Marriage Builders
Posted By: introvert The ROFL Thread - 09/17/08 07:07 PM
A Newfoundlander was terribly overweight, so his Doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day.

Repeat this schedule for 2 weeks and when you return, you will have lost
at least 3 kilos.'

Two weeks later the Newfoundlander returns and the Doctor is shocked to
see he's lost 25 kilo.

'This is amazing!' exclaims the Doctor 'Did this happen by just following
my instructions?'

The Newfoundlander nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I
were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From hunger, you mean?'

'No, from all dat fockin' skippin!'
Posted By: walkingthefield Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/17/08 07:15 PM
Proper English - Preposition at end of sentence?!

On my 60th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife, Cara. The certificate paid for a visit to a Medicine Man living on a nearby Indian reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After some persuasion, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the Medicine Man, and wondered what was coming next. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me and, with a grip on my shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine, my son, and it must be respected. You take
only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will be more manly than you have ever been in your life and you will be able to perform as long as you want.'

I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, ''How do I stop the medicine from working?' 'Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the Medicine Man responded. 'But when she does, the medicine will not workagain until the next full moon.'

I was eager to see if it worked. I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited Cara to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, '1-2-3!'

Immediately, I was the manliest of men. Cara was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, 'What was the 1-2-3 for?'

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.
Posted By: not2fun Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/17/08 07:49 PM
BRAVO......Thanks for the laughs today..... grin rotflmao

not2fun

ps...Hey intro, how's things going for ya??? I keep a watch out.....hope all is well....n2f
Posted By: introvert Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/18/08 02:46 PM
You're welcome N2F.

I updated my thread in recovery this morning.

Thanks for your concern. smile
Posted By: medc Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/18/08 03:01 PM
RED WAGON





A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.



The little girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look, “That sure is a nice fire truck”, the firefighter said with admiration.





“Thanks”, the girl replied.



The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.



“Little Partner”, the firefighter said, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think it will go faster”.



The little girl replied thoughtfully “ You probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.
Posted By: medc Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/18/08 03:03 PM
LITTLE TONY

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence
and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little
TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."
Posted By: gabagool Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/18/08 03:08 PM
Ha, Ha!!!

Thats funny.............real funny.
Posted By: gabagool Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/18/08 03:10 PM
Ha! I love little tony jokes!! Theres a bunch of em.......
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/18/08 03:25 PM
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that? Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a big fat jerk' is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother
Posted By: Krazy71 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/18/08 04:40 PM
A man is like a deck of cards.


You need a heart to love him,


a diamond to marry him,


a club to smash his f_cking head in,


and a spade to bury the ba$[censored].


rotflmao
Posted By: Still_Crazy Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/18/08 04:47 PM
MY LIVING WILL

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a biotch.
Posted By: Still_Crazy Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/18/08 04:49 PM
Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio forwarded the following letter.

The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored
a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.


Dear Kean Elementary:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All
of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that
someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she
was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my [censored].


Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Edna
Posted By: Dealan-de Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/18/08 05:10 PM
This morning's joke, told to me by my 4 yo while I was driving him to daycare:

(little manly voice from the backseat)
"Mama! What kinda waifs (waves) go up on little-bitty beaches?"

(me)
"Dunno, son. What kind?"

(giggle)

"MICRO-WAIFS!"

Okay. It's a groaner...but it was so stinkin' cute.
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/18/08 06:00 PM
"If he loses too fast, he'll go into renal failure and that will be very detrimental to him," Wicky said.


I just love that line.... Tubby Tabby Goes on Diet
Posted By: TryingToLetItGo Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/18/08 07:44 PM
Why Females Should Avoid A Girls Night Out After They Are Married....



The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be
home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly,
realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-wit ted solution, in order to escape a
possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos
=MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem
pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh [censored].'
Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice
more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Posted By: at peace Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/18/08 08:08 PM
My Southern MB friends should get this one:

A couple of Yankee salesmen were travelling through Kosciusko, Mississippi when they got into an argument over how to pronounce the name of the town. They bickered and argued...one guy saying "It's obviously Kohshusko", and the other swearing "No, it sounds like Kahziessko!"

Finally, they stopped at a fast food joint for lunch, and one of the salesmen tells the girl behind the counter about their argument. He asks her to pronounce the name of the place they're in, and say it slowly and clearly.

With an earnest look on her face, the girl says "You're in the Daaaayyy Raaaayyy Quaaaayyyn."

Posted By: KiwiJ Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/18/08 08:51 PM
grin at peace, that took me FOREVER to get but I finally got there.
Posted By: at peace Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/18/08 08:57 PM
You just have to read it with a southern drawl. wink grin
Posted By: KiwiJ Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/18/08 08:59 PM
That's what I did in the end. I thought I did very well considering we don't even have that particular place of business in this country. grin
Posted By: at peace Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/18/08 09:02 PM
laugh
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/18/08 11:54 PM
Same answer I got in Thayer Missouri...

rotflmao
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/19/08 01:07 AM
Subject: Why Women are Cranky


We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right, and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months, so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze.
When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the [censored] (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb. bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30's to early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).

Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex?"

Yeah, right. Bite me.
Posted By: JustKim Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/19/08 11:19 AM
A man and his wife are making love. Deep in the throes of passion, they do not notice their 8 yr old son standing in the doorway with a look of terror on his face.

The man says to his wife "Oh lord. Id better go have a conversation with Timmy and explain a few things".

The man trudges down the hall and opens up his sons door, where is is SHOCKED to see Timmy going at it with Grandma. "MY GOD!" the man screams - "WHAT are you doing". Timmy replies...

"Not so funny when its your Mom, is it?"
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/19/08 12:44 PM
I remember when my wife got her first credit card. She ran out the door yelling "C H A R G E ..."

I didn't see her for three days...

Finally she comes in with all this stuff and says, "I have two surprises"

"What's that?" I ask.

"First" she says "I got the Cadillac detailed."

And I said , "What Cadillac?"

She said "Oh, that's the other surprise..."

So one day we get something she never expected...

A BILL...

So we got a Visa and charged the MasterCard to the Visa.

Eventually everybody wanted their money at the same time and I had no choice. I wrote out a check to Visa and another one to MasterCard. I mailed them off. The one made out to MasterCard I sent to Visa and the one for Visa I sent to MasterCard.

They got the checks and saw that they weren't for them, but both of 'em were glad SOMEBODY was getting some money, so they sent the checks back...

And I tore them up...

I know I have to pay it all of sooner or later, but in the mean time, if the bill collectors get too nasty I just might get an American Express...




Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/19/08 02:10 PM
It's FINALLY FRIDAY!!!
Posted By: medc Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/19/08 05:44 PM
Miss Beatrice,


the church organist,
was in her eighties
and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness
and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
the young minister
noticed a
Cut -glass bowl
sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled
with water,
and in the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
with tea and scones,
they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said,
"I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied,
"Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through
the Park a few months ago
and I found this little package
on the ground.
The directions said
to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know
I haven't had the flu
all winter."
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/19/08 06:09 PM
Originally Posted by TryingToLetItGo
Why Females Should Avoid A Girls Night Out After They Are Married....



The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be
home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly,
realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-wit ted solution, in order to escape a
possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos
=MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem
pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh [censored].'
Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice
more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

rotflmaorotflmaorotflmao
Posted By: black_raven Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/19/08 06:14 PM
There was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him saying,

"All right, all of you son of a b#tches who want to get on the train, get on train. And all of you son of a b#tches who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all of you son of a b#tches who want to change seats, change seats now 'cause the train's getting ready to leave. Whoo whooooo."

The mother was just devastated, so she scolded her son and said to him,

"Now son, I want to go upstairs and take your nap, and when you get up, you can't play with your train set for two hours."

So the boy took his nap and didn't even mention his train set for two hours. After the two hours were up, the boy asked his mom if he could play with his train set again. She said yes, and asked him if he understood why he was punished. He nodded his head yes, and off he went. The mother stood by door to listen to what her son would say. The boy sat down to his train set and calmly said,

"Whoo whoooooo. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get on the train, get on the train. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all you son of a b#tches who are pissed 'cause the train is two hours late, go talk to the b#tch in the kitchen.

Posted By: Dancing_Machine Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/19/08 06:16 PM
puke puke puke puke puke puke puke
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/19/08 06:22 PM
Military Wisdom

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
-Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy."
-Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
-U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
-Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
-U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
-Gen.Mac Arthur

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
-Infantry Journal

"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
-U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways."
-U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
-Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
-U. S Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
-David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
-Infantry Journal

"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."
-Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once."
-Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
-Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
-Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop


Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/19/08 06:30 PM
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink ONE liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than ONE kilo of E. coli bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo or 2.2 lb. of Poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine or rum, whiskey or other liquor because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water=Poop, Wine=Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine & talk stupid, than to drink water & be full of sh*t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I'm passing this along as a public service.
Posted By: Pepperband Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/20/08 02:29 AM
link

ONLY look at this link if you still think tie-dye is cool and know who Fred Flintstone is --- and you're high as a kite dance2

Pep
Posted By: Nerlycrzy Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/20/08 02:38 AM
AHHHHHHH,,Yes Pep------- Those were the DAYS! grin

When songs actually had some meaning!!!!!!!!!!! rotflmao
Posted By: Resilient Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/20/08 02:41 AM
I miss wonder loaf. TEEF
Posted By: Resilient Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/20/08 02:51 AM
Okay, I made this joke up. If ya'll would, please grade it between 1 - 10 (with 10 being ROFLMAO).

JOKE:

What did Mr. PotatoHead tell his guests when his wife was late to their party?



He SPUDdered: "She'll be here in a minute, she's putting her face on"

flirt
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/20/08 03:10 AM
TEEF TEEF I don't get dat joke!! think
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/20/08 03:11 AM
ya have to TRANSLATE for Texans, you silly goose!!! kiss
Posted By: bigkahuna Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/20/08 03:25 AM
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
ya have to TRANSLATE for Texans, you silly goose!!! kiss

Silly Texans.

I have the same problem with her Jo.
Posted By: Sh0cked Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/20/08 03:34 AM
I had a weird session with my IC the other day. I told him I had the same recurring dream - one night I am a Wigwam, another I am a Teepee. Wigwam - Teepee. Wigwam - Teepee.

Doctor said, "I know your problem - your two tents."

Yah, pretty bad but it is the only clean one I know.
Posted By: Resilient Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/20/08 03:38 AM
Originally Posted by bigkahuna
Silly Texans. I have the same problem with her Jo.

She gets it. She's just jelly that I can craft and tell a good joke.

skeptical
Posted By: Resilient Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/20/08 03:40 AM
Originally Posted by Sh0cked
I had a weird session with my IC the other day. I told him I had the same recurring dream - one night I am a Wigwam, another I am a Teepee. Wigwam - Teepee. Wigwam - Teepee.

Doctor said, "I know your problem - your two tents."

Yah, pretty bad but it is the only clean one I know.

rotflmao "Tents" LOL

Okay, here's one:

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "why the long face?"


laugh

Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/20/08 03:54 AM
The song was tooooooo funny rotflmao
The notes said it had lyrics included - for the clear headed.
Sad that he was so stoned, though.

I thought the jokes were ok,too.

G'night, friends...

Too tents...long face... :RollieEyes:
Posted By: imagine Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/20/08 07:50 AM
Three drunks go fishing at see in a motorboat.

The boat runs out of fuel halfway back to port.

They decide to carry on fishing with the hope that someone will eventually pick them up.

One of the drunks hooks the cork of an ancient wine bottle. Expecting a drink, he gets a genie instead. The genie looks at the motley crew, thanks them for his eternal release and grants the group just ONE wish.

Before any of the other two can speak, the drunkest blurts out: "I wish the ocean would turn into first class beer..."

And poof the genie disappears leaving the three sailors and their boat floating amidst an ocean of the highest quality beer.

For the longest time, the other two drunks stare at their wishful friend with an absolutely stunned expression.

Eventually one of them speaks:
"...And now I suppose we will have to pee into the boat...!"
Posted By: shinethrough Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/20/08 10:31 AM
Quote
ONLY look at this link if you still think tie-dye is cool and know who Fred Flintstone is --- and you're high as a kite

Or if you're as old as me, you can actually remember being there!

All Blessings,
Jerry
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/20/08 12:27 PM
Originally Posted by Resilient
Originally Posted by bigkahuna
Silly Texans. I have the same problem with her Jo.

She gets it. She's just jelly that I can craft and tell a good joke.

skeptical

okok, I finally got dat joke! It has been 5 or 6 years since I played with Mr Potato head so it took a while. And I am a Texan, so what do ya expect?? grin


My BIL, AN ENGINEER, tells jokes that no one GETS!! You would have to understand the inner workings of cumulus clouds to get his last joke!! crazy

Posted By: jayne241 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/20/08 01:55 PM
Originally Posted by Pepperband
link

ONLY look at this link if you still think tie-dye is cool and know who Fred Flintstone is --- and you're high as a kite dance2

Pep

"Oh, liver!" That's the loudest Air Guitar I ever did hear.

rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao
dance2 dance2 dance2 dance2

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^------rolling on the ground and dancing nekkid


Posted By: MrsWondering Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/20/08 02:36 PM
Here's some pretty dry humor, otherwise known as jokes that will take Mel weeks to get! stickout

~A skeleton walks into a bar, orders a beer and a mop!

~Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks...

~I enjoy waxing nostalgic over nostalgia...

Mrs. W grin

Posted By: medc Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/20/08 02:44 PM
t/j...
Mrs W...can you check out ecdrt thread (My Wife is Cheating) on Just found out? Thanks.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/20/08 02:49 PM
Originally Posted by MrsWondering
Here's some pretty dry humor, otherwise known as jokes that will take Mel weeks to get! stickout

~A skeleton walks into a bar, orders a beer and a mop!

~Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks...

~I enjoy waxing nostalgic over nostalgia...

Mrs. W grin

skeptical skeptical skeptical skeptical
Posted By: MrsWondering Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/20/08 03:23 PM
Originally Posted by medc
t/j...
Mrs W...can you check out ecdrt thread (My Wife is Cheating) on Just found out? Thanks.

Sure thing MEDC...I'll go take a looky-loo...

And Mel, try not to hurt yerself! Thinkin' too hard could cause smoke, and Lord knows a HUGE aquanet fire would be no fun at all -- total buzz kill! grin

Mrs. W
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/20/08 04:02 PM
ok, fine, I know some "JOKES" too!!

A man walks into Target and buys a mop! rotflmao

A turtle crosses the road! rotflmao

bubba drove a white truck to the fair. rotflmao

A silly yankee tells jokes that nobody GETS!! rotflmao

I am sorry, but your jokes are foolish and no one GETS THEM!!! :RollieEyes: I don't get dem jokes!! cry
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/20/08 04:20 PM
Quote
A silly yankee tells jokes that nobody (in Texas) GETS!!

Quote
A turtle crosses the road!
Must have been a road in west Texas where nobody lives. A turtle would never have made it across around here.

Quote
bubba drove a white truck to the fair.
Bet it had an Easy Rider rifle rack in the back window too.

Quote
A man walks into Target and buys a mop!
Must have been a sale. Everybody knows Walmart is cheaper.

think
Posted By: aussieswife Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/20/08 04:21 PM
Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.

Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"

The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.

The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat." uhuh
rotflmao
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/20/08 04:53 PM
Originally Posted by Mark1952
Quote
A silly yankee tells jokes that nobody (in Texas) GETS!!

Quote
A turtle crosses the road!
Must have been a road in west Texas where nobody lives. A turtle would never have made it across around here.

Quote
bubba drove a white truck to the fair.
Bet it had an Easy Rider rifle rack in the back window too.

Quote
A man walks into Target and buys a mop!
Must have been a sale. Everybody knows Walmart is cheaper.

think


He GOT dem jokes!! skeptical
Posted By: Dobie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/20/08 05:24 PM
What happens when you make up your own subtitles
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/20/08 08:16 PM
Dancing Condoms
Posted By: believer Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/20/08 08:36 PM
With regards to Sarah Palin -

Bubba and Jake chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them off in the wilds of Alaska for a week of moose hunting, just the same as they did the year before.

When the pilot returned with the plane Bubba exclaimed joyfully to the pilot, "We had a great hunting trip! We bagged four moose!"

The pilot regretfully explained, "Unfortunately, our plane can only fly with the weight of two moose. You'll have to leave the other two behind."

Bubba and Jake were both infuriated and insistent. "We won't allow you to fly this plane out without all four moose," Jake demanded.

The eager to please pilot relented and the plane took off with the three of them and their four moose. About fifteen minutes into the flight the engine started to sputter, and within seconds they were hurtling to the ground.

Wearily arising from the wreckage, Bubba looked at Jake and wheezed, "Do you have any idea where we are?"

Jake, quite pleased with himself, replied, "Yes! We're about a mile from where we crashed last year."



Posted By: shinethrough Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/20/08 09:16 PM
So it would seem there are two Texas blondes walking along the the beatifull river but on opposite sides.

The first Texas blonde is searching for a way to cross the river to the other side. She spys the other Texas blonde on the other side and yells out: YoooHooo, how do I get to the other side???

The second Texas blonde replies back: Weeelll, you're already on the other side!! rotflmao

All Blessings,
Jerry
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/20/08 09:56 PM
There are only two blond jokes.

All the rest are true.






Two blonds are walking in the woods and come across some tracks.

"Look" says the first, "Deer tracks!"

"Those aren't deer tracks" says the second, "Those are elk tracks."

"They are not elk tracks," says the first blond. "I know deer tracks when I see 'em and those are deer tracks."

"Look," says blond number two, "you might think of yourself as quite the outdoors person but my Daddy took me hunting with him all the time and those are definitely elk tracks."

"Well you might have gone hunting with your Daddy but I went hunting with my Daddy way more times than you went with yours and I know for a fact that those are deer tracks," says the first.

So back and forth they went, arguing about what type of tracks they had found.

They stood there in the woods calling each other names and each refusing to give in to what they knew was right...

Until at last...








whistle









A train came along and ran over both of them.

That's the other one...

Mark

Posted By: Dancing_Machine Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/20/08 10:55 PM
dance2 It's got a good beat and you can dance to it!! dance2

This should be shown in America. A LOT. Starting in HS sex-ex classes. Or heck, for that matter, shown all over the world. Yep.
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/21/08 01:18 AM
True////you can dance to it. It is educational....dancing while you get educated - that's a good thing.
Posted By: Dobie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/21/08 04:03 AM
I was educated. I didn't even know condoms came with fragrance.
Posted By: Dancing_Machine Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/21/08 04:07 AM
rotflmao
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/21/08 04:19 AM
rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao

faint

so, who's going to want to smell the condoms?

dontknow
Posted By: imagine Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/21/08 08:16 AM
Sherlock Holmes and Watson go camping.

The great detective is startled in the middle of the night and rouses his sleeping friend:

"Watson!" he says, "Look up. What do you see?"

Drowsily, Watson replies, "Why Holmes, I see millions upon millions of stars"

Unimpressed, Holmes asks: "Yes Watson, and what do you deduce from that?"

"Well," continues Watson, "Astronomically, there is potentially millions and millions more...
Philosophically, this impresses mans' hopeless insignificance in a vast universe...
Meteorologically, there is a twenty percent chance of rain tommorow...
Horologically, it appears to be two o'clock in the morning...Good Heavens! Holmes what on earth do you conclude from these stars?"

Sherlock Holmes, master detective, lights his pipe, looks at his friend wistfully and says:

"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"
Posted By: Resilient Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/21/08 09:41 PM
Originally Posted by Mark
There are only two blond jokes.

All the rest are true.

Two blonds are walking in the woods and come across some tracks.

"Look" says the first, "Deer tracks!"


"Those aren't deer tracks" says the second, "Those are elk tracks."

"They are not elk tracks," says the first blond. "I know deer tracks when I see 'em and those are deer tracks."

"Look," says blond number two, "you might think of yourself as quite the outdoors person but my Daddy took me hunting with him all the time and those are definitely elk tracks."

"Well you might have gone hunting with your Daddy but I went hunting with my Daddy way more times than you went with yours and I know for a fact that those are deer tracks," says the first.

So back and forth they went, arguing about what type of tracks they had found.

They stood there in the woods calling each other names and each refusing to give in to what they knew was right...

Until at last...

whistle

A train came along and ran over both of them.

That's the other one...

Mark

Great one Mark! LOL

Mel,

Being a blonde, any comments? <ducks>

TEEF
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/21/08 11:03 PM
Originally Posted by Resilient
Mel,

Being a blonde, any comments? <ducks>

TEEF

Why yes! I got dat joke! laugh

okok, it just took 2 days and reading it 3 times :teef:
Posted By: MogiSola Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/22/08 12:47 AM
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a b*tch to death with the chair!"

