Hi, I have read the website regarding infidelity in marriage. Does this also apply even though a couple is not yet married? I had been with my girlfriend for 9 years and I am having similar symptoms because of my infidelity when we were together. We are currently not together right now and I am having a hard time if I should get back with her (girl A) or with the other girl (girl B).

Hi confused.

So you are saying you cheated on your girlfriend and want to know if you should get back together with her or should go with the woman you were cheating with?

A few things.. It is not the same as a marital affair, there is a qualitative difference in that there is no life commitment there and things aren't "shared" and expected like they are in marriage. Also, does your girlfriend even want you back? If so, why would she? The fact you are even considering the question is a huge red-flag.

What makes you think you have something to offer her after having cheated? She is free to pursue a healthy relationship, and it sounds like you have not broken it off with the other girl yet.


My advise would be to stay away from her and let her move on.

Take a look at the book, "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders". Then, determine which one you are.

Do you have children with your girlfriend of 9 years?

If you are not married, you are a free agent. You should marry the woman who does the best job of meeting your needs and who is the most compatible.

And, I might add .... BE HONEST with all the women you date that right now, you are not exclusive. You are dating more than one woman. Just be honest.

Wear a rubber.

Yes. Give them the chance to decide for themselves if they are comfortable with this situation or not.

Doing so will make you a bigger man than you are now. It will also help you find the best woman for you.

cm89,

My guess is that you really are not confused.

What is happening is that you were pretty much sure that you did not want to marry "woman A" when you started dating "B". The proof is that you dated A for 9 years.........and never made a commitment to her in the form of a marriage.

Your hesitation to marry her should tell you that you knew something was not there for marriage. What was missing?

Put your finger on that. You know exactly what kept you from marrying A.

You know exactly why you failed to commit to her, and why you chose to keep the option open to date other women.


You need to be honest about "being confused". What you want is to "trial date" Ms. B, so just in case you are wrong about this you can run back to the safety of A.....


who might be "okay in a pinch", but isn't really the woman you want for the long haul.


Instead of keeping A on the string - while you shop around - why not tell her the truth, and go on with your wife-hunting?

And let A go on about her life without you, so she can find a man who is willing to commit to her, and not keep her as his emergency back-up girlfriend?



I know that sounds harsh, but isn't that really what you are doing?


SB

Thank you everybody for all your comments and advise. I finally let girl A go. I did not have any children with girl A and since I am from a very conservative family of ethnic race, couples are not supposed to live together until they get married.

I have been faithful for the past 9 years until I realized that I am about to marry but I have never tried somebody else just to "fool around". Then everything went downhill from there. I met girl B and felt very very happy so I broke off with Girl A. I was with girl B for 2 months then I also broke it off with her because there is a lingering feeling for girl A because she is the prefect one for me and my family since my parents and siblings accepted her and sort of loved her already.

I tried to get back to girl A, all the while my feelings are with girl B because I feel like girl B made me very very happy even though I had broken off with the other girl B for more than 2 weeks already. However, I felt a lot of love and yearning-heavy, meaningful feelings just to be with her. Then now, after telling girl A that it really is over and I also want to move on from her, those feelings for girl B somewhat disappeared. I do not understand what is happening and what I am feeling right now.

I am sorry, I know this is for married couples but somehow for the past 9 years I feel like I have been married to girl A. I am just feeling desperate and I want to understand and I have no one to turn to.

Congratulations on having this crisis of commitment BEFORE marrying anyone!

CM83, PLEASE do everyone involved in your life a HUGE favor and refrain from moving toward any kind of marital commitment until you significantly improve your understanding of what you want from your life and what you want from the woman you would be sharing that life with. (In shorthand, this would be called "growing the he77 up".)

From this distance you appear to want the convention of a marriage, but not the specificity of one - in other words, the concept appeals to you, but the reality is unacceptable. You should learn that having a woman be there for you, forever, requires that you be there for her, forever.

Selfishness and self-centeredness are NOT good characteristics to bring forward to a marriage.

I know that deep in my heart, I want to be with Girl B. But my family and siblings do not approve. Hence, the confusion. I need help on how girl B be accepted for who she is. She is already being judged just because of her status, ethnic race and her job. It is a reputable job but there is a stereotype for women on her job from where I am from that they sleep around with people just to meet her sales quota. There is also a stereotype on her ethnic race that hey can never be loyal in a marriage.