Telling children of affair & their half-sibling

I usually post on the OC board, but I thought this might be a good place to raise this issue.
My husband had an affair 10 years ago. It lasted 18 mos more or less. He never moved out, we talked of divorce, but decided to make our marriage better. to the best of our knowledge, our children do not know he had been involved with another, much younger woman (she was 23 and he was 38) she is/was 8 years older than our oldest son. She gave birth to their child after he had ended it. The child was also born 4 mos after our youngest child. (He feels she got pregnant on purpose after learning I was pg and he was not going to leave me for her.
The children are now 25, 24, 20, 14 and 8; the OC is also 8. If you were one of these children when would you want to learn of dad's affair and of your half-sibling? Would you want to know? Is waiting until the OC shows up on our doorstep the best answer, praying she doesn't ever come until she is 18, if ever? My husband wants to wait until they are all adults or until the OC contacts him and wants to meet our children.
He does pay child support, but has had no contact. He wishes the OW would get married and her husband would want to adopt the child, but I do not think that is going to happen.
Anyone have any thoughts about this? I would appreciate anything constructive.

chances are the older ones already suspect that their father had an affair. normally i would think it would be better not to bring it up with your children unless they ask (but not that i would ever suggest denying it to your kids because they don't like being lied to any more than we do).
with another child involved i think most children would want to know that they have a brother or sister somewhere. it is very likely that they will eventually find out even if you don't tell them. in my experience things like this have a way of coming out. i found out about extra uncles i had because they showed up to my grandfather's funeral. that is NOT the way they are going to want to find out.

Thank you for responding. I worry that she will just show up in their lives, but my H, her father refuses to reveal her existance. So I just bide my time. There is no easy way or good way to handle this situation. I just pray that when it happens we will be able to help our children deal with learning, as he says, their father has feet of clay.

Hi Everyone,
I'm new here and I have half-siblings from a prolonged affair that my dad was involved in.I found out as a teen in a roundabout way,during his birthday party they called him dad.I asked my mom about this and she told me that my dad made a bad mistake,but that she had forgiven him.I asked her why she forgave him she said"Promises you make,You KEEP!I felt forgiveness for him also, though I love him dearly I did lose almost all respect for him.On the other hand I respect NO ONE more than my mom.If I can be of any help answering questions feel free to ask.

I too found out about my half sister when I was about 15. I as looking for my own birth certificate and found hers, though why dad had it I can't imagine. I asked a few querstions and got very waffly answers that tried to hide the fact. i guessed that there was more than I was told but didn't ask any more. When i was 17 the whoole thing came out cos dads OW of tyhe day told us. he had been mnarried and divorced before he met my mum so there was no affair then but he had 5 while married to my mum. the last one spilt them up and thats when OW told us children that dad wanted to find his missing d. this never happened and was OW trying to put blame on my mum. My own feelings even at that age was hurt at my dad for not having told us and respect for my mum- she had apid the child support over for years. In my opinion there is no 'right ' time but it does generally leak out eventually. I have never met my half sister and have no idea if she isaware of me and my siblings.
Jante

Thanks again for responding. I have truly wondered how the children responded at any age. I think it would be easier growing up with that knowledge, but it is harder to explain, if it is ever easy to explain. I want to tell my kids, but my H does not, and the counselor said it is his secret to share not mine. Since the youngest child is the OC, I guess we have some time.
Thanks again especially for sharing your personal experiences. Jante I am sorry you are going thru the same pain of dealing with H's affair and the fall out. Take care of yourself during this time.Texasgirl.

