I have never been in love with you - Marriage Builders® Forums

I was told this. I have never been in love with you. I love you but not in love with you. Talk about pain! I feel hopeless. I feel like we can't even talk without fighting. i have changed. She has changed. I don't think she cares about "us" anymore. A weight was lifted off her shoulders she says...Anyone else been throught this? Anyone get better/worse? For once in her life she is being honest with me!

Hi ees: I think she may mean that as H & W stay married, "in love" turns to "love". Love is deeper so I see that as positive. Speaking from a WS point of view, I think your wife is looking for special treatment from you - the EN of affection perhaps. Have you two tried going on a "date" where you can rekindle that "in love" feeling. I know this worked for me. She is opening up to you so that's good too, but it must be hard to hear so much that's painful to you.

The more that I look at our relationship, the more that I gave up for her. I gave up sports, doing things for myself and staying busy outside of our house. I can't figure out how to do things for myself. Sounds stupid but I don't. It was hurry get home to see her and do things w/ her. Last night we saw each other for 15 minutes & she left and she didn't get home until well after midnight. I knew where she was but still it drove me crazy. She said that she was a baby for always needing me all the time. Lots of changes in the past 10 days and I am having a hard time dealing with them. I have to find things now to do after work w/o her. I don't know what to do anymore without her. Suggestions?The problem is the more we spend time apart the less we work on us. That can't be good. I guess I pushed her away a lot w/o giving her the touchyness that she needed but now I need it. I don't even get a kiss/ peck goodbye anymore.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by ees:
The more that I look at our relationship, the more that I gave up for her. I gave up sports, doing things for myself and staying busy outside of our house. I can't figure out how to do things for myself. Sounds stupid but I don't. It was hurry get home to see her and do things w/ her. Last night we saw each other for 15 minutes & she left and she didn't get home until well after midnight. I knew where she was but still it drove me crazy. She said that she was a baby for always needing me all the time. Lots of changes in the past 10 days and I am having a hard time dealing with them. I have to find things now to do after work w/o her. I don't know what to do anymore without her. Suggestions?The problem is the more we spend time apart the less we work on us. That can't be good. I guess I pushed her away a lot w/o giving her the touchyness that she needed but now I need it. I don't even get a kiss/ peck goodbye anymore.<hr /></blockquote>

ees: Some of what you say sounds familiar to what I did for a long time. Not taking care of my own needs to do things outside of the relationship. I can relate somewhat on the dependent/independent issue. I spent a long time doing things with H, then years doing things apart. Now I can say there must be a balance. Her need for time away seems like bad timing. I think she may be avoiding having to deal with your relationship. She's most likely feeling smothered with emotions - hers and yours. I think she's purposely pushing you away by going out til midnight. You've got to try to bring her back without her feeling threatened. What are her biggest EN's? Work on trying to fulfill those. I could see this same thing happening to my H if I told him about the A. Not good, but worse not to know. Also, I suggest you planning time for your own recreation - take up one of the sports you used to enjoy. That will help you no matter what happens to your M.

Sorry but I am laughing at what you say b/c my w said that she needed to get away b/c she was getting suffocated by me. I thought she was staying out late on purpose. I think she does not want to deal with the relationship b/c of all the issues. How long before she starts wanting to deal with things?
Her biggest en is not known b/c she will not talk about it. She won't talk about anything. I used to be the one who said "be patience, it will be fine". I don't want us to be pulled further apart than we are. Thanks for the advice..please keep it coming

I'm going to take a chance here and imagine what she might be thinking based on my own experiences. B/c you don't know her EN's I'm going to assume for a second that a big one is Affection. Not the touching/kissing part, but the "pay attention to me" part - try leaving her a nice note with some flowers in the house. Not a demanding I need you note or anything, just a nice "thinking of you" note with the flowers and leave her a favorite treat - chocolates or something you know she likes. Small jestures sometimes go a long way. This will not seem threatening to her at all. Have you also thought about doing something with her that you used to love doing together when you first met? Think about the passionate times you spent while dating and plan something, but not too complicated or time consuming as she really needs space right now. She's got to see you as supportive but not too weak (like you are needing her too much) or she'll run away. You're not into the Plan A thing are you? The A is over, right, but she's still depressed and thinking of him? I'm just trying to see where you as a couple are at right now.

