Speaking from experience of a marriage that lasted only 3 years, I must say that I would never consider living together with my girlfriend at any cost.
Living together may seem convenient and fun, but if you are looking at developing a long term relationship or marriage with someone, I would strongly suggest against it! I am in my 20's and I find many of my friends shacking up for a variety of reasons. None of the reasons I have heard will actually benefit their relationship in the long run!
If you really want to find out what "living" with a person would be like, take 1-2 years and really get to know them. Its a much less painful way to determine compatibility..
Your firsthand knowledge is backed up by studies that confirm your assertion.
Highly Agree with you. From my own experiences, found that being friends first, allowing the friendship to grow, then it catches on fire at some point, then it becomes a "relationship" of a romatic nature. It is that willingness of the two parties then, to allow the romance to grow into courtship, then marriage. As long as you keep the sex factor out of it, the emotional part of the relationship grows better over time.
Hi positivebryan,
I just happened to read your message. First of all, I'm so sorry that your marriage ended, especially so soon. What interested me was,why your marriage ended so soon. When did it start going bad?
I ask because I just got married this past summer to my boyfriend of 10 years (we lived together for several of those years). I'm starting to think it was a mistake to get married. I don't feel like I feel the love I'm supposed to feel for him. We've talked about a few problems we have and have talked them to death - but - nothing changes. It seems as if he's too lazy to try to fulfill my emotional needs. We even filled out the questionnaire, etc. and discussed how each of us could meet our emotional needs. That was several months ago. And recently I confronted him with this topic, and explained that I didn't feel like my needs were being met, and he replied after thinking silently for a long time, "I'm sorry, I guess I just didn't think about it. I guess I forgot and lost my focus."
I feel like I made a big mistake, and I notice myself already noticing other men and longing for them. Even if I don't find them outwardly attractive! I just NEED someone who will give me what I need. I feel miserable.
I know you can't possibly give me an answer, but I anyway, I was just wondering what makes some marriages that end so soon.
oops, I forgot ..
You know, I feel so lonely and miserable. We don't have sex at all either, even though I've expressed my sexual desire. And I've expressed also that I kind of can't just jump into it (without foreplay) and he refuses to NOT just jump right in. He tends to like to 'hit on me' while I'm blow-drying my hair, or paying bills, you know, doing something that is actually quite stressful. When I say that I need a little time before having sex to relax, to feel sexy, etc., he just ignores me. We talked about this before the marriage. I should have known things wouldn't change.
Anyway. I feel like wanting to get out of this fast - and definitely do not yet want children with him. But on the other hand, I feel like maybe I'm just giving up on him too fast, and not taking the institution of marriage seriously enough. But, I'm 30 years old and do not want to keep wasting my time on a relationship that might not even be right.
Oh, sorry for this long mail. I'm terribly confused, as you can see.
cumlee...
The reason for my marriage ending was an affair that my wife was involved in and her reluctancy to seek help with or without me. She was also very bad in handling our finances, but continuing to spend money like crazy.
I am very sad to hear about your situation. Are there any children involved??? If not, I would strongly suggest that both of you seek marital help asap.
You are exactly the same age as me and I couldn't imagine living in a marriage without the mutual bonding needed to make the marriage strong.
Did your husband suddenly change in any way after the marriage???? If you can provide more specifics, I will be able to help you more.
write back soon..
Thanks
Bryan
My SO and I live together 4 days a week. I love the time with him and I love the time away.
It's a plan that works for us for now.
If/when we get married my expectations will be very different. We've spoken about that and have begun working on making the changes slowly.
I have to wonder what went tragically wrong in 4 short months to end PB's marriage. I somehow get the feeling that it was something more than just living together.
Katie..
I was married for over 2 1/2 years....It was 4 months between dday and the divorce being final. If you live together 4 days a week, why aren't you both married at this point???
I would strongly recommend reading the book, buyers, renters, freeloaders by Dr. Harley. There you will find everything you need to know about cohabitation. I did it...and it was one of the worst decisions ever made...
Wishing you the best!
We're not married because that is not the goal for us. Our goal is to have a strong relationship. If it leads to marriage fine. If not-not.
<small>[ January 29, 2003, 09:40 AM: Message edited by: Katie Scarlett ]</small>
After having been married for 17 years you would think I would agree with you on this topic but I don't. I am 38 years old now with 3 grown or almost grown kids. When I met (T) I had been single for about a year. We clicked right away and started a freindship that became very strong.
