“Soft Adultery” - 02/12/23 11:44 PM
This it the name that a trusted counselor used today to describe my wife’s actions. Here’s the setting:
Way back in 2004 I faced divorce from my ex-wife’s infidelity with a coworker. I survived alone for 16 long years, and often was here on MB getting & giving advice & support. Finally, in January, 2018 my prayers were answered and I suddenly met a woman who lived 2000 miles away in CA via online mutual friends. Turns out our parents were college classmates way back in 1951!
We courted, using the finest MB & other resources. We tried to vett our relationship the best & deepest way we could. No question was too hard. No stone left unturned. I asked her to marry me December, 2018. We were engaged & got married October, 2019. So the best part of 2 years of due diligence & prayerfulness.
Rapidly after the wedding, some emotional distance developed. She seemed to have a “I’ve crossed the finish line, snagged my man who is a great provider & is a well respected & known professional in his field, I’m going to relax & be who I really am”, not who I pretended to be.
Covid happened soon after in 2020. We were 2000 miles apart pursuing our professions and locked down anyway. Same for much of 2021. 2022 was more “normal”, but then she scheduled a massage for both of us at a place I’ve purchased her prior gift certificates for when I’m gone = 50% of the time. This would be only my 2nd professional massage in my life - 64 years. The only other one was also with her as a couples massage done by 2 ladies in a pro salon.
Back in our courtship, working through our due diligence from MB checklists, the subject of massage came up and we discussed it. It was not an area I was familiar with so far as going out to a salon to have it done (my mother was a self-trained masseuse and would do us her kids & my Dad), Besides Mom, I had only had 1 male chiropractor & 1 male PT specialist work on my body over my lifetime.
My wife had had multiple massages & chiropractors & her ex husband & son are PT over the years before I met her.
We both made an “enthusiastic joint agreement” that her having a male massage her would not work for me as her husband - who loves to give her a massage & does a darn good job she says. Here’s my why: 1) Men as a rule, get aroused by seeing the female body & then touching the female skin & body. 2) Regardless of the code of ethics, a male massage therapist will touch 95% of my wife’s body in a darkened room with incense, candles & soft music. That same male will either get aroused or have to major resist it. 3) Regardless of the code of ethics, the male massager will see much of her body, and very likely private parts as she turns & re-arranges on the table.
My wife went into her massage, not telling me it was a male. She emerged an hour later and when she walked into the lobby, she had the exact replica look on her face as when she has just finished with a very satisfying sexual orgasm with me. There was a glow, a peaceful smile, her hair messed up, she was very happy! The only way I found out the gender of her massage giver was the receptionist unwittingly asked her in front of me if she wanted to reschedule with “Brad” for the next time.
Once in the car, the truth came out. She’s been going to this place & having this guy massage her for who knows how many times. She admitted she is completely nude while this man massages her. Of course he “drapes her”, but that’s rather irrelevant from what I’ve experienced on my own. She has been touched & seen by another man when we had a joint agreement NOT to do that!
I asked her about our joint agreement from 3 years back. It was to be No male massage for her. I told her I felt betrayed & disrespected as her husband. She became very angry & defensive and threw up all of the typical “it’s medical, it’s biological” arguments.
My main problem is the massive disrespect I now feel from her blatant disregard of my feelings & wishes as her husband. “Soft adultery”?? Maybe it rises to that level. It’s been 2 months now. My feelings of rejection & betrayal have not subsided at all. My trust for her is at a very low level. I’m considering all options at this point.
I’m open to any & all points of view on this. I’ve done life for going on 65 years. I know a serious problem when I see one. This is a serious problem I’m asking for help to think through.
God bless.
Way back in 2004 I faced divorce from my ex-wife’s infidelity with a coworker. I survived alone for 16 long years, and often was here on MB getting & giving advice & support. Finally, in January, 2018 my prayers were answered and I suddenly met a woman who lived 2000 miles away in CA via online mutual friends. Turns out our parents were college classmates way back in 1951!
We courted, using the finest MB & other resources. We tried to vett our relationship the best & deepest way we could. No question was too hard. No stone left unturned. I asked her to marry me December, 2018. We were engaged & got married October, 2019. So the best part of 2 years of due diligence & prayerfulness.
Rapidly after the wedding, some emotional distance developed. She seemed to have a “I’ve crossed the finish line, snagged my man who is a great provider & is a well respected & known professional in his field, I’m going to relax & be who I really am”, not who I pretended to be.
Covid happened soon after in 2020. We were 2000 miles apart pursuing our professions and locked down anyway. Same for much of 2021. 2022 was more “normal”, but then she scheduled a massage for both of us at a place I’ve purchased her prior gift certificates for when I’m gone = 50% of the time. This would be only my 2nd professional massage in my life - 64 years. The only other one was also with her as a couples massage done by 2 ladies in a pro salon.
Back in our courtship, working through our due diligence from MB checklists, the subject of massage came up and we discussed it. It was not an area I was familiar with so far as going out to a salon to have it done (my mother was a self-trained masseuse and would do us her kids & my Dad), Besides Mom, I had only had 1 male chiropractor & 1 male PT specialist work on my body over my lifetime.
My wife had had multiple massages & chiropractors & her ex husband & son are PT over the years before I met her.
We both made an “enthusiastic joint agreement” that her having a male massage her would not work for me as her husband - who loves to give her a massage & does a darn good job she says. Here’s my why: 1) Men as a rule, get aroused by seeing the female body & then touching the female skin & body. 2) Regardless of the code of ethics, a male massage therapist will touch 95% of my wife’s body in a darkened room with incense, candles & soft music. That same male will either get aroused or have to major resist it. 3) Regardless of the code of ethics, the male massager will see much of her body, and very likely private parts as she turns & re-arranges on the table.
My wife went into her massage, not telling me it was a male. She emerged an hour later and when she walked into the lobby, she had the exact replica look on her face as when she has just finished with a very satisfying sexual orgasm with me. There was a glow, a peaceful smile, her hair messed up, she was very happy! The only way I found out the gender of her massage giver was the receptionist unwittingly asked her in front of me if she wanted to reschedule with “Brad” for the next time.
Once in the car, the truth came out. She’s been going to this place & having this guy massage her for who knows how many times. She admitted she is completely nude while this man massages her. Of course he “drapes her”, but that’s rather irrelevant from what I’ve experienced on my own. She has been touched & seen by another man when we had a joint agreement NOT to do that!
I asked her about our joint agreement from 3 years back. It was to be No male massage for her. I told her I felt betrayed & disrespected as her husband. She became very angry & defensive and threw up all of the typical “it’s medical, it’s biological” arguments.
My main problem is the massive disrespect I now feel from her blatant disregard of my feelings & wishes as her husband. “Soft adultery”?? Maybe it rises to that level. It’s been 2 months now. My feelings of rejection & betrayal have not subsided at all. My trust for her is at a very low level. I’m considering all options at this point.
I’m open to any & all points of view on this. I’ve done life for going on 65 years. I know a serious problem when I see one. This is a serious problem I’m asking for help to think through.
God bless.