(Thanks to an elementary school teacher friend I have).
Posted By: MogiSola Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/22/08 12:48 AM
Yet another one from my friend:

Real newspaper ads...


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, AKC German Shepherd
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single
bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat ... Been out a while.
Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.


AND THE BEST ONE:


FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes
Excellent condition
$1,000 or best offer
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything
Posted By: MrsWondering Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/22/08 02:29 AM
This one is 'specially for Jerry and Mark! stickout

Q: What's brown and red and lyin' in a ditch?

A: A brunette that's told one too many blonde jokes! grin


*Please note, this joke may be altered to fit whatever color hair that Jerry and Mark have! laugh

Mrs. W, a blonde flirt
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/22/08 02:36 AM
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.

'What have you got there, dear?'

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
Posted By: aussieswife Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/22/08 12:01 PM
One day, three officers were hiking together and unexpectedly came upon a wide, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The Royal Australian Air Force Colonel called out to God, praying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
POOF!

God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across. It did, however, take him more than an hour and he almost drowned a couple of times.


Seeing this, the Navy Captain played to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and tools to cross this river."
POOF!

God gave him a rowboat and oars. He was able to row across but it still took almost an hour, it was very rough, and he almost capsized several times.

The Army Colonel saw how things worked out for the other two, so when he prayed to God, he said, "Pleae God, give me the strength, tools, and the intelligence to cross this river."
POOF!

God turned him into a SAS Lance Corporal. He looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred metres, and walked across the bridge to the local pub for a few pints.

I just KNEW there was beer in the joke somewhere
Posted By: pomdbd3 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/22/08 05:21 PM
A guy walks into a bar holding a lamp and a paper bag. He sets the bag on top of the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender serves him and notices that the bag keeps moving.

He asks the guy, "Buddy, what's in the bag?"

So the guy opens up the bag, pulls out a tiny piano and a little tiny man.

The man walks up to the tiny piano and starts playing a beautiful rendition of Mozart.

"That's amazing! How did you get this?"

The man answered, "I have this magic lamp. Rubbed it and a genie came out and granted me a wish."

"Can I try?" asked the bartender.

"Sure."

The man hands over the lamp, the bartender rubs it and a genie comes out.

"I'll grant you one wish" said the genie.

"I'd like a million bucks!" said the bartender.

The genie waves his arms and the bar is suddenly filled with ducks, one million of them.

"What the heck?! I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" screamed the horrified bartender.

The man looked at him and said, "Do your really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

Thank you! Thank you! I'll be here all week. Please try the veal.

grin
Posted By: shinethrough Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/22/08 06:25 PM
Wow,my grey to white hair clashes with red, big time.

OTOH............

I did have an encounter with a blonde last week. She was pushing the button on her car door opener over and over again and crying by the side of the road.

I stopped and asked if I could be of assistance and she replied perhaps. The battery in my car door opener has gone dead and I can't get into my car. She looked around and asked, do you think that store down the road has the right battery for this device?

I asked her to show me the opener and alas, it had a ring of keys attached to it. I inserted the right key into the door lock and opened the door.

I then explained to her, if you use this key, you can start your car and DRIVE over to the store to see if they have the right battery.

She was ever so grateful.... rotflmao

All Blessings,
Jerry
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/22/08 08:10 PM
There's a blond walking on the beach when she finds an old lantern that washed up and lies half-buried in the sand. She digs it out and is brushing the sand and seaweed off of it when there's a flash of fire and a puff of smoke and a genie appears.

"Thanks" said the genie. "You can't imagine how badly I needed to stretch my legs."

"So," asks the blond, "Do I get a wish?"

"Well of course you do," said the genie. "What would you like?"

"Gee," said the blond, "I'd better think about this."

After a few minutes she said "I know what I want most of all."

"And what would that be?" asked the genie.

"I want two really big boobs."

There's a flash of fire and a puff of smoke and she's left all alone on the beach...

with John McCain and Barack Obama...

Posted By: Resilient Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/22/08 08:14 PM
Originally Posted by Mark1952
There's a blond walking on the beach when she finds an old lantern that washed up and lies half-buried in the sand. She digs it out and is brushing the sand and seaweed off of it when there's a flash of fire and a puff of smoke and a genie appears.

"Thanks" said the genie. "You can't imagine how badly I needed to stretch my legs."

"So," asks the blond, "Do I get a wish?"

"Well of course you do," said the genie. "What would you like?"

"Gee," said the blond, "I'd better think about this."

After a few minutes she said "I know what I want most of all."

"And what would that be?" asked the genie.

"I want two really big boobs."

There's a flash of fire and a puff of smoke and she's left all alone on the beach...

with John McCain and Barack Obama...

faint

Okay Mark. Fess up. You made that one up yourself, right?
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/22/08 08:34 PM
Quote
Okay Mark. Fess up. You made that one up yourself, right?
Actually, I just modified the one I heard four years ago...

Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/22/08 08:51 PM
Overheard in Temple...(Think heavy Yiddish accent as you read this)

"Josh my old friend, I'm sorry I couldn't go fishing with you last week, but as you know it was the Holy Days and the whole family came to visit.

My grandson, he's only 5, wanted to go fishing so I took him and we went down to the pier. He doesn't have the sophisticated equipment that we have. We just took a broom-stick and tied a string on the end of it and tied on a hook.

We used bread to make dough-balls and he had such a good time playing in the water and trying to catch the tiny little bait-fish that were swimming around the pilings.

When it was almost time to go he let out a yell and the stick was almost pulled from his hands. I grabbed it just before he fell into the water and fought for two hours and 30 minutes before I landed a 350 pound marlin."

"Abe," replied his friend Josh, "I know what you mean, my old friend. I too couldn't go fishing because of the Holy Days and my family came to visit also. My little grandson, he's only 3 by the way, wanted to go fishing.

He too doesn't have the sophisticated equipment you and I use and Mamma wouldn't let us use her broom stick so I cut a stick from the tree in the back yard. I tied a string on it but didn't have any little hooks so I took a safety pin and bent it with my pliers and tied it to the string.

We got to the river down by the bridge where you and I used to fish when we were just boys and it was there that I realized that I had forgotten the bread to make dough-balls. But he didn't care, like I said he's only 3. So he played in the water and pretended like he was fishing and had such a great time.

When it was time to go I took the stick with the string with the safety pin I bent tied to the end and pulled in the line. Hanging on the bent safety pin tied to his line was a lantern. I cleaned it off and found a little plaque that said "1863". Inside the lantern was a candle...

Abe, it was burning..."


Abe leaned over and said "Josh, I'll tell you what. I'll knock off 200 pounds if you'll blow out the candle."

Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/22/08 09:19 PM
The boss sent three guys to qualify the new vendor. They were a hardware engineer, a software designer and the head of the marketing department.

The marketing guy was driving the rental when they heard a "Pop" and a tire started to go down.

The marketing manager pulled onto the shoulder and threw up his hands. "That's it," he said. "We need a new rental."

"Don't be silly," said the hardware guy. "We have a spare in the trunk. We'll unload our luggage, set up the jack, raise the car off the ground and change the right front tire. Then we'll just put everything back and try it. If that doesn't fix it, we'll pull over again, jack up the right rear change that one and just keep working clockwise around the car till we get the one that fixes it."

The software designer leaned against the car and said, "There's a Starbucks. Let's leave it alone for a half hour and see if it fixes itself."

Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/22/08 09:21 PM
How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?



It's a trick question. That would be a hardware problem.

Posted By: Resilient Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/22/08 10:52 PM
Originally Posted by Mark1952
The boss sent three guys to qualify the new vendor. They were a hardware engineer, a software designer and the head of the marketing department.

The marketing guy was driving the rental when they heard a "Pop" and a tire started to go down.

Mel = The marketing manager pulled onto the shoulder and threw up his hands. "That's it," he said. "We need a new rental."

Resilient = The software designer leaned against the car and said, "There's a Starbucks. Let's leave it alone for a half hour and see if it fixes itself."

Mark's on a ROLL!!!!! rotflmao

Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/22/08 11:02 PM
About the presidential race joke.....I'm totally at a loss as to what to do......I may vote for a woman who works in my office. Hey, for that matter, I'm qualified. If elected, I'll serve.
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/22/08 11:35 PM
Quote
Mark's on a ROLL!!!!!
Thank you...

Thank you...

Don't forget to tip your waitress.



Cinders,

I'll vote for ya.

My father used to say that the only guy that actually deserved to be president of the United States was the one they had to drag kicking and screaming down Pennsylvania Avenue and lock in the White House for 4 years...





Which reminds me of something I once read...


The Three Ages of Man:

"My Daddy says..."

"He's just my Old Man. What the he// does he know?"

and

"My father always used to say..."


Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/22/08 11:57 PM
Abe and Josh were lifelong business partners. After 50 years of running their company they got a really good offer and decided to sell it and retire.

They planned a cruise with their wives for that winter in the Caribbean but alas they both lost their wives before the cruise took place. Josh's wife died in a crash on her way back from the hairdresser's and Abe's wife died as the result of a stroke that left her comatose for nearly three months.

Brokenhearted and with no one left but each other, they decided to take the cruise together.

As it happened, there was a tremendous storm that came up that winter and the ship was being tossed and nearly swamped by the waves. Suddenly a huge wave hit the ship broadside and it rolled over and headed for the bottom, groaning as if in disbelief.

Josh and Abe both were able to get over the rail just as the wave hit since they were both seasick and had been hanging over the side when it struck.

Josh found a suitcase drifting in the water and grabbed onto it. He began searching for his lifelong friend in the water and finally after several panic filled minutes saw his friend Abe thrashing about in the waves several yards away just before he vanished over the crest of the next wave.

With the sun going down and the storm still raging he called out, "Abe! Abe my old friend. Can you float alone?"

From out of the gale came a familiar voice, "I'm drowning here <cough cough> and you're trying to do business?"

Badump-bump...

:crosseyedcrazy:

If it ain't funny, I must not be looking at it right...

Mark
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/23/08 12:06 AM
Do you realize that if all of us here pooled our credit we could do something really great, like ...

We could start our own state or maybe even country...

We could put folks to work on a big public works project...

We could build a bridge over the Mississippi River...

Lenghtwise...

And we could charge a toll for people to use it.

We could hire the in-laws to work the toll booths.

It's not like they have anything better to do...

We would raise so much money that we could buy MasterCard and Visa...

And then I could tear up my bills!

(Second half of the credit card routine from a couple days agao)

Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/23/08 12:28 AM
Two guys got into an altercation at the construction site.

They started by yelling and calling each other names and making references to each others mother's species.

Soon enough they came to blows and that is when the foreman stepped in and pulled them apart.

"What are you guys doing?" He shouted. You aren't proving anything with this kind of behavior. If you want to prove which of you is the better man then have some kind of competition or something."

"Like what?" one of the pugilists asked.

"Like...I don't know. See who can...Throw something the farther than the other guy."

"Throw what?" asked the other moron.

"Heck, I don't know..."the boss looked around. "We've got all these bricks, see who can throw a brick the farthest."

Soon the rest of the crew had gathered around and were placing bets on who would be able to win this competition.

The first guy walked over to the pile of bricks and looked several of them over, weighing them in his hand, searching for just the right one. He stepped up to the line and let it fly. It went about 50 yards and landed with a cloud of dust.

The second guy, about 100 pounds lighter than the first stepped up for his turn. He walked to the pile and selected a brown brick from the top of the pile. He stepped to the line, wound up and hurled the brick high into the air.

Up, up up went the brick. It went so high it disappeared from sight.

Everyone waited for it to return and it never did.

Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/23/08 12:43 AM
Back in the days when smoking was allowed on commercial aircraft, a little old lady with a parakeet in a small cage that she held in her lap was seated next to a guy smoking a cigar.

"Would you please put that out?" she asked politely.

"Why don't you put that bird out?" said the guy in a huff.

"That nasty cigar is bothering my birdie, "she said more emphatically.

"I frankly don't care about your bird, "he said.

"What seems to be the trouble here?" asked the flight attendant.

"Make him put that nasty old cigar out," said the little old lady.

"Tell her to ditch the bird, " said the man. "that stupid thing is making all this noise 'Tweet, tweet, tweet...How's a guy supposed to enjoy his flight with all that going on.

Finally the captain heard the commotion and came out of the cabin. "What seems to be the trouble here?" he asked.

"He won't put out his cigar and I asked him nicely," said the woman.

"Why does she even get to have a bird on a plane?" asked the man. "Why don't you make her put that thing back in the baggage compartment or something."

The captain knowing that this was going to be a really long flight tried to find someone to trade seats with one of the two but their were no takers. Running out of options and not wanting to return to his place of origin to let the authorities deal with it, he made a decision.

"That's it!" he interrupted the latest round of debate. "The cigar and the bird have to BOTH go."

He led the parties to the head and opened the door. The captain waited while the woman kissed her bird on the beak and said with a tear in her eye, "Goodbye my little birdie." The pilot placed the bird into the john and hit the lever.

There was a loud rush as the bird was ejected from the plane.

"Now the cigar and any more of them you have with you," the captain told the guy. Removing his case from his jacket the man threw them all into the john and the captain pulled the handle as the man said, "Stupid bird!"

2200 miles later they landed in silence and as the plane taxied toward the terminal the woman looked out the window and shouted, "LOOK! MY BIRDIE!

Everyone looked out the window and saw the bird walking beside the plane.

And in his mouth was...



Nope...







A brown brick!
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/23/08 01:21 AM
Originally Posted by cinderella
About the presidential race joke.....I'm totally at a loss as to what to do......I may vote for a woman who works in my office. Hey, for that matter, I'm qualified. If elected, I'll serve.

Do I need to spell my name for you?


Hmmmm, I had somehting witty to say buit I fortop waht it was. that galass ofwine wnet to my head.

I have to go now - time to clean house......
Posted By: Cymanca Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/23/08 08:17 AM

Quote
A man and his wife are making love. Deep in the throes of passion, they do not notice their 8 yr old son standing in the doorway with a look of terror on his face.

The man says to his wife "Oh lord. Id better go have a conversation with Timmy and explain a few things".

The man trudges down the hall and opens up his sons door, where is is SHOCKED to see Timmy going at it with Grandma. "MY GOD!" the man screams - "WHAT are you doing". Timmy replies...

"Not so funny when its your Mom, is it?"


It's 1:30 in the am and I am falling out of bed laughing!

Love sick humor!!!!
Posted By: at peace Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/23/08 02:46 PM
I hope no one is offended by this one, 'cause it totally cracks me up. grin

CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY

Question: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic : Only 1
Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal : 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians : None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic : None
Candles only.

Baptists : At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve
the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: 3
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons : 5
One man to change the bulb, and four to store several cases of bulbs in case of shortage someday.

Unitarians :
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists : Undetermined
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

Nazarene : 6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None
Lutherans don’t believe in change.

Amish :
What’s a light bulb?
Posted By: Krazy71 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/23/08 02:58 PM
How many Baptists does it take to change a lightbulb?

















CHANGE?!?!
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/23/08 04:58 PM
Krazy - that is only part of the reason the Baptists have trouble dealing with the light bulb - - - the other part is because darkness indicates a lack of 'walking in the light'....so, they may not acknowledge the darkness....


John 8:12 (Contemporary English Version)


12Once again Jesus spoke to the people. This time he said, "I am the light for the world! Follow me, and you won't be walking in the dark. You will have the light that gives life."


stickout
Posted By: aussieswife Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/23/08 05:12 PM
I need everyone to know that this was NOT my husband ... no witnesses so there. :RollieEyes: :twobyfour:


A bloke just recently back from a tour in Afghanistan has been visiting the various pubs with his mates. One night he comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad ... Nail Ale sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a roiling sea. He sloshes through the door and is met by his wife ... who is scowling ... figuring he's been out been living the life of Riley..... chatting up topless barmaids ,,, generally being pissed as a newt.

"Where the hell you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new pub," he says. "The Golden Swan. Everything there is golden."

"[censored]! There's no such place!"

Hubby says, "Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Swan. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Swan?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes, it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do."

"Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Boss, I think I got a lead on the fella who pissed in your saxophone!"
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/24/08 03:06 AM
Here's one for you .......

The federal government thinks it should prop up all these corporations by borrowing $700,000,000 from me!!!




rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao
Posted By: Dancing_Machine Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/24/08 03:17 AM
rotflmao

Yep, dey leavin' a BIG bill on da way out, ain't it?

Ah, jes' put is oan da tayub, nex' guy'll take care of it!

Posted By: Dancing_Machine Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/24/08 03:28 AM
Okay, I got one! My apologies if it's already been posted, I didn't look back at all the other pages I missed yet.

Anyway, here itiz:

the funniest blonde joke

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home


All I know is, "Thank God I'm a bottle blonde!!" (sing that to the tune of: "Thank God I'm a country boy!" And I do have those bottle blonde lyrics written down somewhere...gotta find 'em, dey is kinda funneh!)

Charlotte
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/24/08 03:29 AM
I almost had to post a puke but realized that would be OT!
Posted By: Dancing_Machine Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/24/08 03:32 AM
Yep, no sense startin' a bonfire (or should I say bondfire?) and gettin' da tread clos-ed up!

wink

rotflmao
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/24/08 03:42 AM
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go way ! And let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"
Posted By: Dancing_Machine Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/24/08 03:53 AM
rotflmao
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/24/08 02:07 PM
If you haven't read Neak's latest Dervish story (on Fem Hyg), you should!! It's hysterical.

rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/28/08 05:43 AM
Hey, it's rotflmao still funny!! rotflmao
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/28/08 06:17 AM

For all those people who have had a colonoscopy.. enjoy. For those who have not had one, your day will come... so enjoy now.




This is from news hound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:


I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'


I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.


I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.


The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.


MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.


After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.


Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.


When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I
knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.


I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.


There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that would be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.


'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.


I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


ABOUT THE WRITER

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. On the subject of Colonoscopies. .. Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.... . A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!


2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'


3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'


4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'


5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'


6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'


7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'


8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'


9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!


10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'


11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'


12. 'Wow, now I know why I am not gay.'


And the best one of all.


13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?










Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/28/08 02:04 PM
Great!! :RollieEyes: Just great!!! blush Simply marvelous! grumble Wonderful! rant2 Magnificent! :crosseyedcrazy:

faint

My doctor so gently says it's time to have my colon checked!

faint
Posted By: ChaiLover Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/28/08 02:23 PM
Oh thank yo Lil. I have been putting that procedure off for two years, even though colon cancer killed my Dad. I delivered my daughter naturally, so you would think that it would be no big deal. With me, I don't think the procedure itself is the problem, it's drinking that stuff. Yuk.
Posted By: jayne241 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/28/08 04:11 PM
Ummmmm.... ok I briefly debated whether or not to tell about my experience. You lose; I'm gonna tell.

So, during my C-section, my bowel was perforated; among other things, I ended up with a temporary ostomy bag. That means they ... how do you say? think ... tore me a new one. shocked Gave me a new a-hole, complete with a baggie to catch the stuff coming out.

So at one point they were doing something that I think is somewhat similar to what Dave Barry was talking about. Except I think they were just pushing liquid up there, maybe not a camera. I'm not sure; I was on drugs. cool

But here's why I don't trust docs. Ok one of many reasons.

Think about it. If the end that is attached from the top, you know, that the food comes into from my mouth, my stomach, empties out my side ... doesn't that mean that the end attached to the bottom, isn't attached to the top part? It's just closed off, doesn't open anywhere.

Well that doofus :RollieEyes: that was pushing the liquid in from below, kept waiting for the liquid to come out the baggie! :MrEEk: I asked him how that could happen since it isn't connected, and he said, oh yes both ends are connected... after a few minutes (wondering anxiously what he was doing to my insides!) I said again that the way my doc had explained it, the bottom end wasn't attached, it was just closed off... with the nurse giving him a funny look, he finally got it and said, ok you're prolly right, and stopped trying to force the liquid out into the baggie... faint

I wonder if this is TMI...
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/29/08 04:32 AM
faint faint faint faint faint

I don't think they're gonna get me in that doctor's office now....Oh, dear!!!

faint faint faint faint faint
Posted By: thndrnltng Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/29/08 05:18 AM
It was a very simple procedure. I'll tell you about it sometime but right now I'm going to sleep since I've studied Advanced Cardiac Life Support all day and have to go to class tomorrow to try and learn how to save the dummies. Can't wait.