He lived 50 miles from me so the commute every week back and forth got long. I found a great job near him and we decided to try living together. We have been living together now for about a year and couldn't be happier. We plan to get married in a few months and I really don't see where our relationship could change. We are very very honest about our feelings, our wants and needs and our goals. We have both been through the marriage thing before and I don't think I could have married him before I really knew him and I don't know how I would have gotten to know him this way if I hadn't lived with him.
This is just my story and my opinion.
Jill
I think, like anything, this issue comes down to here your head is at.
I've watched people move in together and then live like roommated. Get married and have a completely different set of expectations.
It's also true that i've seem people really commit to one another, move in, get married and have a successful marriage.
Saying "you should never live together" is throwing the baby out with the bathwater.
JMHO
Katie..
The percentage of people who shack up and get divorced once they are married is almost twice the divorce rate. What would you do if your daughter was 18 and wanted to live with her boyfriend???
At 18 it's not my decision.
If he was a good guy I wouldn't have a problem with it.
The problem I have w/this thread is that it makes a blanket statement in assuming that ALL couples who live together prior to marriage will not have a successful relationship. You can't possibly believe that just b/c statistics say one thing then that will automatically apply to your particular situation. If you live your life like that than I truly feel sorry for you b/c statistics will also tell you that the divorce rate is at 50% and climbing, so that would defeat the argument of getting married vs. living together.
The point is...do what you feel is best for YOUR R. Just b/c one R had a certain outcome does not mean your R will have the same. There are too many different factors that could alter it. If you don't do what you feel is best for you then you'll always live you're life based on what other people feel is best for you. If the R fails, it could just mean that you 2 were not compatible or how you relate to each other is not compatible. How exactly do you correlate the fact that just b/c 2 people lived together prior to M then that's why their M failed. Obviously, there were other factors involved. That just seems like common sense.
But it IS true that those who live together before marriage have a MUCH higer rate of divorce than those who get married without shacking up first.
Obviously, there are exceptions to this, but why risk it?
I say this out of personal experience, too. I lived with my husband for a year before we got married. We were married for 18 years. When we got divorced (I wanted to stay married...) he told me he "never felt committed."
I guess that is what Dr. Harley is saying about the difference between being married and living together. My husband never was able to make the mental leap from the shacking up mentality to the mentality it takes to have a successful marriage.
Living together before marriage is fine if both people can and are willing to step up to the plate and have a happy M. Most people don't make that change when they get married. Usually only one spouse makes the change while the other stays with the freeloader or renter attitude.
It is statistically proven that the divorce rate is higher, does that mean all relationships are doomed? No. They are only doomed if one partner does not make that mental change.
For me? I lived with my wife for three years before we got married. Just over a month into our marriage she started her A. She never made the mental change that it takes to be married.
For me, I will not live with another woman before getting married again. Living together is not what doomed our marriage, but I feel it definately was a factor.
STTSI
I know many marriages that began with spouses that never lived together that have one spouse who is more comitted than the other. I also know many marriages where spouses lived together before they got married and have a deep committment to eachother. I don't think that it is fair to generalize this. There are just to many variables to make a substantiated assumption.
Jill
Jill et al.,
Dr. Harley estimates that 85% of all post-cohabitation marriages end in divorce, but he also suggests his number is a little speculative.
Of course, if one's already in that situation, one should do everything possible to be in that 15% or so. It's still largely a matter of mutual decision, not only a matter of chance and circumstance.
While the people who choose to cohabit are more likely (purely statistically speaking--individual cases will vary wildly) to be personally predisposed toward lesser commitment and hence divorce, and while the process of cohabitation itself actually inhibits later marital success (this is very surprising to some), it's still in any individual case a matter of choices that each person makes.
(Anecdotally, I know I've seen an extremely high, but not 100% by ANY means, failure rate after cohabitation, and a much lower failure rate after non-cohabitation with serious pre-marital counseling, but I'd certainly defer to those with more expertise, especially if, as in Harley's case, they have a huge amount of experience and common sense, too.)
Jill..
In reading the posts on this topic...many people have touched on my point regarding cohabitation. Its a fact that 80 plus percent of marriages who do cohabitate end in divorce.
When you live together before you marry, you are setting yourself up for a huge fall. The mind has a difficult time separating the "shack up" and the "marriage building" mindframe. This leads to confusion of what the relationship actually is and leads to the downfall of the relationship.
