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Starting Monday, August 9th, 2010, at 1:00pm Central Time, Marriage Builders� Radio will be live again with Dr. Bill and Joyce Harley every weekday. This means that they will be available to take your email or call and answer your questions.

First, email your questions to Joyce at jharley@marriagebuilders.com. Then, she will respond to you within a day by return email, and give you a toll-free number and specific time to call Dr. Harley directly during the show where he will answer your questions about marriage

Every caller whose question is asked on air will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses the question.

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Special Announcement: If you would like to hear Dr. Harley and his wife, Joyce, on a radio station in your community, let the station manager know about it's availability. For more information about the radio show contact Beth at 1-866-270-2031 or email beth@marriagebuilders.com.

Yes i would very much like to have Dr. Harley's advice weathe rit be on the radio or email. my personal e-mail is ********im not sure how you contac me regarding communication on this website, but im sure i will figure it out.

First, email your questions to Joyce at jharley@marriagebuilders.com. Then, she will respond to you within a day by return email, and give you a toll-free number and specific time to call Dr. Harley directly during the show where he will answer your questions about marriage

Four days ago I found out that my wife of 16 years had an affair with a coworker. I can not explane how I feel and the pain I am going through. I found your web site and started to deal with the issue and even set up an apointment with a marraige counsler.
My question is should I inform the spouce of the other man about her husbands affaire with my wife and should I tell our fanilies? My wifes family are well known in our town and so I am worried about hurting them if this gets out. My wife is totaly against telling her parents while I thought we should.

Dr. Harley read my email on the air on Thursday August 18th. I checked the archives, but could not find a copy of the show. Now I don't know what he said on the air. How can I find a rebroadcast of the program?

-------------------------------------
Me: BH, 39 (and no longer jobless)
Her: WW, 33
Married 5 years; first marriage for both of us
2 young kids (DD3 and DD1.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: Fall '09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice since May '10

August 18th was not a Thursday, so I'm not sure which day you're asking about. But start here: http://richwith.com/mb/radio/

BHHFSGuy -- Thanks. Thursday was the 19th.

There is still a problem. Joyce Harley sent me an email on the evening of Thursday the 19th that my topic had been discussed on air that day. However, no show for the 19th exists. Perhaps I should check the show that was recorded on that Thursday?

-------------------------------------
Me: BH, 39 (and no longer jobless)
Her: WW, 33
Married 5 years; first marriage for both of us
2 young kids (DD3 and DD1.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: Fall '09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice since May '10

The page is a bit confusing, but click on the one labeled "recorded Thursday" http://richwith.com/mb/radio/08-23-10/

BHHFS Guy,

A good show as always by Dr. Harley, but alas, my call was not on that one. Any other thoughts?

-------------------------------------
Me: BH, 39 (and no longer jobless)
Her: WW, 33
Married 5 years; first marriage for both of us
2 young kids (DD3 and DD1.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: Fall '09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice since May '10

Please help, I'm open to all logical opinions from anyone.