Don't be afraid of your colonoscopy. You won't even know you had it. Let's put it this way. I have no memory of the things it is alleged that I said during the procedure! :MrEEk:
Posted By: Dancing_Machine Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/29/08 06:17 AM
Yeah, cinder, you'll just become the butt of many jokes, that's all. You don't have a THING to worry about!!

rotflmao
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/29/08 06:52 AM
Sticky First Date
==================

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date
story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City,
Utah.

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but
relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold
it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let
her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.

In the deep snow, she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic, and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All
she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was
quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humour of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he
burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something
hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal.

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to
get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the
audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Perhaps that should be 'pants down.'

And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment...
'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissedoff.'

Oh, and how did the first date turn out?
He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
Posted By: jayne241 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/29/08 07:46 AM
rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao hurray hurray hurray

As I was reading it, I was wondering if she ever saw the guy again!!!!!
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 09/29/08 01:01 PM
faint
Posted By: aussieswife Life in the Australian Army... - 09/29/08 07:10 PM
Dear Mum & Dad ,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers
Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform.
No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!
Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs, but there's
no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil, with
laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!

All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of cake!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I
gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks
like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 192 cm and 98 kg and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 170 cm and 52 kg wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to
get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila


think :twobyfour: dance2 rotflmao
Posted By: cinderella Re: Life in the Australian Army... - 09/30/08 12:37 AM
rotflmao
Posted By: lildoggie I like pepper - 09/30/08 01:15 AM
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.


The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.


A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, "I couldn't help but notice" he said, "that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you," she replied. "I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."


The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Black Pepper."
Posted By: cinderella Re: I like pepper - 09/30/08 02:40 AM
Today, I got an epidural steroid injection in my right SI joint. So, they roll me into this room and have me roll from the gurney onto the table thing with the x-ray sort of machine over it. And they pull my top up and my pants down and then the good-looking doctor walks in. Nothing like mooning a man who is going to jab needles down into the bones in your bum.

faint
Posted By: pomdbd3 Re: I like pepper - 09/30/08 01:31 PM
A man woke up with a terrible headache after a long night of drinking. He looked over at the nightstand to see a glass of water and two asprin. He sat up and saw that the outfit he wore the night before was washed and neatly pressed and hanging on the door. He touched his forehead and felt a huge bump at the top which hurt like the dickens. He took the asprin and glanced around the room.

He looked next to him and found a rose with a note. The note said, "Hon, I love you very much. I went to the market to buy things to make your favorite meal. I'll be home a little later. Love, Jill"

Baffled, he got up and went into the kitchen where he found his son sitting down and eating breakfast.

He noticed that the house looked fantastic and he could smell cleaner in the air, but noticed that the coffee table was broken.

"What happened last night?"

His son looked at him and said, "You came home very drunk around 3 AM. You walked in the door and passed out in the hallway. Mom heard you and came out to get you. She was helping you up when you puked on yourself. You stumbled forward, slipped in your own puke and then slammed your head on the new coffee table. Mom picked you up and took you to the bedroom. She was pretty ticked at you.

She managed to get you to the bed, laid you down and started to take off your pants. At that point you sat up and yelled at her, 'Hey! Get off me lady! I'M MARRIED AND LOVE MY WIFE!'"
Posted By: cinderella Re: I like pepper - 10/01/08 03:06 AM
Whatever Possessed Anyone To Make THIS???!!!
Posted By: jayne241 Re: I like pepper - 10/01/08 04:36 AM
"Push down gently on inner tube to make cervix look plump ("pouty", if you will). "
rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao

Posted By: jayne241 Re: I like pepper - 10/01/08 04:36 AM
Aw pom, thank you for the most heart-warming, feel-good joke I think I've ever heard!
Posted By: Dancing_Machine Re: I like pepper - 10/01/08 04:41 AM
A gift for someone with cervical cancer? Ewwwww....that's in very poor taste if that's the reason.

To sell to raise money for a cure for cervical cancer?

I don't know, it's just WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!

Charlotte
Posted By: lildoggie hunting - 10/01/08 05:04 AM
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Posted By: cinderella Re: I like pepper - 10/01/08 01:16 PM
Maybe it would be good to have a healthy womb? Maybe the project was conceived as a way to celebrate female-ness? I don't know..... Fortunately, I have never had cancer but I have read somewhere that someone knitted one of these for a friend who had just had a hysterectomy for an unstated reason.

Knitted Knockers
Posted By: cinderella Re: I like pepper - 10/01/08 02:51 PM
Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a completely different meaning to parents in a family...

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.

DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.

DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".


Posted By: cinderella Re: I like pepper - 10/02/08 03:18 AM
Charlotte, I just saw this posted on the page with the knitted naughties (see Chai's thread).......Hi! I just knitted up the cute uterus from Knitty--you can find it on knitty.com under the pattern section. It's called "womb". It is so funny. I've been trying to get pregnant for 2 years and have had 4 miscarriages...it just seemed so appropriate! I'm going to knit up a uterus for my infertility doctor as well for a good laugh. Hope this helps!


NOW, LISTEN UP EVERYONE!!!

Get back to the topic as posted!!!!!!
Posted By: imagine Re: I like pepper - 10/02/08 02:27 PM
Three men waiting outside the pearly gate: Their bodies grossly distorted.

The first explains "I knew my wife cheating when I arrived home early to our penthouse apartment. I must have just missed him. I frustration I picked up a heavy chest freezer and tossed it over the balcony. Apart from the hernia, I suffered cardiac arrest and... well here I am."

The second continues: "I was walking along the road just quietly minding my own business when I was savagely struck from above by a chest freezer"

There is a looong pause.

The third man begins: "I was quietly sitting in this chest freezer..."


Posted By: cinderella Re: I like pepper - 10/02/08 08:06 PM
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned: "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
Posted By: aussieswife Re: I like pepper - 10/02/08 08:29 PM
It was testimony night in the church. A lady got up and said, "We are living in a wicked land where sin is on every hand. I have had a terrible fight with the old devil all week."

Whereupon her husband, who was sitting glumly by her side said, "It's not all my fault either; she's tough to get along with!"
Posted By: cinderella Re: I like pepper - 10/02/08 08:32 PM
rotflmao
Posted By: aussieswife Re: I like pepper - 10/02/08 08:35 PM
For those men who like pushing the barriers ..........



"Honey," said the husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for dinner."

"What?... Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for dinner?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

naughty
Posted By: aussieswife Re: I like pepper - 10/02/08 08:39 PM
Foe those men who never learn ...

A man is waiting in line for a hit movie. Behind him are two women. The usher comes along and says that he has two seats together. Seeing the problem, the usher says to the man. "How about letting them go first mate. You wouldn't want to separate a woman from her mum, would you?"

The man says, "No fear. Gawd I did that once, and I've been sorry ever since."
skeptical
Posted By: Enlightened_Ex Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/02/08 08:46 PM
The church gossip

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic, after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house.......and left it there all night.

Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/03/08 12:09 AM
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a ride in the car, he sticks his head out the window?

If PRO means 'for' and CON means 'against' and since PROgress means to make headway in a specific direction or toward a specific goal, what does CONgress mean?

Just wondering...

Mark
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/03/08 12:15 AM
A plethora of individuals with culinary expertise can ruin a concoction created by steeping assorted comestibles.


Members of an avian species of like plumage tend to congregate in large numbers.


Those dwelling in shelters made of thin layers of a transparent super-cooled liquid made of silica, lime and water should never hurl projectiles.




Thanks to Howard Cosell and Spiro Agnew.




Posted By: not2fun Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/03/08 12:24 AM
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
This was sent to me the other day from WS, who is in the financial planning industry..... grin



When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her,

"but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.


Not2fun

Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/03/08 12:29 AM
On an island way out on the middle of the ocean lived a king that was dearly loved by his people. He was a gracious and benevolent ruler and wise judge.

His subjects loved him so much that they secretly pooled all the gold they had and made for him a solid gold throne. Though he tried to refuse it when presented to him as a gift, the people insisted and it was his most prized possession, not because of its worth but because of its meaning.

But like all remote places on Earth eventually civilization began to catch up with this little island and before long there were tourists arriving every day to enjoy the sand, the sun and the surf.

As the crime rate rose on the little island nation the king's faithful servant feared that one of these visitors would covet the king's throne and attempt to steal it and haul it away. He finally convinced the king that they should hide it whenever the tourists were about.

So the king and his faithful servant used ropes to lift the throne high into the rafters of the king's thatched-roof dwelling and hid it with palm fronds.

What they couldn't have known was that the rafters had begun to dry rot form all the humidity on this tiny island and they had become weakened. In the middle of the night they gave way and the throne came crashing down and killed the beloved king as he slept on his mat.

The moral of the story is...

People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.


Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/03/08 12:33 AM
A guy goes into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.


Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

Customer says, "Female."

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

Customer says, "White."

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

Customer says, "What the h@ll does religion have to do with it?"




Counter guy says, "The Muslim one, blows itself up!"

Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/03/08 12:53 AM
Three guys are wandering lost in the desert. They've been without water for a couple of days and food for almost a week.

Suddenly they hear a noise overhead, "FOO...FOO..."

They look up and see this gigantic bird flying above them. Just as they look up, the bird craps and it hits one the men, "SPLAT," right on the head.

"What the...? the guys says and brushes it off his face cursing.

Within minutes he lays on the ground gasping for breath. Within an hour he's dead.

His friends bury him in the sand and continue their wandering.

The next afternoon they hear this sound, "FOO...FOO..." They see the bird coming from in the distance and try to scramble toward some rocks to find shelter. But before they get there the bird craps and it hits one of them right between the shoulder blades.

"Damned bird" the guy exclaims as he struggles to get his shirt off.

As he fights with his clothing he begins to shake then falls to the ground gasping for air. His remaining friend sits with him all night and watches his second friend die a slow agonizing death.

He buries his friend and continues trying to find his way to safety. Nearing exhaustion and suffering from dehydration, he sees a town off in the distance and struggles to pick up the pace. The town is a long way off, much farther than he first would have guessed and before long he is literally crawling along trying to reach safety.

Then he hears it..."FOO...FOO..." and he crawls faster unable to get to his feet to run. Again it comes across the burning sand..."FOO...FOO..." and then he gets hit squarely on the back of his head..."SPLAT!"

He is about to brush it off when he stops and thinks. "My friends died, but they didn't die until they cleaned this [censored] off." If it was the [censored] that killed them, then I will die...."

"But if it was cleaning it off that caused them to die, then maybe if I leave it..."

Just then he hears another noise. This one is a low droning sound that seems to be getting nearer by the second. From out of nowhere two guys on ATVs appear. They see him at once and rush over to find him nearly dead. They offer him some water and tell him they are part of a rescue party that his wife has brought together to try to find him.

As he begins to recover, he tells them of the bird. The guys figure he is just delusional and load him onto one of the ATVs and take him to safety.

Back in civilization, he keeps his promise to not clean off the bird poop and goes on to a happy and prosperous life with his wife and children and grandchildren.

The moral, of course, is...

If the FOO sh!ts, wear it!
Posted By: aussieswife Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/03/08 02:48 AM
Roger marries at 85
At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more "action".
Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action".
And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I was here already ?"

The moral of the story : Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has Its advantages. laugh
Posted By: aussieswife Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/03/08 02:49 AM
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said,
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven.
"The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said,
"Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/03/08 02:52 AM
This is a true story.....

I went to this conservative Christian high school. They hired a minister to teach my Bible class my senior year. The extent of my recollection of what he taught us is the following song:

Oh, the cannibal king
With the brass nose ring
Made love to the Zulu maid
And, every night, in the pale moonlight,
This is what they'd sing

We'll build a bamboo bungalow for two
Big enough for two, my darling
Big enough for two
When we get married,
Happy we'll be
Under the bamboo, under the bamboo tree

Boom boom boom boom
Boom boom boom boom boom boom
Match in a gas tank
Boom boom
Posted By: aussieswife Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/03/08 02:57 AM
A Quick Check for Alzheimer's

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at the University of WA.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down
Posted By: aussieswife Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/03/08 02:59 AM
Rella

I want a mp3 of you singing that one !!!!!! grin
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/03/08 03:17 AM
I sang it for a friend the other day and she nearly fell out.....you know, that song was definitely NOT part of the curriculum. I swear, that story is the truth.......I will go to my grave telling that story.
Posted By: imagine Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/03/08 07:24 PM
Mr and Mrs Potato were walking down the road, when a vehicle jumped kerb and ran over the luckless Mr Potato.
He was immediately rushed off to the local hospital where immediate surgery was performed.

The operation lasted a full ten hours while Mrs Potato and all his good spuddies waited outside the operating theatre. Eventually the haggard surgeon emerged and spoke to the worried spouse:

"Mrs Potato, I have both good and bad news."

"Pray tell, doctor." said anxious Mrs Potato.

The doctor explained: "The good news is that the operation was a complete and utter success."

"Then what is the bad news sir?" frowned Mrs Potato.

The great doctor's face grew stern and whispered softly "I'm afraid that your husband will be a vegetable for the rest of his life..."

Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/03/08 07:39 PM
rotflmao
Posted By: Dancing_Machine Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/03/08 08:20 PM
LMAO!! Yeah, the "stow thrones" one is one of my favorites!!

rotflmao
Posted By: imagine Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/05/08 06:27 PM
Ahem...

What goes... Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaah Bonk!








A man laughing his head off.


I hope those of you that found this one particularly funny were insured...

Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/06/08 03:20 AM
GROAN!!!!!!!!
Posted By: bigkahuna Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/06/08 04:03 AM
- Marriage Therapy
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15
years they had been married. She went on and on and
on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved
and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured
over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking
the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The
therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,..
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on
Fridays, I fish."
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/06/08 04:10 AM
*Free Will*

A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.

When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause.

Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes."
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/15/08 08:11 AM
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest."

To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"

But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/15/08 01:16 PM
that's good, Lil!
Posted By: InLikeFlynn Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/15/08 04:33 PM

George W Bush
This guy went to heaven and St Peter met him…….

The Guy asks St Peter “What are all those clocks hanging up there?”

St Peter says “Those are time clocks and every time you tell a lie your personal clock moves”

The Guy asks “Well whose clock is that?”

St Peter says “That is Mother Teresa’s and it never moves…she never tells a lie”

The Guy looked at the next clock and asked “Well chose clock is that one”

St Peter says “Well that is Abraham Lincoln’s and it has only moved twice”

The Guys asks “Well where is George W Bush’s clock?”

St Peter says “Well Jesus has it up in his office and is using it as a ceiling fan”
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/15/08 04:59 PM
rotflmao rotflmao hurray rotflmao rotflmao
hurray hurray hurray rotflmao hurray hurray hurray
rotflmao rotflmao hurray rotflmao rotflmao
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/17/08 01:24 AM
THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning ... Uphill... barefoot… BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, There was no way in hell I was going to lay A bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it And how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my Childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you Don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write Somebody a letter, with a pen!
...Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to Steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you Were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, Your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you Just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games Like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You Actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or
Screens, it was just one screen Forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting Harder and harder and Faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!


You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what was On! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had to get off Your [censored] and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons
On Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK For cartoons, you spoiled Little rat-b@stards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat Something up we had to use the stove .... Imagine that!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids Today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
Five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd
Posted By: imagine Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/18/08 09:54 PM
A middle aged lady walks out a supermarket pushing a trolley. There is a vagabond standing near her trolley as she unloads the goods into her car's trunk.

The vagrant seems to register all the contents of the trolley, then observes slowly and sagely: " Madam... I see that you have not yet married"

The woman checks through her purchases... fat free milk, tartrizine free crisps, fresh vegetables, biogradable soap, glutone free bread... She is somewhat surprised and amazed by this uncannily accurate statement.

"Yes," she replies, "you are perfectly correct. How on earth did you deduce that I was a spinster"

"Well..." the tramp expounds, "because you are ...UGLY"

Posted By: aussieswife Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/19/08 04:43 AM


What do you call a blonde skeleton in a clothes closet?


The 1960 hide-and-go-seek champion.

:twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour:

Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/19/08 04:44 AM
THE BEST WAY TO PRAY

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer: "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/19/08 04:49 AM
Kiwi Jokes

A tour bus full of tourists stops by a farmer holding a sheep. One of them calls out "are you shearing?".
The farmer yells back, in an unhappy tone 'NO, **** off and get your own!'

Why does New Zealand have some of the fastest race horses in the world?
Because the horses have seen what they do with their sheep

A tourist from the US was driving around NZ. He was a bit tired and thought he needed somewhere to stay the night before getting to Queenstown. Then out of the darkness ran a bull, he couldn't avoid it, drove into it and killed it. He was still able to drive the car, so feeling guilty he drove to the farm house. He knocked on the door, The farmer answered the door. The American said 'Im very sorry but I've killed your bull and would like to replace it.'
The farmer said 'No dramas mate, go around the back you'll find all the cows in the shed, go for your life'

An Elephant, a penguin and a kiwi walk into a Central Otago Pub. 'Whats going on?' asks the bartender suspiciously. 'Is this supposed to be some kind of joke?'

Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/20/08 01:28 PM
Get a laugh by checking out this!
Posted By: pomdbd3 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/20/08 09:21 PM
A fitting joke in election season:

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in? says the senator.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his
friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above...

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says 'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.'
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/20/08 09:28 PM
Quote
The devil looks at him, smiles and says 'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.'

rotflmao rotflmao

I think lots of people will be surprised this way if they vote for ___________. (I ain't going there flirt)
Posted By: Gamma Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/21/08 12:22 AM
Ok,

A man was talking to his wife about how wonderful America will be if OBAMA is elected, his wife says what's so great about him, what is he really going to do for us?

He say I'll call him up and try to meet with him and ask him. Oddly all this works out and they meet and have breakfast at OBAMAs house.

He asks him what he plans for the US, OBAMA replies look outside that window, the man looks outside. OBAMA says what do you see? The man sees nicely manicured lawns, beautiful houses on a wide street and several well dressed visitors walking up the drive way. OBAMA then says in three years all of America will look like that with my socialist agenda.

The man goes home and tells his wife look out the window what do you see. The wife looks out and sees abandoned decrepit houses, a check cashing agency with hookers walking by, trash everywhere and a group of hoods on the corner. In three years all of America will look like that.

NJ
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/21/08 12:57 AM
Milk Switch

To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter asked one morning whether the milk was okay.

"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. "Why do you ask?"

The daughter explained, "Well, according to the expiration date, this milk expired two years ago!"
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/21/08 02:13 AM
These three guys are out having a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now, one of these guys just doesn't believe it.

“OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q.”

“Done.” Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly — and analyzing it with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed he asks the mermaid to triple his I.Q. All of a sudden, the guy starts to spout the solutions to mathematical problems that have stymied chemists, physicists and mathematicians since the beginning of time. The last guy is so impressed that he asks the mermaid to quintuple his I.Q. The mermaid looks at him, very concerned.

“I don't normally try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I'd really wish you'd reconsider.”

“No way. I want you to quintuple my I.Q., and if you don't, I won't set you free.”

“Please,” says the mermaid, “you don't know what you're asking... it will change your entire view of the universe...won't you ask for something else...10 million dollars, anything?” But the man remains steadfast. The mermaid sighs and says, “Done!” And he becomes a woman.
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/23/08 04:00 AM
What a great story.-----


Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'

Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'
Posted By: NMDreams Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/23/08 04:16 AM
Originally Posted by princessmeggy
Quote
The devil looks at him, smiles and says 'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.'

rotflmao rotflmao

I think lots of people will be surprised this way if they vote for ___________. (I ain't going there flirt)

Michele Bachmann? Oh, I absolutely agree!

Posted By: jayne241 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/23/08 07:39 AM
Hey lil, is this your bike?



Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/23/08 08:04 AM
This version is better flirt

JCFC
Posted By: jayne241 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/23/08 08:09 AM
rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao

"vroom vroom! flirt "
Posted By: jayne241 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/23/08 08:11 AM
BTW it took me awhile but I finally got it... he was *replacing* the bull...
faint rotflmao rotflmao
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/23/08 08:28 AM
oooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

nope, over my head
Posted By: jayne241 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/23/08 08:57 AM
Lil said...

