Woweee, am I ever glad to see this new forum!

I really need help on all of this stuff! Here's my question of the day -- Am I too honest with the guys I am dating?

As an example, I am dating more than one person right now. B asked me out for Tuesday (tonight!). E also asked me out and I told him I was busy, during the conversation he asks what I'm doing, so I tell him exactly what I'm doing. Then I have to deal with some jealousy and game playing.

My gal pals are advising that I not tell the men I am dating that I am dating others. They say that those details are none of their business.

Should I be vague or evasive when someone asks about my plans? I'm usually an open book and am very straightforward and honest.

When and where is that line that you cross into honesty and intimacy? HELP!

guy here...
how would you feel if you found out that a guy you are dating(and presumably like)is seeing other and possibly intimate with them and all along you thought that you werte or might be the only one....

Always honesty

I don't assume that I am the only one they are seeing -- in fact I assume that I am NOT the only one.

I think that if you are entering into a formal monogamous relationship you should agree and discuss it. Unless you've agreed -- then I would assume that both are free to date, meet, and talk to other people.

I guess I wouldn't want someone to "think all along that they were the only one" -- thats why I am honest. I find it interesting that the guys I date are welcome to ask for a commitment but never do -- just get jealous.

Do people automatically assume that you only date one person at a time? If you date someone for a certain length of time are there assumptions of monogamy?

Just curious...

i go with honesty

Monkey's monogamy policy:

Monogamy is required at only two points in a relationship:
1)during engagement
2)during marriage

*Note - Monkey approves of sexual interaction only within the context of marriage

I am not yet back on the dating scene after my 2/05 divorce, but when I get back out there I will advise any dating partners that I intend to date others if the fancy strikes me, and I encourage them to do the same. (I will probably only have this conversation if things start to look somewhat serious.)

In fact, I will encourage the woman I date to go out with another man who asks EVEN IF they don't really feel like it due to strong feelings for me. The litmus test will be: if you WOULD date them if I weren't in the picture, then DO date them even though I am in the picture.

This way both parties get an opportunity for periodic doses of reality that may not be apparent in the midst of another relationship. Used to combat infatuation.

Just be honest about.
If they are having a problem with dating others and nothing has been discussed/agreed upon concerning this, then move on.

Great, but this has nothing to do with what was asked.

Also, until the day of engagement, dating others would be acceptable to you?
It would be okay to date, even while discussing marriage with someone you are serious with?

Always Honesty...Always

Any good man would rather hear the truth now than find out you lied later.

Just my 2 cents

RebornMan

Hey Lexx:

Saw your post and couldn't wait to answer! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />


Nope - you don't have to deal with jealousy and game playing. Let that speak volumes about the real "E". If a MAN asks a question, he should be prepared for the honest answer. Don't mean to be disrespectfully blunt - but he was out of line.

Your gal pals are correct - unless he asks. If/when he asks; tell the truth and nothing but the truth...

No time to be vague. Remember - you are starting your social life anew. Set your own ground rules as you desire them to be. If you are deceptive, then you cannot cry foul when deceived!

"They say the truth hurts - but I've never seen it cause the pain that lies do"!

FR <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

You go, Fishracer+!

And you, too, Lexxxy... I agree that honesty is the best policy, and I agree than when someone asks a question, they should be prepared to get the real answer. No need to be cruel, but if they ask, they need to live with the answer.

T

Thanks Fishracer! You are echoing some of the thoughts in my head -- I really don't need to deal with the games and jealousy. I have some other red flags with E too.

I like the consensus -- I think honesty is the way to go.

Monkey -- I would add one more point to your policy:
* if you have agreed to not date others

Chris -- I agree that it seems a little odd that you would go straight from dating multiple partners to an engagement. It seems like there should be a progression to a relationship -- that you would date casually, if things are going well you may consider a "commitment" in which you date exclusively, and that could eventually lead to engagement and marriage.

I must say -- with all this MB knowledge under my belt -- I feel pretty confident in the dating world.

I go with honesty all the way.

That said, I cannot imagine how anyone could legitimately assume dating exclusivity until an agreement on the matter has been reached. If a "date" indicates in some way that (s)he is assuming exclusivity, then corrective communication is in order.

Of course, if you're dating two (or more) people consistently, then that could get interesting. Although, at least for me, I would think that if I had two such good friends, I would mention them somewhere along the line. I see no reason to hide the realities.

Then again, I have no experience in such matters and so for me the situation is entirely hypothetical.

I agree with the consensus. In fact (having read up on this, especially books by Dr. Cloud, about dating), it is best if you do date multiple people until such time you want to be exclusive for good reasons (meaning you have dated enuf to know who you are, and what you want). But never jump to exclusivity quickly, at least 3-6 months of substantial interaction should have taken place. A good prospect will actually be happier if you are dating (or at least open to it) several, and not jealous at all. I didn't realize that until I read some books, and it makes sense, especially for those of us (me) who tend to date one at a time. If someone is dating around, including me, and after a few months if things seem good, and we want to try the next step, being exclusive, then I feel much more confident being chosen that way.

ah...that slippery slope.

I think its up to you to tell somebody you're dating around or not...the books I've read recently say not to mention it at all...could turn some on/some off...say that you do not bring it up until it is time for taking this new dating relationship to new level...and that would be exclusivity.

and I echo others here...no exclusivity until a few months of dating.

My best friend thinks it's ok to say on first few dates, at some point, your philosophy of dating such as "I think it's best if people date around a bit before making any kind of committment." You can mention it in conversation, or talk about a "friend" who is dating...

