She is changing and I don't like it - Marriage Builders® Forums

My wife and I have been happily married for 21 years. Over the years we have changed and grown apart several times. Each time we reach a point where we re-discover each other and fall in love all over again. At this time, we seem to be at a very stable high in our marriage.One trend I have observed over the years is a change in my wife’s outlook on life which I have not liked. As she gets older she is becoming more negative. Instead of providing the kids with encouragement, she is reverting more and more to threats. Eg: “If you don’t learn some manors nobody will ever like you”......rather than.....”You will find people will treat you better if you use good manors.” She is also becoming more distrustful of other people and more critical. I find myself defending everyone from the neighbors to the salesclerks. The most threatening thing to me is that her mother is VERY negative. When my wife was younger, her mother used to write her letters putting her down. In one letter she told my wife she will burn in hell if she doesn’t become a good Catholic. I confronted her mother and stopped the letters - but to this day she has nothing good to say to her daughters - or her grand children. I am worried my wife will eventually fall into this pattern and it scares me a lot. I don’t think I could live with it.I have discussed with my wife how she could better communicate to me or the kids. But she is very defensive about her negativity. She feels its justified in most cases. She does not want to become like her mother, and refuses to consider that her actions/comments could be anything like her mothers. Two of our kids are adolescents now and often show disrespect for her when she exhibits this behavior. I have tried to connect the behavior to their disrespect but she refuses to accept that connection either. The trend is over a very long period and I cannot associate the change to specific events. How can I deal with this? I know I cannot change her - she has to want to change. But how do I get her to recognize the problem? What can I do to encourage more positive behavior?

I can empathize in a way. I have watched my mother becoming more and more like her mother. Going to Gramma's house was usually a chore.I have seen the change more pronounced since I have only occassional contact. I think, unlike you, the family has sat aside and hoped that she would recognize instead of trying to discuss it with her. Impatience, mainly, with the grandkids with who they live. It is similar with those grand kids she sees occasionally. I, too, remember some put-downs from her as a child. My father has explained their early life together and, as it sounds to me that you may have similar experiences, the wife's mother tries to run the daughter's life.Maybe a gentle nudge and a wink and say to her 'you rmind me of you mom...' but then suddenly get distracted by the birds or something and let her come up with a response. However, NEVER, ever, be near sharp or heavy objects that can be within her reach if you say something like that. BTW- mom and dad are celebrating anniversary # 50 this year!! rrunrr

Happy_Hus, Hi! Please do not tell your wife that she reminds you of her own mom. That is a big LB. Not even jokingly. It isn't a solution so don't offer it. How old is your wife? 3 years ago, I was a mess. Forgot my daughters birthdate. Couldn't focus, cried all the time. Complained constantly. Was a nut! I went to OBGYN and found out I had begun the dreaded "change". It takes as long at 10 years to get through! She started me on HRT. The improvement in me was immediate! My brain started functioning again, my skin got softer, many of my aches and pains went away. It was a life saving discovery. Get her to the MD to rule out hormone deficencies first. Toni

Hello! I just had to respond because this hit close to home. My grandma was also very negative and brought up in a catholic orphange. What were the catholics thinking back then I'll never understand!! My mother and grandmother never had a good relationship because my grandma didnt believe in showing emotion. She once told me the nuns would punish them for even hugging their friends, no physical contact was allowed! Anyway to make a long story short, this disfunctional negativity has been handed down for generations. I too notice I am too negative, but don't know how to stop myself, but I keep trying. When I go to the doctor I'm going to ask about depression. What I wanted to say to you is that your wife probably realizes what shes doing and doesnt know how to stop. Years of negativity is hard to change. Maybe one of your children could try talking to her?? If she could be told by one of her children how they feel they cant do anything to please her it could cause a breakthrough and possibly a break down. She will identify with how she felt as a child and feel awful about it and hopefully be ready to take the first step to some help. That really is a touchy situation though because you dont want her to feel cornered with her whole family against her. Just try to be sensitive. I bet one of your children could get through to her. I know it would work for me! Please keep us posted if you come up with some solution, I'd really like to hear about it.

I will support SheRa's position 1000%. In a conversation just yesterday with my H he told me that for a period of time before I went on HRT I was behaving miserably. He claimed I was crotchety, sharp, and short tempered. It was so bad that he and our daughters discussed it. I finally went on HRT because of crying jags I would have for no reason. The crying stopped. My H says I am like a new person or back to my old self (the positive one).Have your wife check it out with a physician.