Hi,

I know ya'll don't know me, but I'd be greatly appreciative of any help on this issue!

Ok, first and foremost,,,,thank you for reading this, I know it's long !! Lol

Secondly, I have had an epiphany in regards to my life, my relationships and why I seemingly am **stuck** in the same place, year after year.

I ran into a problem (again) with my supervisor this week. She read and ignored an important email message and after getting mad and feeling disrespected, something quite powerful occurred to me. Most of my relationships have this same sort of problem.

Let me give an example. I email a friend to have dinner …..she doesn’t respond. Then, several days later she does respond, explaining whatever it was that kept her from returning my message in a timely manner, says yes, dinner would be great……yet, three weeks later, still hasn’t gotten back to me and no, we still haven’t had dinner. Typically, I would **forgive and forget** about this and in a month or so, I’ll try again, believing that she really DOES want to see me (I know….I know)

Another example…..I have friend whom I always call, initiate contact after periods of silence,,,,ect. I feel very hurt that I don’t get the same sort of appreciation from her, but I believe that after this long, it’s become a pattern and she knows that I’ll take care of things to keep the relationship moving.

Yet another *friend*, comes in and out of my life when she feels the need to mend things with me….and I always let me back in………without any effort. I believe what she says and until she proves me wrong, we limp along…..with no real connection.

Now that you see some dilemma with my girlfriends, imagine my struggles as I look for my life-time mate! My relationships with men, although much different, have the same end….no connection. My tolerance with bad behavior in men is far LESS than the stupidity I endure for my girlfriends. In fact, if a man I date treated me even remotely like any of the above examples, I’d be done….no second chance………..Sad, but true. Guess we all know why I’m still single  (because, I know I’m an excellent catch otherwise~ 

I’m a firm believer that you get what you give……so, what I’m putting out there is way different that what I really want. I want respect and admiration from my supervisor. I want an honest, loving and fulfilling marital relationship. I want an open, honest and loving relationship with my daughter (I think I have that---but it could ALWAYS improve). I want a handful of women that I adore and adore me, who are my *sisters*.

This must be residual effects of my divorce. I’ve obviously learned my behaviors from enduring the mental and emotional turmoil of my marriage. Help me Unlearn this. Is it a boundry issue? Is it a love yourself issue (are those the same?) Or is it simply a matter of changing how I feel about myself?

Gads….I hope you’re still reading this, and that I’ve made at least a little bit of sense. My thoughts are all jumbled up together right now, but honestly, if I can break through this…..I see sooooo many possibilities!

Thanks for taking the time to read./

May God bless you

(((ceecee)))

Interesting stuff..... Self discovery can be an amazing and wonderful experience.

You've mentioned relationship trends with 3 of your friends, try putting yourself in their shoes for a moment and tell us how they would describe you and how would they describe the talks they have with you especially in regards to content and tone?

I do have some more input on this but will wait to here back before going into that, as well as address the issue with your boss.

Hi Bill

Yes, self discovery IS a wonderful thing. Who know?

I have a tendancy to be quite tolerable when it comes to my friends and family. Being a single mom, I understand first hand time constraints and just being too blessed tired to do anything. So, I can and often do cut alot of slack.
I'm not very specific, this is true, and tone,,,,well, depending on the day, I suppose I can come across unwelcoming. I dunno. I'll have to ponder that one

What I'm trying to figure out tho, is why I'm all of the sudden feeling disrespected and neglected? This is a bed of my own making, I realize, but I want more.....so much more!

Looking forward to the super advice!

Thanks for your reply

The key to one problem is to be assertive (not agressive). The friend says "yeah dinner would be great!" and you say "How about Wednesday at 7:30 at Bonzo's?"

One powerful suggestion: never, ever maintain one-way relationships. If you are the one doing all the work, quietly drop the friend. One-way friendships are false friendships and not worth the effort. Require that everyone you associate with meet you half way. The ones who don't care to do this will go away and there will never be a problem.

Both of these suggestions put you in control in situations when you should assert control. When you are in control of events in your life, there is little possibility for resentment to raise it's ugly head.

Check,

Yes, I understand the distinction between aggresive and assertive. And yes, while I'm not known to be timid, I suppose I do need to be direct in my communications as far as plans go.

As far as one-sided relationships go,.....I do agree they are a fast track to no where....the only exception I would have with that is a parent/child relationship. If I had to....I would maintain a relationship with my child....until she wanted to get back involved.....

