I am waiting for my divorce to be final. Legal papers are done...here is my problem.

I am 41 years old, divorcing my first husband after 7 years. We have been separated over a year. I filed last summer and have the kids (5). He (ex) had several affairs starting just 2 years after we married in 1998. We went to more counselors than you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> and well...he just didn't want to be married and faithful at the same time. I am a believer. I love Jesus. I was prepared to do this alone..and prayed that God would provide..and He did...awesomely. I can't explain here the devistation that my ex caused in our lives. We were abandoned and left to live in a house that we had to use the stove for heat. No money or food and me with a newborn. He (ex) didn't care as he was warm and comfortable in his mom's basement. But God provided. Now I am working..I'm an RN (Psychiatric) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> (I know I know) and I prayed..God..if there ever was a man for me you'd have to put him right in front of me cause I ain't looking ever again. I never took my wedding ring off to deter men from bothering me. Well, I was pursued by a man at work (after he found out I was in process of divorce) who's life mirrored mine. His ex did the same to him and he too is at home with his kids alone and working. He is a believer. Well..we became great friends and of corse fell in love. Now here I am..still married..divorce will be final in a month or so. He is a wonderful man and we are so alike..I feel peace about being with him but then it became physical. Then we stopped because we knew it was sin and not good for the kids. My question is this..How do I stop seeing him altogether since my divorce is not yet final. And I know he's not a rebound as I have been apart from my ex for many years before the divorce got filed. Do you think God would want me to not see this man at all? I am so scared the answer is yes. I never expected to meet him. I wasn't looking and neither was he..it was so natural..so right. We both love God and want to do what is right..He doesn't think God wants us to stop seeing each other. Any opinions? Hope you followed my story I know it kind of rambled. My kids love this man by the way. And his kids love me to. BUt that is kind of irrelivent considering my question. Thank you.

I did date before my divorce was final. Where I live, divorce is not granted XH and I have a special needs son and although our divorce was as easy as it gets, finalizing the kid part took three years after all the other paperwork was filed. (We wanted to avoid making a choice that wasn't best for DS and end up having to back to court to change it.) I'll tell you that, although I felt divorced after all the other papers were filed and accepted by the courts, going through that last piece was still very draining.

It wasn't fair to the man I was "just dating" to carry part of that stress. It was asking too much and tested our relationship beyond what it should have. I should have leaned on family and friends rather than a love interest.

If God wants you to be together, then taking a time out while the legalities get resolved will not keep you from being together when its all done.

Just something to consider.


Mrs. W8ing

Listen to your inner voice. If it's telling you not too, then don't because,
Our inner voice, I believe, is the voice of God, guiding you.....

DW

Here's my opinion. (It's worth what you paid for it.)

I don't believe you should be "dating" before your divorces are final. That doesn't mean that you cannot see him at all. I suggest that you do family things together. However, I think you are asking if it's ok to have SF. How long till your D is final? He should be willing to wait if he loves you.

PS I feel for you, and I'm not sure if I could follow my own advise in that situation. Have faith.

Here's what bother's me jubilee:



IMO,no one should date until the D is FINAL and you have had time to HEAL & REFLECT.It just amazes me that people still do this.If you value marriage and vows,then you know you cheated too.I am not saying this to offend you but you were still married and slept with some other guy who you fell "in love" with.You can tell us just how bad it all was within your current marriage but isn't that really an excuse? You both are dragging God into this to suit your own needs.It's not appropriate.

I would not trust a man who actively pursued a woman who was not yet divorced,was probably in distress and who swooped in at an opportune moment.Sorry but that's the way I see it.It probably all sounds romantic to you but I would be very wary.And,what are you showing your kids?? Now they are attached to this other man and who knows how this will all pan out.Bad examples all around.


Sounds eerily familiar when it comes to how WS's talk,even the beginning.



A bit late for that don't you think?

Well,you asked for opinions.I don't support what you did but you will have to make decisions for yourself and I just hope your kids don't get hurt in the process.You'll have to make peace in your own way.

O

jubilee7, I too dated before I was divorced and feel what I did wasn't fair to guy I dated or to myself. He knew my story and was getting over painful break-up (not married) too. I didn't want to be alone, I was scared of STBXH, and got involved for wrong reasons anyway. Fortunately, we parted as friends.

I'm now waiting for my divorce to be final (hopefully sometime this year after filing 4.5 years ago!) before dating again - easy to say when no one's asking me out...

BTW, I'm a former psychiatric RN (now have my own business). STBXH was also an RN but lost his license, twice, because of substance abuse. He's being supported by money from our business and has resisted Dv from the beginning - I don't think he wants to give up his claim to the business.

If you're able to hold off and wait for your divorce, I think you'll feel better, but I know that's easier said than done!