My question to you is....Why risk this???? You know its no the right thing to do, you know that God doesn't approve of it...etc...etc...
Dr. Harley's book...Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders explains this..
Bryan
these 80% statisticshave been debunked by several reseachers, most of which can be rooted out via a web search. They don't count those who have successfully cohabitated for decades minus a formal marriage or the number of divorces prevented by doing so. It also doesn't take into account that those who won't 'shack up' tend to be often conservative religious types who also wouldn't get a divorce if they were being strangled daily.
I'm not a huge proponent of it, BUT the stats have been presented inaccurately for years. The people who got divorced would have done so anyway, how it's a factor is beyond me. I guess if you think of yourself as a renter maybe but that has to be the exception.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">these 80% statisticshave been debunked by several reseachers, most of which can be rooted out via a web search.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If this is true, why don't you provide at least one link that backs up your statement?
Here's a link titled
A Few Facts On Cohabitation. It has some pretty interesting facts on the subject.
<small>[ March 05, 2003, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: 2MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>
Coffeeman,
I'd take less issue with the stats that you posted if they didn't pretend to not be biased.
I don't think they're biased just because I happen to disagree with them. I think the measure of validity of a site like the one you posted is does it show both sides. The site you referenced says essenitally "don't live together, where's why" followed by lists of stats to back up that one POV.
I'd MUCH rather have someone give me facts and allow me to make up my mind.
Take a look at this
Shack or marriage YOU decideThe second paragraph gets to the heart of the matter imho
<small>[ March 05, 2003, 11:36 AM: Message edited by: Katie Scarlett ]</small>
good paragraph, you can dig up the study'
'There are studies which supposedly "prove" that people who have "lived together" are more apt to fail in marriage (get a divorce) than those who have not lived together before marriage. However, there are other studies that show the opposite--that people who have "lived together" are more likely to stay together (White, 1987) than those who have not had that experience. Clearly, all of these people were serious about marriage; they tried it. But divorce is only a sure sign of marital unhappiness; remaining married is not a sure sign of marital happiness. So if the researchers have groups with different attitudes about the acceptability of divorce, they will get different results. It seems quite likely that couples who were open to living together will be more open to the idea of divorce if they become very unhappy. So, thus far, divorce rate doesn't tell us much about the wisdom of living together and mate selection. '
also
http://www.unmarried.org/not saying I agree totally but it is something to read
From unmarried.org I found this particularly interesting:
- Many of the media reports about the study exaggerate the link between cohabitation and divorce. The study found a small difference (9%) in the rate of divorce in the first ten years for spouses who cohabited before marriage compared to those who didn't. However, many other studies find that most or all of this link is explained by the differences between the kinds of people who cohabit and those who don't. Since most couples who marry today are already living together, those who don't are a more religious, conservative group with different divorce patterns. As sociologist Judith Seltzer wrote in a 2000 article in the Journal of Marriage and the Family, "Claims that individuals who cohabit before marriage hurt their chances of a good marriage pay too little attention to this evidence."
- The study did not demonstrate that cohabitation causes people to have a higher divorce rate. The two factors are correlated, but that doesn't mean that one necessarily caused the other. As CNN.com reported, "One of the study's authors said the report did not draw the conclusion that living together before marriage was the cause of the relationship ending. 'It may not be the experience of cohabiting but the people who cohabit,' said William Mosher. 'What we're saying about that is that we think that couples who cohabit before marriage may have different values than couples who do not," he said.'"
- The researchers found much larger differences in divorce rates for other factors they considered. While there was a 9% difference in the ten-year divorce rate between couples who cohabited and those who didn't, the difference was 30% by family income (couples with an income of $50,000 or more are much less likely to get divorced), 24% by age at marriage (women who marry when they're 25 or older are less likely to divorce), 14% by religion (religious women are less likely to divorce), and 13% by education (women with education beyond high school are less likely to divorce).