I also agree that resent can and will build up if you aren't careful. Unfortuneatly, life often hands us up events/situations that we CANT control....but I do understand what you are saying

Well, you are going to have to keep on looking because I sure ain't got none..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />


Without any knowledge of you or truly much knowledge of the situations I would view these sudden feelings as a serious step in personal positive growth. To me, this is your mind screaming "I am worthy, I am respectable, I am loveable, I am an amazing creature of God, I am, I am, I am". To me this is AWESOME and is the beginning on a path that will lead to you getting that respect that you desire and deserve.

The reason I asked about the friends communication was for a simple reason and that was to see what plane they are on. Where are they in life and where do they see you? Are they stuck? Are they people you relied on in bad times? I challenge you to explore the inner workings of those friendships and see what they are based on and see if that still holds validity.

A wise old guy once told me that in a normal lifetime you always have 5 friends and that set of friends will change 5 times during your life. If that old man wasn't full of beans, maybe you are standing at the doorway of change...

Well, whether that guy was full of beans or not....I'm liking that thought process! The doorway of change.....i like the sound of that

I've been seeing butterflies everyday for about two weeks now. Arent' butterflies symbolic of change? Hmmm.

I am taking a stab here. Based on what I'm reading in your post, some of the things sound like some things I have struggled with. I'm going to direct you to the serenity prayer and concept.... of striving to accept the things you cannot change (others), and courage to change the things you can (yourself).

Things that have helped me is realizing that my expectations of others is too high, usually wanting them to make me happy in some way. This is very broad and vague, and varies from situation to situation, and among different relationships. But basically realizing that you only have control over you, your actions, reactions, and feelings. Do whatever you can to fulfill your own life, and your own happiness, whatever that entails. Hobbies, faith, striving to enrich relationships that you can't choose (family, boss, etc), etc. Lowering your expectations that people will be there for YOU, or are somehow responsible for responding a certain way... will leave you LESS disappointed. Anxiety - and resentment - builds as you *hope* ... *expect* ... *wait* ... for someone to respond or react to something you'e wanting... is letting other people control your life. Stop turning that control over to them. Like I said, find ways to make your life complete without their response/reaction/answer/presence (think of those things as a blessing, gift or a surprise when you get them!), and depending on your faith, "let go and let God", if something is causing you to wait/wonder/wish for someone's answer or action.

Working on your own happiness, along with learning how to more effectively and specifically communicate (asking directly for what you want)... as has been discussed here already.

Is this on target at all?

hugs,
Faith1

Hi Faith

Well yes and no. I'm basically very happy with my life. Content, I suppose. I realize I can't change people or situation, only what I can do.

What I'm tryin to get at, without much success, is lately, most of my relationship are disappointing to me, with an underlying disrespect. Now, perhaps they've always had that tone to them and I'm just now noticing,,,,or this is something new.

Honestly, I don't think my expectations of people are too high. But, I do expect common curtesy and I'm not even getting THAT.

Perhaps what LostHusband said was true....I'm on the verge of something here and everything is out of whack!

Thanks for your post. I appreicate it!

Well, honestly, if you wrote it or I wrote it, it's gonna be long! LOL

You knew I'd never be able to resist once I heard you had started a thread. I was even patient enough to wait while poor Tempest fixed my profile so that I could read and post again. (I was beginning to wonder if I were banned or something! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

I don't have any advice; well, none that you haven't already heard from me, of course. I have to tell you that you are a GREAT friend. I honestly don't know what I'd have done without you all these years. It's not often you find a friend that you can agree with, disagree with, argue with, commiserate with, whine to and laugh with (and at) and walk away knowing that, no matter what, you're still there for each other. You know, that kind that knows when you need a shoulder to cry on or a kick in the behind and gives you exactly what you need. That, my dear, friend, is you.

Assertiveness....hmmmmm, I would have to say that you don't have a problem in that area! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> That's one of the things I envy most about you.

Aw, shoot, gotta run. I thought I had more time. I'll be back, though; I know I have more thoughts on the matter. LOL (always do!)

Love ya!

Lori

Lori? It's me, well, me... new_beginning priorly (though that isn't a word...

You know I just yesterday asked a friend of mine if she still kept in touch with you (oh wait a minute, that friend *was* ceecee! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)... I wanted to say hi.