Quote
A tourist from the US was driving around NZ. He was a bit tired and thought he needed somewhere to stay the night before getting to Queenstown. Then out of the darkness ran a bull, he couldn't avoid it, drove into it and killed it. He was still able to drive the car, so feeling guilty he drove to the farm house. He knocked on the door, The farmer answered the door. The American said 'Im very sorry but I've killed your bull and would like to replace it.'
The farmer said 'No dramas mate, go around the back you'll find all the cows in the shed, go for your life'
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/23/08 01:41 PM
Lil, your version was gross and hysterical. However, I really LOVED the animation on the other version.
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/24/08 06:32 AM
OIC Jayne, I forgot about that joke.
Cinderella, i am sorry you dont appreiciate Julien laugh
and now for something different

Following are answers given by elementary school-age children to the given questions:


Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the Scotch Tape is.

2. Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.

3. Mostly to clean the house.

4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.



How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic, plus super powers, and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.



Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We are related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.



What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.



What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.



How did your mom meet your dad?

1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.



What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?



Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.



What makes a real woman?

1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.



Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad is such a goofball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.





What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power because that's who you have to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.



What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't have spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.



What's the difference between moms and grandmas?

1. About 30 years.

2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them.



Describe the world's greatest mom?

1. She would be able to make broccoli taste like ice cream.

2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts.

3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.



Is anything about your mom perfect?

1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.

2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.

3. Just her children.



What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.



If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my mom smarter -- then she would know my sister did it and not me.
Posted By: why_us Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/24/08 01:55 PM
Here is a story from real life. I heard it from a coworker and we laughed so much that we almost hurt ourselves.

Her father once had a fox terrier that was six months old. When they took the dog to her grandparents’ farm for the first time, the dog was excited about the barn houses and all new smells. Her grandparent kept horses and the dog walked into the stable. The dog sniffed around on the floor and suddenly one of the horses bent down his head and let out a puff of air on the dog. The dog jumped backwards about one yard, bounced forward on his back legs – and bit the horse in the muzzle. The horse was astonished by this reaction from such a tiny creature and raised his head abruptly, knocking it into the ceiling. Horses have sensitive heads, and this one knocked himself out and fell down on the floor without any sign of life. My friend’s father prepared himself to tell his parents that the puppy had killed the horse. Meanwhile, the dog ran up to the horse, climbed up on the back of the lying animal and barked him in the ear.

The horse recovered and appeared to have no physical injury from the incident. But the dog kept harassing the horse for the rest of his life. They could never be in the same place since the dog would bark and jump up and nibble the poor horse. Fox terriers are hardy breeds for sure. grin
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/24/08 04:50 PM
rotflmao

Too funny! I have a horse story too.

My friend and her husband who were newly married (about a week) and had just transferred to Texas from up noth decided they'd act like real Texans and go horseback riding. My friend had never ridden a horse but she was game.

Things were going great... on the way out... and she thought she was becoming a true Texan and great horseperson... even threw in a few y'alls to impress her new husband. That was until they were on their way back and she accidentally dropped the reins.

Well you know the old saying about a horse headed for the barn? This horse evidently saw this as his chance. Sensing my friends panic ... he took off at a full gallop... heading for the barn. My friend grabbed hold of his mane and she held on for dear life. By now her boots had come out of the stirrups and she was bouncing about a foot off the saddle timed to the horse's gait as the horse ran.

Fortunately as the horse neared the barn, one of the trailguides managed to grab the horse and slow him down.

When my friend dismounted on rubbery legs, she was truly embarrassed. See it seems that every time she bounced, she would pee a little in her jeans. By the time they made it back to the barn, her jeans were soaked.

Adding to her embarrassment was having to find a towel to put on the leather seats in the convertible they had rented for the occassion.

She STILL won't go near a horse!
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/26/08 06:30 AM
Despite the disclaimer at the end, my BIL actually works with the guy and insists this did happen. He send me the link

sickie faker busted on facebook
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/26/08 06:31 AM
Happy Halloween...



A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/26/08 06:34 AM
Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building. The Italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The Chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The blond opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time I'm going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"

So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death. That weekend at the funeral, the Italian and the Chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me." And as the two wives stare at the blond's wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husbands death. She replied, "Don't look at me, he packed his own lunch."
Posted By: NMDreams Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/26/08 11:14 PM
I'm rather fond of this cartoon
Posted By: RMX Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/27/08 05:55 AM

http://amnesiablog.wordpress.com/2008/10/22/facebook-epic-fail-email-viral/

HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/27/08 06:25 PM
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"


"IMPOSSIBLE !" said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together."

Posted By: princessmeggy Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/27/08 09:42 PM
rotflmao

I bet that's a hard joke to tell after you've had a few!
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/28/08 09:15 PM
*THE IRISH BLONDE*

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty Thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm Completely nude.'
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her Clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb Founded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'



Moral Of The Story
* Not all Irish are stupid;
* Not all blondes are dumb;
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/28/08 09:41 PM
A little video for some laughter
Posted By: jayne241 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/28/08 10:46 PM
Don't blame me, this one's from my sister.
********************************************
A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night,when behind
him
he hears:


BUMP...



BUMP...



BUMP...




Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image
of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward
him.



BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...





Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him.




FASTER...



FASTER...




BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP....



He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes
in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through
his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.


clappity-BUMP...



clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


on his heels, as the terrified man runs.



Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.









Bumping and clapping toward him.





The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find
is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the
casket...


and,























(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)














The coffin (coughing) stops.
Posted By: Resilient Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/28/08 10:58 PM
Vicks or Robitussin? laugh
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/29/08 12:16 AM
rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/29/08 02:40 AM
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , etc.

All that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You know... They have frozen glasses.... '

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't belong. I'll be right back.. I promise. OK?'

'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps and little quiches.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar.... You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? (edited because I am a nice girl)LISTEN UP, DUMBO! SIT YOUR BUM DOWN, SHUT YOUR BIG TRAP UP, DRINK YOUR STINKING BEER IN YOUR STINKING FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED AND YOU AREN'T GOING TO A STUPID BAR. THAT'S OVER! GOT IT, DUMBO?'
Posted By: marryK Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/29/08 03:09 AM
Forgive my spelling,, There was a man from louisiana who had a 25 inch penis. He so deperatly wanted a woman but none would have him. He went to several doctors and surgons. He was told that nothing could be done for him. In desperation he went to the oldest doctor he could find seeking forgotton knowledge. He told the old man about his lifelong problem . The old doc sat silent for several minutes...... He then said go to Marie louvos Vodo shop in New orleans and tell the old witch what it is you are seeking. He made his way to Maries shop and found the witch. He told her of his plight and the 25 inch penis . She disappeared into the back room for quite some time . She reappeared with a map. She told the man of a magical frog that lived deep in the biou . She said you will recognise the magical frog by a tiny gold crown that it has on its head. When you see this frog ask it only this question... Mr frog will you marry me? The man took the map and left thinking that this is foolish . A few days later he reconsidered and sat of to find the frog. He followed the map deep into the swamps and low and behold he saw before him a frog with a gold crown. His hopes soared . He approached the frog . The frog looked at him and he look back. He then asked.. Mr frog will you marry me? The frog replied NO..... The man felt his peinis suddenly shrink. He took it out and looked at it and it was 5 inches shorter. He was estatic.. But after thinking about it he realised that a 20 in penis was not any better as he didnt think any women would want anything that large. So he asked the frog again ,,, Mr frog will you marry me ? The frog replied NO... Suddenly he felt his penis shink again. upon looking it over it was 15 inches long. The man was happyer than he ever was in his life . He though I know its to big but I bet I can now find a woman who would be willing to give him a chance.... He thought for a few more minutes and then said to himself ,, If it was just another 5 inches shorter he would then have the perfect penis... So he asked the frog one more time ,,, Mr frog will you marry me? The frog replied , HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU NO, NO, NO,
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/29/08 03:14 AM
rotflmao
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/29/08 04:07 AM
Not sure if this one violates TOS but if that other one got thru.... laugh

A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint. . .
when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala
where they enjoyed a few joints.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry'
and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far
over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and
helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,
'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he
was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,
got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked
into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was
sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude.....

How much water did you drink?!!

Posted By: jayne241 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/29/08 05:03 AM
:crosseyedcrazy: rotflmao laugh laugh laugh rotflmao rotflmao
Posted By: jayne241 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/29/08 05:05 AM
Another from sis...

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American <or country of your choice> flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?'

The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,

.
.
.


'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/29/08 06:43 AM
carol burnett infidelity humour

dont watch if your still a bit sensitive
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/13/08 04:46 AM
I was at my bank today.

There was a short line.
Just one lady in front of me.

An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat
dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too!'
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/13/08 05:06 AM
grin
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/13/08 05:13 AM
Originally Posted by lildoggie
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too!'

rotflmao rotflmao
Posted By: imagine Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/13/08 06:47 PM
An American soldier is assigned R&R to a British rehabilitation camp. As luck would have it, he finds himself on a train traveling towards his destination during peak hour.

He looks for a resting spot while carrying his heavy rucksack. Eventually, he spies a middle aged woman sitting next to a Maltese poodle which occupies an empty seat.

"Excuse me ma'am" he says "May I sit here?"
"Young man," she replies coldly, "you are extremely rude."

Nonplussed, he continues his search but with no success.

He returns to the woman and her dog then tries again:
"Ma'am, I would be happy to hold your dog if you would allow me to sit there..."

"Young man," she chides, "I see that you are not only rude, but persistent too."

Embarrassed, the soldier turns away in the hope of finding vacated seating.

Once again he is unlucky enough to find the only spare seat is occupied by this woman's dog.

He pleads with her: "Ma'am, I am fierce weary and would be mightily obliged if I could recover on this chair."

"Clearly young man," observes the woman, "you have added obnoxiousness to your repertoire."

Frustrated, the young soldier goes to the window and opens it. He grabs the poodle and then tosses the animal through the aperture. Finally, he slumps down on to the seat.

The entire carriage is stunned and shocked.

Eventually an elderly man speaks up:
"Young man, I do not know whether you are rude, persistent or even obnoxious. I do know that you Americans tend to do things in the most peculiar way..."
"You drive on the wrong side of the road. You are uncertain which hand to hold your knife and fork, and now, and NOW.... you throw the wrong b*tch out of the window!"





Posted By: jayne241 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/13/08 07:43 PM
rotflmao

See??? [censored] (I said b!tch) should not be censored! Especially since damn is not. LOL

I've been exchanging emails with a guy about a pregnant [censored]. She's in Germany right now. I like the looks of her. Unfortunately H doesn't want another [censored] in the house.

rotflmao

Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/13/08 10:28 PM
Hey, when you are talking about female dogs, that work is the appropriate word!

***edit***

From the MBDB TOS: Derision of the Marriage Builders staff will not be tolerated. Questions regarding moderating actions should be addressed via email to the mods or board Admin, Justuss, and not discussed or debated on the forums. -Maverick, MBDB Moderator
Posted By: jayne241 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/13/08 10:34 PM
Yep.

She's a very nice [censored], I sure wish H would give her a chance. Damn.
Posted By: imagine Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/14/08 12:50 AM
Have you two finished bitching?

See... What the problem?
Posted By: jayne241 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/14/08 02:43 AM
:MrEEk:

Well that's just a hellish remark.
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/14/08 04:30 AM
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell a story. Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the
truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story.
Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of
bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
Billy replies, "Don't [censored] with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/14/08 06:17 AM
Little Willy, with a grin,
Drank up all his Daddy's gin.
His Mother said when he got plastered
Go to bed you little...
Bad boy...

Posted By: Tabby1 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/14/08 01:18 PM
Fall Classes for Men at
THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTRE

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, November 14 2008
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks..

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.



Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors..

Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/14/08 01:51 PM
I may need to sign my son up. He still hasn't figured out the dish part. Can you add a hygiene class for teenaged boys?
Posted By: jayne241 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/14/08 04:29 PM
This is the one my sons need:

Quote
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours

I fear I'm gonna owe my future DILs a huge apology for not training them better.
Posted By: imagine Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/18/08 12:07 AM
An young oilman was working some months in the Alaskan oilfields had some difficulty fitting in with the locals.

Finally it came to a head at the village pub when he challenged the company that he worked as hard as the rest of them and demanded to know what it took to become "one of them".

Eventually, his question was answered by a craggy old rigger.

He said: "First, you must drink a full measure of the Eskimo drink"
"Second, you must shoot the polar bear in his lair. And last, you must lie with an Eskimo woman"

"Fair enough." replied the young man "Fill up"

The bartender served him a mug of liquid that could have doubled as paint thinner.

"Right" gasped the game lad, "Where's your polar bear?"

Shortly he found himself staggering across the threshold of an ice cavern while firmly clasping a borrowed hunting rifle.

His Eskimo companions waited patiently at a safe distance while their colleague proceeded to hunt.

Suddenly, the evening air was shattered by the sound of a menacing growl. This was met by a human cry followed by a squeal, a scream, and then horrible persistent moaning until... nothing.

While the Eskimo's debated their next course of action, a tragic figure emerged from the cave. The poor man's clothing was shredded. Blood oozed freely through the fabric. The young man's frame had clearly suffered massive trauma. His weapon remained unused and dragged limply at his side.

The brave Eskimos rushed forward to offer help.

"What can we do?" they asked.

The young oilman steadied himself, leaned shakily on the rifle and defiantly replied:

"Jussh show me tha' Esshkimo woman I gotta ssshoot"
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/25/08 09:07 AM
All hail the commenwealth!

THANKSGIVING IN THE UK

A few years ago, an American and a British journalist were discussing Thanksgiving on a British radio program. The American asked if Thanksgiving was celebrated in the UK.

"Yes," the British journalist replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of September."

"Why then?"

"That's when you chaps left."
Posted By: piojitos Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/25/08 11:38 AM
Un Gallego va a Paris de vacaciones. Un día, el Gallego está caminando por los Campos Elíseos y se fija en una mujer bien vestida de blusa y falda corta cuando de repente la mujer se calle en plena avenida. El pobre Gallego se queda con boca abierta. Casi inmediatamente un hombre se acerca a la mujer y le ofrece la mano. La mujer le dice “gracias” mientras el hombre le ayuda pararse. Cuando en fin la mujer otra vez está de pie, empieza sacudir su falda y el hombre sencillamente le dice a la mujer “C’est la vie”. La mujer abre su bolsa para sacar dinero y le da un euro al hombre e empieza caminar. Pues en este momento el Gallego se pone encabronado. Está molestísimo y grita “YO TAMBIEN SE LA VI Y NO ME DIO NADA!”.

rotflmao
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/25/08 02:19 PM
Pio, that got mangled by Babelfish:

Gallego goes to Paris of vacations. A day, Gallego is walking by the Elíseos Fields and he pays attention to a good woman dressed blouse and short skirt when suddenly the woman street in the heat of reconciled. The Galician poor man remains with open mouth. Almost immediately a man approaches the woman and he offers the hand to him. The woman says “to thanks” while the man to him aid to stop itself to him. When in aim the woman is again standing up, she begins to shake his skirt and the man simply says to the woman “C'est the vie to him”. The woman abre her stock market to remove money and she gives a Euro him to the man and begins to walk. Then at this moment Gallego puts itself encabronado. He is molestísimo and he also shouts “I I SAW MYSELF AND HE DID NOT GIVE ANYTHING ME”.
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/25/08 10:10 PM
:gobblegobble: Uses for Thanksgiving Turkeys! :gobblegobble:
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/26/08 07:44 AM
Fairy Tale With A Moral

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.

He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio
thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story......Pay your bills

Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/26/08 08:05 AM
faint
Posted By: Dancing_Machine Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/26/08 08:06 AM
rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao
Posted By: piojitos Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/26/08 09:04 AM
Quote
Pio, that got mangled by Babelfish:

It's not funny in English - only in Spanish.

It has to do with "c'est le vie" (french) versus "se la vi" (spanish). Both pronounced the same but VERY different meanings.
Posted By: jayne241 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/26/08 04:03 PM
Splain to us, por favor???
flirt

ETA: Ah, I saw it!

Still a bit confused. Oh well, C'est la vie.

ETA again...: AH!!!!!!!!! rotflmao
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/26/08 10:55 PM
Well, if it isn't funny in English, you could have found a joke in English.
Posted By: Kalahari Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/27/08 06:42 AM
Fascinating Biology Facts ...

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is
the male sperm.

It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are 20x stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumb.
Posted By: Kalahari Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/27/08 06:44 AM
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started.
Posted By: Kalahari Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/27/08 06:44 AM
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, 'I look
horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'

He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/27/08 07:04 AM
Quote
Women blink twice as often as men.

well I did after reading the thumb fact

rotflmao
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/27/08 07:10 AM

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.
'I know,' she said,'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'








Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/03/08 08:33 PM
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:


When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/03/08 08:45 PM
rotflmao

:MrEEk:

rotflmao

rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/03/08 08:53 PM
flirt
Posted By: weaver Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/03/08 09:06 PM
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied:
"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

Posted By: imagine Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/03/08 10:13 PM
Originally Posted by weaves
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied:
"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

Aaaaarghh!!!
Posted By: imagine Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/03/08 10:18 PM
A cargo ship carrying a consignment of yo-yo's was struck by a terrible typhoon soon after leaving the harbour at Hong Kong.





It sank 47 times....
Posted By: wildhorses74 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/03/08 10:21 PM
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.




These made me laugh out loud when I received it as an email. SOMEONE broke the code. smile

Fox
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/04/08 02:59 AM
hurray
Posted By: Kalahari Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/12/08 10:27 AM
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on
a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big
feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.
Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody
ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
Posted By: Kalahari Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/12/08 10:28 AM
Husband and wife are in bed together.

She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.

She: "Oh, that feels good."

His hand moves to her breast.

She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."

His hand moves to her leg.

She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."

But he stops.

She: "Why did you stop?"

He: "I found the remote."
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/12/08 02:27 PM
Funny Pooches!

Have a laugh!
Posted By: jayne241 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/30/08 07:45 AM
Do y'all know that cartoon old lady Maxine? Here's some Maxine quotes (it helps to remember she's American; apologies to our lawyer friends!):

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.

Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/30/08 07:55 AM
Love the cow joke rotflmao

Ok, here is my contribution...

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/30/08 07:58 AM
Another...

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out fires.


Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks

Posted By: jayne241 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/30/08 08:09 AM
rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao
Posted By: jayne241 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/30/08 08:11 AM
HOW TO WASH A TOILET

1. Put both lids of the toilet up
And add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
And run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Posted By: aussieswife Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/30/08 08:14 AM
An American soldier wanted to become an Irish soldier, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this.

"Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the American. "I've always wanted to in the Irish Brigade and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the American woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor.

"I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said.

"Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out".

The patient replied, "No worries, mate... always wanted to join the Australian SAS!!"


rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao

me bad laugh
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/30/08 08:26 AM
Originally Posted by jayne241
HOW TO WASH A TOILET

1. Put both lids of the toilet up
And add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
And run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao

Oh man, i think I peed myself
Posted By: aussieswife Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/30/08 08:28 AM
Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.

Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"

The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.

The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

faint
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/30/08 08:30 AM
I have an aussie joke somewhere, just looking for it.
In the meantime...

This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!!

Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has
become dangerous...

Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the b*stard.

Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more h*rny. Help me!

Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and scr*w himself and he did.

Day 16
The b*stard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...[censored]! Here he comes again!

Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/30/08 08:32 AM
Found it!

AUSTRALIAN LOVE POEM



Yes there is such a thing, sad as it is!

Who said Australians weren't romantic?



Of course I love ya darlin

You're a bloody top-notch bird

And when I say you're gorgeous

I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side

I don't mind a bit of flab

It means that when I'm ready

There's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more

I tell ya, I don't care

So long as when I cuddle ya

I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age

Has nice round perky breasts

They just gave in to gravity

But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now

I never tell ya lies

I think its very sexy

That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now

The moment that we met

I thought you was as good as

I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like

I'll always love ya dear

Now shut up while the footy's on

And fetch another beer.

Posted By: jayne241 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/30/08 08:32 AM
Ok, here's one for the Aussies, apparently based in truth (I just now copied it from Snopes, honest!):

Mutant Marsupials Take Up Arms Against Australian Air Force

The reuse of some object-oriented code has caused tactical headaches for Australia's armed forces. As virtual reality simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training , programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the realism of the their scenarios, including detailed landscapes and - in the case of the Northern Territory's Operation Phoenix - herds of kangaroos (since groups of disturbed animals might well give away a helicopters position).

The head of the Defense Science and Technology Organization's Land Operations/Simulations division reportedly instructed developers to model the local marsupials' movements and reaction to helicopters.

Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code originally used to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures' speed of movement.

Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the Americans nodded appreciatively... and then did a double-take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. (Apparently the programmers had forgotten the remove "that" part of the infantry coding).

