i got this email from ow this morning! i would like your opinions on whether or not i should respond.... i feel very numb to it like the words are meaningless. quite honestly, i think she just wants me to justify her relationship with my wh and wants to make herself feel better.

i have also been praying for both of them and i think maybe she is starting to feel some of the guilt??

quik recap on my story, h had multiple affairs, this being the last one. started oct 04, off and on through 05. he left in 05 and immediately started back up with her. she ruined her marriage and mine. she is 26 now, was 24 oe 25 when it started, my wh is now 32. here is email from ow:



I'm not sure if you recieved this e-mail from me, as you once said you blocked my e-mail address so I will send it through here also.

Michelle,

I have been wanting to do this for quite a while, but to be honest with you I was not sure how well received it would be or if you would even care. However, knowing that you do want an apology from me (and you do deserve one) I am doing this now.
My relationship with my ex-husband was not as great as he probably led you to believe. A week before I married my ex-husband I found out some very upsetting news that should have made me call off the wedding, but with all the money spent and invites sent out I felt like I couldn't. There were plenty of other strains on that relationship too. On October 23, 2004 my Grandfather passed away. I was totally devastated. He was and still is my hero and the family member I was closest to. I needed Michael with me that day more than any other. However, like always he chose work over me. That day I decided that I really didn't care about that relationship. I felt "how can I have a family with a man that doesn't care about family"? I'm not trying to make excuses for what I did (there are none), but trying to paint the picture of what my frame of mind was.
Honestly when things happened between me and Jon I was not thinking about anyone else. I never weighed the consequences of my actions or thought that I would be hurting other people. I was so depressed with my life nothing really mattered. Like I said... I am not trying to make excuses and I hope it doesn't sound that way.
No matter how bad your relationship with Jon was you did not deserve what I did to you. Whether or not you loved Jon at that time (if you didn't you must have at one time) you did not deserve to be hurt and betrayed like you were. No matter how you felt for Jon at the time I am sure the pain and betrayal must have been great. The children did not deserve it either. Things should have been allowed to follow their own natural course. For this I am whole heartedly sorry. I hope this can bring some peace of mind to you. I also hope that you and your family have a merry Christmas.

~Michelle

Wow, I always wished that I'd get an apology letter from the OM, but since I haven't seen pigs fly recently, I am not holding my breath.

OK, back to you. I am amused that the first half of her note is devoted to "woe is me"... Sure, she says there are no excuses, but then she proceeds to give lots of excuses.

Now, the last paragraph comes closer to an apology, and she does use the phrase "I am sorry". But, I can't help but notice that she never says "I am sorry for what [color:"red"]I[/color] did"... She is only sorry for what "happened", as if she had but a small part in it.

It's a bit like saying "I am sorry your car is totaled" compared to "I am sorry I ran a red light and totaled your car". Night and day. Sadly, she chose the former.

If it were me, I'd be tempted to tell her to drop dead, but I think the best thing to do would be to not reply.

AGG

i did choose to respond and this is what i sent. i got the email from her because she sent it to me via my exes email addy.

michelle,
i continue to pray for you.

repentance.
i ask you to open up your bible and read about what TRUE repentance is. repentance is apologizing for something you feel so terribly about that you immediately stop doing the act that caused the need for the apology and you never do the act again. one does not embezzle money from their company, tell the CEO they are sorry for it, and than continue to embezzle money from the company. you will be truly sorry when you end the adulterous affair you continue to have with jon.
you did not choose to wait to pursue jon until after we signed a legal separation, no, the affair continued while he was in texas, the phone calls and texts continued when he got back, and you invited him to your bed as soon as he moved from here. thus, your relationship with him is still an adulterous affair.

you will be in a position to ask for an apology when you end what you are doing that you know is wrong.

i filter all of my thoughts about you through God, he is my focus, not you. i choose to let God deal with you. Romans 12:19 says "God will do the judging, He will take care of it" I trust that he will.

i will once again say that i need you to respect my request to have no contact with me.

If my OW wrote to me kind of 'I'm sorry', here is what I'd reply!;

Oh, dear [her name], what a coincidence, for I was going to write to you and here I got your @!
I know how you must feel horrible being a homewrecker, and how much you must be suffering for your contribution to destroy someone's family and damaging life of the children, it really is a big unforgivable sin... but I just wanted to tell you stop eating yourself, forgive yourself!
Namely, now that I am so happy (as I never had been with my [x's name] btw), and that I know what my life should had been like with a man and love, not only that I forgive you, but I am sooo thankful to you, for your help to get out of That life (OMG! how could I have...), and all I can say is many thanks to you!!!
Hope God will forgive you too, and I'm sure He will; He always finds the way that everyone gets what they deserve.

Sincerely,
B2M

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Still, getting into any exchanges with OPs runs the risk of violating the classic guideline: "Never wrestle with a pig - you both get dirty, but only the pig likes it".

AGG

And I thought my message would leave her in her own piggy dirt and put myself much above where I indeed am... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
However, a little dirt is nothing compared to the closure you might get for yourself, if... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

agg, i agree and that is why i do not intend to get into any exchanges with ow at all. i have had her blocked from my email for a long time, she sent this through my exes. she has never emailed me through him before. if i see any more emails from her through his email addy i will simply delete them.

but i feel ok abuot what i wrote to her. i really do.
i think she is feeling something, something is up for her to be sending me this email.....

mlhb

Probably trouble in paradise <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
(Looks she's becaming aware that she's got what she deserved <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> i.e. an evil smilie here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

I applaud you! You handled yourself with grace and dignity and didn't stoop to name calling or taunting.