Interesting topic, not going to comment on any single reply, just some thoughts,I have a 16 yr old daughter who i know some day will face this topic,advise I will offer her is, THINK about all the pros and cons carefully,PRO: you spend ALL your time with this person you THINK can be your soul mate, you see his good and bad points and he sees yours, you see how he thinks, and how he spends money.IS HE all you thought he was?? IS HE ready to commit to only you some day soon? is he HONEST about it? SOME ISSUES people can have are easily hidden in the dating stages, BUT, when you LIVE with them they usually surface, can you live with and DEAL with this "issue" all your life? Will you want THIS MAN to be your childs father forever??Since no one is perfect you have to decide WHICH imperfections you can and cant deal with all your life, living together gives you a preview of some of these. CON: people generally resist "change" you live with a guy/gal and she gets "comfortable" with a non marriage arrangement, but you want more committment,someone ends up hurt.You also have a risk factor for having children with this person and you cant secure a committment from him. Another risk is this person you live with is able to find another mate and bail out on a minute's notice. I've read that MEN are waiting much longer to make marriage committments today, reasons given ranged from fear of failure to just plain not wanting to settle down yet,i've also read that MEN are seeinh how UNFAIR they may be treated if the marriage fails and they have children,they see their friends and fathers suffering miserable lives trying to survive messy divorces. IF Society wants to motivate more men to MARRY instead of "shack up" they need to STOP dropping the financial burn of divorce all on the male. At any rate I think living together is a personal decision and is not right for everyone, but it can work.personally, if i ever end up single again I want to TRY IT before I marry it again,too much to lose now days.
fortyone...
You bring up some excellent points in relation to the marriage committment and men in our society. It is very true that if a married couple with kids ends up divoring, you can bet the farm that the mother will get custody of the kids most of time unless she is a convicted murderer. On the other hand, I couldn't disagree with you more regarding your, "try it before you marry it" statement. This is the exact attitude that makes cohabitation a BAD idea!!! The only way to a successful relationship is to take 1-2 years or so and really get to know the person WITHOUT living together. If you really get to know the person that you are marrying, you don't need to live together with them before marriage..
Bryan
Bryan,
Do you feel like your marriage was a starter marriage?
Hi Katie..
I really don't feel that my first marriage was a starter marriage. I know now that my ex had misunderstandings of what a successful marriage is based on and she admitted to me that divorcing was the worst decision that she has ever made. However, she made it clear that she missed the financial support etc. that I provided during our short marriage. I now feel that my only role in this marriage was to provide money for her to spend. Countless attempts to discuss financial matters in a respectful way ended without an effort on her part for be financially responsible.
Looking Back, I should have never married someone so selfish and disrespectful in this matter. I have been dating a girl for the last year and a few months who is very financially responsible, loving, caring, respectful etc. and I am very happy now.
I lived with my H for about 5 years before we got married. We've been married for 6 years now (it will be 7 on the 26th of March). We had a good relationship to start with, and we have a great relationship now.
I don't think that living together has harmed our relationship at all! In fact, I think it was a good idea FOR US. I'm not saying it's a good idea for anyone else... just thought I'd chime in with a success story.
Oh, and we're both atheists. I mention that only because it seems to matter to some people.
Bryan,
As I stated on the D/D board...I dated my first H for 3 1/2 years before we got married. (We did not live together). 2 months after we got married, he started beating me. I THOUGHT I knew him well enough after dating that long. Guess I got it wrong.
My new H and I lived together for almost 4 months before we got married. We've been married for a year now and things are just as good now as they were then. He is not a renter or a freeloader. He moved into my home and we are in the process of getting his name on the deed. We've combined our incomes so that we share ALL expenses. Never is it "my money" or "his money". We've been doing this since we moved in together but didn't combine bank accounts until after we got married. Plus we've made promises to each other to do everything possible to make our marriage last. Neither of us wants to go thru a divorce again.
Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
It's good to hear these success stories. My boyfriend and I agreed this weekend that the reason so many marriages after living together fail is because people think they can "relax" and not have to try anymore, when it should really be just the opposite. I think that those couples who make the transition successfully are those who do everything in their power not to let that happen. I hope one day we will be one of those successes. Thanks again!
My BF and I have been living together for 6 mo., were together almost a yr prior to that. I can honestly say that I don't think I, personally, could marry w/o this element. I thought I knew him before, but I had no clue. The good side to all of this is that I got a chance to know all of those aspects BEFORE committing the rest of my life to him. I didn't stand before God and others promising something that felt good at the moment but I really had no clue as to whether I could actually keep that promise. I plan to have a HAPPY M not just a vow or promise that I made so I must stick with it M. To each his own, but I honestly cannot understand why a person would so willingly make what is SUPPOSED to be a lifelong committment so blindly. I've seen both ends of the spectrum and I don't feel like either is right or wrong. If you live your life based on statistics then you really aren't living at all. The divorce rate is at 50% and climbing and it makes me wonder that if some of these people would take the time to make sure they know the person they are committing their life to before blindly plunging in then we would be alot better off, statistically speaking!!