So, um, "HI"... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

...and ceecee, you and I have discussed this at length too... (Lori, I rival you on long wordy messages, if you remember)... and you're on the right track... you're so much wiser than you give yourself credit for - remember that!

((((group hug))))

Oh, wow! Hi, Honey! I recognized the "Nyneve", but you'll always be NB to me. I just told Cheryl today to tell you "hi" and that I wanted an update! How the heck are you? Ok, so I cheat. I kinda try to keep up with you through the grapevine.

Don't ya love it when the long-winded old-timers get together again? We need a big ol' reunion....complete with salmon, frying pans, bacon and Poptarts!

You know, you'd think, with you and me droning on and on with our opinions and wise advice <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> , our dear friend would be tired by now. I know sometimes I feel like I've had enough danged "personal growth" to last a lifetime. Then I just find something else I feel the need to work on!

She truly does have a handle on what's going on, I think.

Oh, well, I guess I'll go read some posts. It's been a long time. Heck, maybe there's a chance I'll see a familiar face here, just checking in like me.

Love you, too, NB.

Ceecee,
I have some of the same feelings and for me its been realted to not feeling good enough. I think you need to look to yourself and maybe consider affirmations or meditation or praying or counseling.


Lori, Sheryl.... great to see you guys.it must be old home week.

I just got engaged to a great guy who likes to talk.... even about relationships!

Lostva,,, banned....never! And I'm soooo glad you aren't able to resist me after all these years





No fair!! You aren't suppose to make me cry! I hope you know that I feel the same way about you! We've been through it all!



Ohhh, I can't wait to hear this!

Love you, too!

Hi my lovely Sheryl! Lori and I were on the phone just a few hours ago talking about how the two of you need to connect again.

hugs to you (and you have mail)

Hi Lora,
I saw you were getting married! How very wonderful for you! And to find a man that actually likes to talk about relationships.....you go girl!!

I just want you to know that salmon and poptarts are NOT allowed in my home! Oh no....not after what I know they are really used for!

[quote]
You know, you'd think, with you and me droning on and on with our opinions and wise advice <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> , our dear friend would be tired by now. I know sometimes I feel like I've had enough danged "personal growth" to last a lifetime. Then I just find something else I feel the need to work on!

She truly does have a handle on what's going on, I think.

[quote]

Oh course I'll never get tired of you opinions and wise advice! I'd do much better in life if I'd apply it, tho! lol

And I know I've got it going on! Please! Maybe I just need to find a nice MB man who is also keenly aware of how terrific I am! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I was thinking it may be time for a trip to LA with a hottub trailer. What do you think? I'm ready for a vacation

Hi guys,

<------- Look! I changed my display name. Is that better??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ceecee, I'll be answering your lovely email this evening. I got long-winded myself this morning and have spent more time than I expected online, and still have a bit more to do.

Just know that long-winded or not, (and make no mistake, I am!) there really is only one thing I want you to remember: YOU KNOW YOU. Keep showing yourself the compassion that you deserve. You are WISE, and beautiful, and wonderful. (((ceecee)))

Thank you, NB. The name change is appreciated! LOL

Ceecee, Honey, if you're gonna make a post, make it where I can find it, ok? I'm not good at this bouncing around anymore. Age is making me senile.

Lora, I'm so happy for you! You deserve a wonderful partner and I'm so glad you found somebody great. It's so good to hear from you again.

Well, now I have to go find Ceecee's other post and read what wiser folks had to say to her.

hey ladies! nothing to add to this, i just felt all warm and fuzzy reading this thread.

It IS kinda warm and fuzzy, isn't it, old friend? I haven't had an update on your life lately either. I was just thinking of you the other day when I was going through some pictures.

How's it going?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

lawdy, lawdy....look who we pulled out of the woodwork!

How are you? I think I read you just got remarried, right? Congrats, my friend!

How's Abby (that's right, I hope....I'm working off some dusty memories! lol)

It's pretty fun to remember the good ole days....the flying salmon,,,,the bacon sizzling and the poptarts in the toaster.....ah...:)

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

((smooch))

back atcha, darlin'

all is well, married to a great lady. abbey is 9 and loving life.

my only suggestion on the boundaries issue is being total honest about everything. not what you were looking i bet, but that's it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Ceecee,

Dayum! Is this a bloody reunion thread, or what?!

