My H and I have been married for 4 years this November. When we got married I was pregnant and was less than attractive to him I guess, so he satisfied himself sexually for about the whole pregnancy, I was pretty hurt by this, but couldn't do much to remedy the situation. I did however make it clear after finding him with porn, that I would not accept that. He oblidged me. Once I had the baby things seemed to go back to normal. Then I got pregnant again last year, again back to the same situation, and I again found porn-I decided I would make it clear to him that it felt as though he was cheating on me and that it hurt, and that if I found it again in my house I would leave. And now I have had my baby I had her in April, and my H still satisfies himself on a almost daily basis, and it hurts since usually I am in the house and available to him. It makes me feel unwanted and makes me less than enthused to have sex with him. I have told him this too; but then again today I found porn saved on the computer-I am at a loss; should I leave like I said I would, I feel like I'm in this perpetual state of hurting one another, so I don't want to leave, because I know it will hurt him. But at the same time what should I do? My H is a recovering addict, the hurt and the resentments are still there from the addiction, and now with the porn and sexual issues I feel so lost. Am I being overly sensitive? Does anyone have any advice? Please!

I think it's too bad that you would have to leave your home. What about the children? Does this mean they will have to leave their home too? Or will they stay with him? He is continuing to make choices that hurt you. Maybe you should ask him to leave until he figures this out? I would be very uncomfortable with this material around my baby daughters. Just my thoughts . . .

Good luck, that must be so hard.

Thank you em30-I do think that him leaving would be best, my leaving was a boundary made before I had my childen, and now I feel forced to enfoce it-'once shame on them, twice shame on me'-type of deal. But I think he would be the one leaving-if I could do it. I am VERY uncomfortable with it around my children, fortunately they are young, and hopefully it won't be an issue when they are old enough to really understand. Am I wrong to feel as though this is a form of infidelity?

I don't know the answer to that nessa. I do have experience with it, as well. My former partner used to like pornography and also partied all the time. I'm a quiet type and don't enjoy partying, it makes me uncomfortable. But I tried to be positve and join him in partying, etc., and even said nothing about the magazines. But he didn't want me to join him when he partied with his friends and wasn't interested in me sexually either. I did find out that he was sleeping around, at a much later date and I didn't believe it! It was only when someone I trusted called me and told me that I had to face reality. Then he denied it. So, my experience is that a male who is interested in this is probably playing around too. And the women that mine was playing around with were not even beautiful or classy, they were hanging around bars and not sober most of the time. We went through so many cycles of promises and broken promises. It's not worth it. It took me a while on my own, starting with a baby and pregnant, until the youngest was a couple of years old, to be happy. It was extremely difficult but in the long run it was the best thing for me to do. Luckily I had the emotional support of my mother, who also didn't like that kind of behavior around her grandchildren. And, even though the childen are very young, they are affected because the behavior of their parents is affected by pornography, etc. Infants are quite sensitive and much more observant than we think they are.

Hi nessa,

I'm not all that experienced on these topics, but I have read that the definition of infidelity is an individual answer. Whatever is unacceptable to you, in your marriage, whatever makes you uncomfortable from actions by your spouse in relation to your spouse getting his intimate needs met by others can be considered infidelity. If a couple openly agree to looking at porn, then it isn't a problem... for them. But if you have stated your standards and how it makes you feel, and he continues to keep it in the house, then I believe it could be considered a form of infidelity... at the very least... inappropriate and purposely hurtful behaviour. Have you considered or suggested MC?

Shaden

Shaden

Thank you em30 for sharing your experience, sometimes I feel as though I'm the only person (especially in my age group) who finds this behavior unacceptable. I know my H has argued that every man does this-I just don't believe him-I know men who don't participate in this type of stuff-yet I feel insecure because of it and don't feel I have a leg (no pun intended) to stand on when discussing this with him. Its not like I don't try to take care of myself either I work out and have lost all but 10 lbs of my baby fat, and probably have that just because I'm still breastfeeding. You're right about the kids it doesn't really matter what age they are still effected, I know I do my best to not bring issues up when they are around or not agrue in front of them; I have seen the affects when my H used to use in comparison to now with my 3year old. I attend Alanon in order to work on my own character defects that I have developed through the years of his use and am amazed at the affects that drug use has on families. I'm sure any negative issue can have the same effect on the family.
Thank you also Shaden like I said earlier I question myself so often, I've even got to a point that I question how I feel about stuff because I don't feel validated by my H when I tell him how I feel its like it goes in one ear and out the other. But it really helps to have the input from both you and em30, I don't feel so alone in it.

Oh and Shaden I forgot to add, I have asked my H to go to MC with me but he asked that I instead go to every Alanon meeting I can and work on me-he says I'm the one with the issues-for at least a month and then re-assess the marraige before we spend money on MC. I could really get into this and say its just another way he doesn't validate me; and isn't a marraige worth fighting for even if you have to spend a few $ on it? I guess we'll just see what happens after this month.

Not all men like pornography. My H (to my knowledge) has nothing to do with it. In fact, he completely disapproves of my need to read fitness magazines "Shape" and "Fitness" and has asked me to stop subscribing, which I have. He calls them "smut" magazines because the supermodels on the cover are normally wearing only a bikini.

In any event, that is not the issue. The issue is it makes you completely uncomfortable and you are available to him to meet this need and he is rejecting you and wallowing in filthy porn.