The lesson? Objects are defined with certain attributes, and any new object defined in terms of the old one inherits all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned to be careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the Yanks left with the utmost respect for the Australian wildlife.

Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point onwards have strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were meant to.
Posted By: aussieswife Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/30/08 08:36 AM
Viagra housewife...

just wet myself ....... rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao

rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao

Posted By: jayne241 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/30/08 08:39 AM
Viagra Wife Diary.... ROFLMAO!
rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao

Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/30/08 08:39 AM
Righty, last one then better go to bed...

Bono, the lead singer of the band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from the front of the crowd, pierces the quiet… "Well, foockin stop doin it then!"

Posted By: aussieswife Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/30/08 08:40 AM
Lil... you probably won't believe it but .... its a song too!!!


Aussie got it for me :RollieEyes:
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/30/08 08:40 AM
They didnt want to pee into the VB??
I thought thats what it was already???
rotflmao
Posted By: aussieswife Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/30/08 08:46 AM
Well ya know blokes .......... don't like mixing the brands

rotflmao


Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of VB draught.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me,"

Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of VB you are'."
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/02/09 11:35 PM
A new supermarket opened near my house

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of freshly mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

The sound of a breeze in the trees and water in a babbling brook welcomes you to the fish display.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & chocolate chip cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/03/09 12:58 AM
rotflmao
Posted By: Mike_C2 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/03/09 02:04 AM

Quotes by Demetri Martin --
===================

"Sort of" is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after "I love you" or "You're going to live" or "It's a boy."
====================


"Saying "I'm sorry" is the same as saying "I apologize". Except at a funeral."
====================

"You can say "I love kids" as a general statement, that's fine. It's when you get specific that you get in to trouble. "I love twelve-year-olds."


Posted By: jayne241 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/03/09 09:01 AM
Quote
"Sort of" is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after "I love you" or "You're going to live" or "It's a boy."

rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao

Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/04/09 04:23 AM
Apparently a 'real' event

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.


Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Marys Crescent, which is just off St Marys Road in Bodmin.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite.

This causes an earth shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout the entire building.

This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins.

One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins.

If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it.

I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again.

This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant
???????

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ?
Community Beat Officer

---------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear PC ?

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills?

In the five or so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent, I have never seen you.

Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself?

Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin?

It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twits that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on <DATE> If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the CAt and Fiddle Pub.

Regards
?

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/08/09 05:57 AM
Get this....I have just signed up to do my second half-marathon. I am doing it to raise $3000 for Gilda's Club Nashville. Here's the scoop!

My daughter wants to run a half-marathon. I can walk one. We wanted to do it together. Her grandfather has small cell lung cancer. I have lost several friends and loved ones to cancer. This was a natural.
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/12/09 05:03 AM
Uncle Jay explains 2008!
Posted By: pomdbd3 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/15/09 08:07 PM
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"
Posted By: imagine Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/16/09 04:30 AM
That last one could well be me, I think.


Did you hear the one about a cowboy riding down the road. He comes across the body of an Indian lying face down, ear on the road.

"Ummm" says the Indian "One carriage, four horses, two of the horses are dappled grey, the other two are black. There are three passengers, two men an one woman. Stagecoach is moving west. Ummmm"

The cowboy is amazed. "That's incredible pardner! You can hear all that just by leaning to the ground?"

The Indian replied, "Ummmmmm, No! Stagecoach run over me 15 minutes ago!"
Posted By: jayne241 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/16/09 05:30 AM
"Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"
rotflmao

Posted By: aussieswife Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/16/09 06:35 AM
As the family gathered for a big dinner together, my son announced that he had just signed up for Officer Training at an army recruiter`s office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older cousins shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.

"Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?"

"You would never get through basic training," scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to me his mother for help, but I was just gazing at him.
When I finally spoke, I simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?" laugh




Posted By: aussieswife Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/16/09 06:43 AM
A crusty old Digger died and found himself standing before Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
Peter welcomed him warmly, Come right in, old mate! "You've served your country well and you may enter Heaven!"

The Digger looked through the gates and stepped up to Saint Peter, "Just one thing, young fella. I hope there are no bloody Warrant Officers here. They are the rudest, most obnoxious variety of human being ever, and if there are any of them here, I'm not going in; I'd rather go to the other place."

"Don't worry, mate," said Saint Peter. "No Warrant Officer has ever made it into Heaven. You'll find none of 'em here." With that the old Digger enters into Heaven. Moments later, he comes upon an amazing sight. It is a swaggering figure in full ceremonial's, cap sitting slightly on his head, a mostly empty bottle of Bundy OP in one hand, and a beautiful woman on either arm. Incensed, the Digger rushed back to Saint Peter and bails him up "Hey! You said there were no Warrant Officers here! So what the hell is THAT?!?"

"Don't worry, mate," says Saint Peter gently. "That's God. He just THINKS he's a Warrant Officer."
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/18/09 04:58 AM
Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise',
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'




'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'









Posted By: Lil_Doggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/22/09 05:45 AM
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Posted By: Lil_Doggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/22/09 05:47 AM
The pastor of our church began his sermon with this story:

"I was on a plane last week, from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence.

As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and even the flight attendants began to look concerned.

Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could, I don't know...do something religious?'"

"So I took up a collection."
Posted By: jayne241 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/22/09 06:26 AM
rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao

Hey nztami, where ya been??? I've missed ya! Long time no post! wink
rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/22/09 03:50 PM
rotflmao ...do something religious.....took up a collection.... rotflmao
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/22/09 09:20 PM
A child submitted her homework to her elementary school teacher. The teacher sent a note home to the mother and asked if they might have a meeting as she was concerned about the child.

The next day, the teacher received the following note from the mother:

Dear Mrs. Jones,

I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.

I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out of every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.

From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/22/09 09:47 PM
rotflmao
Posted By: CWMI Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/22/09 09:50 PM
A guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward ... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was... let's see.... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a darn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a darn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ....

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" replies Roger, startled.

"Don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes brimming with tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh my, I feel so ..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" asks Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" asks Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine continues

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.

Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks. "Thank you, Roger."

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
Posted By: keepitreal Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/23/09 01:30 AM
rotflmao Classic!
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/23/09 04:36 AM
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, the president, Dr. Don Harper Mills, astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death.

Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten story building intending to commit suicide.

He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned. Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but that his suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore, the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident.

It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself, so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

Very tidy of him.

A true story from Associated Press, by Kurt Westervelt
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/23/09 04:38 AM
An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time
was being wined and dined by the State Department.

The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods
(French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was
constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a
glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off
and return with a glass of water, but then came the time
when he returned empty handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?"
demanded the diplomat.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the
wretched Abdul, " A man is sitting on the well!"
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/23/09 02:17 PM
:crosseyedcrazy: the first one

:MrEEk: the second one

rotflmao
Posted By: BetrayedCajun Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/26/09 02:48 PM
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher'
Posted By: jayne241 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/26/09 03:37 PM
faint

rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao

Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/26/09 05:54 PM
BC!!! rotflmaorotflmaorotflmaorotflmao
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/26/09 07:49 PM
What should you do if you find a OM/OW stuck in wet concrete up to his/her neck?

think

think

think


Order more concrete...

wink
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/26/09 08:01 PM
rotflmao Mark


Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ..
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-[censored], THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my man vegetables and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/26/09 10:42 PM
rotflmao rotflmao cry (crying cause I'm rotflmao)

The taser story was hysterical.

I just love this thread!
Posted By: pomdbd3 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/27/09 02:28 AM
INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5and Personal Attention 6.5 , and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0 , NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1 .

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, < BR>
Desperate.

---------------------------------------------- -----------------------------------------------

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to 0A Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 . Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1 .0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!

Tech Support
Posted By: black_raven Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/27/09 02:45 AM
Originally Posted by BetrayedCajun
...your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

rotflmao LMFAO rotflmao
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/27/09 02:47 AM
If a chicken and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half...


How many minutes does it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a kosher dill pickle?



I don't know the answer; I was just wonderin'...

think
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/27/09 02:28 PM
uhuh
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/27/09 10:30 PM
POEM FOR MOM

My son came home from school one day,
With a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
To put me in my place.

'Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

It says I need not clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
Or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
Get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
My body's only for my use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
Like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services Division,
Better known as C.S.D'

Mom's Reply and Thoughts

Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
At the local Goodwill Store..
I told him, 'Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D .
Who said they didn't care
If I bought you K-Mart shoes
Instead of those Nike Airs.

I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C.SD. Is unconcerned
So I'll decide what's best.'

I said 'No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
And wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
A favorite dish of mine.'

He asked 'Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?'
'Sorry, but I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
You'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. Requires
Just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
Will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
Instead of C.S.D..?'
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/27/09 11:02 PM
My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to quickly tidy up the work place.

When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in unison and blew every fuse in the building.
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/28/09 12:57 AM
PM,

Around our house I invoke the Mortgage Rule...

If your name is on the mortgage,

you get to make the rules.

Mark
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/28/09 01:16 AM
Lil,

At the place I worked as QA manager, I got a visit from the CEO one day on a tour with a prospective investor. We were all standing around chatting after I had given the investor the nickel tour.

The manager in our service shop down the street got a call from his boss while he was at lunch to tell him to have everything in order since the CEO was coming to visit that afternoon. When he picked up his messages when he returned he called the building I was in to warn everyone to get ready for the visit.

The warehouse manager answered the call and told his people to be ready, not realizing that the CEO had come in the back door and headed straight to my QA lab which was much more impressive with it's racks of test gear and shake tables and other flashy, fancy and often expensive equipment than the warehouse full of boxes and shelves.

So as we chatted the door opened and in ran one of the new guys from the warehouse..."Mike says to look sharp" he blurted out almost out of breath from running to spread the news, "Jack is due here any minute!"

The kid looked confused by the laughter that erupted at his announcement...

I asked, "Tim, have you ever met the man who makes your paycheck possible? I'd like you to meet our boss," and pointed to Jack who grinned ear to ear.

"Jack," I said, "This is Tim. He's new..."

Then I added, "Thanks for the heads up, Tim."

I swear I've never seen that color on anyone before or since...

Mark

Posted By: believer Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/28/09 08:28 PM
Anyone see the complaint letter to Richard Branson about the food on Virgin Airlines? It was on the foxnews site today, complete with photos, and made me laugh so hard I cried.
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/28/09 09:54 PM
Believer, got a link for that?
Posted By: believer Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/29/09 12:53 AM
Cinders - I forgot how to link it, but apparently it is all over the web. It was on foxnews.com and also in papers in England.
Posted By: aussieswife Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/29/09 02:06 AM
here is the link ... I think

Virgin Airlines food complaint letter
Posted By: believer Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/29/09 02:23 AM
LOL, AW, that is it!

It just cracked me up, because I could so relate.
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/29/09 02:38 AM
Two word oxymorons:

Army Intelligence

Government Help

Airline Food

Posted By: aussieswife Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/29/09 03:06 AM
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

grin


Posted By: aussieswife Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/29/09 03:20 AM
Aussies (my husband) understanding of the bible

In the beginning..............

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the second Day.
On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.
On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.
On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.
On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.
On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good. well almost good. God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas (women) - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie and look after blokes. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody great! IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!

And nothing has changed from that day to this .... RollieEyes:
Posted By: jayne241 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 02/01/09 05:28 AM
I am NOT making this up.

There is a pet product called, I kid you not, "Neuticles".

from Neuticles: Testicular Implantation for Pets :

Quote
"My terrier, Ruckus, is soon to have his 9th birthday, and his Neuticles will have their anniversary shortly thereafter. We've never regretted the small additional expense of Neuticles when his original equipment was removed.
Posted By: jayne241 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 02/04/09 07:04 AM
Ooooookaaaaaayyyyyy...

So here's another something I just saw online (my inner dialogue is in red):

Quote
Outsourcing Services

If your daily schedule is packed full of chores
and obligations that you can't seem to pare down
or delegate, consider outsourcing some of them to
individuals or companies that can help.

For example, if you find that you spend a lot
of time nagging your spouse to do the yard work

At this point, I'm thinking... they are suggesting to outsource the nagging? To hire someone to harass your spouse into mowing the lawn???
:MrEEk:

(or you're forced to do it yourself and it poses a
real drain on your time and energy), call a few
local landscaping companies and check out their
rates.

Aaaah! They mean to outsource the yard work, not the nagging! crazy
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 02/04/09 05:36 PM
AW, Aussie sure seems fixated on Barbie.
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 02/04/09 05:37 PM
Here's a great symphonic work to brighten your day!
I thought this was great
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 02/06/09 05:25 AM
stuck car, some bad language
budlite ad

bad xmas pressie choices

a slightly late xmas funny
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 02/06/09 05:28 AM
This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.



This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.



The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your
newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable
and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that
it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up
and have a nice day!

If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 02/06/09 05:37 AM
A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend's wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.

"But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and said: "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be late.
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 02/06/09 05:42 AM
A king was quite concerned about a decision he had just made, so much so that went to his chief advisor to ask his opinion of it.

"Yeah, I'd say it's your worst decision yet," the plain-talking advisor replied.

Confused, the king asked, "Yet?"

To which the advisor replied, "Well, it's not so bad that I think you're incapable of making a worse decision."
Posted By: pomdbd3 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 02/09/09 03:40 PM
The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:- "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CAN NOT go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.


On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store .

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited
Posted By: pomdbd3 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 02/11/09 05:27 PM
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was
nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to
'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read
the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing yo u. I had to elope with my
new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Karon and she is so nice. But I knew you
would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle
clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the
passion...Dad she's pregnant.


Karon said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole
winter.
We share a d ream of having many more children. Karon has opened my eyes to the
fac t that marijuan a does n't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for
ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and
ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Karon can get better.

She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure
that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to
remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my
center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home .
Posted By: MutedSparkle Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 02/11/09 05:33 PM
Best Craigslist ad EVER!

NINJA HAULER: 2005 Nissan Xterra - $12,900 (Ronan/Lake County)

OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women) . My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck . It is just that manly .

It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on . It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things . No, that's what your Prius is for . If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now . I mean it . Just stop .

This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis . They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what On Star is) .

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need . It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops . It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery . It even has a first-aid kit in the back . You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself . The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time . It's saved my bacon more than once .

It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes . There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun . I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man .

My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I'll entertain reasonable offers . And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it . That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab . Would it hurt? Hell yeah . Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore .

There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass . Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name . It will live on as a monument to your machismo .

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see . If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me . I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you . And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash .

To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants . Yeah, you heard me . FREE MC Hammer pants .

Rock on .
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 02/13/09 05:18 PM
Stimulus Payment Information

This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-
definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.

And none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 02/14/09 04:22 AM
13 Things PMS Stands For:


1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
and my favourite one:
13. Potential Murder Suspect


And remember: Money talks but Chocolate SINGS !!!
Posted By: hope3343 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 02/18/09 03:37 PM
The Tomato Garden



An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:



Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old

days.

Love, Papa



A few days later he received a letter from his son:



Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie



At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.



That same day the old man received another letter from his son:



Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you, Vinnie
dance2 rotflmao

Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 02/21/09 03:39 AM
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, 'Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blond.'

'Now we have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman.
It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.'

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out & find hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,
sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black-and-white TV.
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 02/21/09 04:03 AM
laugh laugh laugh Cinderella....


6 Facts of Life

1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.
















2. All idiots, after reading the first fact, will try it.






3. And discover that The first "fact" is false.






4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.









5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.







6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.



I apologize about this

I'm an idiot and I needed company ...
Posted By: black_raven Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 02/24/09 07:18 PM
For anyone that loved the original show "Yo momma":

Yo momma is sooooo stupid...she took the Pepsi Challenge and picked Jiffy.

Yo momma is sooooo stupid...she got fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job.
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 02/28/09 05:17 AM
In the morning, it is supposed to be about 40 degrees and raining. It will feel like it's about 30 degrees. Group training is scheduled for 7 miles at 7 a.m. Does anyone see a problem with that?
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/02/09 07:22 AM
bought a great new toilet seat recently.

On the label was a suggestion on how to clean it.

Although nice to have the option, I doubt I'll take advantage of it.

My toilet seat, it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe."
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/03/09 04:47 AM
I was getting ready for work when I looked out the window and saw the utility company starting to erect a pole in front of my house. They were going to position it directly in front of my picture window. No way, absolutely no way, was I going to permit this. I gulped down my coffee and went directly to the crew supervisor and told him, in no uncertain terms, that I was not going to stand for his crew putting that stupid electrical pole directly in front of my picture window.

He took out a plot map, a map for pole locations and a right of way document. He went on to explain that the chosen location was the best spot for the pole. I told him it was not the best location for me and that when I came home from work that day I certainly did not expect to see that pole in front of my window.

He asked where I did want them to put it and I told him I didn't give a hoot, as long as it was not in front of my window. I felt pretty smug as I drove off to work because I felt I got my point across. I knew he was afraid to put it there now.

Ah, the feeling of power; at least until I got home and found the pole in the middle of my driveway.
Posted By: babyonboard Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/04/09 08:53 PM
A man sat down on a plane next to a little girl. He asked the little girl "what do you think about the new economic stimulus package? I think that Obama is way off base and he is only going to bring further financial ruin to our country."

The little girl looked at him and said "let me ask you this. A horse, a cow, and a sheep all eat the same kind of food right, grass. But sheep poops out little pellets, the cow poops out big flat patties, and the horse poops out segmented poops. Why is that?

The man looked at her for a minute and said "I really don't know"

The little girl then replied, "well, do you really think your qualified to discuss the state of our countries economics when you clearly don't know s*$t"
Posted By: baron_richtofen Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/13/09 05:48 PM
The Polite Way To Pee
>
> During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach
> good manners, asked
> her students the following question:
>
> 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a
> nice young lady, how
> would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
>
> Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
>
> The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be
> rude and impolite. What
> about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
>
> Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to
> the bathroom,
> I'll be right back.'
>
> 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to
> say the word
> bathroom at the dinner
> table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your
> brain
> for once and show us your good manners?'
>
> 'I would say Darling, may I please be excused for
> a moment? I have to
> shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to
> introduce you to
> after dinner.'
>
> The teacher fainted.
>
>
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/14/09 08:54 AM
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is NEVER putting it in a fruit salad.
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/14/09 09:07 AM
LETTER TO THE BANK

Dear Sirs,

One of my checks was returned marked "insufficient funds." In view of current developments in the banking industry, does that refer to me or to you?

Sincerely,
Your customer
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/14/09 09:08 AM
An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter offensive tactics. That summer, the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten.

So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.

The next day, the post commander entered his office and spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note. The note said, "I missed!"
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/15/09 06:29 PM
What did one fly say to the other when he noticed his pants weren't zipped?






Hey, Fly, your dude is open!
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/15/09 06:30 PM
Did you hear about the zoo that had to hire a psychiatrist for the polar bears?







Yes, they were bipolar.
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/16/09 01:36 AM
A psychiatrist walks into a room where two new patients have been admitted. One was on the floor pretending like he was sawing wood and hammering nails. The shrink introduces himself and asks him what he's doing. Oh, I'm building a house! By the way, I'm not crazy and I don't belong here. My roommate's the crazy one!

The psychiatrist looked over and asked about his roommate. What's his deal? The roommate was hanging upside down from a rafter. Oh, him? He's my bud. He's crazy though because he thinks he's a lightbulb.

The psychiatrist says, well his face is turning really red, don't you think you should ask him to get down?

No way! Who can build a house in the dark?
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/16/09 07:28 AM
When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, "You have a cute baby."

Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents."

"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really cute."

"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.

"He looks just like you."
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/16/09 07:30 AM

PERKS OF REACHING 50 OR BEING OVER 60 AND HEADING TOWARDS 70

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/16/09 07:31 AM
Security and peace of mind were part of the reason we moved to a gated community. Both flew out the window the night I called a local pizza shop for a delivery.

"I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza, please," I said, then gave him the address of our condominium.

"We'll be there in about half an hour," the kid at the other end replied. "Your gate code is still 1238, right?"
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/16/09 11:29 PM
Dyslexics of the world untie!
Posted By: seekingtruth527 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/16/09 11:40 PM
Be alert. We need more lerts!
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/21/09 10:25 PM
mad I was NOT laughing at the 'outage' of the boards....and I am NOT laughing that the ROTFLMAO smiley is gone! mad
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/22/09 04:23 AM
A visiting minister was very long-winded. Worse, every time he would make a good point during his sermon and a member of the congregation responded with "Amen" or "That's right, preacher" he would get wound up even more and launch into another lengthy discourse.