Dr. Harley,I'm asking for your help. My husband and I are currently separated and he filed for divorce and I answered in December of 2009. We had court ordered mediation April 4,2010, the mediator did not reach a mediation agreement between us, so our paperwork its sitting at the court house until one if us asks it to be placed on the calendar. I love my husband but I felt constantly disrespected by him with his relationships with other women. I would ask him to please stop calling his ex lovers to discuss out problems. If that wasn't enough he also befriended new women at the gym and at his place of employment in which he would call to discuss our problems. Both of these woman, he would speak on the phone to for hours. How do I know? Well I checked the phone bill. As my emotional supicions increased, I would question him about these calls. His responses to me included: I talk to who I want when I want, I'm not your child, none of your business and leave me alone. I was left feeling like a unloved, unappriciated, disrespected, emotionally abused wife. It affected our communication and intamacy. I tried to contact the other womam and ask them to cease and one of them had the audacity to tell me that she is going to continue relations with him. I again told him about this conversation. He curses me out but calls her to apologize for me calling her. He then switched his phone bill to his sisters house so I couldnt see it, which had me constantly checking his phone like an obsessive person. Each time I would check I became sick to my stomach at the amounts of communications to other woman. I just couldnt take it anymore. So I moved upstairs into another bedroom hoping to get his attention. He began to stay out later, call other women more, met another woman, and just plain rude around the house. He told me on several occassions to get out and let him get someone who could help him more financially because I was making intern pay. It got worse instead of better. I saw text messages to other women about how he can't wait to see them and conversations that lasted sometimes an hour and seventy_four mins. Another issue that I had was his steroid usage, it seemed to really bring out his anger more. One unforgetable incident was when he pulled a firearm on one of our former 19 year old former employees that came to help me move. My son stepped in between them and I in front of my son, but he was so enraged that he still did not lower the weapon. My father had to take him and the weapon to the side. My husband was arrested that night and blames me for asking that person and his two brothers to help me. We have had several physical alterations about information I found on his cell phone and information told to me by our employees. It made me wonder why was he with me if he treasured these other women so much. I felt like he just used me to get his business. He had been a security guard for twenty years and I had all the educational credentials to start a state security business. Toge ther, it should have been nice, but it wasn't. Although my name was the only nameon the license and I was his wife and former peace officer. He did not want, need, our appriciate my input. Not would he sit down and go over the bills with me. I felt shorted in every way. Now his side, he feels like I should be home waiting on him to get there when he gets off work not over a friends or at too many events. He is very old fashioned and likes to just stay at home. If my husband had a kitchen in our room, we probaly would never have seen him. I'm an extrovert, I love people , the outside, going places, and animals. He also feLt and still feels like I don't answer my cell phone right when he calls. He doesnt want me to socialize with a couple of my friends he doesn't like or talk to the others so much. When we apart from each other is my only opportunity to talk to my friends because I don't want to argue about something I shouldn't have said. Other issues he had is me assisting my teenage sons with their school paperwork, braiding their hair, or learning how to dance from them. He is 50 and I'm 39, I had three teenagers when he met me. We have a 6 year old daughter together, who is having severe issues with the seperation. I reside in my house previous to the marriage and I left him in our other home we have together. We have gone to two premarital counselors, tried to maker it work for 6 more months, got new cell numbers (at his request) and began marriage counseling again. Things were fine for a while until I checked the phone bill again for reassurance. Thats when I learned he was still calling a certain women he met on the property that he was securing with our business license. Since I moved out, our business was in only my name, Issues kept arising at work with disbruntaled employees, we were not speaking, he was not supporting my daughter and I finacially, I did what I thought I had to do. I felt used and abused and proceeded to close our business. He continued to work knowing I didnt renew the liscence another 6 months. I wrotehimand them a cease and desist letter, he was terminated and filed a law suit on breach on contract. He still blames me today for his finacial downfall and for taking away his dream of having his business. The CEO contacted me about the suit ,we had a meeting in which I saw several infractions comitted by employees of ours but the most of them were on my husband and his improper relationships with tenats on the property. This information included pictures with dates and times. I write a letter as CEO to counter any law suit. Later that afternoon I was invited out to dinner by the CEO. Although we were seperated and my husband moved on before I left the house, I Initially declined his dinner invite. I went by our home to talk with my husband again, and to make sure he was feeding our 13 animals, he had one of the females he met from the property there. One of the one s who I begged him to stop talking too. So I revengfully knocked on the door and told him about the invite and that night I went out with his boss that began a lovely courtship. I was finally treated the way I felt I was to be treated. I didn't feel I was wrong at the time because of all the women issues I had while we were in the same house. He told me how hurt he was about this, but that same hurt was what he did to me for two years. On top of feeling like I had to wall on eggs shells, select my words, and avoid talking to or seeing my friends just to make him happy. Now within the last month, we are actually talking to each other without arguing. We finally had more than an hour conversation on the phone. But just when I start feeling like maybe I should give it another chance, I learn of his facebook page with two ex wives, and two ex lovers being friends. I'm livid because my face book page has us portrayed as a happy family. He just added me today, but I feel his ex people have no business on his page. Especially the two adultress woman. He still feels like there's nothing wrong with him talking to other women about our issues, including his sisters who are close to his ex wife. That same ex wife that still has her 16by20 wedding picture of them up on her wall. The same ex wife that he left four times. Sometimes for months and sometimes for years like a revolving door. The same one he was married to when we began dating but was seperated from and staying over his sisters house to think things through. So I was told by his sister. Lastly, I believe that we can both be changed with Gods help. He doesn't seem to want to pray or go to God together. Is this possible with only one praying partner and worshiper?How do we recover from all of this? We have 5 young adults between the two of us and our daughter. He and my 17yearold son fought when he tried to whip him and my son had to leave to live with his father, but I stood by my husband even though I didn't agree. We got past this, but can't seem to make it past the women issue. Today we are going somewhere together as a couple. I don't know how that's going to go, but I do know I'm confused already. Part of me feels like I have been delivered from an abusive relationship and the other half feels like we didnt give it 100%because of outside influences. Please help me. I don't care if you post this, if it helps someone else. Please help me...

