MAW64 - 01/04/06 01:44 PM
(((MAW64)))
On another thread you said “Off track here from lordslady - how did you finally turn yourself around.. I mean I look at me and I have been well lost for awhile - not sure what direction to go into to make myself happy... Though I unlike lordslady - know that while a man may be a quick fix it isn't going to truly help me - I need to find the happy in me - probably why I am stuck....”””
WOW, what a question, let me start with a quick explanation I’ve posted on the boards before:
I believe that it is widely accepted that one will go through and must go through a natural healing process after the loss of a spouse whether it be due to death or divorce. Add to that the outside circumstances surrounding the loss, whether it be infidelity or abuse or whatever, and there truly can be a lot of external issues to deal with before dealing with all the internal issues surrounding the loss.
Below, I believe you’ll find the standard accepted model of the grieving process:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
Steps 4 and 5 are where I’m going to place my emphasis. I believe that completing steps 4 and 5 are instrumental in having a successful relationship and moving on with life. Let’s look at them individually for just a moment:
4. Depression. This is the hopeless phase where anger, betrayal, resentments, and grief dwell. People my focus their grief inward and begin hating themselves, they may drink or do drugs as a means to cope. Or what I find more likely is that they date and engage in casual sex in an attempt to feel “normal” again.
5. Acceptance. This is when healing is completing, you notice that I didn’t say it was complete. In very humble opinion Step 5 is an action step. This is where one let’s go of the anger and bitterness towards others, as well as any towards themselves. This is where we have forgiveness.
Well after my separation and divorce, I went through stages 1, 2, and 3 fairly quickly but got stuck in stage 4. It’s kind of funny because many books recommend waiting 1 year for every 5 years of marriage before you date so that you can heal, well pretty much like clock work it took me about 9 months to fully experience stages 1-3 and I was stuck in stage 4 for a little over 2 years, so the math from them experts was just about right.
So how did I truly move past that is a bit of a touchy subject but I’ll give you the reader’s digest version, if you’d truly like a full explanation, my wife and I have an e-mail account set up off the boards together billyandtara05@yahoo.com Anywho, after being stuck for a long time I was at an emotional bottom in my life. I truly knew that I couldn’t keep going in the direction I was going. My spirituality was fading. A chain of events came to a head one morning and I made the choice to change. To accomplish that I examined my entire life up to that point. I let go of anything, truly anything, that I was holding onto from the past. Some of this was baggage I had carried around since childhood. So when I was able to remove all of my resentments, I was able to move on. For me it was necessarily about grieving a divorce but more about grieving life and the divorce was just another symptom. Then stages 4 & 5 pretty much went hand and hand.
Now during this period, I tried to find happiness in many ways including dating. I’m so so so so glad it didn’t work. I look at my ability to attract and whom I was eyeing back then and it truly is an indicator of where I was. Well, as if a reward for turning my life around, within 6 months of true emotional recovery and health, I met my now wife. Had I met her before, I would of thought her out of my league so to speak. But through my healing I gained self-acceptance, self-esteem, and confidence.
Now today, I still have to focus on things on a daily basis. Each day I look at how I did and how I interacted and am I resentful for an event that happened. If I did poorly or am resentful, I take steps to deal with that immediately, for if I don’t I can end up stuck once again.
On another thread you said “Off track here from lordslady - how did you finally turn yourself around.. I mean I look at me and I have been well lost for awhile - not sure what direction to go into to make myself happy... Though I unlike lordslady - know that while a man may be a quick fix it isn't going to truly help me - I need to find the happy in me - probably why I am stuck....”””
WOW, what a question, let me start with a quick explanation I’ve posted on the boards before:
I believe that it is widely accepted that one will go through and must go through a natural healing process after the loss of a spouse whether it be due to death or divorce. Add to that the outside circumstances surrounding the loss, whether it be infidelity or abuse or whatever, and there truly can be a lot of external issues to deal with before dealing with all the internal issues surrounding the loss.
Below, I believe you’ll find the standard accepted model of the grieving process:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
Steps 4 and 5 are where I’m going to place my emphasis. I believe that completing steps 4 and 5 are instrumental in having a successful relationship and moving on with life. Let’s look at them individually for just a moment:
4. Depression. This is the hopeless phase where anger, betrayal, resentments, and grief dwell. People my focus their grief inward and begin hating themselves, they may drink or do drugs as a means to cope. Or what I find more likely is that they date and engage in casual sex in an attempt to feel “normal” again.
5. Acceptance. This is when healing is completing, you notice that I didn’t say it was complete. In very humble opinion Step 5 is an action step. This is where one let’s go of the anger and bitterness towards others, as well as any towards themselves. This is where we have forgiveness.
Well after my separation and divorce, I went through stages 1, 2, and 3 fairly quickly but got stuck in stage 4. It’s kind of funny because many books recommend waiting 1 year for every 5 years of marriage before you date so that you can heal, well pretty much like clock work it took me about 9 months to fully experience stages 1-3 and I was stuck in stage 4 for a little over 2 years, so the math from them experts was just about right.
So how did I truly move past that is a bit of a touchy subject but I’ll give you the reader’s digest version, if you’d truly like a full explanation, my wife and I have an e-mail account set up off the boards together billyandtara05@yahoo.com Anywho, after being stuck for a long time I was at an emotional bottom in my life. I truly knew that I couldn’t keep going in the direction I was going. My spirituality was fading. A chain of events came to a head one morning and I made the choice to change. To accomplish that I examined my entire life up to that point. I let go of anything, truly anything, that I was holding onto from the past. Some of this was baggage I had carried around since childhood. So when I was able to remove all of my resentments, I was able to move on. For me it was necessarily about grieving a divorce but more about grieving life and the divorce was just another symptom. Then stages 4 & 5 pretty much went hand and hand.
Now during this period, I tried to find happiness in many ways including dating. I’m so so so so glad it didn’t work. I look at my ability to attract and whom I was eyeing back then and it truly is an indicator of where I was. Well, as if a reward for turning my life around, within 6 months of true emotional recovery and health, I met my now wife. Had I met her before, I would of thought her out of my league so to speak. But through my healing I gained self-acceptance, self-esteem, and confidence.
Now today, I still have to focus on things on a daily basis. Each day I look at how I did and how I interacted and am I resentful for an event that happened. If I did poorly or am resentful, I take steps to deal with that immediately, for if I don’t I can end up stuck once again.