Finally, the host pastor started responding to every few sentences with "Amen, Pharaoh!" The guest minister wasn't sure what that meant, but after several more "Amen, Pharaohs" he finally concluded his very lengthy sermon.

After the service concluded and the congregation had left, the visiting minister turned to his host and asked, "What exactly did you mean when you said "Amen, Pharaoh?"

His host replied, "I was telling you to let my people go!"
Posted By: babyonboard Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/24/09 05:31 PM
Saw these at a t-shirt shop made me think of waywards.

"I would engage you in a battle of wits but you appear to be unarmed."

"I am trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my own a$$."
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/25/09 07:43 AM
Up there in the tropical waters of North Queensland , two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One was called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,
he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Christian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set
off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy,
and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'........




'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/25/09 12:42 PM
rotflmao
Posted By: bigkahuna Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/25/09 09:19 PM
good grief
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/25/09 09:49 PM
rotflmao
Posted By: drgnfly Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/26/09 01:06 PM
5% of women think their a$$ is too big

10% of women think their a$$ is too small

The other 85% don't care - they would have married him anyway
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/26/09 01:36 PM
rotflmao Lil, that is too funny! rotflmao

Gonna send that to the ministers at church!
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/28/09 05:40 AM
"I think Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be a winner and a loser at the same time."
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/28/09 05:44 AM
Settling a cow case
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/28/09 05:56 AM

How are you doing?
A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help.

Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.

Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.

The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes.

The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals.

The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!" bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens.

Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. "These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them!" yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs.

The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.

Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror.

The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asked the farmer.

"NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!" the tourist yelled back.
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/28/09 05:57 AM
Celebrating an event
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/28/09 05:59 AM
Bug flew into a barn
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
Posted By: imagine Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/28/09 09:02 AM
:rotflmao
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/28/09 07:09 PM
If you would like to take the Idiotville Trivia Challenge, CLICK HERE!!!

You can begin being a member of the smartest Idiots around.
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/30/09 10:22 AM
Subject: Telephone Technology History Lesson

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: 'California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, The Midland Reporter, a local newspaper in Texas , reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Midland Texas , Bubba Brown, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless.

Thank Heaven for Bubba.
yeehaw !!!
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/31/09 03:50 AM
faint
Posted By: jayne241 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/31/09 06:13 AM
just catching up...

""NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!" the tourist yelled back."

rotflmao

""I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.""

rotflmao rotflmao

" It went in one ear and out the udder."

rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao

"You can begin being a member of the smartest Idiots around."

rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao

"he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless. "

rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao

Thanks y'all!!! Absolutely hilarious!!!!!!
Posted By: jayne241 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/03/09 11:12 PM
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise to the Lord for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, 'I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible motorcycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

'Tom was unable to hold me or the children,' she went on, 'and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

'Now,' she announced in a quavering voice, 'thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.'

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, 'I'm Tom.'

The entire congregation held its breath.

'I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.'
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/04/09 02:28 AM
rotflmao


THAT was funny.....oh, you may place the trivia challenge every day. Thanks for joining us the other day!
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/05/09 07:46 PM
*Flower Oil*

When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter.

During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked.

Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first."
Posted By: Flick Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/06/09 07:21 AM
The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor.

Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage.

The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, "Who did that? Who did that?"
Posted By: staytogether Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/06/09 09:05 AM
rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao

Prob. shouldn't confess that I had to read that one 3x before I got it blush
Well, I haven't long been up!
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/06/09 09:19 AM
It's ok. I had to read it twice.
Now for something nice and easy for the rest of us...

*Good Singer*

In a Brooklyn upscale pet shop, an elderly woman burst into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a real good singer. I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying only for a good singer."

The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever had ."

"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be the best singer."

By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.

Awed, the woman murmured, "This bird is really a good singer."

Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, what's with you? This bird's only got one leg."

The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer ? . . . . . or a dancer?"
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/11/09 08:37 AM
And now for your weekend amusement...

*Chemistry Stir*

This was a story told to us by our chemistry master at school. A female student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water.

Her professor observed what she was about to do, out of the corner of his eye and hurried towards her, and after confirming this was what she was intending to do, asked her first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium.

She was puzzled and ran after him to ask the purpose of this action.

'It will give me time to get away' said the professor.
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/11/09 08:38 AM
*Unique Breakfast*

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read Unique Breakfast, so he walked in and sat down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.

"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked.

"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.

"Baked tongue of chicken? Baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like, then?"

"Just bring me a hard boiled egg," the man replied.
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/11/09 08:38 AM
today'sFUNNY===========================

One Sunday morning when my son, David, was about 5, we were attending a church in our community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.

This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.

My child immediately raised his hand and said, "It means Daddy's cooking dinner."

today'sTHOT============================

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

=======================================
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/11/09 08:40 AM
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a damn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand??
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/11/09 08:41 AM
*Laws of Parenthood*

There is the Law of Gravity - And then, there is the Law of Parenthood

A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.

Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.

A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.

The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.

The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/13/09 01:28 PM
True Story:

My daughter decided it was potty training time about Christmas time right after she turned 2. One day, I had on a Christmas CD and had been listening to 'The Hallelujah Chorus'. We were coming out of the bathroom when, in her precious 2-year-old voices, she said (clearly and appropriately), "Hallelujah, big shooies!"

A couple of days later, we got to church and sat down beside a woman we did not know. As soon as my daughter sat down, she said clearly, "Halleluhah, big shooies!"

Posted By: imagine Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/22/09 08:19 AM
An oil-rich Arab sheikh needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises. The gentleman’s rare blood type
couldn't be found locally, so the call went out to a number of countries.
Finally, they located a Jew who had the same blood type who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab.
After the surgery the sheikh sent the Jew a thank-you card for giving his blood, along with an expensive diamond ring and a new Rolls Royce as a token of his appreciation. Needless to say, the Jew was happy.
Unfortunately, the sheikh had a relapse and had to go through corrective surgery once again. His doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery the Arab sent the Jew a Thank You card and a box of dates.
The Jew was disappointed that the Arab hadn’t acknowledged the kind gesture in the same way as he had done before, so he phoned the Arab and asked him about it.
The Arab replied, “Ya habibi, I have Jewish blood now, remember ...?”

Posted By: QueeniesAdventures Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/22/09 03:54 PM
Subject: FW: Never Lie to Your Mother

This is funny!

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later , Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
________________________________________________________________

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did" take the gravy ladle,
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

_______________________________________________________________
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother
that read:

_______________________________________________________________
Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying
that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer.

But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed,
she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER! ! ! !
Posted By: QueeniesAdventures Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/22/09 03:55 PM
Originally Posted by imagine
An oil-rich Arab sheikh needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises. The gentleman’s rare blood type
couldn't be found locally, so the call went out to a number of countries.
Finally, they located a Jew who had the same blood type who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab.
After the surgery the sheikh sent the Jew a thank-you card for giving his blood, along with an expensive diamond ring and a new Rolls Royce as a token of his appreciation. Needless to say, the Jew was happy.
Unfortunately, the sheikh had a relapse and had to go through corrective surgery once again. His doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery the Arab sent the Jew a Thank You card and a box of dates.
The Jew was disappointed that the Arab hadn’t acknowledged the kind gesture in the same way as he had done before, so he phoned the Arab and asked him about it.
The Arab replied, “Ya habibi, I have Jewish blood now, remember ...?”
MrRollieEyes HMMMMM
Posted By: babyonboard Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/22/09 04:10 PM
right there with ya Queenie.
Posted By: QueeniesAdventures Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/22/09 04:19 PM
Thanks babyonboard.
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/23/09 06:11 AM
YOU MAY BE A FARMER IF...

~ An overnight, out-of-state trip for equipment parts is a vacation.

~ You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.

~ You sometimes rinse off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife lets you in the house.

~ You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.

~ You have used baling wire to attach a license plate.

~ You remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, and yields for 10 years back, but not your kid's birthdays.

~ You drive off the road while examining your neighbor's crops.

~ You borrow gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.

~ You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.

~ You have used a tractor front-end loader as scaffolding for roof repairs.

~ When you drive your truck, everybody waves at you.


today'sTHOT============================

Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs?

=======================================
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/23/09 06:12 AM
today'sFUNNY===========================

My wife asked me this morning, "Whacha doin' today?"

I said, "Nothing."

She said, "That's what you did yesterday."

I said, "I wasn't finished."

today'sTHOT============================

A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the rear.

=======================================
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/23/09 06:12 AM
*Watermelon Mistake*

Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.

"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"

"Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/23/09 06:13 AM
*Tree Faller*

While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took X-rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.

"What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment.

"He fell out of a tree," I reported.

The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.

"I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Bob's Expert Tree Service."

Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out 'expert.'"
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/23/09 06:14 AM
*Kind Word*

A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, "Meat loaf and a kind word."

When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, "Okay, so where's the kind word?"

The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered gently, "Don't eat the meat loaf."
Posted By: imagine Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/23/09 08:01 AM
Originally Posted by lildoggie
YOU MAY BE A FARMER IF...
~ You drive off the road while examining your neighbor's crops.

rotflmao
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/23/09 02:51 PM
Quote
The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered gently, "Don't eat the meat loaf."
Was this at a truck stop in Pennsylvania? I think I ate there once...

When you travel a lot you learn to never eat at a place called "Mom's." "Mom" is usually some 50 year old beer bellied guy that last showered when Bill Clinton was president and works part time at the auto repair shop down the street. He often confuses repacking wheel bearings with what he is supposed to do with the food he prepares. So just avoid "Mom's."

The exception to this is if the only other place in town to eat is called "EATS." In that case, eat at "Mom's."



If all the cars in the parking lot have out-of-state plates, there is a reason for this. If the locals won't eat there you shouldn't either.


Mark
Posted By: black_raven Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/23/09 03:27 PM
Things Got Ya
Down?

Well Then, Consider These:


In a hospital's Intensive Care
Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am ,
regardless of their medical condition. This
puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something
to do with the super natural. No one could solve the
mystery as to why the deaths occurred ar ound 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of
experts was assembled to investigate the cause of
the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am
all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the
ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon
was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses,
prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the
evil spirits. Just when the clock
struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday
sweeper , entered the ward and unplugged the life
support system so he could use the vacuum
cleaner.

Still Having a Bad
Day????


The average cost of
rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in
Alaska was
$80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were being released back into
the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate
them both.

Still think you are having a
Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her
husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost
in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running
from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current,
she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking
his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had
been happily listening to his
Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? -
No?


Two animal rights
defenders were protesting the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn ,
Germany .
Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and
escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to
death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad
Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet
didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was
blown to bits. God is Good!

There now, Feeling
Better?
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/23/09 03:48 PM
Angry Wife
A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/23/09 03:49 PM
Love Thy Husband
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, he doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him."

"Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs."

"Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.


Posted By: princessmeggy Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/23/09 07:55 PM
rotflmao rotflmao
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/23/09 08:07 PM
*At Home*

While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and we started talking.

He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.

With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."

Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in. "He was born at home," I answered.

The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/23/09 08:08 PM
*Flower Oil*

When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter.

During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked.

Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first."
Posted By: wildhorses74 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/23/09 08:08 PM
Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
big frickin red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb [censored].

Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/23/09 08:27 PM
rotflmao
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/23/09 09:35 PM
*Ski Wax*

As a ski instructor, I sometimes tease my little pupils. Once I told seven year old Luke that if my skis were faster than his, it was because I'd waxed them with butter.

The next morning his grandmother came to class with him. She took me aside and said, "We had no butter left for breakfast. Luke had spread it all over his skis, claiming that it was the proper way to wax them. I think you should tell the children that instead of listening to nonsense from other beginners, they should only take advice from their teacher."
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/23/09 09:36 PM
rotflmao
Posted By: drgnfly Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/24/09 03:37 PM
Comments made in the year 1955

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2, 000.00 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL of DAMN in it."

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas ."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/25/09 07:42 AM
THE "MIDDLE WIFE"
By an anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant: "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

"My dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my mom to lie down in bed like this." (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'Push, push" and "Breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.



today'sTHOT============================

God only gives us what we can handle, but sometimes I wish he didn't trust me so much!

=======================================
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/25/09 07:42 AM
*Lengthy Discourse*

A visiting minister was very long-winded. Worse, every time he would make a good point during his sermon and a member of the congregation responded with "Amen" or "That's right, preacher" he would get wound up even more and launch into another lengthy discourse.

Finally, the host pastor started responding to every few sentences with "Amen, Pharaoh!" The guest minister wasn't sure what that meant, but after several more "Amen, Pharaohs" he finally concluded his very lengthy sermon.

After the service concluded and the congregation had left, the visiting minister turned to his host and asked, "What exactly did you mean when you said "Amen, Pharaoh?"

His host replied, "I was telling you to let my people go!"
Posted By: wildhorses74 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/28/09 04:42 PM
MAN OF THE HOUSE (author unknown)

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The @%$$%^ funeral director would be my first guess."


rotflmao
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/28/09 09:04 PM
rotflmao
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/29/09 09:10 AM
Jacob, age 85, and Rebecca, age 79, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding. On the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/29/09 09:11 AM
today'sFUNNY===========================

THE IMPORTANCE OF PROOFING

~ IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

~ It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

~ There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.

~ There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.

~ In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.

~ Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

~ In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.

~ Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."

~ In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

~ The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.

today'sTHOT============================

So when someone indicates they've attached something to an email and forgot to do so, do they have an attachment disorder?

=======================================
Posted By: Flick Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/29/09 09:13 AM
my turn...

A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?

"You mean you're coming empty handed?"


======She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.======
Posted By: Flick Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/29/09 09:14 AM
CAFFEINE PRAYER

Caffeine is my shepherd, I shall not doze.

It maketh me to wake in green pastures.

It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.

It restoreth my buzz.

It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will fear no Equal (tm).

For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.

Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Starbucks.(particulary the chocolate grande)

Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.

Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the House of Folger's forever.
Posted By: Flick Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/29/09 09:15 AM
Are you tired of those Sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, let's try this my way...just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad, I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!

2. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile, I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you're scared, we will high tail it out of here.

5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

6. When you are confused, I will use little words.

7. When you are sick, stay away from me until you are well again...I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall, I'll pick you up and dust you off--After I laugh my head off!

9. This is my oath...I pledge it to the end.

'Why?' you may ask...because you are my FRIEND!
Posted By: Flick Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/29/09 09:15 AM
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Posted By: princessmeggy Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/29/09 09:31 PM
Twelve Amusing Excuses for Being Late for Work

1. My heat was shut off so I had to stay home to keep my snake warm.

2. My husband thinks it's funny to hide my car keys before he goes to work.

3. I walked into a spider web on the way out the door and couldn't find the spider, so I had to go inside and shower again.

4. I got locked in my trunk by my son.

5. My left turn signal was out so I had to make all right turns to get to work.

6. A gurney fell out of an ambulance and delayed traffic.

7. I was attacked by a raccoon and had to stop by the hospital to make sure it wasn't rabid.

8. I feel like I'm in everyone's way if I show up on time.

9. My father didn't wake me up.

10. A groundhog bit my bike tire and made it flat.

11. My driveway washed away in the rain last night.

12. I HAD to go to bingo.
Posted By: Pepperband Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/29/09 10:01 PM

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/29/09 11:15 PM
rotflmao
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/03/09 10:25 PM
This thread saved our sanity yesterday when we ran out of gas and had to wait for roadside assistance!
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/06/09 04:48 PM
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe they were cardboard! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers!"
Posted By: stillstanding2 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/06/09 09:54 PM
rotflmao rotflmao
Posted By: black_raven Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/07/09 12:13 AM
Women are cold until the end!


The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we
celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't
well.. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end,
'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those b$&ches sleeping with your father
after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called,
'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/07/09 06:25 AM
rotflmao rotflmao rotflmao

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.



For several minutes they sat silently.



Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."



"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."



The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.



Then he blushed.



The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.



Minutes passed and thegirl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."



"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."



The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.



Then he blushed.



And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch..



After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."



"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."



The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.



Then he blushed.



The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.



"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."



The young man glanced down with a furled brow.



"Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."



"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.



"Aye," said the lad, nodding.



The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.



Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

Posted By: Flick Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/07/09 08:56 AM
*Gold Watch*

A boss to a retiree:

"As a symbol of our gratitude, we have created this special gold watch to serve as a reminder of your many years with the company. It needs a lot of winding up, is always a little late, and every day at quarter to five, it stops working."
Posted By: Flick Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/07/09 08:57 AM
MISINTREPRETATIONS OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS

~ I remember my father-in-law loved to sing "The Old Rubber Cross."

~ When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, "Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses."

~ When I was a child, I learned this prayer as "Our Father, who are in Heaven, Howard be thy name." I always thought that was God's real name.

~ When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble.

~ My mother spent her early childhood praying, "Hail Mary, full of grapes."

~ My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?"

~ I remember thinking this prayer was "Give us this day our jelly bread."

~ When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain prayer was "He suffered under a bunch of violets." The real words were "under Pontius Pilate," but at that age, he didn't know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read.

~ I was a little girl when we sang a song in Sunday school about Noah. Part of the chorus was "And the rains came down, and the floods came up." We lived next door to a couple of charming little girls who always sang this song while playing in their garden. Their words were, "And the rains came down, and the spuds came up."

~ When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?"
Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."

today'sTHOT============================

Four out of five people think the fifth is an idiot.

=======================================
Posted By: Flick Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/07/09 09:04 AM

To My Child,

Good morning, this is GOD.

Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If you encounter a situation you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (Something For God To Do) box. It will be addressed in MY TIME, not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it nor remove it. Holding on or removal will delay the resolution of your problem. If it is a situation you think you are capable of handling, please consult me in prayer to be sure that it is the proper resolution. Because I do not sleep, nor do I slumber, there is no need for you to lose any sleep. Please rest my child.

If you need to contact me, I am only a prayer away. My prayer line is open 24 hours of your day. I love you and will always be with you wherever you may go. As with all good things, pass my message on.

Love, GOD

today'sTHOT============================

Everybody wants to get to Heaven, but nobody wants to die.

=======================================
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/07/09 04:20 PM
Originally Posted by Flick
MISINTREPRETATIONS OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS

~ When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, "Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses."

~ My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?"

~ When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain prayer was "He suffered under a bunch of violets." The real words were "under Pontius Pilate," but at that age, he didn't know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read.

~ I was a little girl when we sang a song in Sunday school about Noah. Part of the chorus was "And the rains came down, and the floods came up." We lived next door to a couple of charming little girls who always sang this song while playing in their garden. Their words were, "And the rains came down, and the spuds came up."

Flick, have you been Open & Honest with LIL? skeptical Does she know about these things? think

Do we need to have some exposure? sigh

Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/07/09 04:21 PM
:crosseyedcrazy: Just kidding...you do know that, don't you? :crosseyedcrazy:
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/07/09 06:32 PM
rotflmao
Funny. I think I'll go post that on MB. Oh, wait.
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/08/09 05:25 AM
Originally Posted by cinderella
Originally Posted by Flick
MISINTREPRETATIONS OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS

~ When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, "Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses."

~ My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?"

~ When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain prayer was "He suffered under a bunch of violets." The real words were "under Pontius Pilate," but at that age, he didn't know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read.

~ I was a little girl when we sang a song in Sunday school about Noah. Part of the chorus was "And the rains came down, and the floods came up." We lived next door to a couple of charming little girls who always sang this song while playing in their garden. Their words were, "And the rains came down, and the spuds came up."

Flick, have you been Open & Honest with LIL? skeptical Does she know about these things? think

Do we need to have some exposure? sigh

faint Flick

rotflmao
Posted By: Flick Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/11/09 06:06 AM
Originally Posted by cinderella
Originally Posted by Flick
MISINTREPRETATIONS OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS

~ When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, "Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses."

~ My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?"

~ When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain prayer was "He suffered under a bunch of violets." The real words were "under Pontius Pilate," but at that age, he didn't know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read.

~ I was a little girl when we sang a song in Sunday school about Noah. Part of the chorus was "And the rains came down, and the floods came up." We lived next door to a couple of charming little girls who always sang this song while playing in their garden. Their words were, "And the rains came down, and the spuds came up."

Flick, have you been Open & Honest with LIL? skeptical Does she know about these things? think

Do we need to have some exposure? sigh

uhuh rotflmao
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/11/09 03:38 PM
An engaged woman, a mistress and a wife of 18 years are sitting one morning having coffee and talking about their relationships. In order to add a little spice to their respective relationships they all agree to wear a black leather bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that night and meet again the next day to share what had happened.

The next day the engaged woman says "My fiance came home, saw me in the black leather bodice, stiletto heels and mask and said, you are the woman of my dreams, I love you, then we made love all night long".

The mistress says,"I met my lover at his office wearing the black leather bodice, stiletto heels and mask and an raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word and we made love all night long".

Then the wife has to share her story. "When my husband came home I was wearing the black leather bodice, stiletto heels, black stockings and the mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner Batman?"

naughty

uhuh

grumble
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/12/09 08:46 AM
today'sFUNNY===========================

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM--TENNESSEE STYLE

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba,

Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls, they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Cooter
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/12/09 08:46 AM
*Needle Manners*

While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.

"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.

"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."

At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/12/09 08:47 AM
I don't know why, but this one made me think of LG....

*Baby Growth*

Our first three babies, all girls, each weighed about seven pounds at birth. When our fourth arrived, he was much larger.

After delivery, the medical team began testing and measuring my new son. The last reading came from a nurse, who seemed impressed as she read, "Weight, nine pounds, eight ounces."

My husband, a CPA in corporate finance who'd been quiet up to this point, could contain himself no longer.

"How about that!" my husband exclaimed happily. "It's 36.5% more baby!"
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/12/09 02:30 PM
Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'..

The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that........ Ralph was too tired.'
Posted By: Pepperband Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/12/09 05:34 PM
rotflmao
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/12/09 05:47 PM
flirt
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/12/09 06:05 PM
Duties actually shown on an employment application - -

This person's job title, as shown, was ELIGIBILITY CLERK

Duties listed included:

Registrar and file applicants for clients
request cases to be transferred from state to state
fax and deliver information to case workers
Schedule appointments and set up walk in sluts


For real, folks, just opened it on my computer at work....copied and pasted from a real person's real employment application!
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/15/09 07:38 PM
An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator. The portiere was a bit confused, but then smiled when he realized what the man wanted.

"You must mean the lift," he said.

"No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator."

"Yes, of course," the portiere answered, "but over here we call them lifts."

"Now you listen," the American said, rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator!"

"Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language."



today'sTHOT============================

Get the facts first. You can distort them later.

=======================================
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/15/09 07:40 PM
*Proposal Condition*

Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.

Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."

Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition."

"What is that?" Lisa asked.

"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/17/09 05:06 AM
*Three Day Silence*

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/17/09 03:18 PM
Originally Posted by lildoggie
*Proposal Condition*

Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.

Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."

Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition."

"What is that?" Lisa asked.

"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.


rotflmao
Posted By: staytogether Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/17/09 05:09 PM
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/18/09 03:59 AM

rotflmao LOL ST
I LOVE MY JOB!

Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for
Global Divers in Louisiana .

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job
experience contest. Needless to say, she won.....



Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office.

I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.
This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.



Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day

Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/23/09 01:30 AM
All my best jokes gone cry I'll have to start over...


Settling a cow case
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher.
The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed.
The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.
The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there.
I couldn't have won the case.
The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning.
I didn't have one witness to put on the stand.
I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
Posted By: johnstwin Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/23/09 01:43 AM
*snicker*

Good one lil!
Posted By: gg615 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/23/09 01:59 AM
Quote
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"

And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Ranch Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.


http://www.joke-of-the-day.com/jokes/angel039s-food-vs-devil039s-food
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/05/09 09:07 PM
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.


The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.



I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.



Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/05/09 09:07 PM
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.
I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to
talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment
punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a
fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury
car... A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner...
Lobster, champagne, Dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show.

Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have
just died from pleasure! So then we are coming
back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress
and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't
go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/05/09 09:10 PM
In the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the
laughs are in the court-room. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can
erupt at almost any time or place. For example:


On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern British Columbia ,
an RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in
protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside. "What's the
matter?" asked the policeman.


"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.


"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."


"Can't."


"OK, Watch me and I will show you."


The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised.


The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.


A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the
father of the motorbike rider.


It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded ...."
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/13/09 05:55 AM
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, If you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to Raise your trazy-poo, sothe main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Biatch."
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/16/09 08:02 PM
There was a student who wanted to be admitted to the University.

He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GED, and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.

"Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."

The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."

"How???????" the interviewer shot back, smiling. ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"

The student was admitted to the University
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/22/09 02:36 AM
YOU TOO CAN BE A PROFESSIONAL!!
Just take this short quiz...

This quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional. SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS.

There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?






















Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.

This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?






















Incorrect Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and shut the refrigerator.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

This question tests your foresight.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?






















Correct Answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator!

This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking.

Okay, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional.

4. There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it?






















Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting!

This question tests your reasoning ability.

SO...

If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a true professional. Wealth and success await you.

If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there's hope for you.

If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint.

If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It's the only way you will ever make any money.

If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as law or politics.

today'sTHOT============================

I've broken so many mirrors in my life, if I live long enough to have all that bad luck, I'll be lucky.

=======================================
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/22/09 02:42 AM
Things are spiralling out of control. I think I have become lost in a world of electronic madness.

One of my sons informed me this week that my mobile phone has become obsolete and I must head down to the Mobile Phone store and get a phone that is contemporary with the time.

I pointed out that the fancy Razor/Slimline phone with camera built in that he made me trade my perfectly good flip-top Motorola cell phone for two years ago still works perfectly fine. Well, except for the camera thing. Never could figure that out.. Even the few times I actually did take pictures I couldn't figure what to do with them and gave up.

That is except when I would push the wrong button and take a video of the ceiling or my feet.

Seems the issue is that I am unable to text with the tiny little 3 character buttons. "Hi, son," would come out looking like, "Gh Qmo." My grandkids have even spoken to my wife about Poppa's crazy text messages. Give me a break. Whatever happened to actually talking on a phone? Isn't that what they were invented for?

They want me to get one of those phones that you can turn upside down and sideways and has a typewriter keyboard with keys about one-eighth the size of my pinky finger.

One of my four sons is a realtor whose real occupation is fly fishing. "Way to go, son."

Or in my text language, "Xbz um Io, rmo."

We were floating the Yakima River in his guide quality drift boat south of Ellensburg, Washington. We were miles from anything remotely resembling civilization. Rock canyon walls were on either side of us. Bear with me as I try to explain this strange thing.

His "Blackberry" rang. It was blue and I asked him why it wasn't called a Blueberry. He shook his head with that "dealing with an elder" despair look I get a lot these days. It was another realtor who called to say that the sellers he represented had agreed to my son's client's changes and he had the signed documents in hand.

My son told him to FAX the papers to his office and he would get them signed and Faxed back, to close the deal that morning. A minute later the phone rang and he hit a few buttons and looked over the FAX, now on the Yakima River with us.

He then called his clients and told them he was Faxing the papers to them to sign and asked them to FAX them back to his office. While he was waiting, he hooked into a fat rainbow and was just releasing this 22 inch beauty as his phone rang again with the signed FAX from his clients.

He called the other realtor and told him he was sending the signed papers back by FAX. The deal was closed. He smiled and just said, "You are a little behind the times, Dad." I guess I am.

I thought about the sixty million dollar a year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouse, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at
Barnes and Nobles talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GSP lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.

I bought some of those cloth re-usable bags to avoid looking confused but never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."

Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.
Posted By: QueeniesAdventures Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/28/09 10:00 PM
Lizard Birth
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm Serious, Dad. Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed.. 'She's having babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom !'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (again with the sarcasm)!

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked.

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know. Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean, what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . Um . . . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So, Ernie's just . Just . . Excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly!' The vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . Its. . . Teeny little . .. . ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/03/09 10:10 PM
Starting To Date

Alan asks, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter of yours, Steve. What are you going to do when she starts to date?"

Steve says, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear. Then I'll say, "Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter, and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way ............ just remember ............... I don't mind going back to prison."
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/03/09 10:13 PM
A Simple Explanation of Baseball

This is a game played by two teams, one out the other in. The one that's in, sends players out one at a time, to see if they can get in before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count. If they get in before they get out it does count.

When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes out to get those going in out before they get in without being out.

When both teams have been in and out nine times the game is over. The team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless the ones in are equal. In which case, the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they get in without being out.

The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but one team has more in without being out before coming in.
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/03/09 10:16 PM
Foot Snuggle

On a chilly winter evening, my husband and I were snuggled together on the floor watching television. During a commercial break, he reached over and gave my foot a gentle squeeze.

"Mmmmm," I said. "That's so sweet."

"Actually," he admitted sheepishly, "I thought that was the remote."
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/03/09 10:16 PM
I just got a huge headache. LOL
Posted By: Skald Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/04/09 03:43 AM
Originally Posted by lildoggie
A Simple Explanation of Baseball

This is a game played by two teams, one out the other in. The one that's in, sends players out one at a time, to see if they can get in before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count. If they get in before they get out it does count.

When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes out to get those going in out before they get in without being out.

When both teams have been in and out nine times the game is over. The team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless the ones in are equal. In which case, the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they get in without being out.

The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but one team has more in without being out before coming in.


Reading that was much like watching baseball: Only a short way in my eyes clouded over, my brain shut down and I desperately wanted a beer and hotdog.
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/13/09 03:44 AM
GIFT WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN

This is the time of year we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb, went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, "... presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper. If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: "And lo, the gifts were insideth 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him... she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion. This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know. One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it." The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.)

If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape. On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting...

Gift-Wrapping Tip For Men:

* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.

* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.

* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning.

YOUR WIFE MAY ASK: "Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?"

YOU: "It's a gift! See? It has a bow!"

YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): "It's a leaf blower."

YOU: "Gas-powered! Five horsepower!"

YOUR WIFE: "I want a divorce."

YOU: "I also got you some myrrh."

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/13/09 03:45 AM
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to **** off!!

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/16/09 02:57 AM
YO HO, OH NO!

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test...

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

today'sTHOT============================

You know you are getting old when Santa starts looking younger.
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/23/09 04:17 AM
SANTA'S PRAYER ON CHRISTMAS EVE

The sleigh was all packed, the reindeer were fed,
But Santa still knelt by the side of the bed.

"Dear Father," he prayed "Be with me tonight.
There's much work to do and my schedule is tight.

I must jump in my sleigh and streak through the sky,
Knowing full well that a reindeer can't fly.

I will visit each household before the first light,
I'll cover the world and all in one night.

With sleighbells a-ringing, I'll land on each roof,
Amid the soft clatter of each little hoof.

To get in the house is the difficult part,
So I'll slide down the chimney of each child's heart.

My sack will hold toys to grant all their wishes.
The supply will be endless like the loaves and the fishes.

I will fill all the stockings and not leave a track.
I'll eat every cookie that is left for my snack.

I can do all these things Lord, only through You,
I just need your blessing, then it's easy to do.

All this is to honor the birth of the One,
That was sent to redeem us, Your most Holy Son.

So to all of my friends, least Your glory I rob,
Please Lord, remind them who gave me this job."



today'sTHOT============================

He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/23/09 04:17 AM
Self Serve Christmas

A kindly 90-year-old grandmother found buying presents for family and friends a bit much one Christmas, so she wrote out checks for all of them to put in their Christmas cards.

In each card she wrote, "Buy your own present" and then sent them off.

After the Christmas festivities were over, she found the checks in her desk!

Everyone had gotten a Christmas card from her with "Buy your own present" written inside, but without the checks!
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/27/09 03:24 AM
Top 10 things to say about a holiday gift you don't like:

10) Hey! There's a gift.

9.) Well, well, well...

8.) Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.

7.) Perfect for wearing in the basement.

6.) Wow, I hope this never catches fire!

5.) If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4.) I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3.) Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

2.) To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1.) I really don't deserve this.
Posted By: ChaiLover Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/27/09 04:24 AM
Lil you crack me up. I don't know where you come up with all of this stuff.

I couldn't remember a joke if my life depended on it....
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/27/09 04:34 AM
Something For Mom

The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.

Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he said, "OK, you can ask for something but it has to be for someone other than yourself. What do you want for Christmas?"

"Something for my mother," said the young lady.

"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you," smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? "

Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/28/10 05:25 AM
Decided this might be a bit risque for some, so put it into a spolier box, just so no one 'accidently' stumbles over it wink. I did post it a couple of years ago on the Goddess thread, but figure there's enough new people who could do with a laugh.



All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of Easy, painless removal ** The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the "Wax".
Read on......btw don't drink anything while reading this!

My night began as any other normal weeknight.

Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids.

I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the Next few hours.

"Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits.
No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your Hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss.
How hard can it be?I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined Enough to Figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out.
Its two strips facing each other stuck together.
Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the Hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"yeah...right!)I lay the Strip across my thigh.
Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.
I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me !
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin Extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north.
After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the Ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side Of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching Down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!!**

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....
OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the Strip.
CR*P!
Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.
Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe...........
OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy, a wax-covered strip, the one that has caused me so Much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.
I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair???
WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
I see the hair.
The hair that should be on the strip...it's not!
I touch.
I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now Covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped Upon the toilet?**

I know I need to do something.
So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut!
My butt is sealed shut.
Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and Think to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop.
My head may pop off!
What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
Immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it Off, right???
WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub -
The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war Or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse t han having your nether regions glued
Together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the Tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented Myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone Put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some Secret of how to get me undone.
It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued Together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause.
She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side
of the box.YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions.
I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor.
Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point?
I rub some on and OH MY STARS!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
"IT WORKS!!...
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE........ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off.Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I plan to color my own hair
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 02/24/10 09:14 PM
Note From Judge

During court one busy day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a note reading: "Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call someone."

Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before whispering to the judge that paramedics were on their way.

Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of the room and explained, "I was thinking maybe someone from maintenance!"
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/02/10 06:32 AM
Hmm, starting to feel this is my own personal thread...

Note: as a kiwi I find myself sadly able to understand alot of the following Nooo

You know you're Australian if....



You know the meaning of 'girt'

You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk

You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin

You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse

You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden

When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom

You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds

You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bun'

You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'

You believe the 'L' in the word ' Australia ' is optional

You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas'

You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep

You call your best friend 'a total (child of unmarried parents)' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a (child of unmarried parents)'

You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place

You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin

You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'

You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread

You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis

You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'

You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'

You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year

You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'U

You wear ugh boots outside the house

You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them

Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language

You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite

You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose

You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'

You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle

Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket

You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'

You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'

When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit

You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered

You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction

When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer

You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second

You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/20/10 10:36 PM
Lost Bible

"The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in it's mouth.

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.

He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow.

"Your name was written inside the cover."
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/21/10 01:37 PM
Lil, you are a fine one to talk about the Aussies! After all, I've been to Whakarewarewa.
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/21/10 01:39 PM
Lil, you are a fine one to talk about the Aussies! After all, I've been to Whakarewarewa.
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/21/10 01:43 PM
Oh yeah, and the 'car washes' were called 'Rub-A-Dub' in several places. What was with that?

And that souvenier shop in the lobby of the cathedral in Christchurch....walking distance from the sign - in front of a construction site - that said:

Another erection by Blo-Max
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/21/10 07:33 PM
rotflmao
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/21/10 07:34 PM
It's Tax Time
By W. Bruce Cameron

"Tax season" is to taxpayers what "duck season" is to ducks. A "tax
audit," though, is different-sort of like digging up the duck and shooting
it again.

To avoid tax audits, we employ "accountants," people who can read the tax
code without sobbing. Their job is to ferret out little-known deductions,
like "D-97Z11: Deduction for Ferrets." Then you can have a conversation
like this:

Accountant: Congratulations! You'll be getting a tax refund for $1,112.02
this year because your ferret ate your sofa while Aunt Liddy was sitting on
it.

You: Hooray!

Accountant: My bill for finding this deduction is $3,233.00. But I'll put
your returns into an attractive binder.

Eventually you'll conclude that Hey I'm As Smart As Any Accountant and Can
Do My Own Taxes, which is probably true, as delusions go, but ignores one
essential truth: The tax code was written by accountants. This is like
playing football in a stadium where the referees are wearing the uniform of
the opposing team.

Even the language has been hijacked. This year, for example, the tax forms
have been simplified, as they have every year since taxes were collected
by having your crops stolen by the sheriff of Nottingham. In this sense,
"simplified" means that compared to last year, you'll find the new forms
much, much easier to be impossible to figure out.

You basically have three choices for doing your taxes: (a) take the standard
deductions, (b) itemize your deductions, or (c) tie a cement block to your
neck and jump in the river.

If you take the standard deductions, filing your return will go relatively
quickly, but chances are good you'll wind up owing more in taxes than you
actually made. If you itemize your deductions, you'll save lots of money,
at a rate of about six additional hours for every dollar reclaimed.

If you don't believe me, here are the first few questions on the new
simplified 2009 tax form:

1. What is your current status? (a) Full-time resident. (b) Part of the
time I live here, and part of the time I'm dead. (c) I have a note from my
doctor.

2. IMPORTANT: If you have a family of six or more people living in your
attic without your permission, you must complete form AQ-290-BELFRY.

3. In the movie To Kill A Mockingbird, who played the character "Boo?"

4. If you chew gum on the way to work, you may claim only the first ten
chews. (See form 21-BBL.) If you chew two pieces at once, you may double
this deduction (Form 21-DBL-BBL).

5. Do you qualify for a handicapped parking pass? If so, can we borrow it
this weekend? What, you think that's a callous thing to ask? You do
remember that we're the IRS, right?

6. If your home was struck by a hurricane or a tornado, you may deduct the
cost of rebuilding your dwelling in the same place so it will happen again.
If you had a fire, whose fault is that? Not ours, that's who. Don't try to
pay us less just because you were careless. And if kids threw toilet paper
in your trees one night, it means other people in your neighborhood hate you
besides us.

7. Go back three spaces.

8. If you purchased a lotto ticket and then sat around fantasizing about all
the stuff you would buy if you won, you must pay taxes on those items.

9. You must pay x, where (((z " ?p = pn) ? v35) + x) = 8.

10. Frankly, we're sort of disappointed at your income. We have lots of
programs to pay for, and the money for those comes from people just like you
only more successful. We've also got significant expenses for fraud and
waste. Do you think maybe you could try a little harder this year? It
wouldn't hurt you to lose a few pounds, either.

When you've answered these questions, and the 175 others just like them, you
can either (a) file your return electronically, or (b) stuff your return in
a bottle and toss it in the ocean. Neither method will give you the sense
that your work will ever been seen by another living person.

But that's okay. If your return is lost, you can always pay an accountant
to file an extension.
Posted By: Pepperband Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/21/10 09:57 PM
Quote
You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place

In the 1970's, whenever I was in Sydney, I used to frequent a place called:

Woolloomooloo Woolshed

I still have their business card, because I liked it so much.
The card is brown, in the shape of a sheep. with gold print that reads:

"Inge & Heinz
132 Forbes Street"

I don't think it exists anymore. frown
It was a very WILD place to hang out. wink
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/04/10 08:57 PM
today'sFUNNY=============================

My pastor-husband Scott has a sweet tooth, so I knew the chocolate chip cookies I'd just baked might disappear before I returned from running errands.

To discourage him, I taped a verse on the wrapped goodies: "Everything is permissible for me -- but not everything is beneficial." - 1 Cor. 6:12.

When I returned I found half the cookies gone and another verse attached: "The righteous eat to their heart's content, but the stomach of the wicked goes hungry" - Prov. 13:25.
Posted By: JustFigureditout Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/05/10 12:35 AM
Originally Posted by lildoggie
8. If you purchased a lotto ticket and then sat around fantasizing about all
the stuff you would buy if you won, you must pay taxes on those items.


LOL !!!!
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/05/10 04:48 PM
Informative and Instructional Video for ALL Men!
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/07/10 02:30 AM
A tired mom opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can."

"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, OR one of each."

today'sTHOT============================

I'd like to be the ideal mother, but I'm too busy raising my kids.
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/11/10 09:53 AM
HOW TO TELL WHEN FOODS GO BAD

ICE CREAM - If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.

FROZEN FOODS - Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EGGS - When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway - if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetit!

MEAT - If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.

UNMARKED ITEMS - You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.

CANNED GOODS - Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of very carefully.

POTATOES - Fresh potatoes should not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

BREAD - Sesame seeds and poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.

CEREAL - It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.

FLOUR - Flour is spoiled when it wiggles or things fly out when you open it.

RAISINS - Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.

SALT - It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.

SPICES - Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.