There are pros and cons to EVERYTHING, and nothing is outright perfect. The thing about life is that nobody has it figured out yet, that's why they use things like statistics <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> as a map to help them figure out what they should and shouldn't do. I just want to be armed w/all the knowledge that I can, not only about my mate but about living w/someone period and all that goes with it. If M is the ultimate goal then I'd say you're already on the wrong path. Friendship and love should be your foundation and then M should be what seals it.
If you believe strongly that it's better to not live together then that is what makes you, that is what going to be the driving force for YOU, however, that does NOT mean that what works for you is for someone else. JMHO
Living together bfore marriage I think is good. You really don't know a persons personal habits until you live with them. My sister married a guy. He was great @ dating. His home trying habits, were not compatible with hers. They were divorced in one year. Newly weds do not need a strain on thier marriage in the beginning on unexpected things.
I lived with my persent husband for 4 years before we married. I had to make sure he was the right guy in every way.
I WOULD LIKE TO ADD MY OPINION ABOUT THIS TOPIC. I HAVE BEEN MARRIED 4 TIMES. 3 DIVORCES AND I HAVE ALSO BEEN WIDOWED. THE MAN I WAS MARRIED TO IN MY FIRST MARRIAGE WAS OLDER THAN I AND WE DID NOT LIVE TOGETHER, WE JUST JUMPED INTO MARRIAGE, IT WAS A DISASTER. MY SECOND HUSBAND AND I LIVED TOGETHER FOR 18 MONTHS THEN MARRIED, UNFORTUNEATLY HE WAS KILLED IN AN ACCIDENT, BUT LIVING TOGETHER GOT US TO THE POINT OF KNOWING EACH OTHER AND MARRIAGE WAS AN EASY TRANSITION. MY THIRD HUSBAND AND I DID NOT LIVE TOGETHER VERY LONG BEFORE MARRIAGE AND THAT DID NOT WORK OUT. MY FOURTH HUSBAND AND I WE NOT TOGETHER LONG AT ALL WHEN WE MARRIED AND WE STAYED TOGETHER 11 YEARS BUT ISSUES ON BOTH OF OUR PARTS CAME BETWEEN US. I AM PRESENTLY LIVING WITH SOMEONE NOW. WE HAVE BOTH BEEN THROUGH ALOT AND HAVE TAKEN THIS REALTIONSHIP VERY SLOW. IT HAS BEEN IN STAGES. WE HAVE BEEN LIVING TOGETHER FOR ALMOST A YEAR NOW AND IT IS WORKING OUT VERY WELL FOR US. WE EACH HAVE OUR OWN SPACE, HE HAS HIS OWN ACTIVITIES WITH THE GUYS AND WE ALSO HAVE THINGS WE DO TOGETHER JUST THE TWO OF US AND WE ALSO INCLUDE MY GIRLS FOR FAMILY TIME. HE IS GUN SHY ABOUT MARRIAGE, HE HAS BEEN MARRIED ONCE AND HAD A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP AFTER THAT. IT HAS TAKEN ALONG TIME FOR HIM TO COME AS FAR AS HE HAS WITH ME BUT MARRIAGE SEEMS TO SCARE HIM STILL. I'M NOT QUITE SURE WHAT TO DO TO REASSURE HIM THAT THINGS WILL NOT CHANGE WHEN WE ARE MARRIED.......TAKING IT SLOW HAS WORKED OUT FOR US, SO I GUESS I CAN BE PATIENT LONGER. LIVING TOGETHER IS THE BEST WAY I KNOW TO GET TO KNOW WHAT A PERSON IS LIKE IN ALL SITUATIONS. YOU SEE THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE STRESSFUL, EACH DIFFERENT ASPECT OF LIFE.
Mustanglady..
I totally disagree with your statement of "living together is the only way to get to really know someone." The best way to get to know someone is to date them for at least 1 1/2 years without living together. Although living together was not the main reason why my marriage failed, it certainly didn't help the relationship and I would NEVER do it again. Its simply not the right thing to do in any circumstance period!
Trying..
4 years??? Why so long??
anyse...
