Marriage Builders®
Posted By: brett unfortunate newcomer - 03/15/02 09:42 PM
It has been six weeks since I found out about W's A. Since that time I have visited this site several times to help me make sense of this mess. From many of the responses, it sounds like what I'm going through is fairly normal, but I have decided to post an entry and hopefully get some affirmation. Apparently, W's A started about 8 months ago. I will not go into the details of why I believe she betrayed me, because for the purpose of this message it really isn't relevant. Suffice it to say for many of our 17 year marriage, particularly the past couple I was not meeting here EN.

She has decided to try and make our marriage work and is no longer in contact with OM. We have started seeing a counselor, which is helping us both understand why this happened. Currently, we are both working very hard at jump starting our relationship and strengthening the marriage. We are probably more in love with each other now than we ever have been. However, we both have huge fears of what the future will bring. She fears I will return to the way I was prior to the A not meeting her EN. I am trying to reassure her that I realize my previous shortcomings and have changed and the change is sincere and will last. My fear is despite all the effort I put into meeting her EN and make the marriage work, it wont be enough and she will return to OM. Any suggestion on how we work through this?

That's the first part. Part 2 deals with my recovery or lack of. Even though we have a very strong relationship right now, I can't get over the pain, hurt and resentment of what she did. I find myself constantly thinking about them together and her loving OM both physically and emotionally. Whenever, I talk to her about it, it makes her very uncomfortable. She has been open and honest and told me most of the details of the A (probably more than I needed to know). Therefore, I don't see it as being very constructive to keep on bringing up the past which stirs negative feelings in both of us. On the other hand, if I keep holding it in, I'm afraid it's going to eat me up. I haven't slept for more than a couple of hours since I found out and its affecting my performance at work and my relationship with our daughter (she knows about the A).From reading several of the other posts, it sounds like these feelings may continue for a year or two. I don't know if I can cope with that. Are there any ways to block out the negative thoughts and just move forward? Any feedback would be much appreciated

Posted By: divadown Re: unfortunate newcomer - 04/09/09 06:37 AM

I'm a list writer, in fact I found a letter from camp last night I wrote at age 11 and my comments were numbered! What if you describe your anger feelings in writing as a means to deconstruct them? Not debate if they are legitimate or second guess yourself. What does it feel like? Just the feelings, not replaying the facts in your head again. The happy ending is not linear.

I agree that anger festers. High five for recognizing a bottleneck before it explodes and derails progress. You can't artificially continue a second honeymoon, keep a smiley face who kisses bye bye and dismiss your feelings. The question is whether you diffuse this on your own or if you expect her to help you get through it. What do you need her to do? Write it down and tell her. You need validation and she needs hear it was not alright.

What have you done in your life to resolve strong inner conflict successfully at work or with other family members other than wait it out? You get to choose how to manage these feelings but the underlying hurt discussion and validation can't happen if you are screaming. That's be step 2.

How about writing about it in a journal? By yourself. You can't sunami your next counseling appointment and undermine the recommitment and progress with the counselor while wife appears shocked and embaraassed. I hear you saying you need to deal with this NOW.

The last piece of advice may sound ridiculous but I did it by accident, and its become my trademark. I congratulate myself for getting through this day out loud in the mirror, not measuring how well I handled things or how good/horrible I feel or question how I should feel. I tap the counter 3 times to punctuate the moment. It helps me celebrate a daily milestone. Then I write.

For me, new symbols or rituals always give me solice, a concrete ok, one minute of no swirling durbish. What I found was that this ritual became a habit I could rely upon, not caught up in religion or deep thought or needing to express how you got here. Tap, tap, tap. I started to look forward to it.

Remember, you own the feelings and are looking at new ways to redefine your next chapter. Hope that helps.

Divadown
Posted By: Aphaeresis Re: unfortunate newcomer - 12/06/09 05:24 PM
brett,

Focus on meeting each other's emotional needs (while avoiding love busters, things you shouldn't do), spending time alone together, and doing things that make each other happy when you're both together and you'll get through it. We all build up associations, just like Pavlov's dogs. If you are happy when you are together you'll associate being together with being happy. You won't forget what happened but newer, happier memories with your wife will eventually become more important.

Although most betrayed spouses on this site seem to want to talk about what happened and want to know every little detail, not everyone is wired that way. My husband didn't want to know any details of what I did, and the last thing he wanted to do was talk about it. We've spent very little time talking about it at all, but it's been two years and we're very happy together now. So if you don't want to talk about it, then don't. The most important thing is that you learn to fall in love again with each other.

Of course it's also important that your wife not repeat any behavior that might lead her down the wrong path again - so if you see any of that, then you'll need to talk about it. But otherwise, just focus on rebuilding the love.
Posted By: Hope2000 Re: unfortunate newcomer - 12/11/09 03:29 AM
Some how this seems like normal behavior in today's world as infidelity is on the rise. Seeing your post tells me this happen many years and I hope you have overcome this and able to enjoy each other.
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