VINEGAR - If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/11/10 12:44 PM
So, who was the idiot who put a fence across the end of a busy one-way road and sat a big stage (complete w/ professional lighting and sound systems) in the middle of the street but did not put up any notices or detour signs?
Posted By: cinderella Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/13/10 09:08 PM
***********edit************
Posted By: Prisca Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/13/10 09:15 PM
[quote=cinderella*******edit********[/quote]
Huh?
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/13/10 09:29 PM
Huh?? What you talkin' about Cinders?
Posted By: markos Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/13/10 09:30 PM
[quote=cinderella********edit******* [/quote]

Cinderella, you are welcome to click ignore on my posts any time that you want. If you are going to speak publicly about me, I'll thank you to do it respectfully.
Posted By: Prisca Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/13/10 09:32 PM
Is that supposed to be a joke? It's really not that funny.
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/13/10 09:41 PM
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: �My friend is dead! What can I do?�

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: �Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.� There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: �OK, now what?�
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/13/10 09:43 PM
Three men walk into a bar.



You would have thought one of them might have seen it.
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/13/10 09:45 PM
A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender, irritated, says, "What'll you have?"

The duck says, "Got any pickles?"

The bartender spits and says "We don't have pickles here, We serve drinks. Now get out!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any pickles?"

The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next days the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks: "Got any pickles?"

The bartender, infuriated, POUNDS his fist on the bar and yells at the duck. "I told you two times we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks! If you ask me ONE MORE TIME, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"

With that the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool, and waddled out.

The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked: "Got any nails?"

The bartender, puzzled, said "No."

The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any pickles?"
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/13/10 09:46 PM
rotflmao rotflmao
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/13/10 09:46 PM
Warning: drawn out pun ahead . . .


It's the year 2350. Humanity has spread to a few star systems, and is dedicatedly colonizing them. However, there is one discovered planet still lacking much human settlement. On this planet resides a single sentient life form. It is several hundred feet tall, and rather humanoid in form. Brain waves indicate great intelligence, and consciousness, but the creature does not move.

One day, a college student, investigating this creature for his college thesis, gets frustrated and yells out, "how can something evolve with arms and legs if it doesn't use them?"

It turns out this is the first time anyone had asked a question loud enough for the creature to hear. Presently, it stood up, (parting the clouds with its head) pondered a bit, boomed out, "IT CAN'T," and sat back down.

The student was dumbstruck. "But of course." he muttered. "It only stands to reason . . ."
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/13/10 09:47 PM
Originally Posted by princessmeggy
rotflmao rotflmao

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week laugh
Posted By: TandC Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/13/10 10:01 PM
[Linked Image from i163.photobucket.com]

Lildoggie, you and your jokes should come with a warning;

WARNING: Do not read lildoggie's jokes unless you have a strong bladder, otherwise...you might just piddle yourself from all the laughter.

Oh man, your jokes are an accident waiting to happen, lol.

[Linked Image from i163.photobucket.com]
Posted By: Tawandabelle Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/13/10 10:14 PM
lildoggie is highly highly intelligent. Only intelligent people love puns....at least that's what I tell DH when he rolls his eyes over mine.....
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/13/10 10:18 PM
Puns?

Lis(z)t
/
Chopin
\
Mozart
/


Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/13/10 10:22 PM
[Linked Image from pic4ever.com]

Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/13/10 10:32 PM
Originally Posted by TandC
[Linked Image from i163.photobucket.com]

Lildoggie, you and your jokes should come with a warning;

WARNING: Do not read lildoggie's jokes unless you have a strong bladder, otherwise...you might just piddle yourself from all the laughter.

Oh man, your jokes are an accident waiting to happen, lol.

[Linked Image from i163.photobucket.com]
you shouldnt encourage me you know cool
Posted By: stillhere8126 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/14/10 12:56 AM
rotflmao OMG, those were hilarious....
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/16/10 05:19 AM

I come from a large family, five sisters and three brothers.

My sisters and I were looking through the family photo album one day. Picture after picture, we were all dressed in matching clothes. I asked my mother why she dressed us all alike, right down to the baby.

She explained, "When we had just four children, I dressed you alike so we wouldn't lose any of you. Then," she added, looking at the pictures in the album, "when the other five came along, I started dressing you alike so we won't pick up any that didn't belong to us."
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/16/10 05:21 AM
Toaster Request

When my son was two or three and learning the ways of American life, he watched me place some bread in both slots of our toaster so that it would be ready to cook just before serving.

Considering the opportunity, he pulled a chair to the counter and politely asked, "Mommy, may I flush the toaster?"
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/16/10 05:25 AM
A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?!" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, "Twenty dollars for contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now"

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

today'sTHOT============================

A person who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

=======================================
Posted By: Flick Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/16/10 07:39 AM
Quote
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house.

Heck yes, that's me. I had to find the instruction manual for the cordless phone just so I could make it ring. Why do manufacturers have to make everything so difficult? It's like they want to mess with our heads.

And apparently my cordless phones will transfer calls to each other, it only takes about 6 button pushes and a degree in some sort of telephone science.

And why do they have to give everything such stupid names? bluebooks i-berrys blacktooths and The Lord only knows what they will come up with next!

I am becoming more and more sure that the main reason these companies are making cordless wireless products is so we don't throttle them with the cords. Thankfully we can still give them a darn good beating with the uncorded junk that they have foisted on us.

Beat the blighters with their own product, that will teach them to confuse me, I'm old they should know better than to confuse an old man. barr fooowey.

Posted By: stillhere8126 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/16/10 02:46 PM
lil, you are hysterical, those were great... rotflmao
Posted By: stillhere8126 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/16/10 02:50 PM
We are just old, flick....the youngins dont have as much trouble as we do....heck my DS8 can figure out the stuff better than me...When DS was 4 we got a new computer and H and I were reading how to get online....in the meantime DS was already surfing the web.:)
Posted By: stillhere8126 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/17/10 10:46 PM
Originally Posted by lildoggie
bought a great new toilet seat recently.

On the label was a suggestion on how to clean it.

Although nice to have the option, I doubt I'll take advantage of it.

My toilet seat, it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe."


rotflmao
Posted By: stillhere8126 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/17/10 10:49 PM
think Wait a minute, i'm lost, how did I get here.[Linked Image from pic4ever.com]
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/26/10 10:12 PM
SPAM-O-GRAM
By W. Bruce Cameron

I am pleased to announce that I have recently received an offer via e-mail to transfer $25,589,000 directly into my bank account�I'm rich!

I have no idea why I, among the millions and millions of e-mail users, was singled out for such lavish treatment, but I assure you, I will not be selfish�once I have the money, I plan to share it, generously spending it on highly visible luxury automobiles and enormous yachts so everyone can see my wealth and enjoy it.

Lest you doubt the veracity of this deal, allow me to quote verbatim from the e-mail in question:

Dear Sir: I am most unfortunate to thinking you may not suspect me as real for we do not now know or been introduced, but allow me to say I am Song Lou. I work for Heng Suck Banq, Ltd, and have the proposition for you of transferring $25.589 million USD directly to your bank account which will be of mutual benefit to you once we have established cordial cooperation and modality. Please GET BACK TO ME ASAP....Song Lou

Here's how I know this is legitimate: (a) the dollar amount is very specific�I'd be suspicious of a rounded off figure; (b) he works for a Suck Bank�I'm a customer of a Service Sucks Bank, which is probably a subsidiary; and (c) he needs me to GET BACK TO him ASAP�legitimate business people are always in a big hurry. I responded to his e-mail the day I got it:

Dear Mr. Lou: So delightfully I am partaking of your recent e-mail! I would most cooperatively accept your transfer of $25.589 million because that's exactly how much I need! With much insomnia I beg for your response....W. Bruce Cameron

He wrote right back!

Dear W: My associates are speaking most excitedly on this matter. We are requiring only of some informational proceedings for rapid facilitation of transfer. Please to forward bank account name, number, routing, and phone for reaching....Song Lou

Great! I decided I just needed a little bit more informational proceeding myself and I'd be good to go.

Dear Song: Most unctuous and florid greetings upon your eyebrows. My concerning is for how the transfer is working. Would you please snorkel your immediate describings of the next notes in the opera? Yours in lasagna....W.

Dear W: Some puzzlement has befuddled us during your last communications. However, we are confident with you as our partner in business for $25.589 million and can lay the goodness of an additional $10 million USD. However URGENT for response with banking informational details preceedingly requested. Yours truly....Song Lou

Dear Song Sung Lou: Blessings upon you and your puppies. I have spoken with high regard to all my appliances of your keen business skills and shavings. Though much of my lust is bestirred by the $10 million, I am requisite of a total of $50 million and am inquiring of any possibility you and your associates may emerge from their medications with this additional transfer. Also, through the subscriptions of their loins my parents have blessed me with a sister through all perplexity, and she, too, would be willing for a limited time only to accept a $50-million transfer.

Dear W.: Though our history suggests you can be trusted with our worthiness, many among us are suspect of you unseriously misdirecting our associations. Please be aware of our availability to the $50 million only if you can be convincing of your honesty! We have no wasting time! Yes, your sister please also bank information with 24 hours for transferring or we will be withdrawn to other matters. Yours truly....Song

Dear Song: All of my follicles are emerging from the dark winter of their trousers and turning their taste buds to your luscious wrists! Most joyously do I face the soup of your embalming of my sister. My beamings are upon all of the Suck companies, with wishes for continued integrity at every turn of the pipe. Yours most impeded....Bruce

They never wrote back, but I'm sure the transfer is coming soon!
Posted By: Pepperband Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/26/10 10:31 PM
rotflmao
Posted By: Mark1952 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/26/10 10:33 PM
[Linked Image from cool-smileys.com]
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 05/27/10 08:41 AM
Today's THORT============================

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 06/09/10 11:48 PM


With some misgivings, we left a young babysitter in charge of our three energetic youngsters.

When we returned a few hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV.

I went to check on the children and found them in our narrow hallway. By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had climbed up to the ceiling.

"The babysitter taught us how," they said gleefully.

The sitter joined me, her face a deep red. "Since they had me climbing the walls, I figured they might as well be too," she stammered.
Posted By: Flick Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 06/19/10 09:02 AM
It's been a while since I posted anything here...

TOP 10 WRONG WAYS TO INITIATE YOUR SON INTO MANHOOD

10. Teach him the secret male ritual of leaving the toilet seat up and the toilet paper roll empty.

9. Have a ceremony where you give him his own remote control.

8. Lead him through an afternoon of rigorous physical training in the back yard while you sit in a lawn chair with a half-gallon of ice cream.

7. Eat until you're about to burst and then ride the Screamin' Hurler roller coaster.

6. Put cream on his face and let the cat shave him with its tongue.

5. Walk behind him through his school halls yelling, "You da man!"

4. Send him to the local discount store to buy mom's "personal things."

3. Give him Grandma's lime green Ford Pinto with personalized license plates that say, "TUFFGUY."

2. Send the womenfolk shopping, then get out your secret Old Yeller video and have a good cry together.

1. Shot put catching.
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 06/23/10 08:03 AM
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny. But she couldn't have been right - everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken - pork and beef and fish too.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 06/29/10 06:03 PM
Copper Wire

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a Story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists, finding of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers"

One week later. A local newspaper in Texas reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Maypearl, Texas, Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless".

Yeehaw!!
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 06/30/10 08:29 AM
A lady walks into an ice cream shop and asks the man at the counter for some chocolate ice cream. the man says "sorry ma'am, we're fresh out". The women says "ok, than just give me some chocolate ice cream please".
The man replies " sorry ma'am, I just told u we're out". the woman than says "really? sigh...ok, than I'll just have some chocolate ice cream".
The man by this point just stares at her for a moment and finally replies "look lady, say 'van' as in vanilla..." the woman replies in a perky voice "ok, van!".
The man then says "ok, say 'straw' as in strawberry..." the lady once again replies cheerfully "straw!".
The man says "good, now say 'FREAK' as in chocolate..." the lady thinks for a moment and then remarks to the man "wait a minute, there's no 'freak' in chocolate!". To this the man replies "THATS WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL U!!!!!"
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 06/30/10 08:31 AM
A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing. While searching around for them, he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room, and he found himself completely naked in the halls of the world''s most powerful military organization HQ. But, luckily, no one was around to see him.

So, he ran as fast as he could to the elevator. When it arrived, it was empty. He breathed a sigh of relief and got in. When the doors opened on his floor, there was no one waiting outside. "This must be my lucky day," he said to himself. He was now only a few yards from his office.

Suddenly, he heard footsteps coming from around the corner. He heard the General''s voice. There was no way he'd make it to his door in time, so he ducked into the closest office available, and found himself in the laboratory for Research & Development. The Head Scientist looked up from one of her experiments with puzzled interest.

The soldier thought quickly, stood up straight and saluted.

"I am here to report the partial success of the Personal Invisibility Device," he said.

"I see," the Head Scientist said. "But the Shrink Ray seems to be working perfectly."
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 07/07/10 11:38 PM
The Vet and The Doc

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription and handed it to her and said,

"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 07/07/10 11:39 PM
*with apology to any good lawyers on MB*

LAWSUIT PARTY ANIMAL
By W. Bruce Cameron

I'm a party in a lawsuit.

A person involved in a lawsuit is called a "party" with the same ironic misuse of language that a person who has been sitting in a doctor's waiting room for 2.5 hours is called a "patient." There's no
party that I can see, though I suppose it is true that everyone there has received a written invitation.

The fun starts with the deposition, a process by which the attorneys for the other side ask a series of mind-numbing questions in an effort to prove that your lawsuit is completely boring. Here's some of
the actual transcript from my deposition:

Opposing Counsel: Now, Mr. Cameron, before we get started, if at any time you feel like you need to use the bathroom, you should advise me, because if I know you are in physical distress I'll enjoy this
more.

Me: Okay.

Opposing Counsel: First question. You're supposedly some kind of humorist, so that must mean you had pretty bad parents, right?

My Attorney: Objection. You have not established that my client even had parents. For all we know, he came out of some kind of worm.

Opposing Counsel: I'll withdraw the question if you'll stipulate that your client is an idiot.

My Attorney: I think that's obvious, so yes, I'll stipulate.

Me: Uh, could I talk to my attorney for a minute?

Opposing Counsel: Sure, if you have something to hide. Otherwise, you'll just answer the question.

Me: What question?

Opposing Counsel: Let the record show that the witness is evasive and ugly.

My Attorney: Plus he has really poor taste in clothing.

Me: Hey!

My Attorney: I can't help it. I think your tie is unethical.

Opposing Counsel: Now Mr. Cameron, let me show you a photograph. Do you recognize the house in this picture?

Me: No.

Opposing Counsel: That's because it's mine. I plan to use the money from my billing on this deposition to make this month's mortgage payment, so I'll need to drag out the proceedings a bit today.

My Attorney: That's okay, I'm saving to buy a sailboat.

Opposing Counsel: So, Mr. Cameron, next question. Do you really believe that you'll recover enough from this lawsuit to even begin paying your attorney fees?

My Attorney: Objection; we've already established my client is an idiot.

Opposing Counsel: Look, if you keep objecting to everything I say we're both just going to make a lot more money, so I suggest you continue doing it.

My Attorney: Can I just say, I have never found you more attractive than I do at this moment.

Me: Yes, I do think I'll recover enough to more than pay my attorney fees.

Opposing Counsel: You are a humorist!

My Attorney: May I speak to my client? I'm getting a little nauseated, here. (To me, whispering.) Hey listen, while doing this I'm going to work on another case so I can double bill, is that okay?

Opposing Counsel: Ha! I can hear you!

Me: No! We're wasting time. Can't you get this thing moving? This is costing a lot of money!

My Attorney: Look, did you buy that tie at a garage sale or something? I mean, lordy.

Opposing Counsel: Lordy pordy pie!

Me: Can we just get on with this, please?

Opposing Counsel: I could hear you the whole time, you know.

Me: I know, that's fine, I don't care.

Opposing Counsel: Have you ever been afflicted with jaundice, boll weevils, a persistent itch in places you can't scratch, knife wounds from someone you don't know, or that gross stuff in the corner of
your eye in the morning?

Me: What does that have to do with anything?

My Attorney: Hang on, I'm the attorney here. Objection, with the exception of the boll weevils, what does this have to do with anything?

Opposing Counsel: We're having a blood drive at work and I wanted to see if he can donate.

Me: No to everything except the eye stuff.

Opposing Counsel: Eew!

My Attorney: That's really gross.

Opposing Counsel: Well, let's take a break here so we can continue billing while we drink coffee.

My Attorney: Good idea!

(Deposition ends)
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 07/07/10 11:40 PM
Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up.

When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.

Salesman Riley carefully explained to her how everything worked - how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

today'sTHOT============================

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, but only when the interest is kept up.

=======================================
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 07/10/10 02:56 AM
A man goes skydiving for the first time.

After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the plane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord.

Nothing happens.

He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.

Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 08/15/10 08:58 PM
Rail-road tracks.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. This is an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates designed the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's *ss came up with this?' , you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' *sses.)

Now, there's a twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's *ss.

And you thought being a horse's *ss wasn't important?

Ancient horse's *sses control almost everything...
Posted By: hope3343 Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 08/16/10 08:00 PM
An elderly man in Kentucky had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while to look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.
Posted By: imagine Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 10/16/10 06:32 PM
Hi folks, got tired of lurking, here is funnies posted to me on email from my sister.

Gentle Thoughts for Today


Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbour�s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at a tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight; by then your body and your fat have become friends.



The easiest way to find something you lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice that the Roman numerals for forty are XL?



If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't yet met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you already know who�s going to be blamed.



The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.



There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I�m sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know why I look like this. I have travelled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of algebra.

You know you�re getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the things no one tells you about growing older is that it is such a nice change from being young.



Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zip. Then you realise that it�s much worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago men cursed and beat the ground with sticks. It was called witchcraft then, but today it's golf.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth. AMEN!

Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 01/31/11 11:37 PM
Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course."

"Try heaven," said the caddy.

"You've already moved most of the earth."
Posted By: johnstwin Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 02/01/11 01:14 AM
Thanks lil-

That one actually made me laugh out loud! laugh
Posted By: Deacon_Blues Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 02/02/11 10:21 PM
Older Women Are So Reasonable

After being married for 41 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "41 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old girl...

Now I have a $1,000,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a LCD High Definition TV. But I'm sleeping with a 64 year old woman.

It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises.
Posted By: helpthelostdads Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 08/14/11 05:41 AM
This thread deserves regular bumps.
Posted By: Kalahari Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 11/08/11 08:08 AM
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct
slowdown in system performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery
applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as
Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs
such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV.

Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning triggers a Fatal System
Error. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but I'm getting
nowhere.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate



Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband
is an Operating System. Please download IThoughtYouLovedMe.exe and
Tears.exe, then run them in that order.

If you don't have it already, install the latest version of Guilt. If
that application works, Husband should then automatically start
Jewellery and Flowers, but remember, running the above application too
often can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or
Beer.
Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly
plug-in.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the
background that will eventually gain control of all your system
resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program:
these are unsupported applications and usually crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory
and cannot run new programs quickly. It also tends to work better
running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional
software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.
Hope this helps

Tech Support
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 12/28/11 07:34 AM
I love this thread!
Posted By: lildoggie Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 03/16/12 08:41 AM
Y'all dont do jokes no more??

Pygmy Hunter

A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pygmy standing beside it.

Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?"

The pygmy said, "Yes."

The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"

"I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"

The pygmy replied, "There's about 60 of us."
Posted By: Logans_Run Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/05/12 12:32 PM
Not really a joke, more of a 1 liner.

I was thinking about joining the optimist club, but i dont think they would let me in.

Posted By: swan's song Re: The ROFLMFAO Thread - 04/06/12 03:34 AM
Read the label first!

Some actual product warning labels:

On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (duh!)

On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM
UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Make sense...except these instructions we're IN THE BOX!)

In some countries (like W. Virginia:), on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.

On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
( Now THAT I'd like to see! )

On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on BOTTOM of the box)
* DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(oops...Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to what...use in outer space?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I'm sure glad they cleared that up.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)







These are facts you probably have never realized
The word "racecar," "kayak," and "radar" are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.

"a man a plan a canal panama" spelled backwards is still "a man a plan a canal panama"

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you will have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, but dogs only have about ten.

No word in the English language rhymes with "month."

On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

All polar bears are left handed.

The name Wendy was made up for the book 'Peter Pan.'

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

Eskimos use refrigerators to keep food FROM freezing.

The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog," uses every letter in the alphabet.

The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave it to Beaver."

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year.

The Bible has been translated into Klingon.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

35% of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and
chocolate.

In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.






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