Thank You all for your replies. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> Especially you fbwidow. I think your right. However I don't know what sf means. Octobergirl, Thank you for taking time to read and reply to my post. I appreciate your caution, but I found your post judgemental. I didn't come here for that. Believe me I understand your caution, but I don't believe you know me well enough to make the statements you did. Not to get on the defensive with you. I'm sure you're a nice person. Last time I checked, Jesus was still walking with me. I drag God into every situation in my life. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /> Well, I don't really have to drag Him. He's already there when I get there. My caution to you is, be careful when you feel you are beyond doing something, cause it's usually at that time when your faith will be tested. A tinsey little thing called pride. But I'm sure you meant well. Thanks again guys, ever forward...right?

Jubilee,

I'm sorry you found my post "judgmental" but in all honesty,whenever someone comes here looking for a particular response,and don't get it,the accusations come out.You asked for opinions and I gave one.It wasn't supportive and well,you can choose to do what you want with what I said.

The "you don't know me" statements are also very common.Did you really expect pats on the back and a "you go girl" response? You even admitted you felt it was wrong so now you try and backpedal and go on defense? I can understand why you would do that but be honest with yourself.If it wasn't wrong in your heart and mind then you wouldn't have come here.



You needn't worry about that.In the past 2 years I have been through:

-Adultery
-Cancer
-Death of beloved family member
-Threatened loss of home x 4
-Now Divorce

My faith is what got me through(and my children) and I can sleep at night knowing I made the right decisions,handled it all in the best way I know how and didn't hurt anyone in the process.

I don't wish you ill will jubilee.I'm just suggesting that you make healthy choices from now on and make sure your kids are the priority.

This site is great because we are honest and call it like we see it.Sometimes it's rough but many people have thanked the posters here for our "brutal" honesty.It's what is needed sometimes,not fake support of inappropriate behavior.

Good luck to you.

O

There is a reason the title of this forum is After Divorce: Dating and Relationships.

, ever forward...right?
Absolutely! While learning from the past (and other peoples mistakes) !

Title of this forum After Divorce : An area to discuss things such as when it is ok to date again, how to go about getting back into dating, who asks who, using MB principles in developing new relationships, what has worked for you, etc.

My original question was: Since we have stopped the physical part of our relationship, is it a sin to be together outside of work? Does God consider that sin? Am I under the vow until the judge signs the paper?

Hi jubilee,

I'm one of the "mistake" situations you may learn something from that Chris mentions. I'm a 'do what I say, not what I did' person. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I didn't 'date' exactly. But tell you what I did do: I met a man during separation (both of us were separated but not yet divorced) and we went great guns into a new relationship. We've been married for going-on five years.

I'll tell you what... the hardest part for BOTH OF US... having to grieve the loss of our long-term marriages while trying to build a relationship with each other. Even if the marriage was abusive, yucky, or whatever... you still have an attachment to that person (your soon-to-be-ex [stbx]). You need to grieve and grow before you give your heart to someone else... not to mention your body.

So, that said...

You *are* still legally married, so yes, you are still under the vow. As a Christian, I'm sure you realize that the inner questioning that brought you to MB is probably some prodding from the Holy Spirit. You know what's right. Just go with that! I bet you know way more than you think!!

Know that many of us didn't wait, and most of us who didn't kinda (or a lot) wish we had. In my case, it's a definate wish I had... the first three years or so were very hard on me emotionally because I had a lot of guilt about the timing (as well as some other things I won't go into here).

Anyway, best wishes... and take it from me... heal yourself, help your children through this rough time, and THEN give your heart to a good man. It will be worth the wait.

That is good advice New Beginning. Thank you for taking the time to answer. This is hard. I know this man well. He is a former marine, loves his country and God, loves his kids and is a hard worker. He is not as mature as I am in the Word and so I feel it's more my fault that we didn't wait as I could have said no several times to his advances. We are both in our 40's and biologically can control our hormones so the stopping of the physical part has given us both time to begin considering the rest. Me especially. He's an honorable man. He is nuts about me. He's goo goo about me. I never once called him or pursued him. It was nice to have that after years of neglect and contempt from my WH. UGGH..I wasn't looking. Why did God allow this? I don't wanna tell him but now I am feeling scared of the consequences if I don't. Not consequences about broken hearts ect..but consequences of disobeidience to God. Plus this..I used to pride myself on the fact that "I kept my vows and you didn't'...hmmm <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />...now look..and I didn't even know it was pride until I was faced with this current situation and my failure to keep my vow even though I am divorcing. Gees..I just wanna simple life. Uggh <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Sorry, it made me giggle when you said: "I kept my vows but you didn't"... because I said the same thing (in my first marriage). My ex cheated with not one, but three or more women in our marriage. I forgave him, but not without some, um... yeah, pride. You're right, that's the right word.

Then in year 18, I had an affair. OMygosh, I couldn't BELIEVE IT. I mean, seriously, some days I *still* can't believe the person I was during those few months. I slept with the OM once and confessed. It was a horribly humiliating, self-punishing time for me. I truly understand what you're saying.

You really *can* do this, jubilee. You can save your body, heart and soul until it's the right time. This man sounds like a good guy, so I vote for being very honest with him. Honestly, if it's meant to be, he will wait.

Take care, and keep writing and learning here... there are many, many good people on this site, Christians and non-Christians alike.