am convinced he is the guy that took those videos, although he is not in any of them. All dates are over a year old, so I would most likely say the affair is dead. From what I recall during that time she isn’t manicuring herself even close to what she was then. I thought she was doing all that for me.. Working out, buying new clothes, rarely two days passed and she had shaved legs again.

Found the pictures just days ago. Absolutely crushed. It comes in waves, where I forget about it a bit and it comes rushing back. Sleep and appetite have been an issue. We’ve been married over 12 years and have 3 children. All living in the house still. I look at her and just can’t believe it. I want to confront her about this, but she might not confirm who I suspect even when pressed. I have read up on exposure, and I want to put that plan in play but I am wondering if things change at all when the affair is dead? Could others here have any suggestions on how I could proceed with this. One big thing to note here, from our recent conversations it sounds like she is really struggling mentally with her own value. Depression, Fear, Anxiety are playing a role here. She has always battled these issues but it seems to be peaking lately. In contrast at the time of the affair she seemed the happiest shes been some time. She has recently talked about getting professional help for it when for the longest time she was against psychiatrists. How should exposure be handled when these types of things are in play?

I am a good father to my children and a good husband. I am always there to listen, help out with the housework, the kids homework..etc. I tell her what she means to me, but if there was something I could work on to do more of that would be it. There has been times in our marriage where I best describe it as ‘living in numb’ where we kind of get robotic into the day to day. That doesn’t give her the right to cheat though! She single handedly destroyed this family, and now I have to do what I can to pick up pieces.

I want to save my marriage. I still love her but I don’t want to deal with this again. Honestly, I don’t want to deal with it now but I have to. Do I have the needed evidence to confront her on the affair? As I mentioned earlier, I believe I know who the other man is, but I have no real proof that he was the one holding the camera. He was in her Facebook Messenger but the content in there was not really suggestive. Could a private investigator help with this? Not sure how long I can hold out before I have to say something about this. Can I simply just confront her with the evidence? Is exposure only good if the spouse doesn’t know before you do it, or should it be done after confrontation? What about exposure that would not include the man of the affair or his friends and family? Would appreciate hearing whatever advice there is to offer as I really don’t know how I want to deal with this.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Help, my ignorance enabled.. - 05/13/22 10:26 PM
Welcome to MB and I’m so sorry for what has brought you here.

Do not confront yet. Put spyware on her devices to confirm if the affair is over or continuing. Have you read up on Dr. Harley’s Plan A?

Does she still see this OM? Have you saved your evidence in a safe place? Does she go to bars a lot by herself? Is this OM married? Glad that you read up on exposure because you will need to follow it.

If you can afford a PI, they will probably be able to get you what you need sooner. Do you still have access to her devices?
Posted By: OTDL2001 Re: Help, my ignorance enabled.. - 05/13/22 11:15 PM
Thank you BH, to get some kind of support at this time is what may ultimately keep me afloat.

Yes the OM still frequents the bar. It is owned by relation of hers so it's more than just friends that mingle.. I will have to check out what I can do with spyware. I have not looked into Dr.Harley's Plan A. Thank you for the resource I will look at it now.

Yes, I have the evidence on a flash drive stored in a safe place. Friends and her family are there but technically she leaves by herself. There have been occasions where I have been there also. I am not aware that she travels to other bars. The OM does not list that he is married on Facebook, so I am not positive on that.

I have talked with a PI that basically offers tracking services and half day investigation packages that would only span over a week and a half. I don't know if that is enough time to investigate. If I needed double the time, then things may be getting too pricey.

Yes, it isn't easy but I have access to her devices. As long as I keep pretending that everything is ok that is...
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Help, my ignorance enabled.. - 05/14/22 03:47 AM
I know it is very tough to be in this situation. Dr. Harley recommends to even talk to your doctor about anti-depressants and/or anti-anxiety meds for a short time to help.

Here is a good article What are Plan A and Plan B

Basically Plan A is to be the best husband you can be and show her that you’re the best option. Please read it and come back with questions.

I think if you do hire a PI then a week and half will be plenty of time to find out for sure if the affair is still active. I am sorry to tell you that if they still see each other than there is a very high percentage that the affair is still active.

Have you read the exposure thread? Get all your exposure targets lined up. You need to find the OM’s family and if he has a girlfriend or wife. They will be your best chance to bust up the affair.

If you kill the affair and decide to recover your marriage she will not be able to continue to work at that job. She will have to quit her job. If she has any contact with her affair partner it will keep the affair active.

Can you go to his Facebook and collect all his likely contacts that you need and save them? Once they get knowledge that you know they will try and take the affair underground. That’s why it’s very important to follow the plan.
Posted By: OTDL2001 Re: Help, my ignorance enabled.. - 05/16/22 12:01 AM
Thanks BH, plan A might work for me. But I'm having a hard time focusing on that now. Yesterday she left with my two daughters for a talent show competition. I find out by text from my 11 year old girl that she wasn't there during competition. Wife was said she watched her dances but didn't connect with my daughter all day. When asked why she said 'your younger daughter is a handful' and she couldn't come see her between dances. I couldn't get ahold of wife by text all today. Maybe this isn't dead. Had not added spyware yet.

Having a hard time coming up with OM wife or GF. I would almost have to stick my neck out and talk to a guy at the bar. I have to trust that he won't say anything. Or can a PI find this out for me?
Posted By: living_well Re: Help, my ignorance enabled.. - 05/16/22 01:22 PM
Originally Posted by OTDL2001
Having a hard time coming up with OM wife or GF. I would almost have to stick my neck out and talk to a guy at the bar. I have to trust that he won't say anything. Or can a PI find this out for me?

Get the goods from the PI first. Don't show your hand and don't rush. Your best chance of busting the affair is going to be getting everything lined up before they have a clue that you are on to them. Affairs are as addictive as heroin (maybe more so). That is also why spyware is so valuable. I caught my serial cheater ex through a single phone call. He got careless just once.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Help, my ignorance enabled.. - 05/16/22 02:37 PM
Yes a PI should be able to get the goods on if the OM has a wife or GF. Definitely ask the PI.

Yes this is why a GPS tracker and a VAR in her car would have been good, because you could have tracked where she was yesterday and she probably would have called him. Can you check her google maps to see where she was?

How was she when she came home? Did you ask why she wasn’t answering your texts?
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