Dt.Harley ,to help Melanie truly you need to know some additional information.. The lovely courtship Melanie speaks of from her boss ,turned out to be a nightmare in the making.This guy was also married and to Melanies knowlege, to where he later became arrested and is currently in jail for raping and sodomizing his wife.Melanie is well aware of this and is still romantasising that wrong relationship, by still saying "it was a lovely courship". Melanie has a history of not ending one relationship before starting another.You may wonder who I am, I am a guy who she began a relationship with, since her relatonship with her husbands boss.She was getting ready to end our courtship because of the physical and financial benefits, she had being with her husbands boss. I tried to tell her that no mater what her husband did to her, she was wrong for fooling around with his boss. She asked me in the begining,to be serious about our relationship, to find out she has never been serious.She is very very confused.But if she ever needs and wants peace in that or any other relationship, she has to be accountable for her actions.And if anyone does her wrong, she can hold her head up high,knowing she is guilt free. I tried to explain to her treat people how she would like to be treated.For some reason she dont understand that concept.

Melanie & jamjay,

Please note the top post on this forum. You will not receive a reply from Dr Harley by posting your info on this thread.

To have your situation addressed on the MarriageBuilders radio program, please email jharley@marriagebuilders.com

I have tried multiple times to listen to the live show and the rebroadcast show. My player says it's buffering but never actually plays, and keeps restarting the buffering. Any help on how I can fix this?

What I do when it buffers is click on the stop button, let it stop, and then hit play again. That usually works.

Just a heads-up, if you send your email early enough in the morning to jharley@marriagebuilders.com, you usually make that day's show with your question! I've done this three times now, and each time they've had me on the show or read my question on the show that day.

You should keep your email short and sweet. "My husband is having an affair. What's my first step?", "How do I overcome feelings of resentment for my spouse's actions during the affair?", or "What is Contrast Effect?"

This is an AMAZING resource, guys. Email Joyce and get on the show! Having Dr. Harley's expertise counseling you is totally worth appearing in "public". I say I'm "Mike in Utah", and that's not my real name. If you have a question, just do it!

Wow, DNM, that's great! I saw you had a question yesterday; looking forward to hearing it soon. Do you have dates for all three shows you've been on?

Hmm, I think I have them written down in my thread on the "In Recovery" forum. But not all.

You can also listen and download whole show archives on oneplace.com

I'm a 26 year old single girl but I have been in two long realationships (both lasted over 2 1/2 years). But they both ended because of me looking to fullfill my needs elsewhere. I have identified my needs as follows:

1. Physical attractivness.
2. Recreational companionship.
3. Sexual fulfillment.
4. Affection.
5. Admiration.

I wanted to know if I can somehow convince myself to want more of the other needs. Like conversation, and honesty and openess. I know that you say that no one need is "better" or more "important" that others, but I feel like my needs just get me into trouble. I have basically the same most imporation needs as men have which leads to problems.I don't want to be a person who cheats on men. They don't deserve it. It makes me feel gulity. And one day I want to have a good husband and marriage . Until I started reading your work, I just thought that I was immature, I was irresitably drawn to men that were filling my above-mentioned needs and I was powerless to stop myself with them. I thought that I would never be able to have a stable relationship or marriage. But now I realize that when a guy comes along with the above mentioned attributions I should be aware that they will be making large love bank deposits and that if I'm already in a realtionship I should stay away from them. Though I am still curious...can you willingly change your emotional needs? Is it something you are preprogramed with? And if so, how come I have the more male typed emotional needs? When I read your colums about women not wanting to be intimate with their husbands or to partake in recreation with their spouse it blows my mind. Any opinions on this would be great. Thanks!

Dwat,

Welcome to MB.

You won't get answers to this question on this thread. Since you are not yet married, I suggest you start your own thread in the forum MB 101, which is the most appropriate forum for you. Copy and paste your question to your new thread.