You know that is a great idea. I will do something like that before I leave on business on Sunday. I will have to think about what we used to do that we both like. I know the things that she likes but I am real easy going.
I haven't read about the plan a or b. I need to do that.
No more A. or OM. I am sure she still thinks about him and is depressed. I don't hear anything about him or what she is thinking. She confines in her friends not me. That hurts but I guess we will have to rebuild.
My gut is that we are not a couple. We are two people living in the same house. That is why I am not going to suffocate anymore. The strange thing is I feel like I am doing all the work and she is just going along for the ride now. I thought about moving out but I will think about it for a few days.

I meant to ask what "weight" has been lifted? Because she told you she's not "in love" with you only that she "loves" you? Also, it's probably good that you are getting away for a few days. After all of this, I can't see why she told you about the A if she isn't willing to work on your M. Is it because she was already so emotionally distant from you that she had little to lose? Is there some indifference in this relationship that it didn't matter if you found out or not? I know that you've shown you care because of all the emotions you are going through. If she wants to make this work she's got to stop focusing on the past with the OM and get into the present. The EN's questionnaire is a great way to do that. It helped me tremendously. If I had completed it before, I wouldn't have had the A. My reason for not telling about the A are not because of financial repercussions. I love and care for my H more now than ever and am thankful I didn't pursue another rendezvous with the OM. The Radical Honesty approach explained in this site doesn't seem to work for most. Are we all that emotionally crippled?

The weight was the fact that she says she was never in love with me. She has been living a lie. I don't know of anyone that could lie for 8 yrs so I don't buy that. Her idea of in love is the feeling that you can't stop thinking about the other person and want to be w/ them. That is the feeling of someone "new". She said she never has had that w/ me. I guess that she had little to lose. I guess that I never took the time to look at us. But neither did she. What did she do to work on us? What did I do to work on us? She loves me as brother as she put it. We are more friends than lovers.

I am sad for you. If there was ever passion between you - if she can admit there was, then what developed from that was also real love and it can be rekindled again. I think she's just comparing you to the illusion that she built with the OM. There must have been a time where she was just crazy about you and you about her. I can't believe there is nothing. Keep trying.

ees,

I just want you to know that I was once in your wife's shoes. I felt like I was trapped in this unhappy marriage and I managed to convince myself that I was not "in-love" with my husband anymore and that he was not "in-love" with me either.
The truth is...I was allowing the devil to take over my marriage/ my family. Unfortunately our marriage did end in divorce. Two years later my ex and I are in the process of reconciling our marriage. We both did a lot of things to aid in our getting a divorce but we have both vowed to do whatever it takes to get our family back together.
I dearly hope it doesn't take your wife as long to realize that she made a mistake as it did me but just keep in your mind that "with God all things are possible."
I wish you and your wife the blessings of truth and forgiveness. You both will be in my prayers

Falcon

That is what gets me. She does love me. There are so many times that I think I am nuts (poor taste in words sorry). I was never the spiritual head of the house or my family. This is my wake up call. I/We have a whole lot to lose. It is going to be a struggle but it is people like you and others that help me be encouraged that it will be okay. I am not the person for mood swings but hearing these things gets me through the day. The emotional affair is over and I am trying to rebuild/be there for her. Any advice like Krissee gave about little things is much needed! Thanks again.

ees: I know you mentioned before that you were full of emotion when your W revealed the A to you (normal, of course). Do you think that maybe she's scared to talk to you again because of the anticipated reaction she may receive? This occurred to me last night and realized I hadn't mentioned it. The distance she's putting between you could be related to that. Maybe that's why she won't do the EN's quiz. She is discussing her situation with a friend and it would be better if it was you or you with a MC. Just a thought. Take care.

ees:

Wow! You sound exactly like me - she says "I'm not in love with you and never have been". My wife and I are going through this exact same thing after she had an EA with a mutual friend. I wish I could give you some advice, but I am in the same boat as you. Perhaps you can at least take comfort that you are not the only one going through this kind of thing.

J

ees: I'm wondering how you are doing. How is the doing the "little things" for your W working out? Are you able to get through to your W at all? If you need any more help or just someone to vent to let me know. I will try to help you.

Went to a marriage counselor last night for two hours. I knew my w issues from her past that she has stuffed away. I brought them up and she gave the uncomfortable, embarrassed & denial response. In my heart I know this is where the root of our problems come from. She has to get better before we can even consider us. In fact the counselor suggested that we don't come back until she gets help. I have to sit on my hands until she changes. If she changes she might not want me anymore. It is a very bad day in my life right now. I have to say I have never been through something like this and don't know how much more I can take. I feel like everything is going to depend on her & w/ her attitude now; there is no "us" and no chance for "us". Do I bail out, hang in, etc...I thought I was at the lowest point of my life but I think that the point keeps going down. I love her and think we might be able to work so that is what I am grasping on to..

ees, Falcon's post reminded me of why using divorce to bail out quickly is a bad choice. I forget who said this recently but s/he said that you have to EARN your divorce before you can move on with your life. Falcon and her xH did not earn their divorce and realized the mistake they made, but fortunately for them they are taking steps to reconcile.

You may have to emotionally detach (not withdraw) from your W. What do I mean by emotional detachment? Not to expect anything from her at this moment in time until she comes back to you with a firm committment to never contact the OM again, and be willing to follow a plan of marital recovery that includes counseling. Why would you possibly want to do this? because it will put you in control of your emotions instead of being controled by them and reacting to them. Choices based on emotions are much more likely to come back and haunt you later on. And you are less likely to have a good plan of action be sabotaged by them.

Why not consider a two year plan of action in which you do your best using the MB principles? Even if your M doesn't improve after the end of those two years and you finally reach the conclusion that divorce is now the best recourse, you will have learned a lot about relationships, and more importantly, you will have earned your divorce and be able to move on with your life hopefully to a better relationship down the road.

Please don't let your emotions get the best of you.

I am thankful for people like you. I have been letting my emotions get the better of me. Everything that I have been doing (just look at some of my responses that I posted). They change when the mood is good or bad. I have taken myself and detached from my wife. I am looking at this as a business decision. I finally got some help from my doctor which gives me a level head. Sad to say but I needed something. Too much of a rollcoaster.
My w. has serious issues that have been buried years before me. It is starting to show it's ugly head. The counselor is at a loss and thinks the issues are the problem. She has to work on her before we can focus on us. It is going to be a bumpy ride. She is taking some time to be by-her-self. No one else around. All I can do is let her go (there are definite hard ground rules in place). All of her friends say go but I will exhaust every resource in order to make sure she is better.

ees: I'm so sorry for this current outcome of your M. Please try to take care of yourself. Do some of the things you used to enjoy when you had time to yourself. Try spending time doing the sports you enjoy. They can be a great outlet for stress relief. Pamper yourself a bit. You certainly deserve it. Find some male friends to just do some "guy" things like watching football or playing football. Your wife will see your inner strength and even if she doesn't, you'll at least be taking care of yourself and that's good for anyone. Please also, hang in there. I agree with toomuchcoffeeman.

Well it has been a few days since I have said anything. She moved out on Friday am for 10-14 days to find out what she wants. Initially it was very hard b/c of my daughter. The strange thing is that she is the one calling me. I haven't called her once yet. She has cried saying she is sorry but I started thinking of this as a "business" decision, no emotions. I am working on me and doing great. I got some interesting news yesterday that she is miserable. I am starting to weigh the pros & cons of our relationship. A lot of cons at this point and not to many pros. I know that this is true b/c I have a bad experience at this point. I feel more confident, I am in better shape, I know that I will be better b/c of this, and I will not have a problem finding someone else (not that I want to).
She is coming to some very harsh realities. Being alone is the biggest I think & not knowing what I am doing or who I am w/. I am honestly stronger inside and out. I will make her earn the divorce if it comes to that & 10-14 days doesn't seem like enough time to decide for me but she thinks she can. I have great support throughout all of this from her family, friends, my family & everyone else. She didn't realize that no one would see her point of view and people are cutting off ties w/ her.

ees: Sounds like a lot of changes occurring right now in your life and you are handling things very well. It's good that you are taking care of yourself. I think she's going to realize she made a big mistake over all of these choices she made. You've also done everything you can up to this point. You really seem to have tried to reach out, tried MC and she's got the issues that need to be addressed. Good for you for trying to live your life as best you can under the current situation. Stick with your plan. Your have kept your dignity. I wish you well.

I can honestly say that I don't think I could of made it this far w/o all the help & encouragement that everyone has given me. I feel like a career change will help me too. I have been looking at all aspects of my life and there is alot to change. It is hard to say but have been doing my pro/con list of our relationship. I am definitely the giver in the relationship. I have been taken advantage of and the o.m. has assaulted me. Assault is the word that I have been looking for.

I remember when my third wife told me she didn't love me and she never loved me. It was so devestating, but looking back I can see it was one of the best things that could have happened to me. I was so in love with her that I was blind to the fact that she treated me like total crap. It's important to realize that all the pain you are feeling now is transitory. It will go away and when you look back at it eventually you might be like me and realize that it is the best thing that could have happened to you. She may be cheating with every man at her office or worse, and you are so in love with her that you can't see the signs. In my case, it was only looking back at it that I see all the signs that my wife was getting it from everything you can imagine.

Just my opinion.

G