I have listened to a few clips of Dr Harley discussing what a serial cheater is: someone who is addicted to the high of the affair and not an actual person. But sometimes when a person has simply had multiple affairs we refer to them on this forum as a serial cheater without really identifying if this is the reasoning behind it.

Isn't it true that if boundaries are poor, anyone could have multiple affairs over the course of time, even if they do not have a serial cheater mindset so to speak?

So on this forum, do we refer to 'serial cheating' as multiple affairs, or multiple affairs ONLY when the presence of the serial cheating mindset (addiction to affair and not to a specific person) is present?

I don't think the reasoning matters much. It's either someone pursuing affairs or else they are being negligent in preventing them. Both are really bad considering the devastation that an affair brings.

Many people "fall into" affairs the first time. But really, ignorance is only an excuse once.

The term serial just means "performing a series of similar acts over a period of time". So for me, multiple affairs fits the definition.

But Dr Harley seems to define them differently than we do here. He defines them specifically as someone who is addicted to the affair itself, as in the euphoria of the fantasy, and not the person at all.

Whereas many people who come here after suffering multiple affairs, have never protected boundaries and therefore it is reasonable that an affair happened with OW1 at 5 yrs and OW2 at 10 yrs, as an example.

My XH (and his father) met Dr Harley's definition of serial cheaters. They actively went out and trawled for women for the thrill of the chase. However, at least in the case of one affair, my XH also became addicted to the woman herself so there was a blurring between the two kinds of cheater that took place.

Both for him and his father, there was never a question of leaving the marriage however. That woman was dumped quickly when I discovered her. He is still angry that I divorced him.

That's funny.

x 2

It would be funny if he had not then spent six years fighting the divorce tooth and nail.
I do not know how typical this is but he rationalized the affairs to himself by convincing himself that he was 'saving the marriage'.

Oh my goodness. Six years?! That's horrible.

This is typical from what I have seen of many Whs. My dad's girlfriend's ex did the same thing. He fought her for 5 years.

Even WH's who "want the divorce" as mine claims he does, don't lift a finger to actually push the process through. If he had wanted a divorce so badly he could have filed a long time ago. If he wants one now, he could agree to a settlement he knows I won't object to, etc.

They feel somehow wronged that you had the AUDACITY to divorce them. It's entitlement and the losing of options.

Here in NYS, no fault divorce is very recent. We are awash with stories like this. I have a friend whose divorce took 10 years. She was financially ruined. The irony was that her husband abandoned them when her three boys were babies and then fought her for custody.

Yes that is exactly how it is.

I refer to my fWH as a serial adulterer. He was actively pursuing sex with OW's for several years. He fell in love with the final OW, (the only one who didn't stop contacting him), and she was the only one he considered leaving the marriage for.

I discovered the other OW's after the FR with the Dolly. When I confronted him, he didn't even remember these OW's. He now says he considered these OW's as playthings, which he believed were his entitlement, and helped him to keep things "fresh and fun" in our marriage.

So yes, he was addicted to the flirtation, the admiration, he got from the OW's. And, to some extent, the secrecy and intrigue required for affairs. He became addicted to the Dolly when she continued the game, even though he told her at the outset that he loved me, and would not be leaving me. He claims none of the OW meant anything to him. But I believe they could have, that he could have fallen in love with any of them as he did with the Dolly, if the women hadn't broken contact with him first.