Dwat, your emotional needs just ARE. And there is no reason to change them. The solution is to date alot of people and marry the one who does the BEST job of meeting your needs. Date as many people as possible. If you are looking to get your needs met elsewhere, that is an indication that you are with someone who is not doing the best job of meeting your needs and an indication that he is not the best candidate.


Allowing men to meet your needs when it is inappropriate means you have a lack of boundaries. And yes, you most certainly do have the power to stop it. If not, then YOU are not marriage material.

Also, you should click notify and ask the moderators to move your post to its own thread over on the MarriageBuilders 101 forum. This is in the announcement forum and no one will see it here.

Im new here, where do I post a question about spying gadgets? Thank you

Hi Eleonor! Scroll farther down - there is a link to a forum called Operation Investigate. You may find the answer to your question there.

How long is the turn around time right now? I sent in a question over a week ago...

It might have been lost or misplaced in the chaos of the crashes. Remember, there was one for a day last week as well as the two days this week.

I suggest you send it again.

M'kay, thanks for your tip. I wasn't aware of the crash last week but the past two days have had me checking a few times a day to see if you guys were back yet. I appreciate your help.

PHOEN1X, check your spam folder/filter to see if you got a response and didn't see it.

Also, consider emailing the Harleys from a different email account from a different provider (like, say, gmail, or Yahoo) just in case for some reason they can't receive email from your email provider for some reason.

Let us know if you still can't seem to get through.

Phoenix, they might have answered your email today. Todays show:

Many emails are answered today.
Thursday, March 10, 2011

here: click here

yess Ok Thankss For You!

For the sake of confusion, I will put a month next to each event in an attempt to be chronologically correct. I cheated on my wife approx. two years ago. FEBUARY:It started off as chating on the computer, and slowly developed into friends, MAY:then we met and had sex.It was not so enchanting to me. It wasn't good sex at all. It was dark, in a parking lot, and I am tall so it really seemed awkward if I remember correctly. After that things changed. I felt horrible but continued talking the other woman because I beleived she was a good person and I felt as though I had led her on. She sent me pictures of herself and made it obvious she wanted me. However I did not reciprocate pictures or any idea that I loved her. MAY:On the heels of that, I found myself in another friendship. This one was way different. I tried to help this woman and her marraige problems via email and texting and she fell for me somehow. She asked to meet and I said no several times. She would call and leave a message crying saying she wanted to leave him, needed to tell him we had been talking. I did not want that. My wife and I have three kids, and I love her more than anything on earth.I didn't want to lose her or the kids and didn't want it to come out. I didn't call the second womans bluff, rather I gave in and met her. JULY:She made advances towards me very aggressively. I eventually gave in, and it really sucked to. It didn't last but maybe 1 minute, I stopped it and said I can't. So my hole became deeper with this woman.She pursued me bigtime. Meanwhile at home....we had been living with the person I respected most ...my father. He had turned into an alcoholic and I was scarred badly by the things he said and did. I was caught between my wife, my dad...hearing it from both sides constantly. No matter how bad he got...my dear wife stuck by me. We bought the place I grew up at from him, he had nowhere to go, and we were to save for a couple years and build on the property. JULY:Right at the time these two affairs were going on, we got the go ahead to build...a very stressful process, I had been laid off after 11 years at a great place to work. It was union so there was nothing I could do about it. My wifes job was going great, she had started an exercise/diet program and lost a lot of weight...she looked so good. MAY:Also, my grandfather whom I was very close to passed away. I think its safe to say I was an anxious/stressed out mess....no excuses though. I continued talking to the first woman, trying to appease her into letting it taper off into nothing. I also continued talking to the second woman, this one I was very scared of. She constantly talked like she had to tell the truth to her hubby. I would try to calm her down, refuse more meetings, and occasionally I would succeed I thought in letting her off easy and quietly. Only to see a couple days later she would call and give me another message saying she loved me and needed to tell. One night she told me she was at a hotel, and for me to come over. I was at work and said no way. She talked of suicide and craziness. At about 1 in the morning, I stopped hearing from her for two hours. I didn't think she just fell asleep...I thought worse. So sucker me went to the hotel, she was fine and waiting and said I knew you would come. Stupid me didn't leave. I got this dumb idea that if I let her advance on me, and didn't get an erection...she would get mad or take the hint that it aint gonna happen. So I sat there in the chair and let her do her thing, no erection....mission accomplished right? Not so much....it was a back and forth thing up until one day I left my email open...and my wife...my awesome wife...found it. NOV: she was so upset. she called and confronted the woman and the other woman said it was just friends. She told the other woman no more. I felt like a million bucks. IT WAS OVER! However my wife didn't let it go, and in the insuing days she beat the crap outta me...I let her...and was so hurt. I felt the need to come clean with the second woman and the whole story...so I did. It was horrible. About two weeks later, when my wife was digging to get all information and didn't believe she had the whole truth...she found my second email...hacked into it...and the first woman was now exposed. A bunch of pictures she saw...not good. I hurt her so bad. I felt so bad. She asked me to leave, I did. One hour later she called and asked me to come back to the house. We chatted on the couch and she wanted to know if I loved her. I told her absolutely and I would do anything to keep her. She asked I make love to her right then.