God Bless You!

P.S. I agree..there must be trouble in paradise for her to suddenly make this move.

mlhb,

I responded to you on the D/D board and this is what I addressed.If she is truly sorry she would not be involved as an OW anymore.She would end the relationship.

Michelle, I think your ex is cheating again, bet you a fiver. That being said here's what I would have responded with:

Dear hoor,

I am so sorry you are a such a hoor. I suspect your fellow hoor you are now living with, you know the father of my children whom you banged while he was still married to me?, is cheating on you or you have figured out he's a difficult loser to live with. Congratulations on both. I could get all biblical on you and quote something profound from Romans of 1st Corinthians but you are a filthy hoor and wouldn't get it anyway. Guilt is a ******. Hoors feel it the most.

Merry Hoor Christmas, and God Bless you, if it's possible,

Regards,

Michelle, the non hoor one.

i knew i should have consulted with you first before i replied to her! that was toooooooooo good!

mlhb

You know what I would have been tempted to write?

Michelle,

I think this email went astray. While I know a Jon, we've only been dating a few months. Maybe your Jon has a similar email address to my Jon.I didn't want you to think the person you sent it to didn't respond.

Cindy.

I would suggest staying away from any future contact. One thing you're not considering is that your letter will either be actually or in part described to your stbx... and it will invite needless attention from someone you're trying to get away from. Where you already sent it, I applaud you for not getting carried away, but the OP would be eating their heart even more if you left them unanswered.

GG - LOL! very subtle, I like it. . .

could of changed it slightly to

While I know some Jons, I usually don't hang around with those types of customers.

I like that too, Wiftty.

Thanks for the laughs!!!

WOW - She's having a case of guilts, hey, it's the holidays and all. We all get a little sentimental, etc. over the holidays.

I will say, I have always wanted (2) of the MOW to apologize to me. I deserve that. Especially, the (1) that is employed by us. Since I know her, I guesss I see her vicious, jeolousy directed right at me. And I dispise her for that.

I think your response was great. Her apology was filled with "BUT" - I hurt you, I stole your husband, etc. "BUT" I only cared and continue to care about myself. I am starting to feel guilty, so to make MYSELF feel better, I will apologize to YOU...Because again, it's all about ME......and just sending you this email makes ME feel better.

And maybe that's not it..maybe she really is SORRY for causing you pain. Who knows.

I do know that if any of my WH EVER apologize to me, I will let them know, that I have forgiven my WH for breaking my heart and destroying me.

I unfortunately, CANNOT forgive the OW/MOW for stepping into my life, whether WH allowed it or not. I told (3) of them, to get out of my life, and they basically, laughed in my face. I don't know these women that well, but I do know that I CANNOT forgive them. Believe me, I have tried and I can't.

You did it the right way. But I think I would have added, that I don't forgive her and if she feels really good right now after sending that email, GREAT but it didn't do much for you...and if she sleeps better tonite, all the better, it again, it didnt' do much for you...etc. etc.


HUGS

LOL Gekko!!!

ROTFL!!

Now I know whom to consult if I have any emails fr OW or xH!

In all of this, let's keep in mind that the grace & mercy we show others (even our worst enemies) is EXACTLY the level of grace & mercy our Creator God - who will one day sit in judgment of us all - will show us. That's what He has promised. (see Matthew 6 - The Lord's Prayer; and 18:21-35)

I have discovered that my personal reaction to those who've wounded me most is a direct & leading indicator of how mature I am in my own healing as well as proof positive of my spiritual & mental wellness.

God bless you Michelle as you ponder the greatest testing period of your life...and the Grace it takes to get through it to the other side.

I'm proud of you for praying for her. It can be eternally liberating to your own heart.

Best Regards,
High Flight

thank you high flite. altho i would love to send an email like the example that gekko showed, my heart and some prayer told me to answer as i did. i also just finished reading FACING YOUR GIANTS BY max lucado. that had a lot to do with how i answered as well.

believe me, i'd love nothing more than to spit in her face for that shallow half attempt at an apology, but i know god will take care of it. i pray he works on hers and exwh's every single day.

mlhb

To Heck with them! May they be darned to heck!

That's my human response. Lucky for them, it isn't up to me.

Live your life for you.

Let God forgive them. Remember that both Jesus on the Cross, and Stephen when being stoned to death, asked God to forgive these people. That's a good model. Leave it up to God.

Auto, I agree with you that both Jesus & Stephen asked God to forgive their murderers, but do you know why? Because they'd already forgiven them in their own hearts.

God makes it very clear, that judgment is to be left up to Him alone. However, forgiveness is something He asks of us - to participate with Him in...even for our enemies.

Agreed! It is clearly about the hardest thing we can ever face - forgiving those who despitefully abuse us - after our hearts have been broken into a million pieces.

Agreed! I have my own human response...and it sounds very similar to yours & each of those mentioned here.

But the challenge God places before us (out of pure love for us & our future well-being) is that we allow Him to bring the Divine Gift of forgiveness into our naturally unforgiving human hearts.

I found my ability to forgive my exwife for ruining my life & breaking my heart when I realized how much I had ruined God's Son's life & broken His sinless heart. God has truly lavished great Grace & Mercy upon me I kid you not.

Forgiving & letting my exwife & her BF go into His hands is the least thing I can do, considering what I've put Jesus through.

Your brother in this struggle to forgive,
High Flight