I had an affair that lasted 7 years. My lover and I had made plans to live together just as soon as I got things settled from an estate left by my mom. We were deeply in love and things were great. I had never met anyone with so much in common with me and everything so perfect. Well, things got a little drawn out in getting everything settled and she dumped me. She even came right out and told me she already had my replacement. I felt so guilty after all this hiding that I told my wife and honestly expected to be thrown out on my ear. Then came the surprise of my life, she said, Now that it's in the open we can work it out!! This never crossed my mind. I can't even come up with a real reason why I got in an affair in the first place. The wife and I are really trying to make it work but it seems I can't forgive myself or get my lover out of my mind. I keep thinking of all the plans we made, all the time we spent together trying to get things in order for me to move, how much I still care for her and now neither of us will ever experience the rewards. Can anyone tell me how to speed up the process of getting over this affair, forgiving myself, and rebuilding our marriage? I know my wife is the only way to go, she has stood by me through every problem we ever had. I have done her so wrong and I am truly sorry for what I put her through. By the way the estate settlement came through within 3 weeks after being dumped!

I'm sorry no one has responded to your message so far. I usually post on another board but happened to be on this one today.

Seven years is a long time to have an affair. That's longer than some marriages last. You aren't going to get over it quickly. But it really sounds like you've got a gem of a wife who is willing to work on rebuilding things with you.

First and most importantly, if you haven't already, go to NO CONTACT with your xlover. I've learned through experience and this site that no real progress can occur until that happens.

Then I'd start with the Emotional Needs questionnaire. Print out 2 copies and have your wife take it along with you. Then you can identify the needs that your xlover was meeting and work on having your wife meet them instead. You can also focus on meeting your wife's needs rather than those of your xlover.

That should get the ball rolling for you. Keep coming here, reading, posting and working on your marriage.

All the best to you and your wife.

Try posting this on other forums....especially the infidelity section...you should get lots of advice.