My husband and I have been married for 5 years, and have been very happy together. I always trusted him 100% until about a year ago, when he lied about smoking a cigarette (we quit when we found out I was pregnant). I smelled it on him, asked him if he smoked and he denied it. I then told him to promise me that he didn't smoke, and he did. After a few more minutes of prodding, he admitted it. It killed me!! I wouldn't have cared if he had one and told me. I have one occasionally too, but I'd never lie about it. Today, I discovered that he lied about clearing up a finiancial issue, and I am hurt beyond words. I know he's faithful, he's a good father, and generally a good husband aside from these stupid dishonesties, and I'm grateful for that. But not being able to trust him tears me up inside!! I know he does it just so he can avoid the conflict, but it is SO much worse when he lies. What can I do?!

Welcome to MarriageBuilders (MB), Louise...

There are a lot of great articles on this website (links to the right of your screen) about having a great relationship, how it works, and rules of marriage. Love Busters (LBs) are crucial. In the rules of marriage, one is Radical Honesty.

What I hear you asking is how can you stop someone from lying to you, is that correct?

You can't.

What you control is your choice to believe them or not. And your choice to lie by omission or not.

Have you told your H distinctly that it is his choice to lie about his actions, not the actions, which pains you? And have you stated how you feel...what you think and believe to him. Shared what you did in this post with him?

If you'll read His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Harley, and his other books, you'll see that you believe that trust is crucial to marriage. I thought so, too...yet it isn't. It is healthy to respect your partner, know you can't control anything they do...they do all by choice...and that trust isn't essential. Stating what you don't trust and why, however, is...

Trust has two parts...the part earned and the part given...half and half. Seems like you're wrestling the half where you choose to give it or not. That's up to you. You can love, anyway. You can meet Emotional Needs (ENs), anyway. All your choice. He can earn his half back bit by bit each time he is honest, can't he? That's up to him.

Sounds like you trust him a great deal...trust him to be faithful, to be a good father and good husband...because he does all of that by choice.

What I'd like you to consider is your own lying...when you talked about the smoking incident, you lied to him and told him to lie to you...to promise you that he didn't smoke...and he had. Why did you do that, ask for a lie? And why then did you site this as an example of his lying, something that you say killed you, if you didn't care of he had one or not? Getting your own truth isn't easy...we get enmeshed in our partners and can't always see where we end and they begin...that what they do is about us...and what we do is about them...when it isn't.

Why would you choose to prod your H? Prodding would you already not trust what he said. You can choose to not believe his answer and not prod. And then he told you the truth and you felt killed. Do you promote a safe environment for being told the truth? Is it conflict avoidance on his part only?

Read and study...this journey goes both ways, inward and into your half of the marriage. Love Busters is a great book for seeing inside yourself, and key to having a thriving marriage.

LA

just a quick note. it sounds like your hubby might have gotten punished when he told the truth about something he had done wrong growing up. you might like to ask him about that if he will open up and then explain to him that you won't blow up. that you just want to know the truth so that you can either dismiss whatever the question was about or so the two of you can work through it together. if it works, it will only make the two of you closer.
hope things go well for you.