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by Texasgirl:
I usually post on the OC board, but I thought this might be a good place to raise this issue.
My husband had an affair 10 years ago. It lasted 18 mos more or less. He never moved out, we talked of divorce, but decided to make our marriage better. to the best of our knowledge, our children do not know he had been involved with another, much younger woman (she was 23 and he was 38) she is/was 8 years older than our oldest son. She gave birth to their child after he had ended it. The child was also born 4 mos after our youngest child. (He feels she got pregnant on purpose after learning I was pg and he was not going to leave me for her.
The children are now 25, 24, 20, 14 and 8; the OC is also 8. If you were one of these children when would you want to learn of dad's affair and of your half-sibling? Would you want to know? Is waiting until the OC shows up on our doorstep the best answer, praying she doesn't ever come until she is 18, if ever? My husband wants to wait until they are all adults or until the OC contacts him and wants to meet our children.
He does pay child support, but has had no contact. He wishes the OW would get married and her husband would want to adopt the child, but I do not think that is going to happen.
Anyone have any thoughts about this? I would appreciate anything constructive.<hr></blockquote>

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by ragedy:
[QB][/QB]<hr></blockquote>
My first time here sorry to mess up already.
Interesting enough I am 34 years old and just last Tuesday learned of a half brother who is 38years old. I think children should know half brothers and or sisters. I think my Dad is the most selfish person on earth for not telling his other children, 6 children in all. At some point adults need to take responsibility and be adults. Children know what they live and if you live not knowing I just think you are missing out on great things.

A year ago, I was TOTALLY AGAINST my children knowing. My daughters were 16 and 13. But after hearing all the horror stories on the OC board I did not want ANYBODY having ANYTHING to threaten me with. I sat my girls down and told them of the father's A. I also told them that at first I didn't want to tell them at all. My oldest daughter told me that if someone other than her father or me would have told her of OC she would have been very upset with us. She said, just as I didn't like being lied to neither does she. Children know more than we think and they adjust better than adults. I don't regret telling my children because they have adjusted because nothing has changed for them. Their dad and I are still together and although I am still having a hard time post A they are not. The best part is the OW has nothing to threaten us with.Good luck with your decision.

lemonpie, I am in your situation as well.Do you have contact with OC and does OC live anywhere near you?

Unhappy,No I don't have contact with OC, but I don't know if my H does or not. You see, we don't talk about it. Not because I don't want to but he doesn't. The OW and OC live approx. 8-10 blocks away. The OW worked with him. I am having a very difficult time even though it has been almost a year of my discovery. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder if he is still seeing her or the OC. My situation is hard to deal with because my H never stayed out all night nor did he come home unusually late from work, nor did he hang out on the weekends. AND I didn't think we had a problem. We didn't argue excessively. We never argued over money. Not that our relationship was perfect, I just didn't think it was in danger of an A. So even thought he is home every night and don't hang out and tells me he loves me (which he has and still does every single morning) I don't believe him. It has been very hard on me. I an emotionally f***-up over this A. I will tell you this, I am certainly not as strong as I use to me. This A has left me weak and lonely. I cry often but I am still with my H. I don't know what the future holds. Sorry to make this so long. If you want to e-mail me, I don't mind. Good luck with your decision.

One more thing, I can honestly say,I have not regreted the day I told my girls. It has made our relationship stronger and now they understand when mommy is action as if she is on an emotional roller coaster. They know its not because of them.

Thanks again for responding. HOw did your H react when YOU told the children of His misdeeds and HIS child? The counselor said it was his choice to make when and if the children were to be told. He has told me he doesn't feel anything good would come of it. Since we pay child support but have no contact I have accepted his decision, but the children are now 8 yrs old, (his dau and our son). So she has to be asking about him. We received a letter, part of it was a love letter to him, in which the OW described the child talking about parts of her body she got from Mommy and Daddy. I was furious about the love letter part, and saddened about this child who talks about a Daddy she has never known nor will meet as child. Some days I still wonder if we shouldn't pursure contact especially now that she is in school and semi-independent of her mother.
Well just my thoughts
TG

texas, sorry it has taken me so long to respond. My H was FURIOUS with me for telling my girls. He told me I was hateful and selfish and I just wanted his children to see him as evil. He ranted on for almost an 1/2 hour.

I just looked at him with disgust. I told him I could not and will not lie about something so important to my children. I told him the difference between him and I is that I don't want the OW or OC ever having any power over me. My OW can't threaten me, the only people I wanted to protect were my children. Now that they know, I could care less who she tells. I just didn't want people snickering or approaching my children and they didn't know. I also told him that secrets don't stay hidden, he should know this by now.