I don't have any wise words for you Ceecee, just wanted to pop in and say "hola" to you and all the oldtimers.

Hope everyone is well and happy.

Love,
Jo

Hi ceecee,

Forgive me while I skip ahead and don't read the other responses for now.I will just address this post since it touched a nerve.

If I may say,I don't know if what you have been experiencing is the fact that you are "stuck".I believe it may be more of a reflection upon other's.

It has come to my attention over the recent years that this society we live in is very different than how I think it should be.Who am I to say? Well,I just think basic common courtesy and manners are becoming a lost art (internet plays I role I think).In the age of entitlement,we expect other's to pick up the slack instead of putting in the energy that we need and should be doing for our families and frienships and for other's.

The dinner scenario you described was one very similar to my own and in fact,I just left another message(the LAST one) to encourage this neighbor with 2 kids and who has also dealt with adultery,to come over and have dinner as she claims would "love to".

But what I have learned is if I am the one doing most of the work(or all of it) to maintain a relationship,I let it go because it's not right for me.I would never dream of not contacting a person right back,especially a friend,who called or e-mailed.I always do that day or the very next morning.I think it's so insenstive to keep people waiting like that.And not a good measure of your own sincerity if you let work and other issues become more important than those things that really are.

Also,the phrase "you get what you give".I don't believe that.Plenty of people are giving and doing a lot for their loved ones only to get *nothing in return.Again a reflection on takers and users instead of people who really care and appreciate what they have.

From reading your post,I think you are a caring person and are just confused by the lack of reciprocation from other's.I sometimes think what an outsider I am not to be like everyone else but then I am immediately struck back to reality and of what a good friend I am and a good person,considering other's feelings and not just looking out for myself,looking at the big picture and not just my own little slice of the world.If we all become selfish,reclusive,greedy,entitled takers who will make this world better? It's something my daughters and I discuss frequently.

Maybe you have a fear of letting go? This is what I conquered long ago and how I was able to get through my D proceeding and previous adultery situation with my STBXWH.It was so hard to let this toxic man go,my husband,my love,best friend.But I did.Removing toxic people from your life is very freeing I have found because as Dr.Phil's states, "I would rather be alone and healthy than sick and with someone". I think that can apply to anyone in your life: spouse,boss,friend,family member,etc.

Sorry if any of this was redundant.And you do make perfect sense.I get it! And I think you know what you need to do to make your life better in this respect(boundary patrol!).

O <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

[quote}all is well, married to a great lady. abbey is 9 and loving life.[/quote]
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
My daughter is 8 now and already thinks I'm a dork! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I can't wait until High School!


[quote]my only suggestion on the boundaries issue is being total honest about everything. not what you were looking i bet, but that's it.[/quote ]

I'll take what I can get!
You take care my friend. It's good to **see** you again!

Hi back atcha, Jo! Gosh, I was just thinking about you the other day, hoping that life was treating you the way you deserve!!

We've got another reunion thread going on over in EN....that's pulled out some real **old timers**

It's so nice to see old friends again, isn't it? Those that saw us at our worst and loved us anyway. What a bitter-sweet time....

Take care, sweetie. It's good to see you!

Hi Octobergirl (I'm an October baby myself!)

Thank you so much for the kind words and thoughts!


I think you hit the nail on the head here! I've done alot of introspective thinking since I first posted this and I DO think I'm a good friend...one that would never think of leaving someone I cared about in the dark, esp over something as simple as dinner! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


Wonderfully said! I couldn't agree more!


Again, I couldn't agree more! And for the most part, I am toxic-free! I do try to surround myself with postive, healthy individuals.

[quote]Sorry if any of this was redundant.And you do make perfect sense.I get it! And I think you know what you need to do to make your life better in this respect(boundary patrol!).[/quote}

Thank you! You're a sweetie! ((Octobergirl))

Nine years old! Man our babies have grown! So happy that you're doing well. I knew you would be! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hey, Jo! How's it going? I was clearing out old stuff the other day and saw you in some old MB threads I had printed out. (I kept them, they were mostly funny!) Glad to hear from you.

Love ya!

Lori

*tiny threadjack, ceecee*

Hi Jo!! Hey, remember my frozen shoulder? It's *still* not 100%, but better. Thanks for all your suggestions about it!

*threadjack off*

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />