My husband has APD.
Is there anyone else out there whose spouse has this?
Knowing he is sick makes it easier to understnad his behavior, and to not take it personally when he does hurtful things, (adultery , abandonment). I am startting to se these as symptoms of the disorder.
The Marriage builders principles, I think, (showing love, meeting emotional needs, plan A etc.) can help to bring healing to people with personality disorders.
Shul
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Shul:
<strong> My husband has APD.
Is there anyone else out there whose spouse has this?
[Knowing he is sick makes it easier to understnad his behavior, and to not take it personally when he does hurtful things, (adultery , abandonment). I am startting to se these as symptoms of the disorder.]
The Marriage builders principles, I think, (showing love, meeting emotional needs, plan A etc.) can help to bring healing to people with personality disorders.
Shul </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't really know anything about this disorder but your above quote kind of makes it like you are assuming these are symptoms. The disorder itself sounds like abandonment and things of the like would be obvious symptoms but the adultry one immediately raises a big "Red Flag"! I don't think I have heard of ANY "Disorder" out there that contains the symptom of adultry.
I definately agree that the MB principles will help with the APD but I believe the adultry is a whole seperate issue, that can also be helped by the same principles.
The disorder is characterised by inability to form emotionally intimate relationships, lack of remorse for wrongdoing (feeling entitled), criminal behavior with little or no regard for consequences, etc.
Marital discord, unfaithfulness, sexual promiscuity, substance abuse, domestic abuse are all common with ADP.
It is considered untreatable, is most common in men, and there is a high incidence of divorce and incarceration.
Typically spouses or family members who live with someone with ADP, give up on them.
I am not giving up on him, although my needs/ our marriage is on the back burner.
This is like doing the ultimate Plan A, where there is only rejection in return.
I don't mean this to sound flip but that sounds a lot like my h and I call it 'just being an ***no swearing pls***. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Wow, I really didn't know this behavior disorder thing existed. But some of it does describe my h.
But, is he mentally impaired in any way? I mean, if he's not, then this disorder thing sounds like a way to rationalize sh*tty behavior. He must have some accountability for hurting you and his actions.
I am intrigued. Do you see a counselor?
<small>[ May 08, 2004, 11:51 AM: Message edited by: *Murphy* ]</small>
I don't like the label ,( or the prognosis) much, myself.
It is rather like the way we think of alcoholism as a disease.
Is it sin or is it the result of harm?
In the end, we are not to judge, we are to love.
The distinguishing thing is that it is very hard for him to empathise- to see the effect of his actions on others; his main concern is for his own survival. We all struggle with this to some extent- it is why we need to experience the healing effect of relationship with God, yes?
But in him it is much more pronounced. It is not a mental impairment, but emotional. He is highly intelligent, but he sees things through the lens of hurt and rejection. His reasoning is affected- the way he views the world. I think of it this way:
When I read , for example, of the terrible pain of rejection that spouses here share with us, (and that I experience myself )and our struggle to trust and to forgive and forget; I multiply that psychic pain by 100 , and I am getting close to understanding how it feels to be in his head. (And he learned this pain at a very young age).
I am working with a mental health service and a doctor, but in a sense I am the vicarious therapist, because he will not go to a counselor. This seems to work.
(I am a mental health proctor, and a Chaplain, so my training helps) .
The tricky part is having to see him as a hurting individual, not as a husband. I have to set aside my own needs and expectations
to a great extent; or bring them to God, rather.
I can't help him if I am taking his behavior personally.
In spite of his problems, he is a very loving man in many ways, and he is trying. I cut him lots of slack.
Shul