I don't agree with counselors when they say the WS decision. Lets face it, the WS does not have good judgement as is evident with the A.

Good Luck

Thanks for responding. I am going to tell my children and deal with the fall out. Like I said on your other post on OC board, my husband's feelings were:
1. I just want to forget my stupidity.
2. She had oc, she can keep her and raise her.
3. She got pregnant just to force me to leave my family. She gambled and lost.
4. I do not want my children to see I have feet of clay.
5. since we live so far away, to see OC will take away from our children and I do not want to do that. (We live in TX, OC/OW live in NC.)
6. Didn't want friends and family to know he was so dishonorable.
I think that covers everything he shared with me concerning his affair and the OC.
I don't think your husband has the same feelings. Having read the other posts concerning OC/OW, I know I have been lucky conerning the OC situation. I also give her credit that she has not tried to force the issue.
Well enough from me.
Again thanks to all for responding.

mindblowing. I am not sure what advice to give you. I haven't reached that bridge yet. I would talk with a child psychologist first. This is going to shatter your childrens view of marriage. I have made my WH promise to have this talk with our children when they are in late teens to twenties. I do not have a child waiting to pop up at any time. My hope is that he will show them that this was the hugest mistake in the world. Your kids may see it as a sign that daddy didn't love them enough. Of course OW got pregnant on purpose. It was her hope to hang on to your H. I am glad that he is paying child support. Good luck with this difficult decision. Stephanie

Thanks for input. It's funny, I want to tell them. I want no lies between us, yet when I think of how they will react, exp my girls, then I back off. I want to find the "best time" yet there is no right time to do this. I don't want to ruin a trip home for them, but I feel they should know before "up jumps the devil".
I worry that telling my 20 year old now she will blow her college semester. The two boys will take it in stride. My 14 yearold will take it hard.

Well have to go, trying to get ready to move.

Thanks, TG

I guess that I have been the typical, reactionary, hot-headed man in my situation. Usually I can keep my cool, but I didn't in this instance. I've posted on the "Just Found Out..." and "Pregnancy/Child..." boards. Found out a month ago that my wife is pregnant from OM while I have been outside the country. I found out while I was back home in the US, and told my 5 year old daughter that night, without my wife's knowledge. I told her the next day, and she blew up, rightly so. Since then, we've made joint decisions about everything, as it should be.

I was wrong, and I know that. My daughter, though, understood what I was saying, although not the full implications of it. She knows now that she will have a little brother or little sister. She has no idea that I'm having an extremely difficult time with this. If the child comes out very, very dark (see my other posts), then she'll probably have questions becuase of her lack of understanding. In the end, though, I think she'll recover much better than either my W or I. I hope so, at least.

Once the OC is older, I'm sure we'll tell the OC. Not sure what age is appropriate. My W said it's important in case the OC wants to find their biological father. I don't ride fences, though, and that will be a killer for me if/when that happens. It's hard enough for me to commit to raising OM's child, let alone watching OC run off some day to find OM!

As everyone has said, there are some things we can't control. It's difficult, but I know that we have to trust in God.

I think if the man can accept the child and raise it, the situation is easier. The OC is incorporated into the original family. If you can look at like you adopted a child, then explain it like you would to an adopted child.
You are not the biological father, but you love the child as your child regardless. Then give the child the love a child deserves then the child will love you back. One day he/she will want to look up that person who gave him/her life, but will still see you as "Daddy" because being a father inolves more than creating a child biologically. You have heard the sayings about creating a child, but involvement makes a daddy. You may not have been the father, but you have the chance to be the daddy which could be so much more. Be there at the baby's birth and bond with that baby. Love the baby and the baby's mother and all else will be come secondary as your marriage grows in your love for your wife and children.
Sometimes I wish we could have incorporated the OC permanently into our lives. But the OW would not consider giving her up to us. But that's water under the dam and another story.
My H was in the Military too, and I know how hard those separations are. WE never had an extended time apart of more than 4 mos. Good luck with your decisions considering your marriage and the OC.

Texasgirl