What are the real reasons why you are choosing to cohabitate with your b/f before marriage?? If you dated your b/f for a year, you would know as much about him regardless if you lived together or not...
You just cannot know everything about somebody if you both go to your respective homes every night and weekend. My uncle dated my aunt for quite a while. After he dropped her off at home in the evening, he would go drinking. She did not know he was an alcoholic until after they got married and began to live together.
You won't know somebody's good points any better if you live with them but they cannot hide their bad points 24/7 if you are with them all the time. I would NEVER marry again without living with the person first. I figure nobody should get married until they have fought together, gone through some sort of life problem together, travelled together, and wallpapered together. People's true natures come out in those situations; if there's nastiness to be found, you'll see it then.
<small>[ April 05, 2003, 02:19 AM: Message edited by: Merrie ]</small>
I would NEVER marry again without living with the person first.
So if you don’t like it, then there is no reason to work it out. After all, your just “testing” the waters. If you don’t like it, get out. Lack of commitment is one of the main reason that marriages of people who live together before, divorce more often.
The odds of 2nd marriages failing are 65% vs. 50% for 1st marriages.
Factor in living together before marriage and now your odds are up from that. You really are stacking the odds AGAINST staying married.
I find this an interesting topic. I've read everyones replies. There are definetly some debatable points on both sides.
I wonder if the debate is fueled by knowledge, statistics, or old wounds??
Sharing my story, Dated my ex for 4 years before living together. I did not know in those four years that he would eventually come to beat me. I did not know that when we had a daughter he would be so unattached, I did not kow the long hours he would work and the amount of drinking he did at work, I did not know that he used drugs to the heightened extent he does, and lastly I did not see his need to be in control until it was too late.
Too late was after the "i dos"
Obviously this wasn't a good marriage. The marriage lasted 4 years and 2 months and 5 days! On my final divorce papers I wrote "free at last".
I am now in a relationship where we are living together. I get to see everything. How he leaves the cap off the toothpaste, plays with his children, handles finances, handles my daughter, handles household chores, how he spends his time when he believes no one is watching, and his interaction with his family. Better yet I get to decide with a better knowledge whether or not I can live with his quirks on a long term basis.
There's no rental contract, or way out. It's a pretty basic relationship. We sit down and discuss finaces, what I needed when I first moved here, and now that he is layed off what he needs while attending school. I get to see his desire to do better for us. I hear it in his voice and depiction of the future. It's always about us.
Before you ask Yep we have talked about when we get married.
Since my divorce I have never wanted another child or to be married. Until now. When we spoke of it, he had issues because he felt the male screwed over syndrome. But he speaks so excitedly, watching a show the other night where a woman was wearing a wedding dress, he asked me what kind I would buy.
Aaww yes before you ask, we aren't married right now because hs divorce is not final. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> That's right not final. But he spent his "year alone" Not being in a serious relationship doing all the holidays by himself. Not all divorce proceedings go quickly. As we all know. We will be married when he gets his final divorce judgment. It will be succesful because we opened up all the wounds and introduced all the baggage, then tied it up in one little sack and called it ours.
I firmly belive that it isn't whether or not living together or taking the time to get to know someone creates the relationship. Its honesty. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> After all the common factor I find in divorces is that someone lied. Misrepresentation of who they were or what they had. Lying about who you are can only last so long. Then the true self comes shinning through!
It's the lies of paying bills, wanting the same, it's the manipulation or control over one that creates an off balance relationship. Once the relationship becomes off balance it starts to sink. Without the life preserver you'll drown every time!!
Honesty, loyality, willingness, and comprimise make a very successful marriage or union. How ever you decide to start the process.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Be true
<small>[ June 04, 2004, 05:51 PM: Message edited by: Lenz ]</small>
We lived together for 3 yrs. before we got married.
It was a wonderful time..better than the 26 yrs. we have been married and we had many obstacles from our family from the moralists who preferred legal agreements (marriage) to love agreements (living together).
My wife wanted to get married so we did. I did it out of love for her since it mattered not what the circumstances were in being together. I just wanted to be with her.
The relationship started to decline almost immediately with marriage. She stopped taking care of herself and effort in general on her part declined.
It's never been the same.
I highly recommend living together and not getting married unless there are minor children involved.
I have nothing against marriage it's just that my personal experience has been negative. When you are living together there is only the committment of love to hold you..no legal contract..and I think this makes people work harder.