We went to counseling for a year. It really seemed to help. It helped me deal with guilt, my father, etc. It seemed to help her too as she was doing better each week. I did everything I could to show her I loved her. I did not leave the house hardly ever unless she said, got a home phone so she knew I was at home when she was at work. We had to see the other women here and there in town and that was never good. However because of a total of 9 kids being involved in the whole mess we never went public with it all.

May of this year: She seemed so happy, atleast I thought. I thought we were in the clear and heading towards the promised land....not. One moring on the way to work she called me at home and said she wanted space. WHAT? WHY? I had done everything to fight for her, and now, all of the sudden she wants space almost two years later? I was devastated, but agreed. I was suspicious though of foul play...remember I had been there...I checked the phone usage on the computer...sure enough...for a couple of weeks she had been talking to someone. I confronted her and she said oh thats our daughters boyfriends dad.We been talking about the kids blah blah. I said ok. We preceeded with space. I was so tore I could make it through a night of work that night, I called him and he wouldn't answer my calls or texts. Something wasn't right. I went to the house, slept in the basement, woke her up the next morning and said out with it. She admitted it was inappropriate, and she had met him before work, and kissed him. I did not blow up. I gave her advice on what is real and isn't real. That I had been there and got sucked in to the thrill of the new, away from depression and stress. She told me that she had contacted him last night, and said they were through. Then we agreed to try hard to work through this, and give it another month or so to see which direction things were going. After a couple of days...and her acting happy...she said she needed space, and that she hadn't been happy since this all happened. That she thought time would help her forget. That I had wounded her so deeply she doesn't know if she can look at me in the same manner. She loves me, but not sure she is in love with me. I have been checking the phone records and she has not contacted the other person. She could do so from work, but not likely as they monitor personal calls fairly close. We seeked counsel from our pastor and his wife, they both suggested she needed time away to get some clarity. As in does she miss me? Does she want to continue to work at the issues that lie ahead...or is she cooked. She was depressed pretty badly for almost a year and a half. She says she isn't anymore but I wonder with all of the reckless choices that are not like her at all. I realize I am not the victim here. I wish I could take it all back but I can't. We told the kids she a seminar in another state and will be gone for almost a week. She is staying at her gmas house and will be seeking counsel on how to come to clarity from the preacher and his wife. We agreed it best she not contact me, but call the kids before bed everynight and us not talk or text. It has been one day, I feel like I am gonna die. If not for the kids I think I would take my own life but I never would do that to them. I am so anxious waiting her conclusions. I can't eat, sleep, feel horribly guilty when looking in the kids eyes. When I cheated, I fought very hard for her. When she did, she questioned our love. I feel like I have been so overly loving towards her or something that it has pushed her away. When she left she slightly hugged me and out the door she went with her suitcase. I am so scared. I did tell her that if she comes back to me and wants to work on this that I have some trust issues that will need resolved. She said she completely understands, and that she has been there. But really didn't show much sympathy. She claimed she didn't know why she did it, and that it was stupid. She said she was sorry, and felt bad, and maybe did it to repay me. So I am waiting for an answer in agony...getting what I probably deserve for what I have done.

A side note: I don't remember a lot that happened with the first woman. The things I do remember are like I am watching myself do it on tv, I am not attached whatsoever emotionally. I cant remember the things I did or even said in many instances. The ones I do, like I said, its like Im watching it on tv, standing close by, not the one doing it.?????

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I would suggest you cut this post back to about 3 paragraphs and start up a thread in the surviving an affair forum. This is just the announcements forum so you won't get any responses here.