Marriage Builders®
Posted By: shocked1 Advice Needed-COM & H's A & OC - 08/22/08 03:18 PM
I don't ever want to tell my COM of my H's A and the OC that has come from it. I know this stance is unrealistic because I know it will have to be dealt with I just hope I can protect my COM from it until they are of an age in which they deal with the news in a mature manner and have the ability to deal with their emotions maturely.

I know kids can be resilient but this is devastating news for any child that adores their father to no end and I fear that once told they will hate their father and or hate me for not being honest with them earlier and think less of me for staying for their sake. I do not want to impact their world in such way that they become rebellious and the last thing I need is to raise two raise rebellious boys that act out and think that is okay to repeat the same mistakes that their father has. Children have enough to deal with in regards to their own development and I feel they do not need something like this to add to it.

Currently my H and I have decided to work on our marriage for our kids sake but there cannot be any contact with OW or OC until I approve it if I ever do . OC is not to be integrated into our family ( immediate or extended)at any time . I do not care if she is 30 yrs old. H struggles with this but has agreed to it in the best interest of our family especially since the OW intentionally got pregnant(she told me this herself). We both know that it is more than likely that the OW or the OC will try to make contact with H because the OC will eventually ask who is her father and where did she come from? How do you handle this? Especially since the OW states that she is treating this as if she is a donor child that came from a donor family. We already know that she does not have it all upstairs to even bring a child into this world under these circumstances and the feelings of rejection the OC will be subjected to. I hope she realizes that and does all she can to deter her and the OC from contacting because she will be turned away.

To give you and example of how strongly I feel about this I told my husband that if he died ...I would take care of all the arrangements privately and tell family and others about it after he has been cremated or buried just to avoid having a funeral and having OC show up and having to explain this to extended family and my children. I also told him if our boys ever got married and OC wanted to or if they wanted there I would not participate. OW & OC have infringed on my life enough I do not need or want it to happen again.

I also know that when COM are told they will be told by their father and it will be the absolute truth. I will not let him try to soften the blow. They will know how affected everyone involved. The same will go for OC if she shows up on my doorstep one day. So if OW does not want OC to know what her existence means to me and my family she needs to keep her away.

Furthermore...I struggle with my decison also not disclose because I am not a liar and I do not hide the truth from the people I love and this make me feel like such a hipacrit (sp?) and goes against my belief that you treat other they you want to be treated and in trying to instill good moral values about honesty with my children if I cannot be totally honest with them. I should be able to lead by example and this does not allow me to do that.

So I ask how do you handle this? What can I expect? When is a good time to disclose? Would be nice to hear from or about other COM that have dealt with this devastating situation.
Posted By: HisWifeof20 Re: Advice Needed-COM & H's A & OC - 08/31/08 09:51 PM
Hi Shocked1...that could have been my username 9yrs ago. I am new here and not in the best emotional place as it pertains to marriage so I won't even touch that subject. But as it relate to your COM I completely remember how you feel even though I don't share those feelings today.

It is natural to be angry, and resentful of OC's existences. I understand the shame and humiliation of others knowing this secret especially if you have decided to stay. I think as I grew in my situation I had to accept a few fact in order to keep from dying a slow painful death:

#1 No matter how hard I wished, prayed, bargained, blamed or denied...I couldn't undo what had been done to my life.

#2 I did not have to accept the child or the infertility but I did have to accept that it happened.

#3 That if I covered up what had happened and force my selfish(not meant as negative -just that it was about me) needs on WH & COM I have become part of their world.

When I made the decision to work on my marriage I had to began with forgiving WH and committing to finding the respect, trust and love again. I knew that I could not brow beat him with his indiscretions nor could I punish him by denying him the fundamental of his manhood. I felt that if I had any hope of have a marriage that I and my children could respect I had to accept with my husband the responsibility of the new unchangeable situation in our family.

Then when I thought of our children and I look at there innocence and there complete devotion for the man they call father it seal the deal. You didn't say how old your children are but mine were 9 & 2.

The pain of this was so overwhelming I could not fathom transferring this to my innocent children. I could not allow my children to feel what I felt and I knew that at that age they would follow my lead. Apart of accepting OC and making it a non-issue in my home was to never make my COM hurt for this.

I believe just as the piss poor choice that my H and OW made in bringing OC here will be the cause of immense pain for him one day. It would also be the choice that H and I made going forward that would dictate how or if my COM was affected in a negative way by this.

My DD & OC are closer that she and her older brother(COM). My COM has never lost a moment of their relationship with their father nor have they ever shown anything less that respect for this man and they know the whole story and have from the beginning.

This is MY story and I hope it has give you some insight. I know that you may not be on the market for this option but I just wanted to share with you.

Please be kind to yourself. This is not your fault! This is just a moment in your life.
Posted By: shocked1 Re: Advice Needed-COM & H's A & OC - 09/06/08 04:54 PM
Thanks for responding...I am glad you were able to find it in your heart to do what you have done. I know that I can't do it right now and will not be able to anytime in the near future. It just hits to close to home for me for the following reasons...

1. My children will be 4 and 1 this month
2. OC is 2mths older than my youngest- PG at same time
3. I have always wanted a girl and no longer have that opportunity to have one.-OC is a girl-and this hurts me to my core- H had vasectomy
4. Due to all that has happened there cannot be any contact with OW which means same for OC- yes she is an innocent causuality in this. OW should of thought of that .
5. I believe in the advice given by this website..NC until OC is an adult a time when the OW will not be involved.
5. OW is manipulative and vindictive and confirmed that she intentionally got pregnant and H admitted she was trying to trap him.
6. Need to eliminate drama in my home for the sake of my boys and for the survival of my marriage.

Maybe in time I will come to better terms with it or maybe not. I cannot predict that far ahead in the future. I can only predict my needs for the here and now and tommorow...and this is what I need to be able to move on in order for me to work on my marriage. H was given that choice as well. I did not force him to decide. Remember I was not given a choice. He chose to work on our marriage and agreed to my conditions. Otherwise we need to divorce which I am not okay with that for my COM sake but I will get over it and move on if necessary.

I do agree with you regarding your #1 and #2 comments but # 3 is a little difficult for me .

I do not think I am being selfish more than anything I think I am being more protective than anything. Protective of my feelings, protective of my family and sort of protective of the OC.I know my personal limitations and weaknessess and due to that I know that even if I tried to accept she would be treated differently by me and my H. He has also admitted that he would never be able to give the OC all that he gives our COM. I think it is best to think of it as an adoption to try to protect her from more rejection. Children are not that resilient and no child should be subjected to these types of circumstances. She is best being left with the individuals that truly wanted her and will love her unconditionally. In my home she would not find that. Her existence alone represents pain, deceit , manipulation etc... and H sees that as well and looks to her as an obligation because morally he is suppose to be there for her but he will never be the father she deserves and he recognizes that. So I ask what is best? I think it is for her to stay away.
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