It is nobody's business but yours if you are seeing one or seeing 10. Only time it becomes joint issue of discussion is when your dating relationship is turning towards something more permanent and serious.

at least that is the prevalent attitude here in atlanta amongst singles.

and nothing is wrong with being quiet...unless there is a looming committment on horizon, it is your call either way.

I have re=subscribed to dating site...got one email from guy wanting to get to know me...but his caveat in his FIRST email to me was "I do not want to see you if you are dating other people"...what was with that? I see that as demanding and controlling behavior. Uh...excuse me, but what is wrong with that picture? what am I? he must have me confused w/some mail order bride thing.

If they ask you if you're dating somebody during a date, here is how I have responded ...heck I have a date in a few days wih a guy who's pretty cool. He asked me at work if I was dating anybody. Remember initially, they may be askingh to determine if you are really available or not...that is what I think they just want to know. Here's what I had said "I was dating somebody...but as of now, nothing at all serious." I think that says enough. I don't need to give a play by play or whip out my list of men I've corresponded or spoken to recently. He should assume that I am a healthy young woman and that healthy young single women do consider dating now and then.

It is nobody's business but yours if you are seeing one or seeing 10. Only time it becomes joint issue of discussion is when your dating relationship is turning towards something more permanent and serious.
So you are suggesting to simply ignore the question or just tell him it's none of his business?

got one email from guy wanting to get to know me...but his caveat in his FIRST email to me was "I do not want to see you if you are dating other people"...what was with that?
I think that's a fair caveat as long as he is living up to that also.
I don't see it as controlling at all.
Simply that this is one of his "ground rules". If you are not happy with it, then don't date him.

"I was dating somebody...but as of now, nothing at all serious."
To me, this sounds a bit like you're "playing the game".
Does this mean you are/were not serious with him but would possibly date him again (but currently have no dates set up or that you have no intentions of seeing him again?

I agree with Chris regarding the statement of preference from the guy.

It was worded very clumsily, but it wasn't control or a demand. It was all about what HE wanted. He didn't say you had to leave other guys to date him. He stated a preference. I really see it no differently that those folks who state, I will not answer your ad if you don't include a picture of yourself.

Otherwise, any statement of preference becomes a demand or control.

Let me post this, if I stated, I only want to date women, so if you are guy, I don't want to date you.

Is that controlling?

Not in my POV. Neither is stating you don't want to date a woman who is dating others.

T

In my opinion, this dating confusion simply is a byproduct of our ridiculously infatuated with dating culture.

Think of it: Too many apply the rules of dating to marriage --> it's OK to have multiple partners / affairs / rendevous.

And then, vice versa the rules of marriage are applied to dating --> You have to be monogamous in your dating world from nearly the get-go! Folks want an exclusive commitment almost IMMEDIATELY upon commencing a dating relationship!!

So much is bass-acwards in our culture when it comes to dating & marriage.

I've begun to date. Divorce is 1 yr old. WW gone for 1.5 yrs. Her BIG affair nearly 6 yrs ago now.

I've been amazed at the commitment to exlusivity that women want REALLY FAST after I begin to call or write, etc.

There's just sooooo much emotional distress & illness out there from what I'm finding. Mature perspectives on life, values, right & wrong are truly hard to find. Lots of shallow minds & concepts. And I really point at Hollywood & Television for dumbing down the American public with regards to how to go about dating & finding a life partner.

In short, this ain't no batchelor / reality show we're living in. As has been well said....HONESTY is the only policy to follow. If folks can't handle the Truth...then you don't want that person to "handle" you.

Regards,
High Flight

Interesting comments, I had to laugh at highflight, hadn't thought about it, but yeah, is bass-ackwards sometimes. Agree in part with chris, kind of a reach to label an upfront boundary as manipulative or controlling....is not, cause there is no basis for the control...but I would call it ignorant, and not date anyone so obviuously mixed up about the purpose of dating, or the building of healthy relationships, cause they have revealed they have serious emotional dysfunction.

I believe honesty is the best policy, and you can't do honesty without communication I would think. It makes sense to me to have a discussion re dating expectations pretty much right after the initial getting to know, am I interested, phase. Doesn't have to be blunt, can be finessed into the conversation, and shortly thereafter if a date or two is working out, followed by the discussion of physical boundaries/expectations....if everyone is on the same page then...you have a chance to build something....but if not, better to find out quick as possible before wasting time and resources. Once these boundaries are agreed to, there is no need to discuss ones other "dates", but then you can if you want too, but cannot be required to do so...mostly I think is best not too ask or volunteer much. I am seeing someone now, we have proceeded like this (both fairly inexperienced, so blind leading the blind), and has worked well. We seem to like each other, but no pressure, and she is exploring some other options a bit, as am I...but we are getting closer, and if it becomes exclusive, I think we both feel better being chosen over others. If one should wait a few months to consider exclusivity, it makes no sense if you aren't checking out other options, that's the whole point, so when you choose to be exclusive, it is a choice over others.

There is actually some pretty good guidance about this subject (dating), boundaries books (there are several) by Dr. Clouds, who is a highly knowledgeale psychologist specializing in dating/boundaries issues, and dating coach. Pre-mature exclusivity, and lack of communication about major boundaries (such as physical limits) are more likely to lead to bad relationship outcomes. Upfront forthrightness, and dating multiple people (initially) until one "rises" to the top of the list, and you want to go deeper with them (exclusive), is the better way to proceed and find a good partner.